Sitting In The Middle of It

Amy had a thought today: the desire to want better can be spoken out loud, but without action, those words eventually lose meaning. In this episode of The Edwards Table, Amy talks honestly about what it feels like to sit in the middle of frustration, longing, healing, and hope—and how easy it is to stay stuck while desperately wanting change.

She explores the importance of acknowledging where you truly are, giving your hopes and dreams a name, and recognizing that being “stuck” is not the same thing as being still. Sometimes stuck feels frantic, suffocating, and hopeless. But true stillness invites trust, surrender, and confidence in who God is.

Through reflection on Psalm 46:10 — “Be still, and know that I am God” — Amy shares encouragement for anyone wrestling with fear, uncertainty, or the tension between where they are and where they want to be.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Hi, I'm Amy Edwards, and welcome to the Edwards Table. This podcast is all about real conversations, the kind that come from life, love, family, friendship, and all the messy, beautiful parts in between. I started this show because I believe in redemption stories and in sitting down together to talk about the things that shape us, heal us, and sometimes just make us laugh. So grab a seat, take a breath, and join me. Because there's always room for you here at the Edwards Table. Well, hey y'all, and welcome back to the Edwards Table Podcast. My name is Amy Edwards, and I'm so glad you're here today. Um joining me this month. It has been a good start to the month of May. I don't know for you all uh what that looks like. Sometimes Mother's Day can be a little tricky. I know I've had tough ones in the past and great ones and whatnot, but hopefully your May is off to a great start. But just uh last week, you know, kind of talking about gossip, it kind of hit me. I don't know, um, you know, I'm always transparent around here. So just really struggling with seeing some people like either in my life or through other friends' lives or whatever. And this has been like a a theme lately of this gossip situation. So anyway, my heart was kind of broken by that, and um, it just took me back to years ago when I wrote that piece that I shared with you last time about I am who God says I am, not everybody else. Well, then, you know, yesterday I literally was just talking to John about this. Um, my husband, if you haven't been around, that's my fella of almost uh, well, it's 29 years. And um, I was telling him, you know, yesterday I'd had like a funky day, not a good day, and uh was talking to him about how I kind of handled myself today, which was a much better day, much, much, much, much better day. And with that, um I got myself up this morning, read the Bible for a little bit, read a book that I'm reading for a small group that I lead, and then took Ruby on a walk. But in the midst, I was frustrated because I really and truly have been mulling in my head, what am I going to talk about these next few weeks on the podcast? And nothing was coming to mind. You know, I have so many stories that I've shared already, and so many more that I have yet to share, right? But um topic-wise, it's just like, okay, Rando story. I mean, that just felt icky. And so, kind of in the in the family of, you know, healing, right, which is what my journey is all about, is just this healing process for me. There were a few things that came to mind. And so today I'm gonna kind of talk through one of those three, and then each week for the rest of the month, I'm actually gonna talk on the other two topics that I came up with, but just kind of the overarching of what it looks like to maybe be seated in the midst of grieving and messy and hard, whatever that is. So when I talk about grieving, uh for me, I've had to grieve a lot of things throughout my life. I've had to grieve the fact that I never had a father that really loved me and that really took good care of me. I have had to grieve the loss of children that I have miscarried, um, that I'm aborted, that um were honorary Edwards for a short while or a long while as foster children, and we had to let them go back home. Like I've had to grieve loss of a lot of different things like that. Um, I've had to grieve different seasons of my life. So as a mom, I have two bio kids that are now grown adults. Um, but like different seasons of parenting I've had to grieve. And now I'm on the cusp of becoming a true empty nester. Our youngest is uh 22, Maddie, you've met her. And um like there's a grieving that goes with that, y'all. I've had to grieve my career. Like I had a career job that I loved and um enjoyed, loved the people I worked with, and I had to grieve the loss of that because there came a point where I needed to walk away from my job and I needed to go out and help John start this company as a family-owned business, which is what we did last year. So, like a lot of the grieving things, right? Um, but with that said, when we're grieving, um, I know that for me personally, I can get into a place of being stuck and um stuck sometimes long term, like for months, maybe even years, getting stuck in a certain pattern or a certain way of thinking, a certain way of behaving, whatever. Or it can just be a temporary. Like for yesterday, I was stuck. I got stuck for a good bit of yesterday, just being super funky, super blue, um, right down to angry. I mean, by the end of the day, I was just tired and frustrated. Um, and in those times, I think, you know, it's so easy to stay there because it's what feels comfortable. But when I was out this morning on my walk, pitching my baby fit because I still didn't know exactly what I was gonna talk to y'all about today. This is something that I wrote down that I'm gonna read to you. It's very quick. But but kind of thinking about like today's episode title, sitting in the middle of it. And like you could put a sh at the front of the it, and you start to sit in things, you're gonna smell