God Saw Me When No One Else Did

In this episode of The Edwards Table, Amy shares one of the most personal and meaningful passages in her story—Psalm 139.

Growing up in an abusive environment and without consistent, safe father figures, Amy wrestled deeply with questions of worth, identity, and whether she was truly seen. Psalm 139 became more than just scripture—it became a lifeline.

Through this passage, Amy began to understand a different kind of Father. One who saw every moment, knew every detail, and never looked away.

This episode is a reflection on what it means to be fully known by God—not in spite of the pain, but within it—and how that truth brings comfort, healing, and a new foundation for identity.

If you’ve ever felt unseen, forgotten, or unknown, this conversation is an invitation to discover the God who has been there all along.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, I'm Amy Edwards and welcome to the Edwards Table. This podcast is all about real conversations, the kind that come from life, love, family, friendship, and all the messy, beautiful parts in between. I started this show because I believe in redemption stories and in sitting down together to talk about the things that shape us, heal us, and sometimes just make us laugh. So grab a seat, take a breath, and join me. Because there's always room for you here at the Edwards Table. Well, hey y'all, and welcome back to the Edwards Table podcast. My name is Amy Edwards, and I am delighted to be your host for this time where I come on every Wednesday and here in the past several weeks have been kind of chatting through bits and pieces of my story, but then kind of laying it down next to my faith. So talking about passages out of the Bible. I'll use the term scripture if you're not familiar with um all the Christian lingo we like to call Christianese. Um, but just kind of talking about why, like my why behind what I believe, kind of how it helps me um to pick my head up every day and be able to live life, but then also how it's restored and redeemed me, God has. And so I was thinking about today um kind of a heavier time in my life when actually when I was a really little girl. So if you haven't listened to my story, I know I say this every time, but I if you're new here, definitely go back and take a listen to season one. That's all I do. I just tell my story start to finish, excuse me, and I'm actually seated at our table telling it to my daughter. So you can kind of really get a good idea of where I come from and kind of all of the things that um have been a part of my my journey so far on this planet. But all this to say, my childhood um had some great childhood memories, but also had a good bit of messy and quite frankly horrible things that happened in my childhood as well. And I was thinking about today um one of my favorite passages in scripture, and I actually started talking about one of the verses out of the chapter, but the whole chapter itself really and truly means a lot to me. And it comes from Psalm 139, and I'm actually going to read part of it here in just a little bit. But let me let me give you a little backstory of my why. Why, why, why does this mean so much to me? So, as a little girl, uh my mom had divorced my father when I was two, and we moved from Indiana down to Tennessee, hence the accent. Uh, and when she moved, she moved with her new husband, and uh very quickly uh we learned he was not a good man. Um, he was exceptionally abusive to her, he's physically abusive to her. And so what this meant for her and I was um she was very protective of me and trying to keep me safe. And so there were times where he would get abusive and she would lock me into the hallway bathroom. And I was little, you know, like three years old, four years old, um, and it was hard for me to to be able to reach the lights. And so she was obviously in um a survival mode of just get me out of the way and keep me in a place where I'm safe. But the unfortunate part was I have one very vivid memory of her doing that, and I could not reach the light switch, and so it was pitch dark, uh, just a little bit of light coming under the door, but I could hear her tiny little body thudding up against the wall and the screaming and the yelling, um, and just the viciousness that was like just seething out of this man. Um, he was someone who drank and got really abusive and really physical when he did. Um, and so as this wee little girl um experiencing that, it branded my memory. Like I that is a memory I don't know that I will ever not remember. It's not that I think about it daily or anything like that. So please understand, I'm not I'm not saying it that way, but I I just you know, certain memories I don't think leave us for, and maybe it will, who knows? Um, but you know, I'm 51 and I still remember it very vividly. Um, and so with that experience, um also I had the experience of my biological father going on in the background as well, uh, who sexually molested me. And um that was ongoing until I was nine or