Dialing In with Brett
It’s sad, really. No one wants to start a podcast nowadays — so Brett stepped up. Dialing In with Brett is a dry-comedy show where comedian Brett Neustrom does what any curious (but lazy) person would do: cold calls people with his “hard-hitting” questions. Are all “boy moms” secretly in love with their sons? Do parking enforcement officers ever feel guilty? Do old people have sex in nursing homes? Brett’s got the questions. The guests have the answers. And you? I’m sure you probably have nothing better to do.
Critics are calling his unserious, light-hearted, and wildly dramatic interrogations a brilliant way to nourish the human psyche. (No critics have written in, but I’m sure they’d say something along those lines.)
New episodes drop every Thursday… Now, let’s dial the f*ck in.
Dialing In with Brett
3. what's the hype about the great outdoors?? ft. a national park employee
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This week on Dialing In with Brett, Brett rejects door-to-door Butter Braid sales, contemplates Benson Boone’s discography, and dials in a national park employee.
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what's the shtick?
Speaker 2hi , this is brett . I was dialing you in because I had a question . I there's no way . Hello god , what a dick . Welcome back to Kidding , no , but genuinely welcome back to Dialing In with Brett Genuinely . I mean that I did see a . I did see a Reddit thread Fucking . Sue me , God . Yeah , obviously I'm on my phone all the time . Can you blame me ? And someone was like yeah .
Speaker 2They were talking about my podcast and someone said , like I don't understand the stitch , stitch , shtick . Yeah , they were talking about my podcast . And someone said , like I don't understand the stitch , stitch , stick . First of all , like that shouldn't , that's not on me , not knowing how to pronounce , pronounce that anyways , y'all don't get this stick stick , y'all don't get the stick . Thank god , I spent x amount of dollars on that video promo , built an entire Fucking set in my garage for y'all not to get it . Anyways , that's why we're doing two episodes a week . So , jesus , I hope to and pray to God . You guys understand what I'm doing . It's crazy , cause I'm like I'm not gonna start a podcast Unless like it has Some motherfucking meat and potatoes , and then again , all of that to just for you guys to make what is it ? I don't get it . What's the point , bitch ? I'm not wearing a suit and fucking tie every single day . For you guys to not get it ?
Speaker 2Yeah , so , for y'all at home , in case you fucking missed it and didn't watch one of the two episodes that are out now , and also see the video promo that I perfectly curated to explain what the podcast is , while also making it funny and also , you know , being on theme . If you couldn't fucking get it around that kidding , it's fine . You guys are dumb , I get it Kidding . I'm going to stop saying kidding here shortly , but dialing in . I will be dialing in a guest one to two guests every single week . You know random people . You know I want to interview a gay chick-fil-a employee . So if you are that person , I want to know how you can work at chick-fil-a as a gay employee . Baby , unfortunately they don't like you , um , and I want to walk through your experiences . I want to talk to an amc employee , ask if , like , why they care so much about the ids thing . Is that , like you know , corporate , that's being a dick about that .
Speaker 2I'm trying to get random people on my podcast to talk to them about random things . You know , like , kind of like , if you're on a party and you have three drinks and you're just like , fuck it , I will ask this person anything about their job . That's what I'm doing Okay and it's educational . It's educational but fun and funny and dry . Anyways , that's dialing in and yeah , yeah , we're gonna have two episodes a week for a pretty good bit , just pushing that content out because it is not doing well , but it will , and so that's , I'm confident , and so that's again , fuck it .
Speaker 2Two podcast episodes a week , yeah , two episodes a week is what we have to do to pass color already . I'll fucking do it . I also like let's just address the color daddy in the room really quick . I have no beef against color daddy , it's just the only podcast that I know that is doing what better than mine . Um , I'm trying to think if there are any other podcasts that get more views than mine , except for color daddy .
Speaker 2Now , drawing a complete blank , something
call her daddy "beef"
Speaker 2I did just actually find out in yesterday , which is like kind of funny and like I'm addressing it because I truly didn't have any idea . I almost was on gas on a network , a specific network , that also might do I don't know , I don't fucking know whatever , and it was going to be a radio show . They reached out to me , didn't get it completely fine , didn't want it . Okay , cool , didn't want it . Anyways , they did start . It's called Dialed In . Not a great look , not a great look to start a podcast called Dialing In after I get rejected from one that is now called Dialed In , again through the same network of Call Her Daddy Again . Call Her Daddy , you're fine , like I don't have any beef with you . You just are bigger than me , so I need to take you down . Daddy gang Kidding . Anyways
butter braids, magazines, and box tops, oh my!
Speaker 2, let's fucking get into it , okay .
Speaker 1I want to talk about school .
Speaker 2I want to talk about elementary school . First of all , I was a child . We all are children in elementary school . First of all , I was a child , we all are children in elementary school . Like that's kind of the whole fucking point . Why were you making us sell shit ? Why am I like providing for the school in a financial way ? Let me get this out of here . It looks like shit . How could they make us children work for the school in like ways where it's like no , baby , you're not , you're not paying for anything , you're're fundraising . Elementary schools could make kids do anything in the spirit of fundraising . Baby , why am I selling butter braids ? I don't know if you guys know what butter braids are .
Speaker 2In Iowa we had to go like door to again . Door to door . We learn about stranger danger , but then it's like , oh fuck , when push comes to shove , let's get these kids on the street selling pastries to their neighbors . Like what ? So we would have to sell butter braids , which again are like strudels . Why am I , as like a seven-year-old boy , going door to being a door-to-door fucking salesman , just so ? What ? So I can have a desk at school ? If that's what public schools are all about , like fuck it , I'm going private . I'm going private like I'm not paying for my like , oh , it's free , yeah , at the cost of me fucking working for you ? Absolutely not . And then you get into middle school .
Speaker 2Now we're selling magazines . First of all , read the fucking market . No one likes magazines in the first place . Second of all , again , why am I selling them for you ? And they would be like well , if you play a sport , you do cross country , want a jersey , bitch , you want a jersey . Sell the , sell the fucking magazines , why . And then they would like incentivize anything could be like written off by just being like and we'll give you a pizza party . Oh , my god , lunch with the principal's fucked . No , it's like so insane . They would have like insane incentives which , again , like usually , we're just like a pizza party , which , again , like you , can write off any manual child labor laws , when it's just like , hey , but we offered them . We offered them little caesars on friday , if they , if they do .
