41. The Performance of Fine

it's thursday. the episode was supposed to drop monday. dino has the flu, darius had a fever, and they watched twenty-two hours of lord of the rings extended edition on the couch together which may or may not be romantic depending on how you look at it.

this week's prompt: what are you pretending is fine right now?

the inbox delivered. we've got a woman who's been saying "no worries at all" so many times she whispered it during a nightmare. a listener pretending her marriage is fine who went to a bathroom mirror at a wedding and stayed there a little too long. someone who bought a SaltDrop membership in january and has found seventeen reasons not to go. a woman who got passed over for a promotion that went to a guy named derek who has been there fourteen months. a retired hospital administrator who ran a library fundraiser like a quarterly business review and scared the other volunteers. grief for a dog who was a witness to a whole chapter of someone's life. an airbnb review for a situationship. forty-five minutes of crying in a car followed immediately by "I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU." and a closer from a listener in queens who has been performing grateful for six years and is finally done.

also: rush rush by paula abdul, the violin solo specifically, the italian studio lemon situation, and a cold sweat at 3am.

full-time feeler. part-time hater. weekly voice note.

new episodes every tuesday. send your emails to ihearyoubabepod@gmail.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone, and I'm your host. We've got a great episode for you all today. It's a bunch of emails that you all sent into IHear You Babepod at gmail.com. And as always, a bunch of the dumb shit that's going on here in New York City to make you feel like a bunch of the dumb shit that's going on in your life is a little bit less dumb. Okay. So, first of all, girls, I have to just say it's Thursday. And I know that it's Thursday. I know I know it's Thursday. Okay, the episode was supposed to be out on Monday. And it is Thursday. I just want us to all be in alignment about that before we move any any any more steps forward. And and and here's exactly what happened. So I got the flu. I thought it was gonna be like this 24-hour sitch. But no, girl, it was the actual flu. And it wasn't just giving like flu-like symptoms. This wasn't like, you know, it wasn't just like a little vibe of the flu was like, you know, it wasn't just like bigger allergies. It was it was a whole on situation. You know, whatever. Which is, you know, and the other thing about people ex assuming that it's probably just like a big dose of allergies or like whatever, that's a whole other situation conversation, but first Darius got a fever, and then I was feeling okay. And then I taught like I I it was Sunday, Monday, no, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. So on Sunday, Darius had the flu or got the fever, and then Monday I was still feeling fine. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, I taught three classes on each day, right? So then by the time Tuesday morning happened, I was like, uh-oh. And then I was like, I went down completely, and I was like basically horizontal for the better part of this week. Honestly, doing absolutely nothing useful. And I was feeling well, I don't know if it's useful or not, but like I was feeling very sorry for myself, which I think I think is warranted, given the given the state, given the state of the world right now, like let me just be a baby whenever I'm sick for the love of God, just fucking give it to me, you know? So anyway, so I sound like I'm recording this from inside of a very small, like um small, stuffy, like well, submarine. That's why my nose is like, you know, every once in a while, like one side is functional, then the other side is functional, but they're never both fully functional at the same time. And my voice is a little bit more monotone than it usually is. So let's call that a little rough around the edges. Any, but I'm here anyway because I love you, and also because I refuse to let the flu win. Obviously, like have we met? No, I gave up yesterday. Yesterday I was like, and that should cause you anxiety when you work seven days a week for a long time, and then all of a sudden you're like forced to not move. I owe so many people so many emails. But also, like, you know what?

SPEAKER_05 3:49

It's gonna be fine.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

And and before anybody sends me any more DMs, I'm not being lazy. I'm actually really sick. Or why I was sick. I mean, I'm still pretty, I'm still pretty, I'm still feeling, you know, a little what do you call it?

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Weak. I get so weak with the flu, I can hardly speak. I lose our control.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

If you know what I just did, you're in my age cohort. Anyway, listen, the inbox is full. That's the episode is ready to go. So I got here as fast as I could, okay? I and when you yell at me, God. Uh also, one more thing before we get it into it. I'm leaving on Monday. I'm gonna go home and see my brother. And I'm not gonna say a lot about it right now because I don't quite really have a lot of, I don't really know exactly what to say about it yet, but uh, but I ain't but he's going through a little bit of something, and I want to be there with my mom and and him, so that's where I'll be after this. And if things get a little quiet here for a second, then you know why. But but also like I think we're gonna be good. But anyway, so that's all I'm gonna say about that for right now. We'll let's talk about Pala Abdul.

SPEAKER_05 5:07

Because you know, okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

I don't know if this happens to you, but this has definitely been happening to me lately. I mean, I don't know if it needs to be necessarily addressed on the podcast, but I mean, why not? You guys are my people, but I've been having a really fun time rediscovering like the um music of my of my like teenage years that I was into because I grew up in Western PA and I was obviously I was a boy, and so but I also love female vocalists like from the time I was like a baby. Or I've also like loved R ⁇ B, I've also liked hip hop. I I just I loved the I loved any and all that. So okay, I had a night the other night where I was just being silly and I, you know, whatever. Do you know whenever like the that that one YouTube video comes on and then all of a sudden it's like it's that song leads to this song, this song leads to that song, that song leads to the next song. So it went it went for a while, right? So I went down memory lane the other day, and so I was like, so I started with like Paul Abdul Rush Rush, and then we did like a full-on catalog of hits from Boys to Men. Then I did 112, and if you haven't heard It's Over Now by 112, it's the best. I love Peaches and Cream, and I love you know, I but like if you haven't heard Oh man, you got you have to. So, and then we did SWV, which everything from right here to week to look, don't even get me started on that. And then also PM Dawn, if you guys remember that. There's a couple songs there that should be also any old Madonna stuff. I really love everything, everybody come on, dance and sing. Everything from that, which is the very first Madonna song ever, all the way through, I don't know, you know, we can talk about that later, but also some Tina Turner, just all the good stuff anyway. So I was like playing this and the doing my best to sing.

