43. She Was a Different Person Before Him

we’ve all watched someone disappear into a relationship. the quieter laugh. the new opinions. the boots that mysteriously vanished.

this week’s prompt: tell me about someone you watched change. or tell me if that person was you.
a broken coffee table. a man who weighed his cereal with airpods in. a friend in a peach dress watching the smartest weirdest person she knows marry someone who finds her “a little much.” a husband who’s been “bullish” at brunch since 2021.

also: i fear you, babe deep dive is out this Thursday — a missing italian volleyball player, a medium, animal bones in a river. Be sure to follow and listen.

ihearyoubabepod@gmail.com 🍋​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone, and I'm your host. We got always, as always, a fun episode. Always a fun episode. Here we go. Great start. Always a fun episode. You send in a bunch of emails to I HearYouBabepod at gmail.com. And you know, a lot of chit-chatting and a lot of yapping up front about some dumb stuff that's happening here in my little life. So anyway, what did I say last week? You're your full-time healer, part-time hater. I might stick with that. I don't know. Full-time healer, part-time hater. And this week, I actually I'm a person who mostly almost all the way, I was before the flu came for me. Because we're getting there one step at a time. This nose is almost about like 90%. We have ascended. And what I want to say to everyone who's been writing and sending love and asking how I'm doing, or you know, asking how Darius is doing and how the cats are doing, Rocco and Vito are totally fine. Thank you for asking. They did absolutely nothing useful while I was sick, except cuddles and kisses. And that's exactly what cats are for, as far as I'm concerned. But the messages have been so nice, and I feel, you know, appreciated by you guys. And so, you know, thanks for thanks for checking in on me. But okay, so let's talk about what's been happening here. Because all I know is when I went back to my so I just got back from Pittsburgh yesterday. No, the day before. And I went home for it was like Monday to Friday to see my mom and my brother and whatnot. And the it's as always, the trips are very interesting. I leave with a lot to think about. And I'm sure that you can I'm sure that you can understand if you well, if you're alive. So one thing I found was really interesting, probably the most interesting thing, if I'm honest, was I had this memory of growing up and having my mom talk about this book. And in this book, it just was, you know, it would give my mom goosebumps when she would talk about it. But in the story goes, it's so it's the Andrea Sardos Albertini case. And I so if you have to, so picture this. I'm like, I'm Sophia. Picture this, Italy, 1981. 25-year-old, he was a 25-year-old volleyball player. I think it was like Serie A player, gorgeous dude, finishing his law degree, has you know his whole life inhead of him. He drives from this town called Trieste to a train station and he parks his car and he takes a train to Turin. Look at me testing my Italian skills. The story is so fascinating, though. He wants to buy a used car from a private seller, and he's carrying like three million lira in cash because that's like how he used to buy a car in 1981. And he checks into this hotel and he calls a friend the next day, and then like nothing ever again. He vanishes. The police look and everything. They, you know, they don't ever find him, and so they eventually give up, you know? His dad, and this is where it gets like literally insane. His dad is like major, major famous Italian lawyer, and he can't accept that his son is gone, you know, like someone who doesn't take no for an answer. So he hires a medium, and it's crazy because her name is Anita. How do you get the name Anita? I want to know what that stands for. Somebody probably knows. And he becomes convinced that it's she is talking to his dead son's spirit. Okay, now in 1983, it was like two years after this Andrea kid disappeared. The spirit allegedly tells them what happened. Okay. There were drug addicts, and they were supposed to sell him a car, and they robbed him. There was like a detail in the book about how the son remembers one of the guys was wearing a big ring, and when he punched him in the mouth, he split his lip. And eventually they they killed him, they threw his body in the Poe River, which, by the way, no joke. Supposedly, the Poe River is like very thick with sediment. Like, once you're toward the bottom, you can't see a hand in front of your face. So I and what from what I understand, may there may be other bodies there too, if you know what I mean. So the spirit actually tells them where to look, like specifically, like it's like, no, you gotta go like right here. It's in front of this like uh restaurant called San Giorgio. And they go and they search and and they find bones, but the bones are like not human, they're animal bones. The body is never actually found. So in 1992, they they they legally declared this dude dead, but the dad is like, and I cannot honestly can't stop thinking about that. The dad then writes a book about communicating with this dead son's spirit, okay? The book is called The Afterlife Exists. It's called La Isiste L'Aldila. Don't come from my Italian, you guys. The book sells like a million copies, it's translated into like 15 languages. And then he writes like two more books and starts off the whole foundation. And he spends the next 20 years of his life until his like own death. I think he died in 2005, telling people he is in regular contact with his missing son's spirit. Yo, in the book, he talks about how Anita had a pen upright against her hand, and she would just like kind of pull the pen or pull her hand across the page, and the pen would write. There's pictures of the writings in the book. It's insane. So anyway, that that means that's all of it. That's a you know, missing volleyball player, it's unsolvable mystery. It's a great. We're gonna dive deep into it on Thursday on I Fear You Babe. So you gotta come and check that out. But, you know, the the whole, you know, there's a possibly fraudulent medium involved. Animal bones in a river. It's like a million copy bestseller. You know, it's got everything I love. True crime, paranormal stuff. It's in Italy. Stop it. I want to know who killed Andrea. Is he dead? Who was Anita? Because I heard she died too. Was she a con artist? Anita, you in danger girl. Anyway, I'm gonna cover all of it on the My Fear You Babe. So it's this, you know, same host, a little less perky. But, you know, get you can check it out wherever you get your podcast. On on one Mondays, we always do a weekly roundup of what's happening in true crime, and then on Thursdays we do like a deep dive. I am a little behind on the deep dive, so shh, but we're coming back. And let's see. Okay, wait, we haven't even gotten to the prompt yet. Gosh darn it. Stop talking for a second. Wait, did I even mention that I bought myself a no, I'm not even gonna talk about it. I bought myself a bag. I'm I'm in my Jacob Alordi era. Okay, he's my fashion muse. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to say about how you say that. How do you say that if you're like the way someone dresses? Whatever. I think that works. This week's prompt was tell me about someone you watch change completely in a relationship, or or even tell me if that person might have even been you. You know, self-awareness is a gateway to healing. I'm your full-time healer, halftime, part-time hater. So the in the inbox, we got everything from looking at these subject lines. So, what I would say would be buckle up and let's these look so crazy. Then let's get into it. So, okay, this one says, Hi Dino, hi Rocco, hi Vito. Hope you're well, hello. Hope you're all surviving whatever weird spring weather is happening up there. I know. Tell me about it. I have to start by saying I've been with you since the pandemic, IG live workout days. Oh my goodness. I met mad people during that era. That was a time. You know, there would be, I did, we did classes every day, salt drop classes every day. And there would be sometimes over a hundred people. Because where else were we gonna do? I was in my like 450 square foot apartment in Brookline with my then boyfriend, and we had broken our coffee table during one of your classes within the first week. What the hell? And never replaced it because we didn't need a coffee table, because we needed floor space, and that's the level of devotion. The boyfriend is gone, the floor space remains. Priorities. I hear that.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

