Beyond Saint Podcast
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Beyond Saint Podcast
From Trauma to Triumph: Marcus Nesbitt's Powerful Life Story
In this deeply moving episode, Marcus Nesbitt shares his journey from a challenging beginning to becoming a beacon of hope. Conceived by rape and adopted at a young age, Marcus opens up about his complex relationship with his biological mother, the struggles of growing up feeling alone, and overcoming the impact of hopelessness in his community. Through candid conversation, he reflects on faith, forgiveness, and resilience, offering insight into the struggles behind his success and the power of life amidst adversity. This story inspires listeners to find strength in their own trials and highlights the importance of compassion in difficult circumstances.
You know what Rich Ratchet is? It's Ira. Ira would have a half a drink, and Ira would be ready to rock and roll with anybody. She didn't give a damn if you were Suge Knight, Ice-T. And these people were scared of Ira. Like, this is the toughest gangster you ever met in your life. In the black community, there's a lot of hopelessness. We make rap songs about killing each other. We're the only culture that does that. I have walked out of Baptist churches and been like, hey dog, I told you I would come with you, bro, but enough is enough, bro. Why you running? Why is he running? I'm gonna run. You wanna run too? Like, oh, he got the Holy Spirit.
SPEAKER_02:We are here today with Marcus Nesbitt, a long, long, long time friend of mine. We've known each other for, what, 15, 20 years now. Yeah, a
SPEAKER_01:long time.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah? I think he has a really, really interesting story because Marcus's mom conceived him as a result of a rape.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know if I would necessarily if she would say, she would say that, right? My mom would probably say that she was taken advantage of. My mom had a friend who was her best friend, and her best friend's older brother took advantage of my mom. And went too far, 13 years old, had
SPEAKER_02:little- 13,
SPEAKER_00:wow. Had little old me. And yeah, I didn't know anything different until later on in life, right? My parents, the Nesbitts, they were friends with my mom's sister. So my mom's sister was married to a guy who was in the military. They met the Nesbitts, who were also a family in the military, and they wanted a young man, a young son, and they adopted me from there.
SPEAKER_02:So your mother didn't raise you?
SPEAKER_00:Not at all.
SPEAKER_02:Do you know your mother?
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:So you have a relationship
SPEAKER_00:with her? Now, today, yes. Stronger than ever. My mom and I, we are super cool. Yeah, and a lot happened. A lot happened to her behind that. Like how was
SPEAKER_02:she raised?
SPEAKER_00:My mom was raised by my grandfather and her mom. My grandfather was a businessman. My grandmother was very strong in helping him run business. And she's raising a good family, but also, too, they sent my mother away to have me. When
SPEAKER_02:she got pregnant at
SPEAKER_00:13, which is... My grandfather didn't know the whole time.
SPEAKER_02:So did the grandfather ever find out?
SPEAKER_00:I think my grandfather passed away a little later on, and he never knew about me.
SPEAKER_02:They were trying to hide you.
SPEAKER_00:They were trying to hide it. I didn't know anything.
SPEAKER_02:But did you know from the beginning you were adopted? No,
SPEAKER_00:I found out at a family function one time when I went to South Carolina, and I saw these people, and I had a big head of curly hair. You know, they... They didn't. And they were trying to figure out where I came from.
SPEAKER_02:Wait, how old were you? I
SPEAKER_00:was four years old.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, you found out at four?
SPEAKER_00:At four.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, okay. So that's pretty early on you were adopted.
SPEAKER_00:And
SPEAKER_02:how did that make you feel? I
SPEAKER_00:didn't really care. At the time, I didn't really care. I didn't have a lot of love in my household. So you kind of learn that I was alone. I was a loner growing up, tremendously a loner and a dreamer. And so I ended up just living in my own little world all the
SPEAKER_02:time. I don't think that way of you.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, tremendously. Like an
SPEAKER_02:introvert, would you say? A
SPEAKER_00:little bit, yeah. I just didn't... If people didn't share the same ideas that I shared, then I didn't want to be around them. You know, D.C. is not a place for hope. Like, there's no hope. Like, they don't give you the option of hope in D.C.,
SPEAKER_02:Did you live in a bad part of town?
SPEAKER_00:No. For a little while, we lived in southeast Washington, D.C., which was a really tough place. It was the murder capital of the United States at the time. My father was a military man. He was a very accomplished guy. We moved to Clinton, Maryland. We had a nice house, but I went to the city on the weekends. Sometimes I would go there and hang out with my cousins, and that's just where the good times were. Not where we lived, that was far away from everything. And yeah, I kind of got to the point where I would not want to be around a whole lot of other kids sometimes and just live in my own little world.
SPEAKER_02:Tell me, Marcus, how you reconnected with your mother.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I think that the crazy part is that my uncle Rocky, who was her brother-in-law, my mom's brother-in-law, and who had a relationship with the Nesbitts who adopted me, I think he felt very guilty He actually told me that. He came to me one day and was like, yo, this is eating me alive. Wow. I got to take you to meet these people. And then what hurt me more than, what hurt me originally was that these people weren't broke. Like, my mom was not from the projects. Like, she had, her parents, they had it. And I just don't think that it was a good look for the family for this young lady. That part, right? Brings
SPEAKER_01:shame.
