30. When You're Not Okay (Here's What Actually Helped)

This week on I Hear You, Babe, we’re easing into it.

I start by talking about losing Dude and how grateful I am that we were able to say goodbye at home. It was quiet. It was sad. It was peaceful. And yes, I cried like a child.

From there, we settle into a very real, very human mega episode about what actually helps when you’re not okay — not in an Instagram way, not in a fix-it way, but in the way people actually survive hard seasons.

You’ll hear long listener emails and shorter ones. Stories about grief, relationships, therapy, doing less, neutral days, sitting on the floor, going to the same bar, loving animals, and letting things be unfinished.

I also do a lot of chitchatting.
Interrupting.
Reacting.
Sitting with things instead of tying them up.

If you’re not okay right now, this episode isn’t here to make you better.
It’s here to keep you company.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone. I'm your host. As always, very, very, very happy to have you here. We've got a great episode for you today. I've got a bunch of emails that you guys sent into IHear You Babe Pod at gmail.com. And you know, a couple little things up front that we're gonna kiki about. And you know, before I just want to get this off my chest because before we get into anything else, and listen, like I don't know, trigger warning, because we're gonna talk a little bit about loss, but I I I I wanted to just you know at least explain the story because while I am sad and it's a sad story, I I also am like feeling at peace with the decision. Anyway, so I I want to tell you about Dude. And dude is you know, if you've listened to the podcast, he's one of my he's one of my fur babies. He's my older blue Russian who I had since 2012. And so about three months ago, he I got home and I was like, I j he's like a very healthy cat. Like he's kind of the cat that never went to the vet or anything. But like, which is always fine. There was one time, there was one time that I had to take him down to the vet. We go, there's a uh a vet down in Brooklyn called, I think it's like Heart of Brooklyn or something. It's in it, it's in Fort Green. But so we go there that one time because he was like super duper constipated and he wasn't pooping. So like I had to go, I had to like give him medication. That was the first time that was like years ago, though. And it ended up like he really likes pumpkin puree, so liked pumpkin puree. Man, that's gonna be a hard one to switch. But so yeah, we uh he had heart failure this last time, a couple months ago, and he's been taking medication, whatever, whatever, whatever. In any case, he was really struggling the last couple days. I presume, based on like what they said, like the doctor said that he was having difficulty breathing, and that petting him was like making him, you know, there was like too many like lots of sensations. So like he just wanted to be held, but not like touched, or like wanted to be near you, but like not touched. So anyway, I didn't even know you could do this, but we did at home. We did it at home. We so I and it actually felt honestly, it felt right. But I and I wasn't there for it, Darius was there. I I couldn't do it. I said I did my like goodbye before I left the house. I know that's like some people are gonna say whatever they're gonna say about it, but like Darius has a history from childhood and a family owning a funeral home. So there it's like a little bit less death, is a little less, I don't know, weird for him. But anyway, it was the the experience. I they sent me some photos and it was very quiet. He could stay like in his familiar atmosphere. I didn't think it would be a good idea to try to put this like fragile little, he was like wobbling around. It was not cute. I I didn't think it would be a great idea to like take him and like put him in a carrier and like drag him to the vet when he wasn't feeling well, you know. So, you know, when I got home last night, Darius told me that because I live right around the corner from a church, and and when the clock struck noon, like that's the exact moment that he passed, it was like it was like a little, like the universe was like a little bit too on the nose with that one. And girl, I sobbed like a little kid yesterday, like full body, I didn't have any dignity. I like I was like couldn't even catch a breath. But like I handled, you know, the majority of the, you know, I made the appointment or whatever, and then I like I passed the baton over to him in the morning. And I I also like not for anything, but I I also it was Saturday yesterday, and and like I I I'm very happy to say that the studio was sold out. The two classes that we have on Saturday were sold out. So I I I really didn't want to, I you know, I um I don't know. I I wanted to, I needed to make my good on my promise. Like I I couldn't cancel on 24 people yesterday. So I don't know. Somehow we made it through. I don't know. Every class in between, I was like bawling my eyes out in the back. And um, you know, because like life sometimes isn't gonna just stop because your heart is broken, you know. It's like um I like the show must go on, and it always like that's kind of the thing. It's like I it's not about me. So anyway, that's that. And