Rock Bottom

Awakening Authenticity: Valeria Moraga’s Journey of Radical Acceptance and Creativity / Rock Bottom Ep. 005

• Christopher Morello • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Awakening Authenticity: Valeria Moraga’s Journey of Radical Acceptance and Creativity

Join us in the Rock Bottom Lounge as we dive deep into the life and experiences of Valeria Moraga, a multidisciplinary artist and spiritual powerhouse. From her early life in the Philippines to her transformative years in New York City, Valeria shares candid stories about navigating cultural identity, gender, and creativity. Learn about her serendipitous encounters, the power of radical acceptance in friendships, and the importance of finding community and self-awareness. Discover how Valeria harnessed her journey through rock bottoms to become her authentic self, offering invaluable advice to those on similar paths.

00:00 Morning Coffee Adventure
00:41 Radical Friendship Acceptance
02:22 Welcome to the Rock Bottom Lounge
03:08 Serendipitous Meeting with Valeria
03:33 Cultural and Spiritual Reflections
07:02 Powerful Play: Us vs. Them
09:42 Navigating Identity and Community
13:04 Childhood in the Philippines
17:40 Journey to Self-Discovery
20:27 Life in New York City
21:53 Starting the Conversation
22:34 Discussing Life's Journey
24:16 Finding Community and Creativity
25:57 Parental Concerns and Self-Sovereignty
28:47 Financial Advice and Life in New York
30:02 Navigating the Late Twenties and Thirties
35:49 Rock Bottom and Self-Discovery
38:28 The Power of Writing and Self-Expression
46:11 Final Reflections and Advice

Chris:

so I woke up this morning, I was laying in bed at around 11:00 AM I'm like, I need to get my ass outta bed. I need to get coffee. And literally as I'm having that thought, z Valeria, Hey, you wanna get coffee? Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like right now. She's like, yeah, let's go. Like, gimme 20 minutes. I'll be right there. And

Valeria:

literally, we're at Abracadabra.

Chris:

We're at Abracadabra

Valeria:

Magic Diner, having. Magic brownies. Magical moment. Magic brownies. Well these aren't

Chris:

Browning magic. Well, it's not a kind of

Valeria:

magic. It has um, MAA in it and vegan and it's really good. Right? It's so good. We are really advertising this. Yeah. We're gonna plug in. Yeah, plug in. And we just met the owner and we just met the owner with their best friend of 35 years. 35 years. 35 freaking years. So we asked what's their, um, it's gonna be

Chris:

some good as SMR,

Valeria:

35 years, five years. A friendship, but we asked what was their secret go?

Chris:

Their secret was, radical acceptance.

Valeria:

Radical friendship acceptance.

Chris:

Also, it sounded like they didn't even have to try.'cause I was asking'em questions like, Hey, um, like, what were the hard times in your friendship? And they're like, oh, there were none. We just, you know, of course we lost touch with each other, but, and sometimes there's points where, you know, you just show up and help cook.'cause she was running a catering business.

Valeria:

Yeah. And just be in space with each other no matter what. Yeah. You know, I, I do feel like a lot of people these days have so much boundaries.

Chris:

Mm.

Valeria:

And, and I think that's, for me, it's just prevents it more of co-creation. Mm. Co-creation. Yeah. So just saying,

Chris:

you know, it's, it, it's beautiful too.'cause you could, the flip side of that is like. If you just hang out with people who you just vibe with. And I know we kinda use vibe a lot as a word, but it'll just naturally be,'cause I was talking to this guy named Cameron. Cameron with a k and I was asking him questions about like friendships and vibes and how to be a vibe. And it was just like, you know when the vibe's good, you're there. And then when it's not good you dip. And if people are friends with people that they shouldn't be friends with, the vibe's just not gonna be good. So if you're like, if your relationships are hard.

Valeria:

That, that says a lot. You know, there's, there's always a saying of like, trust your gut. Mm-hmm. That says something. Yeah. So always go for that.

Welcome back to the Rock Bottom Lounge, where we explore life's low points as growth points. I'm really excited to release this episode with Valeria Moraga, who is just a magical human being, multidisciplinary artist, and just a spiritual power host. In this episode, we explore Valeria's upbringing from the Philippines to Chicago, how they navigated gender identity and culture and tapping into the artist's way. Ultimately we go into how to find community radical acceptance and the continuous journey towards self-awareness and authenticity. So you can be your authentic, confident self. Thank you listeners for tuning in. We've surpassed 500 downloads so far, which is kind of crazy, so thanks for tuning in and let's continue.

Chris:

I'm really excited to be talking to you and just the serendipity of you messaging and now we're here. And also our color combination's. Great.'cause we, we both have contrast with this dark couch behind us. With our shirt

Valeria:

again as Abra Magic Diner, Abra, this is the corner to be.

Chris:

But, um, I met you two months ago now.

Valeria:

Yes. Short Mountain.

