37. The Inbox: Real Emails, Real Chaos, Real Talk

A little founder therapy and a lot of listener emails.

Dino talks about the messy reality of running a startup, making hard financial decisions, and what nobody tells you about building a business with real people inside it.

Then we get into the inbox: dating chaos, recurring couple fights, weaponized incompetence, location tracking moms, and the man who somehow managed to run two completely different personalities with two different girlfriends.

Modern dating is weird. Life is weird. Let’s talk about it.

Send your stories to IHearYouBabePod@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dinal Malvone, and I'm your host. We've got a great episode for you all today. It was a bunch of emails that you all sent into IHearYubabepod at gmail.com. And a couple little tidbits, of course, of things that are happening here in my little corner of the world here in New York City. Girl, it is Monday. We're going into the week strong. It's like 65 degrees here. The sun is shining. People are already in shorts. And that's a little bit too fast for that. But you know what I mean? It's like I can see the buds starting to pop up on the trees. But I'll tell you what, this morning when I got up at, you know, six and it was still dark outside. Oof. That's a tough one. That's a tough pill to swallow. I'm not gonna lie. I do really like being up early though, because the early bert gets the worm. I don't know. I I prefer mornings because I feel like they're quieter. My commute into the city whenever it's that early is really easy. Like I can sit. You know, I know people have really strong feelings about whether or not you should sit on the subway. But girl, if it's 6.15 in the morning, I'm gonna need to sit down. I'm probably gonna need to sit down. The subway also is similar to the bus because generally what I'll do is take the bus down to the subway. There's a 7-Eleven at that, like where I switch from the bus and get on to the train. And I am a loyal reward member of 7-Eleven. I'm not kidding, I don't remember what it's called though. It's called I don't know, gold member perks or some shit. So but listen to this. I pay $10 a month and I get seven free coffees. You do the math. Okay. And you also get points. Say less. I again love anything where I'm gonna be rewarded by something, and every single time I go up there and I pay zero dollars, I'm like, bam. So yeah, there's that. But what else is going on this week is well, let me just tell you, the episode that we're doing today is kind of a mixed bag. Because I have a bunch of emails that you guys sent in that like don't they kind of like they kind of not in a bad way, but they kind of come out of left field, you know? And they're kind of all over the place in the best way. It's like um it's like a group chat of life. So, you know, I thought, why don't I aren't, you know, we're gonna go do something different this week, and we're just gonna let these emails shine a little bit. But before I get into that, I'd tell you a little bit of a life update. Because, you know, babe, owning a business is not for it's really not for the week. It's not really easy. I don't even it's not really easy to know how to explain it either. But you know, there are times whenever you have to make a decision about how money is allocated, where where funds go. Because I mean, girl, at the end of the day, it's about it's a business, right? So if it's not making money, there's an actually it's it's actually a hobby. So, you know, I I feel like garbage about it, you know, but I have to I had to let somebody go. And not because they're a bad person at all. It's not it's not because they're not like immensely talented and been making my life a lot easier, but you know little startups like mine are they're a dangerous place to be. It's like it's a dangerous little beast, and sometimes the math stops mathing. You start something with all this like vision and adrenaline, and you know, you perhaps my the biggest lesson for me was I I spent too much money up front making things all pretty, and but then you know things got worn down over a few years, and I and I'm in the process right now of like get doing a little bit of a renovation, but all that stuff costs money, and you know, you're building something amazing, and then a year later, you know, you look at a spreadsheet at you know two in the morning and you're thinking to my you're oh shit. Like it's not does it doesn't balance, you know, and what nobody really tells you about startups is the the hardest part isn't the money or like the you know the scheduling or logistics or you know marketing and stuff. It's actually the people. It's because you build human relationships inside that thing that you build. And you know, and when you bring somebody into a startup, you're basically asking them to believe in a dream that doesn't really even exist yet. Like it's we're here, but you know, it's like we're getting we're getting there. And and sometimes the dream grows and sometimes it shifts, and sometimes you know, you realize that you can't you can't continue with the cur the structure that you originally built, you know. Things have to change. So anyway, from one the sound, the founder side feels fucking awful. But then from the employee side, that feels awful too. It's like because like what you like, I believed in this thing, and