Hope Comes to Visit

When “Try Again” Isn’t Enough: Sam Bonizzi on Missed Miscarriages, IVF & Finding Community

• Danielle Elliott Smith • Season 1 • Episode 34

Share episode

Send us a text

Hope isn’t the absence of fear—it’s the light that keeps you moving when fear won’t leave.
In this tender, no-fluff conversation, I sit with Sam Bonizzi, co-author of The Losses We Keep, as she shares how two missed miscarriages upended everything: the shock of hard news in an ultrasound room, the moment she fired a clinic that wouldn’t test her partner, and how she built a real support web—REI + acupuncture + therapy + a circle of women who “got it.”

We wade through conflicting advice, why testing doesn’t always hand you tidy answers, and how Sam chose IVF with genetic screening to reduce risk (not promise outcomes). We also name the complicated reality of pregnancy after loss—milestones as checkpoints, waiting rooms as triggers, and the slow release of tension week by week.

If you’re walking this road (or loving someone who is), you’ll leave with language, next steps, and permission to hold hope and fear at the same time.

You’ll hear:

  • What a missed miscarriage is—and why it can feel so blindsiding
  • How to advocate for yourself (and when to switch clinics) so both partners are evaluated
  • Building a support team: medical care, acupuncture, therapy, community
  • When testing gives no clear diagnosis—and how to choose your next best step
  • IVF + genetic screening: risk reduction, not guarantees
  • Pregnancy after loss: navigating triggers, milestones, mixed emotions
  • How to support a loved one without toxic positivity

Check out Sam's Book - The Losses We Keep, Our Journey of Fertility, Loss and Never-Ending Hope - Her Chapter is 'If Nothing is Wrong, Then How Do We Fix It?"


Thank you for listening to Hope Comes to Visit. If this conversation helps, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope today, and leave a review - it helps others find their way to these conversations.

New episodes drop every Monday, so you can begin your week with a little light and a lot of hope.

For more stories, reflections, and ways to connect, visit www.DanielleElliottSmith.com or follow along on Instagram @daniellesmithtv and @HopeComestoVisit



SPEAKER_00:

At that point, just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this could happen again, even though I was nervous and scared. I knew how rare it was for I knew how rare recurring pregnancy loss was. And I just was like, well, surely I've paid my dues. Surely this won't happen to me again, especially after just experiencing this. So while I was very nervous. Powerful. I did have a lot of hope around it. And so we went back in, I think it was around eight weeks. And again, during our ultrasound appointment, we found out that we had had a miss miscarriage.

SPEAKER_02:

Hi there, friends. I'm Danielle Elliott Smith, and this is Hope Comes to Visit. It's a space for brave stories and soft landings. If you're feeling a little short on hope today, you can borrow some of ours. My guest today is Sam Benizzi. She's the co-author of The Losses We Keep, Our Journey of Fertility, Loss, and Never-Ending Hope. Sam, thank you so much for joining me today.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, thank you for having me. It's great to chat with you.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm really excited to have this conversation because I know that you have been through a series of experiences and challenges that many, many women, many families have experienced. And I'm confident that your stories and hope are going to resonate with our community. And so I'm I'm grateful to you for taking this time with us.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's not something you know we ever wish on anybody, but the truth is that it does affect a lot of women. So I think having gone through it now and writing the book and everything, it's kind of opened up a lot of conversations with people and um an opportunity for me to share and hopefully bring hope to others.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm confident you will. So let's start with a little bit about your experience. So you get married and you are planning on starting a family. And what does that look like for you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so it was a simple conversation of okay, we're going to get off birth control now and start trying. Um, there was really no hesitation around it. It was that was what our doctor told us to do. When you're ready, get off birth control, begin trying, and you should be good to go. Um and at first it seemed like everything was great. Um, after getting off birth control, we got pregnant fairly quickly. So, you know, we were obviously very excited. We uh started to tell even friends and family um shortly after finding out. So we were, you know, just over the moon about the news. Um I guess it was at our 13-week appointment when we were about to go in for genetic testing and to find out, you know, we had the option to find out the gender. So it was during that appointment. Um, we had gone in, and during that appointment, essentially it was the news was delivered to us that um we, you know, our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Um and at that point, I think it just completely shattered us. It was not something I had really thought about. I mean, it's always in the back of your mind that having a miscarriage is possible. But I think when I envisioned a miscarriage, it was always the assumption for me that this is something that happens. Um you know it happens, like you're bleeding actively, you know right away you're having a miscarriage. I didn't understand the concept of a missed miscarriage, is which is what happened to us. Okay. Um so it was a missed miscarriage in that like my body thought it was still pregnant. However, the fetus didn't survive.