Speaker 2Also box tops . What the fuck is a box top ? And why did you have me cutting out every single box top on every single honey bunches of oats box that I've purchased and I brought , brought it in again ? What for a fucking pizza party . What are you doing with the box tops ? What is the monetary value of a box top ? And again , why was I paying for the school ? And it also sucks Cause like teachers get paid so little , which like obviously pisses me the hell off , pisses me off , but it's like , okay , like so .
Speaker 2The next thing is like all right , let's get the kids working , let's put the kids on the fucking field boots to ground , but anyway , we had to do magazine sales in middle school and it's always like this guy that it's like respectfully , did you do a line of coke before you came in here ? Because why do you have this much energy ? You came in here because why do you have this much energy . It's also like you're like a 37 year old man , like trying to get like 11 year olds hyped up on like going door-to-door to magazine sales . Do you remember , like the puffs or what were those little like fuck ass , like keychain , they would give us these like little , like miniature stuffed animals that it's like you could collect them and it's like , oh , you get three of them and you get a tootsie roll like , yeah , fuck it , pogo stick for 8 000 . It's like a wire , like there were so many different incentives and it always was like the kids whose parents , like had money , who just like bought all their shit . It's like , oh cool , now you have a fucking lava lamp and I don't . That's just unfair . Again , like , okay , we have to do this or else I can't do cross country , a sport that I don't even give a fuck about . But if I don't do this , I don't get a jersey . We can't take the bus there . It's messed up . Like , truly like , and also like .
jump rope for heart
Speaker 2I want to talk about jump rope for heart . I want to fucking talk about jump rope for heart . If you don't know what this is , it's like it's a day where , like again , like a 37 year old man who probably did a line before it comes in , is like so excited to be like yo , we're going to jump rope all fucking day . What , what do you mean ? I'm jump roping all day . I'm six and like . It's like jump rope for heart .
Speaker 2We're helping heart , heart survivor , heart palpitations . Baby , I'm going to have a fucking heart attack here . I have to jump rope all day . Also this isn't fun for me where it's like I'm raising money . How ? Because I'm jumping rope . I don't get how any money works . You know in public schools . But it always was our responsibility as the fucking people , as the children of the corn Like it's . I'm just gonna as the children . I don't like the corn part , as the kids Like what Public schools will do anything . Public schools will put children on the fucking front lines before just like comping us jerseys . So I'm hearing now that jump rope for heart was thank you , sorry , I just like I can't in one ear out the fucking other . So here we have jump rope for heart . Who is the target audience for jump rope for heart ?
Speaker 2I don't fucking know talking about jump rope for heart . Uh , it encourages kids to have a positive attitude towards exercise , healthy and heart health , while raising vital funds to fight heart disease . I personally don't think me , as a 7-year-old , should be like responsible for raising vital funds to fight heart disease . Like , just give me a fucking worksheet , give me a coloring book . Like , why am I doing this ? And again , like , why does it come at the cost of me jumping rope for four hours ? Also , did my parents know about this ? Because , like , hey , you're just having me jump rope for like seven hours today . What the fuck ? Also , I didn't raise money . I don't like , I don't think I did anything for that other than jumping . So you're telling me , like me , jumping rope for seven hours is like right , who , how , how am I raising money ? And they also what
standing for 24 hours
Speaker 2I literally was gonna say dance . Okay , I actually I'm gonna get in a dance marathon while we're here , while we're into raising money .
Speaker 2Okay , I'm gonna briefly touch on dance marathon . Obviously a great organization , a great cause , do not get me wrong . I do think it has a little bit sinister energy . I did dance marathon for one year in college . Um , first of all , obviously I was just like hey mom , can I have 500 ? Because I can't participate in this unless I have 500 and she's like I'll give you 75 . I was like fuck , okay , like now I have to text all my aunts and uncles . It's horrible , horrible . Raise the money to go to the function . Why did I have to stand for 24 hours straight and I get it where it's like okay , the like children have cancer Breaks my heart .
Speaker 2We're raising money . We're doing it for the kids . Why can't I sit , though I'm already ? I will stay awake for 24 hours . Sure , I'm happy to do that . That's the least I could do . They would literally come into the bathrooms If you were sitting down on a stall . They'd be like you've been in there too long . Let's go up up . Why ? How is this helping anyone ? Again , I'm already committed to being here for 24 hours straight . I already raised $500 that I didn't have . That I had to ask , like my extended family , whatever . We don't even need to get into the dance marathon .
Speaker 2Honestly , it's like probably like I'll get in trouble anyways
get to play for it instead of pay for it
Speaker 2a magazine sale so they would have like this , like hype man again , the guy who did a line before , and then they would have like basketball people . They were like we got these people from america's , got talent , to come and get you hyped up , and then they would do like flips and like dunks , which I'm like why didn't we use this budget to literally just pay for the fucking jerseys in the first place ? How much did it cost to get these people , these knockoff Harlem Globetrotter ass bitches , to get here Like we could have ? I'm sure that costed a pretty good bit . But now , like my ass is going door to door to sell these magazines just for what little fucking stuffed animal , puffy or whatever the hell they were called ?
Speaker 2Best case scenario I walk out with a fucking pogo stick the cheapest one too . I was like I'll just go to fucking Dave and Buster's if I want some shitty ass presents . If I want some dumb ass gifts , I'll go to Dave and Buster's and at least I will get to play for it instead of having to fucking pay for it . Holy shit , holy shit , dear media clip . That kidding that's not from my podcast .
