Her Outfit Won't Give You Her Confidence

You're at a conference watching a woman on stage, and you are completely swept up by her energy. That magnetism she's commanding is so undeniable, and you think, I'll have what she's having. So you track down the outfit. It arrives, you try it on, and somehow you still don't feel confident. And in that moment, what you thought was outfit envy starts to reveal itself as something else entirely.

This is the comparison trap, and it doesn't just show up with clothes. It shows up every time we convince ourselves that if we could just have what she has, our problems would go away. But the women you slightly envy, the ones with that twinge-of-jealousy kind of presence, they didn't get their confidence from their clothes. They got there by doing the inner work. And the outfit was just the cherry on top.

In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I'm talking about why copying someone else's look will never give you what you're actually craving and what's really underneath that desire when you find yourself searching like a maniac for the look that you're convinced will save you. Because the clothes will always fall flat when they're doing work that only the inner foundation can do.

2:55 – The "curse" that comparison places on your perception of self-worth

5:14 – Why "fake it till you make it" strategies might be hindering your path to true confidence

6:40 – Example of how the same piece won’t transfer the same energy to all women who wear it

7:43 – How I recently fell into the style comparison trap and what I was really craving

9:47 – How trying to “shortcut” with another woman’s outfit shows up in other areas of your life

11:39 – Where the real transformation happens (before you ever select the first piece of clothing)

14:20 – A recent podcast conversation that highlights what you truly want deep down

15:55 – The question to ask yourself when you feel a twinge of jealousy toward someone else’s look

Mentioned In Her Outfit Won't Give You Her Confidence

How Jessie Spressart Went From Blending In to Being Herself

Inspired or Influenced? How to Tell the Difference and Protect Your Personal Brand

The Style Mindset Reset

Standout Style Kick-Starter

Work With Ellie

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Transcript

Ellie Steinbrink: Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out and leading boldly. 

I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach. And if you've ever thought, my style just isn't working anymore, take this as your sign, you're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be or who you think you need to be to fit in. Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do. 

Now, let's get visible. Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift podcast. I want you to picture this for a moment. Let's say you're at a conference, you're watching a woman on stage speak, and you're totally swept up by her energy. And in that moment, maybe you even feel a little jealous, like just a twinge, because that magnetism that she is commanding is so undeniable, it's so alluring and you think, I'll have what she's having, right? Then afterwards, you stalk her down and you're like, where did you get your outfit? Or you take a photo while she's speaking and you're like, I need to go find this outfit because clearly, you know, she's got this amazing mojo going on. So you order it, it comes to your house, you try it on and somehow it just doesn't feel the same, right? Even if it fits perfectly and I know that's half the battle. But more importantly, you don't feel that same energy has been magically transferred to you like you thought it would. And in that moment, do you ever stop and wonder what's actually happening, especially in that moment when you're so frantically trying to find the outfit and you're ordering it up? Because that moment when you think you're just lusting after her outfit, what's really underneath it is that you're craving the energy and confidence she's embodying. 

In this episode, I want to talk about the trap we fall into thinking that one outfit will solve all of our problems, because they never do. And I also want to talk about the very real and prevalent comparison trap that we can fall into and how to start peeling back the layers of those emotions to see what's actually happening beneath the surface. 

Okay, let's dive in. I want to bring you back to a conversation I had recently on this podcast with a client of mine. Her name is Jessie. In that interview, Jessie talked about seeing other women, especially earlier in her career, who seemed like they had it all figured out. She said, I always envied the women in the firm who pushed the envelope. I was like, oh man, they look fantastic, they're doing something different. And in the back of my mind, I was like, what does that feel like? And what's interesting here is that Jessie didn't necessarily want their clothes. What she was really curious about was how she imagined they felt inside. And I want to point out that she was already wise enough to make that connection, that this wasn't really about the outfit. And I sometimes think that is half the battle, getting to the point of realizing this isn't about the outfit. But later in that interview, she said something else that I think really illustrates this perfectly. She said, it wasn't just about envying their look, it was about also projecting onto them that they had something that I didn't. 

