Lead With Influence

The Speed of Quality Interactions

Season 1 Episode 33

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0:00 | 21:02

Matt used to run daily around a lake near his house. One day he saw a man rowing a boat, and by the following week, he was using it himself. That chance encounter turned into a decades-long friendship with a man named Peter, one Matt still leans on for a very specific reason: Peter refuses to talk fast.

In this episode, we unpack Matt Norman’s article “The Speed of Quality Interactions” and what happened when Peter, now in his eighties, rode his bike over for a glass of water while Matt was mid-scramble through his to-do list. We talk about why meaningful connection almost always moves slower than productivity wants it to, and why driven, ambitious people are the ones most likely to lose this skill entirely.

You’ll walk away with three concrete ways to protect the pace that builds real relationship capital: identifying where you actually want depth, resisting the urge to rush through a room, and treating your interactions like compound interest.

Read the full article at mattnorman.com.

SPEAKER_01

So welcome to today's deep dive. And uh I want you to just imagine for a second that you are running at an absolute full sprint.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Like totally out of breath.

SPEAKER_01

Aaron Ross Powell Exactly. Your head is down, your lungs are just burning, and you're, you know, entirely focused on just getting to the next marker.

SPEAKER_00

Just pushing through.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And then suddenly someone steps right in front of you and asks a question that just it forces you to stop dead in your tracks.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's a jarring image.

SPEAKER_01

Trevor Burrus, Jr.: It is, right. But today we're actually looking at why your brain desperately needs you to hit that exact wall. Because we are exploring this uh highly relatable modern dilemma.

SPEAKER_00

Aaron Powell The constant friction.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, that grinding friction between our drive to just get things done and our like fundamental human need for actual connection.

SPEAKER_00

Trevor Burrus Which is, you know, it's really the great paradox of our daily routines. We constantly treat peace and rest and even human connection as a reward for productivity. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_01

Like we have to earn it first.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. The mindset is basically once everything is crossed off the list, well, then I can be present. But I mean the finish line just keeps moving.

SPEAKER_01

It really does. And to anchor this whole exploration today, we are going to be referencing a single, just incredibly insightful article by Matt Norman.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's a great piece.

SPEAKER_01

It really is. It was published just recently, and it's called The Speed of Quality Interactions. And uh early in the piece, Norman identifies this exhausting belief that if we just move a little bit faster, you know.

SPEAKER_00

Just clear out those last few emails.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Get everything optimized, and then we will finally earn the right to slow down. And reading it, it just it makes me think of a hamster wheel, but like not just a casual jog on one.

SPEAKER_00

A high-speed one.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I'm talking about a wheel where the centrifugal force actually increases the faster you run. So you aren't just tired, you're literally pinned to the wheel by your own momentum.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, that is such a good way to put it. Pinned by momentum.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, because you trick yourself into believing that peace is just uh one more cleared inbox away. Yeah. But the physics of the whale dictate that you can never actually step off while you're spinning that fast.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And that physical constraint you just described, that's exactly what Norman captures in his article.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

He recognizes that internal monologue where we basically tell ourselves, you know, if I just move faster, I'll get more done, which will finally allow me to slow down.

SPEAKER_01

The ultimate lie we tell ourselves.

SPEAKER_00

It really is. But the core argument of Norman's piece is that the reality of how human nervous systems and well, how human relationships actually function is fundamentally at odds with that productivity mindset. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_01

Because you can't you can't just outsprint a biological need for pacing.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. You just can't.

SPEAKER_01

So to really understand how this plays out in real life, we need to look at this very specific story Matt Norman shares right at the beginning of his article.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, the story about Peter.

SPEAKER_01

Right. It perfectly illustrates this collision of two completely different paces. So it involves this man named Peter, and they have this 20-year history that is just crucial to the whole context.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, the history really sets the baseline here. Because Norman traces this relationship back two decades.

SPEAKER_01

Wow, 20 years.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, so he was 29 years old at the time, and he was a runner who used to run daily around this local lake. And one day, out on the water, he spots a man rowing.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Now, Norman had been a rower in college, and he says this was the only person he ever seen rowing a skull on this specific lake.