Speaker 2also , I'm we're doing it , okay , whatever , you guys don't get it anyways I just don't think it's like my responsibility jump over heart was child abuse . Um , stand by that . Again , don't know how like any money was raised . And again like why the fuck could elementary schools write off everything by just being like we might give you a pizza party ? And it was always like . Again , it's like if you get 4 000 box tops , then you can have a pizza party . Again they would get little caesars . I'm like baby , I know this runs you about like 13 for four pizzas . And again like you are putting my life at risk of going door to door , which I really appreciated anyways . Fuck schools kidding anyways . Moral of the story public schools are scams . Let kids live . Don't make them raise money for you , thanks . And again , it's always like money for stuff that it's like why don't we just have this ? Also , it's like you have to raise money for cross-country jerseys . The jerseys they gave us are like 40 years old and like the body odor from every person that had it previously is like permanently engraved in it . I'm going door to door to like to smell the smells of 17 cross-country runners before me . Pass , oh my , but I could get a lava lamp Blow me . Anyways , that's , that's the school system . Fuck , that's why my kids would be homeschooled . Kidding , I actually think they'd be weird if they're homeschooled .
Speaker 2So
can benson boone do a gainer
Speaker 2, benson Boone Benson Boone is getting like a lot of hate , which is like I can't tell if it's it's fair or not . At there was a point this is actually so funny and y'all don't know this was there a point where I dm'd this girl who posted benson boone on his story and asked him if he was single . Sure was it , and is it still to this day . Benson boone's current girlfriend ? Yeah , who fucking cares ? Is Benson Boone straight ? Yes , he is , and he's also my boyfriend . Great , good to know . I will never ask a question to you , ever again . Yeah , yeah , I DM'd Benson Boone's girlfriend . Why , what's up ? Didn't know they were dating . Didn't even know if he was LG or not , which he's not , but dating . Didn't even know if he was lg or not , which he's not .
Speaker 2Um , but benson , I feel like he is getting like the flipping is out of control . It is genuinely out of control , and I fucking love doing tricks . I can actually do a pretty good amount of tricks . I can do a kip up like no one's fucking business . But it really gets to a point where I'm like , okay , like you're , you can do a flip . You can do one flip a concert and that feels again like I'm being generous . You can do a flip . You can do one flip a concert and that feels again like I'm being generous . You don't need to be flipping the entire concert if you're gonna keep flipping . Evolve , evolve with . I want to do a flip with a turn . I want to see a gainer . I'm sure he can fucking do a gainer . You can do everything . Kidding . I've actually only seen him do backflips also , like the backflip off the piano . It's like . That's like a once every , like three-month move . This can't be an every show thing .
mr. electric blue brings childlike joy
Speaker 2I actually do like kind of , a few of his songs . I do like a few of his songs . Okay , like what do you want me to say ? Mr Electric Blue ? There's something in that song that makes me , gives me childlike joy , and if you have anything mean to say about that , like okay , okay , let me be a kid for once . Oh no , everyone always wants to be so fucking grown up and mature like I want it sometimes . I just want to be a little boy and listen to mr electric blue by benson boone , which is like again , just like . So if you watch episode two .
Speaker 2I did talk about how I can only obsess over like one to two songs at a time . I actually added a third into the rotation , which is , unfortunately , mr Electric Blue by Benson Boone . Like again , I do not have good taste in music and I'm completely aware of that . And it's also something where , like more so recently , I'm like in the past I was like , oh my God , I'm so crazy . Like I only can listen to one song on repeat for like three weeks straight . Ah , I'm nuts . And now I'm like , oh wait , like I actually feel like there's like it's something deeper , it's a deeper rooted issue , bordering maybe like a mental illness , where it's like , why can I only listen to one song on repeat ? Like that's like not normal behavior . Like I listened to the song 21 again , bad taste in music , by the way . I listened to song 21 by Gracie Abrams Every second I could for three weeks . Like my brain is like numb at that point . So , yeah , so something's definitely going on mentally upstairs , but also Miss Electric Boom what . Mentally upstairs , but also miss a tree boom , what . There's . No way .
Speaker 2Did y'all know that mark zuckerberg dressed up as benson boone and did a flip for his wife on stage . Where the fuck was I ? Where the fuck was I when Mark Zuckerberg was dressing up as Benson Boone and doing a flip on stage for his wife ? Also , like , yeah , love is fucking real . Like I'm so sorry if anyone that I was in love with dressed up as Benson Boone and did a flip on stage for me . Like I'm fucking toast , baby , that's my soulmate . But also , fuck , mark Zuckerberg . Yeah , everything's hard
have you been jumping around the house?
Speaker 2nowadays , except for I'm really trying harder not to be as crass . It's just , it's tough sometimes , like the jokes write themselves . Everything is hard nowadays and I hate it . I truly hate it .
Speaker 2Of course , I try to put my couch together . You know how , like your couch can like lock into place so it doesn't slip and slide around . I tried to do that the other day . It took a lot of work , you know , slowly bringing it down , cut to it , crashing to the ground and shattering a lamp that was under the couch somehow , um , and of course , that the falling actually did somehow turn off my gas . So then I didn't have hot water . Uh , my stove didn't work , my dryer didn't work and my dishwasher didn't work because it activated like an earthquake protection plan .
Speaker 2Baby , what ? So ? Obviously I had to call like the gas guy to come and fix it and I had to like pay money . And he's like , um , were you jumping around your house at all ? I'm fucking sure I was . And he's like , were you moving any like furniture ? And then , like , obviously in my head I was like thinking about like oh , when the couch like truly crashed to the ground and shattered it , I'm trying to think , no , that's weird Thought that like if I just played stupid , he would just be like , all right , I'll do it on the house , though obviously he still had to pay for it . But yay , but yay .
hmmm surprise me
Speaker 2Something that I hate is when you're like oh , I'm going to the bar , to get a drink .
Speaker 2I'm going running to the store if you need anything and someone says surprise me . No , what do you want ? Why is this now my problem ? Oh , get a drink . What do you want ? Surprise me ? I don't you about three seconds . I'm a countdown from three and if you don't have a fucking answer , you're not getting it .
Speaker 2What do you want from the bar ? Surprise me , like that could mean anything . Do you think I'm gonna like make it like a game like oh wait , that's gonna be so fun . Now I get it . I get to choose . Like no , I don't want to have to guess what if I get the wrong thing , then you're pissed and then I wasted money on a drink that you don't .
