Unloading the Past

What if the things you've carried for years are the very things keeping you from moving forward?

In this first episode of a four-part series on moving from surviving to thriving, Amy begins with a difficult but necessary step: unloading the past. Whether it's pain, disappointment, regret, unhealthy patterns, or stories you've been telling yourself for years, carrying yesterday's weight can make it impossible to fully embrace today.

Through personal reflection and practical encouragement, Amy explores why we often hold on to things that no longer serve us and how releasing them creates space for healing, growth, and hope. This episode isn't about pretending the past didn't happen—it's about learning how to stop letting it define your future.

If you're tired of simply surviving and ready to begin thriving, this conversation is a place to start.

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Transcript

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Hi, I'm Amy Edwards and welcome to the Edwards Table. This podcast is all about real conversations, the kind that come from life, love, family, friendship, and all the messy, beautiful parts in between. I started this show because I believe in redemption stories and in sitting down together to talk about the things that shape us, heal us, and sometimes just make us laugh. So grab a seat, take a breath, and join me. Because there's always room for you here at the Edwards Table. Well, hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of the Edwards Table. I am Amy Edwards and I am your host for this podcast. And if you've been with us, thank you so much for joining again this week. And if you're brand new, welcome. Super glad to have you here at our table for this conversation. So season one of this podcast, which was launched uh July of 2025, started with my story. So I sat down at my actual kitchen table and told my story to my daughter, and then kicked off season two and have been running with that the rest of this year, which has been just kind of my whole journey of like this healing process, uh things that I still struggle with, what I've done in order to overcome that and and whatnot. And so as we're kind of winding down this season, if you will, and winding down this year, I know it's not calendar year, uh, but podcast year for season two, is just to talk about this whole concept for me, which was going from a place where I was um surviving to then move into a season or a place of thriving. And I think if you've listened at all, you've probably taken away the fact that healing is not an event, it's a journey. Um, much like grieving, it is a process, and um with healing comes scars, especially if you've had some pretty big gaping wounds. And so it's just this ongoing process that I am in, and I am confident I'll be living until I leave this planet. But I think um I think part of what I'm learning along the way is that piece, right? That this is an is not an event. It it takes time and it takes grace and it takes awareness and it takes uh strong people around you. So there's so much that goes into the healing process. Um but as you move out of the real tender, sore spots, if you will, of your wounds, and and they are starting to heal up. Um, and you're not having to live in this state of survival, uh, definitely it's time to move into a state of thriving. And so I've kind of broken it out into four pieces, if you will. And today we're gonna talk about the first one, and then the rest of the month, each week I'm gonna kind of unpack what I have been learning and what I'm trying to practice. I mean, I'm gonna be really honest with you all, which I am if you know me already. Um, this for me is not easy. However, having this podcast has been rather cathartic in terms of um, even though I have to pull out old stuff, and if you know me, you know I love a good Tiffany box, that beautiful Tiffany blue with a white satin ribbon. So I have to, I package my trauma in those so I can tuck them up on the shelf and and put them away when I don't need them. But you know, for this podcast, I've been able to kind of pull them down and open them up and share bits and pieces of those with you. Um, and so I just really kind of want to dive in today and talk about, you know, the the whole concept of of this survival mode. And so when I was preparing for this week's episode, I jotted down um a survival versus thriving kind of a uh list, if you will. And so I'm gonna kind of go down my list and just give you this literally was just a brainstorm. This is not polished. If you could see the paper, there's scratches and scribbles, arrows and lines and all the things, but just kind of looking at it and thinking about when I've been in a state of surviving, I'm very much my spirit animal is the porcupine. I um may have a cute little nose to look at or whatever, but then like if you get too close, I'm gonna quill you. Um typically I am a more angry human. Um I'm very much in a protective mode, both of myself and my loved ones. Um I tend to hide myself. I know I've said on this podcast before, uh I tend to be like a turtle where I pull back into that shell just to protect myself. There are many times where I become apathetic, anxious, very controlling. Uh, you can assure yourself if I'm in survival mode, I'm a control fanatic. Um hustling to get things over with, like I just want to be done. And so it's it kind of leans into apathy, like I don't even care, just figure it out and fix it. I don't, I don't care, kind of a situation. Always that mentality too of waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's