then I, you know, I gave my time to this thing, and then what happened? So there's a lesson in there somewhere about startups that I'm still trying to figure out and articulate. But it's something like this startups are beautiful and exciting and creative, but they are also really unstable by design. So, you know, because I'm not a corporation, it's not like a 10-year plan. It's like a living thing, and sometimes living things change shape quickly. So if you're you know, someone working inside a startup or if you're building one, just know that there's a lot of love and chaos happening all at the same time. Because as we know, more than one thing can be true at the same time. But anyway, that's my little founder therapy moment. Thank you for thank you for indulging me. But before we even get into those emos, there's something else I want to talk to because the the the this has been making my brain mush because the internet has been interneting again this week. And so there's a woman named Elizabeth that runs this well, it's called the Wellness Process. It's a it's a top-tier alternative, holistic, I don't know, podcast. And she made a comment about how, you know, she did this an episode recently, a solo episode, about and she made a comment about how content creators, especially in the wellness and lifestyle space, shouldn't feel pressure to talk about political things because it's not their area of expertise. Which on the surface sounds like okay. But and then another woman, this uh her name is Mina Lee Jameson. She commented on the post and basically said, Yeah, but policy shapes literally everything. Your food safety, you know, healthcare, the health of the environment. It's like even what skincare products exist in the first place. So pretending politics has nothing to do with wellness is a little convenient, I think. You know, and listen, I agree with Mina, like because sometimes when I see certain influencers doing like the good vibes only, no politics here routine, I'm like, please, girl, please. It starts to feel like boundaries and more, it's let less like boundaries and more like you're protecting your pockets, girl. You know what I mean? Because those brand deals and those that's because the next the next slide is you hocking some something that I know you're getting a commission on, which by the way, girly, if you're gonna post a 10-slide Instagram manifesto about how content creators shouldn't talk about politics, like also maybe that energy could go, could have gone into brushing up on some of the politics that are policying your life. You know, even if you're currently filming your thoughts from the Cayman Islands, my love. By the way, next time can I come? Like, forget I said I just said anything, okay? I I don't even know who that was. I'm not res I would like to come with you. But seriously, I think there's a middle ground here. Nobody's asking the yoga instructor to become like the a constitutional scholar. I mean, it's like then it's not the unit, it's not the UN. But if your entire brand is wellness and and like, you know, and sometimes like policy impacts your food, the medicine that you take, the environment, you know, there's public health issues. It's okay to acknowledge that the world exists outside of your outside your ring light. So that's all I'm saying. Anyway, moving on before the internet cancels me. I am very excited about this little project that I'm launching this week. And this Wednesday, I I get to lead, I get the pleasure of leading a group of women through a negotiation workshop called The Art of Asking. And it's I created it. And honestly, I'm really proud of this one because it's all about helping people learn how to advocate for themselves. It's like, you know, salaries, boundaries, whatever it is, contracts, there are you know what are all life decisions. There had, there are lots of different ways to look at it. There's, you know, one thing that I have learned in life, it's that asking for what you want is both, you know, really terrifying and incredibly powerful. And that's my little plug for that. I'll let you guys know how it goes. But all right, so now I'm gonna want to get into these emails because I think you guys really delivered on these ones I actually read before, okay? And the vibe today is basically like, you know, life is weird, relationships are weird, and we're just gonna talk about it. So, you know, go grab your coffee, put your comfy sweatpants on or whatever. You know, I'm still wearing matching sweats. I just have lighter versions of them. Like not lighter color, but like lighter, lighter fabrics. Get your cozies on. Let's see, let's see what you all sent in. All right, babe. Let's uh let's start with this first one. This says, Oh, you know what's so funny? I was just thinking about the Cayman Islands for a second, because uh whatever. That was I that was really part of the post. Like I posted something and I was in the Cayman Islands. What actually happens in the Cayman Islands? Can somebody tell me? Because the only memory I really because you know I've always said never been there before, and it sounds very fancy. I remember them in the movie The Firm. They I remember they were doing a bunch of faxing. Do you remember? I can't remember her name. She was a little red-headed Spitfire. Uh Holly Hunter. Do you remember her? She was doing a lot of, she was faxing, they