47. Where's My Apology?

okay so who owes you an apology? because i made a list and it's basically every man i've ever dated.

this is the apology episode. and yet — no apology. the sorry you're still waiting for. the one that came five years too late and fixed nothing. "i'm sorry you feel that way," which is not an apology, it's a knife in the shape of one. the boss who apologized to the whole team except the one person he actually wronged (her. it's always her). and the apology you owe yourself for staying way too long.

plus schrilla the killa wants kim k as her lawyer because she only wears skims, and i witnessed the saddest corporate event in america at dinner — new jersey's finest racing to make the 9:40 to penn.

then the closer. how do you grieve an apology when the only person who could give it is already gone.

full-time feeler, part-time hater. let's get into it. 🍋

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone. I'm your host. We've got a great episode for you today. As always, the bunch of emails that you all sent into IHearYubabepod at gmail.com and a bunch of the dumb shit that's going on in my life. The what did I say last time? Make the dumb shit in your life feel a little less dumb. It's your part-time hater, full-time feeler. What did I say last time? Anyway, great start, Dino. Today's a big one. It's our apology episode, and it's the uh it's the apology you never got. And I'm also I'm always glad that you're here. Thank you for joining me. The inbox did not come to play today. And we're gonna get into it too. But first, you know, obviously, hold on, let me get myself situated today. Today I have a glass of California natural orange wine. So what are you gonna do? It's crazy. We're I'm recording this on Saturday night. You're gonna get this on Monday. But oh wait, on Monday, it's gonna be June 1st. Girls, it's time to get your tank tops and your flip flops and your what else do you guys carry? Your little purses and your I don't know. God forbid I wear my toes out, but you guys get to have your whole, no, it's it's time for it's time for summer, it's time for us to talk some shit about this Shrilla La Killa. You guys, right now Shrilla the Killa is, I'm sorry, McKenzie Shrilla. She is what all everybody's talking about right now. Cause there was a Netflix documentary called The Crash. But y'all are late to the game.com.edu.fr dotit.gov because there was a documentary that came back, I think it was like 2024, that came out on Hulu that was like in the there's a series called Mean Girl Murders, and I want to say it was like season two or three. I don't listen, I think you're gonna make fun of me, but I think it was like episode six or seven of whatever season it was. But then there's another one on A E that came out, and there might be a fourth one too. But basically, if you don't know who McKenzie Shrilla is at this point, that's basically the same as like saying you don't know who KC Anthony is, you know. Honestly, those two would probably be friends. The only difference is that McKenzie is that girl's doing 15 to life, and it's in Ohio, this jail. So wow. And you think like, cool, she's gonna like lay low, like she's gonna go for like good behavior or whatever. Nope. Like a couple things. First of all, if this isn't this is not just a TikTok rumor, I swear it's in court documents, or not even court documents, it's like a in a in a piece of whatever document that indicates that she's been misbehaving. This girl's like flashing her boobs to visitors uh in the jail, and she's also like she just got on a jail call with one of her friends. I think it was one of those like plexiglass situations or whatever, and she says she wants Kim K to be her lawyer because and she's like, you know, it's just okay, it's not even like the Kim thing that made me laugh. Because of course she's like talking to her girls, she doesn't because she's gonna want Kim to like be. She's like, no, she passed the baby bar. She's like a lawyer. And her pitch was that, and like I think this is maybe her legal argument because she sounds pretty smart. And she said it like this like, tell her I only wear skims, tell her I buy all her skims. And you know, to me, I just feel like I don't know. Honestly, the billionaire Kim Kardashian most likely could be wrong, most likely does not care that Shrilla, Mackenzie Shrilla, is wearing sp you know also. Do you get shapewear in jail? I didn't know that. But and the weird part about it, maybe not even so weird because there's too listen, I've watched too many of these documentaries and listen to a bunch of podcasts too, because this this story is kind of fascinating to me. But she in her mind, her her logic is like very airtight, you know? She's like, Kim does law, Kim does skims. I e I do skims, therefore Kim should do my. And in her way, it's like connecting the dots, you know. What's that what was that game called? Connect for. It's as complicated as Connect 4, but I don't know. The the thing that I think is funniest is I'm not, I don't think we live in a world where that might not happen. Although I do feel like Kim does all of her work with the what does she call that? The Innocence Projects, and I'm pretty sure, again, could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that the Innocence projects are all set on McKenzie. You never know. But either way, if you haven't seen, I think everybody has seen the