54. Caught in 4K, by Myself

ever opened his story again… in case it changed? babe. it had not changed.

ep 54 is caught in 4K — by MYSELF. not caught by him, not by your bestie. caught by the only witness that matters: you, at 1am, fully perceiving yourself. this week: 84 weeks deep in his cousin's wedding album, airplane mode on as a safety measure (that's bomb defusal, babe). forty-one voice memos of one woman rehearsing "oh hey! no worries at all!" the invented errand that drove past his apartment (innocent people check their mirrors). the outfit story posted for ONE viewer and the audit that followed. a wrong text that took 25 minutes to engineer (the review came in: "all good lol"). and exhibit A girl RETURNS from the mental gymnastics episode with a folder called "context" (a little cuckoo crazy banana pants, said with love).

plus my own tapes: the 1am buzzsprout refresh, my mom's little dot driving home, and zooming in on the gym. it's unhinged. it's love with a screen on it. it's both.

send me your footage: ihearyoubabepod@gmail.com. anonymous always. the tapes stay sealed.

full-time feeler, part-time hater. let's get into it 🍋

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to I Hear You Babe. My name is Dino Malvone, and I'm your host. We got another great episode for you guys today. It's a bunch of emails that you guys sent into IHearYouBabepod at gmail.com. And as always, as always, a bunch of the dumb stuff that's going on in my life that hopefully makes some of the dumb stuff going on in your life feel a little less dumb. You know, that's how we connect around here. Hope everyone's doing well. Checking in with everybody again. Like we do a little check-in before. I'm sure today you probably asked a bunch of people how they're doing today. And so we're gonna do a little check-in with ourselves. How are we doing today? And I today am drinking it's called watermelon water plus tart cherry. And we love to see it. My friend used to drink dark, dark, tart cherry before because she had the gout. Not the gout, but apparently dark cherry. Oh my god, here we go again. Put that one in the in in the list. Tart cherry is great for inflammation in the body. Did you guys know that? And also right next to me, I've got a glass of water in a mason jar because my mom always sends me mason jars filled with Italian food. And so, yeah, I have a bunch of these at the studio. That's what we drink our water out of. So I got I got two drinks next to me. How about that? Anyway, okay, so before we do anything else, I some of you probably noticed that I put the podcast up this morning, and the episode appeared, and you're whatever, and then the episode disappeared. Like a little magic trick right up my sleeve. And I owe you a story because we don't keep secrets around here, girl. So I record the episode already and I recorded it, I edited it, I put it into the world. First of all, one of the emails got cut out somehow. And then I was like listening to it back this morning on my way into the studio and almost literally had a panic attack with like the first 15 minutes, I was having a moment. Okay, because like right now the universe is definitely testing my bandwidth, but you know, and I'm having a couple days, and that part is still freaking true. Okay. We're we're today was a today was a doozy also. But and you know, it seems like the days lately have been doing the absolute most. And instead of letting the days kind of like pass right through me like I normally do, I I decided that I was gonna air my laundry out for everybody. It's you know, I let the days do all the talking, and it was giving negativity, girl. And I'm definitely not trying to put that negativity out there. I it was giving vent. Okay. And I sat there listening to it in my own voice, and I was like, girl, this is not what we do around here. You know, this is how this is where you come to be dumb and laugh about dumb shit, and you know, where stuff feels like a little bit less heavy, even like the heavy stuff. So no more. Nobody press play on I hear you, babe, like on that last episode. If you, if you if you downloaded it. You if you're looking to get your cortisol boost from this playlist, that was not that was not the one. So, anyway, here we are. I took it down. We we write our wrongs around here, girls. I pulled the whole thing and I'm re-recording it now today. So if you happen to catch the the OG version before I took it down before Advanced, first of all, no, you didn't. Okay. The second, and second of all, I'm sorry, and that is the whole thing, actually. Okay. That's what I want to say about it. We're we're gonna write our wrongs, and that's the policy. I'm not gonna pretend it didn't happen. Because pretending is so exhausting. And also, you literally saw it in your feed. I just I got it wrong, and now I'm getting it right, and now we move, okay? Everything in my world is genuinely generally and genuinely fine. I love everybody, I love my people, but do I love the studio, I love you, just having a couple days, and the and weekend was a while, is a lot, and so and that, and that's the beautiful thing about weeks, babe. They're they contractually only seven days long, always end forever. Okay. And then I also I realized something when I was deleting it and actually kind of like giggled out loud in the studio when I was by myself, which is totally on brand for me. Do you know what today's episode is about? Today's episode is about getting caught in 4K by yourself. So, like you catch your own footage, watching yourself on the train or listening to yourself on the train do the thing, and and you're going, girl, what are we doing? Because so that's this whole freaking episode, which is so ironic and stupid. I, you know, I recorded myself being negative. I reviewed the footage. I went, girl, and then the the the re-recording had to had to happen today. So I am the subject, and you know, the assignment came came home to collect, okay? Came to home to collect its dues. So onto like lighter topics because I still I still want to tell you about my little HM haul, you guys, because you know, we're doing our best. I want to catch you up. The tan project continues because I was gonna do some self-tanning last night, never even happened. I could not be any paler right now. It's almost embarrassing to call myself an Italian. It's and I want to be intentional about this year. Used to be able to like go out onto my roof because I live on the top, the top floor of my brownstone. The one next to us is like a little bit shorter. So I used to be able to like just go out there and tan on the roof once in a while. But there's we have a big ass air conditioner now that like requires that window to be closed. So like I can't even do that. And I got this little salmon DNA stuff for my face, which I am super excited about. It was a little bit of a splurge, but I listen, I'm 46, so don't