Tran’s Talk - Love

It’s the topic I fear the most: LOVE! Listen as I struggle not to say “what is love, baby don’t hurt me” for 40 minutes. I discuss holding containers for different emotions and take you through my mind as I try to define love in real time. 

Transcript

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Welcome to Trance Talk episode Who Knows? Um, this podcast is like one of those shows that was like syndicated in the 90s where you're like you're not really sure what time it's on or when it's gonna air. It's like I remember, I don't know if you guys remember the show Beyond Belief, Fact or Fiction. It's like if you're a fan of the show, you're never gonna see a commercial for it. You're just gonna have to cross your fingers and go, I hope it's on today. And that's what this show is. I thank you all for still listening, whoever is still there. Um, so a lot to talk about. Um, maybe not a lot to talk about, but a lot on my mind. I want to do this episode about love. Okay, this episode is about love, and I've been avoiding doing this episode for a while now because it's such an intense topic, and I think something that is on my mind a lot, and I am struggling to not say the words, what is love, because the song from Night of the Roxberry is just gonna start popping in my head, and I do not want that to happen. Um, but I do need to define what love is, and I think that I will do that as uh the show progresses, as I give my thoughts on the whole thing. I I feel like um different emotions are like um, you know, I have containers for different emotions, right? And I feel like the a lot of the containers that I have are large enough to contain certain emotions. I feel like I'm pretty in touch with my emotions. Um maybe, you know, to an unhealthy degree. I don't know if if you can be in touch with your emotions to an unhealthy degree, but maybe it is unhealthy at times when it when it overrides um logic too much. You know, I think too much of anything is a bad thing, but I am very in touch with my emotions, and different emotions have containers. And I feel like I have a container large enough to hold grief, a container large enough to hold depression, a container hold, you know, big enough to hold infatuation, which can seem like love or can be love coded based on everything that we have been shown about love on TV and movies, music and all that stuff, right? So um I don't think that I ever had a big enough container to hold love, and I'm working on that. Uh, I remember when I hurt somebody pretty badly, um, this person told me that they did not think that I knew what love was, and I remember that stinging, but I also thought this person is right because I do not know what love is, because if I loved um these, you know, if I loved as much as I said I did, then I would not have hurt and been so careless about people I claim to love. And um, I guess that you know that opens up a whole can of worms and what that even means. But I do know that if my idea of love is to be selfish and to hurt people, then I don't like that idea of love. I need to figure out what that what love even is. And um I guess we should kind of go back a little bit, and you know, I think it I think there's there's enough therapy online and all these like and all of our algorithms about uh like oh, you know, whatever happened in your childhood is gonna uh seep over into adulthood, right? It's like if you if you had a chaotic childhood, then you're gonna try to recreate that dynamic as an adult. I think enough people know that. But I do want to unpack it a little bit, just you know, it in my own personal life that I am very aware that like I was never shown um evidence of what love is. You know, whenever my parents would do something, it was always with kind of this um like uh they're so tortured by it. Like, you know, I don't I don't know what it, you know, you don't know what it was like to have you and uh I I give my whole life to feed you and clothe you and all you know, all this stuff is always like um love for them is like a burden. And um love for them is like, are you scared of me? And love for them is is cons is inconsistent. It's uh very confusing. And you know, when you are not really given uh like uh uh an example of what love is, you try to fill in the blanks yourself. And you know, I saw you know a lot of people they fill in the blanks with what I did with just media, right? And America is a very, and maybe not just America, maybe just is like this is how media is, it's like uh America doesn't have a very healthy conception of what love is. A lot of what we're shown of what love is is obsession, infatuation, limerence, all this other stuff. So of course, I I was never given an example on what love is. And so whenever I experienced something that resembled love, I would run away from it. And this is a pattern that I have seen since I was a teenager. And if you've heard some of these stories before, um I you know, I apologize. Um try not to repeat myself so much, but you know, there are just some like pivotal stories in my life that I remember, and I just remember instances of feeling loved and running away from it. And there are three moments that I remember. Um, there was one that I was at my friend's place, uh, it was during uh Christmas time, and there was a you know white elephant, and I was just surrounded by so many