Netflix one because she's it's that's the first interview that she does, and obviously you've seen the memes at this point. If you haven't seen the memes, just turn your phone on. But the Hulu documentary, The Mean Girl Murder, is a different point of view. The the A and E one is different too. The A-NE one, maybe, and the and the Hulu one are a little bit redundant, but they're also, I think, give you a bit of a more background on who she is, this McKenzie girl. Cause at the end of the day, this girl drove 100 miles an hour into a brick wall to kill like herself and her boyfriend and some other dude, which is just wild. Anyway, I even more importantly, last night I went to dinner with Darius because it was like our date night, and because I I fucked up this week because I was working, I don't know, and was supposed to go on Thursday. And listen, we're we're every day we're improving. But last night we went to dinner in this place that I love and Darius loves too. It's called Caravan of Dreams. And if you're in New York and you haven't tried it, I know it's gonna sound like odd, but it's fucking amazing vegan spot in the East Village, and it's been there for a million years, I think. It's 35 years, very sweet, like very crunchy. It's like the kind of place where like they're gonna tell you every ingredient that's in there, and most of the things are gluten-free. Everything's vegan, it's so freaking good. Man, is it good? But anyway, we was figuring like, you know, it's a what was it, Thursday night? Friday night. But even either way, we were going early at like seven. Think no matter where you're going in New York, like on a set, you know, seven o'clock doesn't feel like you know, prime time for dinner. Maybe it's like more like eight o'clock here. But anyway, we got there and I was like, don't worry, it's not gonna be like packed. It was packed, and the whole side of the restaurant was this big corporate event. And, you know, this is like our little romantic vegan restaurant, and but I don't know, there's something about seeing a whole like group of people, and honestly, the party spilled into the rest of the dining room too. It was it wasn't just that they had that back wall incidentally while we were sitting there because they a few people left, so they were able to like clear some tables off and like create space for other people, but it turned out that even the table that was sitting behind me when we finally sat down, they were part of that corporate party too. So I don't I don't know exactly what was going on, but it did feel like the saddest event that I ever seen with my own two eyes. And like I've seen the some of the craziest and saddest shit. I mean, I live in New York City and I ride the subway, but you know, it wasn't as lame as like everybody having like a lanyard or like a name tag on the table, unless they already took them off because we got there, everybody they were done eating by the time we even got to the restaurant. And they didn't leave until the second that we left. And they were already finished, but anyway, they were just in there, it just I don't know. It was where business casual went to fucking die, and they were taking pictures together, and I could tell they didn't want to, or at least like the person who was asked, like, hey, do you want to come take a you know picture with us or whatever? And like, I'm over here with Darius. We're like ducking out of people's selfies and shit. Ugh. But what also was kind of fun too because some of their outfits were giving and some of them were not giving, but that's the ones that were giving just something fun to look at, you know what I mean? The lady next to us had a really pretty blue blouse on. Can't remember what the the decorations that were on it, but they were pretty pretty scary. No, the they were pretty, and I could tell she spent a lot of time on her hair. It looked like there was a lot of a lot of hairspray in there. It's so it, you know, she wore her Sunday best on a Friday night. And I heard also, also, by the way, heard them talking about having to catch the 940 train at Penn Station. So chances are they were going back to New Jersey. And listen, I know some of you are from New Jersey too. I don't know how the hell they made it down to this like vegan restaurant in the East Village or whatever, but like, and then I it's so funny. They're never gonna be back in that neighborhood ever again. They're never commuting down here. The commute was definitely part of the event, you know what I mean? They were like excited to get back on the train on the way back. But but okay, so the actual crime though that took place was not even the first of all, that was part of it. But there was a woman who stood next to me, like literally right by my side whenever I was eating. Not like near my table, like she was like sitting, like she stood next to me. So, like if I had turned my head quickly to the left, I would have 100% hit her bag, you know, and whatever. It's there's the tape, the tables are already pretty close together. The like I said before, the place is a little on the crunchy side, and so you know the space is limited, and already we do, you know, it's like first of all, as a New Yorker now, I feel like that the if we don't have to sit on top of each other, like we don't want to. But honestly, it was like one her canvas tote came and entered like my peripheral vision, it