SPEAKER_00:And to understand that, when I understood that that was the reason, I was like, whoa. Because back then, if I'm a reputable man and my daughter's out here and she's pregnant, it doesn't look good for me. It doesn't look good on the family. No, it does not. And so therefore, my mom had to go through all this stuff, have her child taken away from her, and she came looking for me. My mother was knocking down doors to find me. And my uncle was like, yo, I'm taking you to go see this lady. And I went in. It was very odd because I saw I had other brothers and sisters that looked like me, right?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, really?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And it was just strange to get accustomed to it. But at the same time, I realized that I had a great life. I was cool. I was like, I'm good. And they grew up different than I did. But at the same time, I got a connection with her. And... Right at first I didn't understand the struggles, but then I started to hear the stories from the family of what happened there. And then she told me later on what happened to her. And we became friends and we have a bond now to this day. Our relationship is still growing to this day, my mom and
SPEAKER_02:I. What happened to your biological father?
SPEAKER_00:He died a couple years ago. I
SPEAKER_02:mean at the time.
SPEAKER_00:Nothing.
SPEAKER_02:Didn't report it?
SPEAKER_00:No. No one would believe her. She'd kind of flirt with the guy, I guess. He was a good-looking guy. That just wasn't a thing back then. That was happening so often that people were doing that to children, and nobody wanted to hear that back then.
SPEAKER_02:And you had a really good football career in high
SPEAKER_00:school. Yeah, I had a great career. I went to Wake Forest, went to college. My mom was there to support me, but there's just certain things. You can tell certain things have affected my mother. She's very critical of a lot of things. Nothing is kind.
SPEAKER_01:What do
SPEAKER_00:you mean? Everything has an angle to it. You just can't introduce her. She's always evaluating. You know, downloading people all the time. Well,
SPEAKER_02:she's been bamboozled
SPEAKER_00:her whole life. Yeah, and I can see how that affected her. And I remember when I used to have phone conversations with my mom, and she would go down all these little crazy rabbit holes of negativity. And after she told me her story probably about a year ago, I totally understood why she would go down those rabbit holes of negativity. You know, like, my mom had so many dreams, and they just did not come true. together because of what she had experienced. I truly believe that to this day.
SPEAKER_02:Do you think she regrets keeping you?
SPEAKER_00:No. No. No. No, that woman will ride and die for her children. She will. That's one thing I know about her. I just lost my sister,
SPEAKER_02:Diamond,
SPEAKER_00:to cancer not so long ago. Oh, I didn't know that. I'm
SPEAKER_02:so sorry,
SPEAKER_00:Marcus. And my mom, and I didn't really know Diamond like that. Your sister? Yeah, we weren't very close. But my mom really rode hard for her until the end. And so, yeah, that wouldn't be a thought of hers at all.
SPEAKER_02:I was just wondering because some people, when they make an abortion... Argument they say if I keep this baby will ruin my life or I will regret it, you know, it will interfere with my life Even though maybe there were some speed bumps in the road. She just has no regrets about keeping you. I
SPEAKER_00:Think that's my grandmother's choice more than anything.
SPEAKER_02:Oh your grandmother. No
SPEAKER_00:my grandmother had a She she held that family together and she made that decision and And they kept up with me.
SPEAKER_02:I noticed you're wearing a Blessed Virgin Guadalupe necklace. And I read somewhere a while ago that all the aborted babies and babies that didn't make it are with her. Do you have a favorite saint?
SPEAKER_00:Anthony, Saint Anthony. Patriot Saint of Lost Things.
SPEAKER_02:Why?
SPEAKER_00:I've lost a lot growing up. Is
SPEAKER_02:that why?
SPEAKER_00:Is
SPEAKER_02:that why you like him so much?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, that's
SPEAKER_00:cute. Because I've... You know, growing up, I've seen a lot of young dudes die. A lot of young people leave this earth growing up. And when you lose things, it makes you appreciate life tremendously. And I do. I really appreciate living an entire life when I've seen a ton of my friends go. And I think about those people to this day. What would they have been if they didn't live in this environment? Once again, hopelessness, right?
SPEAKER_02:I have a question for you. Go ahead. Because I think that your story, although it was so painful, like you're such a success story at the end of the day. And let's say a girl was pregnant and was from rape. And she was thinking about aborting the baby because of that reason. What would you say to that person?
SPEAKER_00:You're going to do this to me right here. I'm going to do that to
SPEAKER_02:you right now.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I don't really, I don't know what I would say to that person. But I would definitely hope that they would give life a chance. You know?
SPEAKER_02:Me too. Because I
SPEAKER_00:can't put myself, my feet in those shoes.
SPEAKER_02:No, we can't.
SPEAKER_00:You know?
SPEAKER_02:We can't.
SPEAKER_00:Like, there's certain circumstances that I think that maybe that has, you know, there's certain circumstances that are very rough and traumatic. No, because
SPEAKER_02:you're the perfect example for that. And you know what? even though at the worst of circumstances, like something beautiful still has come out of this story.
SPEAKER_00:Abortion is a delicate situation right now, especially in this country as a whole.
SPEAKER_02:I know. I have the flip side of the question now. What would you say to a person who had an abortion because they were raped and they're feeling guilty about it or bad about it?
SPEAKER_00:Hmm. Let me ask you a question, not to that question. What do you think that... Once again, I say it was God engineered a second ago,
SPEAKER_01:right?
SPEAKER_00:The journey for those people, it's a journey. It's a tough journey. And I think that it's something that will always come back and haunt you. I really think that. I really do think that part, though. I think it is a haunting thing to get rid of a person. In the black community, there's a lot of hopelessness. And We see a lot of these kids in Chicago and DC and we make rap songs about killing each other. We're the only culture that does that, right? We're the only culture, black people, we're the only culture that worship a pimp. We think these pimps are cool because we don't have a whole lot of hope in our culture growing up. A lot of less fortunate black people in this country don't have hope. And at the end of the day, having an abortion is a sign of not having hope. That you can take care of this, take care of yourself. That's so sad, Marcus. But it's real.