people who, you know, they recognized me and they saw me, and they I felt very accepted and I loved it. Was like, you know, from this other family that wasn't mine. And I remember just feeling so like if like I felt warm, you know, I felt like accepted and I felt held. Um, and that feeling scared me so much because I never experienced it before. And I felt like I and my skin, I was like my skin is crawling, and I just made up some excuse and I went home. And that was like the first time I remember like, why did I do that? Like, why did I just run away from that? And you know, the second example is there was a girl that I was it was like not even I don't know what we were, like looking back at it, it was like 2009 or 2008, 2009. And um, like I was totally like like I was totally like in love with her, I thought, you know, like whatever you would call that is, you know, like whatever feeling I had. But I, you know, we you know, we hung out like all summer, and our second time hanging out, she just watched movies with me till the sun came out. And I remember thinking, like, why doesn't this girl like me? That was like my whole thing, right? Why doesn't this girl like me? Like like clockwork. And when um when we, you know, when there was one day when I was over at her house, she invited me over to her house and she and she introduced me to her her parents and her sister and her whole family. And I had been I had been hanging out with this girl for weeks and just kind of um decoding her and decoding her words and her actions and and going back to my friends and telling them like I the what is this girl? Does this girl like me and just kind of this big mystery? And then she finally invites me into her room, and uh it was no nothing sexual or romantic, really, but she remember she invited me into her room, and you know, I just I saw her bed and I saw there was like a canvas that she was painting, and she was it was a very intimate moment, and uh yeah, I've I've probably told this story before, I've heard it. It's in that moment of reciprocity, of when I saw in this moment, wow, this girl loves me back, or whatever I'm feeling for her, is there is like this palpable feeling of um reciprocity, and I didn't know what to do with that, so I made her I made some excuse and I left. I just I I was like, I gotta go home, I gotta be up early. Uh I don't know, it was some BS, you know. I got what I finally wanted, and when I got it, it scared the shit out of me. Like I felt like unsafe. I went felt like my skin it was crawling, and um I remember before I left, she said, I miss you already. And I was like, I miss you too. And I did, you know, but I felt like it was a lot safer to be away from her and to fantasize about her rather than being with the person that is currently right in front of me. And you know, the same thing happened um with another with another person that I don't it's so weird. It's like as some people know who I'm talking about in this uh latest one, because I've you know I've talked about these stories a lot, but um when I when I fell asleep next to somebody um and uh I thought that you know I had overstayed my welcome, so I was trying to get up to leave, and and like I felt really bad that I had fallen asleep in their bed. So uh when they reached over and tried to, you know, hold me so that I didn't get up, that was I started sobbing, and I remember feeling um chosen in that moment. I felt chosen, and that scared me so much. And I did also in this instance, I did leave, but I did um just finally say the words out loud. I think I'm too happy right now and I can't be here. Um, and I think in that moment I was so scared of I was just crying so much, but I didn't know why I was crying, I couldn't put my finger on it. I just knew that it was this too intense of a moment and something I never felt before. And uh yeah, and I left and I remember thinking like fuck, I shouldn't why did I leave, you know? Like, why did I do that? And it it's like and you know, I've been un you know, unpacking these things for a long time and uh and starting to kind of it's starting to make sense now. No, the more that I live and the more uh stuff I've gone through, the more things I've put people through, is um I always felt like love was like I had this container for love and it just couldn't hold it. Like it was too small of a container because I'd never had any real practice holding it before. And so the love would spill out, and I and I wouldn't know what to do with this, you know, it was everything was spilling out. So I would go to like I would put it in other these feelings into other containers that it didn't know what to do with. You know, I I'm very good at grief. I'm very unfortunately like when a lot of close people in your life die, you're you get very good at uh grief, and I have a very good grief container. Um, thank you, mom and my best friend for the container. I'm so sorry that for the container of grief. Um and you know, very good at the container for depression. Oh, thank you, mom, once again, for that, for the good chemical imbalance in my brain. Uh so I know how to do these things, right? And I also I know how to do infatuation. And it feels like infatuation looks on the surface, it's hard, right? Because it's the feeling is agony and everything. And there is this kind of uh contradiction that it's hard, but it's