ask questions. It's yes, I did also another HM haul, and I'm wearing a couple of the pieces today. Love to see it. And because I did another one a couple weeks ago, whatever, and everything came in. It was like so giving like the Italian gentleman that I'm trying to not me being a gentleman and having to re-record the podcast because I was giving attitude. But I did buy some stuff because it makes me feel very Italian. And so I got some tank tops, and I got you know a couple like loose-fitting pants, and I also got a couple more of those mesh tops because we all know that mesh tops are my whole personality, and I'm just trying to look a little bit more put together, you know what I mean? Because in the wintertime, you'll catch me wearing matching sweatsuits, and I need to figure out what the updated and upgraded version of a matching sweatsuit actually looks like. And so whatever. But anyway, okay, let's get on to these like confessions because I'm not really else anything much going on, like besides the crazy stuff. And since we're not gonna touch that, it we should get in. Obviously, it's a safe space. I don't want anybody to get clocked on my watch. And you know, so that's how safe spaces work. And I figured, you know, I might as well share with you my little uh embarrassing moment because can't ask you to share your embarrassing moments with me unless I'm sharing them with you too, you know? So, but okay, so I have I have a so I deleted the episode at exhibit A. And then, but okay, so here's what I also feel like you should know. But excuse me, the other thing that I think is like also so embarrassing, but I'm gonna share it with you guys because you deserve it, is that you know, once in a while, when you're up late at night, let's say you get up and you have to like use the bathroom or whatever, and for whatever reason, there there've been like maybe one or two times that I've done this. So it's not like I do it all the time. It's not like I need to talk to a therapist about it, but I so it'll be, you know, Darius is sleeping, the the boys are sleeping. Like literally everybody in Kings County in Brooklyn is asleep. And I and now, you know, I get up to go to the bathroom, I'm like, you know what? Let me just like take a quick peek or whatever, because I sometimes will well, I usually I record the podcast and then I set it up so that it just publishes like while I'm asleep. So, you know, I'm with my phone all lit up, everybody is sleeping, and I'm like refreshing the Buzz Sprout, which is how like who hosts the podcast. I'm refreshing the Buzz Sprout dashboard as if like a thousand of you were gonna download the episode between like 1159 and 107 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, which we know is not happening, you know? And then like you refresh it one more time just to like make sure. And it's like, girl, is this like an OCD thing or what are we doing? And you know, you shut the phone off or whatever, and then you see like a little reflection of your face in your phone, and it's like, okay, I'm 46 years old. I can see my own crazy in my phone, like as if I'm like, ugh. Anyway, thank God nobody saw that happen. And now, of course, all of you know that that happened, so can't wait to get some DMs from you guys about how embarrassing that is. And the other one I think is kind of funny because I had to like qu kind of rack my brain figuring out like, well, what is it that I do that's like kind of embarrassing? Because you know, I'm like perfect. So, you know, I share my location with my mom. And every once in a while she'll like send me a it's like her, I know what she does at night. Like she'll be sitting at home. They close the restaurant early because it's like Western PA. She goes home and she sits on like her chair and she starts watching her Italian TV. And then she'll pick up her phone and she looks to see where I am. And I'll tell you, like, I get a phone call at 10:30 at night from my mom, and I'm like, what's going on? Because getting a phone call that late from her usually means something's up. And nothing's up. She just like watches that little dot in the evening, like it's like a it's like part of her, you know, nighttime soap opera or whatever. And she'll be like, Why are you still, why are you still at the studio at 1030? But also, I don't tell her this. I also watch her shit too, because I she's I obviously we share. And so I also know like when she's closing the restaurant, it's only about a mile and a half drive. Not even maybe. I bet she's like, eh, maybe it's about a mile from the house to the restaurant. And I'll like make sure that I watch that little bubble like go from the restaurant to the house, just make sure she gets home okay. Why is that embarrassing too? Jeez, Louise. Is that unhinged a little bit? Or yeah, it's probably like it's probably a little bit unhinged, whatever. And you know, I'll also like look at Darius. He'll say, he'll say, I'm at the gym, and I'll like zoom in and see like he's a gym. Like, where are in the gym? Are you? Like, are you like, did you just get there or are you like walking out toward the door? Like, are you moving toward this? That's it, babe. We're talking about getting caught in 4K by yourself. You know what I mean? When you fully like see yourself, it's like when you're fully like self-aware in the moment, you're going, girl, what are we actually doing? And you maybe check over your shoulder to see did anybody see that actually happen? And sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I I can't exactly tell which one's worse. Sometimes, like, if someone catches me doing something ridiculous, especially like if I trip and fall or whatever, I'll say, like, I'm so happy that I was able to share that experience with all of you, which is you know a way to downplay how legitimately, legitimately embarrassing it is. So, anyway, the deal is, and you guys know I love to tell you what the deal is before we start the episode, when before we like get fully into it, but I have not read the emails. I the inbox is always locked and closed. I copy and paste, I see them when you hear them. Everything's anonymous, always. I change the names because you guys love to put names in there, and that scares me. But again, I don't want the audience for the show is growing, and I definitely don't want you to be listening to the podcast in your car next to the person that you're that you're talking about, and they're gonna be like, Did you write that? Did you write that email? So, you know, or or the like, could you imagine if the person who was like zooming in on your location to find out exactly where you were was sitting next to you and listened to this? Okay. Anywho, girls, let's get into these freaking emails. What do you say? So, uh okay, so let's get into these emails. Beep boop bop. Let's pull these up. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

