34. When You Know It’s Over But Stay Anyway

This is I Hear You, Babe.

I just got back from Pittsburgh, got humbled by family reality, and came home to the blizzard of 2026 where I fully became your conspiracy aunt. Lucy Letby. Epstein again on Netflix with new context. 25 episodes of Killer Cases. Half a pan of brownies. Not well. But weirdly clear.

Because every story I watched had the same quiet theme: staying. Staying when your gut is screaming. Staying when it is not love anymore, it is familiarity. Staying because leaving feels like detonating your life.

Then we get into your emails: the relationship that already ended emotionally, the wedding day whisper you ignored, and the job that is slowly draining you.

If you are in that place where you know it is over but you are still there, this one is a mirror, not a lecture.

Send your emails to ihearyoubabepod at gmail.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone. I'm your host. I'm the friend in your ear and uh your emotional support animal with Wi-Fi today. We got a great show for you today. It's uh bunch of emails that you guys sent into IHear You Babepod at gmail.com. The bunch of little dumb things that I've been up to because God knows we all love to talk about ourselves. So what can I tell you first? Well, since the last time we spoke, I got back from Pittsburgh. And I well, okay. So every time I go back to Pittsburgh, I feel like I turned into a little bit of a different person because, you know, well, first, I don't feel like in Pittsburgh they made a lot of boys like me. I guess I've been saying that for a long, long time. So if you heard me say that before, good for you. I I feel like I used to sit in the parking lot of AutoZone and talk about the level of tint that people had on their windows and whether or not it got to be the to the point where it was illegal because you couldn't see in. And what else we talk about? We used to talk about we used to talk we used to talk about what kind of tires they had on the car. We also used to oh sound systems. We used to love to talk about sound systems too. So anyway, I just got back from Pittsburgh, and like I said, every time I go there, I feel like I turn into a different dude because you know, well, A, I go I usually don't go there wearing matching sweatsuits because that's kind of what I just wear here. You know, it's like it's give here in New York City, it's giving, you know, creative director of a fitness studio outfit every day. You know, but there I was like, let me break out the jeans, let me break out my boots. I've got this cute coat. No one's seen me in it. Let me bring out some regular shoes. It's giving, I have I used to have a 401k. You know what I mean? Which I don't anymore, but that's another story. And so I'm, you know, I'm with my mom. She makes me a bunch of like gluten-free stuff. The first like the first day that I got there, I I walked into the restaurant and there was a plate of pasta. It's gluten-free, but it had it was like springs. Not the tight springs, it was like loose springs. I don't know if that makes any sense. And it was like cherry tomatoes and garlic, and there was some, you know, she like scampied some shrimp that was in there. Oh my god. But there's also she also made me some gluten-free eggplant parmesan and what else did I have that day? Oh, I she also made some banana peppers because I like I like spicy things. Anyway, so you know, I also when I got there, like things were kind of cool. I went there, I first got there, and I you know, I I ate and we had a good we had a good day. Later that evening we had some you know, I don't even know if it's family stuff, but there was just some like familial stuff, like family and family adjacent stuff, which was fine. And then there was some there were some heated discussions that took place that night, and then the next day it kind of all continued into all that, and then and then like the day before I was supposed to fly out, then my flight was at like 10 a.m. or 11 a.m. My my brother, of course it's midnight the night before, and we know we've been eating all day, and my mom had been cooking all day, and we get a phone call. She had just taken an ambient and gotten into bed, and like not 15 minutes later, the phone rings, and it's like, you know, your brother's on your son's on its he's his way to the emergency room, fever of 105. Anyway, it turns out he has like pneumonia and they had to put him on a ventilator, and he was like kind of sedated for a couple days. But that night we got into the car at like almost 1 a.m. and drove through like the thickest fog because of course why wouldn't it be? And then spent like the night at the ER, which is so fucking weird to be in the ER at night. I don't care what anybody says. I know everyone that's ill that's at the ER has something crazy happening because otherwise, why would you be at the ER? But like, geez, Louise, you try being in the ER in western Pennsylvania. That is literally all I'm gonna say about that. And then look, the next day I had to leave. So like I slept at zero. And I and I swear, and I went to the airport, and I swear to God, every time I leave Pennsylvania, I have this weird moment at the airport where I'm like, who the fuck am I actually? Because when I'm there, I'm like, you know, my mom's son who has to ask, like, is it okay if I shower? And can you come pick me up because I have no car? And then I'm I'm the brother who has to like sit there in the nursing home and like hang out because like, God forbid, you know, I get work done or do anything except for just like tend to family, but also like when I'm there, I'm like, I don't want to leave because my brother sits there in this room, you know? So I'm always like fucking