What I Didn't Know
What I Didn't Know is the unfiltered space where we explore the hard-earned lessons life throws our way - especially the ones no one warned us about. From the quiet ache of grief, the messy magic of motherhood, intrusive thoughts, deep friendships, sex, singlehood, marriage, to pregnancy, we get real about everything in between. Hosted with heart, honesty, and a little humor - this podcast is for anyone who's ever said "Why didn't someone tell me this?"
What I Didn't Know
Motherhood Unfiltered
Have you ever wondered what becoming a mother is truly like—beyond the Instagram filters and carefully curated moments? When I dreamed of motherhood, I pictured myself as a maternal goddess, effortlessly breastfeeding while my heart swelled with unending joy. Reality hit like a hurricane.
After waiting years to become pregnant, navigating fertility challenges with PCOS, and finally welcoming my son via emergency C-section, I discovered motherhood's beautiful chaos. The surprising truth? At three months postpartum, I questioned everything. "I think I made a mistake," I whispered to myself, drowning in sleep deprivation and identity crisis while simultaneously experiencing a love so profound it rewired my entire being.
This raw conversation dives into the messy reality of new motherhood—the breastfeeding struggles no one warns you about, the shocking depth of mother's love, and the complex emotional landscape of postpartum life. I share my journey through baby blues, the stigma surrounding different birth experiences, and how the transformation from independent woman to mother created both loss and rebirth.
Whether you're a mother, hope to become one someday, or simply want to understand this profound life transition better, this episode offers comfort in knowing you're not alone in the struggle. The greatest revelation? Motherhood changed me fundamentally—for the better—even through its hardest moments.
Join me in exploring what I didn't know about becoming a mother, and perhaps discover something about your own journey along the way. And please, if you have motherhood stories to share, reach out on social media—I'd love to hear them.
Hi and welcome to what I Didn't Know, a space for the lessons that caught us by surprise. I'm your host, senia, and I'm inviting you to sit with me in the messy, magical things about life, where we talk about grief, motherhood, healing, identity and everything in between. This is not about having all the answers. It's about honoring the questions. So grab a cafecito or something to drink, take a deep breath and let's get into it. Hi and welcome to what I didn't know. This is my second episode. This is senia. I am so glad you're back, I'm so glad you're here to listen and I'm excited to talk about the next episode. I want to talk about this one because this one caught me by surprise. There was so many expectations and I didn't know all the things that I think I know now, but I had to learn the hard way. So in this episode, I'm going to talk to you guys about what I didn't know about motherhood. So if you are a mother, or if you are thinking of becoming a mother, or if you're wishing about becoming a mother, or if you don't want to be a mother, here's some things that I learned along the way. So let's get started. Let me tell you a little bit about my motherhood journey because I think it's important, right? So I am an old mother.
Speaker 1:I grew up in a, in a, I think, a fairly big family. Like I said before, I am an only girl of five, but I have four brothers, so yeah, um, there's we're, we're, we're a big family, I would say. I grew up really attached to my, my family. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. That was always a thing like. I just never saw my life without that part of it. So I always dreamt of being a mother. I was always very clear that at one point I would be a mother somehow, some way, whether I could give birth to my own child or maybe foster, or you know, I really longed to be a mother. When I was. I was like you know how you have your, your life goals and you're like, oh yeah, by 25, I would have met the love of my life, which was Ricky Martin. I will talk about Ricky probably in most of my episodes because I love him. So don't judge, he's the best. I love you, ricky, don't tell my husband I said that, well, he knows. Anyway, would be engaged to him by 26, 27. And by 28, 29, we would have babies and you know I was gonna live happily ever after and have like six or seven of his babies, but turns out I'm not his type who would have thought right.
Speaker 1:But to be serious, I really wanted to get married young but I just I was very insecure and I never really did put myself out there. I had a lot of crushes Ricky Martin was the main crush of my life but I dated a few guys here and there. I was just always too scared. I grew up pretty religious so I was also scared of like so many things and I just didn't want to be a single parent and all of the things Right. So I didn't meet my husband till I was 36, 37. And we dated for a year and a half and then we got married and we decided well, well, I had decided that I wanted to have kids and he was kind of iffy about it. But then he was like, if you want kids, I want to have kids with you. And we kind of talked it through and then we were ready. But then we couldn't have kids for a little bit.