I mean, I'm just grateful because he was home and it was sad, but it was also kind of peaceful. So I mean, in the end, I think it was like the right kind of goodbye. And man, I got a little paw print and a little tuft of his hair to keep. I don't know, so like I don't know if you've ever if you are listening and you've ever loved an animal like that, or you know, you lost an animal, or maybe you're about to lose an animal, or anyway. I hear you, I see you, I I know that kind of grief, you know? So anyway, I knew I knew something like this was about to happen, and uh, and so that's why this week I decided to have you all email me about things that make you happy. And yeah, I um I feel like we should just get into these emails. What do you think? I let's see. Okay, let me pull these up. Beep poop again. You think I would have the shit ready to go because here we are, but hold on. Okay, this first one says the subject says nothing helped, and that helped. Can I get an A? I kept waiting for the thing that was supposed to help. The walk that everyone talks about. I know everyone's always just go for a walk. You know, my mom will be like, Well, just do do me a favor, just take a nap. And I'm like, But like, she knows. The cold shower, the journal prompt that magically unlocks something. I really I can't journal. I don't, I really I tried sometimes. I have many of them. Girl, there's like four pages written as I'm like, I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. I'm like four days in, I'm not doing it anymore. So, yeah, if anybody needs a journal, you know. I so it goes on to say I tried them, I really did. I walked until my legs hurt. I wrote things down I didn't even believe, and I breathed in counts of four, like I was being graded. Oh, so you're good at it. I love those little breath exercises, they really helped calm my nervous system, I'm not gonna lie. She said, and then nothing changed. And then one day I realized something that felt both depressing and relieving at the same time, which was that I wasn't doing it wrong. I just wasn't okay yet. Yeah. I mean, sometimes the finding the energy to engage in those types of activities that are meant and designed to lift your spirits, you know, the frustration that comes after it doesn't work is tough too. So I get it. What helped was stopping the search, stopping the constant scan of my body, like, are we better now? Stopping the comparison to people who seem to bounce back faster. Yeah. There's a person in my circle that I just have like watched do like a 180 within like a year. And I the way that I do comparison trap, it's just wild. And if I'm being honest, I I don't even feel like I'm envious of anything except for the stability that she provides, like by way of, you know, I guess curating. So I don't know. I'm always just like, God, do you think anything ever fucking go wrong for you? Like, Jesus Christ. Like some of us are, you know. But anyway, it goes on to say, I let myself feel bad without treating myself like a failure. Once I stopped trying to get better, I got calmer, not happier, just calmer. And that calm was the first real relief that I've felt in months. Well, I totally get that. That's a nice little email. I I really I get it because there's a real I don't know wellness craze that's happening right now. And like the internet is your enemy when it comes to this kind of stuff because a girl, this girl is like, you know, got engaged and married and moved to like the wealthiest neighborhood in America, and like everything's taking off for her. It's like and you know, you just want to be like, what? As if like I've been out here doing bad work or something, and then that's when you start feeling bad, you know, and then you start feeling like a failure, and you're like, but what the fuck? If I if like if some am I am I doing too much? Am I trying too hard? Do people just not like me? Am I not likable? You know, you go everywhere with that, and it's it hurts. So I totally, I totally get that. So thank you for sending that email. This next one says the bar was the answer. Okay, hi Dino. This isn't inspirational, but it is honest. Okay, well, we like we we cherish honesty around here. What helped when I wasn't okay was going to the same bar every Tuesday night and not talking about my life at all. I sat on the same stool. This is me. I go to my local bar and I don't, I usually just have my headphones on and like they know me. I like I do a fist bump on the way in or whatever, but like usually don't even have to order my drink, you know, and they're in it's just it's so cozy. I've lived in the same apartment for 15 years. So, like, and I've been going to that bar. In fact, it was it was closed for about a year, and I was like devastated, and then it came back. Like, so anyway, love that place. They say, same stool, same bartender who knew my drink and never asked questions. See, same low music that didn't demand anything from me. I didn't want processing, I didn't want advice, and I didn't want to explain what was wrong again. I I know it's the explaining of it all, you know. It brings it right back up, girl, like right back to the surface. I just wanted to sit somewhere predictable and exist next to other humans. I love that. You know, I can really relate to that