Tran’s Talk - Wanting More Out of Life

I’m back! After a few months hiatus, I give a life update while discussing wanting more out of life, our ever-changing identities, and all the goals I set for myself over the last eight months (and what I’ve achieved!), I’ve missed you guys! 

P.S. Sorry no theme song this week, dealing with some technical difficulties at the moment using a different computer ❤️

Transcript

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Hi everyone, welcome to Trans Talk. It's been a very long time and I'm hoping this works. I did not take any notes today because I figure if I keep on trying to wait for the perfect time to do this with the perfect camera and the perfect phone and the perfect audio, I was never gonna get it done because I believe it has been over six months since my last episode was released. But full disclosure, the last time I recorded an episode was in um mid-October when I cranked out like 10 episodes in like three days. Um maybe I was a little manic at the time. Um my life had just fallen apart, and I wanted to just get as much out there as possible. Um, and then uh in the past, I would say, what has it been now, seven, eight months now? Um so much has changed, and I guess I wanted to just give an update on my life with people. But um the reason why it's taken me so long, besides, you know, this perfectionism to do another episode, is because um things were just changing so fast all the time that I just I I wanted to update people, and then more things would change, and then I was like, you know, I'll get to it next week, I'll get to it next week. And eventually it is now the end of June, and I have given none of you updates. Uh, people who who listen to my podcast, um, and I want you to know that I'm doing great right now. And um, it's funny, the people that have known me for years, I want you to know that I'm doing a lot better than you think I am. And for my newer fans, I want you to think I want you to know that I'm doing a lot worse than you think I am. I don't think I feel like no one has a real accurate sense of how I'm doing. Um, you know, people who've been following me for years, you know, I sometimes I'll I'll reach out to them because you know, my my life, you know, my life kind of fell apart last August, and then um, you know, they haven't seen me for a while, and they'll be like, oh my god, are you okay? Is everything? I'm like, oh yeah, I'm totally fine. Everything is good now. It was a crisis, a catastrophe for a while, but everything is you know going really well now. Um, and then there's you know people who just kind of started recently following me, um, and they'll see me and they'll be like, hey, congratulations on all your success. And I want to be like, success? What success? What vibe am I giving off here? Um I'm just I'm not working as much as you might think I am. Um I would say that my mental health is better than it's ever. I'm sorry, I'm like messing with my wig. I'm on camera right now, and my wig is all tangled up. Um, you know, I'm doing mentally better than I think I I have ever been. And uh that that seems to be something that keeps on improving over time. And um, but you know, when it comes to my career, I am finally starting to try in my career. Uh it's I'm kind of at a loss. Um, I'm sorry, this is kind of all over the place, but I just wanted to kind of give an update. So this is going to be kind of stream of consciousness. I hope you don't mind. I've been reaching out to people for advice. Um, and it turns out that a lot of the reason why I'm not more successful than I am in a practical, logistical sense, is that I just don't reach out to people. And like that's all the answer is, is I just need to reach out to people. And it seems so obvious in hindsight, but um, I think we kind of avoid what is the you know the simplest answer because of whatever hangups we have. So I was just trying to find more strategies on like how to get more successful instead of maybe just messaging my friends or texting people that I know are successful and asking them to have lunch and reaching out to people to do their shows and reach people, you know, reach out to people to do their podcasts. And I just always been too shy to do that, you know, ever since the beginning of doing stand-up in 2012, it's been 14 years now, and I just I've never been somebody who messaged bookers to be on their show. I've never messaged people to be on their podcast, and I so I just never got the practice to do that. And now I'm just realizing that like yeah, I can just go, I just can just go and do that. I had lunch um with Margaret Cho. You know, I've been friends with her for years, but I just never thought to have lunch with her. And you know, she kind of told me, like, yeah, you message people and ask to do their show, you know, DM them. Um, because your your Instagram is a built-in resume, and you can reach out to people and they'll look at your Instagram and they'll see that you know you're like you've done the work and you have a fan base. And I don't know, this it just I was like, wow, why did I not think of that before? Maybe I kind of always knew, but I was avoiding it, you know. It's um at lunch with this other person, um, you know, she's a um a commercial agent, and she just basically told me kind of the same thing is reach out to people, and um, she said something that like really stuck with me, which is that