ten. So, like uh men in my life not excellent. Um and being such a little girl and that being my experience, it formed in me this huge fear of safety. And so I I also remember I was very, very, very, I mean, absolutely petrified of dying, or that my mom was gonna die and there wouldn't be anybody to take care of me because the men in my life definitely should not be then the ones taking care of me. And um, my grandparents lived over a thousand miles away or at a thousand, and I don't know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of miles away. It was not a a quick little journey to them. And so um in my tiny little world where my mind went was just being absolutely petrified that my mom was gonna die and I was not gonna have anybody to take care of me. Um, and then the flip to that was was that I hadn't been a good girl, because if I had been a good girl, why would these men be doing these things to me? Um, was my my thought process. So a lot of very big lies and very damaging thoughts were placed into my mind at a very young age and became very much a part of what I thought and what I believed, not only about men, but about myself. And I, at the age of five, actually became a believer. I I said the sinner's prayer and um accepted Jesus as my savior and my Lord and asked him to forgive my sins. Now, please hear me say that just because I did that at five does not mean that I haven't been on a growth spurt for my entire life, like getting to know him, myself, learning how to be a Christ follower, what that means, how to do it, um, how to lose myself, as God says in the word. We have to lose ourselves to be born again. And let me tell you, that is not easy. That's like a daily grind for me. Um, I feel I joke around about this, but I'm kind of half serious. I feel like I might outlive Methuselah, y'all. I mean, Methuselah was like 900, I missed a thousand years old back in the Bible times. I know God says we're not living over 120, but I'm here to tell you, I don't know, I might be changing his mind because I'm a work in progress for sure. Um, but just like this whole learning journey for me, right? And so as I've gotten um older and I did go to therapy, and I have been growing and still continue to grow, um, thankfully, um looking at God's word. So going into my Bible, which I have right here with me, uh going into my Bible and finding out who God is, right? Like last week talking about pursuing him, pursuing him so much so that I know what he smells like and feels like when he gives me a hug. I mean, how beautiful a picture is that? And thank you to my friend, she knows who she is, uh, for putting that word picture in my mind. But um, but thinking about that, um, and just thinking about God's nature, right? Like who he is as God. And um, that can be a daunting task because if you look in the word and you you and you read the Bible, uh, depending on where you're reading, um, the there's an Old Testament and New Testament. What's the difference, Amy? Old Testament before Jesus was on the earth, New Testament after while and after Jesus came to the earth, right? So um what how how how do you know? Like, how do you know? I love that question. How do you know who God is? Um God is that come immediately to mind. One is reading it in the Bible, two is um praying. When I'm talking to God and I'm telling him my wants, my needs, my desires, my hopes, my fears, and whatnot, God will answer those prayers, not always with what I want. In fact, many times he will answer in a way that is better than I could have ever imagined, or it completely shuts something down that I thought we were on the same wavelength of, you know, okay, God, this is where you're taking me. And he very clearly is like, no, girl, we're not going that way, we're going this way. Or, no, girl, I'm not opening that window. I'm actually closing it completely, and we're gonna go to the next door and I'm gonna take you through over here. So, like those two things, and then the the third is um just interactions with other humans on this planet, like who God places in my life and how our paths cross and stories weave together, and you know, just there's so many ways uh in those three spaces that I am learning about who God is. And y'all, I it's still learning, like because you can't contain God in a checklist or in a box, even though I love a Tiffany box, y'all know it. Um, you can't contain him, he's uncontainable. And so, as old as I am, and for some of you I'm elderly, and others of you, I'm a youngling, and thank y'all for the youngling. Um, but no matter where you are in your life's um space, if you will, where you are on the age spectrum, um, you know, we're we're always learning. And I think that's what's so beautiful about God is that he is uncontainable, he is indescribable. Like we, I I love this picture that someone um I hear people say this, and it's very true. Like, how do you how do you describe color to someone who's blind? Like, how do you do that? How do you put words to color in order for someone who's blind