The 1am Questions: Missing Him, Guilt & The Thoughts We Don’t Say Out Loud

In this week’s episode of House of H.E.R i’m doing something a little different my first ever solo episode.

I answer the questions i get asked the most, the ones women whisper to themselves at 1am but don’t always feel brave enough to say out loud.

Why do i still miss him?
Why do i feel guilty for “ruining his life”?
Why do i feel worse after leaving?
Is it intuition… or is it trauma?

Why do i feel embarrassed about what i tolerated?
Does it actually get better?

We talk about trauma bonds, nervous system crashes, shame, self-blame and the reality of healing after abuse  especially the messy middle that nobody prepares you for.

I share honestly about what helped me, what didn’t, the things that made the biggest difference in my healing, and why feeling relief and grief at the same time is completely normal.

If your mind has been racing lately and you’ve been questioning yourself, this episode is here to remind you that what you’re feeling makes sense.

Trigger Warning

This episode contains discussion of domestic abuse, coercive control, physical violence, trauma bonding, suicide, and mental health.

If you need support

If you’re struggling right now or something in this episode has brought things up for you, you are not alone and help is available.

UK

Samaritans
Call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
https://www.samaritans.org

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge)
Call 0808 2000 247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Women’s Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk

The Survivors’ Handbook (Women’s Aid)
If you’re not sure if your relationship is healthy, worried about someone else, or need guidance:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Clare’s Law
Apply to find out if a current or ex-partner has a history of abuse and may pose a risk:

House of H.E.R. is a space for women who have lived through abuse, trauma, and relationships that broke them. This podcast exists to tell the truth, raise awareness around domestic abuse, and remind you that you are not alone in what you’re healing from.

Follow @houseofher__ and my personal account @holliedowdingx on Instagram and please share this episode with a woman who might need it 🥀