SPEAKER_02:I know.
SPEAKER_00:Those are the realities that people on the outside don't see. I've had friends who've lived in six, seven different projects for one reason or the other. The kids got this one kicked out. Now the dad's coming back and fighting with the mom at night. She just wants peace. There's so much turmoil in our community that kids don't have hope. So abortion is not always a thing until maybe you become 30. we start to remember, man, what would that have looked like?
SPEAKER_02:I know,
SPEAKER_00:it's sad. How tall my child had been. I wonder what it would have been a boy or a girl. You know, those are the questions that I've heard from my friends, females that I know from my community that have had those abortions. And I blame a lot of it on hopelessness, man. There's not a lot of hope in our community.
SPEAKER_02:You know, if you think about it, like I said, I'm going to get so much hate for this, but if you think about it, people always say, oh, it's just cells or, you know, this or that. It's not a real human. But if somebody murders a pregnant woman, it's double murder. So there's got to be, you can't have it both ways, you know?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think it's convenient not to think of it that way at the time.
SPEAKER_02:Well, that's the argument they make. It's not, it can't, if it's not viable outside the womb, this or that, but.
SPEAKER_00:I think the haunting part is when you become an adult. A parent. And you think that. And you have other children, and you look back and say, what would that kid have been like? Would he have been smart? Would he have been a basketball player? Would he have been a chemist? You know what I'm saying? That's when the regret really starts to kick in on a lot of people.
SPEAKER_02:And I don't have the answers, so I don't know. That's just what I... I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:We don't know. But at the same time, this is going on. This is happening. It's changing the fabric of what country abortion is in a major way. There are women going far outside of their states to have abortion. I think
SPEAKER_02:we're one of six or eight countries that allows abortion past 12 weeks. Most countries in the world don't. Even abortion rights countries, even countries that accept and widely use abortion. Most of them are past 12 weeks. I think we're one of six or eight countries that have it past 12 weeks.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I truly hope and pray that we can have a better country as a whole, that we can find some kind of balance. I doubt it ever happened, but I pray for that, that we have a better balance in this country to really understand how culturally how these things happen to these young women, especially like from my culture, a lot of these young women have abortions. And listen, it becomes a thing.
SPEAKER_02:Really? You think? Oh, shit. Do you know that?
SPEAKER_00:I know girls who've had several abortions.
SPEAKER_02:I know girls who have had multiple
SPEAKER_00:abortions, too. Multiple abortions. And
SPEAKER_02:when I tell people that, you know, listen, let's just take it outside of the church for a second. Let's just talk, like, practicality for a second. Like, let's just say I'm not Catholic, right? Like, take the Catholicism Bible Jesus out of it. Oh, Ratchet Ira. Oh, Ratchet Ira. Okay. So, like, why do you need an abortion if you can use contraception? Like, there was a fight to be made in the 50s, My Body, My Choice, all this stuff, but like, that fight is gone now. It's like the fight for HIV and AIDS. Like, we've won that fight. Right? Like, we are constantly being brainwashed. My body, my choice. My body, my choice. Like, no. Like, we got to change. We got to stop the narrative of that. Because it's not just your body, your choice. And from a non-religious perspective, from a non-Jesus Bible perspective, like, there should be no reason why anyone, even if you're an atheist, to have an abortion. Because you can prevent it. Right.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, true. But at the same time, once again, hopelessness, right? What
SPEAKER_02:does hopelessness have to do with birth control? They teach us sex education starting in the seventh grade. Abstain. If you can't abstain, take birth control. If you can't take birth control, I don't know what to do. It just kind of makes me mad.
SPEAKER_00:When you don't have hope, you go for anything. You have a point there. So a young man comes along. He does not have a condom. He wants to have sex with this girl. And he's like, yo, he's saying whatever he can to her. Look, look.
SPEAKER_02:I see your point there. You know
SPEAKER_00:what I mean? I see your point there. So it happens a lot. And what I mean by the balance in this country is to... really understand what's going on in these communities where these young ladies are having these abortions. You know what I mean? Like, I met a young lady on my trip. I was just in North Carolina a couple days ago. She didn't have sex until she was in college. You know what I mean? And that's rare in my community. But for a lot of these young women, they don't feel good about themselves and they don't have hope. And sex is their only weapon.
SPEAKER_02:Connection.
SPEAKER_00:That's it, right? Women give the opportunity to have sex. And so when you have these guys that are after you and they say, oh, I don't want to wear this condom. I don't want to wear this, you know what I'm saying? And then they give her a guilt trip about
SPEAKER_02:it. How do you give people hope?
SPEAKER_00:I don't know. That's a great question. That's a great question. Because it's easy. When you don't have hope, it's easy to go get an abortion. It's easy to do it. And like I said, they don't recollect it again until they become adults. And they really start to feel bad about it.
SPEAKER_02:So tell me, going to Catholic school, how did that shape your life?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I went to Archbishop Carroll, which is the best high school on the planet. I got a scholarship and I had a teacher, a social justice teacher by the name of Robert Hoderney. Robert Hoderney was our social justice teacher and we learned about Mother Teresa. That was his hero.