very much a survival mode skill for me. Um and then I tend to be very quick in sense of like judging things and then finding a solution, fixing it, and moving on. Survive, survive, survive, right? But then when I put down thoughts about when I'm thriving, when I am actually experiencing that and not in that, you know, survival protective mode, if you will, thriving for me is absolutely a peaceful time. Um I find that I am really leaning into enjoying the little things, small things. I mean, it could be as simple as being outside and getting a a waft of fresh flowers and being able to smell my rose bushes. Like, oh, that just makes me so happy. I love that. And it's it's such a a small thing, but but I tend to be enjoying things, the little things like that. Um let's see. Oh, definitely I am not hiding. I'm out there sharing my life with other people. So case in point, here I am on this podcast, right? Uh, but no, I mean, especially opening up my home, letting people come over and things like that, because there's nothing to hide. I have nothing to hide. Um, and I don't try to fake or feign who I am or or kind of what my life looks like inside my closed doors, if you will. Um, trying new things is another one that I love about myself is that I'm willing to try new things when I'm in that spirit of thriving. I definitely uh feel good in my own skin. I feel confident. Um, it doesn't mean, please understand, like in this season of my life, if you will, again, speaking a little Christianese, but uh we speak in seasons. We like things that grow and uh talk about plants a lot, farming and whatnot. But but just thinking about like in a time of thriving for me, which right now I would definitely say I am in a thriving season, definitely life right now. I'm very much thriving where I am. Um but I let's see how do I want to say this? I feel comfortable in my own skin in the sense of um not being overwhelmed if you know there's stuff going on um like gossiping or somebody says something that maybe hurts my feelings or whatever, that's not gonna just take me down in in a season like this. What it'll do is it may make me angry in the in the midst. Like I get irritated when people mistreat one another. It just the J in me from Myers Briggs, the justice, oh, very strong, very strong strip of justice in my spirit. And so when I see people mistreating others or even me, you know, like that will that will get me going. But it it doesn't uh control my life. It might be a uh time where I sit down, I think about it, and maybe I have to vent a little bit because I get angry, but it's not something that consumes me, if you will. So that's what I'm talking about there, and then um finding ways to be thankful. If I have, if you well, if you've not joined before, you haven't heard me say this, but I have talked along the way about how powerful um gratitude is. And you know, I've shared many parts of my story, and one being when when we lost everything, having to find ways to be thankful, thankful in the moment, when when you're having, you know, your two cars repossessed, you're losing your home, uh, you're having to sell off everything that you own just to try to have money to buy groceries, you're walking to an empty pantry, um, you know, utilities are being cut off regularly, that kind of a thing. Trying to find ways to be grateful, even in those really hard situations, that is definitely a season of thriving, like being able to be sure of your situation and where you're headed, whether or not it looks like what you think it should in the moment, but you can move past the fear of it, right? And then the last thing I put down was seeing past the circumstances. So a little bit more uh deep of what I just said is, you know, even though you are maybe in a tough spot, I mean, I I definitely have been lately with some different things in my personal life, but it doesn't um it doesn't bog me down because I'm able to see past the the here and now and know that there's a future ahead. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, there is a rainbow at the end of that storm, you know, those kinds of thoughts and that kind of mentality. And so, you know, you listen to this whole list of back and forth, you know, surviving v thriving. And okay, great. Amy, so you told us, you know, kind of what you think uh in terms of your own life and what that looks like, but um kind of similar to figuring out when you're stuck, how do you figure out that you're in survival mode? And then how do you move into the mode of thriving? Well, hey friend, thanks for asking. Super glad you did. That's what we're gonna chat about today. So, for today's episode, really and truly what I want to jump into is talking about how to unload your past. If you've heard me tell any of my story, I joke around a lot. Um, I will say things that are cheeky or sarcastic, and one of which I always say is that I brought a boxcar load of childhood trauma and all kinds of emotional baggage and whatever else. I like brought a train car just packed to my relationship and marriage with John. And so thinking about having to unload that, it is overwhelming, it sounds horrible, it sounds like a lot of work, it sounds like no fun, it sounds like a lot of really bad stuff, right? And I will be honest, to unload my past has been a journey, it has been um just ongoing work, and it isn't always easy, however, it is so worthwhile. It is so good to be able to pull some of that old trauma out and be able to unhitch it from my train, if you will. Um, so how have I gone about unloading that childhood trauma, let's say? And if