Lead With Influence
Lead with Influence is about influencing positive change — in yourself, your relationships, and your leadership. Hosted by executive coach Matt Norman, each episode distills insights from decades of experience helping people communicate with impact, lead with humility, and build trust across differences. These short, thoughtful reflections will help you grow in self-awareness, develop emotional intelligence, and show up more powerfully in your work and life.
Lead With Influence
The Speed of Quality Interactions
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Matt used to run daily around a lake near his house. One day he saw a man rowing a boat, and by the following week, he was using it himself. That chance encounter turned into a decades-long friendship with a man named Peter, one Matt still leans on for a very specific reason: Peter refuses to talk fast.
In this episode, we unpack Matt Norman’s article “The Speed of Quality Interactions” and what happened when Peter, now in his eighties, rode his bike over for a glass of water while Matt was mid-scramble through his to-do list. We talk about why meaningful connection almost always moves slower than productivity wants it to, and why driven, ambitious people are the ones most likely to lose this skill entirely.
You’ll walk away with three concrete ways to protect the pace that builds real relationship capital: identifying where you actually want depth, resisting the urge to rush through a room, and treating your interactions like compound interest.
Read the full article at mattnorman.com.
So welcome to today's deep dive. And uh I want you to just imagine for a second that you are running at an absolute full sprint.
SPEAKER_00Right. Like totally out of breath.
SPEAKER_01Aaron Ross Powell Exactly. Your head is down, your lungs are just burning, and you're, you know, entirely focused on just getting to the next marker.
SPEAKER_00Just pushing through.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And then suddenly someone steps right in front of you and asks a question that just it forces you to stop dead in your tracks.
SPEAKER_00Oh, wow. Yeah, that's a jarring image.
SPEAKER_01Trevor Burrus, Jr.: It is, right. But today we're actually looking at why your brain desperately needs you to hit that exact wall. Because we are exploring this uh highly relatable modern dilemma.
SPEAKER_00Aaron Powell The constant friction.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that grinding friction between our drive to just get things done and our like fundamental human need for actual connection.
SPEAKER_00Trevor Burrus Which is, you know, it's really the great paradox of our daily routines. We constantly treat peace and rest and even human connection as a reward for productivity. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_01Like we have to earn it first.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. The mindset is basically once everything is crossed off the list, well, then I can be present. But I mean the finish line just keeps moving.
SPEAKER_01It really does. And to anchor this whole exploration today, we are going to be referencing a single, just incredibly insightful article by Matt Norman.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's a great piece.
SPEAKER_01It really is. It was published just recently, and it's called The Speed of Quality Interactions. And uh early in the piece, Norman identifies this exhausting belief that if we just move a little bit faster, you know.
SPEAKER_00Just clear out those last few emails.
SPEAKER_01Right. Get everything optimized, and then we will finally earn the right to slow down. And reading it, it just it makes me think of a hamster wheel, but like not just a casual jog on one.
SPEAKER_00A high-speed one.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I'm talking about a wheel where the centrifugal force actually increases the faster you run. So you aren't just tired, you're literally pinned to the wheel by your own momentum.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that is such a good way to put it. Pinned by momentum.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because you trick yourself into believing that peace is just uh one more cleared inbox away. Yeah. But the physics of the whale dictate that you can never actually step off while you're spinning that fast.
SPEAKER_00Right. And that physical constraint you just described, that's exactly what Norman captures in his article.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00He recognizes that internal monologue where we basically tell ourselves, you know, if I just move faster, I'll get more done, which will finally allow me to slow down.
SPEAKER_01The ultimate lie we tell ourselves.
SPEAKER_00It really is. But the core argument of Norman's piece is that the reality of how human nervous systems and well, how human relationships actually function is fundamentally at odds with that productivity mindset. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_01Because you can't you can't just outsprint a biological need for pacing.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. You just can't.
SPEAKER_01So to really understand how this plays out in real life, we need to look at this very specific story Matt Norman shares right at the beginning of his article.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the story about Peter.
SPEAKER_01Right. It perfectly illustrates this collision of two completely different paces. So it involves this man named Peter, and they have this 20-year history that is just crucial to the whole context.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the history really sets the baseline here. Because Norman traces this relationship back two decades.