easier. And I do remember thinking, like, you know, like not really having the words to describe um these feelings when I was like in college, and I just realized like um like feeling depression is a hard feeling, but it's easy for me to feel because I'm just used to it. And uh, you know, it's that familiarity that you're used to. Like you can, like whatever a negative feeling is like if negativity is your baseline and it's your your you know the thing that you're consistently feeling, it's not difficult, even if it's a hard emotion, to keep feeling this way. So I you know, the containers of of that is it's like, oh, I'm good at holding these feelings, um, but not love. And I I was like, what it what is love? Baby don't hurt that. See, now I'm doing it again. Um, so yeah, and so you know, I've I've kind of known these things logically for a long time, but like the more that I work on myself and the more that I learned from myself and making a real conscious effort to break patterns. I think that's where this kind of all began. Was um, I would probably say it was like nine or ten months ago when I I had I started seeing the pattern, you know, I've just seeing the same pattern that I had exhibited my whole adult, adolescent life, everything, right? Like this pattern of of um of trying to find some kind of uh fantasy to be obsessed about and to decode it, like decode a mystery that had no solution to it. Um to just give my mind something to play with and distract myself with. And I I just remember thinking one day, like, I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of the same pattern over and over again, and I'm so sick of making excuses for myself. And there are so many excuses that are valid, but I just kept using them over and over again. Just because something is valid doesn't mean it it, you know, it's like an excuse, right? Um, so I was just like, God, I I need to make a conscious effort to stop indulging in these old patterns. Like, I need to stop obsessing over um people who don't really not that it they don't matter, but like the image of who I'm obsessed with doesn't even exist. Like I just created this person in my brain um to obsess over because I was scared of whatever. Um scared of love. But you know, also I'm just afraid of of growing up. I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of you know making a real effort to make money and make something of my career and also to grow and to be healthy. Like these things are a nightmare. I don't have containers for a lot of these things. I don't have a container for like a lot of containers for like ambition. I'm still dealing with that. That was an old episode about ambition. Um, like ambition is a weird thing to feel. It's like a weird kind of like this kind of um gnawing at me, right? This like I want more, but I don't know how to get there. And um, you know, and I started like being really good at dealing with ambition. Like, okay, I have ambition now. It feels good to have to have wants and to have needs and to expect more out of life, which is what my last episode was about. But even more recently, I started feeling uh that I now have the capability to to go for these dreams, and that's a whole other nightmare. Like to just now I I don't have an excuse to not go for it, right? So I I don't have like this built-in excuse of like learn helplessness and all this stuff. Um to be able to have the capacity, that's the word I'm looking for, to have the capacity to live up to this ambition, which is another container that I'm trying to hold. And um, and so the more I do this, the more I'm I try and I keep trying um to be a better person and to be better than I was yesterday, the more I have to build more containers for certain emotions, and that's where love comes in. And so the more that I work on myself and the more that I um I kind of build these tolerances for for discomfort, like to feel the the weight of boredom, I would say. One of the hardest things is to deal with it feels like boredom when things are normal and things are good and things are stable. It feels boring, and it this boring feeling of restlessness, it just starts making my skin crawl. Like I feel loved and seen and heard and held. And uh, it's like when that becomes more of a default feeling, and this default feeling is like this thing that you've been running away from. Ah, you want to do something to blow it all up, right? You want to do something, like I need to run away. It just feels unsafe. I mean, you need to do something, I need to indulge in uh some of my old vices or whatever to go backwards. But now I have the memory of what it's like to blow it all up, and I know what it looks like, and I know how it feels, and I know what it does to other people, so it's just not an option anymore. And and that um that feeling of this in-between feeling of like I'm not where I want to be yet, um, but I'm not the person I was before, and I'm in this in-between limbo and this this level of you know, this this kind of um uh this area of uncertainty is so it gives me so much anxiety, you know, because I think uncertainty is always giving me an anxiety, like I'm gonna like a control freak, like a lot of people are. Like I want to know what to do and how to feel and you know what to do next. And I don't know what's gonna happen next. I really don't know how to do this part of life. I really