because I have my best thoughts, like either in the shower when I'm by myself, or like if I'm walking through a crowd. Like if I'm walking in the city and I have to like you know maneuver or whatever, something like autopilot takes over. And I have I swear I have like the most you know creative thoughts or you or to me anyway. So she says sometimes I sometimes I would talk about nothing at the bar. Sometimes I talked about the bartender's bad dates. Sometimes I stared at the TV and disassociated a little. Um, it's like you're staring at a football game, you have no idea even what football is. Like, cool. What's what's that what's that ball? Why are you kicking it one second and then throwing it another? I don't get it. Then, but it wasn't healing, it wasn't growth, it was actually me regulating myself. That bar didn't save me, but it held me still long, but it held me still long enough for the shaking to stop. And honestly, that was enough. Yeah, a good cocktail will do that, right? I I love going to sit. I had there's something I romanticize about going to sit at the bar. I even when I'm not having cocktails, I really love to sit in that space. It's usually like well decorated for Christmas. And uh, I'm not kidding. If you're decorated for Christmas, I'm coming. You know, there's a little the only there's a little place that's in the city that's a German restaurant, Rolfs, that is a Christmas designed restaurant that's German, and you can go get like Borsch, and like I don't know what else is German, but so yeah, I I love that setting. I think it's a great place to go. I like I said, I keep my headphones on. Sometimes I'm listening to something, sometimes I'm not. And it's a really great place to decompress around people. That makes a lot of sense to me. I really, I really, really, really get that. This next one says the set the subject is sitting on the kitchen floor. Hello, Dino. My mom died last year. I'm so sorry. And that's really that's a lot, and everything immediately became about how to help me feel better faster. People sent books about grief. They sent me some podcasts to listen to, they sent messages that started with you're so strong before we even had time to decide if I was strong. And everyone wanted to know what I needed, and I myself didn't even know. I just knew I didn't want to perform sadness. I just I didn't want to perform sadness correctly. What actually helped was sitting on my kitchen floor late at night eating cereal straight from the box. She said I sat on the cold tile, the fridge light was humming. There was no music and no phone, just being exactly as sad as I was without translating it for anybody. You know, it's almost like whenever something happens to you, call the person to like offer your sympathy. Like I get it's customary to do that. But for me, I'm probably not even gonna answer the phone. And I don't care if anybody gets mad at me. It's not because I feel disrespect it's being disrespectful. I just I can't be, I can't help you right now, you know? And if I haven't reached out to you for help, I probably it's you probably can't help me either, you know? So send a text or an email or you know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Call but leave a voicemail, you know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

It says I stopped trying to honor her death in a meaningful way, and I stopped trying to turn her loss into something profound. I just really missed her, honestly, in really dumb ways and boring ways, and in ways that didn't sound poetic for other people. Eventually, and I didn't even notice it happening. The grief started to soften around the edges. It was still there, it wasn't gone, but it was less sharp. Nothing really fixed it, nothing really solved it. But letting myself be ordinary in my grief made it survivable. And girl, I think that that's probably the most real, that's like the very real. And there's something I think maybe more profound about just kind of staying in it until you know, you said eventually you didn't even notice it happening, but it started to soften. And it's always gonna be there. I I I believe that we carry pieces of everybody with us. So, you know, I miss old friends, you know, let alone if anything like that happened. So, anyway, sending you lots of love. This this next email says therapy didn't help until it did. Dino, therapy did not help me feel better. I I it helped me stop it helped me stop lying. I stopped minimizing, I stopped saying it's fine when it wasn't. I know that's right. I stopped trying to sound reasonable instead of honest. Okay, that didn't feel good. It felt exposed. Yeah, well, vulnerability will do that to you, girlfriend. And but once I stopped lying, my nervous system stopped working overtime, and that was the fix. Oh, yeah, because you got that, you got that overtime nervous system working, you know, nine, two, five, and then five, two, nine, and then you know. So we gotta we gotta think about I think what it is that we might need, but also I'm just gonna say it and someone's gonna get mad at me, and I don't be honest, I I don't care. But I I know that therapy isn't for everyone, but I do think that you know, therapy isn't for like psychopaths, and like I, you know, we're I I just don't think we're gonna get like