Things I’m Still Learning About Trust

Trust sounds simple… until it’s been broken.

In week two of the Things I’m Still Learning mini-series, Amy sits down at The Edwards Table to talk about trust—how our experiences shape it, how broken trust can leave us guarded, and how difficult it can be to open our hearts again once we’ve been hurt.

For many of us, trust isn’t just about believing someone’s words. It’s about feeling safe enough to let our guard down. When trust has been broken—whether in childhood, relationships, or life circumstances—it can leave us learning how to rely only on ourselves.

In this episode, Amy reflects on what it looks like to slowly rebuild trust: with people, with ourselves, and with God. She shares honestly about the tension between protecting our hearts and allowing them to remain open, and how faith invites us into a deeper kind of trust that isn’t based on perfect outcomes but on God’s steady presence.

This conversation is for anyone who has ever felt guarded because of past hurt, struggled to believe people will stay, or wrestled with trusting God when life feels uncertain.

Trust may not be rebuilt overnight—but healing begins when we’re willing to take the next step forward.

Pull up a chair. You’re always welcome at the table.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, I'm Amy Edwards and welcome to the Edwards Table. This podcast is all about real conversations, the kind that come from life, love, family, friendship, and all the messy, beautiful parts in between. I started this show because I believe in redemption stories and in sitting down together to talk about the things that shape us, heal us, and sometimes just make us laugh. So grab a seat, take a breath, and join me. Because there's always room for you here at the Edwards Table. Well, hey y'all, and welcome back to the Edwards Table podcast. I am Amy Edwards. I am so glad to have each of you here today. Shout out to everybody who's been on this fun journey with me. And welcome to anyone who is a new listener. So glad that you're here today. You have jumped into a little mini-series in the month of March. I am talking about just my my whole story, right? Has been kind of the theme of this whole podcast. So if you want to hear my actual story, go listen to season one. And if you're still around and listening to me now, we are talking this whole month just about the different things I'm still learning as I'm on this journey of healing and just being my best version of me. So last week I talked about things I'm still learning about, right? Love. It can be kind of sticky and tricky. But this week talking about trust, and trust definitely for me is a biggie. That has been one that all trust was broken in my life with both of my parents in my childhood, and friends, people who should have protected me and loved me well, um, sadly did not. And men that were in and out of my life that broke trust in terms of, you know, not being faithful to my mom and things of that nature. So I've had this long-standing relationship with lack of trust since I was a small child, and that forever shaped who I was in terms of my survival skills, um, how I'm able to protect myself and things like that, but also it created a whirlwind of mess for me to be cleaning through and cleaning out as I've become an adult. So if you are someone like me who maybe had your trust broken as a small child and just jumped into your 20s and just started going into life and didn't necessarily learn how to trust people again, uh, this definitely is a good episode to jump in on today. Also, uh impact to faith, like trusting God. You know, if your whole world around the people in your whole world let you down, then what in the world is that supposed to look like when it comes to trusting God and your relationship with Him? So I can tell you from my personal experience, that's what we're going to talk through today, and give you kind of where I am, how I've arrived, and then how I'm hoping to grow and move moving forward. So when I was talking earlier, I you know, I said about my childhood and trust, and what I learned very young is that the people who are meant to be trustworthy, so parents, um, relatives, teachers, friends, I learned very quickly that no one could be trusted. So I've shared, I know along the way in other episodes about my childhood that I have an abusive father, and um unfortunately that information was given to some folks that I actually went to school with, which then in turn came back to me. And so my fifth grade year was a pivotal year for me as a student. Um I was extremely emotional and with that lots of tears and unable to really get words to go with my feelings and being able to tell my teacher why I was so upset and whatnot. And so I spent most of my fifth grade year out in the hallway. Um and my teacher, you know, I don't hold animosity or resentment toward her, but it taught me pretty quickly that, you know, at 10 years old, fifth grader, I was not really apt to trusting adults, you know, because a teacher to me at that time, you know, should be someone who I can trust, who I can rely on, and um be able to go to if I was having a problem with another student. And unfortunately in my fifth grade year, that just that wasn't a possibility. So for me, like I said, trust broken from we tiny little girl, well up into my my teens and tweens, and uh probably even young 20s. So for me, trust was inconsistent, it was unsafe, and it was conditional. So just like with love, right? That gum, the conditional things, but unfortunately for me, trust also lumped into that conditional category. And because of those aspects that I