Who's at Your Table?

In the second episode of the Surviving to Thriving series, Amy explores what comes next after letting go of the people, habits, and influences that have kept us tied to the past.

While removing unhealthy influences is an important step, thriving requires more than creating empty space—it requires intentionally filling that space with people who encourage growth, speak truth, and help us move toward the life we desire.

Amy shares practical insights on identifying healthy relationships, recognizing the value others can bring into our lives, and becoming intentional about who we allow to influence our future. Whether you're rebuilding after a difficult season or simply looking to grow, this conversation will challenge you to consider who is sitting at your table and how they are shaping the person you're becoming.

Because surviving may require letting go, but thriving requires inviting the right people in.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Was tied to your past and being able to unload the things that kept you there. Well, this week what I want to talk about was okay, now that we've unloaded all of that, we've gotten rid of people and things that have been holding us to that past and not allowing us to really truly transition into this state of like where we're outliving our lives and we're not constantly being drugged back to the past. Um, we need to replace some of those things. And so today, really what I want to talk about was replacing the people. So the people that you have cut out of your life or have put up some good, healthy boundaries for, and maybe don't have them in your life nearly as much as what you used to, how then do you replace them? Now, one thing I will caution you on is this. Not necessarily is this a one-to-one trade-off. So for instance, like if you have someone who used to be one of your best friends and you realize that is not someone you need in your life, it doesn't mean that you have to replace and have a brand new best friend. Okay, so don't hear me say that. But what it does mean is that we are intended to be in community. We should be with other people. Um, and we need to be careful of what that looks like. So even Jesus, when he had all of his followers, you know, he had 12 disciples, but he had three that he would pull aside, even out of the 12, and spend one-on-one time with and that kind of a thing. So, like even in your friend group, if you're like me, well, you probably aren't, but in your friend group, you may have several friends, but there are one or two that you're super close to and do a lot of life with. And so that was modeled for us in the Bible. And I think it's important that we remember that. Like, we are meant to be in community, we're meant to do life with other people. So, with that said, and going through this process of trying to offload people that are not healthy, that are not helping us to become our best version of us, and they're not helping us move in the right direction, which is forward, out of our past and moving ahead, how then do we replace them? Well, first and foremost, I'd like to say where we look is very important. So if we are out, you know, living our best life at clubs and bars and things like that, and we're trying to find people that are going to be meaningful folks that are gonna be pouring into us well, I'm gonna say that is probably not a good starting point. I am not knocking anyone who likes to go and hang at a bar and if you want to go party and do your thing, like nothing wrong with what I'm saying there, other than the quality of friendship, the quality of mentorship that you're looking for, that's not a good place to start. It's not to say that you couldn't have a happenstance and run into someone who is on the same track as you and or kind of wavelength, not track, but wavelength that would get along with you well, but also would speak into you well and that kind of a thing. So for me, it's important for people around me who are especially going to be giving me wisdom or helping to point me in the right direction, is that they need to be very similar to me in their faith and their beliefs. And the why behind that is um because I am a Christian, I'm a cross follower, uh it is not beneficial for me to have someone that doesn't believe those things try to come and give me wise advice because it's gonna come from a different lens of what they look through, if you will. Um, and when I look for women in my life who can do this, I typically look for women that are older than me initially. And it's not to say that I don't have young women that pour into me beautifully, because they do, but they don't necessarily have as much life experience. And so with experience tends to come wisdom, is all I'm gonna say. So the gray and silver hair that I have graciously earned in my tenure on this planet, there's a why behind me being able to pour into young women because I've been there, I've done it, or I know someone who has and I've walked alongside of them. You know what I'm saying? Like the experience is important. And so, first and foremost, I look for my friends to come from church. It's important to me. Um, like I said, being like-minded, having similar beliefs, those are important. Not to say that every single person that I am a friend with is a Christian. That's not true either. Um, but if I'm going to go and get wise counsel, those are the women I'm gonna go to first. Uh, second of all is the layering of people in my life. So, what I mean by that is similar to what I said earlier. So, like I have tons and tons of acquaintances and lots of lovely acquaintances in my life, and I'm very thankful for them. And those are not the people that I go to for super private things in my life. You know, that is reserved for a very small group of women and my husband. So the first person I will go to, because I am married, is John. Like, I'm gonna go to him, I'm gonna talk to him about all the things uh and blessings. He does not always have the same perspective as me, which is great because he's a man and I'm a woman. That's fabulous. Sometimes I need a woman's perspective given the situation, right? So, like, sir, you're not helping. Um, or I don't need you to like rah-rah me this. I just need you to tell me straight up, you know, kind of a thing. So I have over the course of many years, I've had different women in my life in this capacity. And some of those women have stuck around for a very long time, and others have just been around for a short time. And both great for different reasons, uh, also