Coffee Unlimited with J&D

Pour a cup and pull up a chair—this is your space to exhale, laugh, and learn with two friends who keep it real. Join Janelle and Danielle each week for warm, grounded conversations about life, growth, and all the magic that happens in between. Whether we’re diving deep or keeping it light, this is your permission to pause, reflect, and sip on what really matters. Coffee’s on. You in?

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Coffee Unlimited with J&D

Motherhood: Lowering the Bar

July 02, 2025 • Janelle and Danielle • Season 1 • Episode 2

This week on Coffee Unlimited with J&D, Janelle and Danielle dive into the honest reality of motherhood—and why lowering the bar just might be the secret to more joy, peace, and presence.

From bathrobes at school drop-off to ski pants as brunch wear, the pressure to be the “perfect mom” is real—and exhausting. The conversation explores where these expectations come from, how to let them go, and what happens when we finally give ourselves (and each other) grace.

Janelle and Danielle get real about body image, lunchbox stress, and letting go of appearances—while still showing up for the moments that matter most. This one’s for every parent who needs to hear: you’re doing better than you think.

In this episode:

Releasing perfectionism and redefining "good enough"
How to stop tying self-worth to how clean your house is or how well you pack lunches
The emotional rollercoaster of postpartum body image
Parenting from presence, not pressure
Tips for embracing grace—plus practical strategies that actually work

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome to Coffee Unlimited with J&D. Janelle and with my co-host Danielle. Today we're going to be talking about lowering the bar of motherhood. Danielle and I both have kids and we've both experienced the pressure of being perfect, you know, or being this version of a mother that I don't know if it's society and it places on us or maybe we We think that's how it should be or we compare ourselves. So we're going to kind of dive into this a bit about where do these expectations come from and how can we... truly like make it normal to lower the bar. And I know that sounds bad, but I think Danielle and I have both have found places where we can be more, you know, a little more graceful to ourselves and lower our expectations and everything has been fine and everybody wins in that case, I think. So we're going to talk about that today. But before we jump into it, Danielle, I'm curious, what's important to you this week? What have you been focused on?

SPEAKER_02: 1:23

Thanks for asking that, Janelle. Well, I'm really excited about this conversation. And something that's been on my mind this past week is prepping for my retreat in Mexico. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's coming up. I have people who have been coming every year. So I want to make sure that it's not copy and paste content, that the activities are different. And every retreat I do, there's a focus. So this focus is going to be on the kleshas, which are Patanjali's yoga sutras about the five causes of suffering. And I know it sounds heavy. It's like, we're going to talk about suffering. But I thought in Mexico, yeah, in Mexico, on the beach. But what I like to do is look at the opposite. Like, okay, we can do that work of going through the ego and detachment and fear. But what is the byproduct of working through that? So each day, we're focusing on something like the first day's presence and then like the last day's awareness. So we're not going to be going like, okay, today we're going to detach from the ego. We will be working on that, but with the outcome of awareness or spirit or acceptance. So that's what I've been working on this week.

SPEAKER_00: 2:58

Oh, good. That's amazing. And how many, how long until you head out for your retreat? treat.

SPEAKER_02: 3:04

We are, the retreat starts May 10th. I always arrive one or two days earlier just because I don't want to be, you know, going through customs and doing all that travel and unpacking while I'm also receiving the group. So Scott and I will come down, we'll head down a day earlier so I can be rested. And then when everybody arrives, it's like

SPEAKER_00: 3:26

ready. Oh, and do your kids, do your kids join you on your retreat sometimes?

SPEAKER_02: 3:31

Yes, they do. Blanca has been coming to almost all of Wow.

SPEAKER_00: 3:42

Fair enough. You know, there's a point, there's a, there's a time in your life where you can eat anything you want. And I do think that you need to grab onto it and enjoy it while you can, because I had, I had a really good mentor when I was in my early twenties. She was actually my hula instructor, my hula teacher. She, I used to eat I mean, I still eat pretty badly, but I ate really badly in my early 20s. And she used to always tell me, she's like, she'd say, Janelle, enjoy it now while you can, because when you hit 28, everything changes. And I don't know why it was 28, but she always said, when you hit 28, you got to start eating better. And by golly, if she wasn't right. So I think good on Blanca, like eat whatever you want to eat. Don't do those healthy retreats right now. And you can do that later in life. I

SPEAKER_02: 4:40

know. She's like, I don't need this like vegetable and protein, local foods and juices. I just want like, she would want, she was craving like sashimi. Well, I mean, it was still pretty healthy when she was craving, but she was like, I just want a salmon maki. And I'm like, you're not going to get that here. We're in Mexico. Like on this, I like this like little, little beach, private beach. There's no salmon maki. Okay.

