52: Friendship Breakups

ever found out you weren't in your best friend's wedding the same way her dentist found out? from the grid? and then LIKED the post?? babe.

ep 52 is bestie breakups vol. 3 — the language edition. lose a boyfriend and everyone shows up: the wine, the playlist, somebody covers your shift. lose a best friend of fifteen years and… nothing. not even a word for what she is now. so we wrote the dictionary ourselves: the group chat graveyard (a gif from october, sitting there like a tombstone). the gift-shop friendship (two women exchanging thumbs up across the void). the friend who disappeared and the apology she's been drafting for three years. and seven robes on the grid, none of them hers.

send me your friendship breakups: ihearyoubabepod@gmail.com. everything's anonymous, always.

full-time feeler, part-time hater. let's get into it 🍋

Transcript

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Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone, and I'm your host. We got another great episode for you today. It's a bunch of emails that you guys sent into IHear You Babe pod at gmail.com. Don't forget the pod, you guys, and a bunch of the dumb stuff that's going on in my life that hopefully makes the stuff that's going on in your life feel a little less dumb. You know what I'm saying, girl? I hope you're all doing well. We are today, we're talking about friendship breakups. And listen, we are we are gonna acknowledge the growth that comes along with it and the discomfort that comes along with it. And of course, we're gonna do a little bit of housekeeping too. Okay. So first, I was notified that a couple episodes ago we were supposed to do a lightning round and we never did that. So thank you for catching that mistake. Love love the feedback. Keep it coming. Today, we're what are we drinking? We're drinking an electrolyte zero fruit punch splash. And what else? We do what we do. We have fully recovered from the 4th of July. Well, not we Darius and I, our evenings consist of 48 hours and as much sleep as possible, but the cats definitely did not like the fireworks on the 4th of July. In fact, somebody was putting some off last night. And the boys were they were not having it. But what they were having was, I believe, a full-on parkour session around, I don't know, what did we say? Like 2 a.m. 2 a.m. to like 6 a.m. or or maybe they took like a break in between, but then they came back full force. So at some point we well, I say we dare I just like fell back to sleep because this is like what they do to me every night. But but to Darius, it was he was like, listen, they don't understand. Like I'm more stubborn than they are. And I was like, touche. So, but yeah, for sure, Rocco. At first he was like being pretty brave, but then I like I feel like at the end of the night, he spent most of the time under the bed, like avoiding it's like somebody avoiding jury duty. Oh man, somebody that does our front desk here has what do you call that? Grand jury duty. I had that, it was a wild experience, man. It's mostly a waste of time and everybody's super weird. But I think the most fascinating part, you guys listen, hold on. The most fascinating part was a lot of the cases that we were hearing were undercover police officers. And a lot of them were like, I think they probably come in on days where they're working, because I'm sure that's considered work too, right? Like when you're testifying. So it was interesting to like notice what these undercover officers look like. And I don't know if a lot of you listen to this podcast. I know I can see where you guys come from, which is literally all over the place, which is insane to me. But those of you who live in New York, if you go to the Metropolitan train station, like the L or the G or whatever, they have like a little police like headquarters in there, and it's all these undercover guys. And you know, not gonna throw them under the bus, but they really do all look the same. And it it's giving undercover whenever you run into them. But anyway, wild. Great story. What else can I tell you? Well, okay, because I talked about Rocco. Vito is the our main coon. And I just bought like a backpack carrier for him because he needs to start. One of the things about main coons is that they need to be groomed, like every dude, they say every six to eight weeks, which sounds insane to me. That's I get I get my hair cut less than that, but the hair is wild on him, and he gets these like dreadlocks, like, especially I think where the the fur rubs, so like under his arms, like behind his ears and stuff. And I think that they're uncomfortable because wait, try to comb him as often as possible, but like sometimes like you skip a day, and it's and it I think that they probably are uncomfortable, you know. Like I feel like they probably pull whenever he's moving. So, anyway, he has a harness that's coming so that I can we can get him to the studio because the studio has like a really big deep sink where I think it'll be easier to