holding the room. And you know, I'm the guy everyone expects to be okay. I keep quiet whenever there's like fights happening, because that's just how it goes. And I, you know, I don't know. And and and and like honestly, like all these different, you know, plus I'm the son of a man who used to own a pizza shop. It's like when I'm there, I'm like the founder of Salt Trop, and I am the boyfriend, and I'm like I had and I and I also hold the room for everybody else. And and like sometimes those versions of myself, I feel like they don't speak to each other. You know, so I like I get home from Pittsburgh and I'm fucking fried. And to have to explain that to anybody just like reinvents the whole thing for me. So I'm what's the even point of having to girl, it's not even who cares? Nobody cares. So anyway, I get home, I come back to work, whatever, whatever, whatever. And because you know, that's how it goes, man, right? You know, you go home, you become traumatized, you come back and you come back to work. That's what being an adult is. They didn't tell you that whenever you were in high school, but everyone was like, Oh, I can't wait to be older. And it's like, no, that's probably not it. Anyway, so then I got back, and then a week goes by, and then legit, you guys, it's been it was the blizzard of fucking 2026. It hit New York like a gosh darn backhand slap. And so for the last two days, we've been snowed in, like snowed in, snowed in. Like I didn't leave the house for 24 hours. No, 48 hours. And what did I do? Well, if I'm being honest, what's the best way to like recap my weekend? I I I became your full-on the conspiracy aunt. So I watched Lucy Let Be, the documentary, and I don't know if you guys have heard about it, but like it's wild. She may have been responsible for like up to 17 children's deaths. And she was a she was like a baby nurse. Oh my goodness. And then that one's that one's a crazy one. It's it's definitely strange to watch because she seems so freaking normal. Has it have you guys watched the Lucy Lepbee documentary? I I don't know. She was like one of the most prolific child murderers like in European history. I don't fucking know. Um, and then I rewatched the Epstein documentary on Netflix because I haven't watched her for a long time. But like, so now it's like this, I watched it with this new context of like, you know, there's so much more talk about like, I don't know, the Rothschilds and like the secret societies and all that like insane late night Reddit energy shit, which I used to think was like total BS. Now I'm like, hmm, you know, like dee dee dee. I wonder what's actually going on in the basement of the Getty. And then because I obviously hate my own mental stability, I watched 25 episodes of this show called Killer Cases on Hulu. And yeah, I don't know if you've I don't know if you're I don't know if you're if you know about it, but anyway. So basically after 25 of those episodes and the Epstein, I watched a little bit of the Gilane Maxwell documentary too. I didn't finish it though, but it's like so basically I'm not well. You know? So yeah, I don't know. There's something about a blizzard that makes you go a little bit crazy. I ate up half a pan of brownies, and it's like the snow's falling, and you're just sitting there thinking, like, how many of these big ass systems are broken? And like and how many people are staying in situations that you know are rotten? And and how many people, you know, would have seen some shit in their relationship and they didn't say anything? And then um, hey, I was thinking about this week's episode and the emails that you guys sentenced because you know, the through light in every single thing I watched wasn't like necessarily evil. It was like staying. People were stick sticking around, you know, it was like when you knew something was wrong and you still stuck around, or like you stuck around when you like your stomach was telling you something, your gut was telling you something, or you know, you stayed when the vibes were fucking off and you knew they were off, but you still stayed anyway. Or you know, after you like stayed after you emotionally took off, too. Anyway, so that's what we're talking about today. Today's episode is all about when you stayed, when you know it's over, but you stayed anyway. And I think a lot of us can relate to that idea because there's safety in staying, even when your gut is saying not necessarily sure. But anyway, so let's get into these emails, girls. This first one says, I think I broke up months ago, but my body is still here. Hi, Dino. Please say hello to the kitty cats for me. You well, that'd be my honor. I have been with you since the bar three days, and I love your salt drop studio in Astor Place. Well, girl, thank you so much. I have been with my boyfriend for six years. We live together, we have a dog, our families are intertwined, and we are the couple everyone points to and says they're solid. Isn't that always the case? And then you're like, and behind the scenes, but I haven't felt solid in a year, she says. Nothing catastrophic happened, no cheating. There was no screaming fights, just this like slow little erosion. Sometimes it goes down like that. Sometimes it has to be like a big, you know, to-do or whatever. But and then here's the worst part. He's a really good man. You know, sometimes love is not enough, they say. He brings me coffee, tells people he's proud of me. He thinks we're just fine. And I'm sitting here feeling like I'm slowly betraying both of us. I imagine breaking up and immediately I start to feel panic. Where would I live? What would people think? What if I regret it? And this is like, what if the long what if this is just what long-term love looks like?