UNKNOWN: 5:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 5:09

Well, I like that she is saying what she wants and expressing that and doing what she wants to do. Good for her. Good for her. Yeah. Well, that's great. Thanks for sharing, Danielle. Let's. talk about our topic for today. And that is about lowering the bar of motherhood. I mean, we're kind of talking about that with healthy foods right now. I think that we constantly eat what they want.

SPEAKER_02: 5:35

You and I constantly talk about lowering the bar with motherhood, right? I

SPEAKER_00: 5:42

mean, lowering the bar in a lot of things. Our apparel, we're like, we just wear sweats today. Yeah, let's just wear sweats. Sweats all

SPEAKER_02: 5:51

day long. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 5:55

that's right. only lead to at some point being disappointed or resentful or something. There's a negative experience on that path. And so I think the earlier that we all can really break down perfectionism the happier we can be or the happier we will be. So we joke about this because it's funny and people don't usually admit that they're trying to lower the bar or lower expectations. But there's a, there's a method to the madness. I think, you know, what, what we're doing is creating more grace, creating space for joy and happiness and imperfection. Because if you're seeking perfection, you're, you're just going to be stressed and, and disappointed. So, um, Let's talk about motherhood because it's real for us. Your kids are out of the house now in terms of their age. My kids are kind of high school, middle school age. When do you think you will kind of take me through your journey of motherhood? And did you feel early on pressure to be good at it all and to have high expectations on yourself? And when did that change?

SPEAKER_02: 7:46

No, I think it started just even being a woman and being pregnant. Like just with our culture, our society, we're seeing pregnant women wear heels, doing their hair and all this. So there was this kind of like bar for me to look presentable.

SPEAKER_01: 8:08

It's

SPEAKER_02: 8:09

always kind of in the background. Yeah. Like, okay, am I looking cute enough? Do I have like the right maternity clothes or this and that? And I remember just showing up one day when I drove the girls to school in my bathrobe. We've all been there. We've all hit that point. I was like, F this. I need to get them to school. And I actually needed to get out too. So it wasn't just that I was in my car. I got out and I was walking around. Presentable. Presentable. Presenting yourself unpresentable. Exactly. In my brown fleece Costco robe. Which I still have and still wear daily. But yet I just thought I'm going to just walk around like this. Like, okay, I don't have my act together moms.

SPEAKER_01: 9:09

Like I am

SPEAKER_02: 9:09

just barely keeping it together

SPEAKER_01: 9:11

here.

SPEAKER_02: 9:12

When our girls were young at that time, my mother was going through cancer too. So I really felt this kind of like sandwich generation of caring for our two children and And then caring for my mother and also having a full-time job. So that was when I had just started at Lululemon. So high growth, especially when you start a new job, it's all about like, well, it was for me about, I want to prove my worth and all of that. So I was going quote unquote above and beyond that. and trying to do that in all areas of my life.

SPEAKER_01: 9:48

And

SPEAKER_02: 9:50

it was just like, this isn't working. It's time for the bathrobe and who cares what other people think.

SPEAKER_00: 9:55

Yeah. Well, like I said, we all hit the point because it's unsustainable when you have so many different hats that you wear as a human being and, and going through, you know, a sick, You know, parent is is a lot, you know, emotionally and from a time perspective and whatnot in your attention and your focus. And so you really can't be everywhere and you can't do everything. And and so so we hit that point. Now, I have a question for you, though, because I remember when I hit the point, but it wasn't that I accepted lowering the standards. I actually was mad at myself. I felt like I failed. Mine was in a bathrobe. I wasn't taking the kids. Yeah. Carl was home so he could watch her and I was heading out and I just couldn't find anything that fit, that felt good. You know, like pants, specifically pants. Oh yeah. And this is, it was June and I was heading out to Starbucks and it was a warm day and I walked out with ski pants on because literally the only thing that could get that could fit me that was clean, too. That was the thing that was clean and fit me were these ski pants. And so I was like sloshing like through the house. And I remember Carl being like, what's that? You know, what's going on? And I was like,

SPEAKER_02: 11:41

the muumuu.