So this one says okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

This one says the wedding album. Okay. I found you through a clip on TikTok. So okay, and that was it. Okay, so that was period, period after that sentence. It says, okay, so this is embarrassing, but here we go. Last week I went through his cousin's wedding album on Instagram. I'm assuming his is the guy you're you're seeing. She says, the whole thing. I was on there so long, I got to stuff from like 2023. Oh, you like you were like going deep. I put my phone on airplane mode first so I wouldn't get accidentally, so I wouldn't accidentally like anything smart. We love a we love a boss girl who's winning and uh and somebody who's also a woman in STEM. At some point on this the screen went dark for a second. I saw my own face reflection. I just said that I'm talking, we're talking the same language, girl. I just put the phone down and went back to bed. We've been on literally two dates, and that's the email. Tell hi, tell Rocco and Vito that we say hi. Wow. Girl, you suited up. Because in my mind, that's like not even scrolling. That's like a it's like a what do you there's that movie shit. I can't remember the name of it, where they have to like defuse a bomb. You were like in your bomb diffusal. You sent a phone in wearing a hazmat suit to like, you know, you were sneaking around. And then the screen went dark and the phone showed you your own face.

SPEAKER_00 15:09

Eek.

SPEAKER_02 15:11

Well, listen, that's like basically the whole episode. Uh, me and you both. Like, that's exactly what you know. When there's no witnesses like that, it's like, oh god, do I do I need I need more therapy? Like, do we need to have like a twice-a week situation? But look, I mean, you've been on two dates. I'm not gonna fix anything here. I mean, the research was for sure thorough. So we love to see that. Nobody got hurt, nobody, nobody got killed, nobody got hurt, nobody got outed. And your his cousin got married in 2023, and so that's great. So she's she's good to go. God bless. Anywho, this next email says the voice memos. Okay. Hi, Dino, 7:30 a.m. Girl here, deeply unwell, working it out to house music. You know us, I sure do. You once said, leave it on the mat, and I want you to know I've never once left it on the mat. I take I take all of it home. So I rehearse phone calls. Like before I call anyone about anything, my dentist or my landlord, him, I do a practice round out loud, which I thought was normal. Organized. Question mark, question mark. Until last Tuesday when I was cleaning out my voice mobile and I voice memos and found a folder. Dino, there were 41 memos, and all of them are me doing a casual voice, like take after take of me saying, Oh, hey, no worries at all, in slightly different tones. Like I'm in a recording booth doing ADR for a movie about a relaxed woman. I have no idea what ADR is. I'm imagining it's something about voiceover. I don't know. I listened to like six of them and had to sit down on the floor of my kitchen. Who is she and who was I making these for? Anyway, love to the cats. Tell veto the girls at 7:30, talk about them every morning. What we love is 7:30 a.m. girly. We really, we really have a good time at 7:30. They're also like 0% into any small talk at that hour, which is such a blessing. We're all just like, just shh, don't talk, like just put the music on. So, but I've never left it on the mat, and I take all of it home as like, you know, I think it's a pretty honest sentence. Pretty honest sentence, and we're gonna put that on a t-shirt, you know. I you know, I and also by the way, Vito knows that we talk about him as ego is beyond. Oh, he's so cute, you guys. I can't even handle it. Like, I do I wake up in the morning, I'm like, why are you so cute? I can't even handle it, you can't even handle that. So, you know, it's interesting because I want to say the practice is what makes it perfect, but you know, I 41 takes girl. I feel like you wrote the joke. I just gotta I get to like stand next to it and be like, I like the question that you asked is the whole is the whole email, like who was I making these for? Because I mean, here's the thing the the dentist doesn't care if you've sound polished or not, whenever this is your you know, the landlord isn't gonna like send you a report card about how well you you know what about his interaction with you, and you know I feel like the audition that you were doing 41 times on there, it wasn't it wasn't for them. It was like you you were like maybe auditioning for a version of you that I I think maybe you think it's more tolerable for people. The one that like you think people expect, and she's like you know, oh hey, no worries at all. It's like she's a it's she's you know, look, I'm not gonna tell you to stop rehearsing. I do I really do think that like going into it more prepared is the way to do it because that's like telling me to stop narrating my like that I'm drinking water out of a jar. The people need to know. But you know, it's it's load bearing at this point if you think about it, because like you know, so maybe the next dentist call, like just go in cold, put your toe in that pool and see how it feels. Like one take, you just do it live, one and done. See what happens. What's gonna happen? Worst case scenarios, you sound like a person which, like, spoiler is what everyone sounds like. We don't know what we're talking about. You know? Anywho, girls. The next one says the drive-by Dino. Hello. Well, hello, very back to you. I'm a person who found you when my sister put you in. Like, wait, when my God, that was crazy. When my sister put you on in the car, and now we don't listen to music anymore. The car is a Dino space only. She says, hi, well, hello, your sister is doing the Lord's work. And also, she has a great sense of humor and really phenomenal taste. Okay, she doesn't know what I'm about to tell you, so let's keep it between us and the entire podcast. See what I'm saying? They might be listening to the podcast right next to you, girl. Ooh. Okay, I drove past my ex's apartment, which is fine and normal, except I it was on the way to it, wasn't I wasn't on the way to anything. I constructed an errand, Dino.