you know, some serial murderer to like recognize and you know, but if you are, you know, if you're someone who likes to talk and you've got something going on that might be like kind of hard to process, you know, talking to somebody a therapist is not, I don't think, what everyone thinks it is. Like, man, I used to have this friend, I won't mention her name, but every single fucking conversation was like being in a therapy session. Like she she became the therapist, and it's like, girl, I love that you've been in therapy since you were two. And that's good. And please don't stop. But I I I don't need you to be my therapist, you know. I I have one and I loved, I loved talking. We I had, you know, when you get to a point where you feel like you've maybe said everything to your therapist and you want like to have some actual life experience and then maybe come back. So that's kind of what's going on there because I I had I had like I think the greatest. I really do. I think I had the greatest. And and what I'm hoping for is that we can reconnect soon because you know, some things have gone down. A couple little couple little things here and there. And I want to chit-chat with her again. She was fantastic, and it really was just like talking to a friend who offered you really sound advice, you know, advice that actually made sense that you know could that you could put into action. And man, I I really, really, really needed that stuff. And I, God, talking about right now, I'm gonna send her a text message right after I'm done recording this because and her name's Dina, and my name's Dino. How fun is that? I yeah. Small world. And she used to be like a therapist in the prison system, and and she lives in Florida, and she's just the fucking coolest lady. I think I I don't even know. She's uh not indicated that she's had, you know, I don't know. I think she's a lesbian. I don't know. She might be bi. She's married once to a guy. I don't know, but she's so fucking cool, and she doesn't sugarcoat coat. Anything and she like talks to me straight without making me feel like a piece of shit. You know what I mean? Because that's what I think sometimes when you like talk to your friends about stuff, you get something different. You get you get a response from somebody who's not supposed to be giving advice like that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, just go talk to somebody who's like gone to school for that or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Anyway, next one says my water, hold on.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

After a long rant like that, my I feel like I ran a marathon and she needs she's got something like dehydrated. It says the subject sign says one friend. Hey babe. When I was falling apart, I had a lot of people checking in. There were a lot of texts and phone calls and some offers to talk to. But what helped was one friend who didn't ask questions. Okay, I'm just gonna let me read this and then I'll she just said, because I'm over here yapping. Okay, she just said, I'm coming over and show up with food, and we didn't even eat. We'd sit on the couch sometimes, we'd watch garbage TV, scroll separately, but together. And she didn't ask how I was doing, she didn't push me to open up and she didn't need me to be okay for her because you know, her presence didn't fix anything, but it gave my body a break. And that mattered more than advice ever did. Okay. So, you know, I can empathize because I have a friend who is dealing with something, and I sometimes am reluctant to ask how you're doing because in the event that you're having a good day and you're not thinking about it, you think like, oh shit I don't want to like ruin a good day by saying, like, so how's whatever, blah, blah, blah. And but then, you know, there are times when I, you know, I've been called out for not for not checking in more often, you know. I think it's a fine line. I think it's a separate conversation that you have to have with each of these people because you never know. You never know, right? Because it could be welcomed or it can be seen as a reminder, and that's not what we want, you know. But yeah, I I I see I see where you're coming from. It's a I think it's a I think it's a conversation. All right. Next one says my body knew first. I I'll I'd co-sign on that. I think I'm very in touch with my body too. Not like that. Stop, stop it. Just because like I like I'll be like, oh this this one bone in my ankle is killing me because I and then I usually I can typically identify where anyway. Look at me. What are we talking about? Hi, Dino. I wasn't okay for a long time. I wasn't okay for a long time, and then my brain kept trying to outthink itself. I would analyze every feeling. I tried to trace it back to childhood too. I wanted to find a reason that made it make sense. What happened was I started noticing my body. I had a tight chest that never relaxed. I had shallow breathing, and I had a jaw that was clenched all day long without realizing. Yeah, I get that. I stopped asking why I am like this and started asking, what does this need? Probably like a what they call it, like a retainer. Sometimes the answer was sleep. Yeah, that's when you use the retainer girl. Sometimes it was movement. You can come to the