SPEAKER_01Wow, 20 years.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so he was 29 years old at the time, and he was a runner who used to run daily around this local lake. And one day, out on the water, he spots a man rowing.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Now, Norman had been a rower in college, and he says this was the only person he ever seen rowing a skull on this specific lake.
SPEAKER_01So immediately there's this like highly specific, serendipitous shared interest.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01So Norman goes home, tells his wife he's gonna track this guy down and see about getting some time in that boat.
SPEAKER_00Which is pretty bold.
SPEAKER_01It is. And his wife is highly doubtful he's gonna succeed, figuring, you know, you can't just walk up to a complete stranger and ask to use their expensive rowing equipment.
SPEAKER_00I mean she had a point.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, completely fair. But the very next day, Norman is on his run and he catches the man just as he's pulling his boat onto the beach.
SPEAKER_00Perfect timing.
SPEAKER_01Right. He introduces himself, finds out the man's name is Peter, and uh within a week, Norman is out on the water using the boat.
SPEAKER_00But the thing is, it didn't stay transactional. That initial point of contact evolved into a deeply meaningful friendship. And Norman highlights a detail that reveals a lot about the depth they built.
SPEAKER_01Oh, the birthday thing.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Just a few months after they met, Norman, who again is a 29-year-old guy, celebrated Peter's 65th birthday with a small group of friends.
SPEAKER_01See, that detail really grounds the story for me because celebrating a 65th birthday with someone uh 36 years, your senior, someone you basically just met.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's not normal.
SPEAKER_01No, it shows this wasn't just casual neighborhood small talk. They were building genuine equity. Absolutely. So I want you to keep that 20-year history, that accumulative relationship in your mind. Because Norman's article then fast forwards to just last week.
SPEAKER_00Right, prison day.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Peter is now 85 years old. He has, you know, 85-year-old knees and ankles, meaning the rowing days are behind him.
SPEAKER_00Makes sense.
SPEAKER_01So he stays active by riding a recumbent bicycle. And he happens to be out riding near Norman's house. So he shoots him a quick text asking if he can stop by the driveway for a drink of water.
SPEAKER_00Aaron Powell And this text message this is what initiates the collision.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00Because when Norman receives it, he is trapped squarely in that high-speed centrifugal force you described earlier.
SPEAKER_01On the wheel.
SPEAKER_00He's fully on the wheel.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00In the article, Norman describes himself as being in a I think he calls it a flurry of activity. Right. He's moving rapidly between conversations. He's making quick decisions, managing responsibilities. I mean, he is operating at absolute peak execution mode.
SPEAKER_01Oh, we all know that exact state. He is fully optimized. So he runs outside to hand Peter the water, and his internal plan is just entirely transactional. Totally. Basically a checklist operation, right? Like hand over the water, exchange three or four rapid-fire pleasantries, mentally check the provided hydration to friend box, and sprint right back into the house to maintain his workflow.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And this is where Norman introduces a vital concept for driven, ambitious people.
SPEAKER_01Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because without intentional regulation, people who are hyper-focused on productivity will just default to what Norman calls evaporating exchanges.
SPEAKER_01Evaporating exchanges? Man, that phrase stopped me in my tracks when I read it.
SPEAKER_00It's so descriptive.
SPEAKER_01It really is. The interaction just vanishes into thin air. There's no condensation, no residue, just nothing sticks.
SPEAKER_00Precisely. And the reason it evaporates is because of the heat of your own engine.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I like that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. When you are running that hot processing tasks at a million miles an hour, the human interaction just burns off.
SPEAKER_01Well.
SPEAKER_00You aren't actually connecting with the person standing in front of you. Your brain is processing a human being using the exact same neural pathways it uses to process, like a calendar invite or an email notification.
SPEAKER_01That is wild to think about.
SPEAKER_00You are literally optimizing the human out of the exchange.
SPEAKER_01See, I hear evaporating exchanges and I recognize how damaging that sounds, but um, I actually have to play devil's advocate here for a second.
SPEAKER_00Lay on me.
SPEAKER_01Because if you're listening to this deep dive on your commute right now, thinking about the 50 emails waiting for you, you might be thinking the exact same thing. If I don't treat some interactions as transactional, my entire day just falls apart. Right. The modern world demands speed. If I'm on a tight bedline and someone texts me for water, I'm handing them the water and getting back to my screen.
SPEAKER_00You have to.