very difficult for me. One, to make friends that are new, and then two um to continually open myself up. I think partly because of trauma. I'm not gonna lie and say, you know, that doesn't play a part in it, but I think part of it too is that's just human nature. Like if you've ever been burned by a fire, you're not gonna want to go sit next to it really closely because you're you're fearful that you're gonna get burned again. And I think that's very much the experience of having relationships. People hurt people, period, because we're all human. And so finding people, like I said, to start, where they come from and where I find them is definitely a very important starting point. Um, who I allow to listen to the really personal private things is limited to a fingerful of people. Um, and depending on the situation, some of those three may or may not hear all of it. Like it may just be John that hears it. You know, it's it's per the situation, okay? Uh the third piece to that is is the time it takes to find said person or people in your life. Um and that ebbs and flows, and just like anything, it takes time to get to know one another, it takes time to build trust between each other, it takes time to be willing to share all of the things with one another. And so it's a process just like everything else. And I know y'all are listening and you're like, oh my word, like Amy, stop telling me that it's all a process. But friend, that is what this is. Healing is a process. And, you know, we started out week one of this month talking about unloading our past, right? Like, get the past out. We need it gone. Um, so in order to get rid of our past constantly coming up in our today life, we have to remove people and remove things that are holding us there. But then the flip to it is, is now we've got all of this vacant space that no longer has the maybe the friends and family that we used to. And so now we've got to figure out how to plug some things back in, some folks back in there. So, you know, I think just it's very simple and it's very straightforward the information that we need to know how to move ahead. The reality is, is it's the grind. It's the showing up day in, day out, and saying yes to ourselves. And I will be the first one to tell you I'm not excellent at this and I want to quit because it is so much easier to stay holed up in my house, not go out, not try to meet other people, not try to share my story and kind of see where it lands and see, you know, maybe I have a new friendship that comes out of that, or maybe I find someone that I can pour into because maybe he or she has gone through something similar to me. Um, but but replacing people is is vital because we are not built, we are not wired to do life on our own. We're wired to do life in community. And the other caveat to this is people because they are human, you and I are human, we make mistakes, we hurt people, you know, people are gonna hurt us, is we have to approach this with an open mind. Um, not to say that anyone has the right to be abusive to one another, because that absolutely is not the case, but we have to be open-minded to the fact that sometimes people that we would never think of being our friends are some of the best because maybe they are more abrupt and we're more, you know, timid, or maybe they're more brutally honest and we're more of a sugarcoater. You know what I mean? So like it's a nice balance and it's important to have those kinds of people in our lives, just like it is the comfy people. The other thing that I would say is this is when you're inviting new people into your life, careful not to overshare. You know, like if it's a new relationship and you're kind of trying to see where this friendship is going, be careful not to give everything out at one time, only because if you're trying to grow a relationship, it's a it's a back and forth. It's kind of a little bit of a tennis match, if you will. You're gonna hit volley the ball over and they're gonna hit it over, and you're gonna hit it back and they're gonna hit it back. So you share a little bit, they share a little bit. And if you find that you're doing a lot of the sharing and they're doing none of the sharing, that's a big red flag. That is something that should tell you they're not a good person to invest your time and your energy into in order to build a really deep, meaningful relationship. They might just be a great acquaintance, they might be someone great to go grab lunch with, you know, once a quarter, once every six months, you know, or wave at them as you drive by them. I don't know. But like they would not be what you're looking for. You're looking for someone that will go back and forth with you in life, and that not only do they do these things for you, but you do them for them as well. That's the beautiful thing about being in a good, healthy relationship that is a friendship, right? If you are married, I would argue that your spouse should always be your point of contact. And if they are not in a place where they can be that, um definitely for me, that is a big flag for you. That uh one, you need to be on your knees praying daily for them. But then two is just helping them get the help they need to find out how to be the best version of themselves. Um I am confident there will be people that will come and you know have their own opinions about what I just said, and I appreciate that. But uh part of marriage is the the daily grind, again, of just showing up. And um, I mean, this is the person that knows you the most intimately, hopefully if you're married, good heavens, if not, uh, that's a whole nother conversation for another show. But um, but you know, that needs to be your go-to person. That needs to be the person that you're going to first. It's not to say that you can't go and share things with other people in your life and and and sound off, you know, have them as your sounding board and you know, and um giving you good good wisdom and and help pour into you, but your spouses, that's what their job is. Their job is to compliment you and vice versa for you, right? So y'all should be doing that for one another. But yeah, this whole concept of reintroducing people into your life and finding healthy people, I find that sometimes people who will invite into our lives, especially if we're new to healing, like if you're just starting kind of off on this healing part of your life, uh, it is very easy to fall back into old ways. And so inviting either people that you've kind of, you know, put healthy boundaries up for, but you're