Speaker 1:I have something called PCOS and it kind of sometimes makes it difficult for women to get pregnant. So I went to some fertility stuff. I didn't do the IVF or anything like that, I just had to have a simple surgery to remove a polyp and then I was pregnant like within a month and a half after that surgery. And, honestly, this is one of the things that I was just like shocked about when it first happened, because something about me is that I am very emotional, I cry about everything. And I found that I was pregnant and I think I was just shocked. I wasn't sure if it was real. I wasn't, I just wasn't sure about it, so I didn't really tell anybody. I told my husband right away because I wanted him to read the, the pregnancy test and like actually tell me that it was positive. So then I used to work at a health center. So I got there, I was like, hey, I think I'm pregnant and and and I was, I was pregnant.
Speaker 1:And then after that it was a little like difficult because I was having some cramping and spotting and my doctor thought that I was maybe miscarrying the baby, and so I think that didn't allow me to like get super excited about the baby right away and, more than anything, I was just like I had been waiting for so long in my life to have a baby that I just was so kind of like sad about the fact that I might be losing this baby. So I I didn't allow myself to get too excited about it. I did tell some of my family members about it and I was like, just don't tell anyone else because I like if, if I do lose it, I don't want to talk about it and you know, like I don't want to, I don't want to get overly excited about it. And I think in a way I felt kind of sad that I didn't have the opportunity to celebrate the, the joy of like, oh, yay, finally, you know, because I think after that I was just nervous the entire time, like okay, is the baby really gonna stay? Are we? Does he have a heartbeat, like every time? So once we hit about six weeks we were able to see the heartbeat and hear it and so we felt a little bit more comfortable.
Speaker 1:But then there were still, like all these other things. You know I had diabetes and gestational diabetes. It was just kind of hard. I was so lucky I didn't have any symptoms, like I was never sick. I never had any, any, any sicknesses, like I think once I had morning sickness and it was really weird. I didn't know what was happening. And then I remember I was pregnant and I was like, oh, this is what morning sickness feels like, I guess. But I think it was just like once. And I think it was just like once and I think it was because I was dehydrated. Other than that I I never had any sickness.
Speaker 1:And then somebody said to me oh bueno, you the sicker, the mom is the healthier, the baby. So then I think that stayed in my head and then I was just like, oh man, so that means that my baby's probably not going to be healthy. And so I, you know, at that point I was just like, oh, I don't know what to do. So one of the things I learned in this process was to trust my body and to trust that my body knew what it was doing and that, whether we were having a baby or not, my body knew what we needed to do next. So I really did not need to listen to the person that said that to me, because it really did make me really anxious for like a while, because, you know, they know better. At least, I think always think that some other people know better, but you know, every pregnancy is different. And then I found out my mom was never sick with any of us, and I heard that sometimes that's a like a passed down thing, you know.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I then realized that motherhood started when I realized that I was pregnant, because that's when I knew that I was taking care of that baby and I was doing everything in my physical, emotional, power to be in the best of health for this baby, to take care of this baby, to love this baby. I love this baby the minute I knew this baby was in me. And so I was excited and nervous and I couldn't be excited and then I just was nervous all the time, but I knew that I needed to take care of myself to to be able to take care of the baby. And I think that's when I learned that you're a mother, the minute you decide that this is what you want. So I decided, and I tried really hard. I stopped drinking coffee and margaritas and started walking a little more and eating better and just trying to do some meditation and just do all the things that I thought were best for my baby.
Speaker 1:Once I got to to, let's see, I think it was like six and a half months that I got to and I was like, yes, okay, this baby has a heartbeat, this baby can make it like we, we got this. I was more excited. I finally, like gave myself permission to have a baby shower, to, like, you know, tell people and just just be super, super excited about the baby. Uh, we found out he was a boy and I was not excited because I wanted a girl, but then it was. Everybody kept saying how being a boy mom was the best thing on the planet and this and this, and yeah, it really is. I love this little boy. He's perfect. But he did come early. He came at eight months and had a C-section and he was in the NICU for three and a half weeks and he was the biggest baby in the NICU. He was born at nine pounds.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I didn't realize was how emotionally hard it is to be a mother. In my case, it wasn't only because I had a baby in the NICU, but there's just so many changes in your body, in your life. Like I said at the beginning, I was single for a really long time and I was really happy. I was single for a really long time and I was really happy. I'm not saying I'm not happy now, I'm super happy now but you know, I lived. I lived with my mom and I had my own room and I had all the time in the world to do everything I wanted. I love crafting and I crafted and I I just was very selfish with my time and one of the things I learned from the beginning, from motherhood, from pregnancy, was that nope, you are no longer yours. Your time is no longer your time. Like, that baby takes up all your time, even through pregnancy. Uh, you're thinking about the baby. You're taking care of yourself, so take care of the baby. So you I I think I never one of the things it was like nobody ever told me that I I was beginning a life for someone else.