SPEAKER_01Right. If I stop and have a deep, soul-searching, 20-minute chat with everyone who crosses my path, my projects fail and I get fired. So I mean, we have to protect our time, don't we?
SPEAKER_00No, it's a completely valid reality check. The demands of a modern workday are not imaginary.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they're very real.
SPEAKER_00They're very real pressures. But what Peter does in response to Matt's frantic energy, it actually challenges the assumption that hyperspeed is the only way to navigate those pressures.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Peter's intervention in this story demonstrates that constantly running at that maximum velocity isn't just unsustainable for your relationships, it's actively degrading your own neurological baseline.
SPEAKER_01So let's look at how Peter actively disrupts that frantic rhythm. Because Matt comes rushing out to the driveway, right, buzzing with all this anxious productive energy. Yeah, ready to execute a hyper-efficient handoff. But Peter doesn't play along.
SPEAKER_00Not at all.
SPEAKER_01He refuses to adopt Norman's pace.
SPEAKER_00The contrast is stark. Norman notes in the text that Peter doesn't talk fast. He possesses this deep, measured voice. And Peter uses the physical reality of his voice and his pacing to just dictate the entire rhythm of the moment. He doesn't just say, you know, thanks for the water, see ya.
SPEAKER_01Right. Which would have allowed Matt to stay on his hamster wheel.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. He literally forces a tempo change. He leaves this long, comfortable pause. Just silence in the driveway.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_00And then he asks a highly specific, deeply thoughtful question. He says, Matt, what are you reading right now and what do you think about it?
SPEAKER_01Wait, he actually asks that right in the driveway.
SPEAKER_00Right in the driveway. And if we break down the psychology of that specific question, we see why it's so disruptive.
SPEAKER_01Okay, break it down for us.
SPEAKER_00Well, think about a standard greeting like how are you or been busy. Those are processed by the brain's automatic, habit-driven pathways. You don't need active cognitive presence to say, fine, just busy you.
SPEAKER_01Right. I say that without even thinking.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. You can say that while your brain is still writing an email and your body is turning back toward the house.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_00But what are you reading and what do you think about it? That completely bypasses that autopilot circuit.
SPEAKER_01Because you actually have to think.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It forces the brain to engage the prefrontal cortex. You have to actively search your memory, form an opinion, and then articulate a complex thought.
SPEAKER_01Man, it's quite literally a system reboot for the brain.
SPEAKER_00It really is.
SPEAKER_01Like if you imagine your computer is completely locked up, right? The cooling fans are screaming, you have 50 tabs open in your browser.
SPEAKER_00Always.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And the system memory is just entirely maxed out. That's Matt Norman and his flurry of activity.
SPEAKER_00Perfect analogy.
SPEAKER_01And Peter's question is like someone reaching over the keyboard and just hitting SRAL alt-delete. It's an external force that interrupts a panicked operating system. It forces the computer to dump the RAM, clear out the open tabs of anxiety, and match a completely different, calmer baseline.
SPEAKER_00And Norman details the profound physiological shift that happens when he is forced into that reboot.
SPEAKER_01The physical changes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00He describes Peter's manner beautifully, actually. He calls it a speed bump slowing a speeding vehicle.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's good.
SPEAKER_00And as they stood there in those intentionally longer pauses, you know, answering this thoughtful question, Norman felt his baseline shift. The anxiety, that desperate frantic need to get back inside and conquer the day, it literally began to melt away.
SPEAKER_01He writes that his cortisol abated and his breathing deepened. So we aren't just talking about a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling here.
SPEAKER_00No, not at all.
SPEAKER_01That is a physical, measurable change in human body chemistry triggered entirely by a change in conversational pace.
SPEAKER_00Which is incredible.
SPEAKER_01It is. When the brain is forced out of the habit loop and into the present moment, it signals the nervous system that the fight or flight sprint is over.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. And the phrasing Norman uses to summarize the aftermath of this driveway interaction, it's arguably the most powerful insight in the entire article.
SPEAKER_01Tell me.
SPEAKER_00He notes that when he finally did go back inside to his workflow, he returned to his responsibilities feeling dignified rather than depleted.
SPEAKER_01Dignified rather than depleted. Wow, that is such a heavy distinction.
SPEAKER_00Isn't it?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because when we're rushing, when we're treating people like evaporating exchanges to just serve the altar of efficiency, we might technically get the task done, but we feel drained.