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Hello and welcome back to the House of Her podcast, the home of being the most healed, empowered, rich version of yourself. This is episode six, and today I am actually doing something that I've never done before, which is a solo episode. I'm gonna be talking if you follow me on social media, um, I will put my social media in the show notes at the end as well, just in case you don't, but I have shared quite a lot of my journey um after coming out of a domestic abuse relationship, and I've always had a lot of questions, especially on subjects like trauma bonding, missing that person, and I feel like a lot of things are really unspoken. So this episode is going to be probably a bit of a shorter one, but what I wanted to do is have an episode where when your mind's racing, whether that's you know in the middle of the day or the middle of the night, you have got an episode that you can go back to that can answer any questions that you feel like are racing around. Because I think a lot of us think these things, but sometimes can feel too embarrassed to say them out loud because you know, if if people around you haven't been through that type of relationship, it can be quite hard for them to understand the things and feelings that you have. So I have got together all the questions, a lot of them are the same sort of things, so I've kind of got a few together that were the most not popular but the most frequent asked questions, and I'm gonna do my best to answer them. There are some things that maybe I haven't had personal experience in, but I will do my best to answer them. But yeah, this is just how I've dealt with things and the things that I have learned through therapy, and not everybody has the means I know to go through therapy. I was in a position that I have, and I have learned so much, and that has really helped me on my journey. So yes, I'm very nervous about this one, but I um yeah, I'm gonna get started. So, one of the first questions, oh no, sorry, actually, before I get started, I'm gonna do a trigger warning um just because in this episode we're gonna be speaking about themes of trauma, mental health, and abuse. If these topics feel too raw for you right now, please make sure to pause it, step away, and come back when it feels ready for you. So, one of the most frequent questions and one that I speak to women about on Instagram all the time, on TikTok, whatever it is, and you know, the messages that I've had throughout the podcast is that feeling of missing the person who hurt you. And it's something that I really struggled with, it's something that I still struggle with, I'm not gonna lie, um, and it's been a year, it's actually a year this weekend um that I went to the police, and it's something that I really struggled with. The trauma bond is so rife at the beginning after coming out of an abusive relationship, and I feel like it stays like that for quite a while, and actually, even to this day, it's the grip of it has become a lot less, but there is still moments where I do miss, and I think abusive relationships are so intense that you it's really hard sometimes for people to understand, but they are so intense, and all of the control that they have on you really makes you feel so loved and so cared about, and I think that can be really really difficult to navigate afterwards, and you miss the good times. And I think the thing with a trauma bond is, and I think the thing with these relationships is if they was horrible to you all the time, and this is how my therapist said it to me if they was horrible to you all the time, there would be nothing to miss. Part of that trauma bond is and how they keep you in that relationship is by the ups and downs, so showering you with love and affection after they've been abusive, and that is what you tend to miss. I think missing them is normal. I wouldn't put pressure on yourself or feel guilty for that, but it doesn't mean that you have made the wrong decision, it is just part of the process, it's something that over time on your healing journey, it does get less and less, but it's they in that relationship, they also make you feel like you are crazy, like you are the one that is doing wrong. And they use the nice bits as I know from my personal experience, it was you know, well, I do X, Y, and Z for you, so it can't be that bad. And then I would sit and think about those things and think, Oh my god, yeah, no, he did do those things, and when you walk away, those are the things that you remember, and you're like, Oh my god, you know, he did do this for me and he did do that for me, and they're the bits that you end up remembering. So missing him, I think grief and relief can coexist together, the relief of being out of the relationship, but also grieving what you thought it was going to be, the relationship you thought it was gonna be, you know, and I still miss that. For me, it was the perfect setup, you know, it was part of a friendship group, it was something that I'd never really had before. I feel like I'd always been with someone who was on the outskirts and everyone else had their close friendship group with their partners. So for me, I really grieved what it could have been. And I think when you give your all to someone, because a lot of the time as well, what we have to remember is we're not walking away from these relationships because we don't love that person. I think that can be really hard as well. It's not like you've fallen out of love with someone, you're leaving that relationship because you have been left with no choice, because what they're giving you is not the love that you deserve. So you are allowed to feel relieved that