was like a fucking solar eclipse. Like I couldn't, I couldn't even see or hear the music that was playing at the other end of the bar. I was like, Miss, who actually raised you? Because who does that? And not she wasn't even having a conversation, she was literally just waiting for the other people to finish their conversations. And so I almost offered a piggyback ride to Penn Station. Girl, I promise I'll get you to that 940 train. I'll get you there personally. But speaking of things that should be illegal, because that should be honestly, there should be somebody giving out a citation for that kind of behavior. But next week we are doing things that should be illegal New York edition, but summer edition. So, and I I mean, I need you guys to like take out your notes app and start jotting some of these things down because I'm pretty sure you all know. If it's not covered, I promise I'll cover it myself. But we all know that person who sits on the train and listens to their music out loud when all you want to do is just offer them your cord corded headphones. It's like it might be worth the $19.99 just to have just stop it. Or how the subway platform is somehow 500 degrees sometimes. Anyway, I want to know. I don't know, send me all your emails. Illegal summer offense, New York City edition, I hear you babe pod at gmail.com. And yeah, so let's get all right. So I want to get into this apology episode because, well, you know me. I could just keep yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. So let's get into these emails. This first one says, Dear Dino, found you on a reel on Instagram, and I've never felt so seen. I subscribe to your podcast mid-sidewalk. Oh, cute. This one says, quick one for you. When I was 14, my sister, older sister found my diary and read it out loud to her friends, Eek. In our basement, when I was upstairs and I heard the whole thing, it was the worst day of my entire teenage life. I am 34 now. Every single time I bring it up, even as a joke, she goes, That never happened. You're so dramatic. And I don't even need a big apology, Dino. I just need her to admit that it actually happened. And that's the whole ask. Just like let me re let me know that it was real. Well, first of all, hi from the boys. And you know, funny whenever people said they found me from a reel or something. I don't know. But subscribe, Meg Sidewalk is that's my vibe too. If you know, you know. You know? But look, the the funny thing about something like this is it's really not even the reading of the diary anymore that feels like shit. I think maybe the actual crime is having to, you know, have somebody tell you for 20 years that that never happened, you know, that that that piece, you know, that's like not forgetting. That's like a choice. She's like not protecting her memory, she's protecting herself from having to like say that she did that shit. And so when you bring it up, she like in her mind, she like hits the delete button, she's like, Nope. But you know, maybe the piece also that you mentioned, it was like you bring it up as a joke. So like you kind of make it like easy for her to talk about, it's like easy for her to do that thing where she that you know, where she says, like, that never happened, you know, it's part of the joke now. So I don't know. Not to be all serious, but maybe you say to her, like, I'm not asking you to feel like shit about it, but I'm I'm just asking you to stop telling me that it didn't go down because it happened and I was there and I heard it, and like, you know, you know, look all she really want, all you really need from her is like to set her to say, like, okay, fine, it happened. And yeah, that's that. That one's pretty good. I mean, look, I get it. The all that stuff that happened whenever you were younger, like the those feelings, most of those feelings have kind of got gotten away, but you know, just ask her for what it is that you want, which is like, girl, you did that shit, you know. The next one says, Hi, Dino. My little sister got me into your show. She's a salt drop regular. She does Tuesdays, 5 30, and she says, Hi. I've done your stuff from home in Queens. Tell Rocco and Vito a Queens girl loves them. Oh, let's see. Wait, I lost my play. Okay, here's mine. My mother. I think I look, I knew we were gonna get, I had no doubt I was gonna get my parents somehow. But it says, my whole life, when she does something that hurts me, forgets something, something that mattered, says the cruel thing dressed up as I'm just being honest. And I tell her that it hurts, she looks me dead in the eye and says, Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. And that's it. That's the apology. I'm sorry you feel that way. Which we all know is not an apology. No, that's not an apology, girl. It's a tiny little knife wrapped in the shape of an apology. You guys write poetry sometimes. It's it says, the problem is your feelings, not my behavior. The problem is that you noticed. And I'm 30 now, and it still makes me quiet every time she does it. I hate that it still works on me, and I want to know how to stop letting that sentence get to me. Well, I feel like hearing the words I'm sorry that make that you feel that way is like sort of like when my one of my besties, when she gets like annoyed or wants to like be, she wants to come down on me, she says, sweetie.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

