35. Things That Should Be Illegal (NYC Edition, Vol. 2)

This is I Hear You, Babe.

Today we’re legislating.

From men leaning on subway poles and blocking three handholds, to $19 smoothies with 25 percent tip screens, to finance bros walking shoulder to shoulder like they own Manhattan — this is Things That Should Be Illegal: NYC Edition, Vol. 2.

We get into subway etiquette, dating app emotional hedging, coffee shop laptop squatters, public couple fights, group texts that never die, and the unhinged behavior of people who stop at the top of subway stairs.

But underneath the chaos and comedy, we talk about something real: claiming space, holding your line, boundaries, and why pretending not to care is the most dangerous New York habit of all.

If you’ve ever felt overstimulated, under caffeinated, and deeply aware on a Manhattan sidewalk — this one’s for you.

Send your emails to ihearyoubabepod@gmail.com
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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone. I'm your host, and we've got a great episode for you all today. It's a bunch of emails that you guys sent into IHearYouBabepodgmail.com. And a bunch of random stuff that's just going on in New York City that I figured I would catch you up on. So what can I tell you? We are legislating in this episode, okay? Because the first one that I did, things that should be illegal in New York City, that episode did so well. And I felt like maybe it was worthwhile to like bring her back. So, you know, the first one, let's just say it was cathartic. And and and frankly, as far as we're all concerned, the city has not improved. And, you know, I know ever people who are listening are going to be like, well, bro, you like live in New York City because you chose to live there, which of course I did. I love her. She smells a little bit less like pee than I remember back in the day. Because I did my one of my internships when I was in college, I went to Fairfield University. One of my internships was at MTV. And so I did a lot of commuting in and out of the city. And I can remember like very vividly walking down certain streets in the city back in the day. And like it smelled in the summer, especially, there's some streets that like smell like hot pee. But listen, at the end of the day, now hear me out. Because I know some of you are like, doesn't make any sense. I I love this disgusting, expensive, and chaotic city. Like, I can't explain why or how, but I just do. And, you know, love is at least honest. And so today we're gonna be honest. So I'm gonna read through some of these emails because I I haven't read them yet. I copy and pasted them into my notes because, you know, but well, because I like to keep it like fresh. Like I haven't read the emails before we start reading them together. So, okay. I I can already tell by way of the subject line that I'm gonna love these. So this first one says, are you ready? Men who lean on the subway pole and block three handholds. Okay. I just had this experience the other day. It was not a dude, it was a woman who like was hugging the pole during a busy commute. And I was so confused as to why she thought that was okay. So I get it. Okay, let's get into this email. Straight to jail, it says, I don't care if you're tired. I don't care if you did leg day, and I don't care if you have airpods in and think you're being mysterious because you're not mysterious, you are horizontal. Why are you wrapped around the pole like you're in a low budget Cirque de Soleil audition?