you're out of that situation, even though at the beginning it may not feel like relief, but also grieve what you thought it was gonna be. So don't put too much pressure on yourself. But I just want you to know what you are feeling is probably not love. Love doesn't hurt. Real love brings out the best in you, it brings out, you know, don't get me wrong, we all have our ups and downs, but it doesn't hurt to this extent, and someone who loves you would never want to hurt you in that way. So, what you are feeling is a trauma bond, it is a normal, normal part. And I know you know, if you explain to friends and family or other people, they will not understand it, they will be like, How can you miss someone? I had all of these questions myself. How can you miss someone that does this to you? Why would you want to go back to someone that does this to you? It's normal, and I just want you to know that it doesn't mean that you should be going back, it's part of the process, you won't feel like it forever. You may still have things that crop up every now and again that trigger you, that make you miss them, that make you think of them. Um, but yeah, that is that bit. Another one I always get is what like I speak to so many people, and they're like, oh my god, and this was so rife for me, was actually feeling worse coming out of the relationship than probably when you were in it. I felt a little bit like I genuinely believed as soon as I come out of the relationship that I was just gonna get peace. And I've spoken about this on previous episodes, and from talking to so many of you, this is another thing is that we expect that we're gonna get out of this situation, and our body is instantly just gonna feel calm, and it really, really doesn't. Our bodies are wild things, and I actually it through my whole therapy journey, I learned so much about our minds and our body and how it works, and I'd never even thought of it before. But basically, what happens is when you're living in an environment, whatever environment that is, so you know, in an abusive relationship, it will be chaotic, it will be abusive, your body is learned to live, your nervous system is living in fight or flight mode. You are used to living completely, your body is like this, and that becomes safe to your body because it's familiar. So when you go into safety, or when your body is not now living like this, and you're walking into a home that's quiet, you know, there's no one shouting at you, there's no one calling your names, there's no living on eggshells. As much as we think that would be safety, that is unsafe to our bodies because it's not familiar, and anything that is not familiar to us, our body is like, Whoa, and even though it can be more dangerous the other side of it, that's what it has got grown to seem as safe. I hope that makes sense. But basically, anything that our body is not familiar with, it will make us feel worse because it's just like, well, this isn't this isn't normal, I don't know what this is, and that's what happens when you leave an abusive relationship because your body and your nervous system is just so all over the place that it actually feels more familiar living in within the abuse. And for me, I think that is why in the end, when I came out of it, and I know a few people that I've spoken to, a few girls that I've spoken to, we end up almost becoming our own abusers. We end up like for me, I literally, and even now, like I still do it. I know around my time of the month, I flare up more and I start doing it to myself. But that inner critic who is not really our friend a lot of the time becomes so loud and I almost became my own abuser. I was so used to horrible things being said about me that actually I think that's why when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't, I was then the one I was not used to nice things being said to me, so I became the one that was saying horrible things to myself because that's what I was just used to, and that is you know how I'd been I had been living for years and years, so or for a long time. So I think that is where our you know, and uh whether you do it to your face, your body, you know, feeling not good enough. I think that is because our body is so used to living in a cycle of negativity that that just became becomes our new normal, um, and safety can feel really, really, really uncomfortable. I think only now, um, and it's been a year since I went to the police, just over since I left the relationship. Probably now I've spoken about this, but it has taken a long time, it took so long for me. I couldn't even sit on my sofa for like almost a year, and I had to, you know, I could have moved, I did think about moving, but my children, you know, when there's children involved, it's not always that easy. But I just really worked, and honestly, one of the best things was actually forcing myself to go. In the end, I think you can avoid, avoid, avoid, but at some point, if you're not in a situation to move and do those things, actually just forcing yourself to sit through those emotions sometimes for me was the best thing, and it was only when I'd done that quite a few times that now actually I can go and sit on my sofa and I can, you know, enjoy the things that I used to enjoy without my body going aw. Um, so yeah, it's really normal to feel worse, it's really, really normal for your body to not feel safe at the beginning. I just want you to know that that does ease all of these things, you know, they feel so high, and the healing journey isn't linear. You will have triggers, you might find times of the year, times of the month that are that little bit harder, but sitting through those emotions and not running away