like allowing them over that boundary constantly, uh, typically it's gonna be because that's what feels comfortable, because that's what you've always known. Like this is this is just the rhythm of your life. You're used to this is kind of, you know, I don't know, narcissistic behavior or abusive behavior, and you're just used to constant eggshell walking and drama and whatever else, because that's just how the person that you had in your life or who was around you acted. And I would caution you to say that when you find yourself doing that, um, it's definitely not from a place of being correct, it's from a place of being comfortable. And being comfortable is not a healthy place to be when you're trying to heal. I can't believe I had to just say that out loud, but that is the truth, right? Like being comfortable while healing is not healing. It's it's being stuck, you're not making progress. Why? Because healing hurts, healing's hard, healing's time consuming, healing is just it's just gross. I feel like I'm such a whiny hiny, but I mean that's the truth. Like, who wants to do all of this, right? Uh, in the midst. It's kind of like I think, you know, on if you're on a health journey and you're trying to eat well and exercise and do all of these things. Um, it's not about the fact that you went and you ran a 5K, it's about the fact that you trained for how many months and you ate correctly for how many months and you showed up for the race and actually did it. You know what I mean? Like it's not just the one thing, it's about all the things combined. And that's very much what I'm talking about here. So it's not just that you got rid of unhealthy people in your life, but it's of exceptional value to then bring healthy people into your life. I would highly recommend starting a church, especially if you're a believer. Um and y'all, I'm gonna tell you right now, church is not for the faint of heart. I mean, we are a bunch of human beings that are a hot mess, all of us, and we all bring our own baggage in every Sunday or Wednesday night or whatever day she go. Um, but but I mean, seriously, I'm not trying to be silly. I mean, I'm trying to be, but but not 100%. I'm just trying to be honest. And people that are Christians are are sinners, they make mistakes. They're gonna hurt you, they're gonna do things that might hurt your feelings or that might really break your heart. Um, but you know, Jesus said in the Gospels, the hospital is not a place for well people. It's for people who are sick. And he was talking about the church. Like, church is not where you go uh because you've got it all together. Church is where you go because you have none of it together and you have fallen off the cart yet another time. Like your life is a complete shambles and whatever else. Like, yes, that is what church is for. And so when you go to look for people at church, there are a lot of broken human beings. It's not to say every single person has this, you know, horrific story and whatever else. That's not the truth either. But it is to say that it is a bunch of human beings, and so that's why I said before, cautiously approach how much you're sharing. Um, make sure that it's reciprocated because that's usually a good indicator that this person is gonna be someone that you can actually do this part of life with. Um, and then give yourself grace and time. Time uh does not heal all wounds, work does, but time allows us the opportunity to get the work done. I love that idea. Um it's it's never about time when it comes to the time is doing the fixing, if you will. It's about the work that we put in. That's what helps do the fixing. And one thing that I have learned, especially over this past, I would say, year and a half, is that when I take everything and I go and I lay it at the foot of the cross, as it says in the Bible, and in the way I do that, that's metaphorical because there's not like some cross I have up in my yard where I walk out and like lay a box down and put all kinds of stuff in it, it's metaphorical. But what it means is that I go and when I'm talking to God and just tell him, like, Lord, I I surrender this, I give it to you, and you do with it as you please. Um, but I can't do this. Like, I can't fix this relationship, or I can't take away my trauma, I can't take away the abuse in my life, I can't do any of that. I need you to do that. And so with God, that is how it gets done. So inviting people into my life, um, that is something that I'm more than willing to do. Sharing everything personal is not something I'm willing to do, but I know that because I've worked really hard to understand what I can and can't give and what I should and shouldn't give, you know. Uh that came by way of experiences, it came by way of therapy, it came by way of a lot of tears and a lot of trial and error. So I would love to say, just like I always do, about anything, that I could give you some like ridiculously quick pill to like swallow down and it makes everything all perfect. But the reality is the older I get, the more I realize, one, I know nothing. And two, time truly, like I said before, time heals nothing. It heals nothing, but it does allow us the opportunity to work through all of our messiness. And if we give it to God and tell him, only with him will we get through it, then is where the magic happens. So with that, y'all, uh super fast, quick today, I know, because usually I'm so long-winded. Um, but just practical, practical things. If you're on this journey like me of healing, um I am cheering so big for y'all. I am yelling at the top of my lungs, jumping up and down out here in Central Texas, just hooting and hollering like a crazy pants. Um, because I know, I know because I'm doing it, I know because I've done it, I know that it's not easy. Uh, but golly, does it feel good to be in a season of versus surviving, y'all? So I sure hope you'll come back next week because next week I'm gonna talk about, okay, you know, week one, we got rid of everything in our from our past that's not helping us move forward. Today we talked about like how do you reintroduce new people or not reintroduce, but how do you introduce new people into your circle? And then next week talking about things. I think you'll be surprised what I'm gonna share next week because it's not what I think is gonna come to the forefront of your mind. So, with that said, I hope you will tune in next week. Remember, I drop brand new content every Wednesday, and always remember there is a seat right here at this Edwards table just for you. See you next time.