unknown 21:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 21:18

I see where we're going. We I invented a reason to need something from a specific grocery store that happens to be on his block, which is a store that I've never actually shopped at. A store that is objectively worse than my store, girl. And God has a sense of humor because I got stopped at the red light directly outside his building. And I'm sitting there in my car gripping the wheel at 10 and 2. Like I'm taking my road test again, staring straight ahead so hard, like baby, nobody looks straight ahead like that. Innocent people check their mirrors. Yeah. It's like to act normal, and you're like, but I can't. And his window is right there in my peripheral, and I'm like, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look. The light was so long. I aged at that light. I never even bought anything at the store. Uh, we lost another one. Hey to see it. Another woman down. I just drove home with my invented errand unfulfilled. What was what was the errand for even for at that point? Anyway, hugs to the boys. Well, I am f monumentally honored that the car is for Dino only time. I'll take it. And hello to the sister who has no idea that this is coming. So this is what the anonymity is for. So babe, she'll never know it's you. No, she'll probably know. She won't know. We're fine. Okay. So the innocent people check their mirrors is so funny because you're so right. Like I feel like when you're guilty, you there's a posture and it's like stuck. 10 and 2, eyes locked forward, chin up. You were performing innocence. That's cute. I hope, God forbid, I hope you were wearing some flip-flops a tank top and or maybe an altar top and your hair was pulled back on ipony. But you know, I don't think anybody was watching from his window. You know, it's like the the idea you were you were watching, you know what I mean, from inside the car going going, just act natural, baby. You have this errand, the invented errand, and at the uh at the worst grocery store, but and but here's what I think your brain did. Obviously, you needed like a cover story for this. It's like nobody would, you weren't gonna drive there for any other reason, right? And that's how you know it was never an errand. Real errands don't need to be a legend, you know, spies need a legend. So here's the tiny thing that I think you need to hear before we leave this one is that like the next time you feel yourself like telling yourself you have to invent a reason to go check out or just go somewhere, and just ask yourself what the trip is actually for. Because if you don't need a grocery or they don't have the Stella Doro cookies that you're looking for, you want to just like catch a glimpse. And like that glimpse for real, for real, doesn't fix anything, it's not gonna make you feel any better. There's no healing that comes from like that glimpse. So drive to your favorite store, get the good cookies, like you know, that's the sell adoro, they're either the marguerite or the S cookies. Just saying. And if you put them into warm milk, it makes cookie soup. Anyhow, girls, the next one says the viewer list audit. Sounds familiar. Let's see what this says. Hi, Dino. Pandemic Lives Girl here, 2021, the living room era. Did your workouts next to a crib with a baby monitor going? You'd say, stay with me, and I'd whisper it back so I didn't wake her. She's five years old now. The time is fake. She's five and she was born in 2020. Yeah. What the hell? I hate math. So I don't check his anything. I'm evolved. Of course you are, girl. But what I do is worse. Oh no. I post a story and then I study who watched it. Not check, I study. I know the order means nothing. Don't tell me it doesn't. I've done research. Okay, well, girl, I'm not gonna tell you that. The research is me refreshing, and last Thursday I posted a story specifically engineered for one viewer. Girl, we've all done it. An outfit story, girls, you know.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Okay, wait till you hear.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