So I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

So I think it's an evil sentence. I'm gonna say it. It's it's one of those ones that you know exactly what's going on. And I and I think I'll and I think I'll die on this hill because you nailed it when you said like it's a knife in the shape of an apology. Because it's like it directs what do they call that? It's like it's redirecting the entire problem back over to you. And onto your feelings, like she never has to look at her behavior, it's like a magic trick. Like she's you know, and it's working the same way it worked when you were little, because I don't know, she trained you to be, I don't know. But here's how I do you stop letting it fuck with you because you're not gonna argue with her anymore. I think you just like name it out loud and say, girl, it's that's not an apology. That's to saying I'm sorry you feel that way is different than I'm sorry that I did that, you know? You gotta stop accepting her counterfeit monopoly apology, you know. And maybe she can't like offer you a real one, and I mean, and that's okay, and maybe that's like a point that you have to grieve a little bit or whatever, and then you stop needing it from someone you know that can't do it. And if you know that that's kind of the way it goes down, it's not gonna flatten you the next time because you won't be surprised. Like it was like, you know, like I think you know, I would say I believe you. I don't think your feelings were, you know, they your feelings weren't the problem, you know. That's what I would say. I don't know. Next one says, Dear Dino, hello, and I'm a pandemic IG Live class girly here. I did your living room workouts during the pandemic. I broke a lamp doing a jump squat, and I never told anyone that until right now. The lamp forgives me, and you should too. Listen, as long as you can catch your apartment on fire, I you're not the first person. Somebody, I think, wrote a store an email once that they something about they broke a coffee table. You know, it happens. I something fell off my wall one time just because my apartment's old, and so when I was doing jumping jacks, I uh I must have just like shaken a nail out of the wall or whatever. So I that and then whatever, but so then okay, it says low stakes apology emergency. Okay, my college roommate 10 years ago spilled an entire bottle of red wine on my brand new $1,400 couch that I bought that week. And she said, Oh my god, I'll Venmo you. I'm so sorry. And then she just didn't Venmo me. And we say, friends, it's been 10 years. All right. Well, so many things going on in this one. Like, why were you avoiding? Anyway, listen, she says we're still close. She's lovely. Uh lovely. But every time I see a red wine stain anywhere in the world, a little alarm goes off in my soul that says the couch. She's never even mentioned it, and I've never mentioned it, and it lives rent free on a $1,400 couch. Do I bring up a decade old couch? I'm obviously unwell. Please say hi to Darius. Uh well at this point, it's a wrap for you on the $1,400 couch. Like, do you know is the stain still in? The couch, I'm not understanding that part of it. Because if that's the case, if at least if it la if it left a lasting hold on, let me look at this email again because I'm not doing it the way that I'm supposed to. Okay. First of all, beep boop bop. Okay, the lamp. Yeah. I uh I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

I'll offer you an apology on that.