I have to have my Celsius. Hold on. Cherry Cola Celsius, you guys. That was an electrolyte blue, zero.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Say less. Anyway, the reason I'm writing, my best friend Sarah used to be the funniest person I've ever known in my life. Like, drop everything funny. Knew every word to the entire sound of music soundtrack and would perform it at parties unprompted. Oh, I love that. We love a party trick, you know? Something you can pull out. I've always wanted to choreograph a dance with somebody that we could just be like, Do you want to?

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Like five, six, seven, eight.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

But made it, made up bits in restaurants, made the waiter laugh so hard he had to walk away. I had to stop interrupting, but there's this funny bit that Carly Aquilino does whenever she's at a restaurant, and the guy would be like, Do you want any Parmesan cheese? She's like, I'm not driving. Um so she started, okay, wait. She started dating someone three years ago who I'll just call the dim. Oh boy. This is your best friend Sarah. Okay. Not as in dim-witted, although. The dim, as in the lighting in every room he walks into gets worse.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Within six months, Sarah stopped doing the bits. Within a year, she stopped going to the parties. She would have ended up performing at. Within 18 months, she had been, she had this new laugh. It was kind of quieter, more self-conscious, like she was checking with him before fully committing to it. And I noticed because I knew her real laugh. I missed her real laugh. And I still miss her real laugh. She's still my best friend. She's still wonderful, but the volume on her has never been turned as on her has been turned way down. And she did it herself slowly over time. And now I don't know how to bring it up without sounding like the friend who hates her boyfriend, which I am, but I don't want to lead with that. Yeah, I get that. What do I do? And please tell the boys that I love them. Okay. So, first of all, hello. And the the the cats are, I would imagine doing nothing of any value right now, but I will totally pass on your love. The Vito this morning was just playing with he'll play with anything. He's not destructive, but he will play with every single thing. But so the broken coffee table during the pandemic class, I just want I mean, I'm so sorry, and also so honored. That's exactly the kind of damage I was looking for. We were trying to move, man. I had to shift my couch over to the kitchen every day. And you know, the coffee table was the casualty of the cause. It was you were an A plus student, that was just the assignment. So okay, and her your friend Sarah had the laugh. I you know what's the saddest detail in the story is that now she has like a new laugh. Because I mean, I guess that means somewhere along the way her laugh was like too loud, or like I either he she either he passed a note to her being like you gotta cut that laugh it's so loud or she started to dim it herself either way she started feeling like she was a lot and maybe like he didn't laugh at her shit, you know? And so because he didn't laugh, she felt like she had to quiet down her laugh, and then her body adjusted for it, and the volume came down, and not because she changed, but because like she was performing fine because that the the I guess he or the room or whatever decided the quieter was better, and so I don't know. Here's what I would do you don't lead with him, you're right about that part. You lead with her, like so I I miss when you used to do this sound of music thing, you know, or I was thinking about that the other night with the waiter. Like it's it's like if you bring up like I think a specific memory of like that specific Sarah, not in like a sad way, like oh god, I miss I miss the real you, I still see you in there, but it's it's less of like a it's less of an intervention.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

I think you want to like prom promote it like it's like a love letter. You know?