from them is honestly like a game changer on your healing journey. I massively, massively avoided all of these things for a long, long time, but actually sitting through them is the thing that helps the most. Um, another one I always get is what helped the most on your healing journey. So there's so many things I could talk about here, but two of the main ones I would say was like key on my healing journey. The first one was cutting out alcohol. So I'm not a big drinker, I'll be honest. It's not something that I do all of the time. But what I was finding is when I I remember um specifically at a time it was my birthday, and I went out drinking and I had a late night, and we all know what it feels like when you're hungover the next day. You tend to feel a lot more needy, you tend to, you know, that person who is your comfort blanket, and as crazy as that sounds, you know, with someone who hurts you so much, they do become your your comfort blanket, and he was definitely that for me. And you know, as much as he was abusive, he was also overly affectionate. Um, and he knew times that I'd be going out, whether that was through social media, obviously, we did have the friendship circle, um, and he knew when I would be at my most vulnerable, and when we are the most vulnerable is when we are hung over one of the times, and well, especially for me, and I'd probably say for like 95% of the population that is the same, and I remember I almost, almost gave in to meeting him, and I remember at that point I thought to myself the only way that I am gonna stay clear-headed, the only way I am gonna stay strong is by cutting out alcohol, and it was one of the best things I ever done, and I'd done it for six months. I remember doing six months, and I think honestly, that is probably the difference between all the other times of me going back and not going back, is that generally when we're going through a hard time in our you know era it's drinking drugs, you go out, you numb yourself, you go out. The first thing you do when you've had a stressful day is oh my god, I need a glass of wine, and you know, you've had a hard day with the kids, and especially when you're going through a breakup and you want to leave, the per first people you turn to naturally are your friends, and the thirst thing that most of your friends not being a bad thing, I do it to my friends is oh my god, you want a glass of wine? Now it's like oh my god, do you want a cup of tea? But generally, it's let's have a glass of wine, let's go out, let's let our hair down, we need to let off steam, and all of those things are great, but when you are coming out of an abusive relationship and the trauma bond is so high, it's actually probably the worst thing that you can do because you are so vulnerable, and for me, I think that was key key in me not going back. So if anybody is watching this and you are, you know, stuck in that little bit of cycle of maybe you know going breaking up, going out, getting drunk, feeling like shit the next day, and you're just in that vicious cycle, that is the first thing that I would recommend for anybody to do, and not forever, like I then had a drink again in the summer. What I found though is once you stop drinking for a little while, is I felt like I didn't say to myself, right, I'm gonna stop drinking for six months. I actually was just like, I just need to do a couple of months, get a clear head, know that I'm doing the right thing, and get my mind strong. And I remember it, I had a friend's birthday in the March, and actually, when the March came, I didn't actually even want to drink, and I didn't, and I ended up doing six months because I just felt like I was gaining and all that little bit of strength of like staying on the path. I was mentally really not in a good place, but I knew as soon as I had that drink, I'd fall straight back into his clutches. Um, so that's my first tip. The next one, and this can look so different for so many of us, um, especially if you know you are co-parenting with someone who is your abuser, and and you're the abuser can also be, you know, a parent, a sibling, uh, someone at work, you know, we're talking about domestic abuse, but domestic isn't just in a in a relationship, so this can you know apply to anybody, and I know in some people's situations it might be easier said than done, but for me, cutting tires with as many people that are connected to them as possible. So the first step that I done, obviously, we were part of a friendship group, and the first step that I done was I muted everybody, so I didn't feel strong enough to completely take them off, and a lot of these people were my friends. What I did do was I muted them, and out of sight, out of mind, is so true because actually at first, when I done it, I almost thought to myself, Well, I I know I'm still following them, so I'm still gonna go on their page. And obviously, this was before he he went to prison. Um, and you know, I knew he was still going out and doing things, and it is so so easy to check and see, you know, what they're doing or doing like, and I really, really done my best, and I knew that by muting them, if I didn't have the strength to block them, was the first step in the right direction. And I I thought, oh my god, am I going to still check? And actually, I ended up forgetting they were on there because their stories, you know what it's like on Instagram, their stories weren't coming up, and I actually forgot about them. Um, and in the end, I found the strength when obviously I the more I went along my journey to end up I ended up blocking them and removing them completely off my page so they couldn't see what I was doing, and I couldn't see what they