Chris:

In Short Mountain. Yeah. And when I met Valeria, I just felt this like majestic goddess mother presence from you and, I'm a huge believer in the wind speaks. I went to the park that my grandfather used to go to back in Switzerland and because my, my uncle showed me like, this is where your grandfather used to hang out and reflect on life. And I remember going there and sitting in the same bench that he used to reflect in. And I would ask questions and the wind would blow in certain ways.

Valeria:

That's beautiful. And

Chris:

then there was a storm that came. But like everywhere was raining except around the park. Like I literally have a picture of it. You can just see like clear sky right above me and then storm from the side. And that's when I realized like, whoa, there's something here. And, and so fast forward to being at Short Mountain. You were giving an amazing, talk on Mother Nature and then you're like, I'm gonna call in the wind. And literally as you said, that it, it had not been windy all day. This huge gust of wind just comes in so intensely. And you're wearing this beautiful piece with like the, the tail feathers, the tool.

Valeria:

Yeah. Like I had it in my headpiece and I was the wind, technically that was the road. And then the

Chris:

wind is like, is streaming these things. And I was like, wow. Whatever you're saying, like the wind agrees with you.

Valeria:

No, that was, I mean, like, I'm getting teed up too. It's so interesting to be doing that moment and to really have an out body experience and the saying of like, you are the vessel and you surrender to it. And that, that was one of those moments that was like, oh, okay. That was, that was a message. That was something. So it was, it was such an honor,

Chris:

and I don't think I told you this, but at that moment I was literally looking around to be like, did this bitch bring a wind machine? Like. Is there like some massive generator on property that is like I, it, it was, it was literally like that.

Valeria:

Yeah. And on you it was out in the field greens and we just had all, all of it. The sky was so beautiful. It was perfect timing. I mean, it just gives more context. And the piece that I did is called, Pangalay, it's an offering that you do, A majority of it is in, in special occasion and parties, someone getting, we. And I tied it more in the performance art way. So it was a bit slower. The music, which was um, um, grace Nono called and I realized the more I, I translated it, it's about coming home.

Chris:

Mm.

Valeria:

And saying, I think I remember I was saying Father, mother, I'm fine. I'm coming from, and this is from the Philippines, right? Yeah. Wow. And it's the Taluk tribe, the movement with the long nail. So.

Chris:

Mm.

Valeria:

It's a very water and wind movement. So doing it was pretty cool.

Chris:

Is the Taud tribe from the Philippines? Yes,

Valeria:

the and the Ana. The more I really dig in and unearth my history and where I am from, granted I'm in the northern part of the Philippines. This is the southern part, so I'm just really reconnecting with that. I'm going back to authenticity. It just has more power and levity Wow. Of what you're bringing to the world,

Chris:

so Wow. Oh, so powerful. Yeah. Right. So if we kind of like flash forward through your life to right now, obviously you're being Goddess Energy summoning in the Wind, um, you also co-created a powerful play with a great group of people called us versus them. Yeah.

Valeria:

Written by Chalice or Summer Minerva? Summer. Summer. Summer Minerva. Yeah. Good friend. Good friend of mine. Yeah.

Chris:

And what was so powerful about this play? And I hope it gets recorded so we can like drop the link in. I was crying when I saw it. And can I give it away a little bit? Like talk a little bit about it. Why not? Okay. With a lot of conflict in the world. It's really easy to take sides. I mean, it's very easy to take sides easy. but the reality is, is like we're all, we all come from one. And when we look at this through this lens of us versus them, we we're actually just creating trauma amongst each other and. We can't get past that and this beautiful play and how you just like, oh man, I don't even have the words. But it was just this beautiful take on what's happening in, Palestine slash Israel and, and everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere there's war. Yeah. And you really just saw both sides of it and just realized how we're all just so broken and. Like it, man, I, I'm crying thinking about it.'cause it's something like, I don't know how anyone could not watch it and just be mood by it. Mm-hmm. Um, and I think we need more art form like that because a lot of times I think it's easier to take a stance and be like, oh, you're bad, or you support this, or you're bad, or which, you know, there's a lot to unpack. Um, but I think when you, the way you framed it was just very Wow.

Valeria:

Yeah. And, and I think that's the work that we are doing, especially as artists now. It's so. That's, that's, that's the work. You know, I think Nina Simone said it, I might quote her wrong, but please forgive me, Nina, of like, what is the artist's job is to truly comment on the experience through your art. Mm. So, yeah. And I'm so grateful to be alive, to be able to do that now. Right. To just see the scope and the macro and the micro, what's going on. Mm. Ooh, it's, it's sometimes you just have to pinch yourself, like, yes. It's beautiful to be alive. Right?

Chris:

It's so beautiful.

Valeria:

Yeah. Are reading these delicious brownies. Yeah. It's so good, by the way. So good. Maa Brownie and aika. That diner. We're good plugging in this diner because they're so sweet. I love them.

Chris:

Yes. They're so sweet so now you're here in this beautiful place. You're your full self. Um, still

Valeria:

still in discovery.