I would also be doing them a favor because they're probably looking for people to do their shows or their podcasts. Um, so it kind of like um undid a lot of the the fear that I'm burdening people and I'm you know like I'm showing people that I need work or whatever. Like I've always been like self-conscious about showing people that I need help or or whatever. So I'm I'm hoping that the fingers crossed that this will pan out. I'm ready for it, you know. I feel like I've been um talking about being ready for a long time, but I haven't really been ready, and I feel like I'm pretty ready right now for whatever is next. I've done a lot of work on myself um and everything that I've done, um, I think was to get here. It's to get to the point where I'm ready to ascend to the next level of my career because I feel like um part of the reason why I get so depressed sometimes is because I know now that I want more. And maybe that's what this episode is about about wanting more. Um I want more out of my life because I know that I deserve more and I know that I'm capable of more. And I think that's a scary thought. You know, I think, especially when you grow up poor in poverty, you kind of learn how to live with a lot less. And so you convince yourself that you're a minimalist just so that you can survive being poor in this country. Um, so you know, I just learned to live live with less, and I I want more things out of life now. I don't want to be a trillionaire or a billionaire, uh, maybe a maybe a millionaire. But really, honestly, I just want to have enough money right now to be comfortable and to just do the art I want to do without worrying about money. That's all I really want right now. Um even that I felt was asking for too much. And now I know that I want some nicer things, I want some nicer clothes, I want a nicer wig, uh, and just yeah, that feeling of wanting more and being more aligned with it. Uh, and so like I feel unaligned with that right now. I feel like where I am and where I want to be are so are so you know not far apart. I think I'm getting closer. Uh, and you know, there's a lot of um there there's a lot of um you know like philosophy about like you know you you don't want to, you know, your life is not just your achievements, right? And I've learned that. I've I think that's very true. I think that uh if you if you kind of strive for like a goal, and then once you reach that goal, you get depressed. But I I think that I think that I took it too far by not ever setting goals to begin with, right? I I don't think it's healthy to take anything to the extreme. So I really took the, you know, like um, well, I'm just kind of doing my own thing and I'm doing it at my own pace, and I'm there was no real hustle, you know, there was no sense of urgency to it. Um, there was a lack of drive and ambition. But I think that for me, I think a little bit of fear is good. I think a little bit of wanting the next thing and setting goals is good because I just never really did that before. So I'm setting more goals for myself right now, and it feels like uh, you know, the more I do that, the more I'm aligned, you know. Even doing this podcast right now, I was sitting around and I was watching a lot of new TV, which I've been doing. I've been trying to watch more new things instead of watching old things just so that I can, you know, um consume art that's more current. And I was sitting around like, oh my god, I feel so bored right now. Like, what do I do? What do I do? Do I need to relax more? And I think I've I know myself more now to know that the reason why I was feeling so bored and anxious was because I just wasn't doing anything artistic, you know. So I'm like, God, you know, I'm setting up this mic. I don't know if this is recording very well. I hope it is. You know, this camera is just like the webcam from this computer, and I hope that this is going well. But um I think uh a lot has changed in the past God, I can't believe how long it's been. It's been eight months since I've done one of these episodes. Uh, but I feel like I feel like I have I'm like lucky enough to have like a fan base that kind of follows me along wherever I go. I have this kind of small but dedicated fan base, you know. I've told um a lot of people who anyone who would listen that I feel like I'm known by the most famous comedians and some celebrities, and my my niche niche, I can't say that word, of fans, but no one in the middle knows who I am, like just regular, like run-of-the-mill, you know, average Joe people don't know who I am, and I just need to more of those people to know who I am because I feel like once people do hear from me, I do have I don't know how high my retention rate is in terms of having fans, but I know that once somebody likes me, they'll just kind of follow me um for as long as as I as they can, you know, because I think that I'm very forthcoming with my emotions and I'm very funny and I'm very honest and all these other all this other happy horse shit and trying this is technically a comedy podcast, but I don't really think it's this is not really a comedy podcast, you know. I think I throw on jokes every now and then, but this is more of a journal for myself. But um there are certain things I've realized over the past few months, and I'll still stream of consciousness, and one of them is that I feel like I am not gonna share as many kind of details about my life, and it's