Dialing In with Brett
It’s sad, really. No one wants to start a podcast nowadays — so Brett stepped up. Dialing In with Brett is a dry-comedy show where comedian Brett Neustrom does what any curious (but lazy) person would do: cold calls people with his “hard-hitting” questions. Are all “boy moms” secretly in love with their sons? Do parking enforcement officers ever feel guilty? Do old people have sex in nursing homes? Brett’s got the questions. The guests have the answers. And you? I’m sure you probably have nothing better to do.
Critics are calling his unserious, light-hearted, and wildly dramatic interrogations a brilliant way to nourish the human psyche. (No critics have written in, but I’m sure they’d say something along those lines.)
New episodes drop every Thursday… Now, let’s dial the f*ck in.
Dialing In with Brett
6. do pilots even like when we clap when they land??
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This week on Dialing In with Brett, Brett reveals who his recipients for Variety’s Power of Young Hollywood would be, reflects on influencer events, and dials in a flight attendant and a pilot.
Tell us about your weird ass job, hobby, experience, etc. for the chance to be ‘dialed in’: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSerqy2sHRFesTn65EgKxevOoT-plK7VzxUk4nMqkmz-E-pFKw/viewform?usp=header
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going triple platinum
Speaker 2hi, this is brett. I was dialing you in because I had a question. I there's no way. Hello god, what a dick. Hello, hello, dialing in hers. Welcome back to episode six.
Speaker 2Um, I feel good about this one, I feel really good about this one. Y'all, we are gaining momentum, not gaining followers. Kidding, I'm sorry I have to be so self-deprecating about how few views we have. We're gonna go fucking triple platinum and the next amount of time, and so I'm not worried about it, but until then I will just complain about how few people are watching this. Anyways, let's cut the shit, let's get into it. We have a big, big, big episode today. We just filmed both the calls yeah, two calls, got that part.
me, chris from love island, and that pitch perfect guy
Speaker 2I'm also trying to cost less, trying to cuss less. I did holly edits the videos. I re-listened to them. Um, kind of have the final, final, say, final cut pro. A lot of cussing, a lot of f-bombs. That I'm not comfortable with, a lot of likes too. So I'm trying to completely cut out, like, and I'm limiting my fF bombs unless completely necessary, which I think it's completely necessary all the time. I just look kind of like vulgar, okay, who literally gives a fuck, randomly, like, egypt is one of our top countries. Yeah, we're going to do a fucking tour in Egypt. Egypt, mansion, egypt. Shout out hey, that's what I do it for. I don't do it for the local hires. I don't do it for this, that or the other, I do it for Egypt. Let's get into it. Let's talk about my week Starting off with I went to an event this week and I go to events Every now and again.
Speaker 2I don't love them. It feels very high school In a way that I am not comfortable with. I don't love talking to people. I don't love talking to people I don't know, especially in a world where it's like, oh, we kind of all know each other, but we also don't know each other at all. Tell me why. I was in an event with Chris from Love Island and also the lead guy from Pitch Perfect and me in a suite for a Dodgers game. Like, the three of us should never exist in the same world yet alone a suite at a Dodgers game. Hey, hey, y'all. Hi Obviously didn't talk to either of them, because what would we have to talk about?
Speaker 3Did you learn the cup song?
Speaker 2No, I can't remember. I feel like I got maybe after about like 17 cocktails one time. Someone taught it to me, I don't remember. I feel like I got maybe after about like 17 cocktails one time. Someone taught it to me, I don't remember it. If you knew the cup song in. When did Pitch Perfect even come out?
Speaker 3Like middle school.
Speaker 2Yeah, the bitches who knew the cup song in middle school like fucked, like there's no getting around it. If you knew the cup song, you were also like giving head at that age. It just like, okay, ran through, ran through, got that fucking part, um. So that's why I learned at a later age, because I wasn't fucking that early anyways. Yeah, what do you mean? We're all in the same suite right now. It's always just like the most like insane, just group of people.
Speaker 2We have nothing in common except for the fact that, like we post online and it's like okay, cool, well, we're going to put all of y'all in a suite and we'll give you some nachos and a health aid, kombucha and y'all do your thing. Great, I won't talk to anyone, but I also the events where they're like you can't bring a plus one. Cool, I will be silent and weird the entire time, thanks. Do they ever do icebreakers for you guys? No, which I'm like glad they don't, because I'm not gonna go like um, baboon brett, um, we have crocodile chris to my left and adi what's the fuck ass guy? Um, and skylar the snake popcorn to the season two bachelorette.
Speaker 2I'm also like something that's bad that I probably need to be better at. I don't care about networking. That's probably why this podcast has 15 views Like that's like I really my career could be completely different if I like cared enough to be like oh, this is a room that I should be in and I should be talking to people. I'd rather my career just completely plateau and I don't have to talk to people. Then, like Skylar, what was it like? Wait?