SPEAKER_04 7:38

Sorry, I'm just having a little bit of a Celsius right now.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

But I don't know, I just feel like those songs, they don't even make they don't even make songs like that anymore, do they? They really don't. So anyway, all I all I and I all I want to know is like who wants to be who wants to who wants to put together a s start a playlist on Spotify with some of these old songs that we can continue to add to it and just call it like I don't even know, back in the day buffet or something. Because I can't get enough of this stuff. You forget how good this music actually is, like you genuinely forget, and then and then you go on about your life, and then like rush rush comes on, and you literally stop what you're doing. I mean, like, I think well, for me at least, I physically stop like mid-sentence, whatever I'm fucking doing, I'm done. And then you just listen because like Rush Rush is like honestly a perfect song. Do you remember the video where she was like that woman in the 50s who had the flags in her hand, and she was like, She was getting those boys who were driving those fast cars. Look, Keanu Reeves was in that video. Okay, and if you haven't seen that video or you haven't heard that song, you've been sleeping on it. Okay, and then not to mention, that song has the best violin solo of any of any song of all time. Girl, I I learned you don't even know this, but I learned how to do the air violin to that song. And that violin comes in, it starts to do some things, you know what I mean? It's not just like playing around. It was like whoever played that violin looked at Paula Abdul pop song and said, I'm gonna give you everything I have and everything that I've ever had. And they did. They served at eight, and it is everything. And I'd forgotten about it, and and then every time I hear that song and the violin solo comes on, I'm like, shh. And then I like tuck my chin over to my left shoulder, and then I bring my left hand up, and then my right hand becomes the bow, and all of a sudden, and all of a sudden, you know, and and then I get furious at myself for never having taken violin lessons because I had always thought I could nail that part. And then wait, okay, so then there's uh Boys and Men. So listen, there's too many songs. End of the Road, make love to you, Motown Philly, which I think was their like breakout hit.

SPEAKER_05 10:24

And I don't even know.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

My favorite is Four Seasons of Change. And and if that's illegal, you guys can take me right to jail, strap some handcuffs on me and take me right away. Because it but again, 112, criminally underrated, if you ask me, but but we're not taking questions on that today. Um, SWV, blah, blah, blah, Coco and her nails, if you don't know what I'm talking about. I am so weak in the knee and then uh the weird thing is these songs they fucking hold up, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:06

Also, who else are we talking about? Oh, P.M. Dawn. Whatever it is I do, I'm always thinking of you.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

I die without you. There's Stay With Me. I don't know, it's very vulnerable RB. You know what I mean? Think about it. Think about it before you come to me. And then there was what else? All the old Madonna songs, like, you know, I already talked about everybody, but like holiday still holds up that song, Lucky Star into the Groove. And then what else we talk about? Oh, Tina Turner, my thoughts re you know. I just think you gotta, I don't know. Anyway, so I've been into my music feelings this week, and I mean, I don't know, and I guess it connects to the episode actually. But first, before we start anything else, I want to just give you like a little bit of an update about what's going on in the studio because whatever, and then we're gonna get really the fuck into these emails because I've been talking for so long. But we're developing in here and then what you know about what we're doing. So the Italian energy in the studio is like growing. We're kind of leaning in to it fully with no notes. We're gonna get an espresso machine at some point. We've got some lemons already on display, which is amazing. We the couch is like almost fully reupholstered, which is so stunning. The like I said, there's lemons because uh the other part of the studio is like I I want it to smell like lemons, right? Like, so actually, like smell like the amalfi coast. I want to walk in here and feel like someone's making like a limoncello nearby, and like so. Anyway I want it to smell more lemony in the studio, and I want to know how we can make that happen. I I'm not doing like a lemon candle or anything, but anyway, the uh studio itself is like almost fully ready. We've got some like a few little things that we're gonna do left, but like I also want to get Italian playing cards into the studio because if you don't know about Italian playing cards, it's like the Neapolit, it's the Neapolitan decked deck. And there's like some you know the regional variations, but like they they're different suits. You should know they're I mean, and they're really beautiful cards, they're old as hell, and they have their own logic, and they and I feel like I feel like they belong in a place like this that you know so anyway. I want people to come into this view and see them and ask about them, and kind of that's the vision too. So okay, so people have been telling me to use essential like lemon essential oil into it in a diffuser.