learned, what I put with that in my head was do not rely on people, stay alert, and be self-sufficient. So for me, learning how to stand on my own T feet quickly, not have to rely on anyone for anything, and then to just be able to go do it by myself. And I learned how to do that very well. I learned how to work out of my own problems, I learned how to solve my problems if there was an issue, um, if I had a difference of opinion and I might have spoken out about it, but then was met with a lot of resistance, I would just stop and back up and walk away because it wasn't worth it to me. So, what that turned in for to me becoming is a person for me to say I had trust meant that I had control. I was hyper-independent. And emotionally, I was distant. So I know I joke around about, you know, I've never ridden a roller coaster, that kind of a thing, uh, never will, because I am a control freak, but that's very much where this comes from, right? This lack of trust, this learning um trust is a very negative thing. And um, in order to be able to trust someone, you just have to do it all by yourself. Don't let anybody else in, do it by yourself. Uh, and then also just this hyper independence that I need, I don't need it's not even feminism, I don't need no man, but I don't need nobody. I don't need a man or a woman, none. I just do it all by myself. The flip to that is then also being in control. I what I can feel like I have control of. So that's very much what trust became to me. And I'd love to tell you, like, you know, that I got help as a young teenager or young adult, but unfortunately I did not. And so I carried this into my adult years, and it took many broken relationships and broken opportunities and some growing up into becoming a I became a mom pretty young and got married pretty young. So, like, you know, I was in my early 20s, I got married within a year. I got pregnant, had our first child the second year, you know. So it was we were humming along pretty quick, but I was 23, turning 24 when I had our first child. And so at that moment, I was surviving, right? I wasn't worrying about thriving in that time of my life. I just needed to keep another human alive and keep myself and my husband alive, and that was pretty much where we landed. But as life moved forward and I got closer to my 30s, um, it was very evident I was gonna need some help because being ultra independent, not that there isn't a time and a place for that, but when that is the way that you cope and actually allow yourself to trust other people, it's impossible. It's impossible. You can't have a relationship that way. And I learned a very hard lesson through some really difficult situations in my own marriage because of that. And that's what it took was I needed hard things to happen, and then I needed to figure out, you know what, I don't want to live like this anymore. I need a solution. And so for me, my solution was one, becoming more self-aware, but two, getting some professional help. Um, like I've shared along the way here, you know, I didn't have a relationship growing up with a parent that was pouring into me and teaching me these skills, if you will. Uh, and so I needed somehow to have somebody that could speak into that more for me and help me navigate. Like, I don't like this. And at the time I didn't even realize it was a trust issue and that I it was because I didn't trust people that I was having such a hard time. Um, but I knew that I was a miserable human because my life kept feeling like it was spinning out of control, and the more I tried to make it better feeling and more what I thought was the normal and good, if you will, air quoted, the worse it got. I mean, it just kept going off the rails and it felt like I was spinning off of a cliff and and whatnot. And so, like I said, for me, I knew self-awareness, so which, yay, I I did start seeing I needed some help, um, but in order to get that help for me, professional counseling was a really good avenue for that. So, you know, having this broken trust, just thinking about what that does for us and what it definitely did for me personally, is one is building these walls around myself. And my walls are not only really thick, so I keep a very large distance between me and other people, but they're also super tall to where I hide who I am to people, right? Is very much how I survived back in the day. Um, is I would hold people at a very far distance, but then also I would not allow them truly to see me. So if you join me last time, what I said in that last episode um talking about learning how to love and continuing how to do so, um, is that I tend to be very chatty, but when I'm talking, if you pay careful attention, you're really not hearing much great information from me. I'm just talking a lot. But I'm not truly telling you how I feel, what I think, what my opinions are, and that kind of a thing. In fact, in if you were to stop me today and ask me, hey Amy, what's your favorite book that you've ever read? I'll have a hard time telling you that. Um, Amy, what's your favorite color? Again, I'll have a color, but then I'll have other colors and I'll give my whys and whatever else. So I'm not truly giving you like what you're asking me for. I'm telling you a lot of things that may or may not be applicable, but it it gives you the feeling that I've given you an answer. It's kind of how I do things. The other thing too, not only just building those walls, but then also putting on this armor, and I'm not talking about the armor of God, albeit we should have that on head to toe, uh, but but layering ourselves in armor to where truly we're impenetrable. So people can't truly