you've been listening, you already know lots of stories that I've shared, right, about um being sexually abused by my father, um, you know, verbally and physically abused along the way. Like, uh, there's a lot to share there. Um, but like, how do you take all of that and really take that off of what is going step by step with me the rest of my life? Um, and first and foremost, I just want you to understand if you have gone through anything like this in your own life or you have a loved one that has gone through anything like this. Um, it it does not diminish the what has happened. Um, it does not diminish the who did the things at all. But what it does do is it takes the burden off of the victim. And so, you know, unloading my past has a kind of a multi-layer look, if you will, of how I actually have been allowing myself to do this. And it's it's actually very simple. I mean, literally, if you ever listen to me talk, there's not a lot of big words, there's not a lot of difficult things in terms of comprehension. It's just I'm telling you, there's a lot of work that's involved and just showing up day in, day out, and being willing to. So, in terms of unloading my past, three quick things that have been integral in me allowing that to happen in my own life. So, first and foremost is to identify it. So, looking at my own life and figuring out the people, the things, the stuff that either is from my past that is still a part of my my current life, albeit people, things, situations that I hang on to. So, actually identifying what needs to go. Well, that really is two parts. And this is the gist of it. One is is once you know what the things are, right, from your past, or that are helping you to hold on to your past. So I'll give you for instances. One for me would be identifying people in my life who are either behaving similarly to abusers, let's say, in my past, or are related to people who are abusive or very good friends or whatever else, right? So identifying those people and then figuring out if they really are holding me on to my past, like if they're tethering me there, if you will, or not. So, not necessarily because somebody has a similar trait in their personality to your abuser, does that mean that they are holding you in your past? However, there are many times where that is a valid concern and a valid point. And so identifying these things is the first step, figuring those things out, right? And then, you know, I literally I take a sheet of paper, I'm very much a paper gal, and I would write a full list of those those things that are somehow tied to my past. And then from there, then comes the question for each item, and that is is this person or thing holding me to my past, like holding me back and making me stay in my past, or is this person or is this thing moving me forward? So we've identified the people and the things, and then look at that list and give it a yes, it's helping me to move forward, or no, it's keeping me stuck in my past. And so thinking about that, I'll give you some examples for me personally. For instance, in my childhood, I shared that my father sexually molested me. There is a bit of disagreement between me and my mom about what actually happened. And so it's not something that we talk about and haven't talked about in many, many, many, many, many years. But with that came me having to learn that those conversations were not helping me move forward. Me trying to defend what I knew to be true when it wasn't met with support did not mean that I had to say it didn't happen. And it also didn't mean that I had to continually have the conversation, right? So there's this passage in scripture, and I'm very sad to say it just popped into my head. And so, you know how I am with the handle. I can't ever remember book, chapter, and verse sometimes. I want to say it's in the book of Matthew, but please don't quote me. Um, but it's Jesus talking and teaching, and he makes this statement about not putting your pearls before swine. Now, it sounds really harsh, like, you know, don't be giving your crown jewels over to a pig, right? But think about that for a moment. Like when you have a very nice piece of jewelry, you would not take it and go put it on your farm animal, right? Like, that wouldn't even make sense. One, they couldn't appreciate it. Two, knowing pigs, they would eat it. Um three, it's also just a ridiculous idea. And so I think about that passage of scripture when I'm trying to gauge like people in my life and letting go of things and whatnot, can they even appreciate what it is I'm trying to share with them? Um, can they truly understand what it is? And you know, so for me and my mom in that situation, that it's just not, it's not a conversation that makes progress in moving me to a healthy spot or uh moving me forward. And so what I learned along the way, and I know I've shared before, is Dr. Cloud's book, Boundaries. I read that at my therapist's request, and it just opened up my mind to the idea of creating healthy boundaries with people, also including my family. Um, I really struggled with that. That was really a difficult thing for me to understand, and it was a difficult thing for me to do only because I'd never practiced it before. And when you're learning how to do something in your mid to late 20s, it takes time and it takes repetition and it takes failure in order to succeed. And so healthy boundaries by far is definitely one of the skills that I have learned along this healing journey in terms of protecting myself from putting my valuable pieces of me in front of people that truly can't understand or appreciate those