Speaker 1:Like everybody talks about the magic of being a mom and how beautiful it is and it is. I'm not saying it's not, it 100%. Motherhood is amazing and I love it and it has. I love my son and I love being his mother. But motherhood is hard. It's so freaking hard like you have to put so much of who you were as a person on the side and then learn to become somebody else's person and then at one point you have to learn how to be both and learn how to mesh these two people so that you can be happy. Because you cannot, you, you cannot live a happy life just being a mother.
Speaker 1:I 100% believe that if you're just a mother and you forget who you were before you were a mother, you kind of lose something important about yourself. And I I felt that at the beginning of my journey. I remember being three months into it and I was like I think I made a mistake. I don't think this is for me. Like I love my son, but I don't know. This is so hard.
Speaker 1:A newborn stage is so difficult, like oh my gosh, it's so overwhelming and it's just a baby cries. You don't know what the baby wants and there's all these needs and you're not sleeping well and your breasts hurt if you're breastfeeding and if you're not breastfeeding, you're having to warm up milk and, oh my goodness, and the diapers and and, and having to share responsibilities with a partner. Or I cannot even imagine how you single mothers do this. Like I, I'm only a good mother because I have a good husband, that's a good father, otherwise I I don't know that I would be. I honestly don't know. And I have friends that I know that, that I love with all my heart, and and they were single mothers. And I now think about them all the time and I think, oh my gosh, why didn't I help you more? Why wasn't I? How, how could I have been so selfish? I didn't know like I didn't know. So I want to give you a big shout out. If you're a single mother, because this is so big, you guys are doing such an amazing job and you deserve the best. I hope that you get everything you need, all the things you want. If you're a single mother, you, you deserve the world for free.
Speaker 1:But, um, yeah, like I was saying, you know, once I got to those three first three months, it was just rough and I really was like man, I think I made a mistake. I don't think I can make it, but you know, you can't give the baby back and you can't, like you love this baby. So I had to make it and I had to figure it out, and then my husband and I kind of just got in a routine. This is what we're going to do, this is how we're going to do this and you know, babies are so great because once you're in a routine, they change things up on you and they're always just changing things up on you and that's you know. That's that's the way motherhood works. You, you get into a routine, you learn a new routine and you think, yes, we got this. And then it's like oh no, just kidding, I'm teething. Oh no, just kidding. Growing pains, oh no, just kidding, my tummy aches or you know whatever.
Speaker 1:But I did learn that I couldn't sustain have isolated myself from my friends because I didn't know how to. I still don't know. My son is one year old and I still don't know how to be my old self. And this is something I'm learning and this is something that has been really difficult for me. That has been really difficult for me and I think this is something that has been on my mind every day, because I think I love my friends and I have a lot of friends and people that I love to hang out with, but once I had a baby, it was just like I couldn't be that person because I didn't know who I was. I feel like I'm finally getting back in the swing of things and I'm finally like was I. I feel like I'm finally getting back in the swing of things and I'm finally like, oh, hey, I can go hang out with my friends and have dinner with my friends and and baby's gonna be taken care of because my husband's does amazing with him and he's got his grandma that loves out, loves him and looks after after him, and I and I can go places and it's okay and and I'm not a bad mom and I I, you know, I something that has been difficult for me I, from the beginning, from the very beginning, got really good at mom guilt.
Speaker 1:That that's my gift. If I, if I, if he cried a little too much, it's my gift. If he cried a little too much, it's my fault. If he had a little rash, oh my gosh, it was my fault. If this and that, oh, I can't believe it. I'm a terrible mom.
Speaker 1:And negative talk was a thing For the first five months. I think it was just very difficult and I think I was struggling with asking for help. Maybe I still am, but I just didn't know how to say hey, what do I do next? Like what's the next step? And I 100% believe that hormones had so much to do with the changes that I felt and how I saw myself and I think I'm still like kind of just moving forward and trying to reach out to friends. I kind of just been gone and I didn't know. I didn't know motherhood was difficult, motherhood is also beautiful. I just don't want it to be all negative things, but I do want to talk about how hard it is, because I feel like I didn't hear that part of being a mother, like whenever people talk about being a mother and having kids.