and never seen color to be able to experience it? Um, how do you explain to someone who's deaf the experience behind hearing a sound for the first time? How do you do that? You can't. You absolutely, I, we absolutely, we can't do it. We cannot do it. And so I have to lean really firmly into listening to what who God is because of what it says in his word, who God is because of how he talks to me in my prayer life, who God is by who he aligns in my life. And not even, I mean, like, look at creation, who God is. I mean, y'all, come on. Like, literally, is there any way we can get through a day that we don't know that God is around us and near us in the mix of what we're doing and living, right? So today I really want to lean into his word. And I I love, like I said at the top of the show, I love Psalm 139. Some people find it, and I said this last week, but like some people find it because of where they are, I think, in their journey with God, and because of maybe how they're reading his word, um, they find it like uh containing, like, I don't really want God to be able to do all of this with me. Whereas because of what I have lived, I have survived, because of what I have learned through growing in my faith with him, this to me is so gorgeous. So again, King David, one of the writers of the Psalms, which are um poems and songs that are, it's a compilation book of just this compiling of, so it's almost like a hymnal, if you will, and poetry of this, I don't even know how many hundreds of years it was, um, because not necessarily do we know all of the authors in here, but um I mean there's even a psalm for Moses, y'all. Hello. Uh so let me read these verses to you. So I'm starting at the very beginning of Psalm 139, and I'll kind of jump around a little bit. But if you go and read the whole psalm, which you should, I said it last week, I'm saying it again. Listen, listen to this word. It says, You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar, you discern my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is light to you. For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know that full well. And at the very end, he says, Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. There are so many things that you can take out of what I've just read you. And like I said, it's not the complete um uh chapter. I knocked out kind of the middle chunk talking about war and fighting and all the things, because poor King David, he was out there uh living the war life for a hot sec of his life. But to know that he had this to face, King David um was anointed by God to become king young, and then didn't become king until I think he was 40. And King Saul at the time was the king of of Israel, and he was determined he was gonna kill David because he was intimidated by him and fearful that David was gonna take over his kingdom forcefully, of which David was not. But Saul didn't know that, didn't believe that, struggled and wrestled with um some spiritual warfare definitely going on in his life with demons, and it was a whole mess going on with King Saul. But when I think about the fact in verse one, you have searched me, Lord, and you know me. It can be scary to think about, right? Like God has access completely to our hearts. He knows, he knows everything that goes on in our mind. Um and I think what can be scary is is people will pigeonhole that and say, well, he knows, but then bad things happen to that person, why? Or he knows, and that person makes a choice that's evil and bad, why does he let it happen? And and here's what I'm gonna say to you without going into a hundred miles of depth, because we could we could get on this topic for a very long time, and here's what I'm gonna say about that particular thing. God allows every single one of us to make choices, make our own decisions, live our own lives. When we ask God to come into our heart, right, we accept him as our Lord and our Savior, and we say, We're sinners, we need him to forgive us. There is no other way we live this life other than through Christ. When we do that, the Holy Spirit then is in our heart and speaking to us. And I am not saying if you were to get like an MRI of your heart, right, or an echocardiogram of your heart, like there's this weird-looking thing inside of your heart chambers because you've become a Christian. Okay, so calm down. That's not what I'm saying. I'm I'm speaking more in a spiritual realm of things, like coming into our heart, into our mind, our thoughts, allowing the Holy Spirit free access to everything is what I'm saying. And with that comes this supernatural gift that God gives us through the Holy Spirit. And it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful because the Holy Spirit then twinges in our spirit and says, ugh, girl, I'm gonna give you a very big fat, for instance, for a recent. Um, was with family, celebrating things, having a good time. Um, and I'm also wrestling with some personal matters in my own heart and on my own mind. And unfortunately, I allowed myself to