And honestly, this is the curse of comparison, isn't it? On the surface, comparison tells us that if we have what they have, everything will be solved. I'll feel the same way. My problems will go away. I won't doubt myself anymore. I'll be able to stand up there as boldly as she does. But I think we all know the truth. Confidence does not come from the outfit. And I know that's something we hear all the time, ad nauseum. Like, buy my styling service and you'll feel confident again. Or lose weight and you'll magically have that confidence back. It is everywhere, but this idea is an absolute lie. I can guarantee you that the women you see on stage or at work or in your networking circles, the ones you have that slight twinge of jealousy for, or maybe you slightly envy, they did not get their confidence from their clothes. How they did get their confidence is from doing the inner work. They reflected. They dug into what was actually keeping them from confidence. And the outfit, let's be honest, that was just the cherry on top. 

And yet the world continues to sell us this idea that if we just copy someone else's look, if we take the easy route, if we want that rich girl energy or we want the superstar status, all we have to do is put on the right outfit. And then everything we want will come rushing into our lives. And I want you to hear me say this very clearly, it's just not how it works. It's why I don't subscribe to the whole like fake it till you make it thing. It's why over the years I've gotten away from dressing to be perceived in a certain way. I even have a book sitting on my shelf right now, sitting right next to me, called “The Alter Ego Effect”. And if I'm being completely honest, I've referenced the ideas in this book in my own talks before, earlier in my business. And the theory around the alter ego effect is that if you can step into a chosen identity, an alter ego, to access confidence or courage in high-pressure moments, you can then step into that version of yourself. And there are tons of examples of successful people who've done this, including they reference Beyonce in the book and all these superstar athletes. But I'm coming to realize something lately. This isn't the path to true confidence in your clothes. 

Because at the end of the day, the women who exude real confidence didn't get there by copying someone else's look. Even if you bought the exact same outfit and even if it technically worked for both of your body types, two different people will always wear it differently. And Jessie actually gave us the perfect example of this. The day she and I met, to record her podcast interview, we were both wearing a version of a blue and white striped button down shirt with a vest. Our vests were slightly different, but it was kind of, you know, the same idea. And she laughed and said, you didn't ask me to put on your style. And that's exactly my point. I've had multiple clients end up with the same piece before, but how they wore it, how they style it, or how I helped them style it, how it felt on them, how it got translated, it was completely different. So copying isn't actually the secret. The secret is the translation. The secret is alignment from the inside out. And without that, something will always feel just a little bit off. 

Now, it may sound like I'm being a little judgy right now. I wish I could tell you that I'm immune to this, that I've never fallen into comparison mode, that I never want to copy someone else's look. And that's just not true. I recorded an episode about lusting after another woman's look. We'll reference that in the show notes. But I'm actually able to get to this level of rawness, of complete honesty, because I've also fallen into this comparison trap. And just last year, this is another example, different from the podcast episode I recorded earlier. Last year, I saw another woman in MySpace get featured in a promotional magazine spread. And of course, she looked phenomenal and like a rock star. And when I saw her photo, I was just struck by how confident she looked. And I hate to admit this, I really do, but I'm here, because I want you to know I relate. I totally tanked. In fact, I spiraled big time. I started telling myself that she had something I didn't. I even had to consult a few trusted friends just to like get me back onto solid ground, but after the jealousy and the feeling of lack settled down, I forced myself to pause and ask, what is really happening here? Because we all know it's never about the thing, it's always like, what is underneath that? 

Jealousy is rarely about what we think it's about. It's usually pointing us towards something we want really deep down. And what I realized was this. I didn't want her life. I didn't want her exact business model. I didn't want her clients. I didn't want her lifestyle. I didn't even want her clothes. I wanted her confidence. I wanted her bold energy. I wanted the audacity she has to show up however she wanted and could just say screw it to everybody else. That's what I was craving, not her outfit. And this is where I want to take a moment to just zoom out to see the forest through the trees. Because this pattern doesn't just show up with clothes. Lusting over someone's outfit and working tirelessly to make it your own is kind of like anything else we idolize. The dream client. Getting on that dream stage. The perfect speaker reel. A certain income. A certain number in our bank account. And then all of the things we imagined that having that income will give us, or the experiences it will give us, or the material things it will get us. But when we finally get those things, they often fall flat. They don't deliver the feeling we thought they would. It's like the high maybe lasts momentarily, but it really just doesn't last. 