parts. Um, because not everything about me is meant to be out in front of every single person. So that first and foremost, for me, that's kind of a personal experience in how I've started unloading my past. Um, I think another thing that I have worked on over these years is after identifying this list, if you will, um is truly learning how to let things go. And I will tell y'all, I typically have a death grip on conversation, situally everything like death grip. I want to hold on to it, I want to rehash it, I want to have the conversation four more times in my head and then two more times in person, and death grip. You gotta come and literally peel my fingers one by one off of something that I have a a grip on. But when I had shared, you know, over the past few weeks, I've been sharing about like being stuck and then how to how to learn how to move forward again, right? Well, in order to move from surviving where I guess this is the best picture I have because I was a trained lifeguard uh back in my like college days, early adult years, um, and it was vitally important to know how to do uh these different ways of rescuing people because it wasn't that I was a lifeguard per se, it was because I helped run a summer camp and I had young babies. I had kindergarten through second grade kiddos, uh, but also we had children with special needs who could swim, but also we were going out to a lake. And so we had to all be trained in how to deal with these situations. And it my training got put to use multiple times. Um and thinking about someone who is in water and they're shifting into this survival mode where they are panicking, where they are grabbing onto you and trying as hard as they can to hold on to you, but because they're panicking, they're they're hanging on you. So this is like dead weight that's pulling you under, right? And so when we were trained, we were trained to be very uh decisive in our turning bodies away from us. So we would always have people's backs to us, and we would also have them shifted over uh to the right or to the left, depending on where you know, where we could pull them in, but like tucking their head close to our shoulder to where we could use our chin to kind of hold them all together, if you will. So if you're watching, you can kind of see like. I've got my my arm cradled, and then you know I can have someone's arms over my arm and their body up against mine, but their legs are are split between mine. So like if they're kicking, I still can keep us afloat. And if their arms are flailing, um, they are in front of me instead of in my face. And so just learning these different techniques of being pulled under and how to, you know, resituate someone's body to make sure that the danger is going away from me, but I am bringing them to safety, right? So it's just a vivid picture to me of when I am in a survival mode, I act like the drowning swimmer where I'm panicking and their arms flailing, and potentially you're gonna get a bloody nose or a busted lip from me because I'm smacking all around, I'm kicking everywhere, whatever. Um, but to be able to calmly handle a situation like that is very much what thriving is all about. It's being able to recognize the person is drowning, right? Yourself. You can see it now. Um, and that is because you've made the effort to go down this list of all of the people and the things that tether you to your past, and then very carefully you're going to remove those. And so, like I said, for me, the boundaries was huge, huge, huge. Um, the willingness to have the hard conversations was another thing for me. Um, I think the other thing that I have done also is completely removing certain people and certain things out of my life. Um, and it's not to say I'm perfect at this, especially the things, and I'll talk more about that here in a second, but like people, for instance, I tend to have a pretty strong intuition about me. So I read people pretty well, and I'm usually pretty spot on, very quickly, kind of a thing. And I've learned over the course of this healing journey that's very much a response that I've learned because of all the trauma I've endured. So uh it's a skill set that I have acquired, albeit I don't wish it on anyone, but it definitely is a great one to have. And so, very quickly for me, if I am seeing someone who is not adding value to my growth, it's not difficult for me to step away from that person. Now, if it's someone I've invested in for a while, I tend to be a little bit slower to step away, but I distance myself and step back and step back until eventually I'm not there anymore, kind of a situation. Um because I'll I'll be very honest, I'm rounding the corner of 52, and um my children are either on their own or getting ready to be on their own completely. And so obviously, time is less than it was before uh in terms of how long I'll be on this planet, and so wasting life and time with someone who is going to bring up horrid, awful feelings and things of my past, it's not something I really am into. Um, and so it's a lot easier for me now than it was before. So please don't be deceived in thinking that I've been amazing at like cutting off a person who's not healthy uh very quick and fast and and whatnot. Um it's not been that simple until more recently. But it's always been something that I've known, like if I see that in a person, I know that they're not good for me. Um and I know that I have to make that decision and and move on. Even if it breaks my heart, makes me cry, all the tears, and makes me sad. Um, living in my past and staying tethered there in that constant survival