SPEAKER_00We feel like gears in a machine.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Slowing down, matching Peter's deliberate pace, it actually restored Matt's dignity. It reminded his nervous system that he was a human being, not just a processing unit.
SPEAKER_00Which leads us directly to Norman's central thesis. He crystallizes this entire dynamic into one core truth. The speed of meaningful interactions is almost always slower than the speed of getting things done.
SPEAKER_01Wow. Let that sink in.
SPEAKER_00You simply cannot run both processes simultaneously at maximum velocity. The physics of human connection dictate that one will always compromise the other.
SPEAKER_01So, okay, if physiological rest and emotional dignity require this slower pace, but the speed of getting things done remains a reality of our jobs. It feels like we're caught in a trap.
SPEAKER_00It does feel that way.
SPEAKER_01Because we can't just abandon our obligations to sit in the driveway for three hours discussing literature, right? So how do we actually navigate this?
SPEAKER_00Well, Matt Norman anticipates this exact friction. He doesn't advocate for abandoning productivity or ignoring your responsibilities.
SPEAKER_01Good, because that wouldn't work.
SPEAKER_00Oh, it wouldn't. Instead, he outlines a framework for intentional regulation. He provides three practical, actionable steps for building what he calls relationship capital without letting the rest of your life fall apart.
SPEAKER_01Right. And the first of those steps is to identify where you seek depth. Because Norman makes it very clear that you cannot be fully present for every single interaction you have in a 24-hour period.
SPEAKER_00It's biologically impossible.
SPEAKER_01Right. Biologically and emotionally impossible.
SPEAKER_00You have to prioritize. And to illustrate this, Norman references Dale Carnegie program.
SPEAKER_01Oh, the leadership training stuff.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. He points out that participants in those programs, they don't just sit around passively hoping to be generally better at relationships. The curriculum actually requires them to make explicit, targeted commitments to working on specific relationships.
SPEAKER_01It requires intention. You have to actively decide like this is a colleague or a friend or a family member that I want to invest in.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_01Norman explains that these deliberate intentions are the absolute prerequisite for accumulating equity with someone. Because if you try to go deep with everyone, you go deep with no one. So true. But even if you prioritize someone, your body language can completely betray your intentions. Which is why his second step is so critical, which is walk slowly through the crowd.
SPEAKER_00It's a wonderful evocative image. And he actually got it from one of his mentors.
SPEAKER_01It is, but I want to break down exactly what that means in practice. Because when Norman says walk slowly, he isn't suggesting we literally physically walk in slow motion down the office hallway like we're in a movie, right?
SPEAKER_00No, no. The text clarifies that walking slowly is about the physical projection of your mental state.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00It's about how your nervous system broadcasts to someone else's nervous system. So Norman interprets his mentor's advice to mean that you cannot project a sense of rushing when you were engaging with someone. Right. He states it very plainly. You simply cannot have a meaningful interaction with someone while looking at your watch or inching toward the door.
SPEAKER_01Oh man, you've probably found yourself doing this maybe even today. The classic inch.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I'm definitely guilty of the inch.
SPEAKER_01Right. You are in a conversation, you're nodding, you are making all the right verbal agreements, but your feet are pointed directly at the exit, and you are subtly shifting your weight backward.
SPEAKER_00And the thing is, evolutionary biology hardwires us to detect that exact behavior.
SPEAKER_01Really?
SPEAKER_00Yes. The person you were talking to subconsciously registers the angle of your torso and the shifting of your weight. Their limbic system detects that you don't consider them a priority.
SPEAKER_01That you're already mentally gone.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. The interaction is actively evaporating while you are still speaking. So to walk slowly through the crowd means to physically plant yourself in the present moment. It means aligning your shoulders, stopping those micro movements of escape, and basically signaling to the other person that they have your undivided attention, even if it's only for two minutes.
SPEAKER_01That physical presence is how you make a deposit. Which brings us to Norman's third and final point in the article. Value the compound interest.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, this is where Norman's use of financial terminology really elevates the concept.
SPEAKER_01It really does.
SPEAKER_00Throughout this section, he leans on words like capital, equity, and compound interest. He is fundamentally reframing how high achievers view human connection.