like them, good, bad, or otherwise, correct? So thinking about that, like sitting in the middle of it. But this is what came to my mind the desire to want better can be spoken, right? So I want better, I want things to get better, but it's meaningless unless there's action. So let me say that another way. No matter how badly we want our situation to improve, no matter how many words we say, good, bad, or cussing, no matter how many times we cry or we ask, you know, cry out to the Lord for the why behind it, right? Unless we take action with what it is we want, the situation won't change. It's it's not gonna move forward, nothing is gonna be different. It it may just be that we're saying different words, but the situation is identical to what it's been. So the desire to want better can be spoken, but it's absolutely meaningless without action. Gotta have action. So when I was thinking over this, you know, um, my head immediately started kind of coming together with some thoughts and things like that. And so in the situation, and maybe you are with me on this healing journey, maybe you've had a lot of trauma in your life, or you've made some really bad choices in your life, and you're trying to move past that. You're trying to move on and start anew, or maybe you have started anew, but but you're finding, ugh, somehow, you know, I thought I had moved ahead and I I had healed from all of this, but yet here I am again um stuck, stuck. So if any of you are out there sitting in it right now, give me a hand raise. Hey, two hands on the wheel if you're driving. But definitely, I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not. Um, and so one of the things is is figuring out actually where are you right now? Like what is it that you're trying to move on from and where are you in the process? So when I started thinking about where are where are, where am I in my situation? Like, um, because I guess let me backtrack and say this. Part of what spurred me to, I think, speak about this is my rough day yesterday. So thankfully, I don't allow myself to stay there long term, but it does take usually a good kick in the butt before I kind of perk up and when I say perk up, I don't mean get happy, but I mean actually pull my eyes up and pay attention to what's going on outside of just the pity party for one. So, first and foremost, we have to acknowledge where we are in the process. So, like where you are, acknowledging it. Okay, Amy, literally, I am sitting in a pig pen, just full of slop and gross and nasty. I'm surrounded by people that are not healthy. I'm surrounded by things that are not healthy. I'm watching porn, I'm watching, you know, social media constantly flicking. I am filling myself up with drugs because it takes the edge off. I take some pills to get me happy, so some pills to go to bed. Uh, I'm I'm having a couple of drinks today because I need, you know, to feel better about the day. I need to kind of take the edge off, if you will, right? Um I'm I'm I'm gorgeo eating late at night when my family's gone to bed, and I can do that by myself and in private. I think the most important thing, no matter where you are, and no matter what you're struggling with, and it may not be that dramatic, y'all. Don't hear me say it has to be some huge big deal, or it might be it might be that you're really struggling with something big. The I would say biggest and most important thing is to put a pen right there and say, this is where I am, right? It's kind of like when you're doing directions on a map and you have your starting point, but then we're gonna talk about it too, your ending point as well. So we need to know where are we starting. And let me also say this transparency is absolutely imperative. You cannot have a starting point if you're lying about it. So if you struggle with an eating disorder, you can't gloss over the fact that you are a substantial amount of weight underweight, or you maintain your weight, but it's because you are throwing up your food. You can't do that and say, Oh, well, it's not that big of a deal. I just sometimes don't want to eat as much or whatever, when your reality is much more severe. Um, alcohol, you're drinking every day or drinking every so often, but you're drinking for the same reason every time. You need to be honest and transparent with that. Food, pornography, um, just being on your phone constantly, like you're you've got TV on, but you're flicking through your phone. You wake up, you got your phone in your hand, you're flicking through it. Your family talks to you and you miss half of what they say because you're looking in your phone. There's a problem, right? Great. And are you acknowledging that? Are you giving it a true name of saying, hey, this is my starting point of where I am, and I know I'm really stuck here? And I also know I don't really want to stay here, right? So acknowledge it, give it a good name and a good starting point. The other thing that I would say then is from that acknowledging it, then it's time to take the opportunity to think about, well, then now what do you want? And allow yourself opportunity to have hopes and dreams, but actually give it a name. Like, for me, really struggling with getting par, like, I don't want to use the term paralyzed, I think that's disrespectful to people who actually physically are terrible are paralyzed. Um, but but this just this complete stuckness that I will get into, and it also entails depression. So like I will get up in the morning, and even if sometimes I'll read my Bible, you know, that is a great way to start your day, but that doesn't guarantee your day, right? If I don't have a ton of maybe to-dos for the day, or I'm not leaving the house for multiple days in a row, or whatever the case may be, um it can it can become a day where I can get really stuck in my phone. And I will just sit and flick and flick and flick and flick and flick, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. And I'll look up and 30 minutes, an hour, two hours have gone