Chris:

Still in discovery, yeah. Yeah, life's not over. It's not over. We got like 50, 60, 70, 80 years ahead of us. Ooh, more more than that. Yeah. Infinite. Infinite. Oh wow. You're right. Our life is infinite. It's eternal.

Valeria:

It's never, yeah, and this plank, if you think about it,

Chris:

So on this world plane, we're still figuring it out, but you're in a really great space now. And I'm sure you still have your low points. I mean, I had my low points two days ago. But uh, it used to be even lower. And I would love to hear about your story. Where you came from, and some of the parts of navigating it.

Valeria:

Hold. Please

Chris:

hold, please.

Valeria:

That's a blender of your, uh, a famous Abra Diner tree. Yeah, that is a frozen drink.

Chris:

The frozen drinks are being made. Does

Valeria:

Me too. It could be a good A SMR. Yeah, if you just listen to it.

Chris:

Just listen.

Valeria:

Yeah. This is comedy now. Comedy

Chris:

night.

Valeria:

Ooh. That feeling of shakes being put together.

Chris:

Yeah. Or are they grinding something? It sounds like a food processor or a juicer.

Valeria:

It's a juicer.

Chris:

Well, anyway, if you're listening to this podcast, you're not here for the audio quality. You're here for this story.

Valeria:

Yes sir.

Chris:

Go. Alright. So. Oh man. I just wanna like set up your story.

Valeria:

Go.

Chris:

You are a beautiful soul and you're living a beautiful life right now. But it hadn't always been that way. You were, born in the Philippines, living with your family, having a very wonderful life there, but you felt you were in the wrong body and then you moved to the us. And then felt like you were double in the wrong body. Mm-hmm. As a first generation immigrant. misaligned with the gender and you eventually found yourself through your own journey. In topic one, like what was those rock bottom moments like? Like not feeling like you were yourself.

Valeria:

It literally is about awareness, right? And I, I, I, I've always had this great intuitive way of, like, again, going back to your gut, trusting your gut, but I really didn't have the language in a lot of those. And let's talk about gender and what that is. I realized. There is a femininity that is living in all of us, and it was just a raise in a way that I couldn't reflect on because of the system that has been put in this land, and it was always there. Mm. So it, it, it took community, it took me moving. Specifically here in Brooklyn and having community to have that, I mean, ooh, where to start in terms of like the rock bottom?

Chris:

Well, why don't we go chronologically?

Valeria:

Yeah.

Chris:

And we'll use age as a marker, even though age doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it, you know, we all like to compare ages. I

Valeria:

I be careless. I I'm ancient. So the

Chris:

listeners might appreciate Yes. Oh, okay.

Valeria:

You're ancient. Always. Forever and ever.

Chris:

So before you were eight, what was life like in the Philippines for you?

Valeria:

Think rural, I saw cows in the morning passing by making those sounds and the roosters. So it's very, that type of rural, but still has a neighborhood. And I just remember the class system was all over the place. It wasn't like a neighborhood where all the middle class is here. It was about who bought the land specifically. So you were with people of all type. So I was playing with kids that were squatters, low income. Um, my grandparents were well off in their middle class.

Chris:

What was it like being the kid who came from the landowners playing with the squatter kids? Were any of you even aware of that as kids?

Valeria:

No. I think that's the beauty of our, innocence there. But I started getting, police. I had a nanny, so they were like, you're not even my, like, you're not allowed to play. You have to stay. So the adults had the problem with you hanging out with

Chris:

the

Valeria:

squatter kids? Yeah, yeah. Think of, um, what, what's that movie? Um, million Dollar Baby, not Million Dollar Baby. Um, it's an India, some dog millionaire. Yeah. That kind of energy within that context.

Chris:

Wow. Yeah. So what were you thinking when your grandma was saying, Or your nanny, sorry, was suggesting you can't hang with those kids. Of course I rebelled, you know, so now I want to, what were your favorite memories with those kids?

Valeria:

Actually, this one still stick in my mind and'cause I think they were trying to find money. So coin, so apparently, uh, there's um, there's, what do you call it? Not the tunnel where like the river's flowing. Mm. But it's like dirty. There's the water flow, what would call that? Like a storm drain or? Yeah, like a drain. But you, it's like about this big. Yeah. So I will watch them and they would just dig and they're trying to find money and I was like, oh my God, I want to help them. And it's like, mine is black and like dirty. So I started doing it. I just remember my nanny just like, pick me up, you're not allowed. And I was like, why? I wanna help them. So that was like my earliest moment.

Chris:

Wow. You know, it's crazy the innocence we have when we're kids and then we start to learn these class structures or like, oh, you can associate with those people, but you can't associate with those. And you fast forward over time and because you're getting that feedback constantly, you end up becoming very anxious because it's like, oh, well now I gotta be in the right social status.