And like a tank top, and like she's got like a the like just she is blush blind and she's got freckles, and uh am I straight? So it says you an outfit story, girls, you know, and then I ought wait, and then I audited that viewer list like the IRS. I see what you did there. I audited that viewer list like it was the IRS. And when his name finally showed up, I felt this little ding of victory. Well, yeah, girl, you win. Like I'd won something, of course you did. It's like when you hit the thing with the hammer at the fair and it goes all the way up and it hits that bell, and they give you that you won, girl. That's you winning. You guys, an example of a boss girl winning exhibit A. And then immediately after the ding, I heard myself think the words, he watched it within the hour. That's a good sign. And Dino, I had to put the phone in the other room within the hour. I'm running analytics on a dude. I have a five-year-old. I have a five-year-old and a mortgage, and I'm running engagement metrics on a person who says LOL with a period. What is the end game here? There is no end game. Love you, love the boys, love Darius. My daughter calls Vito the big cat. He's a bee wee we big cat. He really is 17 pounds or something like that. That cat that cat eats like five cans of food a day. Someone's gonna be like, I know I'm gonna get a DM be like, you're overfeeding the cat. Girl, this cat is not a cat, it's a lion. He's like a black panther. He's enormous. He makes my other cat who was who was slightly overweight, look like a he looks like a kitten for forever now because this other cat is gigantic. Anyway, I love that you were whispering whenever your kid was I whenever your kid was sleeping. There'd be times whenever I was like playing songs or whatever, or because I I would swear sometimes in class. I tried not to because I knew we were like doing the workout with kids a lot. So I would always be like, okay, you know, if there are kids in the room, it might be a great time to put your headphones on. So but that that was really cute. I love I love stories like that. And I I that's the one part I kind of miss about having taught in my living room during the pandemic was that like people were like sharing content of like them of them moving to your workout. And I always thought I was always so you know, it's very, very cute. But but let's see, okay, you know the the the thing about I don't check is anything, I'm evolved. What I do is worse is also gonna go on a t-shirt. That one might be that's fucking hilarious. And the audit and the IRS, girl, you guys are like jit literal poets. But okay, so the audit, you didn't like post a story, girl. You like set a trap with a cute outfit on. You were like, here's my thirst trap. See where that came from, and then you sat over like the trap with a clipboard, and you were like, Okay, like a check mark, nice as like okay, and you're like giving the four checks and then the one across. That's five. And I actually don't know if the order that they show up in is the order that they saw it in, but I believe you. I really do. Listen, I trust you, I believe you. And you know, that little victory ding when like you saw his name land, that's the that's the part that I think you need to maybe pull up in the story, like the one part that I think you can shine a little bit of a light on a little bit. Because the ding is the whole story, like you're not getting him out of the viewer list, you're getting that ding. You know, like you could just as easily mute, have him muted or whatever it is. You you get the ding, and the man says lol with the with a period. I might do that too. I didn't know that was. Did that does that is that give you guys the ick? I don't know. We need an updated list of things that give people the ick. I don't know. But the man is not the prize, the ding is running the operation, and I'm not above it. Again, let me refresh that buzz sprout story from the beginning. You know what I mean? We're the same person. My ding, it just got like just has like worse graphic design and you know, whatever. But and you already know it, and because you put the phone in the other room, which is like honestly elite behavior, like you like salt dropped your own phone right into the room, and so I so here's the only move next cute outfit, post it and go uh live your evening. You know, the list will be there tomorrow. And the I think that little boost of whatever that chemical is that uh Instagram is giving you whenever you see his name. I think if you wait, the it gets the the ding that you get from it, the pang of whatever it is, it gets quieter every time you don't like collect it immediately. And then you got like girl, you got a five-year-old and a mortgage and good lighting and great outfits. Let's just close the analytics department, okay? Because we don't we just don't need it, girl. We don't need it. The next one beep boot bop scootly doo doo doo the engineered oops. Dino hello, and another gay reporting for duty. We love to see it. Salute to you. Second one this month, I think. We sure are. We're growing soon. There's gonna be five of us. My audience is just like not gays. I don't know. Confession, I send a I love, I love my LGBTQ AI plus cuties the most. So let's spread the good word. You know what I'm saying? But uh, you know, when I'm saying girlies, it's like I spell it G-U-R-L-I-E s. Girlies. It's a very inclusive. So, okay, wait. So this says confession, I sent a quote unquote wrong text on purpose. You know the move, the oh my god, sorry that wasn't for you text, except mine was not an accident. Oh my god. The tea is piping hot today. I'm blowing on it. So mine was engineered. I spent and I counted. What? I spent and I counted, because I hate myself. 25 minutes crafting a text that was casual enough to be believable, interesting enough to make him curious about my life, and just flirty enough that he wondered who it was actually for. There was no one it was actually for, Dino. There was no other man I invented a phantom recipient. It's like sending yourself flowers, right? I workshopped the wrong text like a tiny playwright. And then I sent it. And it did the oops, haha, wrong person. And he said, all good LOL period. And then nothing happened. Wow. That one slapped you right in the nuts. 25 minutes of production design, one all good LOL period. And the worst part is I caught myself mid-workshop, like fully saw myself editing a fake accident. And I finished it anyway. I saw the footage while filming it and kept rolling. Is that worse? That feels worse. Please send all the boys kisses on the forehead. I can't believe that there's gonna be five of us soon. The gay listener census is my favorite recurring data set and on the show. And every single time we have a new gay enter the scene, we're just gonna continue to we're we're gonna continue. Listen, we're at five. So anyway, all the boys have been kissed on the forehead, appropriately sized kisses for how um each of them range in size. They thank you, and I love that you're a tiny playwright, but you didn't send a wrong text. Like you st you like you did you did like a little one-man show called A Text Meant for Another.