SPEAKER_01 15:13

And if she never like if she ever needs a place to land, like somewhere where you know friends or music and or a no coffee table break break, I don't know. I think you know, you say like you know where to find me. I feel like maybe. Oh, I have a good idea. Here's what you should do. It's like my pan my pandemic IG girlies, you know, they've gotta come and hang out with me in the studio. So I want to be able to meet, I want to be able to hang out with you both. I I really do. I feel like it has to be, I think you should come to, you know, that I think the idea of like a specific memory is like, remember that time when we were in Mexico and like you shit yourself? Like you know, something like that. Anyway, this this next one says, hi Dino. Longtime bar three online class girly here. Oh, back in the day, buffet.com dot edu.fr dot i t dot g-ov. Okay. Because you know that's what we trust the most. I used to do your classes from a living room it back in uh 2018 when I was post-breakup and trying to remember I had a body. I had a bunch of classes up there on their website. I think they're probably all down now. What are you gonna do? Actually, I'm glad that they're down. Honestly, don't use my likeness. Thank you. It says they're they were the best thing in my life for a solid eight months. I cried during one of them once, mid-narrow V. I want you to know that the narrow V made me cry, and you did that. Well, that that posture is a that one's a good one. That's a killer. So here's my thing for this episode. Okay, good. I dated someone for two years who got, and I'm putting this in air quotes you can't see, into the gym. When we started dating, where did I lost my place? Oh, he was a normal person who liked hiking and Mexican food and his mom. Well, that's nice. By month eight, he had a tracker on his phone, uh-oh, and a meal prep system, and would not eat at restaurants anymore unless he could see the menu in advance. Calculate the macros and quote unquote plan around it. We're going to a taco place, sir, she said. So, and it kept escalating. I, you know, I'm just gonna quickly take a quick little route over to the side over here and say, you know, I love Seanti. And I used to do P90X and I used to do like the hip-hop abs thing or whatever. Like, I know he wasn't P90X, but you know what I'm saying? I did like that platform, what was it called? Beach Body. And so I did that program when I was working out from home a lot, and I don't know. I think like, you know, when someone gets like addicted to let me just stop. Right now, he's very, very, very muscular as his husband, and it's it's very that. It's very like counting look, not me yucking somebody's yum. It's not, it's none of my problem. I I just think there's like, you know, when they listen, I'm done. So it kept escalating. The friends got replaced with gym friends who only talked about the gym. The vacations got planned around gym access. He stopped going to my friend's birthdays because there was too much going on snack wise. Once, once he actually weighed his cereal with me in the room, like that was a normal Sunday morning thing to do with his AirPods on. All right. And by the end, I genuinely couldn't remember what we used to talk about before. Not in like a sad, mysterious way. In a, I think the conversation is now exclusively about protein way. Oh, do you see what you did there? You should have sent way protein way. He found this thing, the gym was it now, and that thing was not me. Anyway, and that's how she ends the email. All right. Well, okay. So first, the you going back to the bar three days, it gives me like warm fuzzies because those were very good days for me in a lot of ways. And the narrow V crying, I that's definitely something that I'm gonna take with me after this. So hello and welcome. And I'm glad you came with me from there to here. And like that feels like a big long, at least for me, it feels like a big long journey. I'm honored to still be with you on that route, on that, on that yellow brick road. And also, if I made you cry during an aero v, I will take 100% full responsibility for that. Back in the day, I really loved a high rep long hold situation. I still really do. I, you know, those classes just kind of like hit a little bit different because either online and you want to kind of show off. And anyway, I knew what we were doing in that class, and we were not, we we were not just working the inner thigh, girl. We were processing and what else? Discovering and excavate excavating, perhaps escalating, who knows? And I said what I said, and we're gonna end it right there. No, but so the idea of like you saying, No, we're going to a taco place, sir. I just feel like everybody needs to absorb that. That feels like a really good way to disarm somebody with a giggle. You know, when someone's like pissed and you're like, I don't know, do something dumb, like rub nose to nose, or like I don't know, just something to like disarm them, then you know the problem is then he was gonna pull up the menu for the taco place to calculate the macros of their guacamole. I don't know. The for sure the taco place is not a macro place, you know? The taco place is like for vibes, and once in a while a margarita, I don't know, w you know, something like that. But you go to like the taco place to like order too much and to leave with a bellyache. That's what the whole experience is about. You're not going there to like, you know, you're that's the day that you're I'm going in today, and you're gonna leave feeling good. You'll probably feel bad later, but like it'll still feel good, the the bad. You know what I mean? I ate myself into oblivion last night, and I was like, my belly hurts, but I was so happy. Anywho, and then the cereal weighing with like the AirPods in, and you're in a room, so he's like ignoring you with the airpods in, and he's also like doing macros. He like weighed the cereal in front of you. I don't know, man. I to me that's not a fitness journey, that's like a personality transplant. Like, we don't know who that is anymore. You know, fitness is showing up to the classes or the gyms. It's like on Sunday morning, let's go on a hike. It's it's eating a taco and fucking being a part of the regular world, like walking past a taco joint and being like, let's go and have fucking fajita, if that's the vibe, you know, you don't have to do it every single day. But and you know, I think what he is doing is something else, and I think that has a name, and it you know, he found a hobby that gave him an excuse to opt out of actual life. Cause that is very rigid. Listen, just go eat a taco, don't calculate anything, and go out there and live your damn life. You've gotta, if that's what makes you happy today, there's you know everybody knows that there's some kind of there's gotta be some kind of balance when it comes to that kind of shit. Like it, if you're you know, eating that kind of shit every single day, it's probably just not healthy. But listen, go and do what you gotta do. And afterwards, it's a narrow V for me. The the next email says, Dear Dino, first, hi to Rocco and Vito. They say hello right back to you. I don't know if I've said this already today. I probably have, but who knows? But I taught them to sleep under the covers. So Rocco slept with me under the covers all night last night. I probably already said that, but anyway, so she says, I have a tabby named Pene. Yes, after the pasta, and yes, I'm Italian. Whoop. And yes, my whole partner is a stereotype. You should see the studio. We are going for this like Italian living room vibe where everything's gonna smell like espresso and lemons. And I got a pizza oven in the back. More to come. But and she would like to formally request a play date. Can we do that? Where do you live? So she would not actually like a play date. She is socially anxious, but the offer stands.