by, and I am stiff, I can't move easily because I've been sitting still for so long. Like I legitimately will do that. And then when that happens, typically uh the shaming, self-shaming starts to come in and that sets in. And then the conversations that I have in my mind are absolutely not healthy, not helpful, not productive. They're not moving me in any good direction except down. And then from there, it'll go one or two ways. I'll either stay stuck, or sometimes I will be able to make a decision to actually get up and go do something. So when I talk about like this concept of like being stuck in a pattern or a rhythm, uh, whether it be for a day, a month, a week, a year, whatever it may be. Um being stuck is not the same thing as being still. And God tells us and commands us, he doesn't request it or or gently remind us that we should or might want to. He commands it. Be still, be still. It is a command I have given to my children. I couldn't even count the number of times for whatever the reason may be, but be still. And there's a comma after that, and then it says, and know that I am God. This passage of scripture comes from Psalm 46, and that's actually from verse 10, but the whole psalm is so beautiful. It's not super long, it's only those 10 or maybe 11 verses, but um again, King David, let me some King David, uh, he has just this whole season of his life, I think it's like 15, 20 years, where he is going to war constantly and is being chased after King Saul, and uh even after King Saul dies, he's still being chased after and warred with. And so there are many um Psalms that King David wrote, and they are based on times where he is in that situation, in that scenario of being at war, and just crying out to God and telling God, like, please don't forget me and please don't forsake me, leave me, stay with me, God, and help me to overcome my enemies, right? Well, here it says, you know, he says, God says, be still and know that I am God. And it goes on to explain, like, I will take care of everything. And I think the misconception we have a lot of times when we are trying to heal or we are trying to make a change in our life for the better, right? Like we're trying to face our our addiction, face our um our past trauma, face our um past abuse, face whatever it is, and we and we get in those stuck spaces. One of the most important things is to remember being stuck is not the same as being still. Being still is to give ourselves opportunity to turn off our phone, turn off our TV, shut down the world, if you will, in our life, and allow God in it. It doesn't require us talking, it doesn't require us doing anything other than literally being still. In those moments, we definitely can read in the Bible, you know, read some Bible verses and maybe glean some great information from what God is trying to tell us or teach us in our moment. And then also is a time of definitely of prayer, like to be able to invite God into a conversation with us so that we can confess to him, hey, I am still struggling. I am still really, really, really not able to get myself up and Adam and whatever else. And so with that, I just wanted to share a personal story of what that looks like for me. So, like I said yesterday, Hot Mess Express, I was the conductor of the train and um I was so disappointed by the time I went to bed last night with myself and just the way my day worked out and whatever else, that it was so hard to even settle in and go to sleep last night. Like I just, I don't know. I get myself all in a twit. I'm really good at it. Stick around. If you haven't been here, you'll you'll find out fast. You'll feel really good about yourself. I can promise you that. Suffice it to say that when I did go to bed last night, I was ready to be done with the day. And so I went to sleep and I woke up this morning, and I had to literally tell myself in my head before I open my eyes and truly put my feet to the ground. I quoted this scripture, which is this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Now, when we quote scripture, let me just say this is not like some magic spell that God is working on our situation. Okay. Uh, we are not like given magic wands and things of this nature. But also when God speaks through his word, the Holy Spirit will talk to us, will open our heart and our mind up to receive things that maybe we weren't able to receive before. So, case in point, yesterday I absolutely was not open to receiving anything. And I was bowed up, got my quills ready to just quill the stew out of everybody that came by. Like I was on for a fight. I was ready to fight, kind of a thing. And so starting the day off, just repeatedly saying that over and again. This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Here's what it makes me remember that God created this day, and I am living to be able to enjoy it, to experience it, to do life for another day. And that is such a gift. And then I think about the next phrase, right? Um, I will rejoice and be glad in it. It doesn't say that because I'm happy and because things are going really easy and whatever else, then I'm gonna be happy, then I'm gonna be rejoicing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's saying that this is another day that I'm given another chance to make a difference in others' lives because God created me the way he did. Okay, and then because of that, I'm gonna rejoice and I'm gonna be glad in it. Well, I can assure you there will be no RBF on this face if I'm rejoicing and being glad in it. However, the face is what definitely tells everybody on the outside what the inside is thinking, 110%. I do tend to be very thoughtful, and so I will say my RBF, not because I'm always in a bad mood. However, it can be, and yesterday definitely it was. So taking that walk this morning for me was my opportunity to really give myself that pen of where I'm starting my day off. Well, really back it up to in the bed when I said spoke that scripture. This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. And