S2 EP 15 When Love Has Four Legs: Grief, Connection, and Hope - A Conversation with Jean Alfieri (Ep 58)

There’s something about the love of a dog that feels both simple and profound. It grounds us, meets us where we are, and reminds us—often in the quietest ways—what connection really looks like.

In this episode of Hope Comes to Visit, Danielle sits down with author and speaker Jean Alfieri, whose life and work are rooted in a deep love for dogs—especially those who need it most. From rescue stories to the heartbreak of loss, Jean shares what it means to open your heart again and again, even knowing how the story will end.

Together, they explore the grief of losing a beloved pet, the traditions that help us hold onto their memory, and the unexpected ways hope shows up in the middle of heartbreak.

This conversation is a gentle reminder that love doesn’t disappear—it shifts, it softens, and it stays with us in ways we can still feel.

✨ In this episode:

• Why the bond with a pet can feel so deeply profound 
•  The reality of grief—and why it deserves to be honored 
•  Simple, meaningful ways to remember and celebrate a pet 
•  What dogs teach us about love, presence, and connection 
•  Jean’s beautiful definition of hope 

Whether you’ve loved and lost a pet, or simply understand the comfort of unconditional love, this episode will meet you with warmth, honesty, and a little light.

Connect with Jean on her Website - DogAuthor.

Find her most popular book - Does God Have a Dog - here.
As well as 21 Ways to Weather the Loss of a Pet: An Idea Guide to Grieving and Healing
Start looking at her other favorites here.

Thank you for listening to Hope Comes to Visit. If this conversation helps, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope today, and leave a review - it helps others find their way to these conversations.

New episodes drop every Monday, so you can begin your week with a little light and a lot of hope.

For more stories, reflections, and ways to connect, visit www.DanielleElliottSmith.com or follow along on Instagram @daniellesmithtv and @HopeComestoVisit

Transcript

Hope Defined In One Line

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I describe hope as having the trust that the darkness will end. Um, hope doesn't push darkness aside. It believes that it it will have an ending.

Why Dogs Ground Our Lives

Danielle Elliott Smith 0:21

Let's take a quick moment to thank the people that support and sponsor the podcast. When life takes an unexpected turn, you deserve someone who will stand beside you. St. Louis attorney Chris Duly offers experienced one-on-one legal defense. Call 314-384-4000 or 314-DUI help. Or you can visit Dulilawfirm.com. That's D-U-L-L-E Law Firm.com for a free consultation. There's something about the way love shows up through annals. It's simple, it's honest, and it has a way of grounding us to what really matters. Welcome to Hope Comes to Visit, a space where we honor the moment, big and small, that bring us back to ourselves, where we talk about the real stuff, the meaningful stuff, and sometimes the kind of joy that comes with four legs and a wagging tail. I'm Danielle Elliott Smith, and I'm really glad you're here with us today. Today I'm joined by Jean Alfieri, award-winning author, speaker, and someone whose life is filled with a deep love for dogs and the joy they bring. Jean has a heart for rescue and adoption, and her life and home are a reflection of that love. Through her advocacy for adoption and the story she shares, Jean reminds us that hope and joy often live in the everyday relationships we nurture. Jean, I'm so happy to have you here with me today. Thank you for taking time.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Thanks, Danielle. It's a pleasure to be here.

Danielle Elliott Smith 1:44

I am excited about this conversation because it's not one that I've had, but also I think it's so truly relatable. And anyone who listens to the podcast knows that to me, one of the the true gifts about these conversations, I always hope, uh, pun intended, is that people feel seen and heard. And I think the work you do and what you do day to day is the goal is to make people feel seen and heard. So I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Well, thank you.

Danielle Elliott Smith 2:18

So tell me how did your love of dogs turn into a career path?