Speaker 2tell me what I was like I'm just probably what was it? Okay, chris, let's hear the real. Well, obviously I do want to hear that. I that was like very real. Why do you pick up Huda just?
Speaker 1pick up.
brett’s young hollywood variety picks
Speaker 2Huda. Like that's the thing with Chris. Like I actually rode for Chris but then he didn't pick Huda up on the way out. Y'all like you could have just been like the perfect man and then you just left her in like that weird little island swamp thing with the musician playing just get the girl out of here. Like she just just like pick her up. I did go an event with like all of the love island people and it was a young variety Hollywood event which, like should I have been invited? Probably not unsure why I was invited, but I was and then also the like entire love island cast which like again like not saying I have any talent or anything to offer, but like the whole thing was like oh, this is like the new generation of Hollywood, we're gonna take over the industry, like we are like the creators and the all.
Speaker 2And then it's just like oh, y'all like made out aggressively on public television and now, like you guys are like the cream of the fucking crop, now y'all are running hollywood shit. I'm gonna go on love island season eight. Then, my god, I would love my life to just be kind of set up indefinitely, but instead here I am making a podcast for 15 views wait.
Speaker 3So they gave the young variety awards to three people, right, yes, okay, if you could hand out three. Sydney, sweeney syd.
jeans or whatever
Speaker 2Sydney Sweeney, her American Eagle jeans and baggy Easy Sydney Sweeney. Sydney Sweeney's jeans and then Sydney Sweeney's genetics would be my young variety. Three Big three. Like no one has changed the industry, like her jeans and her genetics, trying to think of any, no, that's it. Have I talked about the Republicans? Reaction to Okay, obviously, sydney Sweeney got like soft canceled. We also found out she's Republican. She went to the Donald Trump birthday party, whatever. And then also the genetics thing is like weird as fuck.
Speaker 2It's so funny to see Republicans back Sydney Sweeney, which I'm like y'all literally would call her an H. Y'all literally would call her an h. Y'all literally would call her a w h o r? E. And now they're like wait, I just spent 7k at American Eagle. This is a good ass ad. It's literally just her rack. They're like standing Sydney Sweeney's massive rack and her like mid jeans. Just because they're like are pissed that people are getting upset that this campaign was controversial. Controversial because this campaign was controversial. I love that. Like these, like old ass bats who like hate gay people are like fuck, yeah, I'm taking my money and I'm going to american eagle right now and I'm gonna be vocal about it. I love that shit y'all are so fucking stupid.
house might be haunted but the wood paneling😍
Speaker 2buy those jeans. They're probably horrible quality and won't look good on you, so enjoy. I'm going to protect my peace. I'm also sweating like nobody's fucking business. It's hot as hell in this garage. If you see a bead of sweat, can I actually have a paper towel Like I'm so fucking gross? Don't ask.
Speaker 1The garage is the perfect segue to mention the house that you were thinking about buying yeah, I was gonna buy a fucking house not thinking about buying.
Speaker 2He literally got on a call with cory from the midwest you can go from not looking at houses to getting on calls with lenders to buy a house in 15 minutes. So, um, my girls, um, who I hired and made, move out here for the summer. I actually said you know what? The summer's not good enough. You have to uproot your life in New York and move out here right fucking now. Oh, wait yeah, so I guess this is a PSA to all of our friends, we are moving.
Speaker 2Yes, if you guys know Holly and Bailey, they are not coming back to New York. Bitch, sold them from you. Anyways, we were looking at a new apartment for them. I got inspired. I just hopped on Zillow, found the first house I liked. Okay, let's go see it.
Speaker 2She did say at one point someone died in that house and they said, since it's within the past three years, we have to disclose of that. And I didn't know how to feel about that. I was like, okay, definitely not ideal, but like like I can see past it. I don't know if I can, I don't know if I can. Anyways, I didn't get the house. I went to visit it seconds after I found Onzillo, fell in love with the place definitely a fixer upper. I was would willing to fix her up hopped on a call with Leonard.
Speaker 2It all happened really fast. Long story short didn't get the place, um, and then I watched a scary movie about like people being possessed by demons, and so that was kind of just in the back of my head where it's like I would be, like I don't think it's gonna be an issue, but like cut to me, like I don't. Like if I got possessed, I think I wouldn't even be like like that would just would piss me off, like that would just be another thing where I'm like everything is something, everything is hard cut to me, being like possessed by a demon. I'm like I can't like.
Speaker 1Brett loved the details in the house so much that he didn't care that there was no dishwasher no central air conditioning.
Speaker 2Who cares? I don't sweat, so it's not an issue for me.
Speaker 1He needed major repairs. The floors were caving in.
Speaker 2I'll take it. Who cares about that?
Speaker 3shit's about the stove was like a fire hazard okay, but the wood panelings?