SPEAKER_05 14:08

So that's what we're gonna try, but you guys let me know.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

And also, have you guys heard of like lemon verbena? The plant? I I guess you can get it at like um a garden store or whatever, but like and it like if you brush up against it, I guess your whole hand smells like lemon for a whole for an hour. So I want to get one of those for the studio, but anyway, someone also said something about like dried lemon peel near the espresso machine, like a whole I don't know. Anyway, so anyway, by summer the studio is gonna smell like the amalficos. I'm telling you. Telling you. So anyway, last night was a really fun night. Cause I was something special, really. I woke up and I was soaking wet, like and completely entirely soaked. Oh, honestly, I felt like I had been in a swimming pool. And and then so I got up and like I'm I don't even know. I you know when you wake up and it's like I couldn't have swept that much for that long because the like my body was wet. I had like like droplets of sweat on my legs, as well as like the sheets were wet. Now mind you, I have like a thing over the sheets or underneath the sheets above the mattress because I have a tendency of like I'll sweat out a fever, and like I'm not trying to ruin my mattress that way, but I sweat through that set of sheets, and then instead of like switching out the sheets, because I was so tired, Darius like just helped me. Like, we just threw like another because God bless him, he slept on the couch in me space to like be annoying. And so then I we threw down another sheet, like a brand new clean sheet. Sorry, I had to have a sip of my electrolyte blue. Mmm, god, that's so good. And this electrolyte zero blue, by the way. I anyway, like I said, I wasn't sure my body was capable of producing that amount of sweat. Threw the next sheet down, blah, blah, blah. Went to sleep again. And you know, like I've sweat before. This shit was different. My body was like evacuating a whole something. I have exercised the day. And the worst part was that by the time I woke up, it was like freezing cold. You know, and you're just like, Jesus Christ. And so you get up, and I was like, I all and then I had to pee because all I did was drink like liquids yesterday and eat, God bless him again. He made homemade bla uh chicken noodle soup with gluten-free noodles. What? I know, but stay away, ladies.

SPEAKER_05 17:22

He's married.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

So I just got up this morning after the third round of sweating through. The third time I woke up, I was like, you know what, just keep going. I don't know why my butt my my brain told me to do that. So I was just like, just see if you can just like just go to sleep again, just fall back asleep. So, right, if I don't move, like the sweat doesn't feel cold. And so I just fell back asleep again. I woke up and I was like, I think I'm feeling a little bit better.

SPEAKER_05 18:01

It's fine.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

I just want to be clear, everything's good, and and so that, and then so I was gonna try to record this yesterday, but I was like, I don't think that's gonna happen. So then that happened, and then you know, I want to tell you because we're you know full transparency, right? Because like I think we're friends, also because you know, number two, waking up in a cold sweat and then getting up and making espresso and your Italian studio while doing Rush Rush. It's a very specific experience, and I want to document it for you. Anyway, since we're documenting the full Sakara Darius and I literally were laid out horizontal, we watched the entire Habit trilogy extended edition, and then the Lord of the Rings trilogy extended edition back to back. All of them. Does that make us weird? I don't know. Anyway, so here I am. It's Thursday, it's not Monday, but and my nose is not working. My cold sweat is gone. So round of applause for that. We're singing a little bit, you know. Listen, Paula Abdul lives rent-free. I'm about to put that, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put that order in for the lemon diffuser, lemon essential oil diffuser, because I think that might be the vibe. And and look, I got my Electrolyte Zero Blue right next to me. And here's the thing um, you know, everything I've been doing lately, that's like the music rediscovery tour, building out the Italian studio with the lemons and the playing cards and all that stuff. And uh it's all me going back to the things that make that feel like specifically mine, you know, things that I loved before I decided I was like too grown up or you know, too busy or whatever for to enjoy them. And and then one day Rush Rush came on and I I stopped and I went, oh fuck, I missed this song. And and that's I feel like that's this week's episode, if I'm you know. Sorry. And look, here we are again. How many minutes into the episode? We still haven't gone over the prompt. The prompt was, what are you pretending is fine right now? And I guess you guys really showed up for this one because the inbox was fool. Full. Full, full, not fool, full. You were you know the difference between pull and pull? Full and fool. Same difference. You learned something new. I just put those two things together today. Thank God this is gonna be recorded into perpetuity. Alright. So you were not fine about so many things, and I am so grateful that you trusted me with all these things because I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

Why don't I just shut up and get into it? How about that?

SPEAKER_01 21:16

How about that? You like apples, Dino? How about that? You want some applesauce? Okay. Let's get into these emails, girls. The first one says, hi, Dino. Well up. The first time emailing, but I've been listening since like episode 12. I have no idea. I tell people to listen from the I tell them to listen to the episodes backwards because if I'm honest, I don't know. I don't know what I was doing. I say listen backwards. When when you start to get to the ones that give you like a little bit of a like give you like a little cringe, like you know what I mean? If it starts to give you the ick, then stop listening. The earlier episodes are Ek. Not ek. I first when I record on like a mini mic.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

You guys, stop yelling at me.

SPEAKER_05 22:09

Makes me feel incompetent.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

First time emailing, but I've been listening since email or episode 12. So I feel like we know each other, even though you don't know that I exist, which is fine. No, now I know you exist. I'm not gonna say your name out loud, but now I know I know you exist. Which and she says is totally fine. See what I did there? No, it's not fine. I know you exist now. So what am I pretending is fine? Well, my apartment situation. Oh boy. My roommate who I found on Facebook Marketplace because I was desperate. I didn't know you could find those there. Because I was desperate, and it was that our move back to Connecticut has been bringing her boyfriend over literally every night since February. Every night. So many times that now I say it in my sleep. No. Oh god, have your dreams been crazy lately, too? My dreams have been insane. Okay, wait. No worries at all during a nightmare. No, not no worries at all. Not you being, not you being a pushover in your nightmare. That's not normal, she said. That's a person who hasn't been done themselves entirely. I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you because I totally can empathize. So, anyway, the drawer, it has socks in it. I have seen the socks. I have not said anything about the socks and need your help. Well, hello and welcome. I'm so glad you finally wrote an email. Because that's cute. First time episode 12, listener.