SPEAKER_02 22:51

This you're not unwell. Here we go. Okay. I think what happens when this kind of shit goes down, like when someone ruins a shirt of yours or fucks something up or takes something, doesn't give it back, or I don't know, I guess spills red wine on your couch. It's like they leave this unpaid invoice in your brain. And like the body, even when you're not thinking about it, it's like the body kind of it files it every time it sees, you know, I don't know, like something that's that reminds you of it. And I don't think that's makes you crazy. I think that's your brain doing like it's your brain doing the accounting. And you don't even want the $1400 at this point because if you did, you would have asked for it at least some point in the last 10 years. It's like you want someone to just say, fuck, I said I was gonna pay you and I never did. So maybe you do it as you know how once in a while people will say, like, you know, it's like truth comes out as a joke or whatever. So, like, what if you say one time, like random, like, hey, do you remember destroying my couch in 2015? I was like, I still think about it. I need you to know that you left behind like a war crime, or I don't know, some something. And then maybe the two of you giggle or whatever, and you're like, ah, it's like, and maybe she says, Oh my god, I'm so sorry, like that was crazy, and that's it. Like, I think that's all you need to like let it go. That's the like end of that, you know. I think that the part of you that's still mad about it, at least at that point, gets to retire a little bit, and you know, the friendship survived anyway, and you know, I think at the end of the day, look, I don't know, go text her and tell her you love her. You know, if that didn't, if that didn't bring it to an end, then and you guys seem like you guys are pretty good. The the next one says, Hi Dino. Well, hello. My sister told me about you, and she said he's like if our cousin had a podcast, which is the highest compliment in our family. I found you, stayed for the chaos. Please say hi to Rocco and Vito. Well, again, cousin is out here doing, oh, your sister's out here doing, I don't know, your cousin apparently too, the Lord's work. Five years ago, close family friend said something to me at my lowest point. We can't wait to hear. I had just lost a pregnancy. Oh boy, that was so careless and cruel that I ended the friendship completely. No big blow up. I just left. Last month, I don't know where I got a long message, a real apology, and it was a good one, very specific, no excuses. Named exactly what she did, the apology I had wanted for five years. And here's the thing that nobody warns you about because it didn't actually fix anything. It almost, I almost felt nothing. And then I honestly just felt a flicker of something. I think it was me being tired. Say less. I feel bad. I waited five years for this, and now that it's here, I don't want to let her back in. Am I a bad person for not being moved by a really good apology? And did I wait too long for it to mean anything? Well, I'm sorry that you went through a loss and that somebody was that they took that moment to be shitty with you or careless with you. And so, but you know, I don't think that when it came through and it meant nothing to you that makes you a bad person. I think like you know, you know, I guess sometimes like an apology and reconciling are a little different. Cause some of us want to hear the words like I'm sorry, or and then an explanation of what we did wrong. But I can remember this is so boring, but I can remember when I used to study conflict resolution, we did you know things like causes of war, and there's a whole subset of theory around reconciliation and and its profound impact on people. But the apology and the reconciliation are way too, they're like two big different things. And so she gave you the apology, which is a good one. Love to see it. And you know, but the idea of reconciliation is like yours to offer, and you are allowed to hold on to that or and also like just not offer it at all. And the reason you felt nothing isn't that the that the way she said, I'm sorry, or the apology that you got was bad. It's five years ago when you did you did the grieving part without it, and you were able to like figure out how to like let go of that one, like close that door, move on. And so when the apology came, it was like girl, I already moved out. And that's just not you being cold. That's just like a wound that's been healed that can't be poked at, you know what I mean? Cause you're good now. You can accept, I think, and if you feel better to do it, you could write her back and just say, Hey, thanks for the apology or whatever, and like you don't have to reopen the friendship and you say, Hey, thank you. That met me, that that felt really good to hear. I'm not looking to pick things back up again, but I'm I'm really glad that you said it, and that I think that's just the most honest way of dealing with it, right? Like, you got the apology, you know, but also you don't want anything else on top of that. Like we're good.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

I don't know. Does that even make sense? So okay.