not because it's hard for me to do, it's that it's actually very easy for me to do. Um, I think vulnerability can be different things for different people, and for me, oversharing is very easy for me to do. It's so easy. It's you know, it's something that I've been doing for a long time now. It's just oversharing and and um because it's like it's like um you guys, you know, the plural you, um the universal you is like you were the people I wanted to talk to. So I everything in my life was shared with you because I felt like sharing you know these things with people in my personal life just felt too vulnerable for me. And you know, speaking to however many people I speak to, it felt less vulnerable, even though it's like I'm oversharing with the world. It's a little bit like fleabag, right? Like fleabag, she would monologue to us, but you know, that's her way of escaping, right? So I feel like it was like my way of escaping, and I feel like I'm finally at the point now where certain things in my life are just for me or just for my friends, and just you know, um, I can talk about other things than other than just oversharing. And um another thing is that I I have I still have this running monologue that's you know going all the time. And I think um a lot of my episodes before it was a lot of navel gazing, a lot of you know, like looking inward, and you know, and after a certain point, you look inward so much that you're you're just kind of narcissistic, you know, and you're not looking outside enough. I think I have the opposite problem from a lot of people. I think a lot of people struggle to look inward, so they always look outward, and I've always like looked too much inward, and I'm trying to look outward more. I think looking inward too much and doing so much self-help and all this stuff is a way to avoid living life. Um, it's like I'm trying to prepare for a test, you know. Instead of taking the test, I'm just gonna keep preparing for it. It's more prep, right? It's more more videos about um attachment theory and more videos about abandonment and more issues about self-esteem and everything. Uh and it's like, but you know, the only way to overcome these things, unfortunately, is just to like live your life, is to actually leave the house, to hang out with people despite feeling anxious about it, to put yourself out there, to ask people to hang out, to reach out people, reach out to people to do their shows or their podcasts. Um and and so like the more I do that, the more I'm like the inner monologue stuff isn't nearly as interesting when it comes to like being introspective of myself. You know, I think there's only there's like only so much you can think about yourself before you're like, okay, I'm literally bored of myself now. And I think that's when you start thinking about other things. Um, but I will share things I've thought over the past few months. Uh, with that being said, I think a lot of things changed after my birthday party. I turned 40 on May 13th, and I threw myself a birthday party that my friend Sasha and her family mostly um put together for me because I I this is a vulnerable moment for me, but I think around early May I told Sasha kind of just offhanded, you know, I want to throw myself I want to throw myself a 40th birthday party. But it was just so hard for me to just say the words out loud because like wanting something was so vulnerable for me to just want a birthday party for myself felt so I don't know, self-indulgent and um it it's kind of humiliating to say like I really want something, like I really want people out there, the the people I love and and for us all to kind of um mingle and then for different friend groups to get you know to combine together, you know. George Cassandra was always you know keeping worlds apart. That's kind of what I was doing for most of my life was I would just keep all my friends apart from one another, um, not realizing that this was a way for me to avoid kind of any kind of intimacy. And it's also a reason why I thought I really had no friends, because like I thought I just had a lot of disparate friends from different groups, but I never had like a group of friends, you know. You know, you can convince yourself of anything if you think it long enough. Um, but when I told her I wanted to throw myself a birthday party, I kind of wanted I then I said it and I kind of just like uh well I'm fucked I I wish I didn't say that out loud. And then eventually she's like, if you want to, you know, if you want to throw yourself a party, you're gonna start have to start inviting people. And I'm like, uh, this is what I was avoiding, is just inviting people. And uh it it was really it was a really vulnerable thing at first, is to send out these birthday invitations to people, like, can you please make it to my party? You know, and then the fears would sink in of like how many people can make it and how many people can't make it, and how many people are gonna respond and ignore me, and like trying to like almost like hinging my self-worth on how many people can come and all this stuff. And I was so nervous that week, I was nauseous with I was just nauseous with just nerves. And um when the day came, everyone who said they would make it made it to the party. I would say 17 to 20 people showed up. Um there were no cancellations on the RSVP, and uh all my friends got along with one another, and it was really cool to