Valeria:

Now add, Colonization under that and the binary out of that. And Philippines has been bought by Spain and and then bought by America. You realize a lot of it too is like some people lose. What tradition is in the Philippines?

Chris:

I'm curious what it's like to, grow up in a culture that has been colonized by multiple, you know, the Spaniards, the Chinese, the Americans. That Japanese, the Japanese, how does that play into the, uh, sense of identity?

Valeria:

My friend said this. Your erased, right? And it's really s scrambling for, for tradition. A lot of Filipinos are in the Catholic regime. And that's hard. For me I had to dig deeper, Especially even the two-spirit and the transness, the queerness of it all. Mm-hmm. So it's hard'cause a lot of people in the culture too are still trying to figure out what. Fits for them, and it's literally creating your own tradition again. And then, you know, now, I mean there is language more if you have to seek it. The people are doing the culture bearer work, you know, the, what you saw in the land when I did it. I, I'm still in process of figuring all those out. But I need to surround myself, people that are a bearer of the culture and you have to relearn a lot of it. Wow. And really the word is It was tough.'cause it's like you were taught this one thing that you were trying to find clarity of your humanity, but it's a lot of it, it's still coverage. I mean, if it works for you. Yes. You know, for me as a young, young, young, young human, I was like, why are we in here? We're going in church every Easter and it's truly is about creating something that speak for you with the context. For me, I have to surround myself with the culture bearers and the knowledge of that. And I'm still am, you know, it's a never,

Chris:

never ending. So then, at nine you move here, which is like the ultimate colony. If you will. Yeah. Um, what, not only did you grow up in a colonized place, now you've moved to this new colony. Um, you, at what age are you starting to realize like you're not in the right body?

Valeria:

It was really tough going to college too and everything.'cause you were really like put in a box. Mm, type. So not until I moved to the city. And what age was that? 2006. 22. 21. 21. Yeah. So fresh outta college? Yeah, just like hungry. Hungry. I got to live the night life. Mm-hmm. I was so curious about it, of spaces and there were so many queerness that was happening. You know, the drag scene, you know, I used to back up dance. Yeah. For a lot of drag queens. One especially peppermint, and I realized like, oh, going back to mirror work of oh, these people see who I am compared to when I was going in a lot of the dance or theater. Auditions, like, oh, you have to be this in order to be that. Instead of like, and you,

Chris:

you were backup dancing with drag queens when you moved to the city.

Valeria:

Well, I found it, yeah. And I was like,

Chris:

oh my God, would you like,

Valeria:

sure,

Chris:

let's do, it's fun. You were getting paid 20 bucks, but go for it. Wow. So at this point, like especially in the college years, you were trying to fit in as a boy? No. And a chorus boy, as you could say,

Valeria:

a chorus boy. But I was like playing, you know, you were pretty out there. You, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I was playing the leading man and everything but I wasn't really planted.

Chris:

At what point would you say was like your deepest rock bottom? If you think of your, and how old are you now, if you don't mind me asking? I'm 900. 900.

Valeria:

I'm turning. And in my forties.

Chris:

You're in your forties. No, fucking way. Shocking, right?

Valeria:

Shocking. The magic of meditation and care truly self preserve

Chris:

you. I believe that. Yeah, I believe that. And lots of water and unprocessed foods. You wear sunscreen. Okay. And some sunscreen.

Valeria:

Sleep good. Sex and water.

Chris:

And water. That's the trifecta. Yeah. So what would you say like your rock bottom was and at what point of your life is it?

Valeria:

Actually, my third relationship in New York, they left right away within a week, and I was just in shock. And then I booked a gig in Florida and decided to drive across America after it and lived in la. I think that was my wife. What age

Chris:

was this?

Valeria:

35, I

Chris:

think. 35. Okay. So maybe I'm kind of jumping around a bit here. So like let's actually just go through the chronological timeline of life and then we'll talk about that. So, uh, so the 21 year you moved to New York City, what are you finding now that you're here in the city?

Valeria:

Community embodiment and creativity. Massive creativity. Abundance. Yeah. Yeah.

Chris:

Can you tell me a bit about your twenties, like some of the highlights, the lowlights,

Valeria:

well, I studied opera. In music theater in Ohio, Marvin Wallace. And it was that system that like, you get to go to New York after and be on Broadway. Mm. And that was the goal. Yeah. So it still is, it's just veered off in a different way. You know, discovered nightlife discovered more creativity.

Chris:

What were some things that you did in your twenties, fresh outta school, moving to the city that became. Great investments that if you look back now, you're like, wow, I'm so happy I did this when I was in my twenties. We have someone sitting right here who's, you know, 21, just moved to the city.

Valeria:

find a space where you can really. Talk to your mental capacity of what has happened to you to someone that you and may be. Oh, look at that. Music is going now. Is this gonna be too loud?

Chris:

Music's beautiful, but I'm afraid our audio might need to be moved. We're gonna pause. Yeah, we're gonna

Valeria:

pause and enjoy this music. Yeah, stay tuned. TBD, we can do a little sing song here. Do you want to I can. Can you sing? I can take us away. It's Saturday at. Tune.