SPEAKER_02:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:And I learned how to serve. So I would go to the Zacaya Soup Kitchen in Washington, D.C. once a month and I would serve homeless people. And when you're the bigger guy, you have to serve out of the pot, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And... You know, Robert always had this saying, you know, to be a light in dark places. And I learned that that's the most important thing in life now, to me, is to serve. And so I learned how to serve at Archbishop Carroll. And that's probably the greatest thing that I took from that place was learning how to serve. You know, serving homeless people is a hard job. You know, even to this day, I still serve homeless people, right? You know, and so I served to be a light in the dark places for Robert. Robert, he adopted two kids from the projects, Timmy and Kimmy. And he was killed a week before Christmas, my senior year. Him and Kimmy were killed, hit by a car.
SPEAKER_01:Wow.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And so I promised him, you know, at his grave that I would be in light and dark places for the rest of my life. And so here I am.
SPEAKER_02:A light in dark places. That's like a really nice thing.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Wow, I'm sorry. You've had a lot of pain in your life.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but when you come from that, you don't really know that it's pain until somebody tells you that it's pain, right?
SPEAKER_02:I'm sorry. I don't mean to draw attention
SPEAKER_00:to it. No, the thing is like, I always say 50 Cent say like, depression is a luxury to have, to be depressed. Because you gotta survive depression. You have to know how to survive. You can't be depressed and you can't survive if you're depressed, right? So some things you aren't allowed to feel when you're young like that. You know, you come from that environment. I've seen people killed. I've seen people beat to death. I've seen a lot in my time on this earth. But I know that being a light is what I want to be personally. That's what I want to do for the rest of my life.
SPEAKER_02:I hope to be that too.
SPEAKER_00:I think you are. Look at this. You know, like I remember another Ira, okay? I remember another Ira if we really want to get into it.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, tell the other Ira story. Yeah, Ira used to be
SPEAKER_00:Ratchet, Rich Ratchet. You know what Rich Ratchet is? It's Ira, okay? Ira would have a half a dream, and Ira would be ready to rock and roll with anybody in the place to be, okay? She didn't give a damn if it was Suge Knight, Ice-T. And these people were scared of Ira. Like, these dudes. I would go places and I'd be like, Ira, hey, hey, hey. What are we doing? Oh, my God. Oh, God. We're going to die. And I'd be like, I tell you what, mother... And they would just be like, these guys would just be like, okay, okay. And I'd be like, yo, how is this white lady doing this shit? How is she pulling this off? This is amazing. This is the toughest gangster you ever met in your life. I
SPEAKER_02:have a question for you. I know I was a little bit gangster, but... Was I a nice person?
SPEAKER_00:Always. We used to stay at the Pally House.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:On La Cienega, right? Every morning, Ira would get up, and she would go to the 7-Eleven around the corner, right? And every single day, she would feed the homeless people.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I forgot that, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You want a pizza? You want something? She wouldn't give them money. You would always make sure they ate.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, thank you. I forgot about that.
SPEAKER_00:Every single day.
SPEAKER_02:I totally
SPEAKER_00:forgot about that. No matter where Ira went, and there were people that were less fortunate... She will always bust her ass. Even tipsy. She will bust her ass to make sure that she took care of people. And I think that sometimes in this journey that we're on, especially being in Hollywood, you have to know when you've been blessed.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You have to know when to be the light. And you also have to know when to have gratitude.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You know? And blessings will keep coming, you know? Blessings will always be abundant as long as you're being a light and you're giving gratitude and being thankful for what you have. And you've always been that. And you gave me my first gig in this business as far as being able to do A&R, working with the kid that we've worked with, and just a number of things. I've gone into meetings with you in places that, you know, just crazy people that I've met around you and just like, what are we doing right now? I had Thanksgiving with Ronald Isley.
SPEAKER_02:For those of people who don't know who Ronald Isley is, he's a legend in the business.
SPEAKER_00:100% legend.
SPEAKER_02:Isley Brothers. Yes. Us being in the music business, we saw a lot of evil. I saw a lot of evil anyway. And I think that was kind of, it was being tough, I think was kind of my shield. And so maybe that's why, like in, you know, I didn't grow up in, the easiest circumstances at times either. So I kind of have a kind of a shield around me. I don't let a lot of people in either, but I mean, we've seen a lot of evil and I'm like surprised that maybe because we saw the evil that we have softened up as much as we have. What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_00:I do. I've seen so many people fall and you and I both have. I remember a producer who moved here from Atlanta. I think I met him through you, as a matter of fact. And he was like, yo, can you help me do a couple things? And I was like, sure. And it was a party every night. Yeah. And I was like, bro, you got to stop. You got to slow down. Like, this is not how you make it up here. And he wouldn't stop. And he ran out of money.
SPEAKER_02:Easy to do, by the way.
SPEAKER_00:Very easy to do. Very easy to do is to run out of money. And he ran out of cash. And he was like, what do I do? And I was like, you go home. You go back. Because a lot of times people think it's never going to stop. They think it's going to keep coming forever. And it's a spirit.
SPEAKER_02:It's a negative spirit or it's like concentrating on the wrong things and not getting your fulfillment from God. There's something lacking to be living on that kind of a level, that kind of a party, that kind of a consumption, that kind of never-ending stuff.
SPEAKER_00:I think a lot of people become their own God. Right? And I was telling some people earlier today, like, when you have that money coming in all the time, you never feel like anything is going to end. You feel like you can buy anything. You can go anywhere. You can have whatever you want. But what you can't have is you can't have a level of peace that is a holy peace at that. There's always a sleeves vibe to it sometimes because you get lost in having everything. You know, I've seen a guy change women in and out like two hours a piece. And it was just like, that can't feel good. That can't feel good. But to him, he come from a church background and the whole nine, but to him, All that goes under the bridge because you're your own God now. I'm God of myself now.