Because we asked that thing or that achievement or that status to give us something, it was never meant to give. And this perfect outfit is the same way. We think it will be the sturdy scaffolding that holds us up. And when it doesn't deliver, we're left staring at what's actually required, the real scaffolding. That scaffolding is inner confidence, inner trust, inner steadiness. Confidence doesn't rely on the perfect outfit. Confidence doesn't rely on praise or compliments. It's a steady knowing that you're on solid ground. And whatever comes on top of that, the clothes, the success, the recognition, the praise, that's just icing. That's why I say all the time that clothes are never the most important thing in this process and in the services that I provide to my clients. And it's hard to communicate this because it's like, well, I'm a stylist. Of course, clothes are a thing. And we certainly make them to be the most important thing, but they really aren't. 

The real transformations happen, when a woman comes back to herself, when she knows she's valuable without all these things. She realizes she's steady, she's unshakable, she's got confidence that makes no sense. And then when we dress her, or we dress… you dress from that place, it amplifies what's already there. This is why, when I work with my clients, in my one-on-one services standout style Kickstarter program and also in my group program, the first chunk of time, if it's one-on-one, it's an entire month. It has nothing to do with shopping. We focus on the foundation. Things like what do I like? Who is the woman I'm becoming? What do I value? How do I want to be seen? Not how do I want others to perceive me and how can I craft the perfect look so that people see me in a certain way. No. We're also asking, where am I getting in my own way by holding on to beliefs that no longer fit? Where am I keeping myself stuck, because I believe this, that, or the other thing? And then the clothes come from that foundation of groundedness, of knowing, not the other way around. And that's why the transformations are so powerful, because the clothes flow out of that inner work. They don't come from copying someone else or doing a shopping haul. And I'm just so sorry about our culture, particularly retailers, but there are others in this space, there are coaches and various people saying that this is how it is, this is how it works. We really need to flip this idea upside down. 

I wanted to record this episode today, because I want you to know something and I want it to really sink in. The idea is not to feel like, oh no, I'm a problem, because I have these feelings. No. I hope you are hearing that you're not the only one having these kinds of feelings. You're not wrong for feeling that twinge of jealousy and envy, when you see a woman shining in her amazing outfit on stage. And when you're searching like a maniac for the outfit that you're convinced will save you, I get it because I've been there. But I want you to remember, this isn't about the woman on stage. It isn't about her outfit. It's a nudge. It's an invitation to get curious about you. 

Going back to my conversation with Jessie, one of my favorite parts of our entire interview was near the end and she talked about after we had done all this work together and she needed to go to a dinner. So she chose one of her most favorite outfits to wear to this really fancy, fancy high level dinner with a bunch of important people. And she saw another woman who caught her eye at this event, at this dinner. She had this like really sleek, minimal, monochromatic white outfit, just like luxe, like dripping with like old money vibes, right? And suddenly she was like, oh no, here I am in this like bright, bold, playful look. And she thought, is this too much? Is it too bright? Maybe I should have gone with a sleeker look. And then she caught herself and she said, wait a second, what am I doing? I've done all this work, so I can be my most vibrant self. And in the interview, she actually says, I straightened my shoulders and I just quickly forgot about being self-conscious about it. That is it, you guys. That is the goal. That's the confidence you're actually craving. The confidence of knowing who you are, knowing it's not the same as the woman right next to you, the woman at this event, the woman on stage and being okay with everyone shining in their own way. 

And I'll say it once more, because I really want to cement this idea, coming to me and asking me to recreate someone else's look, it's just not going to cut it. So the next time you find yourself thinking, I'll have what she's having, or she seems like she has it all, like if I could just have that, ask yourself, what am I really craving right now? What is underneath that desire, that envy, that jealousy? Do yourself this service, get reflective, because I'm going to guess it probably has absolutely nothing to do with the outfit and everything to do with coming back to yourself. And with that, I'll see you in the next episode. 

Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift. 

Let's make it visible.