SPEAKER_02 24:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Okay. You whispered, no worries at all. Like, no worries at all in your nightmare. Like I could see the hand gesture that went along. I was like, you're just like, don't worry about it. Like, no worries at all. Like.

SPEAKER_05 24:45

And like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Imagine you're being in a nightmare and you're like actively being terrorized by somebody. It's like honestly just your subconscious responding, and you're like responsible is like, don't just fine. Don't like don't even worry about it. That's not a roommate problem. I feel like that's like maybe a I'm gonna say this while holding your hand. I think it might be a little bit of a you problem. Only wait, hold on. But in the most loving way possible, be like you have said like no worries at all so many times that it like it's like overwritten.

SPEAKER_04 25:28

The what do they call that shit in the nature?

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Fight or flight response. You overrode your fight or flight response. And you're a person who like when um when danger comes, now you're like, you say, no worries. And that is the performance of fine art at its most advanced. And I need you to understand how serious this is because you know, and then also he has socks in a drawer in your apartment that he doesn't pay for. And like you saw the socks and you looked like directly at them, you made eye contact with the socks, and you didn't even say anything. So then you let the socks like just be there and exist, coexist in your home and in this drawer and in your life. And yet you said nothing about the socks because you didn't write to me about the boyfriend or the every single night. You wrote you wrote to me about the socks, which means that the socks are not the problem. Probably not. The socks are like, what do you call it, like the receipt? They're what they're what six months of like quote unquote no worries at all. Looks like whenever I guess it has to finally land somewhere, live somewhere, you know. Say something about the drawer. Not the socks. The drawer. Because if you say something about the socks, I mean it's like you've been in the drawer, you know what I mean? But I believe you, I hear you, and I and I feel like just have the conversation. It's way, it's way easier in the end, if you ask me. So okay, the next email says, Dino. I've been writing this email in my head for a few weeks. I started after listening to the bestie breakups episode on my commute and cried so hard on the red line that a stranger asked if I was okay. And I said, I want you to notice this. Oh, I'm fine, just a podcast. Perfect opener for this week's prompt, honestly. That's man, I feel like a lot of us have been there. You know, anyway, that's very cute, very nice.

SPEAKER_05 27:46

Don't cry. But I totally get it.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

So it says, I'm pretending my marriage is fine. All right. Let's put these uh let's put the serious sunglasses on. I want to be really careful here because I love my husband, which of course you do. I genuinely love him. He is a good man. He does the dishes without being asked. He remembers that I hate cilantro. Oh, good. He's the kind of me too. Not hate, but we could do without. I like parsley. He is the kind of person who when your parents get when your parent gets a bad diagnosis, shows up with food you didn't ask for, and then leaves you alone with your feelings, which is exactly right. He is so exactly right in so many ways. Okay, I hear I feel like a butt coming. So oh, here we go. But something shifted, and I don't know when. I think after a certain number of days of a particular pattern of behavior, it starts to feel commonplace, right? And then that's how patterns and that's how behaviors begin to ingrain themselves because they just feel anyway. Not me being a doctor. So but something shifted, and I don't know when, but I but okay. Here's what I mean. We got married at 28. Okay. My dad was 28 when he had me. I'm 46.

SPEAKER_02 29:43

So when my dad was 46, I was fucking 18.