were faxing back then. She was faxing a bunch of stuff, and people were hiding money down there. Anyway, this email says, Hey babe, I've been listening to your podcast for the past couple of days and I'm already addicted. Well, thank you. I wanted to send something in because I really don't know where else to put this question. I'm a 47-year-old woman, and I've never been kissed before my current relationship. Okay. Never made out, never dated. I used, I use a wheelchair because I have brittle bone disease, osteogenesis imperfecta. I call myself petite and about four feet tall, though in reality I'm slightly under that. For most of my life, I focused on work. Okay. That's where I felt confident. That's where I felt capable. I spent 24 years working as the executor, executive director of an art gallery. Later, I even opened my own studio where this is so great. Later, I also even opened my own studio where it focused on programming for adults with special needs. That's so that's so nice. I hope you know that that there's a special place for you because that's that's not easy, I'm sure. I worked six days a week and loved every single minute of it. I never felt like work because it never felt like work because it felt so meaningful. Then someone came into my life. This relationship became a lot of firsts for me. My first relationship, my first kiss, my first attempt at sex. We have a lot in common and we spend most of our time together. On our first anniversary, he proposed, and I said, Yes, this is so cute. We live together now in a partially accessible apartment. It isn't perfect, but I do love the area. That's actually how we originally connected. Years ago, he briefly worked at the art center where I was running programs. Isn't that funny how you know it's these experiences, sometimes they come back full circle and they look so different on the way back around. And so, okay, so it says, this is really, this is really Tenderoni. The difficult part of our relationship has been sex. We are intimate in other ways. I give him oral sex, I give him massages, that's nice. There's affection and closeness, but what he really wants is penetrative sex. And physically, that's been really difficult for me. Well, I cannot imagine. So she's uh as said, she says, I've been working with doctors. My gynecologist gave me tools to help stretch the muscles. I was on a waiting list for six months to see a pelvic floor therapist. And when I finally had my appointment, the therapist they're told me my muscles were actually strong and healthy. The issue was structural because of my condition. There is a bone where there normally wouldn't be, and penetration may simply not be possible or safe. Uh-huh. So I held that information for about a week. And then one night in the kitchen, I broke down crying and told him everything. Aw. So for most of my life, sex never mattered to me. But now that I'm in love, I wanted to share that experience with him. Not because I feel pressured to perform, but because I wanted to share something intimate with someone who loves me. So later that night, he told me that if our relationship is going to work, the marriage would have to be open. He said he needs penetrative sex and would want to find another partner for that while still being married to me. So some of his family members are in a polyamorous relationship, in polyamorous relationships. So to him, this feels normal. My friends say there are many ways to be intimate, and sex doesn't have to look one specific way. That's true. But honestly, I feel very inexperienced and uneducated about this part of life. What hurts the most is that sometimes he makes me feel like my body is the problem. He'll mention my size or my wheelchair in ways that remind me how physically small I am. Hate to see it. But before this relationship, I never felt small. At work, I felt powerful. I ran programs, led teams, built community. The wheelchair never defined me. Now sometimes I sometimes feel like I don't belong anywhere. I also gave up my job during all of this and now live on disability income. Financially, I'm stable, but emotionally, I feel lost. I still have this fire inside of me to live a full life, but I also feel stuck. My partner is currently on disability as well and is in the process of becoming my official caregiver. Some days I wonder if I would ever feel satisfied in my life again. I owned my own home for 24 years before disability benefits complicated things financially. Sometimes I feel like people with disabilities get pushed to the margins of society in ways most people don't see. Well, I agree with you there. So I guess my question for you is if you were in my position, what would you do? So, all right. But you know, A, also to begin, I think it's important to say thank you for being open enough to share this email with because it's not a small email, it's just like a whole life story, and I want to treat it with, you know, I want to treat it with like respect. And I think, you know, the first thing that I pull from this is I, you know, you are not broken, and not your body is not broken. Your life doesn't sound like it's broken, and the fact that you spent decades building community through art and then working with adults with special needs says everything I need to know about the kind of person that you are. You sound like someone who built a life around things that were