unknown 35:41

Ooh.

SPEAKER_02 35:41

That sounds like a short story. Oh love it. Don't steal my idea, I'm gonna do it. And the reviews came in, and the review was all good. LOL. A 25-minute production design and then like for the fake recipient, too. And like you invented a whole I think isn't this catfishing? You know that I look like that guy from that show. Nev from catfish, catfishing or whatever. He looks like me. I think or I look like him. I think he's older than me. I think I'm better looking too, but whatever. So what the what do peep? Let me where it was I back in your email. Okay, I mean, you know, sometimes whenever you're doing this, like you invented this like man who you were you were texting. You're like almost in some ways, like creating this other world of like that's kind of like the world that you want to be living in. And to be honest with you, because you were honest with me, you said you like watched the footage while filming and kept rolling. That's like on its own level itself. Very wildly accurate way of capturing that feeling. And you were like, what do you call those things where you snap it down, you go action? And uh, and but here's the thing under it, and then I'm not, and then I'll let you go. Because but all that engineering was doing a job, and the in the wrong in the wrong text, I think, is a way to be like, can you look at me? Can you see me? Can are you can you wonder about me? I want you to be curious about what I'm doing without risking anything, because if it flops, and girl, I think if I think in this case, I'm gonna hold your hand. I think it flopped a little bit. But but you have plausible deniability. I watch way too much 48 hours. You know, it was like an accident that like the 25 minutes was you trying to get his attention. And so next time, maybe just like skip all the theater and just like text him for real. Something you'd like will actually say because like all good lol to like a fake text costs you nothing and gives you nothing, but like a real text would maybe you'd find something out, maybe, and finding out's the whole point because, like, you know, girl, the playwright and the playhouse. Let's close those down. Uh let's see here. This next one says the doctor girl returns.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 38:49

So, hi, Dino. You might remember me. I'm the 730 girl who wrote in for the mental gymnastics episode, and the one the one who made the pros and cons documentary at 1 a.m. I totally remember. I remember this. The doc with sections. You told me to get to keep it, put it in a manila folder, mark it as evidence exhibit A. The exhibit A girl. Well, girl, welcome back to the show. Update because you said keep the lights on for these. I ended it with that guy like six weeks after the episode. The document, the document helped, but you were right. The election was over. He lost. I was fine. I am fine. But here's why I'm writing to you again. We'd love to see a repeat writer because this week's prompt caught me in like I with my whole hand in the jar. Ooh, we love a hand in the candy jar with a cookie jar. Last Sunday I was cleaning up my Google Drive and I found a folder called. I'm just gonna call it context. Okay. Where screenshots organized and dated. Inside the and inside that folder context were screenshots organized, dated. The texts from the new guy I had been seeing, who I want to be clear, has done nothing wrong. He's lovely, he's boring in a good way. And I see, that's what we need, girl. And I've been quietly archiving our conversations in case I need them. Okay. In case I need context for a trial that has no charges, no courtroom, and no crime. I caught myself dragging a screenshot of him saying, Can't wait to see you into an evidence folder. Dino, can't wait to see you. That was all in capital letters. Okay. I filed a nice text. Like I like it might turn on me later, and I sat there with the little blue drag highlight still on my screen, and I thought the last case is closed. Why am I still lawyering? Why is the office still open? But I built the muscles so well for the wrong man that now it just runs on everyone, even the good ones. How do I tell the lawyer she can go home? See you on Monday morning at 7:30. Love to the boys, exhibit A girl, apparently forever. God. Wait, girls, is this exhibit A girl for the mental gymnastics episode? She's back. The wherever we now is keep coming, and I keep the lights on for exactly this, okay? I I have I'm having a moment because first, you ended it six weeks after, and like you said the election result results were certified, babe. You moved out of the courtroom. I'm so proud of you. Good job. That's not easy, you guys. But okay, so the folder for context is the and the fact that you named the context is also uh it's I'm gonna tell I'm gonna say this. It's giving a little kookah crazy banana pants. Okay. And I'm gonna say that in the most loving way possible as I as I hold both of your hands and I part your bangs, you know. So but it could be like called just screenshots, like you gave it a whole like other title, the folder itself, because it's like called context. It's like it has it looks like evidence, and because I think that's the moment that's like you're being caught, you catching yourself in 4K moment, like a nice text from a nice guy, and the little blue highlight, and and your hand is just like put just screenshotting and putting it into this crazy folder because wait, here's what I want you to hear, and I'm gonna say it softly your lawyer in you is not crazy.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

Men, I think, have had a pretty good run.