wash a cat that big. Because I haven't even gotten to that point yet. I also got this thing on Amazon where you it's like they it has like a harness, I think it's called like a grooming hammock. And it's this whole like little situation that they can like hang off of and it it it it holds them tight so they feel safe, and then you can you know slowly move your way through, but like they he definitely need needs it. This cat is first of all, uh probably nine, ten months old. I can't I can't remember the exact I have to write it down. Once I write it down, I'll actually remember it, but maybe 17 pounds already, and I think he's like nine to ten months. So Rocco is like three and a half, about to be four, whatever. He like still gives kitten. And next to Vito, Vito's like double his size, and this cat, I don't know what's called so you know they say paws are a good indicator of how big they're gonna be. This cat, its paws are first of all, enormous, and then his tail is like three feet long. So I don't know if we got a main coon or a bobcat, but who knows? I I I don't get it, and okay, so and then what else? Okay, so okay. Oh, yeah, I want to say, so I was talking to a client, and I never know necessarily if anybody like listens to the podcast because I you know I'll I'll I'll mention it from time to time because I you know I I have to be better about like self-promotion because girl, if you're not doing it, no one's going to. And also, by the way, if you don't, they're not gonna see it. You know, you don't know how many of your friends are actually seeing your posts in their feed. And if they don't appreciate you self-promoting, then they're haters and not friends. I digress. So I'm talking to this girl after class or whatever, and she says, I was listening to your podcast, and I thought, oh my God, you know what's so funny? We have all of this like stuff that we can lean on whenever we're, you know, breaking up with a partner, or we're breaking up with like even if you're breaking up with your parents, like there's a you know, there's books about like what it's like to have divorced parents, and but there's not really, and listen, prove me wrong. I think there's a lot less about what it's like to like break up with your friends, and I also think that it is incredibly difficult to maneuver, and I thought, you know, there's a whole industry for this other stuff, you know, there's like I mean, beyond the podcast, there's like research and stuff. I feel like there's like even TED talks about this stuff, you know, and then anyway, so where is all that when it comes to breaking up with your friend? And I was like, girl, you're so right, because it's you lose a boyfriend, everyone like shows up, you know. Like they, you know, you're in the bathtub drinking wine out of the bottle, and your friends are all surrounding you, making sure that you're okay. It's like the group chat activates, somebody makes you a playlist. It's like, girl, listen to this, it'll make you feel better. You know, like somebody at work is like, don't worry, girl, I got your shift. Like, I I'll I got you covered. Go take the long weekend. And you lose a best friend of like 15 years and like nothing. Like nobody is like, how are you holding up? Or like the card place, what's what's that place? I forget. I'm not good with my power of recall, isn't great, but like a papyrus or whatever. Where's the cards about like losing your best friends? You know, it's like somebody you used to know really well, somebody that like you had friendship rates list with, and like had you know, vacation memories with, and memories of like you know, moving through trauma together, and then to have that end, you know, there's a person on both sides of that, and it's like really unlabeled, and you can file it under like absolutely nothing. So I figured, like, you know, there's no like script for how you're supposed to handle it, and like no one is like, you know, no one says like it's not you, it's me. For like when you break up with your friend, it's usually like over a well, it can be over custody agreements of the mutual friend group, but like there ends up no there, you don't get like a a closure dinner. And most of the time it doesn't even end, you know what I'm saying? It's like it just kind of fizzles and gets quiet, and it's like a it's like slow motion magic trick. You're like, what is actually happening right now? And not that it's as deep as like your emergency contact gets changed after 15 years, but you're just like, we were a unit, you know. So that's today's episode. It's the bestie breakups episode, and it's a volume three of this one because I feel like it's a good, it's a good one to keep coming back to because it's I think it's just important topic to talk about. And everybody does it and goes through it. I just don't think that like, you know, whatever. And so I so we did it at episode four first, and then I think it was don't quote me, you guys, episode 38, 39, I think it was maybe 39. And then I feel like I kept getting