SPEAKER_00: 11:42

Where's the muumuu when we need it? Right. That needs to get back in style. And I remember telling Carl, I'm like, don't ask. It's the only thing that fits. And I slammed the door like behind me and I drove off like sweating one because I was wearing ski pants and it was hot, but two, like I was just so worked up and mad because I'd been shuffling through my drawers and I'm like, I'm putting on the ski pants. I don't care. And, and I remember when that happened, but I didn't have that moment of, you know what, I'm going to give myself grace. I'm going to lower, you know, it's, it's, I'm putting too much pressure on myself to look good right now and to, and to, you know, find something that fits perfectly and my body's changing all that. No, I was actually really frustrated. And probably the reason that story sticks in my head so much was it was so unpleasant. You know, I was so frustrated with my body at the time. And, you know, this, I remember I was also frustrated with this sense that I had like only 30 minutes before I needed to come home and feed Sophia because I was breastfeeding. So I'm curious when you say you hit that point and you were wearing the robe, did you continue to give yourself grace and be like, you know what, this is okay. I can go out like this. Or did you try to make appearances again and look good again?

SPEAKER_02: 13:06

I gave up on trying to look good a long time ago. amen i remember was like with the girls so this is gonna be maybe totally unfiltered coffee unlimited conversations here but how my breasts completely deflated after gabby after my second oh

SPEAKER_00: 13:29

my gosh same same it was after the second it was like something out of national geographic yeah well

SPEAKER_02: 13:35

yeah

SPEAKER_00: 13:36

It was like a gorilla in National Geographic. They were just sagging in like the weirdest shape. So

SPEAKER_02: 13:45

it was actually that time. That's when I was teaching and I wasn't teaching yoga. Well, no, I actually was just starting to teach yoga, but I was teaching yoga at fitness studios. So all these other moms were coming in with implants. They were looking cute and all this. So I actually went to see a plastic surgeon. Okay. I started to say, okay, I'm thinking about getting breast implants. walk me through the process. So she started telling me what the process was. And while this doctor was talking to me, I was thinking to myself, wait a second, hold on. I'm paying you to cut me for pathetic reasons. I'm like, what the F is going on with me? So like back up. I was like, oh no, I can't do this. That's when I really started to get into yoga because So my first teacher training was all about the physical, but then I started to really learn about the more mindful aspects of the practice and get into more of the spirituality. And it's all about letting go of this body, right? I mean, caring for the physical body for sure, but not having this like absolute attachment to the body because our bodies are constantly changing. If we look at a photo of ourselves as infants, We're like, oh my gosh, that's me. That's Janelle as a baby. Clearly, you are not that same body. I really feel like the practice of yoga from a spiritual perspective really supported me. in not being as attached to what I look like.

SPEAKER_01: 15:23

And

SPEAKER_02: 15:24

also the realization too, that I have two daughters. So what am I going to say to them? Like looks don't matter, but in my case, they kind of do. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 15:36

that's the thing. So a couple of things for me, when I was listening to you, I wish, I think, you know, I wish we all could have the, or take the time or have the opportunity to work on that, that mindset that you're talking about that you develop around not attaching to the body and, and what it looks like. And, and because there's so, so much unhealthy talk out there about bodies and unhealthy mindsets about our bodies. And I'm still working on it. You know, I like to consider myself someone that is evolved in that sense. And I'm not attached to what my body looks like. And I recognize that 20 year old Janelle is not the same as 45 year old Janelle or 60 year old Janelle or 70 year old Janelle. Like, um, Intellectually, I know that. But that ego is so strong. The ego is so strong and wants to, for me, wants to constantly reminisce about the past and what I used to look like. And I know it's unhealthy. I totally know it's unhealthy, but I have my ups and downs with it. There are moments where I'm really, really centered and grounded and grounded in who I am as a soul. and not as the body. And then there are times when it's not, I'm not there. And I don't, you know, I probably should try to figure out what the correlation is. Like I'm curious if when I'm more tired and if there is a correlation to like my ego takes over or my subconscious mind takes over and these negative thoughts start creeping in or if it's something else, if it's when I'm scrolling on Instagram you know, social media, if that triggers it, you know, I'm not, I'm not sure what it is. Um, but I think, you know, many people struggle with it. So it's one of those things as, as moms that have, um, bodies that have changed quite drastically in our national geographic way. Um, How do we that's a really good one to lower expectations on we should all be open to lowering our expectations on you know what our bodies, how our bodies age. Truly. Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 18:12