see. It was it was um it was I don't know, I think I feel like it was a night that kind of changed my life, and um I think like um it changed my life because you know we we we can tell ourselves a story about, you know, we can tell ourselves a story about who we are or who we think we are, but sometimes um there's so much overwhelming evidence that goes against that story that you have to kind of recalibrate. And so it's really easy for me to stick to the story I've told myself, and I've done other podcasts about the stories we tell ourselves and you know all this stuff. Um and so you know, you can tell yourself that someone's just being nice, right? That's kind of one of the things that I I didn't realize I was doing um subconsciously this whole time was just like I would just um if somebody was nice to me, I'm just like, oh, why are they being so nice to me? I would either take it like suspiciously or or I was you know, I would feel like they were being condescending and dishonest. Um, but this was a Saturday night, and um everyone showed up and everyone had to find parking and everyone had to give up their Saturday night, and everyone hung out until almost midnight, I think. Um everyone got along, everyone was smiling, and I thought to myself, there's no way that everyone here is that is just being that nice to me. Like, why would they do that? Why would they do that? And I don't know, that never really um uh struck me before until that moment, and I think that really changed um the way I see myself and my friends and the world. Uh, and I think that was kind of the moment when I when it really hit me, like I really I think I'm ready. I just think I'm ready. I think doing that was harder than I don't know, career stuff, you know, just personal getting my personal life together, reaching out to people saying I need help and wanting more. That to me is more vulnerable than sharing about mm every horrible over-sharing thing I do on stage and on podcasts. So that's where I am right now in my life. Um, so wow, that was that was a lot. Um I so you know, I I last recorded this show in October, and you know, my life fell apart and all this stuff, and I can't believe I haven't updated you. I'm gonna try to remember everything since then. I would say that um the more I did stuff, the more I felt like I was capable of doing things, and the more my self-esteem went up. And I do feel like I did talk about this on some of the podcasts that I did during my kind of manic week. Um, and that kept continuing. And I remember um, you know, at the end of November I had some shows, and like I I felt like I did it all on my own, and I I was kind of upset at how much I felt like I wasn't getting any help from other people, you know. And so I just decided, you know, fuck it. And in January, I booked my own little tour. You know, I did Kansas City and I did Arizona and I did Chicago and I booked all of the shows myself. I booked all of the flights and um hotels all by myself, and I did, I got myself a credit card and just all this kind of adult stuff that I had been avoiding. And I do think, yeah, January was kind of the it was around the time where I'm like, I think I can do things on my own, you know. It's like something that I never really was forced to do. I always had somebody doing this stuff for me, you know, holding my hand and and kind of like this learned incompetence that I, you know, learned helplessness, maybe, um, weaponized incompetence, you know, all these terms. Uh, and and so when I did all this stuff, I'm like, oh, I I can do this. It's kind of interesting. And so that just became more of a it became more of a test to like to see how many things I can do with intentionality and how many things I can do um if I just set my mind to it, right? Because I was like, I'm gonna book myself a little tour and then I did it, right? And so I think in February I was trying to stay offline and off my phone more, and I was like, is I'm gonna make it my goal to just be off my phone as much as I possibly can and then just figure out what I want to do during this time. And so when I um when I was off my phone more, the first two or three days were brutal. I mean, it hurt physically to be off my phone, like it literally, I was getting um pains in my and I was getting aches, I was getting stomach aches, and I was feeling nauseous. It was like a physical um withdrawal by being off my phone more, and within a month, I went from being on my phone for like 13 hours a day to like two hours a day. It was crazy that I did that in a month, you know. I'm back up to like six or six or seven, so you know, things don't last forever, and I need to, you know, be off my phone a lot more. But that was February, and um the reason I wanted to be off my phone more was because I wanted to write a screenplay at some point in my life. And by um, if I want to write a screenplay, I realized I need to get my my um my attention span back, and so that's what I was doing for in February was use everything I can to get my attention span back, and so that started with being off my phone. I was reading a lot of books and I was watching a lot of movies. I think in like two or three months, I watched like 30 movies, and I read about 11 or 12 books, and I was just reading books and watching movies all day, and I was writing I was reading screenplay books, and I ended up writing my first screenplay um, I think at the end of March. And