SPEAKER_00 2:26

Yeah, so I didn't even realize I was on a career path. It was just the way things were going. Um, I've loved dogs ever since I was a kid. And, you know, if you have had a dog or any kind of pet growing up, you know how special that is. And so as I moved through my career, I also volunteered at our local Humane Society and other local shelters. Then I was on staff at the Humane Society and I was writing stories, and the stories were um getting picked up by different devotionals. And all of a sudden, I was 10 years in and I thought, wow, I there's kind of a theme here. And that's what brought it all around to me that whether I'm writing for children or writing for grown-ups, the theme is the same. And so that's what I'm offering. So, what's the theme? It's love stories about dogs. Um, whether they are um heartbreaking because there's a lot of grief around losing a pet. And in visiting um schools and talking with second and third graders, I discovered that I wasn't the only one that, you know, is is pained by the loss of a pet. Um, but also just the mysterious way they sometimes find us. I I know we go to shelters and pick them, or we have um we meet a breeder and we choose, but often they choose us. And it's it's all very interesting to me how it how it comes to play out. I am a huge proponent for um the adoption of senior dogs. My husband and I rescue older dogs, we call them vintage puppies. But really, regardless of where you where you have, you know, where your furry friend has come from, they're very special in our lives. I love that you call them vintage puppies. How many how many vintage puppies have you had? So we've had over a dozen. Um, my husband and I together as a couple, and we've had dogs separately before we met. We most at the most we've had four, um, and at the fewest we've had one. Okay, what do you have now? So we have lost four dogs in the last 16 months. It's been a very hard road. Um, most recently in the last two months, we lost two pugs, which are uh, if I had to say a favorite breed, uh the pug, it just always touches my heart. We are with one. She we're gonna get her checked. I've never, we've always had mixes, um, and we've never had the DNA checked. But this dog is creating so much controversy that I think we're gonna have to get her checked out. Some guess she's a Dachan because she's low to the ground, uh, but she's got a rat terrier look and she acts very much like a terrier. They're kind of goofy and they um they spring up and down with excitement. So she has the characteristics of a terrier, but the outward appearance of a Dachan, I don't, we're not quite sure, but she's lovely. What is it about the pug that that grabs your heart? So I the appearance, the smooshy face, the round tail, but they're also just so chill. They kind of just like hanging out with you. They get the zoomies like every other dog. There's excitement, there's agility there. Um, but I just like their their really chill personality.

The Real Weight Of Pet Grief

Danielle Elliott Smith 5:40

So I've always been a small dog person, and as a child, we had one that was a Pekingese and a lassa. Um that was Patch growing up. We had Patch, and then my kids, we had Shortstop. Santa brought Shortstop, and uh I just this little white ball of fluff. And now I have two. One is a shorty and the other one is a Yorkie, and they both just have their own personalities. They look like brother and sister, uh, they're not. Okay. They they have their one is Poseidon and the other one is Luna. And it's interesting that you talk about that that grief and that you that's something you're experiencing now. And I want to talk about, I know you've written a book about this. I want to talk about this. I recently had a friend and someone who I have worked with, uh, she's a grief counselor on talking about grief. And we touched on the grief of a pet and the way that she talks about grief, but she said it isn't, you know, because some people will say, but it's an animal, or she said, you know, honestly, Danielle, the the real thing is she said, I like to talk about grief as a a rope that tethers us to whoever we've lost. And what that grief depends on is how thick that rope is. So if your connection to your animal is a really, really thick rope, that grief is going to be hard because it really is love. So I can only imagine the grief that you've experienced in losing so many in such a short period of time.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Yeah, it's and I have to say, you know, we understand when we get into this, because we like the older dogs, what what could happen. And yet we had a really nice stretch of four years where we didn't lose anybody. And we kind of knew going into year five that this, you know, could be bad because they were all of that age. You know, we had a chihuahua who lived to be 19. Who expected that? I had no idea a dog could live that long. Um, so you know, we've been very fortunate, and I and I I keep that front of mind. But you're right, and I love the way she described that. It is difficult, and some people don't understand because they think it's just a dog, or you can get another one, but it doesn't work that way. You don't replace one with the other. Um, the to have a dog in the house right now is just such a blessing, and yet there's no way this dog replaced a pug or the pug replaced the airedale. Um, they're really their own unique, even the same breed dog is just its unique, own unique personality.