SPEAKER_02:I think I know who you're talking about. We won't mention his name. But remember when he was trying to convince us God wants us to cheat?
SPEAKER_00:That's a whole other person. A whole other person? Yeah, not even that
SPEAKER_02:guy. He was one time. This is a true story. He sat there and was trying to convince you and I that God actually wants us to cheat. And I was like, you know what? I'm not even touching that over there. I'm not even going down that argument with you.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I think that more than anything that what happens with rock bottom is that suffering brings you closer to God, right? When you hit rock bottom, suffering will always bring you closer to God. And a lot of times these guys, they hit rock bottom and they still don't go. They still don't change their lives. They still don't turn things around. And it happens more than you can imagine. You know it, that these people, a lot of people in Hollywood who get mixed up in certain things. This is a wicked place.
SPEAKER_02:I know.
SPEAKER_00:Hollywood is a wicked place. And I don't want to say that because I love this place. I kiss the ground every time I land in L.A. I love this place. But it can suck you up. I've given more money to girls that are traveling back home because they have nothing else to give Hollywood. All the dreams, everything will be taken from you like that if you don't move for real purpose and you don't stay focused on God or whatever your higher power is.
SPEAKER_02:And also with God and also the flip side, devil, or demons or sin, whatever you want to call it, I was so knee deep in... the music business and all its wrongdoings, that I started to blur the lines of what was right and wrong. I saw, I'm not gonna say who it was, but I saw some things I didn't wanna see. And when people would question me on if something was happening, if I say what was going on, everyone's gonna know who and what I'm talking about, but people would be like, oh, I heard this happens or that happened. I would just be like... They were talking to me as if it was something shocking and I was just like,
SPEAKER_00:and? Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, and? It was like things I knew were wrong were not shocking me. That's when I knew, you know what? There is something wrong with me that I don't think what's going on here is wrong. That's when I knew it was time for me to leave. You know, I was like, I don't think all these bad things are wrong. I need to take this girl out of the equation. Right. And even with like that, that those were behavior things, but then even with drugs, like sometimes the artists would take drugs and one artist in particular, you and I both now came to me and said, I don't like taking that particular drug. And I said, Oh, why? And he was like, when I take that drug, the devil talks to me for days. And I was like, noted, noted. Like I was like, like God kept sending me sign after sign after sign telling me this is not where you're supposed to be. And, and you know what? That's when my, that was like when I first started to reconnect with God that I thought this can't be all I'm here to do. And I left the music business and it was actually very hard. a depressing time for me when I first left, because although I'd had it up to here, it was a bit of a drug. You know, the thrill of it, you know, the parties, the... I didn't want to be in it anymore, yet I didn't want to be not in it anymore. Like I still missed it miserably. Like everything I did was boring after that, you know?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I used to always tell you, I was like, you don't take your ass on somewhere and get away from these fools. What are you doing? I was like, Ari, this is not it.
SPEAKER_02:I know.
SPEAKER_00:How many times do I have to tell you that? Like this is not it.
SPEAKER_02:I remember one time there was a very famous producer and he was having parties. I'm like, okay, I'm coming. And all my guy friends were like, no, you're not. I was like, yeah, I'm coming to that. You can't tell me where to go. I'm coming. They're like, okay, there's going to be like an orgy. I'm like, I'm not coming. Say less. I am not going to that party. And then I was out of the business soon after that. Ten years of that kind of stuff, I was like... I got desensitized to all the bad stuff. And it became... I became a person I didn't like anymore. And actually, when I left, I was praying to God for the first time. And I said... Like, guide me to where you want me. Like, I was, what, 40-something years old. I can't remember how old I was, but I was like, guide me to be where you want me to be. Like, use me as an instrument. And then three months later, I had St. Candles.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's usually how it happens, though, right? So I was in, I came off tour. I went on two tours in a row, to speak to that, right? Came on two tours in a row. pocket full of money because, you know, a lot of times on the tours that I would, you know, would be a road manager on a tour, I would always throw a couple shows on it, right? So I would always get percentages out of the show. So while everybody else was getting tour money, I wouldn't have to spend my money because I was booking shows on a tour. So my last tour, I came off of, not the very last one, but the one before the last one, I came off the road and I just remember going and I would come off of tour and I would just stay in the house. I would go to the gym, get food, weed, alcohol, and I would just stay in the house and just watch movies. And I would invite girls over, right? And I knew all those girls had a certain drug of choice, so I would always have that drug of choice on hand. And I just remember one day, I woke up with like four girls. And I moved walking to look into the mirror, and I remember God was like, he spoke to me. He says, this is not what I... gave you all this for.
SPEAKER_02:Do you heard him or you thought
SPEAKER_00:him? Oh, it's not my first time hearing him, but I definitely heard him. You
SPEAKER_02:actually audio,
SPEAKER_00:audibly heard him? Absolutely. What was his voice
SPEAKER_02:like?
SPEAKER_00:It was powerful. It was a powerful voice. My first time I heard God was when I was 16 years old.
SPEAKER_02:What did he say?
SPEAKER_00:He says that I will always take care of you. Haven't I brought you this far? Oh,
SPEAKER_02:wow.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. And I was going through some stuff at that time.
SPEAKER_02:What were you going through?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I wanted to get the hell away from my house. I wanted to get away from where I was at. And there's just a lot going on in my household. I had never seen love before. So I was just really just wanting a different life to just get away and go do me. And he just spoke to me out the blue and I was frightened. I was scared as hell. But that day that I looked in the mirror that morning and I was like, yup, you're right. And in my mind, I started to picture, I want to get married. I was like, I want to get married.