SPEAKER_00 12:14

I know.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

I used to feel like that back in the day too. I think that that's a sign of your gut speaking to you, but you know, and you can always, you don't always have to jump to a conclusion, right? There's always time to give it a second to allow dust to settle, or and if you continue to feel a certain feeling, then I think there's a way you can begin to address it. But she says, she goes on to say, how do you know when boredom is normal and when it's the beginning of the end? You know, I think there's no good answer for that. I think that's like I think that's like a it's totally up to you. You gotta figure that out, you know. The the next this says, okay, I don't want to blow up a good life because I'm restless, but I also don't want to wake up at 45 and realize I stayed because I it was easy. I don't know who to talk to about this because everyone loves him. And what do I do? Okay, first of all, like the quiet, you know, erosion part is real. Not now, not all endings come with like big sirens and whistles and you know, fanfare. Sometimes they they approach you with like like a Taurus. No, like a Prius. Not a Taurus, a Prius. Like it comes in silence, babe. So, but here's what I hear in your email. Cause you're like the the issue is like not whether or not he's good or not. You you're asking if you're feeling alive in the partnership. And I think that that's a little bit of a difference because like he could be good on paper, and like, and then I think we're taught if he's good on paper, then we should just shut up and be grateful. But you know, if I'm honest, like a relationship is not a credit score, you know, nor is it doesn't go on your resume. It's like a living, breathing thing that like the pendulum swings sometimes, right? And I think as long as it swings within like a safety zone, then we're okay. But they are living, they and they and they and they ebb and they flow, and sometimes they don't die loudly, they just kind of like stop growing, you know. So I mean, I guess the question I would ask you is like if not like if nothing changed like 30 days from now, 60 days from now, like not one thing, can you fast forward like what would what could you do this for 10 more years? And I I don't think you have to answer that out of fear or you know, like the logistics of like where you're gonna live. I think you answer that like based on like what your body's telling you is going on. Like do you do you get tense or do you relax? Or because I think your body sometimes knows before your brain does. And and the hardest truth, you can you can leave a good dude. You know, you're allowed to leave a good man. It doesn't make you evil, it just makes you honest, you know? Okay, this next this okay, well, okay. I mean, honestly, like because it's I was thinking about the Epstein documentary, and before and before anybody, anybody comes for me, because I'm not comparing your boyfriend to Jeffrey Epstein, relax. Just everybody settle down. But what stuff struck me was like not the monster, it was like the silence around him. Because you know, the people who saw, the people who suspected, and and like the the people who felt like some shit was off, they stayed. You know, that documentary was wild. Like these people stayed, even though they knew there was like something going on that was not feeling right. And and now obviously that this that that is a systemic power story, the the one about the like the having a lot of money and the and then people being afraid and how it's so corrupt. But like psychologically, I think it's like the same shit on a different like on a different scale. Because it, you know, I think for the sake of calm, we will we we kind of like override our instincts because like the social cost feels like too high, or it feels too scary, or like the disruption and the discomfort means like maybe too much, you know? So we just like choose to stick around because that kind of discomfort is easier than the other kind. It will because it also like it ends up becoming like familiar. It's like you you it's day in and day out, and we can manage it because it, you know, you don't have to rebuild from scratch. It just like because but but sticking around does have its own cost too. You know, it's just a little bit less. Then the next email says, I knew my marriage was over on my wedding day. Yikes. I mean, at that point, you're doing it for the story, right? You're just like, Well, we're just gonna we I all this money's been spent, we're just gonna do it. It's easier for me to just get the divorce later than it is to cancel the actual wedding. At least you would get your money's worth in some photos. You know? And maybe those almond candies. What are those called? Jordan almonds. They give those out at Italian weddings. Those are the best. Very controversial candy. People either love or hate Jordan almonds, but man, I love them. Okay. Says, dear Dino, before we start, I need you not to judge me. I'm not. I don't, I'm not gonna judge you, I promise. Him, on the other hand, I may no, I'm just kidding. She says, I knew on my wedding day that it wasn't right. There was no dramatic moment. This was just very calm, very clear voice in my head that said, This isn't it. But I walked down the aisle anyway because my parents paid for it, because 200 people flew in. Wow, that's a big ass fucking wedding. Jeez, Louise. 