you know, that was just another like, oh, okay, if I put my mind to something, then I can do it, you know. And um, and uh uh I was really proud of the screenplay I wrote, and you know, it's been a few months now, and I'm realizing the screenplay I wrote wasn't very good. Uh you know, it the premise was uh good, and I think the idea was good, but the execution left something to be desired because I I you know it was my first screenplay, and I was just trying to write something that was cohesive rather than good. Uh, I need to go back and and uh rewrite it. But anyway, that's beside the point. The fact is, I wanted to do something and I did it, right? And so um the next thing was I it's like, okay, I can I can write a screenplay. So then the Netflix festival was in May, and uh there were a lot of after parties, and I was like, I want to go to all these after parties. That's my next goal. So I set this goal be good go to four or five of these after parties for the Netflix festival. And I'm like, okay, Robin, if you want to do that, you need to start learning how to socialize with people. So the thing about writing the screenplay was that it took up a lot of brain space, but I was also by myself a lot, you know. I was reading books and watching movies. Those are like singular solo activities I was doing. I wasn't watching movies with other people, I wasn't going into the library to read books, I was reading books out in the garden and um and watching movies in my little apartment. And um, it was nice, you know, but I think it it was I was also kind of escaping uh socializing. So when I realized in May I needed to start socializing, I started just like, okay, well, you can write a screenplay, you can book your own tour, so let's see if you can start socializing more. So I began um reaching out to people to socialize, you know, as practice to do these, go to these after parties. And uh the more I socialized, the more I really enjoyed it. And I remember I was um uh telling my housemate, um, Christina, like I was like, wow, you know, I'm I'm really enjoying socializing. I don't think I'm shy. She starts laughing. She's like, Robin, you are not shy. Just like um all this time I thought I was shy and an introvert, and I think maybe I'm still a little bit of an introvert, you know. I don't like to be out for too long, but um, I'm not shy once I open up, and uh, and you know, I'm more of just like I think I'm more normal. I think the word for it is ambivert, but I don't like just like a word to describe that I'm just kind of a like most people. Um I uh I like to be out, but then I like to be in, you know, it's kind of cool, right? It's kind of a nice balance. Uh and so yeah, I started socializing a lot more and I really, really uh enjoyed it, and I'm not so socially anxious really anymore. Um, it hasn't gone, it hasn't completely gone away, but there was enough evidence that people like to hang out with me. It was just a practice. I was just literally, I was just out of practice. Everything is a practice, right? Like if you're out of practice, then you just need to practice more, and eventually you'll get better at it. And socializing was just one more aspect of it, and I really did, I did um socialize a lot that week for Netflix festival. I went to a lot of after parties, and they were very nerve-wracking at first, but then I started I made new friends, you know. I um I networked a little bit, um, I didn't follow up as much as I wish I did, um, but I did it, you know. I I I went out there and I did what I set out to do. And um I guess maybe that's like one of the themes of this is um what you know, not only just wanting more, but also intentionality of just like setting a goal and intentionally going forth with that goal. And um, and and yeah, and so like it now that was like a month ago, and then you know, my birthday party happened, and then I just decided I want to get back in shape. I haven't been in shape for a really long time, and so I started just doing an exercise bike every day for about an hour, or you know, most days, or the rowing machine I would do for an hour, and then I would take a two and a half mile walk. Um, I've been doing that for about six weeks now. I am back to my high school weight now, and um I'm still very chubby, you know, like my face is round, and I just have a very round body still, but I feel lighter. I um I just feel like healthier. I feel like I have more energy now, and uh, you know, it was a goal like you get back in shape, and it's like, oh, if you can do these other things, you can do this, and so yeah, I've just been setting a lot of goals for myself and uh and uh you know achieving these goals as best as I can. So now my goal is just to make as much money as I possibly can. That would be a great thing to achieve. I feel like a lot of my problems in my life now are more relatable, um, human problems, like everyday problems that people have, which is just like I don't have enough money, you know. Like I think that's a lot of problems people have in America, right? Is like they just don't have enough money. And um, so you know, I I was like, how do I make more money? How do I make so like I've been doing a lot of stand-up coaching, which I'm very good at. Um I charge, you know, I think I charge a fair amount. Um, and I used to think I overcharged until I started looking at the services I do and realizing that I think I'm charging the fair