Danielle Elliott Smith 8:12

Well, and I also think that in our lifetimes, we are built to outlive dogs, right? So no matter what, what we're doing is we're breaking our heart wide open for an animal and knowing that we will very likely outlive that animal a couple of times over. Right. And yet we love and we hug and we treasure and we make memories, and then we're heartbroken, and then we decide whether or not we can do it again.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Exactly. And I will tell you, for me, it's worth it every time. And it it does get harder, I think, as I've um, as I've gotten older, maybe because I just appreciate the bond that much more. Um you get to a stage where you just realize that this isn't gonna go on forever. And it's hard. It's hard to accept your own place in life as well as that dear companion that has selected you or that you have you have found. And so yeah, it it it I think it does get harder.

21 Practical Ways To Mourn

Danielle Elliott Smith 9:15

I love the way you say selected you because I do think they choose us too, right? I I also have uh a cat, I have an orange cat, and she is very orange cat, and I adore her. And it's it's funny, I do a gratitude list every day, and my animals make my gratitude list every day, even though I try very hard to put different things on my gratitude list. But there is something so primally happy in me when they curl up on my lap, right? My husband and I call it kitten jail or puppy jail, right? When they curl up and I I I'm sorry, I can't go anywhere. I have an animal purring in my lap. I have an animal snuggled up with me. I just I cannot be of service to you right now. Right. But that's a beautiful thing. I want to talk about the you've written a book about grief. Ways, it's 21 ways, right? 21 ways to rather the loss of a pet.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Right. Talk to me about that. So I had mentioned visiting a school, and um I was doing an author visit for my rescue pug stories, and I was fielding questions. This class was prepped for questions for me, and I thought I was ready for what they were going to ask until uh one student raised his hand and asked me if I ever had a dog that died. And I had, and I realized, you know, that pain. And so I wasn't sure where to go with that for him. And we talked through, we talked through the question. And although I didn't anticipate starting a second grade therapy group that day, the discussion went really well. And his teacher was thankful for it afterwards because part of what we talked about was what he really missed, you know, what, and I asked him if he had a dog that passed, and he said, Yeah, and I said, it's always hard. Uh, I it always makes me sad because um you remember the things that you missed most. And what one of the traditions we have in our house at at the passing of an animal is that at dinner that night we'll talk about our favorite memories, and we always end up laughing and crying, and there's so many good, fabulous memories. I think I have them all. And then I talk to my husband, and then my son pitches in, and I'm like, oh yeah, that was a great memory. And so I I asked the student what what one of his favorite memories is, and he said that the dog always waited for him to come home from school.

unknown 11:37

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Oh, I know. I it broke my heart. And so what the teacher said afterwards was they had been working with him, the counselor and this and the parents and the teacher, because he was very grieved over the passing of this dog. And she said, knowing that part of the problem was going home and the dog not being there, she was gonna let the parents know because the grandparents live nearby. And even if his parents couldn't be home when he returned home, perhaps the grandparents could stop in and be there for him. And, you know, it helped me realize at that point it does take a village. It takes a village to raise a child. And I thought, you know, I'm not the only one that could that having gone through this for several years at that point, could benefit from just some ideas. And it isn't going to replace the dog, it isn't going to make everything better, but it might come alongside and give you some some ways to start conversation. Um, so it's not specifically for parents, but it could be helpful, it could be for anyone. I have single friends who whose only family member under the roof is is furry and has four legs. And I I'm concerned for them when that pet passes, who will they have there to greet them? And so it's really for anyone, as friends, as um family members, um, or as parents.

Danielle Elliott Smith 12:53

Do you mind sharing a few of a few of your suggestions?

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Not at all. So um the favorite memories one is very is very popular. The other one I recommend to, well, I recommend all 21, and you don't need 21, you just need a couple that resonate with you. Right. Um, one that I've heard is very helpful is lighting a candle during those special times of the day that you'd normally be together, whether it's feeding them in the morning, feeding them in the evening when you would typically go for a walk, um lighting a candle and keeping that space open, acknowledging that you wish they were there. Um, there is a section that has uh ideas for older art projects, like more advanced. So you can do a collage. You can include their collar or their tags, um, pictures, maybe some notes to them, how they made you feel. Uh, there's also ornaments. We you know, we use them on the Christmas tree, but any ornament that you might want to put up in a window or just hang, uh, that's always a neat idea too. And if you want to get out, go on that favorite path that you used to take with that dog and walk it in their memory. That's that's very um, it can that can be very uh cathartic as well.