unknown 24:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

Second, I am a Tuesday morning salt drop regular, the 7:30 a.m. You don't know me, but I know you, which is both the parasocial bargain we agreed to, and also a little weird for me to type out. Listen, I try to say hi to everybody, but 7:30 in the morning, some people don't want to say anything. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they come in here, they just want to get it done. They're not looking for me to be making like any kind of jokes or any kind of reference to anything. That it's like an in and out type of situation. So I can respect that. Anyway, next time, let's say hi. It says, okay, she goes on to say, the energy in that 7:30 a.m. class is unmatched. We are not playing. We are deeply unwell women working things out in real time, set to house music, and I am grateful for it weekly. Likewise. Now, the actual reason I'm writing, okay. I have a friend, let's call her Jay, who I have known since college. It's been about 16 years. We got our first apartments in this city together. That's amazing. We went through every breakup, every hangover, every job loss, every quote, do you think I'm having an existential crisis or am I just hungry? Moment together. She's one of the great loves of my life. And I say that with my whole chest. We love that, 10 toes down. Three years ago, she met someone. He's not bad. I want to say that clearly. He's not abusive. He's not unkind. He's not anything you could point to and go, that's it. That is the problem. He is genuinely a normal man who is normal level boring in a way that is fine for him to be. But Jay, you know, my Jay, or at least the Jay I know, is not a normal level boring person. She's a deeply weird person. She's the person who will text me at 11 p.m. with a question about ancient Mesopotomia because she just fell down a Wikipedia hole. She is the person. Oh, she's a smartie. We'd love to see a girl who, a girl boss who's winning. She listen, she's a woman in STEM. She's all those things. She is the person who, on her own birthday party in 2019, gave a speech about the existential honor of the bagel. Horror. The existential horror of the bagel. What are we getting at? She is brilliant and strange and the kind of person who makes her room more interesting just by being in it. And she's currently engaged to a man who finds her weirdness a little too much.