amount. Um, some people think I should be charging even more, and that's very nice feeling. Uh and you know, I I want to get booked more on colleges. That's another goal of mine, as I want to do more colleges because they pay a lot of money. I like talking to the kids, but also like, you know, money is money is awesome, right, guys? Who's with me? Money is awesome. Um, and uh somebody suggested that I I do like a workshop for stand-up comedy. Since I've been kind of doing stand-up coaching, a lot of my coaching turns into like you know, it goes it starts off as like comedy theory and comedy structure and like how people can, you know, how to make their jokes better and everything. And then like very a lot of similar insecurities would come out with all my clients, and I told um I told the commercial agent this. I don't know if she wants me to say her name, so I'm not gonna say her name, but she said, Why don't you teach a course on how to build confidence in stand-up comedy? And I'm like, that sounds like a great idea. So I've been, you know, working on a slide deck, my first slide deck. I, you know, never made a slide deck before, and I made one about how to build confidence in stand-up comedy, and now I just need to figure out how to, you know, um arrange a course for it, you know, like a Zoom course for it, and um, and talk to people in bulk. And uh making the slide deck, I'm like, wow, I have a lot to say about this. You know, it was kind of cool to see everything um organized in one place. I have this really um this reminds me of something that Sasha said that was really funny to me, my friend Sasha is one time I was um I had this new dress and it was wrinkled, you know. And um uh, you know, she was like, We need to get an iron, you know, we need to get like an iron for your your shirt, you know, like it was one of those um water, I don't know what you call it, like a steamer, you know. And I'm like, I don't know how to steam a shirt. And she just kind of scoffs at me. She goes, Robin, you know how to do an hour of stand-up comedy? That's a lot harder than steaming a dress, right? It's just like I have this thing where I think I don't know how to do something, so I don't even try. And it's like the thing that I think is so difficult, it's just something I'm avoiding doing because I've never done it before. And uh yeah, steaming a shirt took me about five seconds to learn, but I was just something I avoided doing. So um I think I do that with a lot of things, you know. I don't know how to um, for instance, set up a site to um, you know, to to to if people can sign up for a course and to, you know, charge money through the site. I don't know how to um, you know, like link this uh thing to a PDF, right? And then but these things would take me about 15 minutes to do if I just Googled it, right? It it's so I still have some hangups that I would like to work on, like those little hang ups where I just like let these little things interfere. Like, you know, the reason I haven't done a podcast for a while is because I'm like trying to figure out the exact right microphone and the right studio and the right this or that. Um and so like last night I just I tried to, you know, work this microphone as best as I can and you know, free up space on the computer and try to find the right camera angle. And it it took me about half an hour, but I was like, okay, I don't know why I'm in such a rush to get everything done so quickly, you know, when I just can just slow down and take my time and just like learn a new skill. So um I think that's a lot of the updates that I've um that I that I've learned, you know. I I think I I think I do I think I have changed a lot. Um and it's not just I was gonna this is a very Trump thing to say, it's not just me saying it, it's it's everyone saying it. Um there's a wrestler uh named Becky Lynch, and her character, she's a heel, and she basically does like Trump. Um she always says, I'm the greatest of all time, but it's not just me saying it, it's Sports Center saying it, is ESPN saying it. It's like so annoying. But I I was kind of doing that right there. Like, I've changed a lot. It's I'm sorry for doing a trump, but it's like I'm changing a lot. It's not just me saying it, it's my friend saying it, it's my close friend saying it, is my family saying it. Uh and I I've changed um, I think for the better, and I'm still a work in progress, you know. I I think one thing I've learned since turning 40 is I've learned a lot of humility, and I've learned that I really don't know that much. I think I I think I used to think I knew everything. Um and I think that was what was keeping me stagnant, is just like I think I have the world figured out, I think I have myself figured out, because it's a way to kind of um maintain control, right? Is to think you have everything figured out because it kind of takes away um you know, it takes away the the fear of uncertainty. But if I kind of just free myself and go like you don't really don't know anything, like I know I have a lot of wisdom and everything, but there's so much that I don't know. And um, there's so much more I can do to improve and to just like look at it like that instead of being better is like this kind of destination that I'm ever gonna reach. Because I think I was at the wellness center when I was really mentally ill for years back in like like 10 years ago, and um somebody said to me, Um, it's