SPEAKER_02:

So this felt you had imagined it would be a very dramatic event as compared to.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, whenever I thought about the concept of a miscarriage, that was what came to mind for me. So I guess like, you know, you always hope that when you go into appointments that things are okay, but I didn't really feel nervous going into those appointments. I think it was more just like these positive feelings, um, being excited, you know, I wasn't worried. Um, that was very, I think, naive of me to not, you know, realize that something could go wrong.

SPEAKER_02:

Um do you do you think that it was naive of you, or more that it was just like that's normal for a first pregnancy, that you were experiencing the normal thoughts and emotions and feelings that a a new mother and a new father, new pregnancy you you experience. You share in reading your chapter, you know, you had purchased a bracelet to give to your grandmother and and you had started to share with people. I mean, it's you were sharing around the typical time people start to share at that 12 to 13 week time frame.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I think that was the other part of it is, you know, okay, you get to the 12 weeks and nothing happens. You feel like, okay, we must be in the clear. Even though we didn't have that appointment yet, I still felt like we were going to be okay. We had gotten through that mostly that we had pretty much gotten through the first trimester. So I went into that appointment just excited to finally see our baby again. We had been in for um one or two other ultrasounds. So it wasn't our first time, you know, visiting the doctor. We had been there a couple of times. Um, so at that point, everything was looking good. Um, and so it was fairly late in the first trimester for us to find out that, you know, the pregnancy was no longer. Um so, you know, it was tough. And from there, it was just figuring out what to do next, having to go through the next steps and go through the motions. You don't really even have time to process what happened because you're having to make decisions about what to do and um how to move forward. And then you have to go through the whole trauma of you know having the baby removed and dealing with the blood and the loss all over again. So that was you know, it was a really hard time for us.

SPEAKER_02:

Um from what did you guys next? So, in your journey, so I'm I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. So, did you what next steps did you guys take in your fertility journey? Did did you assume that you would just get pregnant again easily, or did you start working through a fertility process?

SPEAKER_00:

No, we didn't do anything in regards to a fertility process. Our doctor just told us that once you know I'd got my period again and my cycle started over, we were good to start trying again. You know, after one miscarriage, the unfortunate side of it is that it's it's common, it happens to one in four pregnancies. So there's no real alarm that goes off after the first one. Uh, and I was just determined to keep trying. You know, I was, of course, nervous as hell, but I just wanted to keep the train moving. So, you know, whether or not I was physically or emotionally ready to try again, I'm not sure. But I'm we made that decision, my husband and I, to try again immediately following. And sure enough, we got pregnant again in a few months. Um, and then from there, you know, you find out you're pregnant after loss. It's not the same experience as the first time by any means. You are just filled with anxiety, at least I was. You know, you're just so scared that things are going to transpire the same way that they did. Um, you're nervous to tell anybody, you're nervous to get your hopes up. So it's a much different experience pregnancy after loss. We um, you know, we had gone into the doctor. I think we had started going in pretty early, maybe six weeks or so in. And there were some not so great signs that the doctor had flagged for us, um, just in regards to the size and the heart rate. But it was the type of thing where we had to just wait to see how things would pan out. Um, and I really did keep up hope. I at that point just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this could happen again, even though I was nervous and scared. I knew how rare it was for, I knew how rare recurring pregnancy loss was. And I just was like, well, surely I've paid my dues. Surely this won't happen to me again, especially after just experiencing this. So while I was very nervous, powerful. I did have a lot of hope around it. And so we went back in, I think it was around eight weeks, and again during our ultrasound appointment, we found out that we had had a missed miscarriage. Oh, Sam. So, you know, at that point, I think my reaction while I was heartbroken all over again, I also was angry. I I don't even know who I was angry at. I think myself, my doctor, all sorts of people and things. Um, but I, you know, I was just coming to terms with the fact that this was a much bigger issue than just a sporadic miscarriage, you know, to have to deal with two in a row. That's a flag that something bigger is at play and that we were going to have, you know, a much bigger hurdle to face than just simply, okay, let's try again. You know, I was unwilling to just try again. It was at that point where I was like, okay, we need to um, we need to consult with fertility.

SPEAKER_02:

You need answers. You would like to know what what are you facing. Yes, exactly. And what did the doctors tell you?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, it was a long process from there. It wasn't just an easy, okay, you're gonna get some blood work and we can tell you what's going on. It was, you know, first of all, I had started off with one fertility clinic that they have started, they started to do my testing. And there was just some things I didn't feel quite right about how the care was being handled. They wouldn't test my husband's sperm, which felt like, okay, so you're saying the onus is all on me? Like it felt like a lot for me to carry. Um, so I ended up doing some research and changing fertility clinics and ended up with RMA, which ended up being a much greater fit.