SPEAKER_02 29:27

The next one says, okay. Dino found you on Instagram, fell down a hole. Here I am, obsessed. Say hello to the cats. My boss screwed up hello. Ring. My boss screwed up a project timeline. It blew up, and the team meeting, he's and at the in the team meeting, he stood up and apologized to everyone. Said, I want to apologize to the team. I let you down. Beautiful, moving, standing elevation energy. The way that I can't stand the way you guys talk about nine to fives, it makes me like sad sometimes to think about just office politics. Used to make, I mean, listen, I they're still here at the studio, but like boy, oh boy. I can just remember. Anyway, except the part he messed up was a thing I had flagged in writing twice with a slide. So the apology to the team was really an apology for not listening to me specifically, delivered to a room of people who didn't say anything while I sat there like a stress ball being slowly squeezed. Not a stress ball. Yikes. I don't even want to raise. Okay, I do want to raise, but I want him to say my name. Is that petty? It feels petty, but also it feels correct.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

Okay, well. I mean, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

Something about it says okay, you flagged it in writing with a slide two times, and then he gave like a group apology like he was like he like he took the blame for.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 31:20

Listen, I don't know if it's petty. I think petty would be wanting to like humiliate him in front of everybody and be like, listen. But what I think wanting your name to be said maybe is like just acknowledging that you want some everybody fucking wants to be seen and heard. So I think that's the scene part. So I think that's that's the least petty thing going on, you know. The group apology was maybe an attempt. Listen, this used to happen all the time, and I think it still happens everywhere, but it's like a way to like make something that was a failure look so vague that you know no one gets to be uh picked on specifically, you know. I don't know if that made sense either, but like you know, they they uh would they call it out in such a vague way that it could it could have been anybody. And basically, you're you wanted to be like, no, bro, I I we could have saved us all of this by just listening to what I I hear you. And honestly, I don't think that you're gonna probably get that, unless you tell people, like in a in a one-on-one, maybe even a one-on-one with him. Like, you know, in a meeting you said something like, I apologize, you apologize to the team. I want to name that I I want to name that I flagged that twice. And I just want to be honest about what went down so it doesn't happen again. You know, I don't know exactly what your role is and what the hierarchy of leadership is or whatever of even, but I do think that that could be an appropriate thing for a colleague. I don't know. But you know, listen, and also if you're looking for a raise, I host a whole workshop on how to negotiate for your next salary. No, I I I know what it's like to be ready for a raise and afraid to ask for it. So, anyway, I'm not kidding. I have lots of advice on how to come into a conversation like that prepared. So, you know, email me and let's chit-chat. This this next one says uh beep boop uh okay. Hi, Dino. My best friend recommended you after my breakup, and she said you need the bestie in your ears, trust me. Um the bestie. That's me. She was right. Say hi to Rocco and to Vito and hi to dude wherever he he is. I was so sorry to hear about him. Oh boy. Yeah, that's one that I haven't processed yet. We're still well, I haven't gotten there yet. You know what? If you've been listening to the show for a while, I'm Darius and I had we had two cats pass away within three weeks of each other. So it was a lot, and I'm not afraid to say that I still haven't really processed a lot of it, and I'm really uh grateful that Darius was able to help me just deal with all of it. Like, yeah, but anyway, thanks for saying hi to dude. That's very sweet. Everyone else's emails are probably gonna be about someone who owes them an apology, and mine's gonna be different, and I feel weird about it. Okay. I love aggressive weirdness. Yo, today in class, there's I have a client, and I was like, everybody meet me on your right side. And like she went to her left side, and I had to have been like a full two minutes into the moves that she was like, Oh shit, I should be on the other side. I was like, girl, no. I mean, like that was my favorite part of the whole morning. But the person who owes me an apology is me, Slay. I stayed three years in a relationship I knew was wrong. By month four, I would watch myself shrink. No. I would let him talk over me, no. Cancel on me, make me feel like wanting basic things was needy. And the whole time a little voice in me went, This isn't it. You know this isn't it. And I told that voice to be quiet because leaving was scary and staying was familiar. Babe, that's like a whole, there's gotta be a whole shelf of books at the strand that are all about that same story, you know? Universal, I think. In lots of ways, I think people are gonna relate to that, you know. So I'm out now. Good. Congratulations. Eight months ago, and I'm not even mad at him anymore. I'm mad at me for not listening to the girl inside who knew. That's that's why they say trust your gut, you know. I'm mad at her for making her sit in the backseat for three years while I drove us somewhere she didn't want to go. Well, at least you got off. How do you apologize to yourself? Is that even a thing, or am I supposed to be am I just being a podcast podcast cliche? Never. I look, I like I like, I think this is the realist email in the inbox. Here's what I think you want the so okay. The one the one part of you that said that she knew, like she wasn't wrong, you just didn't actually, you didn't ignore her, you heard it the whole time, and that's why you're you finally you can hear it now, and it's like the same voice that said to you, bitch, you need to go. So she didn't fail you, she was just like waiting for you to catch up, you know what I mean? And yeah, the whole time she was like, Molly, you and danger girl. But yeah, you can apologize to yourself. I think if I were to, you know, I think Darius posted something the other day on Instagram stories about like stop calling it woo-woo, you know, it's honest or whatever. I don't know, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