really meaningful. Sorry, I need a sip of my water. Sorry. I found my old wallet, did I tell you? I think I did. So here's the part where I'm gonna be really honest with you. I don't think that your partner's desire for sex, there's nothing wrong with it. People want different kinds of intimacy, and I think that that's real. But the way he's speaking to you about your body and your size, you know, you know, the wheelchair, I don't think that that's that's love. You know, that that starts in a small erosion. So love doesn't make you feel smaller, it shouldn't keep reminding you of the thing that you already live with every day, you know. And the the the conversation about the open relationship, that's a big one. And it's that's not something that gets introduced because one person feels cornered. You know, I think from my perspective, I what I see is that open relationships only work when both people genuinely want that that structure, when it's enthusiastic on both sides. Because like when nobody is agreeing because they're afraid of losing the other person, you know what I mean? Saying yes to it because you think like if they don't, you know, you said something in the email that stuck with me. It says for 47 years sex didn't matter to you, but now you wanted it because you finally felt loved. And I think that's like a really beautiful instinct because you know it's not something to feel ashamed of. But you know, intimacy is not just penetration. I promise you, the entire world of sex and connection is way bigger than one specific act. That what worries me more than the sexual question is the way you said you no longer feel like you belong anywhere because not my phone ringing. Because the woman you described at the beginning of this email, you know, the the the art director and the one the builder of communities, the one that was like making spaces for other people, that woman sounded powerful as hell. You know, she's a badass, she's a baddie. So the question I would ask you is not just what you want to do about the real not just what you want to do about the relationship, but like also how do you get yourself back? Because the right relationship doesn't shrink your life. I it's supposed to expand it, you know. And babe, I think you deserve a life that feels you know big again. So okay. That was great emo. All right. This next one says, Dear Dino, I've been married for nine years, and my husband and I have the same fight every single Sunday night. Ooh, sounds fun. It's sounds tedious. Every Sunday night he becomes a completely different person. He gets quiet and moody, scrolling on his phone. Babe, these are the Sunday scaries. I'll ask what's wrong, and he says, nothing, but it's very obviously something. And then I start getting annoyed because I can feel the tension and it turns into a whole conversation about emotional labor and how I'm always the one trying to figure out what's going on. And then he says, I overanalyze everything. This is this sounds like a really fun argument. I've I feel like I've had this one. I say he emotionally disappears. We've done this same fight for years. And then Monday morning he comes and he's fine again. Like, what is that? Well, tell you what. I already know what this is. Again, this is the Sunday scaries. There's a I think they have like a pill for it. Um, no, it's this man is having his existential, you know, crisis about Monday. And instead of saying that out loud, he's becoming like a silent ghost in your living room. And then you, because you are emotionally intelligent and probably hyper-aware of what's going on, you feel the shift immediately. And then you're like, I'm on the case. I'm on it. You know, you put your glasses on, and you know, you put your pencil behind your ear, and I'm I'm on the investigation, you know, which then makes them feel like they're being interrogated. I think I would have made it a good detective. What make, you know, it which I think makes them feel like they want to shut down more when they're being interrogated. And then now, congratulations, we have a recurring couple fight. That's good. We did an episode about that. And here's what's actually happening. He probably's probably anxious about some dumb shit that he is supposed to do for work. And and it's stressing him out. Because you know, whenever we stress ourselves out over things that are, you know, we we we stress ourselves out thinking it's gonna, oh god, it's gonna be such a pain in the ass to do that. But then you do it, and it wasn't actually as much of a pain in the ass as you thought it would be. Like you psych yourself out on Sunday night. Um, but then you know, you you feel like an emotional drop in the room, and your brain goes, something's wrong. Either something's wrong or I did something, you know. So now we have two nervous systems reacting in the same situation, but just like off in different corners. You know, the one that withdraws, the other the one other one's pursuing. And it's so classic. I feel like the but the move here is simple. Next next Sunday, you know, you can just say, like, hey, are you having a tough Sunday night? Sunday scary is or like, are you mad at me? Just give them like a menu. Because half the time they're not, I feel like they're not hiding their feelings, they just don't know what their feelings are yet. Not me. No, could never be me. I'm like, let's go. For someone