SPEAKER_02:

Um is that normal, Sam? I mean, do some fertility clinics only test the woman and not because it seems to me as though it would make the most sense to test both of you at one time, just to so we get all the answers at one time. You would not be an expert, but I mean I'm not an expert, clearly, but that that seems like that would make the most sense, would it not?

SPEAKER_00:

That's how it felt to me. And, you know, I just learned that not all fertility clinics handle things in the same way. And um, I think it's with any doctor, you know, care is different everywhere, and it's also with how you feel with your doctor. And it wasn't just that, it was other things too, and I just wasn't feeling comfortable. Um, and with everything that we were dealing with, I just knew I needed to get myself into the position to be in the best care. So um, you know, that meant advocating for myself or just doing more research to figure out what, you know, what that meant and not moving forward with somebody that I didn't feel 100% comfortable with. Um, and that that was like across the board, not just with the clinic I was using, but like, you know, I started doing acupuncture and that was really important to me. And I changed my acupuncturists a few times because that was like a big, you know, component of my care, I felt like. So I landed with somebody who I felt amazing about. So I think that was like a big part of that experience was assembling the right care around me. And that was my fertility clinic, my doctor there, my acupuncturist, um, working with you know the right therapist, you know, it was mental, physical, all those things. So I would say, you know, that was months of just doing everything to put myself in what I felt like was the best position to continue on this journey. And, you know, it was a lot mentally, it was a lot emotionally. Um, there's a lot of information out there, and it's really hard to navigate. You know, there's a lot of recommendations in terms of what you can do to improve your fertility, what um lifestyle changes you can make, what supplements you can take, all the different protocols you can do, whether or not you should do fertility treatments, it's just it became all consuming.

SPEAKER_02:

How did you find yourself navigating all of that? Because that is an avalanche of information. That is, uh you could be buried under all of that. And I can imagine that the emotion of the experience is overwhelming in and of itself. So when you are inundated with go left, go right, go straight, go backwards, you how do you figure out which direction to take?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I think it was a few things. One was, like I mentioned, just assembling the right care team and just having the right professionals in place to ask the questions. So when I found, you know, my doctor at RMA, I felt confident that I can discuss things with her and then take the right path forward. Um, and then it was also, you know, finding women who had been through it that I trusted who I could also consult. So it was really finding the right care team, the right support around me to help me tune out the noise.

SPEAKER_02:

That's amazing. So community is is incredibly important. And when you mentioned these women that you that you found, were they friends that you knew close by? Was it a community that you found elsewhere?

SPEAKER_00:

So I didn't have any close friends or really anybody in my immediate circle who had gone through this. My friends were very fertile and had no issues getting pregnant, delivering babies. So that was challenging. Um, I really had to go out and find a new community. And so I had some friends of friends, people who had connected me with people that they knew who had gone through something similar. I also joined an online support group that was really helpful, and it was specific to women who had gone through two or more consecutive miscarriages. So it was very specific to my situation, and I felt like that was really helpful because we were all sort of navigating a similar journey and could kind of compare notes and um talk through things together because we were just in it and in very similar situations. So that was really what helped me.

SPEAKER_02:

So when you uh assemble the correct team and you have this community, what were your next steps? How did your journey progress?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so I went through all the necessary testing and there wasn't a glaring issue. Um it had gone down, it had come down to really bad luck, poor egg quality, there wasn't really something we could put our finger on, which was good and bad. Um, it was good to hear that there wasn't a glaring issue, something that was necessarily going to prevent us from getting and staying pregnant. But at the same time, it was a little bit wishy-washy and like figuring out our next path forward because there wasn't this clear indicator of this is the problem, this is how we fix it. It was okay, this could be the problem, and this could fix it. So that's the decision we ultimately had to make. We, you know, had to explore or we decided to explore IVF because that could reduce our chances of miscarriage. It wasn't a guarantee by any means, but in talking to my doctor at RMA, we felt like that was the best decision for us, and that's what we decided to pursue. And how did that go? We're lucky that it went really well for us. Um we did, we, you know, we did a neck retrieval and we were happy with the outcome of that. I mean, really hard thing to go through for anybody, um, not just physically, but mentally, the toll it takes on you, um, you know, the all the waiting that goes around with it. There's a lot of phases and stages that you have to get through with IVF and the egg retrieval initially. So it was a lot. Um, but again, just having the right care team is really what helped in that instance and just taking care of my mental health and all of that. So we got through the egg retrieval. We immediately decided to do a transfer. The transfer stuck on the first try, and um we were lucky enough to deliver a healthy pregnancy, and so I now have a daughter who's 11 months old. Congratulations. Thank you. What's it like to have a little girl now? Oh, it's amazing. She's the best. Um, it's been obviously a challenge, but also the most fun we've ever had. And uh she's just been a huge blessing for us.