unknown 27:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

He doesn't say it cruelly. He says it kind of fondly. Oh, Jay, you and your Mesopotamia thing. Oh Jay, here we go with the bagel speech. And she laughs and rolls her eyes and shrinks. I have watched her shrink, she says. The Mesopotamia texts have stopped. The 11 p.m. texts in general have stopped. The last party we were at together, she'd not give a single speech about literally anything. She is going to marry this man in October. I'm going to be there in a peach dress, watching the smartest, weirdest person I know vow forever to a man who finds her weirdness a little too much. And I don't know what to do with all that. Eek. I'm not going to say, I mean, I don't mean that in like a terrible, like pathetic kind of way. I just mean like, I I hear you. She, I'm not going to say anything. I think. I've been over and over it. And I don't think there's a version of this conversation that ends with her not marrying him and us still being friends. Now, does anybody else? I'm kind of kind of feeling like, man, that feels very familiar. Like, okay. So anyway, whatever. I okay. I think she'd hear it as criticism, and we lose each other, and she'd marry him anyway, and then I have lost her twice. Okay. So hold on. First thing, just to pause right there because that I'm sorry, you guys, my allergies today are literally off the charts. So I feel sorry, but okay. The thing about that whole thing is you don't actually know that she would say I hear that as criticism, and I'm we could workshop a couple ways to do it. You know, you always seek to understand first, which might include awkward conversation about like tell me more about what you love about this man because I want to be able to support you in the right way. Or, you know, I don't know. Anyway, so she's I'm gonna wear the peach dress and I'm gonna give the honor, maid of honor speech, and I'm gonna be in the one in the front row, remembering the bagel speech in my head while she stands up there with someone who finds it a little bit too much. And that's it. That's the email. I just need to say it somewhere it could exist outside my head for just a minute. See you on Tuesday. Save me a spot in the back. I cry there sometimes. Aww. Say hello to Penne, first of all, because Pene, that's a very iconic name. Penne and Vito and Rocco seem like they should be like the, you know, like a the triumvirant or something. What what would be like a fun trio name? The the penne. Wait, the penne, wait, oh god. She said tell Penny the boy say hi, although Vito would probably absolutely want to snuggle with her in the first five minutes. So the play date is theoretical. Oh, is Penne not Penny's not down with the get down? My my cats like lay with each other. So they're the nicest. They only bite me because I fuck with them. And they don't really even bite me. It's because you know, Rocco hates when I touch his butt for some reason. He's like very sensitive back there. And that, but I'm always like, but that white can touch a beauty. And like I give him a little pat on the butt, and then he's like, okay, that was that was one too many pats on the butt. And Vito, I think like, I don't know, he's just like he's seven months old. So I'm always like, and he's big because he's a main coon. So he's like, he's gonna be like 20 pounds. So uh, so yeah, thanks to Darius for that. Appreciate that. This cat is eating like three to four cans of wet food a day already. Okay. So uh also wait, did the 7:30 a.m. classes. I'm back this week. I'm teaching like every 7:30 a.m. class, but I'll tell you what, that 7:30 a.m. class, those women, I don't know if they're deeply unwell. They seem to be very high functioning at that hour. You know, they're working things out like, you know, it's I don't know. And working things out to house music, that's gonna go out on the wall. Like work things out to house music. It's funny how many people hang their hat on house music and don't actually even play house music. But, you know, that that class is like the hardest thing to get to, to be honest, because you're just like, it's 5:45 a.m. call time for me or wake up time for me. So I I mean I get it, but it's it's kind of like a spiritual, like religious experience, especially that that 7:30 a.m. time. It's its own like ecosystem. You don't see those women outside of that 7:30 hour. They don't know anybody else that works at the studio except for the people who work in the morning. And they're they make that decision to get up, God bless, and feel all that shit before the workday starts. And I you have my respect. Like, okay, so but okay, back to the email. Okay, so I read this like slowly because here's the thing most of the emails I get for these types of prompts are about people changing in ways that are like clearly bad. You know, like somebody's like being fucking controlling or they're like isolating their partner, so you never see them. And this dude, by all intents and purposes, like isn't doing anything wrong. You I mean it's hard, it was hard for you to kind of even explain, and I get I get what you're saying, but I still think there's a little bit of guesswork involved in it. But he's like normal level, boring dude who