I said it over and again until I got my fanny up out of that bed. But putting that pen in it to give it a starting place and then to be able to say, okay, I am gonna take the rest of the opportunity of today, I'm gonna be rejoicing and being glad that God gave me this day, that I have another opportunity to get up and do whatever it is he calls me to. And y'all, if I were not here sitting here telling you this, I I can't even believe it is. So I go on this walk, I put my headphones in and I listen to some worship music because I do find when I am really battling in my head, um, and I have a very loud voice to myself, I'm very negative to myself, I'm very hard on my on myself. Um, I overthink constantly, I constantly go back to conversations and think through them and put them in a different order, a different way. I could have said things or say different things in my head, which is ridiculous because, girl, the conversation's over. Ma'am, go sit down. Sit down all the days. Like, what are you gonna say? You've already said it, the person's already received it. Okay, there is no rewind button on this girl. So, anyway, um, I go on this walk and and I've got my worship music playing really loud because that drowns out my personal voice in my head where I just am beating the stew up out of myself. And finally, I could turn it down a little bit. I could tell, you know, I'm back to a more of a state of calm, if you will. And it was so evident to me that God was just allowing me to now hear him. And I don't know about you. But being still for me is really hard. It's physically hard from uh physical, like my actual body, because if you watch me on YouTube, you see my hands. I mean, like right now, they are all over the place because I'm just I talk with my hands, I move my face, I have facial expressions. I am not being still. Um, but then also my heart and my mind, getting them to be still, where my thoughts aren't racing. Um, I'm not going into a thought process of being negative or um damaging to myself or even to others, you know, jumping into gossip or anything like that. So being still is something, it's very clear that God had to command us to do that. Um, but it comes with a gift that He gives, right? He gives us the ability to then rejoice and be glad in the day because He opens us up to receiving things. So for me, it was I had a very clear path forward for not just this week's podcast, but the next two weeks, which is huge. It's so exciting because I'm actually talking about things of value and I'm actually sharing super personal stuff that I'm going through in the real time, right? To be able to show you, like, I get it. Just because I might have overcome some really big obstacles in my life, it doesn't mean that day to day isn't hard and that day to day I don't have to remind myself and beg for God to help me day in, day out, um, be the woman that He's called me to be, to teach me, Lord, like teach me how to be still. Um, and I think initially when I would hear those words, I would always think, oh, you've got to be like, I don't know, like sitting on a yoga mat meditating, um, which is asinine. Um, but in order to be still with my thoughts, for me, physical activity is necessary. I need to get out and take a walk. Also, Ruby needs a walk, so twofer, let's do them both. Um, but it allows my mind to calm down enough and to where my thoughts aren't so crazy that I can't get them out on paper, if you will. That thought coming to me today, which again is the desire to want to be better, can be spoken, but is meaningless without action. I would have never been able to do that if I had gotten up this morning and allowed myself to be frantic in my head, where my head is just churning and going and going and going. Um, if I hadn't stopped my day and gone outside and taken a walk, that sunshine and getting vitamin D, getting some fresh air, sweating a little bit, because hello, Texas, uh, and May, we're, you know, rocking the 90 degree mark, I think, here lately. Had I not done those things and allowed myself stillness in my spirit, I wouldn't be here today. I actually literally had planned to like put out a social media post and just tell y'all, hey, sorry, we're not gonna have an episode for the first time this year on a Wednesday. Um, but thankfully God heard my cry for help and definitely helped me out today. So those are my kind of thoughts for you today, y'all. Nothing super long and super deep, if I'm honest. It's honestly, I find living a healthy and a balanced life as I'm trying to heal, it's not that it's so complicated. It's not difficult things that I have to do in terms of like comprehending, okay, these are gonna be helpful things for your life. And um, by practicing them, it makes them better. But I think where it gets hard and where it gets difficult is the showing up, the saying yes to me every single day. Hey, Amy, we are gonna make these choices and we are gonna move closer to the Lord by doing these things. Um, that's where it gets hard. That's where it gets difficult, that's where you get worn out and tired and want to quit. And if there's one thing that I have been wired for, it's not to quit. Even on the hard days, I still know I've got to get up and I got to keep moving ahead. So, with that said, you all just remember you are always welcome at this table. The Edwards table, free game for anyone. So always make sure you join us each week, Wednesday. I put out a new episode for you all. And I can't wait for the upcoming two episodes that kind of tie in all together that take us on this journey. Today we're talking about sitting in the middle of it. Next week, if you join, we're gonna talk about it's time to move on. And then the following week after that, I'm gonna touch on keep moving forward. And if you know me, you know that is one of my big mantras that I live by. Keep moving forward. So, in the meantime, y'all have a great week ahead, and always remember there is a seat right here for you at the Edwards table. Till next time.