Chris:

All right, we're live. So speaking of synchronicity, um, I just now got royalty free background music for the intro. Technically, bitch,

Valeria:

you better. I mean, it's ambient sound. Are we, are we tagging them? Look at me. I'm sound like. Yeah, we, we'll tag them. Yeah, we'll tag them. Link in the bio, link in the bottom.

Chris:

So we are basically talking about the journey of your life. Yes. Um, from eight years old or nine years old, moving here. Um, you're doing college studying and then you moved to the city. Yes. Um, and we're looking at your twenties and you're gonna share with us some really great decisions you made. And maybe some things that you would do differently, assuming that 21-year-old you is sitting here. Yeah. And, uh, you're just like, Hey, hey, hey, I, I finally figured out time travel and now I'm talking to you. Hey, here's what you need to know. Here's

Valeria:

what you need to know. Time traveler, truly fine. Maybe therapy or someone that you trust that you can truly. Like tell what's going on with you? You know, I think I didn't grow up with access on any of that, and even my parents as immigrants, just figuring out how to live and put food in the table and housing, and we were, I was in survival mode constantly, so I wasn't really aware of the trauma and, and everything that was like, wanted to be expressed. It was very suppressed and in a way that. I mean, I'm, I'm so happy that I'm still, you know, I'm alive here talking to you, that I'm able to process that without major harm. Mm. You know, I realized that, and yes, I had some like low moments of like form of addiction and any of that, but I survive. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, that's one thing, you know, really find someone that can. Here you out.

Chris:

Mm.

Valeria:

So it's out there. So,

Chris:

so the good things you did do was find people you could talk to, find community. I didn't, that's the thing. Oh, you didn't?

Valeria:

So that was one of the hardest thing that I had to really, I mean, even till today, but now you know, I have such a great community that mirror each other in a way.

Chris:

So if you're 21 in the city, you wanna find community now a lot sooner?

Valeria:

Yes. It's hard, but the resources are there. I mean, use your Instagram, whatever that you're using.'cause it's out there and it's just being very intentional on how you're want to build. So,

Chris:

and what are some things that, uh, you did do well that you're like, damn, I'm happy I made that decision or did that thing in my twenties?

Valeria:

For me, I really found the underground culture of queerness. nightlife in New York. I was a club kid in my late twenties and realized I found my creativity there other than my career that I was like doing. A lot of the things that I wasn't being able to express because I was living what I was supposed to live by in terms of a boy. And at night I found this beautiful creature of divine feminine create, creating a look, I got in front of the line. I didn't have to wait. Mm. You know, there was this camaraderie of other creatives and club kids and fems and trans folks drag queens that it was like, oh, there was, there was a lot of that happening. So it's powerful. Yeah. That's one thing that I was like, oh. Yeah. What would

Chris:

you say to someone's parents who might be thinking, oh, that might have been negative or you might have been being groomed you know, people who. Have an issue with maybe their kids, uh, finding these communities that might make the parents feel very uncomfortable.'cause they have a feeling about it.

Valeria:

That's where they need to question themselves. I mean, at the end of the day, it is safety for their, you know, I'm going through it with my parents constantly.

Chris:

Do your parents ever question you or, um, are they mostly sports? Yes. Always.

Valeria:

Always. But one thing I've learned is literally ask your parents for your. Sovereignty in your happiness. Because the more you police it, the more makes the kid, be a rebel and really go the other way. You can't imprison it. Mm. And that's the hardest thing about us, I wanna say queer folk. Mm. And it's hard. And you need to give them permission. I think who said Angelica Rod's famous, uh, trans activist is like you were put in this world for your parents to really challenge more of what your experience is. Mm. And I think that was, that's every queer, marginalized person that is being born in this world right now. And it really is. You, you get to question. I love your, a lot of your belief system because we are living in our authenticity in a way, you know, of course within context of safety. You know, I'm not gonna be like a drug lord or I don't know, whatever that lifestyle is, but I know, I know what I am and what this existence at this moment,

Chris:

you know? Yeah. That's really well said. When I think back to my youth, uh, it was actually the queer spaces I think got me through high school. And it was knowing that I had those spaces and growing up in Florida especially where they're like starting to remove these spaces and you can't even like have these spaces anymore. I think parents think like, oh yeah, now the school's becoming safer.'cause, you know, if, if they were never shown that to begin with, they would've never had these desires. Yeah. But, um, clearly even in you, probably as young as a kid, you probably had, you had these realizations that you were different and multis spirited

Valeria:

It's all ingrained into us, so it's really. Finding language, finding elders that are actually doing it, or the people that are actually doing the work that you're doing and get yourself the language. Be, be curious. And I think that was the thing that really got me where I am now is my curiosity of, of living. Always question it. Always question everything, you know, but don't go crazy. Yeah, yeah. Put yourself in a mental spiral, but, oh

Chris:

yeah. Was there anything you would've done differently in your 20th? Save, save,

Valeria:

save,

Chris:

save financially.