unknown 3:26

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

Stop. But people are fighting for balance. We are breaking at 40 miles per hour underground, and you are draped. Literally illegal. I agree. I could not agree more. People who enter the subway before letting people off is also illegal. Agreed. What where are you going? When have you not gotten on the train? And if you feel like you need to sit that bad and curl, I need to know what childhood created that behavior. You think the train is I don't know what this means. TARDIS sized? What's that mean? We're gonna have to Google that. What's TARDIS? Oh. Oh, it's from Doctor Who. Girl, I don't know. I I have no idea what you're talking about, but okay, cool. She says, let us out. You are not boarding a yacht in Capri. You are entering the Av train, girl. Relax. Can we say this louder for the people in the back? I I sometimes like if it is an older woman, for example, or an older man who looks like they are in need of a place to sit, I get it. I get it. Because if you're not, you know, if you don't make your way onto the train first, chances are you're not gonna get a seat. But I can't help but thinking about the people who are always looking for a seat that look like they'd probably do better if they stood instead. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, maybe, maybe let someone else sit. You know what I'm saying? The train is a wild, wild beast. I don't understand how we do it every single day. And so, you know, there's times in class when I'm like, you guys are New Yorkers, like you're like getting on and off of a train today. It's my workout is not the hardest thing that you're doing all day, you know? So anyway, okay. Then the next one says $19 smoothie. Okay. I don't know who can afford a $19 smoothie given everything in New York City is a million dollars, but okay. It says, now I'm I run a wellness business. Okay. I understand the cost of goods. But if I'm paying $19 for a smoothie, I needed to solve something. Girl, that cup better be dipped in gold. It should be solving debt or grief or my attachment style, but not just banana, almond butter, and vibes. The audacity of the tip screen afterwards. That tip screen comes up everywhere. And my corner store, I'm like, girl, you just handed me a pack of gum. Like, what? So you flipped an iPad. Why is the lowest option 25%? That should be illegal. Agreed. Girl, if you're not serving me dinner, I'm not tipping you. I don't, I don't know why everybody sometimes I'm like, I don't even know the etiquette anymore because you know, back in the day, we didn't tip everybody for everything. And, you know, I don't want to be the last man out. You know, like I don't I don't want to be the one who doesn't understand like how what is happening currently in the world, but like, geez, Louise, you know what I'm saying? Like, what? So this next one says man spreading on the sidewalk like they own Manhattan. Okay. So you know the type it says four finance bros walking shoulder to shoulder at 7 58 a.m. like they're reenacting the Wolf of Wall Street, but it's Dwayne Reed. Oh. And you're just supposed to fall into traffic. I do not move anymore. I used to, she says. I used to shrink. Now I hold my line. You know what happens? They move because the city teaches you something very quickly. If you don't claim your spot, okay, this is important. If you don't claim your spot, someone else will. That's not even funny. That's real. I mean, and that's where the email ends. Girl, listen, I get it. 100% true. And I don't understand how those guys navigate the rest of the world because like doesn't everybody hate that dude? Like, how how are you how are you even able to survive? You know? So the next one says the guy who brings his laptop to a coffee shop and stays for six hours with one drip coffee. I've been this guy so shh. It says, Babe, if you are running a startup out of a two-top table on a Saturday in the West Village, illegal. There are people with feelings and brunch reservations. I know that's right. Also, the Zoom calls with no headphones. Who does that? I'm gonna, you know, when I'm rich, I'm gonna buy a bunch of headphones and keep them in my bag for like all the different various like ports. You know what I mean? Some of them are gonna be like the old school ones, some of them are gonna be like the new school ones. Like we're we're we're doing it all. We are hearing your Q1 projections. We definitely don't want to. No, we definitely don't want to. So for anybody that's out there that's like not using headphones, you guys, for what and why? There's no reason. Everybody hates hearing what you're talking about. Like, let's just we gotta we gotta do better, you know. The next one says people who stand at the top of the subway stairs and just stop. Okay, I think we did this in the last one too, because apparently this one's a big one. And it says you this is not a meadow. You cannot pause to orient yourself. Yo, whenever you like are in, you know, let's say you're in Times Square or or anywhere really where there's like any kind of there's a visitor from somewhere else, and people come out of the train and they look up like they've never seen a building before. You're like, it's literally just a building, like nothing even special is happening. So why are we even like what what's the point here? What are we doing? I don't get it. I really don't. However, it's not for me to understand, is it? So it is what it is, but also you don't just freeze like you saw a ghost. You know what I mean? Like you gotta move, you gotta move. The next one says couples who fight in public. These are good though. Like if you catch a fight in public, like you won the lottery, you know what I'm saying? It says, you are not whispering, you are performing. We are all now involved in your fight. It says, quote, I just feel like you don't listen to me, ma'am. We're at Trader Joe's, we're not at therapy. You're gonna go buy the cauliflower and gnocchi and go home. But also, low-key, I respect it because at least it's honest. You know what's worse? The silent couples, the ones who walk side by side and never speak. That is the energy that scares me. You know, anything that's happening