The Illusion of Control in Leading Change: Insights for Construction Leadership

Mini Series Part 2:

Control feels like safety—but in change, it’s often an illusion.

In this episode of Activating Curiosity™, Ryan Ware explores how construction leadership and change management in the AEC industry are shaped by our relationship with control—and why holding onto it can limit our ability to lead effectively.

This conversation reframes a common belief: that more control leads to better outcomes. Instead, Ryan highlights that control often masks fear—especially when change is imposed—and that true influence comes from how leaders choose to show up. 

Through the Five C’s of Change—Choice, Control, Clarity, Commitment, and Curiosity—this episode focuses on how releasing control creates space for trust, communication, and better decision-making.

From psychological safety to presence and empathy, this episode explores how leaders can move beyond fear-based reactions and build stronger, more adaptive teams.

This isn’t about controlling change—it’s about how you respond to it.

What you’ll learn:

•  Why control is often an illusion during change 
•  How fear drives resistance and limits influence 
•  The role of psychological safety in effective leadership 
•  Why presence builds trust and stabilizes teams 
•  How letting go of control increases your impact 

Who this is for:
Construction leaders, project managers, and AEC professionals navigating change, leadership development, and team dynamics.

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Control and Change
05:12 The Illusion of Control
10:24 Psychological Safety in Leadership
15:03 The Power of Choice
20:45 Letting Go to Gain Influence
25:30 Building Trust Through Presence
28:38 Embracing Change with Clarity

Overcast Innovations
Helping project teams coordinate building systems earlier for more predictable outcomes.

New Lyfe Accounting
Free Diagnostic ($500 value) for Activating Curiosity Listeners by NLA, to help your financial goals

Connective Consulting Group
Helping construction leaders simplify change, strengthen trust, and move forward with clarity.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Ryan Ware 0:58