salt drop for that. I know that's right. Sometimes it was nothing at all. The listening didn't cure me, but it stopped the fight. And not fighting myself was the first kind of sideshow in myself in a long time. Well, that's I really I I'm listening I I could not agree more with this email. This is honestly, this should be this is the like a whole marketing campaign because what your what your body needs is to be heard. And that might mean moving one day, resting one day, sleeping one day, being with friends one day, and nobody that's why I hate fucking making plans with people. I will I hate it. I'll do it if like it makes somebody else happy, but like I'm always putting myself out when I do that because I don't know what my body's gonna need that day. And sometimes my body is gonna need for me not to hang out. Man, I love this email so much. This is like such a good one. I just stopped asking why am I like this and started asking, what does this need? And yeah, girl, like sometimes you need to be like, I I just what my body needs today is not that. And and you know what ends up happening, right? Is that you you you end up, let's say, you know, for someone that you spend a lot of time with, if there are two or three or four instances whenever you're like, I am tired, I need sleep or whatever, or I'm I'm not feeling like I'm in the right mood to do whatever, it can it becomes a thing then, right? And then people in inevitably and in really discreet ways can hold will hold that shit against you and be like, well, I know in light of the fact that like your body is how it is, uh you know, I I try to get as much time, you know, and and so and so you end up feeling like you're I I'm of the mind that look, oh man. Okay, I have another thing that I want to say after this. I I am of the mind that if you're not being honest with everybody, like what the time that you spend with them is compromised. And like, so is that really what they want? Probably not. That's what I would think. And then here's the other thing, okay? Fucking, I don't know what the fuck my Instagram algorithm wants from me, but it showed me this commercial today. And the commercial was like, I think for therapy. Man, what a fucked up commercial this is. Gosh darn it, like it's really not fair. But the commercial was like, you know, I didn't realize my patterns. And then I downloaded an app that made my AI twin. And I realized that it wasn't everybody else's fault, that it always was my fault. And then it was like, you know, fill this thing up for and get to download this app for like therapy. And I'm like, holy fuck. I think that's gaslighting 101. I don't know. But I was it, I was, it just the two uh the two things together. I'm like, what the fuck? What the hell? You know? So I got I wish you guys could have seen my mouth when I said how. Like I really, I really did a lot of like lip lip movement to enunciate. What the hell? But yeah, that shit's confusing to me. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Who knows? This one says the subject line says doing less. Oh god, I love doing less. Dino. What helped when I wasn't okay was doing less. Yeah. Less explaining, less socializing, and less pretending that I could handle things that I couldn't. I didn't become better. I became quieter, and in that quiet, I finally felt safe enough to rest. Man, I feel you. I I think I slept like 12 hours last night. 12 hours, like not the night before, because the night before I was stressed out. Night before I slept on the couch with Darius in the living room because I didn't want to, I wanted to find out. I just wanted to keep my eye on him. That's when he peed on like literally everything that we own. So don't worry, I got new pillows because he peed on my pillows. And but luckily I because when he got sick the first time, I got one of those things that you put on the mattress that like I it's soft to me. It actually feels like a pad, like padding to me on top of the the the mattress, but it's actually like uh waterproof, so like it won't go down into the mattress because that mattress is like fucking expensive. I bought it when I had money, but yeah, so anyway, I bought new pillows because he peed on them. He peed on at like literally everything before he before dude. I'm talking about dude. I I have like upholstery cleaner because he of course, like, wait a minute, he peed right on the couch, and like the couch is for my KEA, so it's like it's not even that big of a deal, but I but like I'm not in the market for a new couch right now, you know. Like I I I have some other things that needs that need to take priority, but but he literally peed right in the middle of the two center cushions that you sit on, like right in the middle, so like a little bit on both, and then a little bit on the bottom. So like last night I was home with this bissell, not sponsored, but this bissell trying to like just get this, you know, whatever. And that thing is powerful, man. You should see the fucking disgusting water that came out because I mean the couch you can throw in the wash, the cushions, like the the cases, the but like I, you know, I wanted to make sure that like the cushions were okay. But we caught it so fast that I it had like zero time to like seep in, but I was still like, I'm not