A Woman's Power "Unfiltered" With Victoria E Strange

Nice Girls Finish Last: Trading Politeness for Authenticity

• Victoria E Strange • Season 1 • Episode 6

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The conditioning to "be nice" might seem harmless but actually costs us opportunities, time, energy, and self-respect while rarely earning genuine respect from others.

• Niceness is different from kindness - it's about smoothing your edges so others feel comfortable
• Being nice teaches people how little you expect in return
• Nice is a performance while kindness has a backbone
• Kindness can say no without guilt and speak truth without apology
• When you stop being nice, people who only valued your compliance fade away
• The people who respect you start listening more closely when you're authentic
• You feel lighter when you stop performing niceness
• Try saying no to something without adding excuses - just "No thank you, that doesn't work for me"

Share this episode with another woman who's ready to upgrade from nice to kindness. Follow A Woman's Power Unfiltered wherever you listen to podcasts.


Speaker 1:

Hello everyone. It's Victoria here and welcome back to another episode of A Woman's Power Unfiltered. So just wanted to start this episode off with a massive thank you. A Woman's Power Unfiltered podcast has now been going for around six weeks. I think it is Well put it this way. We actually started July 1st, I think it was. So, yeah, it's around six weeks and, honestly, I cannot even tell you I have had the most amazing feedback and, putting it out there, this podcast was not planned.

Speaker 1:

This was not something that I was planning to do. It was always at the back of my mind that it was something that I might want to do, but I guess it was a time thing. And then I actually decided on a whim. I didn't even have a strategy behind it and, as a lot of you know, I'm a business strategist, so I do have strategies for a lot of things. But this was right, I'm gonna do it, and that was it. Literally the day that I decided I was doing it, I put out the first step and it was one of the best decisions that I made, because I am getting messages from people saying this is really helping me. This is resonating and, honestly, even if this helps one person. It's worth it. So I just wanted to say thank you, and if you are not following the podcast, follow it, because then you will get the apps drop into your notifications when they fall on a Monday. So let's dive straight in Now.

Speaker 1:

Today we are going to be talking about something that I think most of us have been told, and that is to be nice. I don't even like that word. I just don't. Maybe I'm a little bit of a cynic and, being honest, when I meet someone and they're overly nice, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but actually I think, well, are you really that nice? Because I just think you know certain people you can meet and they're so nice that you're just like. It's not real, but that might be me, that could be me. Not real, but that might be me, that could be me. I'd like to hedge my bets. It's not, though.

Speaker 1:

So from the time that I think we were probably small, it's been drilled into a lot of us and I know this by having certain conversations to be polite, smile, don't upset anyone, speak when you're spoken to and kind of shrink into the background. And for me personally, this didn't really come from my parents, but it definitely did come from a set of grandparents who just had the. Uh, the thing of kids should be maybe seen but not heard. You know very old fashioned and you know, sure, kindness matters, ok. So I just I want to put it out there. I am not saying that kindness doesn't matter, because of course it does.

Speaker 1:

But nice, that's different. Nice is when you smooth your edges so that you know other people feel comfortable. And here's the truth it's actually costing you. So nice can actually become a little bit of a trap. When nice is your default setting, you say yes when actually you just want to say no. You apologize for things that are not your fault. You put everyone else's comfort above your own. I mean, who's done that? I know that I definitely have and after a while you stop recognizing yourself because the nice thing, it isn't about you, it is about how other people feel around you.

Speaker 1:

The problem is, you know, being nice doesn't actually protect you. It doesn't mean people are going to respect you, absolutely not what. You're, just going to be really nice to everyone. They are not going to respect you for that. In fact it often does the opposite, because when you make it clear your bends, people stop asking whether you should, and then you're left with a quiet resentment building and bubbling under the surface.

Speaker 1:

So think about what I've said. Does this resonate with you? Does any of that resonate? Are you sitting there at the moment going, oh yeah, it does make sense actually.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, why are we conditioned to be nice? Why is that? Because we learn it young. We see adults praising the good girl who doesn't make the waves, the one who sits and just sits in the corner, doesn't say anything. We get rewarded for staying quiet in meetings, for letting others take the credit for keeping our tone pleasant, even when actually we've got something to say.

Speaker 1:

It's not that kindness is wrong. Kindness is actually very, very powerful, but niceness niceness is actually a performance. Have you ever met someone or spoken to someone and they have just been overly nice, really nice? I know that I definitely have, and maybe it's the cynic in me, but I'm just like no, that person is not that nice. How can you be that nice? Because it does land up to be more of a performance than authenticity. It's like a mask. You, you know people can wear it to keep the peace, and every time that you might wear that nice mask, you teach people how little you expect in return, and we don't want to be putting that out there absolutely not.

Speaker 1:

So here's what nice can cost you Opportunities because you didn't want to push, you just wanted to be nice. Time because you couldn't say no. Time is precious. You want to say no. You say no. You want to say yes. You say yes energy because you spent it on people who wouldn't do the same for you. Now, who's done that? Who's spent on energy on a person? And not that you wanted anything in return, but actually maybe, when it comes to the crux, you just didn't get anything back, and that you know that costs energy.

Speaker 1:

And the big one self-respect, because by being this nice person, because you just maybe found it easier, maybe that's what you were taught. It doesn't matter how old you are, by the way, um, because you betrayed your own boundaries to keep someone else happy. Why do we want to keep other people happy to the detriment of ourselves? Doesn't make any sense, does it? And the kicker is that the people you're trying to please, they don't always notice or care. You've sacrificed for a comfort they might not. They might not even value themselves. So instead of that, what do we choose? Instead? Kindness over niceness. Kindness is clear. It can say no without guilt, but with respect. It can speak the truth without an apology. Kindness has a backbone, it has a spine. It's not about smoothing your edges. It's about standing in your truth and treating people well at the same time.

Speaker 1:

So again, I go back to this is not saying you know, this epi is not saying don't be kind, not don't be nice. It's saying be kind, maybe shove the nice away. And when you stop being nice and start being real, three things start to happen. The people who only valued you for your compliance fade away. They just they do they fade away. The people who respect you start listening more closely and you feel lighter because you're no longer performing. Being nice just to please others is actually quite exhausting. I find it knackering and that's why I don't do it anymore. Absolutely not. That is not a part of my life. More, absolutely not. That is not a part of my life. So stop trying to be a person who keeps everyone comfortable, because it doesn't keep you comfortable in the long run. Instead, be the person who is honest, grounded and clear, even if it ruffles feathers, who gives a shit. Nice is uh, it's overrated. It really is kind, truthful and unapologetically yourself. That's the upgrade.

Speaker 1:

And a lot of you might be listening to this and you might be saying, yeah, I did this, I did this and my life improved. Some of you might be listening and saying, okay, this is something that I need to do. Or some of you might be midway changing things up, which is amazing. So, if this episode hit home, take one small step today. Say no to something you don't want to do, without padding it with an excuse. It can be small as no, thank you, but that doesn't work for me. Then notice how it feels to put yourself first and how much lighter you will feel when you don't have to perform nice. And if you want more conversations like this, as I said, follow a woman's Power Unfiltered wherever you listen to a podcast and share this episode because it might help someone else. Share it with another woman. You know who's all ready to upgrade from nice to kindness. Anyway, I hope that you've loved this episode and I will speak to you next week. Have a fantastic week.