don't know what it's like to have ambition and to really go for it and to risk real rejection. That's another thing too, is that it's easy to have infatuations and all this other stuff because you don't really have to risk real rejection if you are um putting yourself in a position where you're going to be rejected by something that's not real and something that you created, it feels like this is if it was like this abstract rejection feeling, and it's like I know what that feels like, and that feels shitty, but I'm this is also a familiar feeling. But like, do I know the horrifying um do I know the horrifying feeling of rejection for something I really wanted and really went for and really made an effort to go for? Like if if I um you know, I I just made a video like um promoting my stand-up coaching services, and that was a really vulnerable video to make. Like, uh, because what if people don't go for it? Like that that to me is horrifying. It's to try and to fail, like to actually try, to put myself out there and go, this is me trying, and this is me wanting to be an adult, and this is me, you know, wanting to be better and everything. And then if people reject that, it's a lot harder than being rejected by something you created in your own mind. And so I think all this goes hand in hand to um the topic of love that I'm talking about is is the fear of real rejection from from a real person and seeing from them seeing who you really are, and uh so you know it's it's very it makes a lot of sense to run away from that, to to not go for what you actually want because the fear of rejection is so strong, and the fear of uncertainty is so anxiety-inducing. But um, you know, so I'm kind of going through that in-between period right now. Like, um, I have a lot of distractions, you know. I'm kind of doing um, I've been running a lot, if you can believe that. I've been listening to Olivia Rodrigo's new album, and I just like love it, and it's made me run outside and I'm jogging again, and it feels great. Uh, I feel great, I'm exercising again, I'm getting my body healthy. But at some point I'm like, this has become another addiction and another distraction. And it's a good, it's trust me, this is way better than being addicted to pot or to you know be a gambling addict or something. But it's still like um, it's still become this obsession of mine. Like if the more I jog and exercise, the more I'm like, I don't have to think about like what's bothering me. I don't have to think about what's making me really anxious. I don't have to think about myself really as much. You know, I I don't have to think about um what's next and how to make money and how you know whatever um you know like whatever is worrying me so much is like if I'm running, then I can at least tell myself, well, I'm being healthy, so I can't really do so and so and whatever I'm avoiding, right? Like so I I do find myself doing that. Like I've been avoiding doing this podcast for like a week or so now because uh I just have so many so many thoughts on it, and I'm not really sure if uh they're all ready, you know? Like I'm not sure if I know exactly what love what love is, baby. Don't hurt me. So sorry. Um uh and so anyway, um as I'm as I'm trying to make myself feel more pure, clean feelings, I think it's like like the clean feeling of grief, right? It's like this thing happened, therefore I feel grief. Like that is a clean feeling. Like a a messy feeling is more like um I feel grief, but this person was not great to me, and then there it was a messy relationship, and the loss is ambiguous. That's not a clean feeling, you know. So I think what I'm I'm experiencing recently is I'm building a tolerance for like a clean kind of love. And um, you know, I'm just gonna use my um pet for an example. I have a pet, guinea pig, for those of you who don't know. Um, his name is Harvey. He is the cutest little thing, and um I'm sorry, love makes me cough. Um so like I I you know, he you know, he's old, so he gets sick a lot. And I um I feel like embarrassed about how much I love this little rodent, you know, like it feels embarrassing to me to for me to tell somebody like I'm having a hard day because my guinea pig is sick. It's like it's like if it's not a dog or a cat, people are like, okay, weirdo, um, only my animal matters, you know. So I um I didn't realize how much I loved Harvey until about a month or so ago. Uh something was happening. Happening around 11 30 p.m. or midnight. And I was so tired, but uh I needed to take him to the vet right, like a 24-7 emergency vet right away. And I put him into his little carry, you know, I carried him in his little traveling band, I don't even know what to call it, you know, the the the thing to carry guinea pigs in um animal carrier, pet carrier. And I took him to the vet at like midnight and just waited for him to get checked up on and get meds and everything. And I think I was out till like two in the morning, and it wasn't until that moment when I realized like, wow, I really love this little guy because um my desire for him to feel better overrode any kind of like I need to go to sleep and I need to like take care of myself or whatever. And it was you know, and it was a burden, you know, but it was like a burden that I was happy to um to not feel, but you know, like it was like a burden that I was I was okay with. Like it