was doing, I would never have known if he was out with them, and you know, my situation was a little bit easier. Like I said, you know, if you are co-parenting with this person, um, it can be really difficult, but maybe asking family members to step in, limit the contact. So if it is about children, it is purely just about children, and like I said, if you can get a family member to do that contact at the beginning, um that can really help. Um, but uh that bit is a little bit harder because I didn't have to go through that. Um also I know I've spoken about it before, but I really did remove myself from that whole friendship group. So that if the if you you know, if you're in a relationship with someone and you know, like you normally do in relationships, you grow a friendship circle together, so you you could be introduced to their friendship group, they can be introduced to yours. But what I found personally was every time that I was speaking to my friends, was I was then asking, oh, what's so-and-so saying? What's their what do they think about this? What do they think about that? And then they would say, Oh, yes, so-and-so spoke to him, and and in the end, all I was thinking about was what everyone else was thinking about me, what they were saying about the situation, what he was saying about me, what he was saying about, and my my healing journey would was just non-existent, and actually losing my friendship group is probably harder in a way, some ways, than losing him, because you know, my best friend was my best friend for God knows how many years, but actually, my healing journey, I had to be selfish, and you really do have to put yourself at the top of the list for you to heal, and there's a saying that says, You cannot heal in the environment that broke you, and it is so so true. Since I cut them off, you know, don't get me wrong, I have grieved the loss of these friendships so badly, but actually, my healing journey has like gone like this because I cut out the noise, I cut out caring what everyone was saying about me, I cut out everyone else's opinions, and I just focused on me. And that is so so hard to do when you're surrounding yourself with with people by no fault of their own that are connected to your abuser. So those two are probably my biggest tips cut off as many people as you can that are connected to that person and no alcohol or drugs or anything like that. They are like the two things that I think catapulted my healing, without a doubt. Um so yeah, that's that one. Um another one that I get a lot, and I know I've spoken about this, is why do I feel guilty for ruining his life? And again, these are things that I feel like I have personally gone through, and it can be so tough because it's a natural emotion. For so long, I felt so so guilty, and I felt like you know, he was a dad, I was taking him away from. His children, I and the for so and I remember, and you probably, you know, if you're watching this for this reason, I remember so many times him saying to me, like, if you call the police, I'm gonna lose my job, I'm gonna be left with nothing. I remember one of the last emails I had from him was like, I'm on the borderline of a life-changing opportunity, and I just need to go into it with peace of mind. You're being a child, you're being this, this could ruin everything for me, blah blah blah blah. All of these things, it was always about him, and you know, they all sing from the same hymn sheet, I've said that before, so no doubt you will all get the same spiel. Um, and it is something for a long, long time that held me back from ever going to the police, you know. When I remember when my family actually said to me about going to the police, I was like, Oh my god, you know, he's gonna lose his friend, he's gonna lose this, you know. And because uh you believe that you've made them this monster, even when he was in prison, I still believe that I'd made him this person, and you know, maybe if I hadn't have done these things and behaved this way and spoke this way, that he wouldn't be in there. And I felt so guilty for that, you know. I knew his behaviour towards me was a certain way, but I had no idea, you know, the relationship with his children, and I thought, oh my god, I've now, you know, taken a dad away from two children that he hasn't done anything wrong to. Over time, you do realise that they made these decisions to act this way, and you you know, you may not have gone to the police, and and that's nothing, you know, everyone's situation is completely their own. I did, and I feel like I'd done it. I'm very fortunate. I have the support, the most amazing support for my friends and family, but I knew I needed to make a stand not only for me, but for the women who aren't in a position to be able to do that for my daughter and that next generation, and he didn't feel guilty, and they don't feel guilty when you're crying yourself to sleep at night. And this is what I had to remind myself like sometimes, as maybe triggering as it was, when I was feeling those things, I would look at pictures, I would look at messages, and you know, at that time it was that thing that made me remember he never felt guilty when he was doing the things that he was doing to me. He never felt guilty when he was walking over me while I was laying there in pain, crying myself to sleep. They know they don't feel guilty when they are completely wearing you down emotionally, physically, mentally. So that guilt is because you have a conscience, and you know that shows what type of person you are, and that's what everyone said to me. You know, it is so normal, and because we are good people, we do have a heart and we do have a conscience, and you're