who's conflict diverse, I'm I'm that's that's the last place where I'm conflict adverse. I'm like, well, what would you what's what's happening? I need to know right now. You can't explain it? Too bad. Figure it out. I'm fun. The next one says, Hi, Dino. I dated someone for six months who refused to ever make dinner plans in advance. That's me. Everything was always day of. Like at 6 p.m., he'd text, want to go grab dinner tonight. And at first I thought it was spontane. Nope. Spontaneous and fun, but eventually I realized he never planned anything ahead of time. When I asked him about it, he said he just liked to keep things flexible. Then one day I found out he'd been dating someone else the entire time. Oh no. Wa. So now I'm wondering if flexible was just code for keeping options open. Well, here's what I would say. I I, as somebody, you know, first of all. In some ways, okay, okay. I think what I'm supposed to say is this. Okay, I'm supposed to say, girl, flexible. That's a that's what you take a yoga class for, okay? Flexible is not a dating strategy. And if you can't plan dinner more than six hours ahead of time. That man, that man is running game. He was, you know, it's because he like he's trying to figure out how to make it all work. You know what I mean? Let's just say it. You know, but and I and you know, I I do think to some degree planning is an investment, you know. But I and you don't want to feel like someone penciled you in in between some other shit that they were doing, right? But I also will say this as somebody who has, you know, I have I have Hashimoto's, which is my autoimmune disease, which makes me some days so tired. And but then I also work a lot. My schedule is weird because I just I work all day, every day. So that's that. But then, you know, you know, sometimes I'm like, for me, I'm like, just hit me up on the table because I don't know what I'm gonna be feeling, how I'm gonna be feeling, or you know, I am between one of two places, you know. Like I cheat on my apartment with my fitness studio and and vice versa. So, but you know, I think at some point people who are serious about you make space for you in their calendar too. So that's what I would say. And also, sounds like you're you've moved on to bigger and better things. So congrats. This next one says, Dino, I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and he still introduces me as this is Sarah. Not my girlfriend, just my name. Am I overthinking this? Well, if you're asking me, which it sounds like you're asking me, I said, you know, no, you're not overthinking that. I mean, after three years, if the the man should be introducing you, like, this is my co-founder, you know. This is my partner, this is the you know, love of my life, this is my girlfriend, this is my soon to be I you know, I don't know. I did make it cute, right? And this is Sarah, is how you introduce someone who's like standing next to you at a bar that you were just that you met like five minutes ago, who you're introducing to your like cousin. This is Sarah. You know, I think in those instances, obviously words matter, right? And I we all love a label. It's like that's my man, that's my boyfriend, that's my you know, not that's Sarah. Because and if you can't say it after three years, like this is my girlfriend, we're gonna need to, we're gonna need to put those glasses back on and the pencil back behind my ear and go and investigate. You know, because maybe you know, maybe he can't make it, maybe he can't make the emotional contract fit for you. You know? And that'd be at least good to know. We're on the case. This next one says, Hi Dino, my boyfriend and I live together, and he insists that doing the dishes is my thing. We both work full time, and I finally asked him why the dishes are automatically my responsibility, and he said, You just do them better. I love this. You do them better. Miscuse, sir. These are plates. We're not, you know, we're not like uh what do they call those people who restore painting? We're not restoring, you know, the Sistine Chapel here. We're it this and you know what that's so fucked up. Because listen, that's one of the biggest uh scams, I think, in in modern dating history is when people weaponize incompetence because I don't do them, I I I'm not as good at doing the dishes. What you only get better by doing them more. You know the the move here is really simple. Like you rotate one week I do it, or the next one day I do it, the next day you do it. You know, whatever. I I you're better at it is not like it's not like it's not the way to manage the household. It's a it's a it's a technical loophole, and and we're suing. The next one says, I realize my boyfriend has never once asked me a follow-up question about my life. He listens but doesn't ask anything deeper. Is that normal? I think this is probably one of my favorite like relationship tells. Because if there's no there's no lack of if there's no curiosity or there's lack of curiosity, people who are interested in you or curious about you, you know, they're gonna ask you follow-up questions just because they want to know. They they want to understand how your weird little brain works, you know? And they and and they want like the expanded version of every story, you know, the longer the better. And and some people are like more on the quiet side of you know, conversationalist, and