I mean, I do want to just say that I don't feel like, I mean, I'm still working on this too, Janelle. I get into that space of comparison and my muffin top and actually in the yoga scene, when I open up my Instagram and I'm seeing all these 28 year old size twos doing these inversions and they look amazing in their, in their tight clothes. But that's why I think having some boundaries with, with Instagram or anything else and making sure that I've, I'm well rested, fed, I'm not hangry or anything like that before I start looking at these things.

UNKNOWN: 18:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 18:57

And just wearing four-way stretch. I mean, you know, I got it. Four-way stretch is a game changer. Yeah. Like it's pretty comfortable wearing, wearing all this athletic.

SPEAKER_00: 19:09

It's comfortable and kind of keeps some things in, you know, so that's kind of nice. Yeah. I, so I have though had, even though early on, I felt like a failure in many ways. And I was not meeting the bar. I had a high bar, wasn't meeting it, was disappointed in myself constantly. I did reach a point though, where I started to intentionally lower expectations on myself, on the house, you know, like how clean the house is, things like that.

SPEAKER_02: 19:44

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00: 19:45

Yeah. Lowering expectations on getting places on time. There was a number of things that I started to be more lenient about or like kind of like that don't sweat the small stuff kind of mentality. And I was successful in like intentionally doing it and sticking with it. And one of the areas that I've really lowered the bar is my kids lunches.

SPEAKER_01: 20:09

SPEAKER_00: 20:09

I actually learned this from my boss at Vancity. She taught me this about her own kids' lunches and I adopted it and I'm thrilled about it because I used to totally sweat over the kids' lunches because the school that the kids go to, there's no hot lunch. So you have to pack a cold lunch every single day. And I'm just at a loss for creativity around healthy lunches, probably because I don't eat that healthy myself, as healthy as I should. And, you know, with school lunches, you have to avoid nuts and strawberries and a variety of things you have to avoid. Well, and you also have three kids. So I just have to hand it to you, Janelle. Three lunches. three lunches. And it was just kind of this, the bane of my existence was making these immaculate, fun lunches for them that would keep them excited. And, you know, because they were comparing their lunches to other lunches. So I felt like I needed to like have an A game of lunches. You know what, though? I don't. And so what I do is I actually don't make their lunches at all. I keep the pantry stocked with nut-free packaged things. So I'm not against packaged products. But what I also have are, I always have fruit available in the house and I always have vegetables cut. So like pre-cut cucumbers, all my kids love cucumber. So pre-cut cucumber, carrots, peppers, like red bell peppers, orange bell peppers. Sometimes there's celery cut. They don't eat the celery as much. So I find if I have that, that goes to waste. So I try to just do things I know they'll eat.

SPEAKER_01: 21:53

And

SPEAKER_00: 21:54

they know that they have to grab some vegetables and some fruit. And then after that, as much packaged stuff as they want, granola bars, chips, anything. Because what my boss had told me, she's like, I make sure they eat a good breakfast. The lunch, it just needs to get them enough energy to get through the day so that then we have a good dinner. So when I started to realize, yeah, like, The lunch itself doesn't have to be perfect because there's two other meals that we have a little bit more control over. And that has been... life changing for me because I don't worry about it anymore. I'm not overthinking it of like, Oh, do they have protein? And do they have this? And do they have that? You know, we'll just make sure they get some good protein at dinner. And everyone's happy because they pick out the stuff they want half the time. They didn't like what I put in there anyway. And it would come back at the end of the day, which then would just make me even more angry because I spent so much time preparing it. So that's something I've lowered. School lunches. Lowered the bar. And I haven't looked back. And they're perfectly fine. That's such a creative solution. They're thriving.