kind of spew out, not at them, but like spew out my venting, if you will. And it wasn't constructive or helpful, and it definitely was not something I should have said because I got that twinge. It was like, oh, Amy, don't. And then it was like, and I didn't listen to the twinge. I went with my own self and sounded disgusting as a human. I mean, just like mean and not nice and and whatever else. So God allows us to do that. He, he, even though I'm a believer, it doesn't mean that God comes in and like is, you know, puppeteering my life and puppeteering my thoughts and my actions and my words. Oh no, y'all, uh-uh, no. He gives us free reign of our thoughts and our actions, our words. We have control over that. Every single one of us, no matter where God lands in our lives, that is how he's created this world. That's how he created us. Why did he do it? Um, because he is sovereign and he is mighty and he is holy and he's gracious. He wants us so badly, he wants us so desperately, and he gives us the choice to make the decision to come. He doesn't require it. He doesn't require us to do it unless we want eternity with him. Then it's a requirement. Then you have to make the decision, right? But like he's not saying everyone on the planet is going to do. He is not um a totalitarian leader, if you will, or communist leader uh where he's shaming you or making you f fearful for your life, and therefore you have to do it. That's not that's not God. That's not how he works. Um, and that's not how he he aligns himself with us. Um I think about like a good visual for me is thinking about when you see like a little toddler that's not quite to walking yet or just now learning to walk right, and they have like someone who loves them holding out their hands, and they are standing there talking to them, encouraging them, loving them, telling them, you can do it, come see me, come see me, waggling their little fingers toward to tell them come to them. This is very much God in our lives for all of us. He is coming near us, he's near us and just wooing us, if you will, like come, just come to me. You're tired, I have a way to fix that. You're exhausted, you're you're angry, I can help heal that. You're scared, I can wipe out all of those anxious thoughts. He offers us a way. Um, and also we have to be willing to stand up on our feet and come to him, accept him, welcome him. And so I think that is why Psalm 139.1, that verse for me is so powerful. You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. Nowhere does it say uh you expect me, you require me, uh, you roll your eyes at me, you walk away from me, you leave me. None of that. You've searched me and you know me completely. You know me completely, and then going into the more granular of it, right? Like you know when I sit and when I rise. So every time I sit down, when I get up, when I lay down, when I sleep, when I'm awake and working, when I go about my day, when I do something and try to hide from you, it doesn't matter where I am, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, you're there. You're aware of me. And I just think I think that is so beautiful. Um, another part of this passage that I absolutely love because of my childhood, because of the abuse that I did um with Stan and Survive, right? Because of those memories seared into my mind, God being such a passionate protector of me is something that I love. And so when you look at this verse, um five, you hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. So, okay, when you think about like on your pants or your shirt or whatever, where there's a hem, right? And you see the stitching, the fabric that has been folded together, and then the stitching that goes across the top of it, there's a hem there. So you talk about that God hems you in, he sews like fabric around you, if you will, and sews you in. Um, that is such a powerful image to me because I sew, so it means a lot to me. Um the fact that he hems you in as your protector, as your provider, as your father, he makes sure that he is coming around all of you, you know, so hemming you in, but then also putting like laying a hand on you. And I think about this, again, I didn't have a great picture of fathers growing up at all. None. There are no men in my life that were excellent at fathering until I met John as my husband, but then as father to our children. That's when I got to see what a good daddy looked like. And um, but from my childhood memories, this to me was so beautiful that you lay your hand upon me, um, not in a sexual way like my father did, not in an abusive way like my mom's second husband did, not in um a verbally disgusting way as my mom's third husband did. Like when it says he laid his hand on me, I tend to think of that gentle, kind, soft touch that we need. And you know, like that stroke on your cheek, that hand on the top of your head, or the like taking you by the face, you know, and just looking into your eyes, like putting your hands, putting your hands on my shoulders when okay, let's think about