finds like weirdness to be a little bit too much. And like he gets to be that person, you but but Jay doesn't have to dim down just for him, and and she is maybe, and you're watching it happen and you don't want to say anything because you may be right, you may be right, she may hear it as criticism, and you will lose her. So, and maybe you've done the math, and like I don't know her personally, so maybe you've done the math, and the math is correct. So, here's what I want to give you because this is the part nobody I think will tell a friend in this like speech dress. You're doing the most, I think, I think you're doing the most important thing a friend can do in the situation, which is just like fall back, remember like who you are in the situation, right? You're the one in the front row holding that bagel speech because it like lives in the frontal lobe of your brain, and you're watching as she vows forever. You're you don't how do I say this? You don't limit her weirdness, how smart she is, you don't fuck around with her and make fun of her because of the Mesopotamia text messages, and and I think as long as you remember that version, it's not gone. And even if it's like, even if it feels like a little bit quieter in the beginning, and it might not be, and it might be that the 11 p.m. text don't come anymore. People, you know, people come back to themselves at some point. Sometimes it takes a year, and sometimes there's other shit going on that can, you know, you know, really take someone away from themselves for a minute, you know. Sometimes it takes 10 years. You don't know how the story ends exactly. So it's like, you know how, like, what do I call this one? What are this what's this chapter called? Chapter Engaged to a Normal and kind of boring man. You read the beginning of that chapter, you know, just like read it closely. Don't put the book down just yet. Just be, you know, be the person ready who's be the person who's ready to be ready for that bagel speech. Or remember it with her. I think we said another example would be to let you know just remind her of a situation that she was a part of that you know reminds her of that piece of herself. And it's just I my advice is just go there and wear the peach dress, just go and give like the best speech you can and save save this for let time will tell. You know, there's work to be done, but time will tell on this, I think. Anyway, I'll see you on Tuesday. The next email says Dino, hi say to the boys and to Darius from a fellow person who has accidentally sweat through a sheet. Solidarity. Poor Darius. I yeah, it's bad. I sweat a lot. So anyway, I started listening to your show last summer because someone in my friend group sent us a clip of you ranting about people who don't tip on takeout. And the clip alone changed me as a person. And I tip that day, and I tip the next day, and I tip now, and that's your legacy. I on takeout, I feel like it doesn't have to be 20%, but I I do feel like, you know, my mom does takeout at her restaurant, and I'll tell you, as the person who makes it, the, you know, it it goes back to the kitchen. So, and then it gets distributed by the to into, you know, typically it gets distributed into the pool of people who are working back there. So, you know, let's see. So, okay. This says, I'm writing for the second part of the prompt, the or that person was you part. Uh-oh. Let's get into it. I am the friend who disappeared into a relationship. That's very big of you to admit. I want to own that and say it plainly because for a long time I told myself it was about her, my ex, who by the way was wonderful and intense and had a lot of personality all at once. I mean, we love to see that. But the truth is, I made a series of choices, and the choices were mine, and I want to be honest about it. Things I stopped doing while I was with her in approximate order. Oh, we love this. Very organized. Going to my Tuesday writing group because she thought it was a little earnest. She sounds like a smarty too. No, no shode. Wearing the boots I love that she once described as aggressive. All right. Seeing my college friend Beth, who she said felt fake to her. A sentence I now know was a flag. Watching the trashy TV show I love because she loved watching real movies. Hate to see it. Having my own opinions about restaurants, having my own opinions about most things, dyeing my hair the deep red I had since I was 22. This sounds like bad news, bears. So I'm glad that you guys broke up, but let me continue reading this out. So it says last summer I broke up with her. It was not a clean ending. It was a drag out. It was a drag it out, four attempts, full 12 rounds ending. Jeez, not a boxing reference. And then the fourth attempt finally stuck. I went home to my apartment and looked at my closet and realized that I did not own a single thing I had bought in the last two. Wait, and realized I did not own a single thing I had bought in in the last two years that I actually loved. Okay. See, I couldn't Okay. We're back. And we're hold on. I gotta take a sip of my drink. Cause you know when you get to that point where you're like, I can't breathe anymore. Because, you know, you're I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