Valeria:

Yeah. And, and that comes a lot of psychology too. That's one thing I realized of lack of um, lack of abundance or that, that mentality, you know, and I realize a lot of immigrant people that are coming are defined. Unless you come from money, that's a different thing, you know? That was the thing that I had, that my parents never taught, And it's really your relationship with abundance.

Chris:

Ooh.

Valeria:

It's about a abundance mentality and really knowing how to look at that in the bigger spectrum I survived with a credit card and$500 in New York City when I moved here.

Chris:

What would you say to people who might be hesitant to come to New York City because they think it's too expensive and they don't have a job lined up.

Valeria:

I mean that's on you. Just make it happen. So that's lack of, you know, all of that. You already conceived the notion of yes, it is expensive, I've experienced it, but where I am right now and I know that the possibilities is out there. So it's really, I mean, saved. Mm. Build your community. Mm. Find your resources.'cause it's all out there.

Chris:

So let's flash forward then to like your late twenties, maybe thirties, because I feel like people at like 29, 30, 31 are like in huge pivot phases.

Valeria:

Yes. They're in discovery. Get wet, get dirty, create, take more risk than ever. You know, I've seen a lot of the kids too that are like. Taking their creativity to, you know, especially with Instagram and all of this own, own way of creating, it's very fascinating. So really do it. And if it works, follow through it and just see where, what it can come, and I did my own form of it, so I have like an idea on what those are and I'm able to plug it in on the things that, you know, happening from. My ritual that you saw from the play that was like, just like beautifully effortlessly.

Chris:

You've been around for a while on this plane. And now I feel like you really sharpened your diamonds to the point where like, what I am seeing you produce is like ethereal, people just need to see this stuff. Like your work. It's incredible. It's so moving. Thank you. And it's like, and you can tell it is really been honed over time through like I guess all the rock bottoms. Yeah. And And

Valeria:

peace. It. It's sad that it has to, I mean, you look at all the other artists like, and some people have it and they just have the space and people really care for it. And I really had to find it. Mm. And I think that's one thing. And going back to like, I wish there was more care. Mm, more care in what way of holding space for mine growth. And I think that was the hardest thing, that your own self-care or own self care and. Just my surrounding, you know, growing up in a place that really had a hard time trying to foster your creativity because of the system that I grew up in. So, yeah. Yeah,

Chris:

yeah. It's funny'cause going back to the parenting thing, I have parents in my life, like friends who are parents and, um, you know, across the. Belief, value spectrum, so to speak. And I guess there's this idea, especially in the US that if you just, or if you remove all these different influences from the kids, you'll quote unquote shield them but I feel people are who they are. Like there's something like at the core that the soul essence,, you see this all the time. It's like, oh, ever since you're a baby, I knew X, Y, and Z. Like there's just that. And so when you do this, you think you're shielding your kids, but you actually might be putting your kids in a situation where it takes'em a lot longer to actually figure out who they are. Because they didn't have those influences. And yeah, I just invite parents to, you know, just be open, more open-minded, be open,

Valeria:

be open. And literally it's a Google away is a chat GPT away. Not to plug that in, but it really, the resources are there, you know? Yeah,

Chris:

yeah, yeah. That's true too. People are like banning books in libraries, but the reality is, is you just Google all this shit anyway, so it's like, you know, a lot. Anyway, it's, it's, that's a whole other story. But, because we are talking about raising amazing humans and how we create amazing humans, and it really does start from day zero. Day zero. So, um, at home. So then what about in your, mid thirties to late thirties, you're getting a lot dirtier in your, as you described it, more experimental then, what kind of came from that?

Valeria:

I mean that, I think that was like the deep. And the awareness came in more and more.'cause it, it, it'll just keep showing up more the more you're still making whatever that thing's triggering things. And it just becomes harder and harder of the outcome if you keep doing it that are like, I reminded you this, I reminded you this twice. And the third time, you know, one thing that I can relate is my relationship.

Chris:

That I've

Valeria:

had from the first to second to third, the third was the hardest. Mm. You know, threes I, I threes has been great guidance in my life of things happening and like, okay, are you gonna change something about this? Or you're gonna keep doing it? So that was very interesting. So, yeah, I mean, in my thirties it was like, yes, I was still creating, I was still in it and you know, thought of other. Venues of like how to be sustainable and for the grace of the universe and the divine, I'm like able to be in community and do the the customer service life. And I realized I was really good at it, you know, and just like have been more knowledgeable. So that's one thing and led me to where I'm working now, that I'm able to be who I am. 24 7. A house of Yes. Mm. You went

Chris:

right. Did you go house? Oh, the show is a party I've actually never been to House of. Yes.

Valeria:

Oh, I thought you went when all the Face came after

Chris:

one of the parties. Yeah. Oh, I'm an early, uh, I'm an early sleeper. Oh. But I would love to go to House of Yes. Especially if you're hosting something. I would really love to hear that. Yeah.