We as humans, we believe that the pain of loss is twice as much of what can be gained. And when our own minds will go to that area, like, hey, whatever that gain is, we get the pleasure, the reward, the thing at the other side, like, hey, the option of this change, it could result in pain. So therefore, it's valued twice as much. So therefore, I need to hold on to this control that I have. I need to ensure that I am 100% in control because I only trust myself. And I mentioned in the last bonus episode that we were going to focus on our relationship with change and how we could build a stronger relationship with it. And that would mean that we needed to break change down into components. And in the last episode titled Choice, the Jekyll and Hyde of Change, we began exploring our relationship around choice. And that was in two areas. First choice, where you as an individual get to decide if you want to make a change in your life, you get to make that choice. And it maybe only impacts yourself or can impact others, depending on how big the change is. But the same thing for leaders within businesses, organizations, nations, whatever level of leadership that they find themselves in, they more often than not get to make that first choice. And the rest of society and the rest of the teams and the rest of those within businesses, they live in second choice. And by that second choice, that means how am I going to show up? Will I be a willing participant? Is this a change that I even want to partake in? Once you get this understanding of your relationship with choice and how you feel and react, and you come into the self-awareness, you get to move to that next stage. And that is trying to understand your relationship with control as it relates to change. And control, well, it's an illusionist. It's going to play tricks on your mind. It makes you believe something to be true that isn't always true. Because I've heard many times those out in the industry or even in relationships and personal life, well, I would make that change if I was 100% in control. And I gotta wonder what makes us as individuals believe that even if we're in this second choice, what makes us qualified? And why do we believe so much more in ourselves that we have 100% control over the situation that I would make that leap? When you sit into second choice and an, you know, an employer, a business, a leader, they're they're choosing. It's a merger and acquisition, new stuff, you know, it could be new technology, uh a new process, whatever it is that that business is heading to. Like the first choice is already made. And now you're in that second choice and you're going to resist it. So your choice is well, I didn't get to make it. I no one came to me, no one consulted. So my choice is I'm going to resist. I'm going to control this area that I now own. Because we see, we see a lot of times in change that by holding on to control, it's something that we own. It's it's personal. And this change is going to impact me. So therefore, if I can hold on to it stronger in that grip, then I get to protect it because I have some fear of what's about to happen. When it comes to control, we can often feel like change is this thing that is a threat to who we are. Like whatever the change is that's going to happen within the system, because we didn't make first choice. We, for some of us as individuals, we may say, hey, I feel like it's going to make me irrelevant. It may be another area where someone said, Hey, this is going to impact me greater than someone else. And I'm going to lose something that I was part of before. And that is it's a threat. It's human. It's it's part of our complexity in our minds and how we we think about things. The author of Think Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman, he talks about how we as humans believe that the pain of loss is twice as much of what can be gained. And when our own minds will go to that area, like, hey, that whatever that gain is we get, the pleasure, the reward, the thing at the other side, like, hey, the option of this change, it could result in pain. So therefore, it's valued twice as much. So therefore, I need to I need to hold on to this control that I have. I need to ensure that I am 100% in control because I only trust myself. And in that situation, we're, again, as humans, it's a threat. Something's being taken away from us, something I value more than what I believe this change can bring. And on the other side of control is that we we look at it like, hey, I didn't make first choice, so therefore, someone is trying to control me. And we do not like to be controlled. But I have to ask you this question. If you don't like being controlled, and you think, hey, I would do this change if I was 100% in control, what's happening to that person on the other side who doesn't want to be controlled either? So we have an opportunity as individuals to pause for a moment and start to understand how we think about control as it relates to our own changes we want to make personally, and as we think about change and our relationship with control for things that are happening within our businesses when we didn't make first choice. Because if we think control promises comfort, if comfort is everything that I want, you're always going to be stuck because there is never going to be any situation in your life where you can be 100% in control. And in our businesses, if you are a leader and driving the change, what most people want and what they're looking for from a leadership level is psychological safety. Because without the psychological safety, everyone's going to cling to control. They see the fear. That loss of identity, loss of everything, that effort that they put into something, it is twice as much as any reward that they can get by the change that you want to see happen. And that makes it personal. That makes it human. You know, something we hear a lot from some leaders or executives within companies is hey, control what you can control. And I feel that that is a disservice to what you actually want it to be. Because in a lot of cases, when someone hears control what you can control, it sounds like they're telling you to stop whining. It's telling you to stop overvaluing things that you are without giving you any true human answer to it. And that is why we need to dig into our feelings around control and why it's so important to understand how those feelings drive our actions. And the reason that we have to understand this is that in this industry, in most cases, there's very limited opportunities for most of us to have first choice. Most of our area within any change is going to fall into second choice. And we can sit and we can feel like, hey, I didn't choose this, I didn't want it, I definitely didn't ask for it. But if current state of where you are in your career within your team or how a project's going, or how the industry is evolving, if you don't get involved, if you don't look at it from a standpoint of, yeah, I know I didn't make first choice, and see the value of that second choice, you have to ask yourself Am I really choosing to stay here in this current state? You see, in the second choice area, how we respond, that is our real power. But that's where most individuals and most leaders, that's where we give up power. Because we don't see the opportunity during the change. We don't see that even though we're sitting in this area of second choice where someone else has made the first choice of the change, we don't understand that by holding on to control, our ability to influence shrinks. And that if you are able to let go of that control, then your influence expands. And that is something Stephen Covey has discussed in many of his books. That you can influence more by releasing the control that you think you want, and that you think if you had 100% of it, it would be better than anyone else leading the church. In this area of control, you can think about how you communicate. You can think about the type of leader that you want to be through it. And a leader isn't a title. So even if you're in second choice, you still have the opportunity to lead and influence. You have an opportunity to help prepare the team. You can look at how you're going to adapt and respond. So it's really about how you're going to show up, how you want to participate in that change. And that is where true leadership actually begins. Let's step back and talk about this illusion again of control. Because I think we do, as humans, overvalue it. And if we were to think about control being it's almost like we're building up a brick wall around us. It is an area that protects us. We see it as the higher you build, the more enclosed that you can make it to grip harder onto what you have, that you're going to protect it with everything within you. Then as you get into any sort of change and advancement, you lose perspective. You lose the space for creativity. You lose connection, not only to your to others, but also to yourself. Because you've led yourself to believe that it is better for you to hold on tight than to find an area where you could give greater feedback, you could be of more support. We think that us as individuals being more in control is leadership. And it's