this, you know, needing that calming, needing that reassurance, putting your hands around my face. I I love you and I am here for you, like putting that hand on your head. Um, I think back to when I taught. So I taught school, it was only for a year, but then became an administrator in um like a preschool program. And so I did this as a teacher because of the children that I that I taught. Um, but like a hand on the shoulder, a hand on the top of the head, um, that kind of a thing. Just a reassurance of, hey, I'm here and I see you, and I'm hearing you, and I'm watching you, um, and I'm cheering for you. I just love that. I love that picture. Um, I don't find that confining. I find it reassuring. I find it calming. I find it um just beautiful. I love that. I love that um God would be so precious to think in such detail to help speak into me with that. And um, yeah, so that just, I don't know, it just means a lot to me. And then, you know, in the next several verses, it kind of talks through, you know, no matter where we go, God can see us. Pitch black to the depths to the heavens. It doesn't matter where we go, God is everywhere, He's omniscient. That means He's all places right now, right now. He is everywhere. And um, if I feel a little icky about that, like if it kind of gives me that, oh, I don't love that God is everywhere. Uh nine, well, 100% of the time there is no error in this. 100% of the time, the reason why I'm feeling that is my heart is not aligned with his. And what I mean when I say that, right, is that because I love him, because he's in my day-to-day, all the things. Um, if I am trying to do it on my own, instead of listening to what he tells me in his word, listening to what he tells me when I'm praying to him, listening to people who are in my life who also love him and are wise in their faith and in their life's experience, but I'm not listening to where God is really directing me. And I try to go off on my own and go do my own thing. That is when God's omniscience really wrecks me because it's a guilt thing. And it's not guilt because God's making me feel guilty. It's a guilt thing because I love him and as his daughter, I don't want to let him down. Do you have a parent like that, or maybe a grandparent or an aunt, like an older generation in your life who you you just it just wrecks your heart and it just breaks your heart, and it's hard to even make eye contact because you know you've let them down. Maybe you said something, or maybe you aren't living up to your full potential, and they are the ones who've just really been cheering you on and loving on you to help you find that. Um, and you've made that realization, gosh, I'm just not living up to it. But you know that feeling-that's what I'm talking about. It's like that, oh, it's not that I feel guilty because God's making me feel guilty. I feel sad because I know I've disappointed him. And who wants to disappoint their daddy? I don't know about you, but I don't want to disappoint him. I want him um to be joy-filled and cheering because I'm listening to what he's saying and I'm actually taking the steps that he's asking me to, and I'm I'm helping him grow his kingdom and bring people closer to him, and I'm getting closer to him. Like, I want to do those things, right? Um, but I just I love this because it says, for you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I mean, how beautiful is that? Like, if you do anything crafty or anything with your hands, like woodworking or painting or I mean, anything like that. The thought of God like knowing every piece of your DNA to put together on purpose to make you who you are, knowing you're not gonna be perfect, knowing you're gonna make mistakes, knowing you're not gonna be in his will all the time. And he's also gonna take that messy story and he is gonna knit it together in this gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful story that grows his kingdom. I mean, like, that's so beautiful to me. Um, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know that full well. I think coming into that place, like if you're not there, hang on there. Like, don't get frustrated and walk away from him. Keep seeking him, keep going to the Bible, keep going to him in prayer. And I know I've talked a lot about go to prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah you know. What is that, Amy? It's a conversation. And I'm not encouraging you to go cuss at God because that is not uh what I'm saying. But what I am telling you is he can handle it if you do. He can handle your why, he can handle your anger, he can handle your frustration, he can handle your hopelessness, he can handle your helplessness, he can handle anything you have to bring to him because he sent his son, Jesus, to die and to defeat the grave. And Jesus did. He was crucified, he died, and he came back to life after. Spent 40 days on this planet, telling everybody he could, hey, look at not only did I get crucified, not only was I dead and buried for three days, but I overcame death. I