sitting on that. So anyway, I have some whatever, and then I gotta bring some stuff down to the to the dry dry cleaner, well, laundry mat because there's like a comforter that he peed on, obviously. Like nothing easy, you know what I mean? So that's cool. But okay, let's get to this next email. This one says neutral days. Sub that was the subject line. Hi, Dino. Nothing helped in a big and cinematic way. You mean you didn't have a God, what the hell is that movie? With great joke, Dino. Wow, you really gosh darn, you really nailed that one. Listen, I don't know. My brain honestly is for ride. Okay. So I'm really actually I'm really grateful to be reading these emails. I I I really can't remember what movie I was thinking about, but it was something really cinematic. So anyway, it says, no breakthroughs, no big realizations. What helped me was realizing that some days are just kind of neutral. Neutral meant I I wasn't gonna spiral that day and that I could probably make dinner and that I could probably answer at least one text. I don't know. Sometimes I can't even do that. I stopped demanding transformation from myself. I accepted maintenance, and maintenance, as it turns out, is deeply underrated. I know that's right. Well, you know, I say to my clients here all the time like we everybody, every single one of us should be doing more recovery work. We should be foam rolling, we should be stretching, we should be doing, but now we'll just sit in front of the TV. I'm guilty of it too. I'm not I'm not passing judgment. I'm just saying it it's it's funny because one makes us feel better, one doesn't, but in the moment we we want the immediacy of it, you know. I mean, I'm totally guilty of it too. So relax before you get butt hurt. This next email says subject line is both choices hurt. Dear Dino, everyone thought leaving my relationship would help me, and it didn't. But staying didn't help me either. That's a conundrum. What helping what what helped, what not what helped. God, in the name of the Father, Son of Holy Spirit, amen. I what helped was stop the stopping the narrative that there was a right choice waiting to be discovered. Yeah, you never, I mean, God, you always think like, how does everybody know like what the right thing to do is, you know, and how they know whenever I do whatever I do that it's wrong. Once I accepted that both options hurt, my body finally relaxed. I gave myself permission to sit in uncertainty without using that rushed feeling toward clarity. I made a decision later, but first I stopped forcing this sort of resolution I was looking for. That cause mattered more than the choice itself.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

I you know, there's so many uh situations where the nuance around what's right and what's wrong is very different. You can there are pros and cons to everything, I think, sometimes in the in those situations, you're like, what is the right answer? And that's the one that gets you like going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And I I I don't know, and then and someone's gonna tell you to follow your gut, and then you're you know, and it's hard to go and look back later and think what if I had done this other thing? Because who know how are you supposed to know? I think there's a bit of faith in it. It's like reading the Bible, you know. I don't know. So next one says, the dog. Hello, Dino. What helped me was my dog. He needed to be fed, he needed to be walked, he needed me to get out of bed, and I didn't feel better, but I did feel needed, and that was enough to really keep me going. Well, Gush, good God, that's very I I totally get it. 100% that that that hits that hits home for me too. There's just really something special about and and look, if you're you're going through something like what I just went through with dude, I I'm not trying to you know poke the wound, but there are moments when I think you know for the sake of your precious baby that it's time. This the struggle is really hard to watch, so and you know the and they do when you're sad, really, really help to make things feel better. Anyway, you guys, before I'm not I'm not gonna cry on the podcast. So the before that's it for that's it for today. I thank you again, as always, for being here, uh, you know, for listening and for and for letting lending me your stories and letting them land in in the universe. And you know, if you've got something going on, you're not feeling great today, or you know, you don't have you don't have to fix it or explain it to anybody. Uh you or you know, I think sometimes you don't be afraid to keep yourself company or or or even maybe let somebody that you feel really safe with let them do that for you too, and hug your little animals. Text the friend, maybe, who never actually asks you questions, or sit still, maybe without even the music on. Um sometimes I have to do that too. But you know, I love ya. My name is Dino, and that was I Hear You Babe. Remember to check our Instagram at I HearYou Babe, and every week we are gonna drop the prompt. That's where we drop it. And what else can I tell you? That's it. Can't wait to talk to you guys next week. There is a bonus episode coming to the Patreon later this week as well. And I can't wait to talk to you again soon. Bye.