SPEAKER_02 43:08

So the lawyer isn't crazy. The lawyer she got hired by experience, and she was hired for like a real case by a real situation that probably occurred and she won it. Okay. The problem is that nobody ever told her that the case ended and that she like not, you can't that muscle you built can't be taken out on every single person. You know what I mean? The documenting, like the preparing of the just in cases and stuff like that. It's that's protection that made sense one time. It's not a character flaw, but it's like the smoke detector is going off, and there's like this the fire's out. So don't fire the lawyer. Just like you gotta you gotta rewire the instinct to want to do that. You just like stop assigning her to cases. Just archive the folder, don't delete it. Deleting, you have to have like a ceremony for it because on like a new moon or whatever. No, I don't know. But just move it somewhere so you have to like actually look for it more. And the next time your hand starts like dragging a nice like text message into the evidence folder, I think you take a second with the inhale, pause, exhale, and like sit with you know, you gotta tell your remind yourself he's not on trial. That's it. There's no trial. It's just like a boring in the good way man who's just trying to say, you know. Just let him be a good dude. Who can't wait to see you. Cause, you know. And okay, but be honest. The fact that it's the good one who exposed the habit. That's not it's that's not bad news. That's like a that's a pretty safe, that's a pretty safe room to go unlearn from. Do you know what I'm saying? It could have been so much worse. Anyway, see you at 7:30. Exhibit A Girl Love Forever. But the uh but the exhibit is retired. The case is closed. Okay. So, all right, this is the last one, you guys. This one says the narrator. Okay. Hi, Dino. I've been listening since the friendship breakup episode. My old roommate sent it to me with no message, which I now understand was a whole sentence. That's hilarious. It this is my first email, and it's the one I've been chickening out of for a month. So I'm trying, so I'm typing it fast before I can stop myself. Everyone's gonna send you the funny ones that like the story reopens, the location zooms. Okay, so yeah, because I put that on the internet, on the on the on the Instagram on the internet. Okay. I just aged myself. I have those two, but the moment I actually got caught in 4K by myself was quieter, and I haven't been able to shake it. So I live, well, I'm on the case. I live alone, and a few weeks ago I was making dinner on a random Wednesday. Nothing special, it was just pasta. And I realized I was narrating it not out loud, but in my head, I was describing my own evening to somebody. It's like me talking to myself on the phone whenever I'm out and about. I do sometimes. Don't tell anybody. She keeps the good olive oil for herself. Her Wednesday ritual, like there was a camera in my kitchen and an audience who needed to find my life charming. And so I stopped. The wooden spoon was in my hand. I did a full inventory and realized I do it constantly. I arrange my apartment a certain way before I sit down to relax alone for nobody. I think I think in captions, hmm. I rehearse how I'll describe my weekend on Monday while the weekend is still happening. I was at the beach, girl, what? I was at the beach. That's cute. I was at the beach last month in the water, genuinely happy for four seconds, and then I caught myself drafting how I would tell the story later. And the waves were still going, Dino, and I left a moment early to go write about it in my head. Yeah. Man, this is fascinating. I'm right there with you. This feels very familiar to me too. And standing there with the spoon, I had this thought I haven't said to anybody when I did become the camera. When did I become the camera instead of the person? Cell phones. I swear to God, cell phones have changed up. People are gonna start like they're everyone's gonna start leaning their head forward, looking like a Looney Tune. At some point, I started living my life from the outside, checking the footage in real time. I can't find the moment where it actually started. I don't even even know who the audience is. It's not Instagram, I barely post. It's just a watcher, I guess. I've built a watcher in my brain and I perform it alone in my own kitchen. And the performance review is consistent, and she's never quite satisfied. And I'm tired. I don't want to be surveilled in my own life by my own self. I just want to eat the pasta. So, how do I get back inside my own body? Sorry, this got heavy. The olive oil thing is still cute, though. Kiss the cat. So let's slow all the way down for this one because I think you brought a like a real interesting scenario for real. For real. The roommate who sent an episode with no message. You're right. That was a that was a whole sentence. And I'm glad that you got here. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 48:42

The cats say hello. And when did I become the camera instead of the person?