mode is not worth it to me. So that definitely something that I am very passionate about, cutting out the the people that are bringing me down or that are are just not helping me move forward. Whether they bring me down or not, even if they help me to be complacent, I don't need that in my life. I don't need somebody to help me be lazy. Uh I'm I'm really good at that on my own. Like you girl here got that on lock. I can be lazy all the days. Um, but in terms of things, I said I would speak on that uh here in a minute. Well, in terms of things, so a couple that pop into my head, first and foremost is food. Uh, I know you've heard me talk about if you've been here, about my my battle with my weight and uh food, definitely a big why behind that. Um and then in my 20s and starting into my 30s, why I hung out onto so much weight and because I didn't want to feel beautiful. And so identifying that as something that I was utilizing as punishment for my past, definitely big red flag for I was in survival mode and I was not allowing myself to learn how to thrive. And so food for me was a big one. Um, another thing was my time in terms of taking care of myself, so like setting aside time to exercise, setting aside time to rest, setting aside time to pour back into me. So have a hobby, go do some fun things, you know, that kind of a thing. Uh, those would be things that I had to learn, you know, the bad stuff I needed to knock off. Now clearly you have to eat, but instead of filling my house full of snacky, junky stuff, which I love, you girl here can eat some chips and cookies, really and truly any food. I'm a foodie, I love all food. Um learning that I I just wasn't gonna keep a lot of that in my home because I don't have self-control. And um, none of us do, I don't think. It's definitely a practice and it it took some time to figure out how to do it. But even then, I was like, no, you know, I don't old habits die hard. I decided years ago that I just I didn't want to have a ton of that kind of food in my home. And even to this day, like I have lots that you can cook in my house, but I don't have a ton of snacky stuff that's all in my home because I know I'm gonna eat it if there is. So kind of we've been talking a lot about, you know, this like what has to be let go, what you need to walk away from, what you need to pare down, take out, whatever, um in terms of people and in terms of things. And I this is gonna be reliant on your own personal situation. Um, there are gonna be some battles that you have to have in your own mind and heart about, especially I think about people, like, you know, if they're related to you, uh, if they should be in a protective role and they're not, you know, what does that look like and what does that mean? And two things I would encourage you on. One is have someone that will speak with wisdom to you. Wisdom is not what makes you feel good, wisdom is the truth. And uh we don't live in a day and an age where the truth is something that we all like to sit in. Um, in fact, uh we are very guilty of saying what we think will make everyone around us happy and whatnot. We're very much a pleasing culture, and that's unfortunate because only being a pleaser and not being a truth teller is very detrimental to all of us as humans. Um, it's a big lie that we wind up believing in and then are devastated when we figure out it is indeed a lie. So find someone who will tell you the truth. And if you don't have someone that you feel comfortable with in your own life personally, definitely I would recommend finding a therapist because you need someone to be able to talk things out with and that are going to actually give you good feedback of how to take steps forward instead of staying stuck or you know, how to figure out how to move into a season of thriving. And then as interesting as it is to say it, this is very true. So now that you've kind of gone through your list and you've checked off all the things that are holding you back, what on that list is still moving you ahead? Because you know, it's it's so funny. Uh, just because it may be related to past things does not mean that it is not there and helpful in moving us forward. It sounds silly to say, but it really and truly is true. So for me, one of the things that's still around from my past was just learning to write. Um, and I don't mean like handwriting at all, uh, but like sitting down and actually writing journals, but also writing pieces in terms of, you know, from my experience and and whatnot. And although it was useful for me to deal with some of my old things in my life, if you will, um it's a powerful tool for me to use now, you know, to be able to post for social media as I start writing again on my book. Um which, oh wow, I think I just said that out loud. So um that is a goal for me, to be able to take my story and and put it into the written word is one of those things that I am working on and working through. Uh more details of that to come as they come available. But um, but that's a very useful skill that I have that very easily I could associate with trauma. And it maybe if you haven't gone through something really hard, you you're not tracking, but I'm confident if you have, you know exactly what I'm saying. Like um, things that maybe you did to be able to survive and and whatnot of your past doesn't mean that they can't be great skills and tools and things like that that you've learned. Just like reading a room. Like, I'm not gonna not read a room and read people and things like that because I learned that skill from having to endure what I did as a kiddo, I'm gonna use that