outside the house when it comes to this kind of stuff, I sometimes I just feel like, girl, it should be, it should be, it just, it just stayed home. You know what I mean? So uh, you know, anyway, this next one says the group text that never dies. Okay. So not NYC specific, it says, but the way that New Yorkers weaponize it, why are there 47 unread messages about a dinner that's not for three weeks? The way that I have to mute messages like this, like when I had a big group of friends, I always had to mute the messages because it just goes, it goes on and on and on. It's like little tidbits here, little tidbits there. And eventually you're just like, I I don't even know that I care, you know? So I get it. It says, just send the time, send the location. And if someone says, let's circle back in a friend group text, that's illegal. Okay. Deal. Co-signed. This, the next one says, dog owners who don't pick up after the dogs. I've been this guy too. Eek. So it says I have the hookups. This one, this one is actually kind of personal, okay? Because I have cats. Me too. It says, and my cats use a litter box, like actually civilized citizens. And if my 12 pound pound dog, oh, if my 12-pound long-haired son can handle his business with dignity, not me not being able to read. If my 12-pound long-haired son can handle his business with dignity, so can your golden doodle. The eye contact people make when they don't pick it up. Like, we're both complicit. No, we are not in this together, it says. I know that's right. I we just because you saw it does not make you complicit. Okay. It's not your fault. Don't, don't, don't take that on. You don't need to. The uh the next one says the 6 a.m. garbage truck. Oh, Jesus Christ. Listen, mine's mine happens on Friday morning around 5 a.m. So uh so that's always cool. It says, I understand logistics, I understand sanitation is essential. I mean, sure, but why is it the loudest machine ever invented? Yeah. Well, I don't know what they were thinking about to making it making it quiet for you, but uh I get what you're saying. It says, it's like it sounds like Olympus Prime, not Olympus. Oh my god. Okay, I quit. It sounds like Optimus Prime having a breakdown, and it always, always, always happens on a Sunday. Well, lucky you, mine's time mine happens on a Friday morning. Wild. The next one says dating apps. Oh god. Listen carefully. It says dating apps are not illegal, but the behavior on them should be. Just seeing what's out there in quotes, okay. Sir, you live in a 400 square foot apartment with a mattress that's probably on the floor. You probably don't have any shower stuff. What is it out there that you are comparing to? It says. And the men who say not looking for anything serious but open, that sentence alone should be fucking illegal. It is emotional hedging. You want girlfriend benefits without boyfriend accountability? No, bro. It says we are grown. You either want to build something or you want to sample something. Choose. Girl, speak on it. This next one says the person who says it's giving incorrectly. Oh God. Not when people try to like use stuff, phrases that are like not in their age cohort. Ooh, it gives me the ick. So it says, if you say it's giving tax evasion when someone is just wearing a beige coat, that's illegal. Use it properly. We fought for this phrase. Not you on the front lines. The next one says the friend who moves to Brooklyn and acts like Manhattan is a war zone. Oh God. This is my mom. She thinks that like she's always calling me, asking me, like, let me know when you get home okay. And she stalks my location. I'm like, girl, I know how to I know how to navigate. It says you live one stop away. Relax. You did not relocate to Copenhagen. What's in Copenhagen? Is that I I don't know. I don't know my geography as well as you do, probably. Okay, let's see. Okay, I think that might be it for today. Okay, so here's where the episode turns because under all this joking, there is something real. Like what I actually think should be illegal, pretending that you don't care. Because in New York, the default posture is like indifference, if you think about it. Headphones in. Like, don't look, don't feel, don't intervene, keep your mouth shut, keep it moving, keep it pumping. And I get it, it's overwhelming here. But the the thing that makes the city like magical is not the skyline all the time. It's not the restaurants, it's not the chaos. It's that when something actually happens, people step in, which I, you know, I think just makes it about the the people as opposed to like the things. When someone falls, people lift. You know, when someone cries, they ask if they're okay. Yeah, when someone is in trouble, like strangers move out of the way. They help, which is, I think, different. That is the secret sauce to the CD. It it's loud and aggressive, and you know, everyone's gonna think that it's kind of ridiculous, but it's also intimate. And that's what I feel like we don't want to lose. So, yes, let's make subway pole leaning fucking illegal and let's criminalize $19 smoothies. We should find people who stop at the top of the stairs for sure. God, we hate that. That's the worst. Let's also outlaw emotional shrinking. You know, let's let's outlaw pretending that you don't need to connect with people because you do. Let's, you know, outlaw staying silent when something feels weird or off, because that's the through line. Whether, you know, it's relationships or friendships or jobs or who knows? Cities. If you don't claim your space, someone else will, you know? And if you don't speak up, the moment is gonna pass you. And if you don't move with intention, you get swept away. You know, New York is like it's like a training ground for figuring out your boundaries and for resilience, holding the line for things that you care about. And, you know, if so, if you're listening to this walking down Broadway right now, shoulders back, chin up, you know, hold your line on the sidewalk because you know, if you don't, someone's gonna run you right over. And if someone leans on the subway pole blocking three hand holds, just whisper in your head illegal. Anyway, this is I hear you, babe. Can't wait to talk to you guys next week. Bye.