SPEAKER_01:Wow.
SPEAKER_00:I don't want to do this no more. I have done it all. I have been everywhere. I partied everywhere. There's not a party that I can't, someone can say he wasn't there. I did them all, right? Same. We went to a ton of those parties together. And you just see the same people doing the same thing. And as soon as you leave... They'll talk trash about you. And you're like, yo, we were just kicking it with, why are we doing this? This is crazy. It's like no morals, no loyalty. Really? We're doing this now. And it's like, yeah. And no one has your right. There's no morals. There's nothing. So I just remember laying down that night, and I saw this woman in my head that I'm attracted to and I wanted. And five months later, I met my wife. And I started to realize the blessing of a good woman. Right? I started to realize the blessing. When God gives you a woman, that's an amazing thing. And my wife changed me tremendously. Having kids. And now I look into my children's eyes and I'm just, I strive to do the right thing by God because I want him to bless my family as well. And you start to figure this thing out. You start to see the same people. Like when you see interviews with people in Hollywood that you know, and you see them, you're like, this is the biggest bullshitter on the planet, bro. I know,
SPEAKER_02:I
SPEAKER_00:know. And you're just sitting there looking at them like, yo, you are so full of it, dog. I know. And it's like, you're still there. That person's still in that same place. I'm different. I have people say, why did you leave all that? I left this business, and I'll tell you how great God is. Met my wife. I moved out of Hollywood. You know that. I left. And I said, I'm going to get a job. I'm going to use my education to get a job. I got a job at the state of Nevada. And I worked. But as soon as I did move on, COVID hit. And nobody was touring. Nobody was touring. I had this huge house, everything going on in my life, family, kids, and I was thriving. And I remember thanking God so much. I said, Lord, I am so appreciative for how you keep blessing my life. When I walked in here, when I came into this compound today, I was like, yo, you are so amazing. God is so amazing with how he blessed my life. But you have to listen. You have an opportunity to listen and to follow. And if you don't, See, sometimes God, he'll prune you to make you fruitful, but he just won't give you everything.
SPEAKER_02:You know, when I first started Saint, I was like pushing all these Catholic, like it grew, like it was just supposed to be a gift idea, and it grew, and I was starting to feel like a fraud, even though I identified as Catholic. I hate using that word because it identifies this, identifies that, but I identified as Catholic. I always believed in God, but I wasn't really practicing, and I was like, I don't even go to church. I shouldn't be the representative for these products. And I went to this priest that was blessing the holy oil that was going in the candles. And I said, am I a fraud? Maybe I should get somebody to be the face of this product because it's not me. I drink and I dance and I do stupid things. And he said, you know what?
SPEAKER_00:I wouldn't call it dancing.
SPEAKER_02:I wouldn't call it
SPEAKER_00:dancing. No, I've
SPEAKER_02:seen you dance. He said, no, God uses least likely soldiers to pass the message. He said, you keep being the face of this product. And I said, let's go. And from there, I just kept just a little bit at a time getting a little bit closer to my religion. It's been four years now, and I'm pretty close.
SPEAKER_00:So what's the mission of Beyond Saint?
SPEAKER_02:Beyonce?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, Beyonce. That's what I thought you said at first. I was like, oh, this is not going to work at all.
SPEAKER_02:You know what? I wanted to be... Listen, I grew up going to Catholic schools my whole life. And I come from a pretty religious background as far as my grandparents were slaughtered because they were Christians. Armenian Holocaust or Armenian Genocide. We don't call it the Holocaust, but genocide. And it was like the Christianity... was shoved down my throat and I rejected it for a really long time. Not rejected it in an active way, but I didn't practice. I just kind of wanted like, just to have some peace, like without it being all about that. And I just want people to come back to it in a very palatable, modern, fun way. Not like in the, We had to write journal upon journal about reflection about this and that and Catholic school this. I wanted to make religion fun, beautiful, and modern again. I don't know if fun's the right word to
SPEAKER_00:describe it. What's the light? What do you want to accomplish by this? How are you going to serve with this?
SPEAKER_02:I'm getting people to pray. I have the app. I'm getting people to learn about the saints. I'm hoping to bring people closer to God.
SPEAKER_00:I think it's so crazy how far religion has advanced, right? Or even worshiping God has
SPEAKER_02:advanced. Oh, I mean, you mean the technology.
SPEAKER_00:My grandmother would go in the closet and pray. I used to think that was the most ridiculous thing.
SPEAKER_02:Why?
SPEAKER_00:That's just what she used to do. She would go in the closet and get on her knees and pray. Carrie Kelly, my grandmother, was the biggest... lover of God that I've ever met in my life. Never heard her curse. And my grandmother would watch any religious show, Benny, Hen, it didn't matter who it was, she would watch it. She loved God so much. And I learned a lot about loving God from my grandmother, right? I think that this is such a big thing because you have a lot You have a lot to bless the world with, right? And doing something like this is so amazing. And I think that the biggest way to get more people to pray is to just be the light yourself. This is very inspiring. This whole thing beyond saying it's an inspiring thing. And I think that you have to go all the way. You have to go find the hopeless girls in these areas that are possibly when they could have an abortion and give them hope and light. You know, I think the biggest thing is that grace and mercy of God is what a lot of people don't feel. They don't feel it. And when you don't feel that grace and mercy, you fall for anything. When you don't feel like you're worthy of God blessing you, And a lot of those people from those communities who are doing these abortions, they don't feel like any damn thing. They don't feel like they're worthy of having children. And I would mess this up too. I don't want to bring a child into this whole thing. My brother just got killed two days ago. I don't want someone to kill. These are the thoughts that are going through it. But this is the reality of it. And I think that when you have a platform like this, it has to be all the way. You have to go... into the projects, to Hollywood, whatever it takes.