Danielle Elliott Smith 14:09

I love these. And so our uh family dog, Shortstop, the kids were given shortstop when they were, I think, five and three. And uh my daughter, my son, and we have all kinds of jokes and laughs and stories about shortstop. And my husband and I are divorced, my ex-husband and I are divorced, and we're still very good friends, so we all still talk about shortstop. And shortstop passed away my daughter's freshman year of college, and so she wasn't home. Three of us were at the vet, and she was on FaceTime with us. And when my husband and I, uh ex-husband and I divorced, Shortstop stayed with him. So he and my son could not stay at the house for the first week after the dog died. They stayed with me because they could not stand going to an empty house. And as Shortstop got older, he had all kinds of medical problems. He had diabetes and he had arthritis and he had depression, and yeah, and he'd he'd gone blind at one point, and Jeff had had had the surgery done so he could get his eyesight back, but he made all kinds of snorty noises all night, and so the house was so quiet without him.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Yeah.

Danielle Elliott Smith 15:29

And so I like hearing all of the little pieces that help fill in the space that feels so small and so quiet without your furry friend.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

Yeah, and it's really a way to honor them and remember them. And if it's if it's more than one person who's grieving the loss of that animal, it's just a way to bring people together who who love that that animal and can appreciate what's happening here. And and you hosting them, right? You having them there helped everybody, I'm sure, because it's just a shared, it's a shared loss.

Books About Dogs And Faith

Danielle Elliott Smith 16:04

Right. Well, Cooper has his uh Cooper has shortstop's collar with him at college. Um on the shelf behind his bed. And uh he had a friend who gave him a shortstop size cutout pillow. And when I was moving him into his dorm, every time I turned around, I thought the dog was on his bed. Yeah, slightly alarming, but very sweet at the same time. That is sweet. I know you mentioned one of your most popular books on Amazon is Does God Have a Dog?

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Yes, it is. So I I'm gonna show you this. It's it's a picture book, but I say it's for dog lovers of all ages. I love that. It's about old Rover. He doesn't know if there's dogs in heaven, but he's about to find out, and the answer is not what he thinks, and he does not die at the end.

Danielle Elliott Smith 16:57

Oh thank you. Yes, I love that. So, how many of the books you've written? A number, like your pug series is children's books, yes?

Why Senior Dog Adoption Works

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Right, and there's over a dozen of those. There's their picture books and they're coloring and activity books, there's a variety. Um a couple of years ago, I wrote Twisty and True Tales of a Shelter Dog Matchmaker, and that's 12 short stories about dogs that took the winding road instead of the straight path to happiness. And it's about my work at the Humane Society. And that's really where I figured out I'm a dog author, because that, I mean, it's it's sort of rigid written as a devotional, but it's about dogs that these stories weren't going well and they turned around. And for me, it's where I see God's hand in all of this, because you know, we can try our best, but at the end of the day, there's only so much we can do. And where where does this come from, right? How do they show up in our house when you really go back and look at the possibly the path they took to become yours, uh, especially if you adopt, right? And they were someone else's originally, and then maybe they were stray or maybe they were um surrendered. And we've had all of that. And some of the backstories I've been able to learn, most of them I don't. Uh, but yeah, being a shelter dog matchmaker was really impactful to me. And I was also a transport partner. Um, we're called rescue rangers, which I think is a cute title, because we go to different shelters and pick up animals from other places that we then bring back to Colorado Springs because we have a very vibrant community here that are very willing to adopt. And so they do well in our in our town.

Danielle Elliott Smith 18:34

Talk to me about the benefits of adopting versus purchasing.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Sure. Well, and and it's all what you're looking for. Dogs are lovable wherever they come from, is my end message. But we we like the senior dogs, and people are like, oh, it's so sweet of you to adopt the older dogs. And honestly, I kind of feel like we're cheating. Um, they come in, they pick a pillow, they lay down. We don't deal with teething. Often we don't deal with any kind of they're housebroken. Um, we just feed them the next meal and life moves on and they they bring us so much joy. So I realize that it's, you know, for some people, it's hard knowing you're not gonna have possibly as many years with that animal as you would. But like I said, we Reggie was our chihuahua. We adopted him when he was 10, and we thought, oh, you know, we'll have maybe a few years with him. And we had nine years with him. We had a whole other lifetime with him. Yeah. I had a cat that made it to 19, but never a dog. I know, I know. And my husband jokes, he's like, you know, we we bring them here thinking they're they're coming here to die, but they come here to live. Yes, they come here to live.