get to know us. Um and that is it's very easy to do. It's very easy to believe that you're protecting yourself. For me, I I easily have believed that um for a very long time. And yes, putting ourselves out there, we're taking a risk, right? And letting people truly get to know who we are with the understanding that rejection is a possibility. And that's really hard when your trust has been broken, at least it is for me. So, what my version of trust became young, and what I started believing because all that trust was broken so young, what I replaced what trust truly is with is expecting disappointment, testing people, and preparing for loss. So instead of allowing someone to potentially hurt me, I would already have it figured out and I would have such a low expectation of what was going to happen that I wouldn't be disappointed because they couldn't let me down if I didn't have a standard that was high. They couldn't hurt me because I wouldn't allow them to know me well enough to really say or do things to me that are painful. And I have all of these layers over me so that no matter, even if maybe they make a good guess, it's still really not going to do much to me. So, out of all of that, you know, I mean, honestly, let's be real, trust feels really risky. Um, I think, especially if you have had some really traumatic events in your life and people have completely broken the trust with you. Um it is it is a big deal to allow yourself vulnerability to actually try trusting people again. And one of the more painful ones for me is the dependence on others. So, like if you're gonna trust someone, that means you're depending on them to be a man or a woman of their word. You're depending on their actions to speak to what they're telling you, you know, and um you're opening yourself up for potentially being hurt all over again. And I think for me, you know, some of the things that I would fear and even still do will fear is if I open my life up to someone, allow someone in, they get to know me, I share bits and pieces of myself, um, and they reciprocate, right? We become friends. There are the those fears of being let down, of um being rejected again, and quite frankly, of losing control. I mean, that is such a big thing for me that I struggle personally with. And so for me, what it winds up making me feel is like I'm being weak, or maybe I'm being naive, or even or even it's it's dangerous. Like I think one of the beautiful gifts that God has given me in going through so many traumatic events and and just having to heal and grow out of that is He has given me an intuition. And what I mean by that is that when I am around people, I tend to have a sense about them, whether they are someone that I could um trust on maybe a very low level, but still could, you know, have them over for dinner or go meet up with them for coffee and maybe share a little bit about myself. Um, but then I am hyper aware of folks that are throwing up red flags that the average person is probably not seeing. And so for me it's it's thankfully a nice gift that I've been given out of the messiness of healing from trauma. So, you know, when I started this journey of healing and learning how to trust again, um it was and is still a bit of an uphill battle for me now. Um, but especially back then, I think there is so let me say this. I think because I was abused by my father and I have a very different difficult, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. I do not have my grandparents anymore, and even when I did have them, I really didn't get to interact with all of them regularly. And so my little circle of family is very tiny, and who I was able to turn to typically was going to be family friends or to myself. And so I think that when I began my healing by going to counseling, one of the things that I had to learn that I'd never learned before is that there actually are people out there that love you, and albeit they're human and they're going to hurt you sometimes, they're gonna do things or say things that will hurt your feelings, they are always gonna come back to that space of loving you and give you reason to continue trusting them. And the biggest relationship that I experience that in is in my marriage to John. So even if you're not married, listen to what I'm saying through the lens of or through the filter of friendship or um relationship, if you will, like with a parent, maybe or a sibling or whatnot. Because I honestly I think a lot of this is applicable. It's a different kind of applicable, but it's still applicable to relationships in general. So in terms of relearning this whole business of trust, and for me personally in my marriage, one of the things was I had to come to a place where I would allow John opportunities to show me that he is trustworthy, and then that I would continue to open up those opportunities. And y'all, I'm gonna be really honest because I had not really had that kind of a situation. I mean, let me run through. I didn't date a ton of boys growing up before I met John. I clearly didn't date any after, by the way. We've been married 29 years. But um the last relationship I was in before I met him was a fella that I thought I was gonna marry, and come to find out he cheated on me with another girl that actually was a friend of mine. And so I mean, you're talking the first 20 years of my life, mom, father, uh other family members, and now teachers, and then now boyfriend we thought we were gonna marry, blew it, like completely blew it. So poor John when he came into this relationship with me, um a little a little bit knowing because he and I had very transparent conversations and I gave him