Speaker 2What do you you want ? What do you want ? I'm not surprising anyone anymore . What do you want ? Be straight up with me . Just like a short little rant , what was the other short little rant that I wanted to just get off my chest ?
okay dj
Speaker 2Oh , crossfade on Spotify . In theory it makes so much sense , which , if you don't know what the crossfade is it like when the song is one song is ending and then a new song begins and it kind of blends it together . Every single time I hear I'm like , oh okay , dj , hey , oh , you mix this yourself again . In theory is like it makes way more sense . You don't have to hear the the boring parts of the end , where the song just ends . But like I , I can't help . There's just like the inner dick inside of me , like every single time like me , needs to make a comment like remix , remix a .
Speaker 2Okay , dj a . So that's that I'm not being funny right now , which I don't appreciate , but who gives a fuck ? All
am i in the wrong?
Speaker 2right , y'all again it's y'all's favorite segment it's your is this favorite segment ?
Speaker 2there's no getting around that . Um , you guys , I don't think anyone has ever commented about this . No one has ever actually made a comment about the . Am I in the wrong segment ? Y'all love it . You don't have to . I know you guys eat this shit up like a snickers bar . Anyways , we have the newest . Am I in the wrong ? Am I in the wrong for not letting my niece sew me a dress for a big career moment because she doesn't do a good job ? Damn . I love my niece .
Speaker 2I support her creative expression . I've told her that she can make me a dress for running around the house , running errands , hanging out , et cetera . Imagine if you like , told someone who like is creating , like making clothes . It's like , oh my God , yeah , like I would love you to make a dress to lounge around in . Oh my God , wait , that would be so cute for , like me not going out in public . Oh my God , wait , you should make me a dress for when I'm like painting or , like you know , getting dirty and shit like that . I would love that . That would obviously like crush me . But I get it . I get it . I'm happy to wear something she's made at times when it's appropriate . I've worn the acrylic scarf . She acrylic scarf how would that work ? Like acrylic nails , but make it a scarf isn't like gel x . I've worn the acrylic scarf which I just got eyes on . It's less weird than I was making it out to be .
Speaker 2She crocheted for me a few years now and it's not because it looks good . She begged me to do an outfit for an event I have coming up where I'll be on stage . I tried to let her down gently and said I had a dress being tailored as we speak . She said I could wear that that one is something else , but that I should wear something she made Because it would be special and a bonding experience for us . Bitches , make you wear your like shitty their shitty ass clothes and be like . It's a bonding experience , no , but like . I feel like it'd bring us closer together .
Speaker 2Her mom , my sister-in-law , is telling me that I care way too much about my appearance and my image . It's an event related to my career . The last thing I need to do is walk up on stage in something that doesn't fit or looks like it was made with a sheet . Damn , you're getting harassed . My career is the most important thing in the world to me right now . Obviously , for my sister-in-law , her child is the most important thing in her life right now .
Speaker 2But am I correct to put my career ahead of her child's feelings ? Or do my values automatically make me the asshole and the wrong make me in the wrong ? Okay , look , I personally am at an age where I'm like I'm not in the business of doing people favors . Like it's like okay , like just because this one girl's like looking up youtube tutorials and like , oh , I want to get into knitting , baby . I don't want to look like shit . Oh , oh , my god , wait , you're like doing a passion project .
Speaker 2I don't want to like embarrass myself again . Make her like a dress that she can lounge away in . Make her a dress that she doesn't give a fuck about when she's grilling out . Make her a nightgown everyone wins . No one sees it like I don't .
Speaker 2I think that's crazy . I also think it's crazy that , like the sister-in-law is like really , you give that much , that you care that much about your appearance . Yeah , it's my career . I don't want this fuck ass acrylic dress . That you're dumb , that your dumb ass daughter is learning from YouTube . Also , it's like hey , baby , like how about you practice a little bit more and then , like , once you figure it out , then I will maybe slip into something a little bit more uncomfortable and uglier , but until then , let's like work on your craft . I also again , just like .
Speaker 2I think the like art of like doing favors for someone , when it's like comes out the expense of yourself , it's like I don't care , sorry , don't actually give a shit . Um , you're not in the wrong the , you're untalented . Your untalented niece is in the wrong baby . We've all seen those scarves . My god , okay , this is like her passion project . Okay , well then it can be her passion project . Why is it coming at my expense ? Why do I need to look ugly because you want to like try to start to knit ? You can like knit me something , but I'm not going to wear it to like a huge work presentation . Anyway , you are not in the wrong and I'm going to call the girl right now . Obviously , I don't have her number , so I'm just going to hey , go for a breath .
Speaker 2Hey , queen , how are you Busy with your sewing projects ? Ah , I've heard , yeah , I heard you're really talented and shit like that Very cool . Oh wait , I heard you might want to make a dress for your aunt , for her big working vet . Oh , my god , what if she just wore something cute instead ? Yeah , since you don't really have any experience , yeah , you remember the acrylic scarf , not the best . Baby , like , keep following your passions , baby , like , genuinely like , if you keep working hard at this for the next like 10 years , like my god , um , you might be something . Um , but for now , let's just put the needles down and let your aunt buy a designer dress . Let her buy a designer dress . Oh well , good luck , baby . You have a long ways to go , but I'm so proud of you , genuinely . Oh , thank you .
Speaker 2She said she liked the podcast . Aw , well , maybe you can come on someday . All right , love you too , girl . She . Honestly , I actually kind of feel bad for saying the things that I said . She's very sweet , again , wildly untalented , but like she really does have a good heart , just wear the dress , it doesn't fucking matter , it's just your career .
running away from the camping canoe challenge
Speaker 2Next , on dialing in we're gonna be dialing in . Wait , what's the fucking shtick of this podcast ? I don't , I'm having a tough time with it , baby . Read the title , watch the promo video , watch an episode . I dare you I'm kidding , by the way , I'm a sweetheart . I'm a sweetheart anyways . We're gonna be dialing in a national park employee .