wasn't it was like a burden without resentment. I think that was kind of it kind of clicked something in my brain, is this little moment with my guinea pig is um that I don't think love is just a feeling. I think love is an is like an action, it's like a it's an ongoing thing that is like a living, breathing thing that you need to cultivate. Um because and I, you know, I think people are gonna get you know like a lot of semantics here and they're gonna get pedantic of what love is and and all that stuff. But like I guess it's yeah, I'll just say that for me what love is um is is uh it's an action, it's an um and an it's not just an emotion because I feel like um emotions are easy for me. Like emotions are easy to feel. I can feel love for somebody or what I think is love, but um I don't know if I consider it love um or maybe it's a different word, like unless I um I unless I do something and like where I go through and I show that love, not just like I feel this thing so strongly, therefore it must mean something you know in and of itself. And I don't know. I'm and the older I get, the more it's like, yeah, talk is cheap. Like uh it's easy to say anything. That's something that I think uh something that I avoided thinking my whole life because I'm so good at talking, like I'm so good at it. So I think I want that to mean so much. Like if I say the right words, I can do anything I want. And that is called manipulation, by the way, emotional manipulation, and it's something that I think I'm just very good at. Unfortunately, it's something that's how I was taught to communicate. Um, you know, I was taught to communicate via guilt trips and manipulation to get what I want, to be passive, aggressive, and all this stuff. So it's just like ingrained in me that this is how I communicate. And it's like when I'm being manipulative, I don't know if I'm doing it on purpose or on accident. That's how like ingrained in me it is, right? To say, to just know the right thing to say to get out of stuff. So I've had to just kind of tell people in my life, like, hey, if you feel like I'm being manipulative, you you please let me know. Because I literally don't know when I'm doing it. Like, uh there was an episode of Killing Eve, I think, like, and they were asking um the villain, villain, I forgot her name, but you know, like the uh Eve's love interest. Um, she was asked if she was lying or not, and she said she didn't know. It's like, how do you not know if you're lying? And I thought that was such a a profound moment of somebody's psyche, and I feel like I'm similar with manipulation. Like, am I being manipulative or not? But that's kind of when I realized like talk is cheap, and that's what a politician is. I'd be a great politician, I would be very good at just saying what I think the people want to hear. You know, it's like a people-pleasing uh survival tactic. But what is love? Sorry, see, whenever I say what is love, I want to sing that fucking song I'm Night at the Roxberry. But um, but it what it what is that? Like the ability to say something, you know, is I'm not saying that words are just completely meaningless. I think sometimes it's important to say the words, right? It's important to say I love you and I cherish you and all this stuff. But without action, I know I think action without words is just better than the words without action. That is something that is changed in me just because I'm kind of trying to trying to um walk away from the stories of what love is and just kind of um live in the action of what love is. So this is what I think is that love is more, it's a presence and it's a um it's a devotion. It's it's the ability to look outside of yourself and do something for somebody else and not expecting anything in return and not having resentment about it, and you're doing it just because it makes you it, it's not even it makes you happy that they're happy. That's part of it. Um this is something I never thought I would feel until recently. It's like you just do something because you love somebody, and it's not, and you know, you feeling good about it is like an unintended consequence of that. It's not even about you. I think this is how people feel when they have children, right? Like it's no longer about you, it's about my child. Um, not my parents, not a lot of not a lot of bad parents out there, but um the ideal feeling when you have your uh a kid is that you you will do anything for this child, it's no longer about you. And there was an episode of Friends I I think about sometimes where it's like Joey and Phoebe are trying to figure out if like true altruism exists, you know? And I remember thinking that that was a really interesting episode. And I was like, I guess real altruism doesn't exist if you feel good about um making someone else feel good. I think that was kind of the the argument that um Joey was making to Phoebe is that it's everything, every action is purely selfish. And I think I I would have bought into that until pretty recently, and I don't think that's true anymore. I think that you just need to get to a place where your container for love is is big enough where you can hold it. And I think that's been my goal, and I think I'm getting, I'm not there yet. Um, but I think it's like this love, love is this discomfort, it's the presence, and it's like it's it's like what do you do with that? I