200. I don't know that I know 200 people. Definitely don't like 200 people, that's for sure. She says, because I thought the nerves were normal, because I didn't want to embarrass him, because I didn't want to be that girl. We've been married for three years now. We don't fight, we don't connect, we just kind of function. And he wants kids soon. And I am here sitting thinking I already have my chance to leave. I had the clean exit, and now it feels like if I leave, I'm being cruel. How do you forgive yourself for staying? Man, not the bride who knew. So, like, obviously, never ever, you guys, never ever am I gonna am never ever ever gonna judge you. So don't worry about that. Do you know how many people walk down the aisle with like a whisper in their ear, like, I shouldn't be doing this? I feel like it's probably more than you think. Like I mean, I don't even know what the percentage of people who get divorced are, but baby, it's gotta be a fucking lot now. I don't even do people get married anymore. But I think the reason this email kind of hits is because you're not dealing with like a current situation. It's like you're it you're entering into it's marriage is whatever. I know that it's an important ceremony, I know it's an important step, but it feels like you're grieving the past decision, which was like the person like the the version of you that maybe didn't speak up. Because but okay, so but here's the part that I think you should hear uh more importantly than anything than that, because you didn't uh like betray yourself or say that thing didn't speak because you're weak. You say because it's scary. And uh we I think we're trained by nature, human nature, to take the path the least resistance. And we we and we when we feel scared, we make choices that help us to feel safe again. And you know, safe choices are not they're not bad, they're totally human in nature, you know. I think the real question is like it's not why didn't I leave then? It's like, am I willing to stay now? And honestly, I think that one's harder because you know the pattern now, and and knowing I think like creates some responsibility for you because you you know you know what you're getting yourself into, you're making the conscious decision. But responsible is not punishment, it's just like it's clarity, you know. So, like, and so anyway, when you leave somebody like long term like that, you don't you don't lose like a person. It's like you lose half your identity sometimes, you know? It's like you lose like the identity of like the girlfriend or the wife, or like the I don't know if you start a company together, you're like, you know, your co-founder or you're know your best friend, the you know, the from what outside perspective, like the solid couple, the the the one who has like the perfect relationship. And sometimes we stay because we don't even know who we are outside of that role of like stable partner or whatever. And I think I've done this, I've stayed in dynamics like way past the expiration date, you know, because I didn't want to be the disruptive one. Now maybe much more confident in expressing things that are ha happening because I feel like if they fester, for me at least, if they fester, I it gets worse. But you know, because I didn't want to be, I didn't want to be the person to end things. And because I don't, you know, I don't know that I've ever actually ended anything. I didn't want to be the one who was like misunderstood, you know, because I had to think about wanting to be liked, and I didn't want To be alone in my apartment and feel like I detonated my own fucking life. Like I did this to myself. But like I think if I've stayed too long before, you know, something else happens. So you start to get smaller and quieter, and you start to laugh a little bit less, talk a little bit less, you know, you share a little bit less, like you start to edit yourself. And I think that's when you know, you know, because like it's like you're I think when your daydream becomes like an X escape plan, then it's probably time, you know. The next email says it's my job, not my relationship. Dear Dino, best of luck with everything that's going on at Salt Drop. Everyone over here is rooting for you. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. She says, I think I read this assuming that the episode is about dating, but my story is not. Okay. I I don't think it necessarily has to be about dating. I think you have a relationship with your career too, you know? Um, I certainly do. Yeah, it's back and forth.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

I mean it's a love hate. Hold on. T so I work at a company that is slowly draining me.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