SPEAKER_01

So immediately there's this like highly specific, serendipitous shared interest.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

So Norman goes home, tells his wife he's gonna track this guy down and see about getting some time in that boat.

SPEAKER_00

Which is pretty bold.

SPEAKER_01

It is. And his wife is highly doubtful he's gonna succeed, figuring, you know, you can't just walk up to a complete stranger and ask to use their expensive rowing equipment.

SPEAKER_00

I mean she had a point.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, completely fair. But the very next day, Norman is on his run and he catches the man just as he's pulling his boat onto the beach.

SPEAKER_00

Perfect timing.

SPEAKER_01

Right. He introduces himself, finds out the man's name is Peter, and uh within a week, Norman is out on the water using the boat.

SPEAKER_00

But the thing is, it didn't stay transactional. That initial point of contact evolved into a deeply meaningful friendship. And Norman highlights a detail that reveals a lot about the depth they built.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, the birthday thing.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Just a few months after they met, Norman, who again is a 29-year-old guy, celebrated Peter's 65th birthday with a small group of friends.

SPEAKER_01

See, that detail really grounds the story for me because celebrating a 65th birthday with someone uh 36 years, your senior, someone you basically just met.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's not normal.

SPEAKER_01

No, it shows this wasn't just casual neighborhood small talk. They were building genuine equity. Absolutely. So I want you to keep that 20-year history, that accumulative relationship in your mind. Because Norman's article then fast forwards to just last week.

SPEAKER_00

Right, prison day.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Peter is now 85 years old. He has, you know, 85-year-old knees and ankles, meaning the rowing days are behind him.

SPEAKER_00

Makes sense.

SPEAKER_01

So he stays active by riding a recumbent bicycle. And he happens to be out riding near Norman's house. So he shoots him a quick text asking if he can stop by the driveway for a drink of water.

SPEAKER_00

Aaron Powell And this text message this is what initiates the collision.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Because when Norman receives it, he is trapped squarely in that high-speed centrifugal force you described earlier.

SPEAKER_01

On the wheel.

SPEAKER_00

He's fully on the wheel.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

In the article, Norman describes himself as being in a I think he calls it a flurry of activity. Right. He's moving rapidly between conversations. He's making quick decisions, managing responsibilities. I mean, he is operating at absolute peak execution mode.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, we all know that exact state. He is fully optimized. So he runs outside to hand Peter the water, and his internal plan is just entirely transactional. Totally. Basically a checklist operation, right? Like hand over the water, exchange three or four rapid-fire pleasantries, mentally check the provided hydration to friend box, and sprint right back into the house to maintain his workflow.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And this is where Norman introduces a vital concept for driven, ambitious people.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because without intentional regulation, people who are hyper-focused on productivity will just default to what Norman calls evaporating exchanges.

SPEAKER_01

Evaporating exchanges? Man, that phrase stopped me in my tracks when I read it.

SPEAKER_00

It's so descriptive.

SPEAKER_01

It really is. The interaction just vanishes into thin air. There's no condensation, no residue, just nothing sticks.

SPEAKER_00

Precisely. And the reason it evaporates is because of the heat of your own engine.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. When you are running that hot processing tasks at a million miles an hour, the human interaction just burns off.

SPEAKER_01

Well.

SPEAKER_00

You aren't actually connecting with the person standing in front of you. Your brain is processing a human being using the exact same neural pathways it uses to process, like a calendar invite or an email notification.

SPEAKER_01

That is wild to think about.

SPEAKER_00

You are literally optimizing the human out of the exchange.

SPEAKER_01

See, I hear evaporating exchanges and I recognize how damaging that sounds, but um, I actually have to play devil's advocate here for a second.

SPEAKER_00

Lay on me.

SPEAKER_01

Because if you're listening to this deep dive on your commute right now, thinking about the 50 emails waiting for you, you might be thinking the exact same thing. If I don't treat some interactions as transactional, my entire day just falls apart. Right. The modern world demands speed. If I'm on a tight bedline and someone texts me for water, I'm handing them the water and getting back to my screen.

SPEAKER_00

You have to.

SPEAKER_01

Right. If I stop and have a deep, soul-searching, 20-minute chat with everyone who crosses my path, my projects fail and I get fired. So I mean, we have to protect our time, don't we?