actually Google uh Googled once, like, I think I'm loved. What do I do? I was like lost, and it was like the Google was like, you don't have to do anything, you just need to stay there. And that was like, oh god, anything but that, right? Like I just need to stay in this feeling of discomfort. And yeah, that's what that's what love is to me now, is like, can you look outside of yourself and can you be present with somebody when it things are hard? Uh, and can you just like just be there and be you know be devoted? And uh I think this is scary for a lot of people, you know, includ you know, including myself. Like, I I always thought like, well, isn't that just self-abandonment? And isn't that just like I'm I'm not thinking of myself anymore? And I think, yeah, there is a fine line for sure. But I think it's like when you really love somebody, it doesn't feel like self-abandonment because you're not abandoning yourself, you're just doing things for somebody because you love them. You're not running away from yourself. You're not like I'm not like doing things for others that I love despite my own health and despite my own growth, right? It's like my growth goes hand in hand with that. Like it's it's two things that are growing in parallel to one another. Uh and like the more I grow and the more I don't self-abandon, the more I can love in a real way, in a real way that's present and not just um not just like nice words and cool feelings and like a good story. Uh and um yeah, I I think it's like for the longest time as I was so afraid of like the feeling of love being so overflowing that it flows out and then it goes everywhere. And when that happens, I don't know what to do, and I'll just start crying. Uh, and I think that's a feeling that I've been really scared about is like I'm I cry a lot. Like I cry so much uh to an embarrassing degree, I would say. But um when I'm crying because I love my guinea pig so much, it feels more embarrassing for some reason. And I'm trying not to be so embarrassed by it. It's like this I don't know how to hold that really yet. Like I know how to cry when things are sad, but crying because you're joyful and you're and you're appreciative and you're and you're love and you're devoted is such a strong feeling. And it's like, what if I feel that so strongly that I I won't be able to stop crying and I won't be able to stop feeling this this giant discomfort and like um and what goes along with that love, right, is now you're afraid that they'll die. You're afraid that you'll lose them, you're you're afraid you'll do something wrong, you'll you're afraid that you won't be able to live up to what you you need to be for this person or this animal or this pet or whatever, right? Maybe you can't live up to it, and all the fears come out, and that's what real love does is it triggers a lot. Uh, and uh can you sit with these triggers? And can you differentiate what a trigger is because somebody wronged you and versus a trigger because you love just triggers people, and that's not the fault of the person in front of you or whatever. Like it's not hard, it's not my guinea pig's fault, you know, like that I that I got triggered because of the of loss and fear, you know. It's like, how dare you, you fucking guinea pig? You triggered me, so therefore it's you're like that. I'm not gonna take care of you anymore. Uh it's ridiculous. When you break it down, it's pretty ridiculous, right? Uh and and I yeah, I think it's like it's it's okay to feel triggered. Like it's okay. Uh I mean that's an unpopular thing to say nowadays, right? It's almost like um like self-protection has become such a thing. Uh, and I think it makes sense, right? Like, I think like it's like an overcorrection from like no therapy, boomers, you know, and all this stuff, and like um, you know, like being just mistreated and treated like shit. So, like, of course, people are gonna go, like, well, I'm gonna learn more self-protection and and all that stuff, but like, you know, it that can go too far into a category where it becomes you're just abandoning other people, or like you're running away at the first sign of trouble, or you're uh yeah, you you feel like because you're a trigger, this thing needs to end immediately, uh, and not just recognizing that a trigger uh can be it will run out and it can be examined and to see what this trigger really is. And if the trigger is caused by abuse or whatever, you can make that decision, but you know, you should wait till the tri where your um the trigger feeling runs out, and then you can analyze it there in a more fair way, and not just like in a uh way that you need to just run at the first sign, right? So um I just think all those all those feelings are okay, is the the hardest thing you can do sometimes is just to sit there and to feel that discomfort and to build a uh distress tolerance for it. I do just remember certain moments when I realize that I love like, and this is not even a romantic love, like when I realize like, oh my god, I like love this friend, you know, like I like I can't like I I don't think I can live without this friend, like, and I just realize that I love this friend or whatever, that I get scared. And I I know I realized something recently, and I think this is probably common, and a lot of people feel this way, but it's like it's it's easier for me to say like I