Speaker 2I have very little camping experience , um , and I would say I am an outdoorsy person , but I hate the outdoors . If that makes sense , like I like being outdoors , I'm not going camping . What do you mean ? What do you mean I'm sleeping in a tent . I also just think , like national parks like beautiful . First of all , let's protect them at all costs . I don't even think I need to go , I don't know if it's for me .
Speaker 2You know , one time I did this church camp thing which , like , I've gone to the church camp before and it's like a very like , oh , we're in dorms , oh , we have a , a swimming pool , oh , game room , game room , like very like fun . And then my mom accidentally signed me up for the camping canoe challenge portion of that . So it's like I had one night of like the like , luxurious , like dining hall food , and then the next morning they actually didn't tell us . They didn't tell us . I don't know how the fuck my mom didn't like clock this , but then like cut to me loading up a bus at 7 am the next morning with my two best friends going out into the middle of fucking nowhere not on my watch , baby . And it's also like camp counselors are so bizarre . And again , like at the time , it's like , oh , like you don't realize it because it's like what , I'm 11 , I don't fucking know anything . But like , looking back at it , it's like kind of Ew , like you're spending the summer with 11-year-olds hey , creep Kidding . He's probably a good guy , but no , I did have to do the camping canoe challenge , which was the worst week of my life , genuinely .
Speaker 2I had to sleep in a tent . I had to canoe every single day , again as an 11-year-old . Like , why are we making 11-year-olds do anything besides like shitting and jumping on trampolines ? Like shitting and jumping on trampolines , like that's all that . Like I should have been doing is like eating cookies for after school snacks and jumping on a trampoline . Meanwhile I'm I'm canoeing every fucking morning , building a tent every single morning . Also , the thing that was so insane we stayed at the same campground every single day . Tell me why the fuck we had to take the tent down and then put it up , just like as like a disciplinary thing . Baby , I'm here on camp . This is supposed to be fun . What do you mean I'm ? Why are we doing that ? Also , I had to eat like all the food over . Like the fireplace . Fireplace , I mean , I mean a bonfire , even obviously have a fucking fireplace again .
Speaker 2I thought I was having this cushy like christian summer camp week . No , hell , week from hell . I've never had more mosquito bites . Also , like , again , the weird ass camp counselor . This like stuck with me like all of these years . I'm like 47 years old now and I still remember this .
Speaker 2Every single time the camp counselor would get into our shared tent which , again , I don't need to be sleeping in the same tent as , like a 25 year old , as an 11 year old boy like that's something should get your own tent bitch . Like that's weird . Anyways , every single time he would come into the tent to go to bed , farting the entire way , farting the entire way , and we all would like clock it because we could hear him farting . He's like oh , don't worry , they're just air farts , they don't smell maybe . I don't want . I don't even want your air farts . Why are you getting in here while farting ? Just fart outside . My god , why would you put us through that ? We've gone through fucking enough .
Speaker 2I had to take this tent down and put it back up seven fucking times anyways , it got to a point where me and my friend um , snuck out of the tent with a bag of starbursts and we went and sat in like the little rest area and we're like we have to run away . No phone , literally no way out . We were like 100 miles away from even the camp that we were at . We got to get out of here . So everything we're like when is like the best time to run , run where , run where ? Baby again , worst week of my fucking life so I hate , I
dialing in a national park employee
Speaker 2don't like camping I don't like camping , but I just have so much like .
Speaker 2I have so many questions around , like that type of person who's like very outdoorsy and like people who go to national parks , I always feel like it's like either the like such , like fucking intense , like outdoorsy people or just like the dumbest people you know , with a camelback water bottle , with a water thing , you know like the backpack , with a water thing , that like are so fucking dumb . Also , like , what's the bathroom situation ? I've always like I'm like if you are like , are like really camping , where do you shit ? Because I don't think I'm at a stage in my life or ever will be at a stage in my life where I'm gonna dig a hole to take a dump . Also like like again , I'm not digging a hole for anything , yet alone digging a hole , squatting over it and sharding over it . Also , how do I wipe my ass ? There's no toilet paper . What am I supposed to use ? Also , it's like oh , if you use toilet paper , you need to find a way to get rid of that . I'm not .
Speaker 2No , do we talk about those bathrooms , like sometimes restaurants will have like bathrooms ? It's like , don't put anything in here , including toilet paper . What the fuck do you mean by that ? I just wipe my ass and you want me to put it in the little like trash can next to it ? That's so fucking gross . Our pipes are old . Yeah well , this place is gonna smell like a fucking shithole in two seconds . Is it really get your pipes fixed ?
Speaker 2Also , like , again , I've talked ad nauseum about being able to fight a bear . I just really like , I want to be like prepared in situations where it's like , again , I don't want to punch a bear . I never want to punch a bear . How do I respond , though ? Again , like , if I could kill a bear , if I had to , if I fucking had to , can I , though ? What are the rules ? Anyways ? So yeah , anyways . So dialing in a national park employee . Hello , becca lynn . Hi , how are you ? I'm so excited to be talking to you today , so can you like give us just like a brief intro of your job and what you do ?
Speaker 1yes , so I work in grand teton national park . Um , I work at some of the busiest areas within the park . We deal with a lot of tourists , a lot of wildlife .
Speaker 2What would you say ? The most annoying part of your job is Tourists . What specifically ?
Speaker 1Very unprepared tourists going for hikes , folks that have never been outside or don't know what to expect when going into that country . In the area of the park that I work , we see black bears every day .
Speaker 2How should we be acting around black bears specifically ? Is it different between bears ? Because aren't some bears you're supposed to kind of almost beef up and make a scene , and then some you're supposed to make yourself teeny tiny , and then when do you use the spray also as well ?
Speaker 1Here's the rundown . Okay , so when interacting with anything big , so I would say there's most um elk , specifically , do elks like attack , or are they just like ? No , they don't but , like with any big animal , if you're in their space for too long , like they can get nervous and you know nervous right now , kidding .
Speaker 2But then the black bears that we have in our area .
Speaker 1They're usually pretty small bears are territorial . So where there the black bears that we have in our area they're usually pretty small Bears are territorial . So where there's black bears , there are usually grizzlies . Grizzlies are the ones that most people are scared of , just in general , but the black bears that I see every day are usually about the size of a German shepherd . They don't want to deal with you , they just want to use the trails .