some you know random emails here and there about friendship breakups, and so I figured like, let's do it again. But I wanted to make this one maybe a little bit different because sorry, you guys, I would literally bathe in Electrolyte Zero. The fruit punch is like not my favorite, but it's it's like maybe my second sorry, it's my third favorite. I like the banana strawberry one, and then the blue one is my favorite, but anyway, nobody asked. Who cares? Anywho, girls. The episode today is gonna be more like the language edition because there's really like no words for it. And so I feel like let me take the opportunity and the full authority vested in me by absolutely nobody who asked. We're gonna make up the you know, some of the scenarios and the language ourselves. You know, I feel like together we can probably do it. We're gonna get through these emails and we're gonna like see if we can pull some like some good stuff out. And you know the deal, every email that you guys send is anonymous. I I never read them first. I I come in, you know, on the day that I'm recording and I copy and paste them onto a notes document. And so everybody stays like sealed, signed, sealed, and delivered. And I changed names because I don't want anybody to get clocked in here, to be honest, you know, like unless the name is like something that doesn't matter to the story, like it's like your mom's name or something. I'll say that, or if you're like calling out somebody like to shout them out or whatever, I'll do that. But you know, our listenership is not that big, girl. So, like, you know, your might, your friend might be listening. So I want this to be a safe place. It's always a sealed envelope. And again, anywho girls, this first email says, Hi Dino, found you on TikTok a couple months ago, and now I'm all caught up and emotionally attached to your cats. Oh, well, you and me both. Because they're babies. Listen, I can't look at these two tiny creatures that I like made come live in my house with anything but they're just so innocent and cute. Even when they're being bad, they're just like, I don't know. I just want to play because I'm baby. So, okay, wait. So, okay, mine is short, but it haunts me. Okay, let's get into it. I have a group chat with my two best friends from college, and it's so funny. I barely talk to my best friends from college. It's so weird. Does anybody else have that experience? I would love to like maybe we do an episode about that. We used to talk every single day for like eight years. The last message in that chat is from October. Oh, it's a gif. Nobody responded to the gif. Oh, they left you on red, girl. We didn't fight, nothing happened. There's just a gift from October sitting there like a tombstone at not a tombstone. And none of us will say it out loud. Am I supposed to text first? Is it even a group chat anymore, or is it a museum exhibit? Okay, bye. Hi Rocco, hi Vito, I love you both. Well, they love you right back. The okay. So the boys say obviously hello. And the group chat with the gift from October. Like, I need a second because that's one of the like the weird, I don't not like sad, but like kinda, I'm girl, I'm not, I'm not reading you at all. That just feels like you know, sad that the gif is just sitting there. It's like it's not a group chat anymore if nobody's chatting. It feels like, you know, whenever the pandemic was happening and you were like on a group chat, like too many group chats, and so you had to like mute the group chat. It sounds like it sounds like they muted the chat. So it's a group chat graveyard. It's the group chat graveyard. Let's look, let's let's create that term because that I've had that happen too. Let's all write it down, girls. That's the first entry in the new dictionary. Group chat graveyard. The the indicators are all very clear here. And you know, the the typing and deleting thing where you like can see like you're writing the message, and then like you can see the person delete it, and they're like starting again, and then you can see them delete it multiple times. And it's not, and you're not you're not failing to think of what to say. I think it's like you're grieving with like the keyboard open. You're processing so much at the time. It's like you're not thinking of what to say. It's like, so if I say this, like it's gonna lit, it it's way different than just like thinking of what to say. And and I think here's the other thing too, and and I'm gonna say this with love and I'm gonna hold your hand whenever I say it. One of you has to be the what do they call that whenever they have to revive somebody, the fibrillator. Somebody has to hit the, you know, has to grab the paddles and help everybody get back to shore or whatever. And I think it might be a whole either a revival, or it might be the last little, you know, ding that comes through, or not, or you know, if the notifications are turned up. But either way, at least you guys, at least you'll know. And I feel like probably knowing is better than like walking past