the rundown of kind of my life and what it looked like and very early offered him opportunity to walk away because I know I there's a lot of crazy on my train. So if you don't want to jump on this ride with me, sir, please go. Uh, but in in the interim, obviously, he asked me to marry him. We had been married for a few years, and um when I first went and started learning how to do these things and getting these skills to learn how to trust, right? People, period. Um fortunately, I didn't have tons and tons of friends, so um, which wasn't unusual or shocking, that's pretty typical of someone who has uh gone through traumatic events and whatnot. Um but like with him, it was really and truly, like I said earlier, just trying to give opportunities for him to do things to show me that I could trust him. And um I think what's uh messy in that is for John he had um parents that raised him in a very loving home. And he could trust what they said to him. He could believe that when they said, We will be here and we will love you until you know God takes us to glory, they really were there. It was something that he could trust and he knew was the truth. Um whereas I came from the just the total opposite. The only person I could believe was me, and the only control I had was mine, and I held people so far away and kept things so far out that allowing him in was a really big deal. And even though I think if I were to ask him, I would guess he would think that like I let him pretty much fully into my life very quickly. The reality is, is the older we got and the longer we were married, the more I was able to let down those walls and to take that armor that I had protected myself with off. And it was really hard. And I would love to tell you that like he did three things and then I felt better, and then I trusted him 100% with my whole heart for the rest of our days. Lies. That is lies. And I don't care who you are. Uh if you are a human being that has a pulse, you are going to take time to be able to build trust with the person that you're maybe trying to to build this relationship with. It takes time. It takes a lot of energy, it takes a lot of effort, and um, it takes a lot of failure. And that's scary. Like it's not fun, easy, oh, no big deal. We're just gonna, you know, bada bing, do a few things. And then voila, within three months you'll be like brand new. Um, I wish it were that simple. I wish it were that easy because as life goes, right, new things hit, there's another big event in your life. Maybe you have a child, maybe you get married, maybe there's a death in your family, or a death of a pet, or you know, you lose your job, or the economy crashes and you lose everything. Who knows? Your story could be very similar to mine, but the reality is that being able to learn these things all the while life is continually going and the earth is still revolving and people are moving onward and forward, um, it takes a lot of hard work. And so, over and again, I know I say this, but it's so true. This is such a process to work through these things. And I think too, I've like when I think about trusting other people, and like in my relationship with John, there would be plateaus, like we would make some progress and then kind of hum along on that plateau, which was a really nice place to be. Um, in the moment, I think maybe a little bit frustrating because I like continuing up the mountain, but sometimes we need kind of that flat space, right? Like we need a time where we can get our bearings again, get used to how this feels. So, uh for instance for me would be being a man of his word. So if John was telling me things, I would have the expectation that what he said was what was going to be. Now let's be real. I didn't have a realistic, excuse me, I didn't have a realistic expectation all the time, probably most of the time early on, of what that truly meant. So for instance, John was kind of like an apprentice, if you will, learning the building business when we first got married. And so he didn't have a traditional nine to five, you know, I'm home by 5:30, we're eating at six kind of a job. There were times where he was home, you know, early, but then there were other times where that just wasn't possible because especially in like the spring and summer months when you have longer days and better weather and all of that, it would just, it would make things, you know, go longer and whatever. Um, and so one thing that would just spiral, send me into this spiral of being just angry and frustrated and um passive aggressive is if he had told me when he would be home and then he wasn't home, but then maybe he didn't call or text me. Okay. Now the average person maybe would get frustrated by that, but the average person also is not gonna, you know, turn it into World War III every time this happens, right? For me, that was one of those things that it took my pla my mind to places that were one, asinine and ridiculous, but then two would just push me harder and further away from him. So let's say he told me he was coming home, he didn't make it home, he calls me on the way, apologizes, says, Hey, I'm so sorry. I noticed it started getting dark, I hadn't looked at my phone, we were trying to finish up before daylight was out. And instead of being receptive and open to that and forgiving him in that moment, I would be passive aggressive, I would be, you know, just agitated, and he would come home not really knowing what he was gonna walk into because I was volatile in those moments, and I'm not talking like wild, crazy behavior, but just you know, grumpy and pinned up, and I'm not gonna talk to you and you know, passive