Speaker 2They want to eat some berries . Um , and pass on by . Wait , the bears want to use the trails or they want us to use the trail .
Speaker 1Yeah , they're hiking too . Oh yeah , yeah , they'll use all the same trails that we do .
Speaker 2I don't know it seems not to be hiking if , like , the bears are even doing it . Okay , I've been randomly talking about how I think I could like fight a bear if necessary obviously never punching or like fighting anything without prompting . I'm going to give you my stats really fast . I'm 6'3" Okay , there's no getting around that and I'm about 200 pounds sopping wet , mm-hmm . Like do you think I could take ? Would you say all bears or would you just say most ?
Speaker 1I feel good about that . Definitely not all bears , maybe a small bear .
Speaker 2You think a grizzly could take me ? Be honest , like genuinely , I just need to know now .
Speaker 1Girl , they're like 600 pounds .
Speaker 2Okay , I take HIIT workout classes .
Speaker 1I think you'd last longer than a lot of folks would . Aw , I'll give you that . Yeah , you could put up like a really good fight .
Speaker 2Okay , yeah , that's like honestly what I wanted , because , like I feel like it's just like everyone when they talk about bears . It's just like , yeah , you're dead and I'm like I just want someone to be like you know what , honestly looking at you , I think you would have a good shot and that's I could walk away knowing that , like I could put up a fight . Are you like what , minding my fucking business ? Yeah , I'm doing the hike , he's doing the hike . We're both just kind of staying in our lanes and she goes a little bit south and I'm like whoa , whoa . At what point am I like pushing , fighting , scratching ?
Speaker 1versus like running , fleeing , screaming , usually like bear spray , is the most effective form of like fighting that we have against what is in a bear spray like they just say they it's like a super concentrated , like mace oh yeah , um , but bear spray is usually like your best form of um protection against big animals . Um , you usually don't deploy unless you know you're getting attacked or like they're invading your space in an aggressive way .
Speaker 2Okay , how long does bear spray take them out ? Is it just like two minutes ? Of like ah , my fucking eyes . And then it's like all right , we're back .
Speaker 1It's usually just a deterrent , so you like spray it in a general direction , like at a downward angle , like towards the trail in front of you , and then usually they just decide that they don't want to go through that again and go on their merry way why are we shooting down ? If you don't mind me asking , if you spray upwards with bear spray , it's more likely that'll get caught in the wind and come back into your face that's what I thought I was going to say .
Speaker 2The wind , like what emergencies would you say is like the most common thing that these tourists are getting themselves into where you have to say , um yeah , heat stroke and uh , tripping and falling .
Speaker 1I think , yeah , yeah , you gotta be careful . Most common deaths in america stroke and tripping and falling . My god do you have a ?
Speaker 2camelback water bottle with one of those sucking things I'm sorry what do you have one of those like camelback water bottles ? It's like a backpack that you can suck through the straw um , I do , but I don't wear it every day . It's like for backpacking I was just like , was curious , because I feel like , if I was hiking , I would do that , but then it's like there's a level of like pretentiousness , but then it's like , baby , this is the best bet . Like what do you mean ?
Speaker 1yeah , but then it's like damn , I really have a backpack full of water , don't I huh ?
Speaker 2what about snakes ? I don't fuck with snakes , even in the slightest Are they there ?
Speaker 1Hey , you know what ? No , Grand Teton National Park has garden like gardener snakes and that's it .
Speaker 2I don't even know if I can do that .
Speaker 1It's too high of elevation . They're just like little garden snakes , like they're usually , like maybe two feet long . It's really honestly not about the size . They're very small .
Speaker 2They don't bite people , it's kind of just like a general , like prejudice now I have against snakes or I don't give a fuck about any of them . Again , I really haven't ever had a bad interaction with a snake , but I've never had a good one .
Speaker 1I did see a snake eat a fish the other day at the river . That was kind of cool .
Speaker 2You saw who eat a what .
Speaker 1I saw a snake eat a fish .
Speaker 2You're like baby , you're fine , they're just garnishing . Yeah , I just ate a fish .
Speaker 1Okay , the fish was two inches long . Two inches long , okay .
Speaker 2Well , I'm only 200 pounds , so you can take a bear or at least put up a fight with a bear , you'll be fine , but that's the thing . That's like . I don't even know why I think this , but I'm like , yeah , I could take a bear , but like a gardener's snake I don't know my odds , since you work at a state park and you kind of sorry oh , it's sorry god damn it .
Speaker 1Such a fucking idiot sometimes so stupid , since you work at a national park and you kind of on the pulse of , like you know , the environment and and shit like that are you like , oh , our planet is going to shit .
Speaker 2Or are you like optimistic , because it is like a place that people come to experience nature and the outdoors ?
Speaker 1um , definitely some of both . I do think that , like , the national parks give people more experience and how , like their actions make an impact on the world and it's easier to see , like the effects of erosion and , you know , human , like waste being left on the trails , and there's , there's more perspective that people get when they visit a national park . Um , and usually I think it makes people care more about the great outdoors in general how , like ?
Speaker 2what percentage of people would you say are like mindful to the rules versus like not giving a fuck and just doing whatever they ?
Speaker 1want I'd say like 75 , are like really respectful people have just been like shitting in the park .
Speaker 2Shitting sorry , Like just anywhere .
Speaker 1Like on the trails .
Speaker 2What and everywhere .
Speaker 1Part of my job has been like educating people , like not to do that .
Speaker 2Have you caught someone in the act of taking a shot in public ?
Speaker 1Oh my , god , no , okay , so we have like an employee parking lot and in this employee parking lot there was in between two of our like utility trailers somebody had taken a shit and left their underwear in between . Yeah , I'm not joking .
Speaker 2Did you have to do something about that ?
Speaker 1I mean , my boss had to go back there and like clean it up , but I was the one that discovered it and it was shocking , that's horrible .
Speaker 2Is the bathroom situation that bad that people are shitting anywhere , shitting in the parking lot ?