I used to feel it used to feel exciting, but I felt important and I felt like I was chosen. Yeah. Job security is a bitch, right? Like it's like a drug. And but now she says, but now I feel tired. My boss undermines me in meetings in front of other people. I'm also underpaid. I have no real growth path, but I am terrified to leave because the name carries weight and it looks good. Oh man, I had a friend before who worked for a really big like luxury brand and stuck around even though the job was like putting things in the mail because the the because the name of the company. Don't do that. Don't do that. No one cares. You know, oh, you work for a big company, they're gonna be like, well, what did you do for them? It's like, well, I put things in the mail. It's like, no. But she says, I also I know it's not aligned anymore, but I also know leaving would mean taking a pay cut and starting over. I think maybe I'm just burnt out. How do you know if you're supposed to push through or walk away? Okay, so this one's the more, I feel like that maybe a little bit about power. Because you stick around because the name kind of used to validate you. Like when you would tell people, like, oh, I work, you know, I I had this too because I used to work for Harvard Business School. And you know, you say something, you stay because it validates you. It's like, well, made you feel special. It was like part of, and and you I feel like a lot of us chase that ghost or of that feeling. But you know, environments in real life change because the the office dynamic can change, like let's say the leadership can change, which then I think shifts the office culture, and then you're changing. And so, you know, I think here's the test because it's you know, is it hard because you're growing and changing, like you're finding that you find uh joy in other things? Because or or is it hard because the job is making you smaller? You know, you feel like you're done learning, you like you have to shrink in front of people or whatever. Because growth hard feels like you know, expansive. And it and if people are not expanding, like I cannot, I don't don't try to pull me down. If you're being lazy or you have no ambition, I can't fuck with you, you know, because being expansive is uncomfortable, you know, shrinking feels like you're like negotiating with yourself all day, you know, thinking about like do I you have to talk yourself into it every morning? Do you have to talk yourself out of it? Do you have to talk yourself into being calm? You know, I think all that stuff is like information, right? And I think like the that ignoring it also becomes information as the body starts to like take in and start to feel certain things, you know. But anyway, so you know, I think the real the the the reason this topic is interesting for me, it's hitting, especially because of the blizzard, because when the world gets quiet, you can't, you know, outrun your own feelings. And you sit there with your thoughts, and like let's say you sit there with like the Lucy Let Be documentary, which you guys cuckoo crazy banana pants, also like the Epstein rewatch, man, there are some things in there that I overlooked. Or, you know, listen, if you need any advice on any of those 25 episodes of Killer Cases, but listen, no matter what, you're on the part you're on the couch with your partner, your inbox is open, you know, you're with your own life. And then if if it's not right, I feel like I've been in the place where the question starts to get louder, where you know, it's not about you know how fun it is to make the brownies and stuff. It's you know, during the snowstorm, it becomes about like, you know, am I staying because this is love? And if you've been in that place before, it's been a long time because it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship with somebody that is living with me, but I can there's a difference between the staying because you love it, and it feels like so freaking fun to put your head together and try to solve problems and like figure things out, and like your arguments are really benign, versus like other experiences I've had where it's like the time there just becomes it feels impossible. And you know what, you guys listen up, ladies. The girly pops need to hear this. You don't get a fucking medal for enduring a relationship that is not right for you. There, yeah, like there's no gold medal for staying the longest. There's no shame in saying that you need a little bit of time. Like, you also don't need to like blow up your life today or tomorrow, you know. But I think it's it does begin with you starting to be a little bit more honest with yourself. And it's like the longer you ignore the whisper, like the longer, the louder it gets, and that eventually it's not going to be whispering. It's become resentment. You feel numb, you feel not creative, you feel stuck. And it's it becomes a version of you that doesn't recognize herself anymore, you know? And so you're allowed to outgrow things and people, even good things and good people, impressive things, like the people that love you love, like, or who love you, like you can choose alignment over what it looks like from the outside because optics are bullshit. And if you're sitting here right now, you know, knowing something is over, but you're still there. I'm not here. I'm not, this is not to shame you. It's just just say maybe like, you know, ask yourself one thing, which is what are you protecting? And is it worth the cost? Because and you can sit with that, and I'm not giving you advice. I'm just giving you a little mirror. Because, you know, ultimately, if you decide to stay, or if you decide to leave, or if you decide you want to stick around and gather information for six more months, it's it's still okay. I'm still your I'm still your bestie. I'm still here. And because it's messy and it's human and nobody teaches us how to end things well. You know what I mean? But listen, we can learn, we can't get better, and we can be good advocates for ourselves. You know what I mean? Anyway, so this was I Hear You Babe. Remember, you can send your emails to I HearYouBabepod at gmail.com. As always, so excited to be back. So excited to chat chat with you guys, and I'll see you next week. Bye.