SPEAKER_01 29:49

I'll let you do that, math, but so he got married at 28. I was so certain. We wanted the same things, the apartment, and then the house, then kids, probably, career stuff, travel when we could, a life. We talked about it like it was a plan, and then we started executing the plan. And somewhere in the executing, I think I forgot to check in with myself about whether I still wanted the plan. You know, when a plan takes a long time to execute like that, people can evolve in the middle, you know? Or maybe I did check in and I didn't like the answer, so I just kept executing. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, it's like the keep the blinders on and just like keep going. Eventually you'll get to a place where I feel like that's kind of what a lot of success people do. It's just like, oh God, I fucking hate this. But if I just stay in it, I can just continue to make money. At a certain point, they'll be paying me for like not doing anything, which is kind of how it works, right? The first few years you get way underpaid. The next like big chunk of time you get paid, probably what you deserve to be paid. And then for the last like big chunks of time, you get paid like too much and then way too much. Hmm. So two years ago, I got offered a job in Seattle, a really good job. What was I even talking about? How do we go there? The kind of job that would have changed the shape of my whole career. And I turned it down because my husband had just gotten a promotion and I was and it was the wrong time. And I turned it down and I told him it was fine, I was fine, the timing wasn't right, and there would be other opportunities. There have not been other opportunities, not like that one. And I don't blame him. I never, he never told me not to take it. He said it was my choice, he meant it too, but we both knew what the choice was, and I made it and I moved on. And I have been fine about it since. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. But here's the thing: I've been sitting with it, and I'm not sure that the problem is the job. I think the job was just the first moment I noticed I had been quietly shrinking myself to fit the shape of the life we decided on. And the shrinking didn't hurt exactly, it just accumulated. I know that's right. Like water damage. You don't notice it until you look at the ceiling one day and realize the whole thing is compromised. Last month, he and I went to his cousin's wedding and someone asked us about the kids because of course they did. We're 33 and married, and it's like a federal requirement that someone asked. And he said, We're thinking about it, and smiled at me, and I smiled back and said, Hopefully soon, and and everybody moved on. So I have not told him that I am not sure I want kids. I have been sure I wanted kids since I was born. I have had names picked out since I was 26, and sometime in the last two years, without any particular moment I can point out, I became not sure. And I have not said this out loud to anyone. And at that wedding, I smiled and said, soon, hopefully. And then I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror for a really long time. And I don't even know what I want to say to this. I just needed to say it somewhere. And you always say you don't you read everything, so here it is. Thank you for existing. Well, yes, I'm so happy that that's the whole point. I want you be you to be able to be able to air anonymously whatever's going on. And I love this kind of stuff because I feel like there's so many people out there that relate to this. Look, I've never even said this on the podcast ever because you know the potty is the potty. And it's mostly for good, it's for giggles and all that other good stuff. But like this past week, I've had like three or four people come up to me, and I like honestly, I would never even say this because it'd be I would be like, no, but because unless there was a witness to it, I'd be like, No, I'm gonna think I'm being a total douchebag. But like I've had like three or four people say, like, yo, the podcast is so fun. So just so you know, for the people who actually end up building the courage to send their stories in, people are listening, and anyway, and and also it's helpful, is what I mean to say. So, anyway, so you wrote like fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, like five times in a row. And I feel like a person who's actually good or fine doesn't need to write it five times in a row. Like one fine is fine, you know, two finds, okay. You know, five fines is like nine one one, you know? And then like, can we go back to the wedding for a second? Because someone asked about kids, and he said we're thinking about it. And then you smiled and said, like soon, hopefully, and then you went into the bathroom. I mean, I don't know, when you look at yourself in the mirror for a long time and you're in there and it feels like you're whenever that happens, the bathroom's a really good place for man, it makes really good TV, but it's a really good place for like a whole reckoning. A private one, you know? Well, a private one around people that you don't know. It's like it's like either after dinner between dessert and dinner, like you in the bathroom having that like moment with your cocktail. I don't know. I feel like I know that mirror. Don't you you know that do you know that mirror? That mirror has seen some shit. So here's what I want to say though, but and I mean this, because I uh you didn't write to me about your marriage being bad, because I'm trying to do my best due diligence to like dig a little deeper. I mean, you didn't say that the marriage was bad, you wrote to me about performing fine for a long time, so long that you like lost track of what you were actually want. And those things are different problems because like the water damage image, like that's the one. You already clocked the ceiling. Now you have to deal with it before it gets worse, right?

SPEAKER_05 36:55

So I don't know. I like therapy.

SPEAKER_01 37:03

So I would like to do that, and then it would like deal with him. Not to blow anything up, but because like he knows the dishes and remembers the cilantro, and he's your person, right? So like he deserves to know what's actually in your head, and so do you. So anyway, I hear you, I really, really, really do. So, okay. The next one says hi Dina. I bought a salt drop membership in January. Well, thank you so much. And it's April. I've have not gone. Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop it. Every week I look at the schedule and I go, okay, Tuesday morning, that's the one. And that's when starting, and then Tuesday morning comes and I snooze my alarm three times and make a coffee and look at the schedule again and go, okay, next Tuesday. I've done this for 16 consecutive Tuesdays. Girl, we need, can you send me a separate email? Okay, and then when people ask me how I'm working out, I say, Oh, I have a salt drop membership. I've been going to this really great studio present tense. I say, I've been going like I am a person who goes. I am not a person who goes. I know, I know that. I'm a person who pays for a thing and then feels guilty about the thing and then lies about the thing and then goes home and watches TV and tells myself I'll definitely go next week. The fitness guilt has now expanded into a general guilt, which allow which follows me everywhere. Oh no, please don't do that. I feel guilty at work because I didn't go to salt drop. I feel guilty eating dinner because I didn't go to salt drop. Stop it. I dream about salt drop. Last week I had a dream where I was like to a class, and the instructor who in the dream looked like my high school gym teacher for some reason told me I had forfeited my soul and I woke up in a sweat. I think that's just a fever, babe. Pretending that I'm a person who works out. I am not currently a person who works out. Okay. I'm a person who could work out theoretically, structurally. The infrastructure is there. I just need to go. Please help me. Okay, well, listen, 16 Tuesdays? That's almost four months of waking up and going, like, today is the day. And uh and then going right back to sleep. I think that's a commitment to your sleep. And I think that's deep and passionate dedication. And I don't think that would I don't know if I'm gonna be able to like I don't know that I can change that part, you know. But here's the weird part the gym teacher thing. You know, you know, you dreamed about salt drop, and then the instructor looked like your high school gym teacher and told you you had forfeited your soul. And you didn't know that you are your what do you call this? Your subconscious did not have to escalate to was like that's like the eternal damnation that you are, you know, over a fitness class that you're paying for monthly. You're not pretending the salt drop thing is fine, you're pretending that um like the version of you who goes to salt drop is a person who currently exists, and she doesn't exist yet, that's all. And the gap between who you're performing and who you're actually being is exhausting to maintain because like the you know, I feel like the guilt thing is just like the when you spiral like that, I think it's proving that it doesn't really work. Your brain's working over time to keep that story going.