SPEAKER_02:

What would you say to another mother, another family that is in the early stages of this experience where you once were?

SPEAKER_00:

I would say find hope wherever you can. And that could look different for everybody. I think what helped me was like I mentioned, having that community and talking to women who had gone through it. I think there's a lot about this journey that can bring on guilt for women in many different forms, right? At least for me, dealing with the guilt of not being able to, or not having my body work in the way that it's supposed to. The guilt and not bringing a child to this into this world, whether that's you know, not bringing that for my husband or for my family or whatever the surroundings were around me, the guilt of did I do something to deserve this? Like, why is this happening to me? There's so many of that, so much of that that goes sort of swirls around you. Um, I think a lot of women deal with these thoughts. And the thing that got me through that was just holding space for hope. And the best way to do that was to talk to women who had gone through it and come out the other side.

SPEAKER_02:

How do you define hope, Sam?

SPEAKER_00:

How do I define hope? I think that it's important to understand that hope can go can coexist with other emotions. So I think it's the light, the light at the end of the tunnel, right? It's what's guiding you to keep pushing through. You know, when you need to get to your final destination, there is the only way to go is through. And so that hope is what's guiding you there. But you can hold on to hope and also have feelings of fear and have feelings of anxiety and be scared and all of those other emotions, they can coexist, and a lot of times they have to coexist. You can't push the negative emotions away. You just have to hold space for both things.

SPEAKER_02:

What was it like to tell your family and really be able to share that you were carrying a viable pregnancy? Did you wait a longer time to share once the IVF had successfully started to work?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I of course I told my mom, you know, I'm really close with, I told her right away. But everybody else, I primarily waited um until we had gotten the genetic testing back. So basically, once we had gotten through as far, farther than we ever did in other pregnancies, was when I felt a little bit of relief in that I could tell those around me. Uh I would say it was still scary. It wasn't, you know, as joy. I was, of course, very happy with the outcome, but I was still very scared. And so it's, you know, like I said, pregnancy after a loss, no matter how it happens, is still really tough. So having that conversation, I think people too, it's it's just a tough conversation to navigate because people don't want to come across as overly excited and they don't know how you're feeling about it. They know that you might be nervous. And so, you know, I felt a little bit like the girl who cried pregnancy and that I just kept saying, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant. And so it's like, okay, but is it real this time? Um, so you know, every little, every week got a little bit better, right? So I got through my first trimester, we got the genetic testing back, we got to week 20 when we did the anatomy scan, like all hitting all those milestones was incredible. You just feel a little bit more of that weight start to release. But, you know, especially given the fact that when we found out about our miscarriages, they had happened in ultrasound appointments. Going into those ultrasound appointments were not fun. You know, I was always on edge. And unfortunately, that's always going to carry with me. Do you plan to have more children? Yeah, so I just had a consult today with my doctor at RMA to start the process or at least start talking about the process of going for number two. Congratulations. That is scary. It's it's exciting, but I think, you know, once she was here, of course, what had happened never truly left, but I kind of was able to put it way back in my mind for a while. And now all those things are starting to come up again for me, just in thinking of the fact that we're going to be going through this process again. Um, and at least things are very different now in that I've done all the legwork and I've gotten myself to this point where I'm in great hands. However, you know, anything can happen, and I know that now. And so that realization is still very much, you know, with me.

SPEAKER_02:

You brought up an interesting point that I think uh you have a unique perspective for that may help other people. When we are talking to someone or when we are congratulating or loving on someone who is going through the early stages of pregnancy after loss, what is the best thing to say to someone? Um how how do we celebrate tentatively or love on someone without making them feel like there's too much expectation on that pregnancy once they've decided to share? Because I always work to make sure that I'm properly empathetic and properly compassionate. But I don't want to overstep.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's okay to be happy for them, but I think it's just important to hold space for any other emotions that they may be feeling. So recognizing and acknowledging the fact that they're probably scared and there's probably a lot of anxiety that's following them through this process. And so just giving them the space to talk about that too, and you know, attempting not to be overly positive, but sort of meet them where they are, those are the conversations I always appreciated the most.