this tax tax, this text message thread every time you're like flipping through your phone. And you know, after a while it starts like, you know, getting closer and closer to the bottom of the pile of your text messages. And I don't know. Text them something dumb, you know, today or whatever it is. You know, we not like we need to catch up, because I feel like that's like an invitation to the friendship funeral, but send a thing that you would have sent, like, you know, in year one and then report back and let me know what happens. I feel like this one like needs to be a follow-up, right? Just send them something silly and see, you know, maybe that first one like landed on you know, deaf ears, but perhaps try it, try it again. I'm always I'm always a proponent for seeking to understand, and I feel like that might be a nice gentle way to assess. Anyway, uh let's go to this next email. Okay, it says hi Dino, I'm a soft drop digital girly. Oh, well, hello from the digital family. Love you guys so much. Listen, I want more of you to join us live in the studio because the experience from home is pretty fun. And we get the key key, like, you know, one-on-one, because I I love it. We come in like chit-chat, the chat box is open, like it's cute. She says, I live in Ohio. Oh, I'm from Pennsylvania. Well, Pittsburgh, we're like neighbors. Yes, one of the murder states from your 48 hours weekend. It's those four-letter states. Ohio, Iowa, blah, blah, blah. You know, you know what I'm saying, right? It's creepy. I heard that and took personal offense. Well, I'm so sorry. And then thought about it and dropped the offense. Okay, good. So we're friends again. And I do your classes in my basement before my kids wake up. You have yelled, stay with me at me through a screen at 5 45 a.m. And I stayed. Well, listen, I couldn't be more grateful for that. Don't, don't, don't, don't make me cry because you know, I, and it's not about me, but my my sole contract in life is to remind you guys to move if you can, because you you can, so you should. So it says, okay, so my thing, my best friend from home and I were inseparable from age 11 to age 29, maid of honor, hospital waiting rooms, the whole thing. And then I don't even know. I moved, she got busy, I got busy, and now the entire friendship is Instagram likes. That's it. That's the whole thing. She likes my kids' photos within an hour every time. I like her dog. Sometimes a story reply. Oh my god, that's so cute. And that's our correspondence for the quarter. 18 years of friendship, and we've turned into two women exchanging thumbs up across the void. Yeah. And here's the part I can't explain to my husband. It's not nothing. Like, I can't call it dead because she's right there. Liking, and but I also can't call it alive. Okay. What is this? What do I even call this? Sorry, this is rambly. The baby monitor is going off. Love to the boys. Okay, we'll get to the kids. And I first want to say congratulations for being one of the girlies that gets up and does the workout at 5 45 in the morning because I know what it's like to get up at that time. And for you to be working out at that time, I just want to give you. And you're from a murder state. Babe, I'm I'm really sorry about what I said about Ohio and Iowa. It was, you know, it wasn't fair. I wasn't myself. But look, you know, one of the things I I love to say is stay with me because, you know, whenever we're together and we're working out it at Saltrop, we become a team. So, you know, I I do my best to stay in it with everybody so that they, you know, they, they, they get that, you know, we're we we're capable, so we should. So, okay, 18 years. Made of honor hospital waiting rooms. Okay. And now it's just like likes on Instagram. Well, you know, there the pendulum swings sometimes. And she said, you know, you know, the thing that I can't stop looking at is that you said it's not nothing, but it's not alive. And I get that because you know what that is? You remember volume two. We talked about like the museum, like the pres like the friendship it that's preserved but not growing. You two aren't even at the museum anymore. You're in the gift shop, if that makes any sense. You're like you're buying the little like magnets or postcards or whatever of the friendship. And the like is like the postcard, you know. Oh my god, cute. It's like the souvenir keychain from the 18-year friendship, you know. And I think here's why it hurts the most. The likes keep it warm, like on Simmer, enough that you never have to like fully grieve the loss. And I think that's the trap of like, should we just continue the metaphor? I think that's the the trap of shopping in the gift shop of friendship. Because it's only it's barely alive enough to even attend the funeral. And you know, if she disappeared completely, you'd mourn her and move through it, but instead she's like in your pocket every day, like on the Instagram waving from you know states away. And the and the grief just like kind of sits there on simmer and it never