SPEAKER_02: 23:10

I love that too. Cause then they have the autonomy to choose what they want with some boundaries of like, you've got to have these vegetables and fruit and then you can choose all your packing.

SPEAKER_00: 23:22

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good. What about you? Do you have any, um, success stories on lowering the bar or how, how have you lowered the bar for yourself?

SPEAKER_02: 23:32

Well, when you were saying like, okay, good breakfast and good dinner, I thought, Oh, I'm not sure if, if If I had either of those breakfast or good dinner, I mean, dinners, dinners were like, I mean, this is where I would cut cucumbers and have like miso with sesame oil. And it's like, okay, girls, we're going to have this and some popcorn. Right. So there were a lot of nights like that too, or just picking up food because they, when they were younger, they were always in ballet.

UNKNOWN: 24:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 24:08

They're in ballet almost every day. And there was this great congee place in Vancouver. So I would just pick something up there. And I think for me, it was really about trying not to compare how I was doing with other moms. Because I told you about that one mom who was making a roast on a Tuesday night, who also had a full-time job too. So it made me feel even worse about that. I was like, how is she able to do this? But I'm not.

SPEAKER_01: 24:39

But

SPEAKER_02: 24:40

yeah, I really lowered the expectation there, lowered the bar on all meals.

SPEAKER_00: 24:46

Well, that's great. You know, and when I say a good dinner or a good breakfast, that's, I guess I should clarify, I'm not... cooking a three course meal. I'm not cooking. I don't cook at all. I don't actually cook. My husband cooks. If he's not here, then it's whatever's in the fridge or whatever's in the pantry. And it's totally fine. I do think that it's, we have to realize that our kids will be okay. You know, most, you know, for the most part, um, they're getting what they need and this is a, you know, a period of their life. Um, so yeah, I like that. And for breakfast, um, you know, our go-to is actually making oatmeal, like just from oats. Um, cause we used to always have the packaged oatmeal, the little packets, but I realized it actually was super easy just to make the oats in a pan. And then we add our own maple syrup to it and some brown sugar and they love that. And I think, um, oatmeal is a, is a really good breakfast. We always have, always have yogurt available and granola because the kids love that. So that's an easy breakfast that they have with some fruit in it, but nothing like we're not cooking pancakes and bacon and stuff like that. It's just simple, but you know, yeah. kind of as balanced as possible.

SPEAKER_01: 26:04

Now,

SPEAKER_02: 26:06

if we think about like where we got, I mean, I know with society too, but this comparison and perfectionism, I'm curious to know what was your mom like? Was she like, you know, making all your meals and how was it like for you growing up?

SPEAKER_00: 26:23

Yeah. So, um, My mom worked. She was a teacher. And so in the summer, she was home with us. But, you know, in the weekdays, she was working during the day. We had a lot of like Schwann's meals, you know, like the Schwann's man that delivered frozen meats and stuff like that. And we had kind of we were totally exhausted. good eating in front of the TV. It was very casual is what I would say and not very strict. And, and I don't, you know, I think I thought it was great. When I was growing up, we didn't sit around a dinner table every night. Like I think some families, particularly in that era, you know, when we were kids, I think there were, you know, probably more than today, families that sat down at the dinner table every single night and, you know, there was the cooked meal. We didn't have that. So I would say no. that reflects in how I approach dinner too. Like you, I'm perfectly fine just cutting up a variety of vegetables and just getting out some leftovers or even like some instant ramen and that's fine for dinner. Like I don't have high expectations about cooking a meal and I don't like to cook. I didn't learn to cook from my mom and I'm not trying to pass any family recipes down. So yeah, where I do, used to compare myself to my mom a lot was my mom had our, our house was always very tidy and clutter free. Um, and I don't, I honestly don't know when she did it. Like, cause we didn't have someone clean our house, you know? Um, Somehow she did it and I didn't notice. I don't know. But the house is always very clean and tidy. And so that's like I am not able to keep a clean house. It's just not my strength. So when our house was messy, I would get frustrated. And I believe my frustration came from this like these visions of my own. childhood being tidy. And then when I would look at our house, I would feel like a failure. Like I'd feel like, why can't I do this? What is going on here? Is it that my kids don't respect me when I tell them to pick up their things? And my mom was able to get my respect. Like, what was it? But I used to get pretty frustrated. And that's an area where I have learned to let go of that. Like the house doesn't have to be perfect and tidy all the time. And if someone comes over, I'm okay with them seeing the house untidy. Like I'm not one to be scrambling to clean the house and make it tidy. I mean, I'll pick some stuff up that's easy, but I'm not going to... stop someone from coming over because i feel like the house isn't tidy enough because i just don't think it reflects on who i am like it's not my identity and it doesn't it doesn't reflect my worth um but somehow we we believe that right like some somewhere along the way And I do think social media plays a big part of it. You know, I don't know. You know, our parents didn't have social media, so I don't know what was going through my mom's mind when I was a kid. I don't know if she was comparing herself to others or if she had high expectations on herself or if she was just doing what her mom did. I'm not really sure. But what I do know is if we're ever beating ourselves up about anything, that's not... that's not good. Like we shouldn't, we shouldn't be beating ourselves up. Like we're not bad people. So, you know, we're not harming people. We're not, we're not bad individuals. So we shouldn't be beating ourselves up. And so anytime I find myself talking down to myself or being disappointed in myself, to me, that's a cue that I need to let go of some sort of expectation that I've made up in my mind.