SPEAKER_04 41:03

That shit's exhausting. So let's go, let's book the class, girl.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

This Tuesday, let's not wait till next Tuesday. It's like this one, this fucking class, let it be awkward, let it be hard. Get up and hate yourself and fucking just throw it back in a ponytail, put a hat on, let's fucking go. And then you come back and you tell me how it was. The soul forfeiture dream goes away like after that first class. I swear to God. And I might not see you this Tuesday because I'll be in Pennsylvania, but I'll see you the very next one. Okay, this next one says, my okay, I'm not gonna I can't read that's okay. I'm not gonna read the subject line of this one because it kind of gives it away, but it says, Hi, Dino. My mother at Thanksgiving last November looked at me across the table and said, and I'm quoting her directly, you look tired, sweetheart. Are you sleeping? That's like eight tenths of the conversations that I have with my mom. I was wearing a new dress. I had done my hair though. I was wearing concealer. Oh no. I said, I'm great, mom, just busy. I have thought about this interaction every single day for five months. Girl.

unknown 42:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

We gotta like let this one go. I think a little bit. I've replayed it at 2 a.m. I've constructed 17 different responses I could have given. I have a whole internal document of compacts that live rent-free in my brand. Carl, that's good. Keep those ready. You never know when you'll need them and in what in what context. She goes on to say, and I have never been, and none of these have ever been spoken aloud to another human being. My mother and I speak twice a week. We've spoken approximately 40 times since Thanksgiving. Oh my goodness. Nah, you guys doing math like this? I have not brought it up once. She has not brought it up once. We talk about the weather, my brother's kids, what she's watching on TV, whether I've tried the new Trader Joe's thing. Everything is fine between us. Like everything is completely fine. I did return address for what it's worth, not because of her, but for other reasons. Totally. For other reasons. What were the other reasons? I need to know what the other reasons are. Because I think we all know what the other reasons are, and and their name is You look tired, sweetheart. No? Look, but listen, I get I'm only laughing because that's my experience every single time I go home. My mom's even cut my hair before. And then not too far away distance from now. It was like six months ago. And then when I got my hair cut the next time after that, the guy who cut my hair, who's my one of my besties, was like. I just fixed what your mom did. So here's I so I know exactly what's going on. Here's exactly what's happening. Okay. You have a what'd you say, 17 response internal document, which by the way, I'm stealing that phrase, of comebacks. You've never said even like out loud. So, and then you talked to your mom 40 times since then. And you covered the weather, your brother's kids, and some TV shows and Trader Joe's and TJs. And you and you've covered all of it without saying any of the 17 things that you wanted to say on that sheet, which is an extraordinary amount of um discipline for a person who's pretending everything's fine. Because man, one step one comment like that from my mom like, uh, why don't I shut down. Anyway, you don't have to say the 17 things. You really don't, yeah, at least I don't think you do. Some passive aggressive comments from my get filed under the things she said once someday.

SPEAKER_05 45:08

Do you know what I mean? You put a put them in that folder.

SPEAKER_01 45:13

And and that's it. You gotta make that choice. Cause of course, navigating the kind of stuff is like making a bunch of choices, right? And sometimes you have to make choices about like where we're going with this kind of stuff. And I think we have to make the choice to file it in that like remember that one time that mom said blah blah blah. But stop pretending that you're not carrying it. It got you know, it got the dress returned, girl. It's gonna that weighs a little bit on you, but I'm sure you looked great in the dress. By the way, can you guys send pictures, please? And I said what I said.

SPEAKER_05 45:59

The next email says I can't read this subject either.

SPEAKER_01 46:10

Dino I didn't get promoted. I found out six weeks ago. I have told exactly no one. Uh-oh. Did you tell people that you got did you tell people that you did get promoted though? Because that's a whole other story. And she says, Well, that's not entirely true. I told my mom, but I told her in a way that made it sound fine. Like I decided not to pursue it. Like I had graciously stepped back for reasons that served me like it was my choice. My mom says, Oh, that sounds very mature of you. And I said, Thanks, yeah. And we moved on to talking about my cousin's wedding, and I and I have been living in that lie ever since. So here's the actual story. I've been at my company for four years, but for the last two of those years, I've been doing the job of someone at the next level. Not because I was asked to, but I mean I would sort of ask to, in the way the companies ask you to do things without officially asking, where there's no title change and no pay change, but there's like a very strong implication that this is what advancement looks like. So, you know, I would stay late, I took up projects that were above my pay grade, and I made my manager look good in rooms I wasn't even invited into. I was the person who, when something needed to get done, got it done. So I had a conversation with my manager in December where she told me I was she was gonna go to bat for me for the senior associate role. Those were her exact words. Gonna go to bat. I went home for that night and I was so happy. I took myself out to dinner. I called my best friend, not my mom, my best friend, who knew the actual situation. And I said, I think it's finally happening. In February, the role was given to a guy named Derek, who's been at the company for 14 months. And he's fine. He's perfectly adequate human being who I have no specific grievance with as a person, but he's been here for 14 months. By the way, I changed the name. Ba duh. I have been here for four years, have been doing this job for two of those years, and he got the promotion instead. My manager sat me down and told me my work was exceptional, and that I was such a valued member of the team, and that the timing just wasn't right, and that there would be other opportunities to use the phrase other opportunities twice. I counted. I nodded, I said I understood, I said I appreciated her transparency. I thanked her for the feedback. I went back to my desk, I opened my laptop, and I kept working. And that was six weeks ago. Since then, I have done my job, been I've been pleasant to him, attended a team lunch where I sat next to him and asked him about his weekend. I helped him with a presentation he was struggling with, smiled at him in the hallway, and received a compliment from my manager about what great attitude I have. I literally go home every night and I'm so tired. Not like sleepy tired, but like tired from the inside out. I'm pretending the promotion thing is fine. I'm pretending that not only not currently updating my resume every night at 11 p.m., pretending I haven't applied to three jobs. I'm pretending that other opportunities is something I believe in. I don't know what I want you to say, but I needed somewhere to send this in someone to read this. I hear you, babe. See what I did? Okay, so this guy, 14 months. He's been there for 14 months, and you've been there for four years, and you've been doing this job, and they gave it to him. And then I and like I feel like this part needs to be absorbed, right? You helped him with his presentation. Uh-huh. You sat next to him at the team lunch, and you asked him about his weekend, and you smiled at him in the hallway, and that's like a like a gold medalist Olympic level of performing, you're fine. That's a gold medal performance. That's good discipline. But you know, and then your manager has the audacity and to compliment your attitude. Not your attitude. Because you perform fine so beautifully that she took it for being fine, and that's like very cruel. You're not pretending that the promotion is fine though, which I think that in some way you're pr you're just pretending that you're fine. You know what I mean? Three applications, like doing the re redoing a resume. I feel like that's not like bitterness. That's like your gut telling you something you've been like faking for a while, which is like your gut's telling you to keep going. You know? Maybe just call your best friend and tell her the actual story, not like the the one, like the mature, graceful version. So maybe she just needs the real one. The one you know that like really happened. Girl, I would have promoted you. Just know that. I know that's right. And this next one says. Which is a compliment. Aww. Stop it. That sounds very cute. Thank you so much. She says, What am I pretending is fine? Retirement. I can see where this is going. Okay. I retired eight months ago because I had spent 31 years in hospital administration. I planned it and I looked forward to it. And my husband retired two years ago, and he loves it. He does golfing, he gardens, and he even found 17 different podcasts about the Civil War and is very happy. I am bored out of my mind. You mean those 17 podcasts?