did that so that you can now come and spend eternity with me. You don't have to worry about the mistakes you are making, have made, will make, because you're going to. You're you're you're a human being and that's the human nature. But the beautiful part is that because God continually tells us in his word, he will never leave us, he'll never forsake us, and he knows us already. And that is so beautiful. He already knows you're making mistakes, he already knows you've made mistakes, he already knows you're gonna make some more mistakes, and yet Jesus death on that cross washed all of that to clean. It's God doesn't see you any other way when you accept that. But beautiful and washed clean. Um, and I think that's why those verses mean so much to me. And at the end, I think when we make peace with that about God, that is where we can say these words. Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. God, I'm I'm taking my heart, my thoughts, my mind, everything that there is about me. And I am, I am asking you. I'm opening everything up, not holding on to any of it. And I just want you to like know everything in there. And I want you to show me, twinge my spirit when I'm starting to think things I shouldn't think or say words. Help me to stop myself before they even come off of my tongue. Help me to be whatever it is you need me to be, so that I then can spend eternity with you. And there's a line of people coming with me. Like, let me be that, God. Let me be that. That is why this means so much to me, Psalm 139. It is so precious to me. Um, and and and assure yourself that I could sit here and talk to you about so many other passages in scripture that speak to my three, four, five-year-old little girl heart, six, seven, eight, nine, ten-year-old-year-old little girl heart. Um, but this one I think because there is so much beautiful imagery in it where I can actually see, you know, I know how to knit, I know how to sew. Um, I definitely know what it is to be in the pitch dark, you know, and uh, but then to know the light of of God and all of that. And so I think for me, that's where it comes in to be so powerful is because the picture story for me is really there. And I'm, as y'all know, exceptionally visual. I like a good picture story, I love a good video. Um, but also because I come from really hard stuff. I come from an abusive background, and as harsh and as ugly and as nasty as that abuse was, um, there are probably thousands, if not millions, of people, prayerfully, not more than that. God please not, but but people that have lived much worse than I ever had to endure, ever. Um, that he would love us and make a way that we can overcome that horrific time in our life by healing us, and then take it even further by allowing us to then speak to how we've been redeemed, how our story has been healed, how we were able to overcome such horrible circumstances. That is an amazing God, y'all. That is an incredible, incredible father who loves his daughters and sons with every ounce of his being. He loves us. And it gets me, it gets me choked up to think that even knowing that I would have to go through what I went through because there were men in my life who made horrific decisions that impacted me in a way that um would brand my memories, but he redeemed that through an amazing marriage, through two beautiful children, and some babies up in heaven, um, and that he loved me then as much as he will love me in the future. Like he loves me wholly, completely, totally, so much so that he chose to create me and then take me and use me to help grow this kingdom even bigger. It's such a gift. Oh, it's such a gift. Y'all, I just um I want to say thank you. Thanks for joining me today. If you're still here with me at the end, uh if you're brand new, definitely give us a follow on social media. Uh, you can watch on YouTube, and if you're watching, you can see things in social media. If you're listening on your favorite podcast app, but would prefer a visual, jump on YouTube. We have it up there as well. I do video and I do audio. So come take a listen. Definitely share my story with others you know. If my story will help someone you know, maybe in a time where they feel hopeless and helpless, I would love, love it if you would share my podcast with them. Um, and definitely DM me, y'all. I love a good message. I love to hear more questions. Um, I love to hear from people who need me to be thinking and praying for them. Um, I'm here for it. Like if my story can help one of you out there, then I know that I am doing what God's called me to, and that is sharing it. And so with that, I'm gonna leave you for now. But please always know there is room for you here at this table, no matter where you are in your healing journey. And um, thank God if you're not having to heal from anything. Thank God if you're already healed, and you're just here because you like listening to my southern size and my Christian knees. I appreciate y'all. Have a great day, and I'll see you next time. Bye bye, bye, y'all.