not like you figure out who you are and then you die, you die incomplete, you die without ever really having figured it out. And at the time I was like, oh that's horrific, but now I can see that it's kind of a liberating thing. It means that you just live your life. Um, so yeah, anyway, that's what I'm doing. Um I learned something uh recently about um what was I learning about uh there was two things. One was about grief, um and how grief is not really about your emotions, it's really about recalibrating um your past reality um to match your current reality. Um and the process of that is that the process of that recalibration is what grief is. So um that means that you can grieve good things, you know. That means that if your life was one way and now it's another, you grieve because you have to like let go of a lot of who you were. And I think that is kind of the process that I'm doing is is the grief of letting go of these old identities I had, of being incapable and you know, uh helplessly introverted and lazy and all these other labels I was putting on myself um as a way to avoid um you know being a different person. I don't know if it's a different person, maybe I'm just becoming more myself, right? But it's still a new identity than the one I'm used to having. So maybe this new identity is closer to my real identity, you know, or maybe identity is just something that is always changing and it's not something that's set in stone. Sorry, I had to cough. But um, I do think that when certain people, you know, will say like people don't change, you know, and that's such a cop out. It's like um maybe in some kind of grand sense, like we are always who we are underneath all blah blah blah. But you need to if you live your life by the idea that people don't change, that means that you're not trying to be introspective and better yourself. And I think that people do change, um, and they can change for better or worse with some intentionality, right? So um that's something I learned. It was something about grief, and I also learned a lot about attachment theory during this time, and uh, you know, I think my whole algorithm now is about attachment theory and stuff, and I learned, you know, that I am a fearful avoidant, which is you know, both craving and fearing intimacy at the same time. But I think I saw a video that was really it really blew my mind, and it was about how um anxious people and avoidant people are actually like they're actually two sides of the same coin, um, because um anxious people are actually avoidant, because the reason why anxious people go after emotionally unavailable people is because they themselves are emotionally unavailable, right? So if you go after emotionally unavailable people, it means that there it's a foregone conclusion that it's not gonna end well for you. So it's like that's kind of part of the, I don't want to say appeal, but that's part of the allure to it, you know, is um is that you don't have to be completely vulnerable if this person is uh if you're going after emotionally unavailable people all the time, it's because you yourself are emotionally unavailable. Otherwise, you would go for emotionally available people. And on the other side of it, avoidant people are actually anxious because they push you away before you can push them away, which means that they have a fear of abandonment, so they abandon first, right? So to know that is like, okay, that makes a lot of sense, right? Like, I do feel like we're a little bit um obsessed with attachment theory, you know. I feel like it's become the new craze, and I I have, you know, kind of fallen um victim to that. It's fallen victim to the algorithm, and now everything on my my social media now is about avoidance style and anxious style and fearful avoidant and everything, but um I do think it's like uh the goal, uh you know, regardless of all the all these terms, is to just kind of start doing the thing you're afraid of if it's gonna make your life better. And the thing that you're avoiding is probably the thing that you need to be doing. And there is still a lot of things I'm avoiding, I'm avoiding a lot less, and I'm trying to hit face more things head-on, but uh it's not perfect. Um, and yeah, I'm gonna try to make videos every day. I'm gonna try to make um more uh podcasts more often, and I do want to do future episodes where it's a little more focused and a little bit more about, you know, like a certain topic, you know, like I do want to do a full episode about anxiety and one about identity and all this other stuff, and there are things I want to say about politics and and the world and everything, but I do know that I really missed you guys, and uh, for anyone who still listens to the podcast, I really appreciate all your support. I am doing great now. I can't share too much about my personal life. I mean, I I can, but I am and I really want to, because it involves other people, and I believe that their privacy also matters, you know. So uh until next time, I will try to do this weekly, and I think that will be maybe that's my next goal. So what what did what did we learn? What did we learn today, class? What is this podcast about? I guess this podcast was about wanting more uh identity and goal setting. Maybe that'll be the title of this episode. So, yes, until next time, I love you guys, and uh thank you so much for your support over the years. I am Robin Tran. Bye.