SPEAKER_02:

So more listening, less talking. Yeah. Asking someone how they're feeling and making sure they have the space to tell us how they're feeling. Exactly.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Do you have any advice for women as they begin their pregnancy journey?

SPEAKER_00:

As they begin their pregnancy journey, I would just say, you know, do your due diligence. Um it's important to understand your body. Um, I think that's something that I didn't fully grasp when I went into trying to get pregnant. Um, you know, I didn't, I had been on birth control for since I was 19. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I didn't understand my cycles. I had just went from birth control to trying to get pregnant, and there was no no in between. Um so I would just hold space for the transition that your body may need. And um I think it's important to know um, you know, as much as you can about your body, your cycle, what the options are, and try trying to explore that earlier than maybe you think you need to.

SPEAKER_02:

I have another question for you. You mentioned that you are surrounded by a uh group of friends who are especially fertile. What can the especially fertile or people who are not thinking about it because it just happens do to support their friends who are finding themselves on a more challenging road? Because I think that when you in younger years in your 20s and and early 30s, when you get married and you start having kids, for some people it just happens. And it doesn't occur to them that it's not going to, and they find themselves having some friends in your shoes where there is a struggle. What can they do to support someone in your shoes?

SPEAKER_00:

I think it goes back to what we were saying earlier that it's important to just listen in a lot of instances and just hold space for for your friend who's going through it. Um they might not want to talk to you if you're somebody who you know is pregnant or has a young child, and that's okay, and that's temporary, likely. So I think acknowledging that and offer to be there for them, but also recognize that they might need to keep their distance from you for a bit and be okay with that, understanding of that. I think it's still important to reach out. I wouldn't go silent. Um, you could always, you know, send money for a coffee or you know, something to let them know that you're thinking about them. Um, because certainly when you're going through this, like your mental health is going. Going through it. So any reach out from a friend is, you know, is appreciated, I think. But it's just a matter of balancing that with the acknowledgement that things might be a little awkward or unsettling for a little bit as as they're navigating through this difficult time. But I think saying something is better than nothing.

SPEAKER_02:

I think that's really important that you mentioned that because I know that uh when I was young, I did have a few friends who struggled. And other friends were afraid to mention that they were pregnant. And I know that there was some distance that was created. And I think in my later years, being much older now, I can see how important it is that people don't go silent and that they don't take their good fortune and the silence as a result personally, right? Um and that continuing to reach out is really, really important, even if you're not necessarily hearing back, uh, similar to grief, right? Just similar to a traditional loss. If if a mother dies or a, you know, when you lose a child, this is a loss. This is a this is a a loss for you. And when you experience that level of grief and you go silent because of it, you still need people to reach out and say, we're thinking about you and we're here for you, and what can we do? And we love you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and you mentioned this idea of loss, and there's so much loss that goes into some when somebody's experiencing fertility challenges. I mean, you might go through the loss of a baby. You are going through the loss of what you thought your future was going to look like. You go through the loss of you know, being pregnant and starting your future. It's a lot of grief that goes around it. So it's very layered and it might not look so black and white as if you lose your mom or your sister, and as terrible as those things are. This is like very nuanced and um, you know, something that as women we just have to keep pushing through and you know, hold the hope that we're going to end up on the other end with a baby. Um, but there's a lot, you know, emotionally that goes into that. So yeah, as you said, just you know, keeping all that in mind if you have a friend going through it and understanding that there's um a lot of different layers to what they're going through.

SPEAKER_02:

Save, I'm so grateful to you for having this conversation with me. Is there anything that I didn't ask you that you'd really like to share?

SPEAKER_00:

Um no, I think, you know, like I said, it's it's a it's a journey and it's not over even once you maybe have a child in your arms, especially if you're thinking of more children. It it's something that you have to continuously navigate and kind of work through that trauma of what you went through. And so that's kind of where I'm at right now is revisiting a lot of those feelings and emotions. Um and so I just feel for anybody going through this and you know, want to extend hope for them.

SPEAKER_02:

I am wishing you all the most amazing luck and magic as you begin this journey again. And I want to remind everyone um your chapter in this book is If nothing is wrong, then how do we fix it? And the book is The Losses We Keep, Our Journey of Fertility, Loss, and Never-Ending Hope. Thank you so much for spending time with me today.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_02:

And friends, thank you for joining us on this episode of Hope Comes to Visit. I'm Danielle Elliott Smith, and it has, as always, been a joy to have you here with us. We so hope we've given you some love and hope and magic for this period of time in your life. Take some time and share this episode with someone you know who needs to hear this version of hope. And until we see you again, please take very good care of you.