Speaker 1:I remember thinking, oh, I had such a difficult time breastfeeding. I really wanted to breastfeed my son but it was so hard for me, I it was painful and he just wasn't latching and I just wasn't producing enough milk and pumping was too hard and, oh my gosh, it was just too much. But breastfeeding was not fun for me. But I remember, like telling my husband I was like when I thought about breastfeeding, I just saw myself walking around naked in this house with my beautiful full breast out while my son fed from me and it was just this magical, just hippie, um, look, just looking, uh, vision in my head that I was just going to be this mother that would just breastfeed. And it is nothing like it and it's so frustrating, but it wasn't nothing like it. But I remember somebody once mentioned, oh, breastfeeding sucks. But that was it. That was the extent of that conversation. I didn't know how bad it sucked, I didn't know how painful it was. And for some women breastfeeding is easy and it just it's natural and they are those women that can walk around with their breasts out and breastfeed their children and it's beautiful and magical and I'm jealous because that's what I wanted for my first time breastfeeding. But that didn't happen and I wish I would have known it was going to be that hard and I wish I would have known it was going to be that disappointing. Because it was disappointing, I really had wanted to, to give my, my son, the best that I could. I tried, pumped for six months and I finally was like nah, this is, I'm done, I'm over it, he's fine with formula, he's a healthy baby, it's gonna be okay. So we went from that to from trying to breastfeed to this. So, yeah, breastfeeding was rough.
Speaker 1:Having a C-section was brutal because that recovery was so lame. I couldn't stay with my son in the NICU because they didn't have a comfortable bed and I had stitches. My body had been cut open to get my son out, so that was painful. And then you hear after that you hear things like, oh well, at least you didn't like push your baby out, blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, I didn't push my baby out, but it got cut out of me.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, and who cares? As long as you give birth and that baby's healthy, who cares if you pushed it out, if you an epidural, if you did a natural, if you had a c-section? Like it doesn't matter, you're still a mom. Like it does not take away from that experience. Please stop telling people that because they had a c-section or they had an epidural, they're not real mothers. Like I have heard that so many times and it is so freaking annoying. I am a mother. I couldn't birth my son the natural way. I had to have an emergency that's always an emergency but it had to have a c-section and and look at that, he's here and he's healthy and I'm so happy. So yeah, um, that can you tell. I'm annoyed by that. When I think that was one of the hardest things to hear for me, that was like oh well, cool, thanks. I don't know why people are so caught up on how you give birth, it just doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to find some articles on like mental health and physical health and all the wonderful things some others go through after giving birth so I do. I did find a couple of things here. It says here mental health and emotional well-being one in seven individuals experience postpartum depression, which is a mood disorder this can develop after the first year of childbirth. Wow, and so then this one. This says that up to 50% of postpartum depression cases remain undiagnosed, often due to stigma and patient's reluctance to disclose symptoms. So I'm pretty sure I did have postpartum depression. I did talk to my doctor about it and she just kept tabs on me a lot. It was just really struggling with emotions and you know just the feelings that I was doing something wrong for my child. So if you just had a baby and you're not feeling like yourself and it's a little more than just being in a funk, I I please urge you to seek help, because it's so, so important for you and for your baby, for your family to to have a healthy mama.
Speaker 1:Physical recovery postpartum recovery duration the postpartum period typically lasts six to eight weeks. This is the amount of time that it takes for the mother's body to return to its pre-pregnant state. I think it takes longer than that, but hey, I'm not an expert. Over a third of women experience long-term health problems after childbirth, including urinary and anal incontinence and postpartum depression or chronic pain. Interesting I had no clue Mental health and fathers. Approximately 10% of new fathers report experiencing symptoms of postpartum depressions, which can affect their emotional well-being and relationships with their children, so I think that's also a really important thing. I am talking about motherhood, but maybe we can talk about fatherhood and maybe do an episode on how fatherhood changes and how it affects men. I think that would be really important to hear that perspective, because if it's hard for me, I know it's hard for my husband. We both loved our alone time and I think one of the most important things that the articles that I found talked about was the baby.
Speaker 1:Baby blues versus postpartum depression is baby blues are. Up to 85 percent of women experience baby blues mood swings, irritability, tearfulness typically within the first few days after childbirth. Symptoms usually resolve within two weeks, so the symptoms usually last a few weeks for baby blues and then postpartum depression. Unlike baby blues, postpartum depression is more severe and persistent, requiring treatment. It can affect both mothers and fathers and may be long-term consequences if left untreated. I think that's a big difference, right?
Speaker 1:So if you're feeling sad after, I think after a few months after having a baby, that might be postpartum depression and not baby blues, and it's important you talk to somebody about it, because there's a lot of things that could go wrong with postpartum depression and I think that's also one of the key things, right? So we don't talk about mental health and all the things that can come with it, and there has been a lot of cases of mothers hurting their children or hurting themselves due to the postpartum depression, and we definitely don't want to be in that category, or you know, we just want to have healthy relationships and healthy bodies and please, please, please. If you feel like you're in need of help and you need to contact somebody, please, please, do so. I'll try to find some information and tag it on on my social media so that it's more accessible to you guys.