So you when you when you how do I say shrink down to feel safe or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 37:45

And oh, this is like I think this is part of the apology that you could say to yourself, sorry that I made you shrink down a little, and sorry that you know you I I made you ride in the back seat while I was like driving in the wrong direction. I heard you, I should have done it, I should have listened sooner, but I'm listening now.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

And whatever.

SPEAKER_02 38:11

You know, she is you and you know, I think if you figure it that you counter it with like you you know, with behavior that feels like it's in integrity with who you are now, then that's okay. That voice is so strange, right? It doesn't force you to move faster. It just is you know also eight months out's not that bad. I mean, it's not a failure. Sounds like the sounds like the girl that was in the backseat is like fucking driving out.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

One more. Okay. It says Dino.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

I started this email probably nine times. I'm glad it's finally there. Uh I am a 6:30 p.m. Wednesday night salt drop regular, and I'm the one that breathes really loud. You've definitely heard me. And I found the podcast through class, and I think it found me at the exact right time. Okay, good. Thank you so much. My mom died two years ago. I'm sorry. And the apology I'm waiting for is one uh now will literally never come because the only person who could give it is gone.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 39:41

We had a tough relationship. She was not warm. She was critical in a way that shaped how I see myself to this day. I still hear her voice when I look in the mirror or when I make a mistake or when I've taken too much, up too much space. For because for most of my 20s, I told myself someday she'll see it, someday she'll realize what she did and she'll say, I'm sorry, and I'll finally feel okay. And I was so sure that day would come. I was building my whole future on a story, on a sorry that was coming someday. And then she got sick really fast. And there was a window of a few weeks where I thought maybe now. And I sat by her bed and I waited for it, and she talked about the weather. She talked about a nurse that she liked a lot, and she told me to fix my hair. And then when she was gone, the sorry went with her. So here's I'm I'm actually writing to ask. How do you grieve an apology? Not the person I've grieved her, and I am grieving her. But how do you grieve the I'm sorry that you never got? And especially when you organize your hope around it. Cause I realized recently that I'm not just sad that she's gone. I'm sad the version of me who finally got I'm fur, I'm sad that the version of me who finally got to hear it, she doesn't get to exist now. She got canceled too. I still take class every Wednesday night. I still breathe really loud. That's me letting something go, or at least trying to. Some weeks it works. I just wanted to tell you. I just wanted to tell someone who I think would understand. Thank you for creating the space to say it.