aggressive to the nth degree. I mean, seriously. So then, you know, that would happen. Then the next time uh he would say something, and then I would be sassy to him and be like, well, if it's like last time, we know you're not gonna be home on time, so I don't even know why you say anything. Super childish, but also um like I talked about before, that's definitely something in terms of trusting another person and loving another person, right? Is if you're holding them at an arm's length, you're waiting for them to walk away because you're pushing them as hard as you can to see how hard can I push you until I've broken you and you don't want me anymore. That was how I coped with things. I think that's a very common way that many of us do when we have been through really hard things. I really do. Uh maybe you've gone through a really messy divorce or just a really messy relationship, right? And that is so much easier. It is so much easier to put your hand out and not let anybody pass, not let anybody in, and just when they start to come too close and you just keep shoving them back and shoving them back, and you push and you push and you push until they don't want to be pushed anymore and they walk away. And that was very much how I dealt with John in our marriage. I would push and I would push and I would push, knowing one day in my mind, knowing all men walk away, all men leave. He's going somewhere, and good rendance. Now, if I were to step back and actually think about it, it broke my heart, but also I felt deserving of it. I felt in my mind that I can't really trust you, and because I can't trust you, you can't love me because I can't fully love you, and therefore it's better to let you go than it is for you to stay here because I'm gonna hurt you more. That's really and truly what the bottom line was for me. And so this whole broken trust and then trying to learn how to trust as an adult with no childhood skills, uh, very messy, does not make for a great start to a marriage. It makes it really hard. And um, but the beautiful part about that is even though it made it really hard, it also grew a very strong bond for John and I. Um it's funny too. It's uh it's very interesting because John can be someone who is not as patient with others as he is with me. Like he'll let me yammer on and baby whine and do my thing. Um, and he he knows, like he'll let me kind of get it all out of my system, if you will, and then we'll sit down and have a conversation. And he's learned to do this with me, where he'll say, I know the words that came out of my mouth were these, and he'll say them. And what I was intending for you to get from that truly was exactly what I said. Like I had no underlying anything. I truly meant what I said. And another another way that this would kind of kind of would and still sometimes even today still comes out, is like um in my mind I'll have this expectation of what um I'm trying to think of a good example, like um what what would be a good situation? Like if we were to, oh, here's a good one. So let's say I've said to him, uh, like I did the other day, um, because like we'll we'll kind of sit together in the mornings and after we've read our Bible, pray together, whatever, then we'll do like a quick rundown of our day. Um, one for accountability, but then two just for a heads up, kind of what's going on, whatever. Uh, because we own a business, I do the podcast, and then we both have groups that we meet with, mentor, love on, um, and you know, all the while being mom to Mad and Quinn and whenever he needs us. So um, so like we were having a conversation the other day, and we kind of did the rig and a row of, you know, what I'm doing, uh, and it was a Monday. And I typically am kind of in the flow of like on Mondays, usually I will clean house um and I'll pick a part that I'm gonna do. So almost always I'm cleaning bathrooms on Mondays and uh finishing up any laundry I didn't get done over the weekend. But I had this whole list of stuff that I really want to get done. And it I I still still have the list, by the way. Um, but like I want to I want to do a deep clean. So I want to like not just mop the floors, but like do it multiple times with the steam machine and like you know, it's springtime, so I want everything fresh and clean, ready to go for the year. Year. Listen to me. It ain't gonna be a year before I mop, God help me if it is. Um, but I had said that, and then also our flower beds, because we live in central Texas and Mother Nature thinks it's hilarious to have spring here, so we just jump straight to summer. It's in the 80s, why not? Uh so I need to get out there. We have rose bushes and things that need like clip back and whatever else. So I had told him I was doing all of this stuff. Well, the week before uh he had a cold situation that was like this weird thing, I don't know. No fever, but like didn't feel well, had to kind of take a day off kind of a situation, but progressively got better over about five, seven days. And then when you know it, Maddie got it, and then a few days later, I started coming down with it. Well, I didn't know Monday morning I was really coming down with it. I kind of felt felt like the tickle in the throat situation, nose kind of a thing, you know, kind of feeling like maybe a little cold situation's coming on. And um by two, by that night, I like had to cancel my plans for Tuesday because I was like, there's just no way. I know this is contagious and whatever. And I didn't really necessarily feel horrible, but I didn't feel 100%. And for me, my big thing that I struggled with was my breathing. It was like it was hard to breathe. Uh, and so I