cooks, it never boils, it never cools down. It just like simmers for the rest of your life. So I here's my honest take, and I think it's like it's it, it's probably more gentle than it's gonna sound. So please forgive me because I I'm not equipped to do any of this. So you guys should take my advice with a grain of salt because listen, I'm just one person, and I'm one to say conventional wisdom is not always the way to go, but it's the like is also a door, and she's showing up within the hour, and that's not an algorithm, that's like attention, you know what I mean? That that woman is standing at the door of the museum of your friendship every single day, and and neither one of you will touch the handle. You know, one voice memo, not even a phone call, that's too much. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but a voice memo, something like, I saw your dog and I missed you, and this is stupid hype. You know, worst case scenario, or I don't know, something dumb like that. Like I walk past your house and I'm on my way to Starbucks or whatever. And you know, worst case, you're back to just the likes. You know, best cases scenario, the doors to the museum open back up again for I don't know, maybe you like a private tour. I mean, either way, you I've finally I think no. And listen, I'm so much better at giving advice than taking my own. So I, you know, a lot of this is an opportunity for us to exercise some courage when it comes to how we deal with conflict. Because to me, I there typically are you know good things embedded in conflict if you if you approach it from the right direction. So, okay, the next one says, Hi Dino, I found you through Carly Aquilino's show a while back. Say less girl, I she's my parasocial, is that what you call it? Parasocial like best friend. I I I'm she's the reason why I'm doing the podcast. I I model the podcast after, you know, the things that I learned from her. So shout out to Carly. If you're not a secret keeper, it's Secret Keeper Club, Secret Keeper's Club. And there's also a YouTube channel, and she's so fun to watch. But okay, so you were the email she read on air once, and I found your whole podcast off of that. Okay, I just got goosebumps. So I've been here a minute, and that's my first time writing in. And honestly, I'm writing in about the thing I'm most ashamed of. So cool, great. Love me for that. Obviously. So I feel like if you guys are apologizing for feeling like it might be a weird whatever, you're ashamed of it, like you're probably my bestie. So also, if you're listening to this podcast, you're my bestie. It says everyone writes to you about the friend who left them. I'm the friend who left. Three years ago, I went through a divorce, and instead of letting my best friend in, I just went dark. Okay. So she said she called, I love this perspective. Can't wait to read this email. She called, I didn't pick up, she texted, thank you so much, and never followed up. It wasn't about her. I couldn't let anyone watch me because I couldn't let anyone watch me be that person. By the time I came up for air, it had been almost a year and I was too embarrassed to explain. And the embarrassment just kept compounding like interest. And now it's three years, and she's the person I miss most in the world, and I'm the villain in the story I never meant to write. Fascinating. You guys, my brain just short circuited. I think about apologizing constantly. I've drafted it so many times, there's no like there's no format for this. I know. That's the fucking problem. And sorry, I ghosted you during the worst year of my life, doesn't fit in a text. It feels too big for a text and too weird for a letter and too ambushy for a phone call. Yeah. I I don't know what you like millennials and what's the alpha generation. I don't know what you guys think about phones, but most of it we can handle in a text. Unless, like, you know, we're whatever. So I think about apologize, baby, poop. Okay, sorry. So I do nothing, which I'm aware is the worst option in every day of nothing makes the pile of nothing feel bigger. Yeah. How do you come back from a disappearance that you can't explain? Is there even a way? Anyway, hug the cats for me. Okay, well, hug hugging the cats for you. Also, love, because listen, here's how I do it. I I go back and I like look through the email. So I'm not gonna read it back to you, but I love that you're found me through the Carly podcast because I wrote to her when my business was struggling, and I, you know, I kind of just like put it everything out there, and she wrote back, and her advice was incredible. So listen, you guys write in, don't be afraid. It's it's really fantastic, and it's basically like we're family now. You know what I mean? It's like finding out that we're cousins. We have like a 23 and me, the lineage is real. But okay, so welcome. I'm so glad that you wrote your first email in. I hope you continue to eat email, and you brought a heavy topic, and I love this perspective. So I want to hear you to hear how I say