SPEAKER_00

No, it's a completely valid reality check. The demands of a modern workday are not imaginary.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, they're very real.

SPEAKER_00

They're very real pressures. But what Peter does in response to Matt's frantic energy, it actually challenges the assumption that hyperspeed is the only way to navigate those pressures.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Peter's intervention in this story demonstrates that constantly running at that maximum velocity isn't just unsustainable for your relationships, it's actively degrading your own neurological baseline.

SPEAKER_01

So let's look at how Peter actively disrupts that frantic rhythm. Because Matt comes rushing out to the driveway, right, buzzing with all this anxious productive energy. Yeah, ready to execute a hyper-efficient handoff. But Peter doesn't play along.

SPEAKER_00

Not at all.

SPEAKER_01

He refuses to adopt Norman's pace.

SPEAKER_00

The contrast is stark. Norman notes in the text that Peter doesn't talk fast. He possesses this deep, measured voice. And Peter uses the physical reality of his voice and his pacing to just dictate the entire rhythm of the moment. He doesn't just say, you know, thanks for the water, see ya.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Which would have allowed Matt to stay on his hamster wheel.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. He literally forces a tempo change. He leaves this long, comfortable pause. Just silence in the driveway.

SPEAKER_01

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

And then he asks a highly specific, deeply thoughtful question. He says, Matt, what are you reading right now and what do you think about it?

SPEAKER_01

Wait, he actually asks that right in the driveway.

SPEAKER_00

Right in the driveway. And if we break down the psychology of that specific question, we see why it's so disruptive.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, break it down for us.

SPEAKER_00

Well, think about a standard greeting like how are you or been busy. Those are processed by the brain's automatic, habit-driven pathways. You don't need active cognitive presence to say, fine, just busy you.

SPEAKER_01

Right. I say that without even thinking.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. You can say that while your brain is still writing an email and your body is turning back toward the house.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_00

But what are you reading and what do you think about it? That completely bypasses that autopilot circuit.

SPEAKER_01

Because you actually have to think.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It forces the brain to engage the prefrontal cortex. You have to actively search your memory, form an opinion, and then articulate a complex thought.

SPEAKER_01

Man, it's quite literally a system reboot for the brain.

SPEAKER_00

It really is.

SPEAKER_01

Like if you imagine your computer is completely locked up, right? The cooling fans are screaming, you have 50 tabs open in your browser.

SPEAKER_00

Always.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And the system memory is just entirely maxed out. That's Matt Norman and his flurry of activity.

SPEAKER_00

Perfect analogy.

SPEAKER_01

And Peter's question is like someone reaching over the keyboard and just hitting SRAL alt-delete. It's an external force that interrupts a panicked operating system. It forces the computer to dump the RAM, clear out the open tabs of anxiety, and match a completely different, calmer baseline.

SPEAKER_00

And Norman details the profound physiological shift that happens when he is forced into that reboot.

SPEAKER_01

The physical changes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

He describes Peter's manner beautifully, actually. He calls it a speed bump slowing a speeding vehicle.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_00

And as they stood there in those intentionally longer pauses, you know, answering this thoughtful question, Norman felt his baseline shift. The anxiety, that desperate frantic need to get back inside and conquer the day, it literally began to melt away.

SPEAKER_01

He writes that his cortisol abated and his breathing deepened. So we aren't just talking about a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling here.

SPEAKER_00

No, not at all.

SPEAKER_01

That is a physical, measurable change in human body chemistry triggered entirely by a change in conversational pace.

SPEAKER_00

Which is incredible.

SPEAKER_01

It is. When the brain is forced out of the habit loop and into the present moment, it signals the nervous system that the fight or flight sprint is over.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. And the phrasing Norman uses to summarize the aftermath of this driveway interaction, it's arguably the most powerful insight in the entire article.

SPEAKER_01

Tell me.

SPEAKER_00

He notes that when he finally did go back inside to his workflow, he returned to his responsibilities feeling dignified rather than depleted.

SPEAKER_01

Dignified rather than depleted. Wow, that is such a heavy distinction.

SPEAKER_00

Isn't it?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, because when we're rushing, when we're treating people like evaporating exchanges to just serve the altar of efficiency, we might technically get the task done, but we feel drained.