would feel tired all the time and and winded. But I could still, you know, I'm not like laid out with a fever and a headache and aching body or anything like that. And so in my mind, rest was not acceptable because I had made this long list and whatever else. But then reality was my body was like, ma'am, you're going nowhere. So park it and enjoy creating social media posts, but past that, that's about all you got in you. And so I got kind of grumpy about that. Like it, it frustrated me because I had said to him on Monday, I'm gonna do these three things, and there were big things, and I wanted to knock them all out. And I didn't do any of them, I got none of them done. And I think it was on Wednesday, maybe a couple days later, so still trying to get well or whatever, and he came home from working all day and he asked me, Hey, did you I can't remember what the thing was, but he asked me if I'd gotten it done. And y'all, that was like he had lit a blowtorch and just shot it at my face because it set me on fire seeing red. I was so angry when he said it. And if I were talking to you probably 10 years ago, like in my 40s, that would have been me flying off the handle, getting all shrill and angry, and just being nasty back to him. And let me just say this: he didn't have any kind of attitude in the voice, there was no tooth in the voice, there was no size in the in the in the demeanor, nothing. He literally was just asking, hey, did you get this done today? However, I took it and ran with it in the wrong way, which was that he was questioning whether or not I was being productive. And that's not, that wasn't his intent, that wasn't what he asked. Those were not the words he spoke. And one of the things that I have learned, especially in these past, I don't know, maybe not 10 years, maybe five, but more so in the more recent few years of our marriage, is that if John says A, B, and C, John means A, B, and C. If I say A, B, and C, I mean A sub point one, two, double I three, four, single I 5, 6, B, sub point one, two, three, four, C potentially sub point one, two. Okay, so he is literal in what he says, whereas a lot of times I will not be speaking in metaphors, you know what I'm saying, but there are underlying things that attach to my words. That is very much how we as women and they as men function in terms of communication. We communicate from an emotional standpoint, and guys communicate from a provision standpoint, providing bullet points. One, two, three, A, B, C. That's it. There's nothing else to think about, talk about. That is literally what they are they are aiming to go and accomplish those tasks, right? Whereas we as women a lot of times will, it's not that we don't accomplish tasks, it's how we filter all of that and then communicate it back out. We communicate it back out with the expectation that who we're communicating to is doing the exact same thing and how they're talking. Not the way it works for men, definitely not. And so as I got to understand that more about him and truly learn that he's not selling me a bill of goods. When he says A, B, and C, he means A, B, C. Nothing else, nothing more. That's it. And so again, a big deal for me in my real struggle of learning how to trust people. And I think, you know, when I learned that I had this gift of intuition and being able to read people really, really well, that was a really big deal because I was able to trust that God had given me this gift, right? And to trust the gift he gave me by listening to what he laid on my heart about about other people. And not necessarily is it, are they a quote good or a bad person kind of? It's not like always like that. But there will be, um, there will be this twinge in my spirit where it's like, oof, that just doesn't sit well with me. And I, you know, maybe it's like there they must be going through something really hard right now because what they're saying versus how they're behaving, you know, or whatever. Um, so that was super helpful for me. Like when I made that realization, and then I truly owned it. I owned the fact that I have that in me for a reason. God gave me intuition on purpose. And there are many of us who have it. I'm not saying it's just a gift that I have. Um, and then the second thing was uh again, what I said early on in my marriage, which I continually practice, is giving John opportunities to do and say things that I then can trust him on. Um and not to get graphic or into anything that doesn't need to be said here. But if you are married, considering getting married or engaged to be married, this is definitely for you. And that is this trust in a marriage is vital for intimacy in marriage. And I'm not just talking about the bed, okay? I'm talking about true intimacy, like truly letting someone see all of your heart, everything that you have to share, both physically, but then also emotionally. That is something that we have to be able to trust someone with if we are going to have this covenant of marriage between us. And so John and I kind of rolled on square wheels, and it was really bumpy for a long while, of learning how to trust in our marriage, and not with him trusting me, but for him to give me opportunities to allow myself to grow in my trust of him. Uh, and it's not to say that he doesn't disappoint me or let me down, because he does, and vice versa, good heavens. I am no perfect poly over here. What's beautiful is that after almost 29 years of marriage, we've gotten to a place where he is the closest to Christ when it comes to my trust in someone. And it opens up this level of love that we have to be something almost indescribable. Like when I was first meeting