SPEAKER_02: 30:37

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is the goal, just to be content. And I think that, you know, making sure there are no crumbs or the... Sheets are ironed. I have never ironed a sheet. I don't,

SPEAKER_00: 31:22

I don't own an iron. If I need to get wrinkles out of anything, I throw it in the dryer for a little bit. We literally don't have an iron in our house.

SPEAKER_02: 31:35

Anytime I've had to iron something. I mean, it's probably only been a couple of times.

SPEAKER_01: 31:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 31:40

like some speaking engagement or something, Scott will iron the shirt for me. I'm like, thank you. Because I don't know how to iron. But yeah, it's just like lowering the bar and being okay with it. Crumbs are okay. Okay, if the floors are not absolutely perfect.

SPEAKER_00: 31:59

Yeah, because at the end of the day, it's all about giving grace to ourselves and to other moms out there, you know, not projecting on others and making others feel less than, you know, if, if something, if their kid is late, if they show up late to school, you know, cause you know, I always think about that. Like, like my kid, I drive my two younger kids to school and they're late sometimes and they get in trouble by their teacher. And I always think to myself, like, why get mad at the kid? It clearly wasn't their fault. Like I drove.

UNKNOWN: 32:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 32:32

I'm the one who's late. But okay. But yeah, I remember when our kids were little, there was this other mom that was always like, speeding through and dropping her kids off late, you know, and I remember like, there was a moment where I was like, oh, there's so and so again late. And now I'm like, shame on me, you know, like, Because now I know what it's like and we need to give each other grace more and not judge others if they're going through some hard stuff and they can't do it all. They can't get their kids out the door on time because they've got a million other things that they're responsible for.

SPEAKER_02: 33:15

That is the hardest thing. I remember getting the kids out the door on time was just one of the most stressful activities of the day because they're like, they're kind of like puppies where there's no concept of time. Like, no, we need to hurry. Like school starts at this time. My first meeting is at this time, but it's like, no, no. What should I wear? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 33:42

What was it this morning? Oh yeah. My oldest couldn't find her shoes. So that was a whole thing and never did find them. So who knows where they are, but that was looking for quite a while and settled for another pair. But yeah, but it's okay. You know, what, it's not, it's not going to harm them as individuals at all. Um, we got to stop this perfectionism.

SPEAKER_02: 34:07

Oh yeah. If there's anything that you would want the younger version of Janelle, young mom version of Janelle to know, what would it be?