Speaker 1typically no , I mean . The thing is they were like a three minute walk from an actual bathroom yeah , I'm just gonna shit in the ploy lot , but thanks not doing a three minute walk .
Speaker 2I'll just take a dump here .
Speaker 1Thank you , though that's so insane's so insane and leave my undies .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's crazy . Also , like you're just like reballing a hike now .
Speaker 1My God , uh-huh .
Speaker 2Wow , I can't even imagine how bad they're going to be chafing .
Speaker 1But what is ?
Speaker 2one thing you want people to know about your job or national parks in general .
Speaker 1Just to be patient , national parks you know the folks that work there , especially with , like this administration . There's been like some changes , um , so it gives people some extra grace . Understand that it's busy because it's a beautiful place and that it will be worth a wait . Give your fellow travelers and the employees some patience and that will take you a very , very long way .
Speaker 2And how can we help ? Kind of you .
Speaker 1You know , protect the national parks and good things like that make sure you're visiting the visitor centers , you're learning about the history of the place , learn about the native tribes in the area , the history and the conservation efforts that are going on in each park , because they are so different and there's so many beautiful things that are happening to make sure that these beautiful places stay wild .
Speaker 2Wow , these beautiful places stay wild is like holy shit shivers down my spine . I'm going to get that actually tattooed on my lower back . What about the park rangers ? Are they like really intense ?
Speaker 1Yeah , but I think like as they should be , like nobody's like intense in an asshole way .
Speaker 2Right , and it's like hey , also don't shit in our parking lot . Thanks , can anyone take out any of the rentals ? Or are you doing like background checks , or is it just like fuck it go ?
Speaker 1It's just canoes and kayaks . So as long as they're over the age of five Five , yeah , we don't let little ones on there Five-year-olds can take those things out by themselves . No , no , okay , God .
Speaker 2No , they have to do with an adult , okay how old do you have to be to take one out by yourself ? 18 , 18 , fuck , yeah , I can do that . Damn . I'm just imagining a little five year old now doing it by himself .
Speaker 1Can't legally so sorry that most of my stories have been about poop no , it's okay .
Speaker 2Honestly , I just didn't realize that like poop was such a big thing in national parks like . But now that I'm thinking about like where would you shit besides the employee ? Parking lot between two cars . Can you start your own fire ?
Speaker 1sure can oh hell can you ?
Speaker 2god no thank you so much for coming on dialing in with brett . You were truly such a treat and I'm like , feel like very comfortable about bears now and very confident in my , in my chances thanks to you . The gardener snakes I'm fucked with . But thank you so much . All right , we'll talk soon .
Speaker 1Thank , you bye wow , just wow .
Speaker 2I really can't get over like the poop thing like again , like obviously there's like more important things that she talked about . If someone took a fucking shit in my parking lot on and I had to clean it up , I'm not doing that I .
Speaker 1That's where I draw the line is shit .
Speaker 2That kind of makes me want to go outside more Like not like very much go outside Like I want to do like an elementary style hike right now with no snakes , I would do a few bears . That was Becca the national park employee . Did I call it a state park ? And probably would be , and it probably was a little bit disrespectful to her job title .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2National Park . She's not a state park employee . Why the fuck would she do that ? And I guess the main takeaway is just please don't shit in the woods . That's another thing . Like obviously I'm not going to shit in the parking lot . I also don't see myself shitting on the ground and picking it up with a bag of poop , like what ? No , I'm not doing that . So again , maybe I just won't go camping . Do people just shit on the grounds when they go camping ? Like obviously there's some like shelter things , but like if you're going camping , camping , you are shitting in the woods . The only time I can shit is like when I'm in the comfort of my own home , hunched over my phone scrolling TikToks . Like I'm not doing that Shit is sacred to me . I'm not doing that outside . I'm not getting a plethora of leaves to cover
cohosting with megan thee stallion
Speaker 2my shit randomly . Here's a story again like I just like I've been recently thinking about , just like weird fucking moments I've had that . Like I just like have looked past and now I'm like what ?
Speaker 2One time when I moved , when I moved to LA , I would take any job , any opportunity . I was working random ass jobs . I was driving instacart for a full year , which was horrible , truly horrible and I have so much respect for people who , like drive people's groceries or like delivery drivers , because people are so mean . It would be like oh , they're out of like the bigger box of Wheat Thins . Here's the exact same fucking box , but like slightly smaller . Like , can I replace that ? No , no , what other options do they have ? Baby , this is the only option , and then they would live in like a 16 million dollar home and wouldn't tip you at all . Anyways , it's horrible . Again would say yes to anything . And one time this came across my desk .
Speaker 2Uh , someone was like hey , I have like a really cool project . Like , are you usually the lead man me ? Never booked anything in my life , ever . Yes , I'm the lead fucking man . Are you kidding me ? You think I do background shit ? I was only background acting at this point . No , yeah , baby , I am the lead man and it was for a Megan Thee Stallion show and I was the lead man and I haven't talked about this much , but yeah , I was the lead man of a Megan Thee Stallion show . I obviously called my mom freaking out .
Speaker 2I was like I'm hosting a show with Megan Thee Stallion . Don't know why they chose my bunk ass , but this is like , wow , this is gonna change my life . Show up to work the first day . They're like , okay , so here you're actually gonna go to this U-Haul place , um , and you're gonna pick something up for us . Uh , as the lead man Great , yeah , that makes sense .
Speaker 2As the talent to go pick up a U-Haul Great , get there , you will be driving this semi-truck . Okay , usually just behind this , usually just in front of the camera . You know kind of the life of the party and shit . Again , haven't booked anything ever . Okay , so I had to drive a fucking semi-truck . Obviously , I have no experience driving a semi truck . Sure , fuck it , I have to drive 45 minutes to pick someone else up with this semi truck . Again , I'm like this really doesn't seem like my job . But again , I'm just happy to help wherever I'll help the small guys . Sure , like I get it , Like I am the star of the show , but fuck it , I'll drive a semi , drive 45 minutes to pick up the other person . They open the trunk , it's the wrong semi . Cool , cool , really cool . So I had to drive back to the U-Haul , get a different semi and then I had to drive two hours to location .