also being made to believe that they've done nothing wrong and you're the crazy one, and you've made them like this. So, of course, those emotions are so real, but you have nothing to feel guilty for, it is never ever your fault, and you have to, you know, it's so easy to say that now because I feel like I'm a little bit further on in my journey and I understand how hard those emotions are, but I promise you it is not your fault. They know exactly what they are doing, and a lot of the time, you know, it's it's spoken about so many times, you know, they they don't need anger management, they're very good at managing anger because if someone spoke to them a bit rude in their work, if someone, you know, one of their friends spoke to them a bit rudely, they would not turn around and abuse them, they would not turn around and physically hurt them. So they know exactly what they are doing, and they show no guilt for that, they feel no guilt for it, and even if they say they do afterwards, they wouldn't do it again and again if they were genuinely sorry. Um, so it's really, really normal, but you've just got to ride the emotions and know that you are not to blame. Um, but it's something that I felt so deeply, so I really do like sympathise with that emotion um because it's a really, really strong one and one that can almost stop you. And I think for a lot of people, is is the decision maker between you know going to the police or go taking this to court and not. Um but yeah, I I really I really really felt that. Um another one which is super super common is feeling embarrassed. Um, so I get this a lot, is like, why do I feel so embarrassed and ashamed? Um, and again, this is because we are, you know, in abusive relationships a lot of the time, especially with between friendship groups and you know, probably their side of the family, you're told that it's just a toxic relationship, you give as good as you get. Um, for me, I think it was my situation where I'd had two children, it was almost like I felt like I had failed, and you do, you know, when you're if you're in a marriage, I guess, and you've got children, you probably feel a little bit like you've failed, you're letting your children down, all of these different things. Um, how did you end up here? And a lot of the time as well, like I I just felt like how have I let, how have I gone from the person that I was? And I'd like to think of myself as quite a strong woman, you know, I've got my own life, my own business, and when you're in it, you don't actually realise how you got like I look at myself from like who I was before him to who I ended up being, and it's like, how the fuck did I get here? Like how? Um, and everyone would say to you and say to me, like, oh my god, I'd never expect that of you. Like, how but you like how did you put up with that? How did and you instantly feel like, oh my god, how did I? Like, I'd be in bat, I felt so ashamed. Um, and a lot of the time as well, you're told that it's you, so all of these things, your brain and your subcontinent, you're being completely like brainwashed to believe that this is you and you've made them this person, and you should feel the shame, and this is your fault. So it's not just as easy as walking away and then being like, Oh my god, no, it was him. Um, our brains unfortunately don't work like that, which is why um another thing that you know I I speak about a lot is like mirror affirmations and positive affirmations, because we cannot we cannot take away a thought and what we believe about ourselves, but we can override it. And this is a really, really strong one that I feel like I worked so hard on because I felt that shame so fissy, which is why I didn't tell anyone, and you would think, you know, being part of a friendship group, that you really would that that they would never do that, but they know what they're doing, and you do isolate yourself, you do feel shameful, you know, you do feel oh my god, another relationship and it's not worked out, and yeah, it's um it's a really, really hard, another hard emotion, and one that I feel like so many of us feel, but you've got nothing to feel embarrassed about, the shame is on them, and you know, the reason I wanted to answer all of these questions is for you to know that it's not normal because I know for me, like when I was going through it, the reason I started this podcast because all of these questions that people are asking me are all emotions that I feel you feel, and we don't know that there's anyone else out there at that time feeling those things, so I'm hoping that by me answering these and explaining I felt exactly the same, it doesn't stay like that forever. That you can sit there and watch this and be like, Okay, I'm not insane, you know. I shouldn't feel embarrassed, I shouldn't feel like it was my fault, I shouldn't feel like it was guilt, and and it's completely normal to feel like that, and those emotions are okay, it doesn't make you crazy. If you miss him, it doesn't make you crazy. If you want to text him, it doesn't make you crazy. It's the normal cycle of abuse. And if you've gone back a couple of times, you know, that's okay. It's I remember going to the police, and I thought that they was gonna say to me, Well, you know, you decided to go back into that relationship, what'd you expect? And they was like, Holly, people go back for 25 years, you know, it takes on average seven times for somebody to leave an abusive relationship, and we end up going back for all of these reasons that I'm answering today because every single one of us feels them to some degree, um, and that is actually the cycle of abuse, unfortunately. So I just want you to know they're so normal, they