Valeria:

I mean, I just work in and I let my people come. I mean, dirty Circus is a fun show. Yeah. Um, but yeah. And you know, that's when I did my medicine plant medicine journey, my ayahuasca journey. And that led more of a clarity of, you know, really feeling a lot of my inner child.

Chris:

Oh, I'd love to get into that. So we've framed this conversation, like different parts of the life chronologically. But I would love to now dive into like what was the biggest rock bottom moment. That really allowed you to harness like this period of your life

Valeria:

I think it was my LA moment.'cause I really wanted to get away from New York after my third. Breakup.

Chris:

And this is in your, uh, 35, you said earlier, I believe. Yeah. 30. So 35. You, you moved cross country to la Yes, and I had a

Valeria:

girlfriend. Mm. So she proposed after I did my show in Florida. Sarasota. Florida.

Chris:

Sarasota.

Valeria:

I had a very healing moment there, and I did a show. It's called Straight white man, check it out, written by, I forgot the writer, but it's a Korean American playwright.

Chris:

Mm-hmm.

Valeria:

Powerful story. Again, it was one of those pieces that like, okay, this speaks the language and where I am in my humanity. And it was just sharpening it more. And I, my CoStar was, this beautiful black trans woman. I was like, still going through everything that I was going through, I didn't realize there was some depression there. But again, I was surrounded with love that I was able to have the levity of it. You know, ivory was a part of my life that whole time too. So then I drove across country and lived in LA in a basement And I realized I wasn't looking at certain things I was heading, and that that was the moment of like really sitting in myself.'cause I really had a a lot alone time. I was walking everywhere. I had no car unless I had to Uber from work and really had to sit with self. And I remember one night I was just crying. And why, why, why, why? And that. Was like the rock bottom moment. And I think I did Molly with my roommates. I mean, my good friends. And I just remember the sky turning this ceia and I just like couldn't stop crying

Chris:

and it was

Valeria:

so like, apparent. I was like, wow. Wow. I mean, I wouldn't call it like my down, but like it was a moment of like. Okay. Something, something needs to be changed.

Chris:

And how, what did you do with that the next morning?

Valeria:

Went to work. Did you feel different? No, no, I was still living in it. So it was, I mean it was, you know, I started the artist way because of my roommates. They lived upstairs. Is that a book? Uh, the Artist Way? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's Julia Cameron. Yeah. It's just Artist Way

Chris:

is Julia Cameron. You recommend

Valeria:

that book? I recommend that book'cause it was like, uh, it forced me, but it really got me outta my head to write three pages per day no matter what and that. I've got, you know, the consciousness going and everything and really taught me about process again, and really retrace everything from whatever that's going on in my head. So, I mean, like I have a pile of it at home. Wow. That it's just there. That's call it manuscript Wow. Of like the journey. So I mean, now I write at least one page a day. Yeah. To just like free write and like even just. Can brainstorm anything.

Chris:

That's really great advice. So, you're reading this book and you're, you've had this realization, what are you doing to make that change? Is it part of it, like writing three pages a day? Yeah. Or, yeah.

Valeria:

I'm bringing awareness to your consciousness and then with the grace of. Things were happening in this space. My body just didn't feel to be there anymore. Certain action that happened that was like still a trigger of things. I was like, that needs to change. And I was like, okay, I need time to go back to New York. And that's 2019. Wow. Pre pandemic. And I got here January of 2020 and then by March Pandemic started. I was sitting a lot alone in my thoughts and everything, and, and the pandemic really prepped me to dig deeper.

Chris:

Yeah.

Valeria:

Which was still a lot of depression and you know, what we went through. So,

Chris:

so, but you're, you're making, you're starting to make change in your life, you're being intentional. Um, were there days where you just felt like, oh, this three pages of writing is stupid, this is not gonna give me an answer? Yes. And, and did you still convince yourself to write? Yes. How, but what was the inner monologue in your head? Do it

Valeria:

because you know you're gonna get something out of it. I think we've trained ourself to do things that we don't like. Mm.

Chris:

So I

Valeria:

think it's about retraining.

Chris:

And you didn't like this at the time? I didn't.

Valeria:

But it, it was good accountability.'cause I'm one of my closest friends that were doing it with me, so it was like, okay, let's do this. Mm-hmm. And you know, it takes a village.

Chris:

And from writing three pages a day, like what did you start noticing changing in your life and like at what points since you started doing it? It's

Valeria:

just clarity of a form of clarity and consciousness. Clarity and, you know, we have so much. That we think about. What's his name? said it. Stay in your head. You're dead. Mm. Okay. A famous speaker. He does a stay in your head. You're dead. Yeah. Whoa. I forgot his, his name. Don't quote me.