that's okay too. But if someone never asks you about your interior world, that means that they're comfortable being beside you, hanging out with you instead of engaging with you, you know, and I feel like you deserve engagement, bames, not just a warm body next to you, you know. Um okay. Ba bird Dino. I don't know if this is insane or if I'm the insane one. Well, I'll be the judge of that. I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's great, he's very sweet. There are no red flags, but the issue is his mother. Oh, good. About a year ago, can't we just see about a year ago, we were all on vacation together, and she suggested that we all share our locations for safety. And I didn't think much of it, and I said, sure. Fast forward to now, and this woman actively watches my location. And if I'm out with friends, she texts my boyfriend, where am I? No, I read that wrong. If I'm out with friends, she texts my boyfriend asking where I am. If I go to the gym, she'll say, Oh, I saw she went to the gym tonight. Once she texted him, looks like she's still at work. No. She says, Dino, I feel like I'm in a low budget spy movie. My boyfriend says I'm overreacting, and that his just mom just worries. But I'm a 34-year-old adult woman being monitored by another adult woman. What would you do? This is hilarious. My mom does this shit to me, but she's my mom. She'll be like, Oh, I saw you got home like at 10 o'clock last night. Or she'll say to me, What do you, where are you right now? I'm like, I'm walking down to the train. Like, she said, Oh, okay. I saw you like slept in today. I'm like, girl, it's like the weirdest like dystopian scenario I've ever heard. Because this she's they these women are they're running air traffic control on our lives. And I think she's leaving the gym now. Ma'am, this is not the Pentagon. You know, we're not, this is not, you're not. And I get it. People worry. I and some families are really close, and but I honestly am gonna say this out loud, and I'm gonna hold your hand whenever I say it. Tracking the physical movement of your son, your son's girlfriend is it's not closeness. That is that's I think that's called surveillance. And the bigger issue here is not the mother, it's the boyfriend. Because like the boyfriend is the border control agent of this relationship, or what? Excuse me, sir. He's the one who decides who crosses the boundary.

unknown 34:49

No.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

I I we're not, we're not, this is not what we're doing, okay? So if he if he's telling you that it's just because she's worried, he's what he's really trying to say to her, to you is like, I'm afraid I can't say anything to my mom. I'm I'm I'm a comfortable setting limits with her, or not comfortable setting limits with her. You know what I mean? Some sound scary about her, and that is that is a much bigger, I guess, chat, you know, because I mean, if she's tracking your location now, imagine if you have kids. Like, imagine the grandkids. She's gonna have a drone over their stroller. Uh I just think you turn your location services off, and your boyfriend has to like learn that loving someone means like you gotta protect their pride and dignity and and the and like the 20-foot parameter around them. Wow. Okay, there's one more here. Let's do it. The next one says, Hello, Dino. This is humiliating, but also kind of hilarious. I was dating a guy for about five months. Things seemed normal, nothing weird. One night I'm at a bar with friends, and a woman walks up to me and says, Hey, are you dating Mark? And immediately my stomach drops. It turns out she was also dating Mark, uh-huh. For five months, same timeline. Wow. Dino, we compared notes like FBI agents. I mean, of course you did. Turns out he had entire separate personalities with each of us. Like, which with her, he was like outdoorsy, like I hike guy. With me, he was the artsy book guy. Same man, two completely different identities. Anyway, we both dumped him and now we're actually friends. Is is the is this what dating is today? First of all, I'm obsessed with the fact that you guys, the two of you became friends because that you guys, it sounds like you're girls, girls, which is which that's what we're looking for. And I think like nothing will bond two women more quickly than like some dumbass dude. But the thing that like actually really fascinates me about the story is that it's not even that he was like dating two people, it's like the personality switch. Okay. Jekyll and Hyde. But you know, maybe he wasn't maybe he was an actor and he was preparing for a role. He was yet he was practicing his range. I don't know. It's like Mr. REI mark and then the Brooklyn hipster mark. That's performance art. But I don't know, when someone's like constantly shape shifting, it's usually because they don't actually know who they are, I think. So they become whatever they need to be in the moment. And I think the real victory is that you and the other girl found figured it out before wasting one more second. And I would also absolutely go to dinner with her once a month just to celebrate surviving surviving mark, whichever mark it was. You guys, these emails were hilarious. I am so excited to be back on the Monday schedule. Super excited to be chit chatting with my girlies again. And that's it. I look forward to chatting with you guys again next week. Bye.