don't stay forever, you know. Like I've said a million times, the healing journey is not linear, but it's one that you know you can work on, you can sit through. There is so many resources out there. I'm hoping this podcast can be one of them. In the show notes, there's so many links to things, but filling yourself and looking after yourself and filling your mind with positivity, podcasts, affirmations, self-help, personal development, getting out and doing exercise. There is so many things out there that can help you. Yoga, Pilates, there's things that you can do at home, like somatic movement, and so many things that I will cover in another episode that you can really, you know, help. But also another thing that I absolutely found life-changing was journaling, and I know that sounds crazy because when I started it, you know, it was one of those things that I felt like, oh my god, but sometimes I feel like we have so many things going round in our mind, actually getting it out on paper and writing things, and you know, I'll actually put a link in the show notes to some amazing journal prompts as well, but it just helps to get it out of your mind and write it down. And I felt like journaling and getting it out all on paper really, really helped me. Um, another question, we're on to the last couple now. Um, what things have improved? Um, it's really funny actually because I was having this conversation with my friend because I feel like for so much, and I you know do this as well. He's talking about you know how hard the healing journey is, and it almost sounds like for someone listening, you probably think, Oh my god, like if I'm thinking about leaving, I've got this whole journey ahead of me that is going to be so so tough. But there are so many things that do improve and get better, and actually, this weekend um I am going away, um, and I was actually just saying to my friend the other day, like it's so crazy because for the first time I feel like I'm doing it and I don't feel anxious about doing it. There is so many things in my day-to-day life, like I've just joined the gym, I wasn't allowed to the gym, I wasn't able, and being able to do these things, book nights out with friends, I went out for my birthday, I can wear what I want, I can, you know, just such simple things that we take for granted daily improve. I feel like for me, going on a natural healing journey and not putting medication in my body like antidepressants has been a huge, huge change in how I have healed, and I've got nothing against antidepressants. You know, I've got friends on them, I've got family on them, I've actually used them in the past, but I feel like what tends to happen is it numbs you and you end up being so numb that you don't deal with the root of the problem, you don't work on the self-love, you don't work on your self-confidence, there's no self-development, you're just numb to everything, and that you you just then think that you're okay, um, and you're not because you're not dealing with it, and I feel like because I've healed naturally, and as hard as that has been, so many things in my life have improved, like my self-worth, so I now know what I would tolerate, and not even in just romantic relationships, I feel like I'm so now aware of where my energy feels drained. So I feel like my life now has become a lot happier because if there's any situation around me that takes me back to feeling that nervous energy, to not feeling like I'm, you know, the best way, and don't get me wrong, I'm not to say that you know, life doesn't life it's always going to, but I do now know and pick up on things a lot better, and I feel like that's been a massive improvement in my life. I know I no longer tolerate bullshit, I no longer, you know, will accept the bare minimum, and I know what I want in my life, and I feel like that has become so super clear since going on this healing journey, but just being able to do the things, and that doesn't happen straight away. Like I remember actually not long after I came out of the relationship, and if you follow me on Instagram, you might remember this. I remember doing an Instagram video of my clothing, and I remember I was in like a jumpsuit with a bikini, and I was just sobbing trying to do this video, and I actually wasn't going to post it, and then I thought, you know what? I'm actually gonna share it because it was so raw, and even though I wasn't in that relationship anymore, I had been told for so long that girls that go on Instagram, you know, are slags, you know, girls that go out and drink with their mates are slags, girls that go out and do this, are slags. So to then come out of that, my whole thing was, oh yeah, you know what, maybe it's right, girls that do that are just doing it for attention, girls that act like this are just doing it for attention. So then when you come out of that, and I was just doing something so simple, like modelling my clothes for my clothing company that I had been doing for seven years. He had made me feel that I was wrong for that, and I was a slag, and I was just attention seeking. And so when I tried to do it again afterwards, naturally my body was I was fighting against. Am I uh people is this what everyone else thinks of me? And I think that's another thing is you it's everyone else's you then just automatically assume that what they have told you about yourself for so long, months, years, days, weeks is what everyone else is thinking, and that does get so much better. It does it like now I don't have that, but it was there at the beginning, and and you know that's where the the work comes in. But I feel like if you don't heal, if you don't do that work, that emotion is constantly