Danielle Elliott Smith 19:42

That's something about the quality of home that you and your husband are providing for them, right? Because they're coming to thrive and be loved. And so sure they pick a pillow, but they're picking a safe pillow and they know that they're they know that they're home.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yeah, and and it is um, we have quite the routine here. So our our old dogs are not lazy, they go on regular walks. Um, we do nose work. We've had a couple of blind dogs. I don't know how, well, see, we say we don't know how the blind dogs find us, but they do. And so we do nose work and we do exercises with them because if they can't see, it's important still to keep their mind engaged. And so we do stuff like that and they really enjoy it. And it's fun for us because you know, you're giving them something they can't necessarily play catch or um, you know, you can't toss a ball to them, but you can do other things with them. And it's been really, it's been very inspiring for me to find those things that we can engage the dogs, the older dogs with that that still give them exercise.

Danielle Elliott Smith 20:43

And the work of the Humane Society, you're still doing that?

SPEAKER_00 20:46

I am, yeah. I am doing different work with them now. Um, I was on staff for a number of years and then um shifted to another job. But yeah, I really, it's just a fun place to be. The volunteer group there is so vibrant, um, and we do special events, and so you know, that's always fun and different fundraisers. So there's always something different to do.

Danielle Elliott Smith 21:06

I love that so much. So, what is on the horizon for you and your husband in terms of another another friend?

Hope Means Darkness Ends

SPEAKER_00 21:15

Well, we're right now on the foster uh list for the Humane Society, and so we are looking for an older dog who may just need, you know, a couple weeks with surgery because we have a really open home now and a dog that's very um uh gracious to have other dogs with us. So we're thinking if we go the foster route, we might um switch off some older dogs and just help them while they're waiting for surgeries. And that's always a really great thing. If there's a home out there that can foster animals, we've been a foster failure before. Um the our hospice pug, who recently passed, was a foster, and we were gonna take him just for a few weeks. And then when it was determined that he couldn't be adopted out, um, we kept him. We thought maybe we'd have a couple months with him, and we ended up with over. Two years. We had 25 months with him. So that was that was really special. And so yeah, we're fostering and and and going that route. Why couldn't he be adopted out? Well, his condition was such that he was 10 years old, he had a herniated disc. He had, well, the surgeries we were keeping him for was to be neutered and to get uh a dental, and those had to be a month apart. And so by the time that I had taken him in for what I thought was his last visit, he was still having some um issues with his stool. And I told them, I said, look, we've been dealing with this for two months. You thought it was worms, he was being treated for worms, it wasn't that. They finally did a lower uh X-ray on him and found a mass in his colon that was inoperable. And if they'd even tried, um it was likely to come back, then he would be incontinent as well. And because of his age and his other conditions, they decided that um he was gonna be considered hospice and couldn't be adopted out. And so I called my husband after I cried, you can only imagine, right, having this dog for two months and loving him so much and thinking he was gonna be able now to be adopted. And I called my husband, and I this was our fourth dog. Okay, and to be fair, my husband wasn't interested in four dogs. Three was enough, and four, I will say, really tipped us over in a way of where do you put the dog bowls? How do you get everybody walked? You know, what do you do with all of this? And so when I called him, I was composed. I told him this is what happened that morning, and the vet had just called me the hour an hour before because they had taken time to do the x-ray and to get back to me. And I said, So they can't adopt him out. And he there was not two seconds that passed, and he said, So we're keeping him, right? And I started crying again because this was why I love this man, right? This is I didn't want to say, can we keep a fourth dog? Um, but we we did. And he fit into our pack. Yeah, he fit into our pack just perfect. So it was wonderful. Gene, how do you describe hope? I describe hope as having the trust that the darkness will end. Um, hope doesn't push darkness aside, it believes that it it will have an ending. That's beautiful.