love you to like someone I don't really know and like almost like a stranger, you know, than it is to say I love you to somebody that I love. Like that it's almost like it's too real, and uh, and I just realize like, oh, it's so backwards, right? It's like so like it's easier for me to be seen by people who don't know me really, and to um, I don't know, put up this not facade, but you know, like it it's kind of like a mask, and it's just it's the the risk of rejection is so much smaller because you're being rejected by someone that you don't really know. Um, and so I'm trying to do this thing more often now where if I do feel distress or if I feel like any kind of um I don't know, loneliness or whatever bad feeling, I will text friends that I trust instead of um seeking out new forms of validation or novelty or whatever else, or or seek out um vices or addictions or validation or what have you. Uh and that is a practice, and uh I'm going through that right now. Uh it's yeah, it's tough. You know, container of love, huh? Isn't that a beautiful sentiment for a podcast? I hope that my voice is loud enough. I think I'm kind of like whispering a little bit. Um uh because I don't know. It's if it was weird to loudly talk about love, I don't know. Uh right now I'm experiencing uh it's funny when people ask me how I'm doing, like objectively, I'm probably doing mentally and physically better than I have been in my entire life, you know, except maybe physically. I was like a little healthier in like 2010 when I was jogging a lot, but I started jogging outside, you know, and I'm working out a lot and I'm eating healthy and I'm staying out of trouble and I'm being present and I'm surrounding myself with people I, you know, I love and they love me back and all this stuff, but it doesn't mean that it feels good all the time, it is very uncomfortable. I am filled with discomfort and anxiety because I have to recalibrate um the entire way that I see myself in my whole life. And I think that is a a process that's that's not like you can just flip a switch and it's it's done. It's like a slow process that takes a lot of practice and devotion to um I don't know, to get through it or whatever. It's like and it's like it's not like I can complain about this, and people go, like, how are you doing? And I'm like, things are going so well, and I don't know, I don't know what to do. It's like okay, sorry. You know, like it's like complaining that you have too much money or something. So I am aware that um the issues I'm dealing with are like I would say maybe they're good problems to have. Um, but I also feel like it's um dishonest to just kind of put forth a clean, like, I'm doing so well and things are amazing, you know. Like, I I think there is a like I as somebody who's kind of uh like an idealistic person, I feel like my idealism is also mixed with um realism and an acknowledgement that things are pretty fucked up, right? So I don't I don't feel like I have toxic posity because I feel like toxic positivity would be me coming out here and saying that things are so great and things are amazing and I'm so happy and things are gonna be great forever. That is a very dishonest thing to say. Um, and if you know, if you're like me, and I think a lot of my fans um are mentally similar to me, it's like uh you hear that somebody is happy and you're you're and all this stuff, and it's like, what's the catch? And I think the catch for me is that it doesn't feel great to for things to be good if you're used to things being bad. Um, but as far as catches go, that's not very bad. I think if I objectively look at my life now versus like one year ago, I'm just doing so much better in every single way imaginable. And um just because I miss parts of chaos sometimes because I feel so uncomfortable in this new reality does not mean that I actually want to go back and live that life. It just means that I need to keep staying present, and um and I think that's all I have to say about love. And um that sounded like a really weird, like um like a dramatic, like very dramatic ending. I did not like that at all that I said that. That's all I have to say about love. How fucking cringe. Uh I'm just kidding, guys. Uh I think love is fucking stupid. And uh ha ha you listened all this way, you loser. I don't love anyone but myself, you pieces of shit. This is my fearful avoidant attachment style coming out is to me to angrily chastise you for daring to support me. Can you believe that? I did that, I've done that on stage, by the way, like where uh a crowd would be very supportive and clap and go, uh or whatever, and I will like get mad and I will just like lash out at them. How dare you love me, you pieces of shit. Fuck you for making me feel uh triggered for one one-tenth of a second. Um anyway, that is my time. Another oh god, I hate signing off on these things. Um, I guess here's some plugs. I'm gonna be in Baltimore on September 4th and 5th. And uh yeah, you know, just follow me on Instagram, Robin Tran04, go to my website, robin trans.com, and stay tuned for more trans talk episodes. You know, subscribe to my YouTube channel and um you know, Spotify, Apple Music, all these other places, and look up Trans Talk, Trans when an apostrophe s. Robin Trans. That's my last name, Trans Talk, and it has been a pleasure to talk to you guys. I love you and have a great day.