SPEAKER_00

We feel like gears in a machine.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. Slowing down, matching Peter's deliberate pace, it actually restored Matt's dignity. It reminded his nervous system that he was a human being, not just a processing unit.

SPEAKER_00

Which leads us directly to Norman's central thesis. He crystallizes this entire dynamic into one core truth. The speed of meaningful interactions is almost always slower than the speed of getting things done.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. Let that sink in.

SPEAKER_00

You simply cannot run both processes simultaneously at maximum velocity. The physics of human connection dictate that one will always compromise the other.

SPEAKER_01

So, okay, if physiological rest and emotional dignity require this slower pace, but the speed of getting things done remains a reality of our jobs. It feels like we're caught in a trap.

SPEAKER_00

It does feel that way.

SPEAKER_01

Because we can't just abandon our obligations to sit in the driveway for three hours discussing literature, right? So how do we actually navigate this?

SPEAKER_00

Well, Matt Norman anticipates this exact friction. He doesn't advocate for abandoning productivity or ignoring your responsibilities.

SPEAKER_01

Good, because that wouldn't work.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, it wouldn't. Instead, he outlines a framework for intentional regulation. He provides three practical, actionable steps for building what he calls relationship capital without letting the rest of your life fall apart.

SPEAKER_01

Right. And the first of those steps is to identify where you seek depth. Because Norman makes it very clear that you cannot be fully present for every single interaction you have in a 24-hour period.

SPEAKER_00

It's biologically impossible.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Biologically and emotionally impossible.

SPEAKER_00

You have to prioritize. And to illustrate this, Norman references Dale Carnegie program.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, the leadership training stuff.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. He points out that participants in those programs, they don't just sit around passively hoping to be generally better at relationships. The curriculum actually requires them to make explicit, targeted commitments to working on specific relationships.

SPEAKER_01

It requires intention. You have to actively decide like this is a colleague or a friend or a family member that I want to invest in.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01

Norman explains that these deliberate intentions are the absolute prerequisite for accumulating equity with someone. Because if you try to go deep with everyone, you go deep with no one. So true. But even if you prioritize someone, your body language can completely betray your intentions. Which is why his second step is so critical, which is walk slowly through the crowd.

SPEAKER_00

It's a wonderful evocative image. And he actually got it from one of his mentors.

SPEAKER_01

It is, but I want to break down exactly what that means in practice. Because when Norman says walk slowly, he isn't suggesting we literally physically walk in slow motion down the office hallway like we're in a movie, right?

SPEAKER_00

No, no. The text clarifies that walking slowly is about the physical projection of your mental state.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

It's about how your nervous system broadcasts to someone else's nervous system. So Norman interprets his mentor's advice to mean that you cannot project a sense of rushing when you were engaging with someone. Right. He states it very plainly. You simply cannot have a meaningful interaction with someone while looking at your watch or inching toward the door.

SPEAKER_01

Oh man, you've probably found yourself doing this maybe even today. The classic inch.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I'm definitely guilty of the inch.

SPEAKER_01

Right. You are in a conversation, you're nodding, you are making all the right verbal agreements, but your feet are pointed directly at the exit, and you are subtly shifting your weight backward.

SPEAKER_00

And the thing is, evolutionary biology hardwires us to detect that exact behavior.

SPEAKER_01

Really?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. The person you were talking to subconsciously registers the angle of your torso and the shifting of your weight. Their limbic system detects that you don't consider them a priority.

SPEAKER_01

That you're already mentally gone.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. The interaction is actively evaporating while you are still speaking. So to walk slowly through the crowd means to physically plant yourself in the present moment. It means aligning your shoulders, stopping those micro movements of escape, and basically signaling to the other person that they have your undivided attention, even if it's only for two minutes.

SPEAKER_01

That physical presence is how you make a deposit. Which brings us to Norman's third and final point in the article. Value the compound interest.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, this is where Norman's use of financial terminology really elevates the concept.

SPEAKER_01

It really does.

SPEAKER_00

Throughout this section, he leans on words like capital, equity, and compound interest. He is fundamentally reframing how high achievers view human connection.

SPEAKER_01

Taking it out of the time waster category.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. Taking it out of the category of inefficient distraction and placing it firmly in the category of a high yield long-term asset.