SPEAKER_02:We should put a charity on our, we have a charity page. We should put a charity. that helps maybe pregnant mothers?
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. I
SPEAKER_02:don't know of one. I found one, but it didn't work out.
SPEAKER_00:That struggle is real. I watch pregnant moms now. I work heavily with the homeless community in my community in Reno, Nevada, and I see a lot of pregnant moms who says, I'm not going to give my baby up. I'm going to go through this. But guess what? They live in a shelter at the same time. They've got to wait for a van to take them to the clinic. They don't have the necessary proper food. So sometimes when they go to these services, they just have sandwich bags there for them. They don't have groceries, right? And they go live in these shelters with other moms who are very frustrated, pregnant as well. Like there's a whole world
SPEAKER_02:of this that
SPEAKER_00:we have to look at to really understand that this is real life. And you have to use this platform to make sure that you reach all. And also too, like, I don't think that many people understand your story. And I think you have a very inspiring story. And I think you need to go and reach out because you've always had a really cool connection to our community, right? I've seen you with some of the most ratchet sisters from St. Louis I've ever seen in my life. And they love you to death. Right. And I think that that is where you become to get more of an understanding of a lot of your questions is when you go to those hard places and see what's really going on in those communities. And then you get a little bit different perspective of choice or not, you know, of having an abortion or not, or even understanding why the thought process of that was hard. you know, feasible to do is because a lot of them don't have hope. And for those who just say, well, I had an abortion, I want to have sex, and I just want to get rid of this kid because I want to keep having sex, those people are the ones that are tremendously damaged. But the women in my community, where I come from, there's a lot of, it's very hard for them to bring a life into this world. It's a rough place.
SPEAKER_02:There's an order of nuns, it's called Sisters for Life. Sisters for Life, yeah, they offer a lot of services. We should actually link their, it's called Sisters of Life, they're out of New York, I believe, and they help women who are thinking about getting abortions or um have had an abortion and need like prayer and spiritual guidance
SPEAKER_00:and you know it's a it's not a very my mother talked about the aftermath of after i was gone right once i was taken away from her and there was a hell of a pain that was there There was a terrible plank pain that was there.
SPEAKER_02:I can't imagine being 13. You don't even know what's going on, let alone processing the loss of a baby. And then your dad doesn't know. You're this weird secret. I mean, your mom, I have a lot of respect for her on a lot of different levels.
SPEAKER_00:I'm very thankful, of course, because we're here. But I see a lot of young ladies who go to these clinics and get abortions. And I had a friend of mine go, about 10, 12 years ago, and she turned her car around. There were people in front of this thing with signs, with pictures of what that looked like, and she was like, F this. You
SPEAKER_02:know what? I sat next to, at the Napa Conference, this woman. I don't know why I flipped. I was pro-choice most of my adult life. This is probably where my daughter gets it from, but it's a process for her, too, I understand. I was pro-choice most of my life, and I sat next to this woman at the Napa Conference, and she had dedicated her life to... giving women ultrasounds for free who were thinking about aborting their children. And she said 99% of them, once they see the baby, decide not to abort it. And I thought to myself, I don't know why that was the moment that I switched, but at that point I was like, yeah, I remember when I got that ultrasound. And I remember, like... Exactly. It's life. However you're going to justify that behavior, you can justify it.
SPEAKER_00:I'm in this faithful portion of my life.
SPEAKER_02:So am I.
SPEAKER_00:I'm making sure that I'm mindful of every movement. And my conversation with God is constant. I'm always talking to God all the time.
SPEAKER_02:What do you say?
SPEAKER_00:I say whatever. You know, for real. Yeah, I say whatever. I truly filter my life journey through what God thinks about me. My road rage is different now. I
SPEAKER_02:know.
SPEAKER_00:Since I've really started to be more in tune with God. And just be like, Lord, please, I am begging you to help me control myself. And listen... The journey is what's so beautiful, I think. Walking in here today is just like seeing all of this. I just started laughing. I remember Pally House. I remember being everywhere and just us, you know, the wild stuff that we would see, the wild stuff that would happen. And I was like, look at the journey that God has put Ira on. I am here to speak on some amazing things about faith and love of God. And this is a very beautiful thing. And I think that I think that your message will get across, and I think that you'll bless many, but I don't think that everyone's always going to listen, Ira.
SPEAKER_02:It's okay.
SPEAKER_00:They won't.
SPEAKER_02:We're not trying to reach every single person, but if we reach a few, that's good.
SPEAKER_00:Do you believe if you don't believe in God, you're going to hell? Do you believe that?
SPEAKER_02:Well, I don't think you're going to heaven.
SPEAKER_00:You didn't answer the question. You flared on it. Do you believe that? I
SPEAKER_02:think if you know about him and if you've been exposed to him and you reject him, you're not going to have it.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. All
SPEAKER_02:right. I don't make the rules.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:That's what this podcast should have been called.
SPEAKER_00:I don't make the rules. You're right, because he definitely does. I
SPEAKER_02:don't make the rules.
SPEAKER_00:He does. The journey of all of this is what's so interesting and how we have landed here to talk about how we can better people's lives. And that's where the blessings come. When you try to better other people's lives is when the blessings start to roll in. I'm not looking for blessings. I would love blessings. I would like blessings. But I'm really into helping people.
SPEAKER_02:I think one of my missions is to get people praying the rosary.