this. Thank you for writing from the other side. I think it's gonna be helpful for a lot of folks. But everyone thinks this episode's gonna be about the friend who got left, and but it's also about you too. And nobody ever lets it be about you because you're the villain. So let's chit-chat about it. Let's have a little kiki. So, okay, uh first the soup. She dropped the soup on your porch, and you like texted thank you, and then like disappeared. And I know that soup is a thing you flogged yourself with, like, but babe, uh okay, take a step back more macro and see what actually was going on there. It's like you were drowning in your own situation, and your instinct was to protect her from having to watch you go down, I think. Like, you didn't leave because you didn't love her. You were like, I'm doing this. You left because you loved her and hated yourself at the moment. Maybe, I don't know. May hate maybe too strong of a word, and you couldn't let those two things be in the same room at the same time, which to me doesn't make you a villain. That's like what do you it's like a wounded animal going under the porch to hide, you know? Or like a cat hiding in the closet. That's like what animals do, and and people do it too. It's not cruelty, I think it's like you feel shame about it, but and so now the debt, and I think you like pretty you said it pretty perfectly, and it's awful. Like the embarrassment like compounds like fucking interest in the bank. Because every day that nobody talks, it makes the like the the the quiet more bigger, you know, it's it's more expensive. And and then the apology feels like it has to be the size of the amount of time you guys have been fighting for, which is like crazy. Like sometimes you're like, I can't even, how am I even gonna approach that topic now? There's like so many things, so much has gone down, so you don't send anything. Was it like last week we were talking about mental gymnastics that people make us do? So, you know, I think you built a case for why you can't come back and you know I don't know if I'm you like you built a case for why you can't come back and appointed yourself the judge, you know, like you decided that it was like you can't come back, I'm deciding that that's I'm pushing that away. Like you were judge, jury, and executioner in this one. So I feel like so here's the format because you uh you asked for a format, and I think the whole like the underlying idea today is there isn't one. So we're gonna we're trying to put it together ourselves, you know. The I think the I'm sorry doesn't have to be as the size of the it can be the size of the truth instead of the size of like the years that have gone by, which can be I wasn't feeling well, it wasn't about you. You know, during my divorce, I couldn't let anyone see me like that or whatever, and it was never about you. I I missed you every day for three years. It's that, you know, and I think like text can be fine, it's not too small. I think it's like just the it's not I think it's like the format that we're working with. And I I think somebody who's missing you will take the sound of your voice in text or a voice note or whatever. So I think it's a safe place to start. And listen, I she might not answer, and that's totally real. And if she doesn't, that's an answer you can finally grieve instead of this like haunting in between. And you know, but I've seen the soup. Women who drop off soup don't like stop loving you in three years, they just need to know that like your porch light is on, they can stop by your house for trick-or-treat on Halloween. And I think you should just send it this week and you know, maybe just be honest. And you've had those like four sentences draft the whole time, so you know what I'm saying? Okay, anyway, the next one says, Hi, Dino and the cutie boys. Well, hello, right back. My roommate and I listen on Sunday mornings while we clean. You are our little cleaning saint. The situationship court episode got us through a deep clean of the fridge. So, okay. I my best friend since early on, freshman year of college, got engaged last spring. I cried happy tears. I helped pick the dress up for the engagement party. I was ride or die. We love to see that. Girl on girl crime is literally the worst. And then a few weeks ago, she posted the bridal party on Instagram. It was a grid post. Seven girls in matching robes holding coffee mugs that say bride tribe, and I'm not in it. Ouch. I'm not in it, Dino. No call, no text, no hey, I had to keep it small. I found out I wasn't in it my best friend's wedding the same way her dentist found out from the grid. Eek. And the worst part is I can't even be mag correctly because we have drifted. Like I know we're not the same. Two years, the last two years have been more birthday texts than sleepovers, but I thought we were in it's fine mode. Like we could just always snap back. Apparently, she thought we were in the not in the robes zone. And those are so far apart. God, I can yeek. I hate that feeling of feeling left out