just a disguise. It's not real. It's not valid. I've heard over and over again in my career. Well, it's just easier if I do it myself. Well, I hope you like doing it, because more than likely you'll just keep doing it yourself. What is it about you doing it that makes it easier? Is it you're not ready to train someone? You were too busy to go mentor or to go show someone how to do something. And yeah, they may not pick it up exactly the same way you did. But that's control. You're disguising it. You're disguising leadership into this walled off system of control. That you aren't going to delegate or help someone else learn something in order to be easier so that you're not doing it the rest of your career. And for some people, that that that might be again this area of identity loss. And I recognize that that that can be this thing that I've spent so much time on building. I put every effort into it, and they will forget about me if it's gone. And that can feel so real. As I said before, it it is personal. Change can feel very personal even if you didn't make the first choice. But you can't see control as the lever that you're pulling to give you back the value that you want. Because that is where you are allowing fear to be a dressed-up illusion of control. And you probably don't even have the control that you think you have in those situations. But if we want to be leaders driving that change, if we did make first choice and we want to help all of those who are sitting in second choice area, then we can work with them on creating that psychological safety. But if we allow it to drop, if we allow everyone to live into this area of fear and where they're all controlling their little zones or in belief of what they're controlling in those zones, then everyone stops learning. Everyone will stop experimenting, the questions stop, the feedback stops, people stop reaching out. And that's something that Amy Edmondson has talked about in many of her articles and books is that you want psychological safety, well, then you got to ensure that all of those things are happening. Because that is actually where real safety comes in. That is where stability can happen. That area of psychological safety is where the root ones allowing themselves to release the grip, allowing themselves to understand that the control that they do have is 100% on how they show up, and 100% on the things that are going to happen during the change, not holding on to what they've always had. That is an illusion. So the area that actually is about making sure that we're stable and that everything is steady is it it is about showing up. It's about being present in that change. It's about seeing that control really is you understanding that you don't have to have all the answers, that perfection is not the bar. And that you will never be 100% certain of anything. When you are 100% present in that situation, even in the shakiest of times, you have more control than you ever would by holding on to other things in the past and resisting the change and not speaking up and removing your voice. Great leaders are present during the change. And in most change than companies, leaders who disappear and don't have presence and try to rush through it when everyone is holding on to the control, that's those areas when the change initiatives do not work. They fail to meet their goals. And a leader who is present and shows presence with their team and their divisions and even individuals who are part of the change when you are 100% present, everyone's able to keep calm. You are able to drive more influence because you're being intentional about focusing your energy and all of your efforts, you're aligning your communication and you're providing people with more emotional steadiness. That area of, hey, I feel like I'm losing something. You recognize that. You have conversations about it. You get your team to understand, like, hey, we're human. This change isn't going to be easy. But if we tighten our grip, we'll probably be micromanaging things. That we won't let go of stuff, that it probably isn't going to work. And that's why we end up in change fatigue. If we recognize that control is an illusion as a team, then we'll actually see safety in something else. If we name the fear that we're having, if we have the psychological safety to be able to talk through it and say, here's what I fear, then we'll be in our highest level of presence. It'll allow us to release the grip. And by doing all of those things, by choosing presence over everything else as a leader and as an individual going through the chain, you will only enhance and strengthen trust in one another. Going back to why you thought, hey, it's just easier if I do it myself, or I would do it if I had 100% control. You trusted yourself over everyone else. But when you go through this as a team, being present with one another and listening and talking, you are building trust. You are understanding how you feel about control, and you're understanding how they feel about control. And that is where you start to redefine control as being present. You're more in control in that area than you ever were, based off of maybe past beliefs of what control actually meant to you and how your relationship with control was defined. Because real control is about understanding how to respond. So when you're talking about your fears out loud, when you understand your behaviors, when you realize that your voice is important for influencing, and that that is more control than you ever had, when you're able to communicate clearly and assess where your energy is going, that is where you are becoming a leader. That is where real change and real impact can happen. I've said it several times that in the architectural and engineering and construction industry, more often than not, we are going to be in second choice. There are very few individuals in this eight to 10 million that work within the construction industry that are going to have first choice every single time. So it when you are into second choice, you still get to own 100% of how you show up in that second choice. You still get to own 100% of your communication, and you stop trying to control those things that are unimportant, unaligned, and you really start to influence those things that actually matter. So control can feel like pain. It can feel like you're losing something. It can feel like you need to tighten that grip because you're in an area of low psychological safety. And we need to remember that we actually can influence things at a higher level when we are present, when we are focused, when we're intentional about where we're going to give our attention, that our attention goes to those things that are important to us during the change that we would like to participate in. Because control as safety is only an illusion. So take a step back and understand your relationship with change. Question yourself. Why am I feeling this way in this moment? But what is it about this change that is making me feel like I'm going to lose something? Is that a real feeling? What is it that I'm losing? What was the value of it? Is it valid in this current situation? Do I need to tighten my grip or is that just an allusion to the reality? What can I do if I focus my attention and being present on influencing this change? So that is the second component that we needed to focus on as it relates to strengthening our relationship with change. We've talked about choice and the couple areas that that exists. And we've talked about what control might mean. And it could mean something different to you. And that's okay. But I want you to take that step back and analyze it and figure it out for yourself. But when you think about that for yourself, you have to think that there's in most cases with change inside of businesses, you're not alone. So you have to understand the empathy that is going to be required from you, even if you are someone who feels impact to that first choice. That there are others probably feeling something very similar to you. And that it's okay to name it. It's okay to talk through it. Because once you have strengthened your relationship in those first two areas, it takes you to the third component of change. And that is really where the fear starts to boil up. And that is called clarity. Because, like control, a lot of us don't want to take on change until there's 100% clarity. And well, 100% clarity is like a Sasquatch. You think it exists, but you've never seen it. So how do you go through change when you will not have 100% clarity? So, in order to strengthen our overall relationship with change, we're going to focus on clarity in the next episode. I hope that you are able to begin to look at each of these components we've discussed thus far, choice and control, and that you start to analyze how you feel as it relates to those areas within change, so that you're always recognizing them as they come up, and that you give yourself that time and you give yourself that space and you give yourself that empathy, as well as you giving it to others around you so that you are leading the change that you want to. Until next time, I hope you stay well and I hope you continue activating curiosity within yourself and with the