him and dating him and falling in love with him, I didn't think I could feel any more. I felt like that was oozing out of me how much I loved him and how excited I was to spend our lives together. But now looking at it and seeing where we are and seeing what we have overcome and been through and done and learning that in our marriage, how vital this gift of trust truly is, um, it not only allows me this incredibly intimate relationship with him on just a friendship level, but it also allows me an incredibly intimate relationship with God and with other people that normally I would have never done ever. Even even so much so to be able to do that and be okay knowing that people are going to hurt me sometimes and things are going to happen, but that doesn't mean that my whole trust in them has to be completely broken because they said they would be here at five and they got here at 5 30. That means that they really don't want to be here. Y'all, I can go down the rabbit hole when I need to, uh, which is never need to, but here we are. And so, you know, I just mentioned this about, you know, what it has allowed in my trust for God. Uh, it's just a continual growth in that as well. Um I can't honestly remember. I feel like I said this a few weeks ago, talking about surrendering to God, like laying it completely at the foot of that cross and just openly setting it there with my hands wide open, not holding anything back. Um very recently I've had to do that, and it is with someone who is very precious to me, and that realization of what I had to surrender was truly my relationship here on earth as a wife. And um it was very hard to say out loud and in the moment, but it was very necessary for me to be able to trust God completely with my life, with John's life, and and what he needs to do with us and and and through us, right? Like whose lives he can touch because of us and our words and actions and things like that. Um but this uh gift that John's given in uh uh being someone who is trustworthy, um, being a faithful husband, uh doing what he says he's gonna do, um, owning it when he doesn't, you know, and and asking me to forgive him if he makes mistakes and whatever else. Uh it's one of the beautiful pieces of how God redeems really messy, hard things, right? So I've talked to y'all countless times about that ribbon that that God weaves through my story of of redemption. And even though I was a very broken little girl, um, who grew into a very broken young woman, I am very thankful that I have grown into a very healed woman. Um healed, not perfect, though. And so I still continue to learn to trust. I still continue to learn to let go of that incessant need to be in control, that incessant need to hold people at a very long arm's length away. Um this podcast, I mean, this is this is my gift of learning trust is to be completely transparent with you all and share very intimate things about my life and my story in order that God can take it and use it in a powerful and mighty way to one, ten, a hundred, a thousand, a million, a billion people, um, whatever he sees fit, you know, and being able to trust that putting it all out there is something that he will bless and um he'll just continue to. Grow me through. So as we've been doing, just kind of reflecting in terms of where we all are, right, on this journey of life and healing and being the best versions of ourselves. So here's what I want us to think about. You ready? In your own story and in mind, who is it that you learned not to trust? And then what did you learn that trust costs you? And I think what I want to send you away with today is my hope that even if you don't believe in the whole church thing and whatever else, that you are willing to invite God in, have a conversation with him. Let him know what your what your struggles are and and where you are and what you need him to help you with. Um trust is a big deal. It's huge to be able to have people around you that love you that you can trust. Um and then also putting your trust in God is it's life-altering. It's not just life-changing, it alters your whole life for so many good things. And two of the really beautiful ones is that it will heal wounds that no one else can heal. God can and he will. And then also softening those guarded places, y'all. If I've got any hard spots in my heart, that's always a prayer I have, is that God will just soften it. I don't love to ask for that because I kind of like being a grunt butt if I'm honest, but um but he can. He can wash in and through all of it. He can soften it, he can help you gain that trust again, not only in him, but help you trust others that can love you and that can be trusted. So just as you're thinking about this, just be sure to to kind of ponder what it would look like to trust again. So, like I've told y'all, I'm still learning, I'm still learning about trusting. I am totally still learning about fear-based control, like being so scared and thinking that I can control things and that that then will make things better. I'm still having to achieve openness rather than armoring myself up with all these layers of protective covering. But trust does not mean ignoring wisdom. It means you're risking some connection. So, with that, I hope you'll grab a seat and join me again next week as we continue this March mini-series. And in the meantime, please know there is always a seat for you here at this table. And if there's someone you can trust, you definitely can trust me to encourage you to come have that seat with me. Because if ever there was a spot where you belong, it's definitely at the Edwards table. Till next time, we'll see y'all. Bye bye.