Danielle Elliott Smith 24:16

Almost like you were ready for me to ask you.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

I've been thinking about hope a lot lately, and as you know, I'm working on another manuscript, and there has been, I am seeing through the chapters that are forming a lot to do with it. And of course, watching your program, listening to your program, being tuned into what you bring to everyone on a regular basis, it really is inspiring. And I know hope has different definitions for everyone. And I think for us, on any given day, it could have a different definition. But it's important to have and it's important to hold on to.

What Dogs Know About Love

Danielle Elliott Smith 24:50

Thank you for your kind words. Talk to me about your new project.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

So, the new project, the working title is What Dogs Know About Love that We Often Forget. And right now I'm at seven. I hope there will be 10 things that I can point out that dogs bring to our life that as humans, yeah, we just forget about. The first one, the first one is I'm trying to make these all as good, right? Is when you pull a reader in. But we had an Airedale named Duke, and he would stand at the door when he heard the garage door open, indicating my husband was home from work, would stand at the door, and he would listen with his ear cocked. And then as the door closed and he heard the outer door open, he would start this march. We called it the party march, and he would just go up and down and up and down until my husband opened the door. And when he passed, it was so devastating. And I knew my husband looked forward to this every day. So as soon as he walked in the door, the day after this dog died, I was doing dishes and I looked over at him and I started doing a little party march. I'm like, I don't know what else to do for you. And he's like, Thank you, thank you for trying. And we started talking about that at night that evening. And I'm like, why don't we all do the party march when our loved one comes home? Everyone deserves a party march. And so that's the first thing is, you know, welcome. And you know, when the kids come home from college, especially, you know, when they come home every day, it's no big deal. Hey, how you doing? How was your day? But when they come home from school, it's something special. You get up, you go to the door, you look forward to seeing them, you embrace them. Um, it is special. And and you never know, right, with a dog or with a loved one, when the last time you're gonna see them may be. Get up, say hello, ask them how they're doing, embrace them. It's it's it's one of the things. It's just one of the things.

Where To Find Jean And Closing

Danielle Elliott Smith 26:39

It puts like my cheeks hurt from smiling. I that's it's so remarkable because I know that I pull into the garage and I can already hear Luna at the door. Yes. She is, it doesn't matter if I left for 10 minutes or 10 hours. She is at the door as though I've been gone for years. Yes. And I know that that's that greeting is something that I will miss. If ever I walk in and she's not there, I'm like, are you okay? What's going on? Right. And so you're right. There's no one who embraces our presence the way our dogs do. There's no one who is as excited for us to just show up as our dogs do. I can't wait. I can't wait for your new book. You'll have to let me know so that I can share it. Thank you. I'm so delighted for you to have spent time with me today. Where can everyone find you?

SPEAKER_00 27:42

Oh, dogauthor.com. It's exactly what it sounds like. Dog-a-u-t-h-o-r.com. You'll find me and all of all of the information in the various books there.

Sponsor Message And Free Consultation

Danielle Elliott Smith 27:52

Perfect. There's so many books, children's books, but also so much for adults. And there is that grieving piece and and soon the peace that we can learn about love from our from our furry friends. I am so grateful to you for taking time with me today. Thank you for being here, Gene. Thank you, Danielle. Thanks for having me. My absolute pleasure. And friends, thank you so much for spending time with Gene and I today. I hope that this has warmed your heart the way it has warmed mine, and that you will turn around and share this with someone you know, that you will seek out Jean's books, and you will know where to go if you lose one of your favorite furry friends and you are seeking a good way to remember them. Thank you for being here. And until we spend time together again, take very good care of you. Naturally, it's important to thank the people who support and sponsor the podcast. This episode is supported by Chris Dulley, a trusted criminal defense attorney and friend of mine here in St. Louis, who believes in second chances and solid representation. Whether you're facing a DWI, felony, or traffic issue, Chris handles your case personally with clarity, compassion, and over 15 years of experience. When things feel uncertain, it helps to have someone steady in your corner. Call 314 384 4000 or 314 DUI Help, or you can visit Dulilawfirm.com to schedule your free consultation.