I'm just yapping, yapping, yapping, you know what I mean? Your mouth gets dry. I got the coconut water with the pulp. I got a lot of drinks.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

Um, so it says two years of buying clothes for someone who had opinions about all of them. Hate to see it. Dyeing my hair again. What is she? Like a fashionista? Like, what does she write for Vogue magazine? What are her credentials? We want to know. I want to see pictures, you guys. This one says I'm dyeing my hair red again next week. The boots are back on. The writing group, I know that's right. The writing group is full, but they're putting me on the wait list. Well, you may have burned that bridge a little bit, but they're like, don't worry, we're gonna rebuild it. I love that the writing group is a little bit feisty, as they should be. Beth and I had brunch last month, and she did not say anything about wait, anything mean about my ex, which is how I know Beth is the better person out of all of us. I cur I think that's your current girlfriend.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

Beth. Boop. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

So I'm still mad at myself for the disappearing, but I am trying to be the kind of mad at myself that comes back to me. I'd be the kind of mad at myself that comes back to me, not the kind that buries me. Your show has helped a lot with the differences between those two. But listen, let's we need to first of all, I'm glad that we had the little chance to revisit tipping. Because I I stand by that and I will defend it forever. People that don't tip, come find me. Not everything, not everything. I don't think you have to tip at the corner store, but like I think a tip on a takeout, like even if it's fucking $1, and if that's illegal, bring an attorney.

SPEAKER_00 42:50

And let's be boop pop. Because okay, this is what I re-looking at it.