Speaker 1:One of the other things I wanted to talk about that was also very, I'm going to say, surprising is that the way you love a little being you and I shouldn't say surprising I don't know what the word is, but I knew I love like. I knew I love my nieces and nephews and I always thought there's no way, there's no way on earth that I could love anything more than I love these little babies. Like there's no way, no, no, no way. And then I, I met my son and it was love at first sight and I will do anything for him. And before I, I remember I used to say I would, I would die for any of my nieces and nephews, I would do anything for them.
Speaker 1:And today I say I want to live for my son, I want to protect him and take care of him and watch him grow and just be there to love him and support him and all the things. And I don't ever want him to get hurt and I will hurt anybody that will hurt him. And all of the above, like it is so amazing that you can love something so little and so much. And gosh, he's, he's a tornado, he just learned to walk and he says no to me, me all the time. He's good at that and he hits me and I'm trying to discipline, but then he'll, he'll come over and he he'll kiss me and he says mama, and he'll give me kisses and god, I melt and gosh like how, how, how are these babies so perfect and so wonderful? And, oh my gosh. So yeah, I, I guess I knew that I would. I would love him.
Speaker 1:I just didn't know what love like this felt, and it was surprising, and it was, and it has been amazing, and, and it has, and it was, and it has been amazing, and and it has, and it's everything and and and I. I wish love like this on everyone that wants it. I wish that if, if you long to be a mother, if you want a baby, and and, and that's what your lifelong dream is I, I wish that that dream comes true for you, and I'm putting it in the universe and I'm closing my eyes and sending it to you so that you can receive it. I know that motherhood is such an important job, because it is a job, but it's such an important part of humanity and who we are as people an important part of humanity and who we are as as people, and and I wish other people understood the importance that mothers have, the women have in this world, and and and how amazing our bodies are, and I think one of the things that I have learned as well about motherhood is what an amazing vessel of a body we have, right, that we are able to carry a little life in our bodies for, in my case, eight months, and birth it and feed it from our bodies, and how amazing it is that we are able to bring these lives into our world and to bring them out and teach them and love them, and I hope we're teaching them good things. But I think that was one of the things that was very amazing to me about being a mom, or has been very amazing about being a mom that that I had the opportunity to carry a baby and, um, that my body was able to go through it and that that was. That has been pretty cool and I I want to say how important and how beautiful that is. But I also want to say how important and how beautiful it is that there are women in this world that are adoptive and foster mamas that take care of those babies that are in situations where they need them, and I know that there are a lot of women out there that are longing to carry a baby in their bodies and are not able to, and I don't know how that works or why it works that way. But I want to say that even when a baby is not carried, you're still a mother, and even if you carried a baby and the baby is in heaven, you're a mother and I know that you're a good mother and I'm grateful to all mothers.
Speaker 1:And what I didn't know about motherhood was that it would change me for the better and it would make me a better person and it would make me a better human and it would make me understand life a little different. I didn't know that being a mother could change who you were and in my case, I feel like today I am a much better person. I care about the world and more important things and then the silly things I used to care about before, and I think it's because I want a better world for my son and I hope I can in a way, maybe with this podcast, help him create a better world and help him have something that's better than what we have now. So I know that being a mother has, like I said, changed me for good and there's a lot of things that there I could. I could make a whole podcast season on all the things that I've learned about being a mother, but I think just learning to love more deeply has has been one of the big ones, and I want to leave you guys with that and I'm so glad you joined me for this one second episode, yay, so I will be back for a third episode.
Speaker 1:Uh, I don't know what we're gonna talk about yet, but it's gonna be something good. I'm so I will be back for a third episode. I don't know what we're going to talk about yet, but it's going to be something good. I'm going to try to get some guests in here so it's not just me talking at you and we can have some fun. And also, I want to thank you for listening, because I am so excited about this podcast. I'm so excited to be back talking to you guys and I'm excited to just kind podcast.
Speaker 1:I'm so excited to be back talking to you guys and I'm excited to just kind of put myself out there again, do something other than mothering my beautiful baby, but doing what I love, which is telling stories and, you know, doing podcasts. So if you want to share something you learned about being a mother, I would love to hear it. Please, please, please, um, come to social media, which I will tag on the episode. Um, please tell me your beautiful and horror stories about motherhood, because I would love to hear them. And yeah, thank you so much for listening. I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope you get all the things you want and deserve, and please be kind to one another. Thank you for listening. I love you guys. Bye. Thanks for spending time with me. If today's episode sparked something in you, I'd love to hear about it and remember there's wisdom in what we didn't know. Until next time, take care of your heart. I love you. Bye.