going to stay there, and in three years' time, when you decide to come off the antidepressants, those emotions are still going to be there, and probably you're gonna end up in another relationship that is exactly the same because you haven't worked on yourself to understand what it is you actually want in your life and what it is you're going to accept. Um, but yeah, the day-to-day things, getting up, you know. I now do live in a calm environment. You will also live in a calm environment. Your body does adjust again with the work, you know, you have to do the work, but just being able to live my life, to be able to wear what I want, to being able to book holidays, to go on girls' nights out, and just being, I feel like I'm so much more present. I feel like I'm a completely different parent now. I feel like because I was so on edge when I was in that relationship, my kids probably got a lot of the brunt of it. I was always on my last nerve, so my home environment has improved drastically, which is actually the most important thing. Um and this is a bit similar, but like, does it actually get better? And I think that kind of ties in with like the what things have improved. Yes, you know, I it's a really hard one because I feel like I am still so early on in my journey, even though it's been a year. I feel like actually, because you know, I had the court case and all of that, it was really hard for me to heal while still having to go through the court case and speak to the police and all of that. So I feel like really, although I started the work probably in like February, March time last year, I've only really been dealing with my emotions properly from the back end of last year. So I feel like I'm super early on still in my healing journey, and there are times that I feel like it has changed me forever. I'm not gonna lie, I do feel like the way I think about things, I'm super I'm still juggling with that. My is it my intuition, is it my gut feeling, or is it past trauma? But I feel like I'm so much stronger in myself, like I feel like the strength that I have gained this year, and you know, just being able to know now. I think what happens is at the beginning you go through these, and and where I was was thinking I am never ever gonna feel any different to this, and of course, life is always gonna life, bad times are always gonna happen, there's always gonna be triggers. There is also glimmers, it's not all negative, but there is a lot of triggers, a lot of triggers. But now I think once you've been on that journey, once you look after yourself, once you do the inner work, you start to realise that no matter how bad it gets, you got through it before, and you will get through it again, and that is what I tell myself. You know, there is still days, weeks that I literally feel like, oh my god, I've come so far, and now I feel like I'm all the way back, but you're not because you now have more strength and you know that you got through it before, and that's all I can, you know, that's all that gets me through. Is I remember feeling like I was never going to get through it, and each time I say to myself, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel better again, and each time you do, and I think each time you just carry that with you that you know the bad days do happen, but the good days I I think become more frequent. So, you know, for instance, if you had a bad day or it would be a bad week, now it might only be a bad couple of days instead of being a bad two weeks. So I think the good days do start to outweigh the bad. Um so yeah, I think that is really important to remember. It's you know, it's it's really hard. The healing journey is not easy. I'm gonna not gonna sugarcoat it, but it definitely, definitely gets better, and you know, we can't change what happened to us. I say this so many times, but we can change and we do have control. We can't control the situation they have put us in. You know, that was never your fault, it's not my fault, and you do start to learn that, but what you can control is the person that you become from it, and how you take this forward, and there is massive, you know, lessons to be learned in terms of what we do to look after ourselves to become the strongest, most healed, empowered, rich version of ourselves. Um, so yeah, I think that's kind of covered like all the main questions. I hope this just helps you feel what less alone, like if this can help one person, one woman, man, um, you know, I know we speak a lot to women, but you know, I know domestic abuse also you know happens to men, which I think is important not to forget. But I just think if those thoughts are racing and you're starting to think these things and you are feeling these things, I just hope that this just makes you feel like do you know what I'm not the only one? She felt it and it is normal. Um, so yeah, I hope I hope that can help. Um my heart's been going like this the whole episode, and I feel like I don't actually even know half the things I've said. Um, but yeah, like I said, if it can help one of you and just make you feel a little bit less alone, then um my job here is done. So thank you for listening. And please make sure to like, follow, subscribe. Um, the episode is available on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, and all your normal podcast platforms. Please make sure you're following us. Like, comment, leave a review, and please, you know, if this maybe isn't, you know, you you yourself haven't been through an abusive relationship, but you know someone who has, please share the episodes, please share the podcast because you never know who needs it. And yeah, we'll see you on the next episode. Thanks, guys.