SPEAKER_01 42:58

This is what I want to say about your email. There's something extra hard about being the person who disappeared because it's one thing to watch a friend like get small and shrink down a little bit, but and and it's a whole other thing to be the one who watches yourself or has the ability to self-recognize that they themselves got smaller, and you do it like you do it from the inside, and you don't stop yourself, and then there's like this other shame that comes along with it. That's like a whole other animal that you have to tame, which is great. But and so here's what I want to say. And to anybody who hears themselves in this email, I think what you wrote at the end is the fucking entire ball game because it's like the you say, like it's I the kind of mad at myself that comes back to me, not the kind that buries me. And I feel like you you put your finger on it because that's the difference between like I I think between the worlds of accountability. And that idea of like punishing yourself, self-punishment. And most people never really figure out the difference between the two. So, anyway, I'm glad the boots and the hair and the uh put that trashy TV on. I know that's right. What are we watching? Love Island. You know, get back into the writing group. And I think that means you're doing the work. You know, people always say like time heals, and but like time only heals if like you do the work. And so it sounds like you're doing the work. And if you like clear out your closet, start a Poshmark, get rid of that shit, buy stuff that you like, you know, that means you're back. And you know, you're gonna be on that writing group wait list, but that doesn't mean that shows that you haven't disappeared. You're you didn't stay disappeared, you know? And that's I think that's great. You took inventory and you decided made a decision. So listen, I hope if when you come to class next time, you're gonna wear the boots. I okay, there's one more. This one says, Dear Dino, I'm a 41-year-old mother of two who has been listening to you for about six months. Because my younger, that's cute. I can't wait to hear how. So, because my younger sister sent me your show and said, I think you'll like him. He's like if our cousin Jenna had a podcast. I just had a hair flip, so I hope Jenna does those too. And and read her, and she was correct. You are like if Jenna had a podcast, and that is the highest compliment I can ever offer. Who is this Jenna? Is she coming for me? Send her over here. I want to interview her. My husband got into crypto in 2021. I don't even know what that means. I mean, I I do, but I don't. Even if you try to describe to me what crypto is, I've heard it described a million times. I still don't know. It sounds fake to me. And I don't know. It could never be me. You can miss me on that one. I don't understand it. So, but she says that's the email, that's the whole story. He got into crypto. Okay. I see, I kind of get it. You know, he didn't lose money, we didn't get divorced, nothing dramatic happened. I just lost my husband to the charts. He talked about charts now. He has chart vocabulary and he uses the word bullish unironically at brunch. No, is it a bull market or is it a bear market? I think it's a horse market. I miss when his hobbies were grilling and complaining about the Mets. Bring back the Mets. I the Mets I miss.

SPEAKER_00 46:54

And I miss him too. Babe. So if cousin Jenna gets a podcast, I'm gonna be so pissed.

SPEAKER_01 47:06

No, I'm kidding. I think tell your sister that she's right, and I also I love that her I you know, I love that her recommendation was my podcast. So, and yeah, I think maybe my new Instagram bio is gonna say, like, if cousin Jenna had a podcast, because I kind of love it. I I think if anybody uses the word bullish at brunch, he you know, then there's like a scrambled egg in front of him with a buttered piece of gluten-free toast, and he uses the word bullish, like without rolling his eyes. Like, seriously, let's bring back the Mets. What did I read the other day that buying tickets to a baseball game is actually like it was like six dollars, and that's like less, that's less money than like a something from Taco Bell. Let's bring back tacos. See how I brought that back? That's a full circle moment. But she says, bring back the Mets, bring back the grilling. Bring back the man who enjoyed annoying me about the bullpen instead of the man who is bullish at brunch. I see what you did there. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 48:31

It says, Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 48:35

I don't I really have nothing wise to say about this, to be honest. I just want you to know that I see you. And I heard I hear you whenever it comes to he has a chart vocabulary. I I'm feeling bad about whatever happened at that brunch table. I and I'm gonna I'm holding your hand when I say all that. I really am. I I just say hang in there. The Mets will rise again. And so, and hopefully your husband's interests start to come back. Hopefully, he's as interested in anything else because that sounds so boring. I okay, everybody, that is that's it for this week. I of course love chit chatting with you guys in Yappen. And as always, you guys can send your emails into IHearYouBabepod at gmail.com. Don't forget the pod at the end. It's I HearYouBabe Pod at gmail.com. If you're enjoying the show, please like, subscribe, and share it with a friend. Leave a review if you've got the extra moment because those, of course, always help. And this episode, this episode is landing Monday morning because uh I got my shit together this week. And that means that we have a full week until next week's episode. So stay tuned. And I can't wait to talk to all of you guys again next week. Thank you for tuning in and see you next week. Bye.