SPEAKER_02 48:53

Babe. That's the full that's the whole episode in one sentence that we're, you know, and and walking toward, and I don't I think that's what I mean. I think that's what this whole episode was walking toward the whole time. And I don't even think I knew it until like I just just that part right there. You know what I mean? Because every single email, so far as like the you know, my their like the the evidence folder thing or like the the when I audited my viewer list or whatever that where that 84, whatever uh album, wedding album situation, they're all like little versions of the same thing. I think it like we all installed a watcher. Yours is just like full time, and I I want to say this first thing pretty clearly you're not broken and you're not vain. The narrating that's just like a a I think a good storyteller, a person who's good at making meaning from things, pointed at herself with you know, no off switch sometimes. She keeps the good olive oil for herself. I think that's a beautiful sentence. I keep the good olive oil for myself too. The problem was never that like you that you was it's never that you don't see your story, life as a story. I think you're a good storyteller. It's that you stop being allowed to like live your life in it while you're like trying to capture it. Does that even make sense? That I are those words even making sense, and like at the beach for four seconds, you were in the water happy, and then you left early to like go figure out how you were gonna retell the story later. And because that's the actual cost, I think that you're highlighting. It's not it's not embarrassing, it's expensive because every moment you spend like writing that story is a moment that you're not in it anymore. And like that, the the person who's telling that story, they don't pay you back. They're just looking for the next one to to like sit down and capture to boast or to post or to whatever, whatever it is. So how like how do you get back into your own body? Well, girl, I listen, I'm I'm the son of a pizza man and I teach fitness. Do I have a master's degree in conflict resolution and environmental policy? Yes. Am I a therapist? 100% no. I'm a man with a podcast, two cats, and you know, the man in my dreams. What do you want? What do you want? I but I do think this is what I actually know, and it comes from teaching, you know. You know why I say like or I'll yell like stay with me in class? Because when it gets, when the going gets hard, people like leave. Everybody floats out of their body and starts like watching themselves struggle, and like they, they, they put a they're they're gonna like they're grading their performance. And and the whole cue and like the whole thing is to bring people back into the thing that's like actually happening right now. Like, don't we don't proselytize. We're not trying to talk, we're not trying to talk about what's happening in the future or the past, what what my body could do yesterday, what I think it can do tomorrow. It's like, what do I what am I capable of doing right now? So the body is where the moment is, babe. So when you when you catch that like narrator start wanting to write things down, and you will like tonight, probably, don't fight her or like make her feel like shit. That's just more surveillance. Like, I do the smallest physical thing instead, like eat the pasta. Take a second to actually taste what's on the fork. You know, that's the moment. Feel the bubbles in the San Pellegrino. Like one sense, five seconds. It's like when we were talking about like kitchen sink fights. It's like it's just take those seconds, you know. You can't narrate and taste at the same time. You can only focus on one channel, it's carrying one signal at a time. That's not like a hack. I think that's like what attention is. You know what I mean? Like that you you give your attention to it currently on one signal, the radio station is tuned there. And just how I mean, I it's why the beach got you for four real seconds before the camera went back on. So the four seconds are you being like underneath that spell. And so it's obviously still in you, and we're just gonna see if we can get that's that's plant a seed for those to grow, like you know, more so the the experience is longer. And the and the watcher, girl, she's not retiring overnight. You know, she came to do some business. No, I mean she came from somewhere, obviously, along the way. You know, maybe you learned your life needed to be like um like presentable to like recount. It doesn't. A Wednesday with you know, your penne arabiata counts as an experience without anybody watching. It's not like the tree falling in the woods, you know? Okay, but like be honest, and you already know the olive oil ritual doesn't come with an audience to be true. That's that's the that's why it's the detail you couldn't let go of. Like, keep the ritual, girl, lose the camera. And then we eat right back in because that's one I I don't know. This one's getting where are we now? I've already decided. Anywho, girls, that is the and I think that's it. That's it for that's for the emails in this episode. And look, I think that this episode is cute and tender, tenderoni. The point isn't to like stop caring, it's it's to point the camera somewhere it can actually pay you back, you know? Mostly I think that that's just put the camera down. And you don't have to get yourself out of the surveillance room and back into your body, back into the fucking plate of pasta. You know, we didn't we didn't make this pasta primavera just to take a picture of it, you know. So anyway, like I guess maybe this week if you try to if you're doing shit and you catch yourself like in 4K, and I think you will, I'm going to probably later today. Don't lie, just wave at the camera a little bit, seriously. Like just wave a little bit at the camera. I see you, girl. And then put the phone in the other room because the analytics department is closed, girl. It's Sunday. And and you know, to anybody that's up looking at their buzz sprouting numbers or putting beautiful text messages into your context folders. That's like I think if you're be if I'm being honest, like love and fear, they're all of a sudden they're doing like a group, they're doing a group school project. And I just think, like I said, I the the fix isn't to stop caring, but we do gotta put the camera down sometimes. So that's it. What else can I say? Oh, next week we're talking about the Switzerland friend. She heard what they said about you and passed the bread. And we're gonna go there, girls. Don't make me introduce you. Don't forget, you guys send your emails into iHearYouBabe pod at gmail.com. Everything's anonymous all the time. Nobody's getting clocked on my watch. The the tapes, the emails have been sealed. What else can I say? You know that I love you. I hope everybody's doing well. I loved you real bad. This has been I Hear You Babe, and I will talk to you next week. Bye.