SPEAKER_00 41:39

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 41:41

Well, listen, we're always the uh the the point of you know moving your body in a way that makes you feel better than whenever you walked in is I think we, I mean, at least that seems like you you hit the nail on the head with that. It's like you gotta breathe it out or whatever it is that you're letting go of. If it makes you feel better on your way out, then geez. But what a compliment. But the idea of grieving and apology, I think that's a that's really an intense question. Cause sort of like that first email that was like the sister who was like, that never happened. It's like you weren't waiting for her to apologize almost. It was like waiting for the evidence or proof that that shit happened, like that you didn't make it up or whatever. It was like I it was you know, that you weren't too much or too sensitive, or you know, I think it was like you were, it was kind of the same thing we talked about before. It was like the apology was gonna be like the receipt. It was like, and she died holding that receipt. Now you think like the the apology and the truth like died along with it. I don't think it it necessarily does because I guess someone saying I'm sorry is never actually the only thing that can make the acknowledgement of what went down real. You get to make it real, right? Because that was what you went down. You went down being you were there when it went down. My dad's never gonna apologize for taking me over to that lady's house who used to work at Kmart and having me swing on the tire swing while he was you know, hanging out. Hey, I'm not gonna get that apology, but but you know, you get to name it. You don't have to, you don't have to rewrite the story in her favor anymore. You you don't have like you don't also need her to co-sign on it either. Because at the end of the day, you got you witnessed it, and it's you're the one that it happened to, and I think that's gotta be enough sometimes. You just thought you needed her to co-sign that shit, but you really never did, honestly. And like the one part of you that needed to hear that, I don't think she got canceled. Cause I think that's the you that's who's writing this email right now, right? Aren't you like in the back of the room on Wednesday nights, like letting some shit go by way of your breath? So she didn't need your mom's apology to exist. Like she's here, she was allowed, she's allowed to. Exhale loud as shit if she needs to, and take up as much fucking space as you want to whenever you're here. I look grieve the apology like you grieve anything else, right? Like let it be a loss for a little bit and then doesn't have to be a big loss or a small one, whatever it is, but you get to like grieve it and then free yourself of it. Like whatever it happened, I believe you every Wednesday night. Whenever you come in here, just know I'll turn the music up louder if you want me to. So, you know, I this room for sure has got you. And yeah, that was a really good email to everybody who wrote this week. That was really freaking cute. A lot of feelings. I really appreciate you guys for writing in all the time. Because if honestly, if it wasn't for your stories and the idea that you guys were like willing to trust me with your shit. And I always make every single, I take out every name that I can. If the name is important to the email, then I'll keep it in. But otherwise, everything's so anonymous, you don't even have to worry about it. And I read all of them, I every single fucking one. So don't worry, you're not gonna get and if it gets lost, just you know, you gotta you gotta bump it up. So, oh, and for next week, again, it's IHearYouBabe Pod at gmail.com. We're doing things that should be illegal, New York City summer edition. So send me your most illegal illegal. Okay. All right. Most illegal summer offenses and girl, whatever it is. I don't care. Even if it's the fucking price of your brunch, because sometimes that feels illegal in the summer too. But if you love the show, the best thing you can do is like share it with a friend. Just send it as a text message and be like, you gotta listen. And or if you're feeling really extra courteous and generous and lovely, go and write a little review, leave five stars. Honestly, it I think it really helps the the podcast to grow. So, and as always, come and visit me at Salt Trap in Astor Place. Cannot wait to kiki with you guys again next week. I love you. Love you real bad. And listen, it happened. I believe you. Okay. I'll see y'all next week. Bye.