SPEAKER_00:Do you go to Mass?
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Sometimes twice a week.
SPEAKER_00:Do you?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and I go to adoration too.
SPEAKER_00:What do you think about church?
SPEAKER_02:Listen. The politics of church can be problematic, but there's nothing better than taking communion and just like having that good day.
SPEAKER_00:I will say this. What I love the most about Catholic church is that, you know, I've been to some other churches, right? And I've seen these pastors get up there and say, I don't know who need to hear this right now, but God got a blessing for somebody in this room right now. Slap your neighbor and tell your neighbor that you're going to be right. And you're like... This is wild. You're
SPEAKER_02:like, yeah,
SPEAKER_00:type it down. Right? And I don't think that he can open that book at any given time and tell me what chapter in that book that my life is in personally. I really don't believe that. One thing I've always loved about the Catholic Church is that he gives you the word and tells you to go into the world with the word and take it for what it is. And a lot of things, a lot of those words that I've received in Catholic Church are I get them later. It's just information. I look at Catholic Church as information, even the structure of Catholic Church. I
SPEAKER_02:don't want you views to like... I don't know if it's glutton for punishment or what. Once you're used to Catholic Mass, you
SPEAKER_00:go somewhere else, you're like. Oh, what are we doing? Now you're like this. You're like, what is happening?
SPEAKER_02:It's like sitting in first class than going to sit and coach.
SPEAKER_00:100%. Not
SPEAKER_02:sitting over there.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, listen, I have walked out of Baptist churches. I'm like, hey, dog, I told you I would come with you, bro. But enough is enough, bro. I can't take anymore. You know what? I've never paid offering. In Catholic Church. I've never, like, I've always given money up front. Like, there's always a little box, right? But I've been to some Catholic Church. Everybody with your eyes closed and your heads bowed. Who can give$100,000 right now? Wait, no. I've never
SPEAKER_02:seen that. I've never seen that.
SPEAKER_00:That's
SPEAKER_02:from D.C., not from here.
SPEAKER_00:Man, it's everywhere. No, I promise you. I see you throwing money at the pastor's feet one day. Oh, no, no, no. You mean Catholic Church?
SPEAKER_02:No, not Catholic Church.
SPEAKER_00:No, I thought you were saying Catholic Church. I'm from other churches.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, no, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Other churches. And when you come from Catholic Church, right, you become this bougie practicer of religion, right? It's like... What are you doing? Why are you running? Why is he running? I'm going to run. You want to run? Oh, he's got the Holy Spirit. Wait. Okay, cool. Wait a
SPEAKER_02:second. I went with some of my girlfriends to a, I don't know what, non-denominational Baptist, whatever it was. People are passing out. I'm like, this is
SPEAKER_00:my cue. Yeah. It's real bad now. And now, listen, the pastors are sexy, okay? I seen a guy with his shirt open the other day. He was down on his knees talking to the lady in the congregation. I said, what is going on? You don't see what's happening here, huh? And listen, my priest back home, Ralph, he comes out with the whole thing on. He got the big heavy hat on. I'm like, I know he hot. I know he is hot. Not these brothers in the south. They are... They are putting it out
SPEAKER_02:there. Yeah, it's a whole show. There's
SPEAKER_00:pregnant babies in the audience by some of these guys. It's a production.
SPEAKER_02:No, it is a production. It is.
SPEAKER_00:And one thing that makes me appreciate the Catholic Church is that it is very regimented.
SPEAKER_02:You know exactly
SPEAKER_00:what's happening. You know exactly what's... You know what? Pastor Ralph, he's getting ready to tell that sorry-ass story that he's been telling for 13 years that I've been going to this church, and here it goes. Boom, and he tells it, right? Not in these churches. I've seen them fly... in the sky on a wire. It is crazy what's happening. And for me, Catholic Church seems to be the only thing that's ever been real to me.
SPEAKER_02:Constant. And you know exactly what's happening. Communion, almost done. We're almost done here. Take the communion and bounce.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. And listen, my priest would be like, hey, listen, the football game starts in about 45 minutes, guys. I'm going to get you guys out of here so we can go. Yes. And what I'm seeing now in religion, religion has become a real business. And I think the anchor for me is always having that foundation of the Catholic Church, understanding what is supposed to be, including confession, right? I had a Father Rudd. would do my confessions. And I knew him. And he knew me. And you would be in there and I'm like, I know this fool knows who this is because I know who you are.
SPEAKER_02:And I know he thinks I'm ratchet.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and he was like, why you never say anything? Because I know you know who I am. I can smell you. You smell like cigarettes, man. I know it's you. He don't really always smell like gin and cigarettes, right? And so it just got to the point where It became a place where he was kind of this portal, kind of this messenger for me to go in here. And he'd be like, listen, he'd call me stupid all the time. Listen, stupid, listen, you're fine. You're talking through me and I'm going to give you, I'm like advising you here, right? He would give me great advice. And when I let my guards down, I never forget some of our conversations because they turn to conversations after a while. And it's very comforting to have that. Therapy.
SPEAKER_02:It's therapeutic.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, it was my first piece of therapy that I've ever had in my life. And I didn't know it until I got older. But that really, it held me for a long time.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you for coming, Marcus. I really appreciate you talking with us about some really, really sensitive subjects. And I think people will really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00:I'm just glad to be here. I'm thankful for this opportunity and I'm very proud of what you got going on here. I love this light that you're in. I love that I'm here and I love what you're doing. I hope we can do it again. Thank
SPEAKER_02:you. Same with you. All right. Thanks. Love.