is so icky. How we were okay, wait, I haven't said anything to her. I like the post. I liked the post. I double tapped it on my own volition. What do I even do with this feeling? It feels too petty to bring up and too big to swallow. I love you, love the boys. Sorry for the all caps. Girl, don't apologize. Save your apologies for when you step on my toe or do you know do something rude? So I love that you guys are like the Sunday cleaning girlies because that's always very, you know, we love we love a clean apartment. It's like the that's the thing that gives me the most peace on the planet. And so, okay, deep breath, because this one is like, I feel this one in my loins. So, and this one has a phrase in it that I think I like kind of physically almost reacted to is like I found out I wasn't in my best friend's wedding the same way her dentist found out. Cause like from the grid, and like none of them in the grid were you, and you're scrolling past it between like a recipe and a picture of a main coon, and then it and then this is the part that like you and then you liked it, and you like double tapped on something that was like making you feel icky. I had to put my fucking electrolyt down. It's the most human thing I've ever heard because it's like it's like what are you supposed to do not like it? Because then they think you're a creep for not liking it, and then she notices that you're like the bitter one or some, you know? And then you got demoted from her friend group, but then you had to applaud her new friend group. That's the etiquette trap. You know, there's no rules for this, so how do we do we default to like being just polite, you know? And then politeness makes us clap at our own demotion ceremony. Do they even have those? I don't even know what that is. And like, did I miss a meeting? No, babe. That's like a whole the whole thing. It's like though there was never a meeting. That's the thing about friendship. It's like the emotional relationship, like romantic relationships get like a check-in that you know, they're like built in or whatever. You know, like how what what are we? What are we doing? How's this going? Whatever. But friendships don't necessarily have that same check-in system. And like no one sits you down and says, like, I'm retiring you. You know, they just kind of quietly move on to a different, you know, group of friends. You, you know, you're in different friend zones now, and it's like invisible until there's a headcount. And a wedding is like a freaking fucking headcount. And that's why weddings break more friendships than fights to I stand on 10 toes, I'll die on that hill. And it's the one friendship becomes like numbered list of people. It's like MySpace top eight, you know. So what do you do? Well, I mean, you're right that it's too big to swallow, so don't. I would say, but the move isn't why wasn't I in your wedding? Because that question, like, is gonna, I think, feel like she's gonna feel cornered having to like defend the list, and she'll defend the list and and and you'll hate the defense. And the move is like one honest sentence with like no, you know, you can't accuse her. It's like you say I saw the bridal party in Instagram post, and it made me realize how far we've drifted her, you know. And I got sad about it because I I miss you, and that's it. You're not like you know, judging her. And what that I think that sentence tells you is which zone you're actually in. And either way, you're allowed to like be a little bit upset about it. You know, it wasn't petty, it's like the like I said, it's like a demotion in your friend group, and you found out about it on Instagram. So, you know, of course it hurts. So anyway, okay, so that is the episode girls. That's volume three of friendship breakups. And, you know, I hopefully this helps, right? You know, we got that like group chat graveyard. There's the oh god, the gift shop friendship, all that. Listen, I think at the some at some point, you know, it's a whole new world when friends break up. And I'm hoping that some of this episode gave you some of the language to kind of parse it out because I know that it's hard. And if you take one thing away from like this episode, it's that friendship breakups are different. And the reason I think we keep coming back to it is that like nobody hands you like a pamphlet for how to do it. So you have to figure it out on your own, and you're allowed to be like messed up because of it. And listen, I know that we want to lean on just being like, you know, the etiquette of it all, right? But I just want you to know that even though there's no words for it, I understand what you're going through. And I feel like you know, we can at least empathize with one another. So keep the emails coming. You are going to send them to IHearYouBabepod at gmail.com. And remember, everything's anonymous, nobody's getting clocked. You know that I love you girls. I love you real bad. I love you real bad. This has been I Hear You Babe, and I will talk to you next week. Bye.