Chris:

So would you, would you attribute, like if you were to think of like all the biggest levers, if you're thinking of like leverage points that like made the most growth for you in getting outta rock bottom, um, discovering who you want to be, how you wanna show up for yourself, would you say this writing exercise was one of them or

Valeria:

one of the tools? One of the tools, yeah.'cause you're expressing reading. Yeah. We have to express. Hmm. Either through movement, through singing, and so I think being an artist is so beautiful. Mm-hmm. You know, unless you're one of those people, like, just can be in nature and you're healed. You know, all of this are tools of getting things out.

Chris:

Hmm.

Valeria:

Deponing other Right word. Squeezing things out of your system. Yeah. Yeah.

Chris:

Wow. That's actually really great advice. Um, and I've, I've heard it almost described sometimes as clearing the pipes when you just start writing for the first time. Yeah. Do you write. I've started writing. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, we're part of a, we have a hit publish group where every second Wednesday we meet up and at eight we started writing at six and at eight 30 sharp, we all hit, hit publish on Substack at the same time. Wow. And it's, and I think the time box of it has just forced me to get thoughts out. Yeah. Yeah.

Valeria:

Wow. That's great. Accountability.

Chris:

Please join us.

Valeria:

Again, It's just really putting yourself in those system, like you don't know what skills you have until it's, you know, because I think we trained ourself from past trauma and what those skills that you have, and I realize, you know, you have a lot more to offer than what you thought.

Chris:

And then what's number three?

Valeria:

Have yourself. Have yourself. Sovereignty. Sovereignty. I think that's one thing that I've really realized more, being able to be okay no matter what the situation is, and be alone. There you go. Learn how to be alone in every aspect. To up the journey

Chris:

and trust your art form and trust who you are. Yeah.

Valeria:

Because that, it really does come down. You go home to yourself every day and be able to say, I'm okay going home every day to myself. Wow.

Chris:

Um, you know, so I am reading a book called, um, the Fountain Head, and it's a kind of, it talks about that, of just sovereignty of like. You know, being your own individual and not just trying to follow the trends or the crowd, which I think we naturally tend to do. I mean, that's,

Valeria:

we're built for that.

Chris:

Yeah,

Valeria:

yeah,

Chris:

yeah. We were literally built for that because like we had to fit into a tribe, but like, you know, at the time those tribes were like only 30 people. So yeah, cohesion was really important, but nowadays, the world's so big and vast that you can find your tribe anywhere, anywhere

Valeria:

and still, you know, but able to go home with South and. I have clarity on that.

Chris:

Was there other like rock bottom moments going on when the relationship was ending and before you're moving to LA I

Valeria:

mean, I didn't have awareness. I felt like I was just in automatic survivor mode. Mm.

Chris:

And I was like, what did that look like day to day?

Valeria:

Tired, tiring. And I was all in the apps, and it's just like, you're just distracting yourself.

Chris:

Mm.

Valeria:

And I realized I needed that to find, I, I needed to go to Florida to find a creativity outlet that was telling my story. To go to LA and have this beautiful journey and be with a woman. I think that was so healing.

Chris:

Mm.

Valeria:

Yeah.

Chris:

You know, it's funny'cause I, I think, a good sign that you're at rock bottom is if you're spending most of your time scrolling on apps. Yes.

Valeria:

It really is.

Chris:

It really is. I hope I don't get canceled on, like, Zuck doesn't cancel us for calling that out, but yeah, you know, it was

Valeria:

built for that. And you realize, I mean, you have all this algorithm of everyone have you tried chat, GBT? I'm like, wow, you're still, but you know Yeah. Go back to, to, to, to your practice. For me, I have to go back to meditation. I have to go back to silence.

Chris:

On that of going back to sometimes it's like, we know we should be doing these things. We know we should be meditating, we know we should be writing the three pages a day. But there's days we wake up and we just don't have the drive to do it. What would you do in those days where you didn't want to show up for yourself and actually maybe even had doubt if Ivan was gonna do anything to begin with?'cause I feel like we go through life trying a million things. Most of'em don't work. Yeah.

Valeria:

Trust me. Yes. Been there. I mean, even today I was like, okay, I'm gonna do it. But I had an urge to like, okay, what would vibrate high? And I know we've had such a great connection and do that to shake it up. Mm-hmm. You know, you don't have to, you know, break it up, but don't be all over the place, so,

Chris:

yeah. Yeah.

Valeria:

Be accountable for yourself. You know, do something different. That would spark. Spark. I mean, this spark something, right? Yeah. Come on, look. Which has happened. So

Chris:

I mean, this is like super serendipitous. Yeah. So, a final question, is there anything you wanna share or anything that younger you needs to know

Valeria:

keep doing the work. It's nonstop. Take breaks, but keep doing the work in every aspect. And play, have, play, maybe work, maybe ceremonial. And surround yourself with the people that you vibrate with.

Chris:

cause that will keep you moving. Uh, some great advice. Yeah. Yeah. That's some great advice. Wow. What a magical, serendipitous encounter. Deborah.

Valeria:

Stay curious.