Speaker 2Anyways , lead man does not mean you are the lead of the show . It means you are like an art director . How the fuck was I supposed to know that ? Also like me so constantly ? Yes , I am the lead man . That's always . That's kind of like my role all the time . And then I got to set . How long have you been doing art directing ? Oh , my god , I look at what a lead man is . Yeah , it's art directing . So I built a set . So I was building the set of the Megan Thee Stallion show . Didn't even like really get to talk to Megan at all . Kind of brainstormed some interview questions and shit like that just in case . Didn't use them . Didn't use them . I built a set and it was like a dog themed thing . So I built a dog set . Thanks , had to put together like a dog futon , like it was a futon for a dog .
Speaker 2Again thought my life was going to be forever changed because I'm doing a show with Megan Thee Stallion , not really a lead man so , um , yeah , the show was like a snapchat show , so like , even if I was the host probably wouldn't have changed my life , but it like is so insane like telling pretty much everyone I know that I'm hosting a show with Megan Thee Stallion cut to me like cutting ribbon , cut to me running errands and driving a semi truck . So that's why I don't tell anyone anything until that's a lie . I tell everyone ever I'm like , that's why I'm a closed book me , never keeping anything to myself ever . Yeah , I'm just like shy and shit like that , something
dressing cool or looking hot
Speaker 2that I've been kind of wrestling with . Right now I do like I do like to dress up . Okay , do I think I have good style ? Yeah , yeah , I fucking do . And it's gotten to a weird point now where it's like I'm trying to decide , like , if I want to like , what is more important to me dressing cool or looking hot . And there is a difference . There is a difference . I feel like the less I do , the better I look , but the more I do , the cooler I look . And so I got invited to this dinner the other week and I decided to go cool . I decided to go cool rather than hot .
Speaker 2Obviously I look like a lesbian respectfully in every single picture I took . Okay , which , is there anything wrong with being a lesbian ? No , I love it . I personally don't need to look like a lesbian randomly . Um , and it was , it was my damn sunglasses , it was my damn sunglasses and of course I had to keep them on for every single picture . So I just it's , it's , it's tough . But then again it's like oh , hi , cool guy . So it begs a question , it really begs a question . Um , so I again , if you see me looking , just know I'm . I , I'm aware of that and I know that it's I could look hotter , but I'm going to if I'm . If I'm looking mid , it's because I'm going cool , but if I'm looking hot , it's because I'm not trying hard enough .
Speaker 2Anyways , all attached to the picture I like can't even look at again , like my dysmorphia goes fucking nuts , which is great . But then it's also like , oh , but like do I genuinely kind of look like a woman in some of these stills ? Also , my haircut's tough , my haircut's really tough right now . Like it's kind of like a bowl , cut messy , not clean , and then like all my features like are very interesting right now . Also ,
a caricature artist's wet dream
Speaker 2I want to get a caricature artist on here . I think a caricature artist would have a fucking field day with my face .
Speaker 2I'm like terrified , like that is like probably one of my biggest fears is going to a caricature artist because it's like what do you mean ? Like they're going to have like I feel like a caricature artist like just makes all of your features bigger . But I'm like baby , mine already got like max capacity . You can't blow this shit up anymore . But I'm sure they would , and I can't like my nose . I could not see what a character artist would do with that and I don't think I'm in a headspace to see all my features blown the fuck up because again they are blown .
Speaker 2Already I like wanted to get a nose job
nose job
Speaker 2for so long just because , like my nose is fucked . But then I just got to a point where it's like whatever , it's fucked , but it's me , um , but I would always talk to my friends , mostly kidding about being like no , I'm seriously like gonna get a nose job . And then one of my friend's moms actually said , oh , bright , you don't need to get a nose job , which I'm like , oh , my god really . And she's like , yeah , because all of your features are big , so it works for you . What was that baby . And then , like I was like , oh like , you have a big mouth , you have big eyes , you have a big . I'll stop you right there .
Speaker 2I will stop you right there . Um , we don't even need to talk about the size of any of my features unless it's you know what kidding . But yeah , I would get fucked by a character artist . But , that being said , I do think it'd be fun on the podcast just to kind kind of see maybe even a video element of . Maybe I'll just have him sit right here and just kind of just have fun with it . Again , it will like completely ruin my life , but it could be like a fun , fun episode .
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Speaker 2Anyways , thank you guys so much for listening to episode three of Dialing In . It's so crazy because I feel like I've been doing this for like three years , but then it's also like there are literally three episodes out . I'm going to get you guys to like this podcast . It's the last fucking thing I do . I'm not letting this flop , and right now is it flopping ? No , it's getting like 78 likes on reels bitch . We're not flopping , but once you guys get it , you guys guys are going to love it , and if you don't , oh God , oh God , I'm going to start posting more on TikTok organic content , because y'all eat that shit up like a Snickers bar and then I , like you know , invest X amount of dollars into starting a podcast . Y'all don't like it . Back to the old shit .
Speaker 2Anyways , truly , thank you so much for those of you who have been loving and supporting this podcast . I'm having a great time doing it . Remember , fill out that google form . It could . You can be anything . We just want to talk to interesting people who have interesting stories , interesting jobs . I just want to ask you dumb questions and if you want to talk to me about shit , do that also . I want to .
Speaker 2I want to be able to call someone in for am I in the wrong ? And tell them if they're actually in the wrong and that is a luxury I have not been able to have in the past couple weeks . Couple weeks , again , episode three . I recognize that I want to tell you if you're in the wrong , or , again , the person you're fighting with is in the wrong Again . That's kind of all I ever want to do is tell people that they're in the wrong . All right , love you guys . We'll revisit this next week . Let's talk next week and until then , just blow the shit up . Blow my shit up , just absolutely like . Comment , subscribe the hell out of everything on all platforms , all streaming , streaming , um , also like , if you're watching this on youtube , like it right now what are you doing ? And also comment , like you guys can do , that you guys can also subscribe to like . Okay , you're watching and not subscribing , why that hurts my feelings a pretty good bit . Anyways , I love you guys hey .