SPEAKER_00: 34:23

Yeah. Um, I think what I've learned as I got older was that it's okay that my purpose as a human is not about my kids. Meaning, I think when I was first having kids, like you said, I have three. I don't know if it was self-inflicted. There was something in me that felt... The pressure to devote myself to the kids and that my purpose in life was like fulfilled with these kids, you know, and my identity was now a mother. And that was the most important role I had. And what I've. learned is that it is a role that I have. I chose to have kids and I have kids. My purpose isn't kids. I could be just as whole and fulfilled if I didn't have any kids as a human. It doesn't take away from anyone if they don't have kids. And it's just an aspect of who I am now that I have kids. But what I think my role as a mom is to teach these, teach our kids how to find joy in life and how to navigate challenges, um, that they will face and have some resilience. Um, because I think childhood is, it is a perfect sandbox for going through a sense of belonging and a sense of not belonging. All these things that we navigate as adults as well. And I know it feels like the end all be all when you're a child, because you're emotional, you're still growing your emotional ability. But the beauty of being a child is, you have some adult figure in your life. Maybe it's your grandparents. Maybe it's your parents. Maybe it's one parent. Maybe it's two. Maybe it's multiple parents. But there are adult figures in your life that can help you think through what happened and talk through what happened. And so... I always want to be there to be able to navigate with the kids, the things they're going through and to talk through those things to help them always find joy and to give themselves grace. So I make it a priority. When I say I'm prioritizing family at any given time, that's what I'm prioritizing. I'm prioritizing my attention and my presence with them to help them navigate something and to help them navigate life because they will be adults eventually and they will navigate it on their own when they're older. So, it's, so I think as my younger self, it wasn't to make sure that the kids, you know, my, my job wasn't to make sure the kids had the best schooling and, you know, all the best things and that my purpose is through them, which is kind of how I approached it early on. No, my purpose is to navigate life with them. And as they go through all the different stages of a child, infant toddler, you know, going to school for the first time, you know, having friends and relationships and, you know, failed tests, you know, getting a bad grade, all these things that feel are new for them and feel heavy and are hard and difficult. I'm just helping them make sense of it. and navigate it. And that's all. So that's, I think, and I've learned that later in life. So there are times when I prioritize them, like I'm prioritizing them, but it's not because my identity is a mother, you know? Yeah. I

SPEAKER_02: 38:18

love that navigating life with them.

SPEAKER_00: 38:21

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? What would you give? What advice would you give younger Danielle? I feel

SPEAKER_02: 38:34

like I was really stressed out for the first several years of their lives.

SPEAKER_01: 38:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 38:41

So that's probably, yeah. Giving myself grace, be late, be okay with the mess.

UNKNOWN: 38:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 38:50

Because

SPEAKER_02: 38:51

like you said, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. At the end of the day, it's about the relationships that we have with them. And that's not about whether, you know, the house is cleaned or I had lunch or anything. I mean, you know, baseline, they were fed. Not always the best food. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00: 39:14

It's okay. It's okay if they have a bowl of goldfish crackers, you know? That could be dinner one night. One night of goldfish is not going to hurt them.

SPEAKER_02: 39:24

Exactly. Or using the TV as a babysitter. I know moms who beat themselves up about, like, I'm using the TV. It's like, you got to take care of yourself in a shower. Do what works. Yeah. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 39:41

SPEAKER_02: 39:43

think it's that about being okay with not being perfect, not striving, just letting go of the striving for perfectionism.

SPEAKER_00: 39:52

Oh, I love it. I love it because when we I can go back to this and you strive for perfection. You're going to get disappointed in yourself and then you get these negative emotions. And then likely what happens is you take it out on your family and they, they then experience it and they have a negative experience. And so, and nobody wants that. That's not what anybody wants. So it's, it's, you have to shift your mindset to be able to be in that space where you don't, you know, get those negative self-talk and, And, you know, taking it out on the rest of the family.

SPEAKER_02: 40:29

SPEAKER_00: 40:30

I love that. Well, thank you so much for this conversation, Danielle. I think it's an important one. I hope a lot of parents out there listen and, and we normalize, you know, lowering the bar and showing grace to ourselves and to others.

SPEAKER_02: 40:47

I just love what you said earlier on about lowering the bar in so many areas of our lives. And so I'm like, maybe this will be a series for us. Lower your bar in your relationship. All the

SPEAKER_00: 40:59

things we can lower the bar

SPEAKER_02: 41:00

on. Thank you, Janelle. And thanks for listening to Coffee Unlimited with J&D. Make sure to follow, subscribe. And if you have a question or you want to talk to us, you can reach out to us on our Instagram channel. And Stay tuned for our next episode on Wednesdays. See you next time.