to my benefit. And so for me, it's helpful in knowing how to unload my past. And I will say this that even though I've I've gone through an extensive purging of my past, there are still times where there are people that may come into my life and that will creep back in again. And I have to be cognizant of that. And so I would say it's an ongoing process, but I think at the front end of it, it's much heavier and more cumbersome because you're dealing with a lot of probably people and things in your life that are there because they feel good. It's just comfort because it's consistent. It's not comfort because it's right, and it's not comfort because it's good, and it's not comfort because it's helping you do the right things or the good things for yourself, right? It's just it feels good because it's comfortable. I mean, that's why I held on to 125 pounds for 10 years. It's comfortable, it's easy. I don't I don't have to think about it, I don't have to work out, I don't have to eat well, I don't, I don't have to do any of it. I just get to be me surviving the way I'm surviving. Um so yeah, so just some of my thoughts around this, like how I have unloaded my past. Um, I think too, like going back to what I was talking about with my mom, um it's never been a time where I've ever cut her off completely. And I have had a lot of people over the years in the course of time, like when they've heard my story, come to me very concerned and not understanding how I have allowed her to stay in my life, just given some of the things that have have transpired in our relationship. And I will say it it's it's a journey, it is not an event, it's not easy, just like anything, it takes work, it takes time. But I think that as I moved ahead and started my own family and had children and things of that nature, I found things that were very important to me and that there were lines that I wasn't gonna allow anyone to cross. And so as long as those lines aren't being crossed, I'm okay with it. Uh, but when those lines are being crossed, I'm not. And I think the other thing to that too is is putting the ball in somebody else's court, if you will. So it's not the burden is not on me uh in terms of relationships with others. The burden is on the other person if I'm pursuing a relationship with them. So I don't stress over that um and I don't really find it weird that I say yes only because I'm very protective of what I'm allowing to come through. So some people get by with a little more than others in my life for sure. Um, but none get by with, you know, abusive mistreatment, tendencies, like none of that. Not having that, not having it. Been there, done that, got the shirt, walking on. Um, so yeah, I hope that what I've kind of talked about today has been helpful, whether it's because you take some tips or tricks from what I've done and use them in your own life, or maybe it just reassures you that you're on the right track. You know, maybe you've been trying to work on things for some years in your life, and uh the progress seems very minimal, if at all, and you feel like, gosh, I I don't even know if this is all worth it. Let me tell you, it is, it is. Um, and when we get in this place where we're ready to move forward and ready to start thriving, um, I think it just keeps the fire in our belly going. You know, it just stokes that fire and it keeps us encouraged to do the hard work it takes to pare down the people in our lives, to clean out the clutter of all of our things that are not helping us stay in a good, healthy spot. Um and then from there, you know, we can talk in the upcoming weeks, which I'm really excited about. About like, okay, now that I've cleaned out so much of this stuff, I mean, there are some holes in my life, if you will, where I don't have any activities outside of my house anymore because the people that I was doing those with, I can't be around. You know, I mean, shout out to any of my friends out there that struggle with addiction. Like, you know, if you've gone through AA or any of the, you know, support groups for any addiction, you have to change your life in terms of the people that you allow in your in your life. And uh you have to change your life about how you set up your home. So, like, if you struggle with alcohol, clearly you're not gonna have a full bar set up in your house. Uh, that would be ridiculous. Um, if you struggle with gorging your food or have an eating disorder, clearly you're not gonna bring all of the foods that trigger those behaviors into your home, right? Um, but I think also what you will agree with me on is it is one, a process, and two, you have to give yourself tons of grace in this process. So as you're unloading your past, I pray that it is as pain-free as possible, but it gives you enough pain that you are willing to do the work it takes to then take the next step. And so when you join me next time, we're gonna jump in and talk about now that you have removed a lot of people from your life, how do you now invite people in to that space? I'm gonna tell you what, this is one that you definitely want to come back and join me for because it's been uh a process, is the very nice way of saying it for me. So, in the meantime, I hope you are having an amazing day, whatever day of the week, time of the day that you're listening. I cannot thank you enough for joining me. And I hope that you will give us a subscribe and a like and follow us on all the socials and do all the things the young people are telling you. But in the meantime, always remember you have a seat right here at this Edwards table. See you next week, y'all. Bye bye.