SPEAKER_01Taking it out of the time waster category.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. Taking it out of the category of inefficient distraction and placing it firmly in the category of a high yield long-term asset.
SPEAKER_01Because just like financial interest compounds over time, so do your interactions with people. Norman makes the direct comparison that if you don't value compound interest in your bank account, you won't bother saving your money, right?
SPEAKER_00Right. You just spend it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you just spend it all on immediate gratification right now. And in the exact same way, if you don't value the long-term accumulation of relationship capital, you are highly unlikely to sacrifice your immediate productivity to savor a present moment with someone.
SPEAKER_00That's spot on. And if we tie this financial framework back to the story of the beginning of the article, we see the perfect, tangible example of this compound interest in action.
SPEAKER_01With Matt and Peter.
SPEAKER_00Yes, they have 20 years of relationship capital built up. It started with a totally serendipitous random meeting about a rowboat, but it was sustained by two decades of deliberate deposits.
SPEAKER_01Small moments of connection.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. Celebrating birthdays, showing up. Because of that massive accumulated equity, Peter had the relational standing to act as a speed bump for Matt last week.
SPEAKER_01That is such an important distinction because if a total stranger pulled into Matt's driveway while he was frantically working and just slowly asked, What are you reading right now?
SPEAKER_00He'd think they were crazy.
SPEAKER_01Right. Matt would have likely found it incredibly annoying, maybe even invasive. The stranger hasn't earned the right to hit Crittle Alt Delete on Matt's Day.
SPEAKER_00No equity.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. But because it was Peter, because of the massive compound interest they had generated together, the interruption wasn't a nuisance. It was a lifeline. It was the exact force required to pull Matt off the hamster wheel.
SPEAKER_00And the investment yielded massive dividends for both of them in that specific moment. Matt got his cortisol lowered, his nervous system regulated, and his dignity restored.
SPEAKER_01And Peter received a meaningful present moment of connection with a friend.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_01So when we pull all of these threads together from Matt Norman's deep dive into the speed of interaction, a very clear picture emerges. The endless grinding demands of your day are not going to disappear.
SPEAKER_00They never do.
SPEAKER_01Right. The wheel will always invite you to run faster, to optimize more, to treat your life as a series of tasks to be processed. But if you want to avoid feeling constantly depleted, if you want to maintain your actual humanity, you have to intentionally pump the brakes.
SPEAKER_00You really do.
SPEAKER_01You have to stop treating the people in your life like evaporating exchanges.
SPEAKER_00You have to internalize that central biological and emotional truth. The steed of getting things done is simply not the same as the speed of meaningful interaction.
SPEAKER_01They operate on different frequencies.
SPEAKER_00They do. And you must choose to shift gears.
SPEAKER_01Well, at the very end of his article, Matt Norman poses a direct question, and we want to pass that call to action directly to you. Look at the landscape of your own life and ask yourself: who is the Peter in your life that you can seek out this week to help you slow down?
SPEAKER_00A great question.
SPEAKER_01Who is the person with whom you have enough relationship capital that they can serve as that physical reminder to pump the brakes and reboot your system?
SPEAKER_00It's just a vital question for preserving our individual well-being in a high-speed world. But you know, as we wrap up today, I actually want to leave you with something even broader to mull over.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, a provocative thought that builds right on top of Norman's thesis regarding speed and connection.
SPEAKER_01Okay, what's the wider implication?
SPEAKER_00Well, if the speed of getting things done is fundamentally biologically at odds with the speed of meaningful interaction, what happens to entire organizations or even entire family units where the only metric that is valued is productivity.
SPEAKER_01Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_00Right? Think about our modern workplaces. We utilize rapid-fire messaging apps, we schedule video meetings back to back down to the exact minute, we optimize our floor plans for constant output.
SPEAKER_01It's all about speed.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So are we designing our daily environments and our communication tools in a way that accidentally engineers out the very friction required for human connection?
SPEAKER_01That is a terrifying thought.
SPEAKER_00I encourage you to look at your own workplace or even the daily routines in your own home through this exact lens.
SPEAKER_01It makes you genuinely wonder if you are building a sustainable community or if you are just constructing a giant, highly efficient hamster meal that nobody knows how to step off of.
SPEAKER_00Something to think about.
SPEAKER_01Definitely. So keep an eye on your own body language the next time you find yourself inching toward the door. Until next time.