SPEAKER_04 53:10

Sorry, I had to open my Celsius. Yeah, it's number two.

SPEAKER_01 53:16

What are you gonna do? This is the only thing keeping me like upright right now. Okay, so just relax. I am bored out of my mind. I've organized everything that I can be organized. I've walked every trail within 15 miles. Girl, don't go alone. I've started three books and finished zero because I can't concentrate. That's like my whole life. I volunteered at the library for two months, and then they asked me to co-chair the fundraising committee, and I said yes, and then ran it like a quarterly business review. And I think they I may have scared some off some of the volunteers. All right. When people ask how retirement is going, I say, it's wonderful. I don't know how I had time to work. I've said this so many times that I have started to actually believe it. And then I wake up at 5 a.m. because I was dreaming about a spreadsheet, and then I remember my husband thinks I'm thriving. I've not corrected him. I don't know what to do about it yet, but I wanted to say it out loud somehow. Thank you for the show. Tell your cats I say hi. Uh-huh. They say hi too. And all by the way, your daughter has excellent taste. No, I appreciate you guys listening. And I just want to say that at 17 Civil War podcasts, that if your husband has found 17 Civil War podcasts, and like I see him, this okay. My I see him in a little garden listening to like listening to stories about war. And he is the writing. Meanwhile, you ran into a you went you ran a library fundraiser, like it was a quarterly business review, and it's like, you think you scared off some of the other volunteers? And I think that makes you fucking cool. I love you and everything about you. Those volunteers are gonna be just fine, you know? Okay, but like, okay, so but here, let's get really into what so you planned this, right? You look forward to it, and you still woke up bored. And instead of saying that, you've been walking around every trail within 15 miles by yourself. Don't don't I can't co-sign that, and and starting books you can't finish, and like and telling people, I don't know how I had time to work, like someone performing retirement on a stage.

SPEAKER_05 55:47

You know, and like even your husband thinks you're thriving.

SPEAKER_01 55:55

And you've not corrected him yet. So that's 31 years, is that it's not a job after 31 years, you know that, right? It's like it's it's who you are in the world every day for like five days a week, or maybe seven days, who knows how many days a week for that many years. And grief doesn't care that you like you planned it out. And I feel like that's maybe what a little bit of this is feels like a little griefy. Like maybe you're grieving the I your identity. And maybe you need to do a little bit more than a trail walk to sort it out, you know what I mean? Maybe just tell him I think he loves you, right? So like he can handle, you know, actually I'm bored and I don't know who I am right now. And then, you know, you have a little bit of space to find your thing. You know, when it doesn't like scare the volunteers. Anyway, the cats say back. Hi back. They say hey back. They say they say back. The cats say hey back. Jesus Christ. All right, there's one more. Should we finish this one? All right, let's finish strong. Let's finish strong.

SPEAKER_05 57:13

The next one says Okay.