SPEAKER_01

Because just like financial interest compounds over time, so do your interactions with people. Norman makes the direct comparison that if you don't value compound interest in your bank account, you won't bother saving your money, right?

SPEAKER_00

Right. You just spend it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you just spend it all on immediate gratification right now. And in the exact same way, if you don't value the long-term accumulation of relationship capital, you are highly unlikely to sacrifice your immediate productivity to savor a present moment with someone.

SPEAKER_00

That's spot on. And if we tie this financial framework back to the story of the beginning of the article, we see the perfect, tangible example of this compound interest in action.

SPEAKER_01

With Matt and Peter.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, they have 20 years of relationship capital built up. It started with a totally serendipitous random meeting about a rowboat, but it was sustained by two decades of deliberate deposits.

SPEAKER_01

Small moments of connection.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. Celebrating birthdays, showing up. Because of that massive accumulated equity, Peter had the relational standing to act as a speed bump for Matt last week.

SPEAKER_01

That is such an important distinction because if a total stranger pulled into Matt's driveway while he was frantically working and just slowly asked, What are you reading right now?

SPEAKER_00

He'd think they were crazy.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Matt would have likely found it incredibly annoying, maybe even invasive. The stranger hasn't earned the right to hit Crittle Alt Delete on Matt's Day.

SPEAKER_00

No equity.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. But because it was Peter, because of the massive compound interest they had generated together, the interruption wasn't a nuisance. It was a lifeline. It was the exact force required to pull Matt off the hamster wheel.

SPEAKER_00

And the investment yielded massive dividends for both of them in that specific moment. Matt got his cortisol lowered, his nervous system regulated, and his dignity restored.

SPEAKER_01

And Peter received a meaningful present moment of connection with a friend.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01

So when we pull all of these threads together from Matt Norman's deep dive into the speed of interaction, a very clear picture emerges. The endless grinding demands of your day are not going to disappear.

SPEAKER_00

They never do.

SPEAKER_01

Right. The wheel will always invite you to run faster, to optimize more, to treat your life as a series of tasks to be processed. But if you want to avoid feeling constantly depleted, if you want to maintain your actual humanity, you have to intentionally pump the brakes.

SPEAKER_00

You really do.

SPEAKER_01

You have to stop treating the people in your life like evaporating exchanges.

SPEAKER_00

You have to internalize that central biological and emotional truth. The steed of getting things done is simply not the same as the speed of meaningful interaction.

SPEAKER_01

They operate on different frequencies.

SPEAKER_00

They do. And you must choose to shift gears.

SPEAKER_01

Well, at the very end of his article, Matt Norman poses a direct question, and we want to pass that call to action directly to you. Look at the landscape of your own life and ask yourself: who is the Peter in your life that you can seek out this week to help you slow down?

SPEAKER_00

A great question.

SPEAKER_01

Who is the person with whom you have enough relationship capital that they can serve as that physical reminder to pump the brakes and reboot your system?

SPEAKER_00

It's just a vital question for preserving our individual well-being in a high-speed world. But you know, as we wrap up today, I actually want to leave you with something even broader to mull over.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, a provocative thought that builds right on top of Norman's thesis regarding speed and connection.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, what's the wider implication?

SPEAKER_00

Well, if the speed of getting things done is fundamentally biologically at odds with the speed of meaningful interaction, what happens to entire organizations or even entire family units where the only metric that is valued is productivity.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00

Right? Think about our modern workplaces. We utilize rapid-fire messaging apps, we schedule video meetings back to back down to the exact minute, we optimize our floor plans for constant output.

SPEAKER_01

It's all about speed.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So are we designing our daily environments and our communication tools in a way that accidentally engineers out the very friction required for human connection?

SPEAKER_01

That is a terrifying thought.

SPEAKER_00

I encourage you to look at your own workplace or even the daily routines in your own home through this exact lens.

SPEAKER_01

It makes you genuinely wonder if you are building a sustainable community or if you are just constructing a giant, highly efficient hamster meal that nobody knows how to step off of.

SPEAKER_00

Something to think about.

SPEAKER_01

Definitely. So keep an eye on your own body language the next time you find yourself inching toward the door. Until next time.