SPEAKER_01 57:22

Dino, I've been listening to your podcast almost since the beginning. Oh, thank you so much. I found the show during a very specific Saturday afternoon when I was stress cleaning my apartment after a fight with my ex that I hadn't quite admitted what was a fight yet. And your voice came through my speaker, and I just stopped cleaning and sat on the floor and listened to the whole episode. Oh, stop it. And it was one of those early inbox ones. I don't remember the episode, but I remember sitting on that floor. Oh, geez, those early episodes. Boy, oh boy, cringy. But I'm glad that it resonated with you. I've been trying to write this email for a long time, every single episode, I think. But this time. And then I write half of it and I close the laptop because everything about finishing it means admitting the whole thing. Yeah. But this prompt, what are you pretending is fine? I cannot not answer this one. Because the answer is literally everything. Uh-oh. So it says I'm 34 years old and I live alone in a one-bedroom in Queens that I love and pay too much for. Yeah. I have a good job in marketing that I have had for six years, that and that pays me well, and that I have no strong feeling about in either direction, which I've spent six years pretending is the same thing as being satisfied. I have no, I have good friends, I'm in excellent health. My life looks like something a person should be grateful for. Okay, we're talking about money. I perform grateful constantly. I say things like, I really can't complain, and things are good, and I'm in a really solid place, and with the conviction of someone who really has rehearsed them in the shower, which I have. I know the shower is a really great place to perform at stuff and rehearse and have great, great thoughts. I have the best thoughts in the shower. So here's what's actually going on. The job. I have known since year three that I've outgrown this job. Not in a promotion way. I've gotten the promotions. The problem is that I do not care about what I'm doing. I'm very good at something I do not care about, and every perform performance review where they tell me how exceptional I feel this particular quiet horror. Like, what if this is it? What if I'm exceptional at this and this is what I do, and this is what I'm for? I go home on Fridays and I feel nothing. Not bad, just nothing. And I have been telling myself that for that nothing is fine, that passion is a luxury, and I should be grateful. And there's the word again, and I keep executing the job very well and feeling nothing. The relationship thing. I ended a two-year relationship 18 months ago, and it was the right call, and I'm great, genuinely grateful, genuinely okay about it. Sorry, that part is actually fine. But what I'm not fine about is that I'm actually scared. Because I'm 34 and I live alone and I'm not panicked about it the way that the internet told me I would be. And also I'm absolutely panicked about it in a very specific and private way that I've never let anybody see. Okay, so this says, okay, it's not about a timeline. I would just like to love somebody and be loved by someone. And I don't know how to hold that. And I don't know how to hold that want without it feeling like an admission of something. Like wanting it means I'm not okay with where I am, but I'm supposed to be okay with where I am. I perform thriving excellently. The body thing. Oh, we're going deep in this one. This is the one thing I never said out loud. Okay. I spent most of my 20s at war with my body in the quiet way that a lot of women do, not in a clinical disorder way, just in the constant low-grade noise of not being quite right way. And I worked on it, I did the therapy, I generally got better. And I will say that I'm fine about my body to anyone who asks, and mostly I mean it. But sometimes I catch myself in a mirror in a certain light, and then the old noise comes back like a radio that's mostly off, but not all the way off. And I breathe through it and I move on, and I don't say anything because I'm better. And better is supposed to mean I'm done with that shit. But better is not being done with that shit. Better is ongoing. And I have been pretending better is done with that shit because admitting the noise still comes sometimes, feels like failure on all the work that I've done. It's not a failure. I know it's not failure, but I needed to say it. And what I'm pretending is fine is the gap between the life I have, which is honestly good. I want to make that clear, and the life that feels like mine. Built out of the things I chose because I wanted them, not because they were available. And I was capable and it seemed like something to be grateful for. I sat on the floor and listened to you talk about a listener's mess and thought, oh, someone is allowed to be a mess too. And I've been listening ever since. Thank you for making me feel like the mess is allowed. Girl, it's all a mess. I really can't complain. It's the thing that I keep coming back to in this email, honestly. Like, you wrote, like, I can't complain. And then like you went on to write like a literal novel about things that you were not okay with, you know. And you're allowed. You just sent it to me, and that counts. You can complain about all the stuff that you want to. And I mean, and then you said grateful a bunch of times because, and I don't think it was an accident. Because like grateful, I think is a real thing, if you just ask me. You know, I think it gets a little bit of a bad rep, but sometimes we're we use grateful like it's like a, you know, I don't know, like a lid. Like if we push down on it hard enough over what is like popping out, like we don't have to look at what's underneath. And and it feels like your lid is very well maintained. Six years of like I can uh really can't complain. That's like a big lid. So it's like the job, the wanting someone, the mirror, and then and then you say something about like the gap between the life you have and and the life that feels like yours is not a character flaw. I feel like it's honest. And you know, the piece that I think is really interesting to me is the gap between the life you have and the glass, you know. I think it's an honest thing to feel, and most of us are performing our way right over it every single day because stopping to look at it feels too big, you know? But you stopped, you looked, you sent that email out to like a stranger, and I that's the thing. First thing you're allowed to be looking, you know. I hear you. I mean, I I'm I really, really, really do. So anyway, thank you to everybody who wrote in this week. I always read all of them, though. And whether you wrote in or not, because maybe you didn't write in, but you heard like yourself in one of the emails today. I feel like that's really no coincidence because it's I feel like that's why this podcast is so interesting. Because I feel like there are pieces of all these emails that you might relate to in some way. Because, you know, and look, again, really sorry that we're late, a little stuffy, all of that. So, anyway, so again, if you want to send in an email, I'm gonna be posting the next next week's prompt on I Hear You Babe Pod on Instagram. But if you feel so inclined, please feel free to send me an email for any future episode at IHearYubabepod at gmail.com. They're always anonymous. I don't care if it's one sentence or a full on novella. Yeah, I don't care. I'm gonna read it all. And if you love the show, please go rate. Review, subscribe so you don't miss any episodes. Tell a friend, tell that other friend, tell a friend. That's it. And yeah, that's it. I'm Dino Movo and this was I Hear You Babe. And I can't wait to talk to you guys next week. Bye.