Speaker 2you guys, I am not fucking kidding, you were so insane. I just like want a house because I want to be able to like do shit with it. Yeah also, I'm like, yeah, let me buy a house after I just made my entire garage into a studio yeah, so we literally, like, spent what a little over a month making this studio, perfecting it, etc.
Speaker 3Yeah, we can just film a few episodes from my bed, like that'll be fine in the new house transition period.
Speaker 2Um, I'm like we have we can film it in my bed while I'm doing complete renovation on the entire place, because it's unlivable. I wish I could show you guys the place, but then I mean y'all don't care. I am like scared about moving because, like, if I move, I want to do like moving content and like meaning like house. I love interior design. Fuck it, I do.
Speaker 1You were trying to justify it by saying you'd make so much content like baby you make list videos.
Speaker 2That was fucking mean. I used to make list videos about just like things that I hated and then randomly people were like you're so negative. Okay, yeah, y'all got to know me a little bit better, I see. Um, so I've stopped making list videos since, but like that, like everyone used to comment all my shit, like more list videos. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. But yeah, I was like no, like this will be good for me, because the reason why I haven't been posting ever is because I'm not living in a house that I have to completely reconstruct and renovate. So if I bought this house that I have to do complete reconstruction to, then I might film more videos. Organic content yeah, there was some like weird shit. There was like a hail mary, what do you call it? Virgin?
Speaker 1oh, just mary.
am i in the wrong??
Speaker 2She goes by, mary, now you don't have to hail her. Um, inhaler mary, there was also like a bedroom where it's like, okay, I feel like I know where the woman died. There was like a bedroom that it was like, yeah, like a bitch died here recently. So I didn't get the place. But, like my God, you know, we can't do a dial in with Brett episode without an. Am I in the mother wrong? That was I edited that myself because I'm not cussing as much. I did look at the transcript. I don't know. You like you know the transcript in the podcast Holy F bombs, holy F-bombs, holy F-ing F-bombs, my F-ing. Like wow, anyways, am I in the wrong? I always like preface, I'm like cussing less, and then I'm like, okay, well, like obviously I'm still going to cuss in the next four seconds after, so it kind of defeats the purpose. But so it like kind of defeats the purpose.
Speaker 1But it's a nice what I also just think you can't be that funny if you don't cuss.
Speaker 2Oh frick like shut the hell up.
Speaker 1I love it okay am I in the wrong?
Speaker 2okay. I had to fly recently for work and I was seated in the middle seat with a mom and her kid in my row. The mom had an aisle and the kid had a window. I asked the mom if she and her son had the seats they wanted and she said yes. I then took a couple of Dramamine, put a sleep mask and a medical mask on. I don't think you need both. Oh wait, that's like a COVID mask. I'm kidding, put that on. Yeah, wear your mask. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Like I'm not an anti-mask and wrap myself in a blanket and pass out immediately.
Speaker 2I woke up 20 minutes before the plane landed and the mom was like oh, so now you wake up. And then she said something petty about thinking I was dead. Okay, you're fine. I made a joke about flying making me feel dead and she got mad at me for making jokes when I was so rude to pass out so hard that she was blocked off from her son the whole flight. Am I in the wrong for sleeping on a flight? I thought that was normal. You're so fine. I'm gonna just like immediately, you are fine. I would be rude in this situation like you are completely in the right. Also, you gave the mom one opportunity to like switch with you so she can say nothing at all. I was like, oh, wow, you slept on a flight. What the fuck else am I gonna do? What else are you supposed to do on a flight? Genuinely, also, your kid's gonna be fine. Also like blocked off, get up. Like if this girl was like passed out, like it'd be one thing. If she was like passed out and you need to go to the bathroom, which is like still not her fault, you can tap the girl. She's not dead. We found out. And I would be really shady if this lady was like oh, I thought you were dead. Oh, I thought I gave you an option to sit next to your son. Shut up, you are in the right. This mom is in the wrong. Why are you even flying with your kid? Anyway, leave your kid at home. I don't know why he's on a plane anyways. That's bad parenting. No, you're 100 in the right. This lady's gonna be so fine. Her son is gonna be even more fine. So I'll call the mom. Hey, what? Who is this? Oh, you're the mom. You're so fine, by the way.
Speaker 2Also, that comment was insane. Also, she wasn't dead. Also, she asked you if you wanted to sit next to your son and you said no and then, randomly, she slept on a plane. Because what else are you supposed to do? There's literally nothing else to do, and they're also like taking away screens on the plane, so it's actually making it harder to do anything else. And they randomly don't have like USB chargers so you can't even like charge your fucking phone. So, yeah, she took a nap. She was tired.
Speaker 2Okay, how old's your son? 11, he's 11 years old. And you were what, what did you need to do? Give him a fucking fruit roll up. You could pass it over the dead girl. Like I'm so sorry. You are so fine, you get, you will see him soon, you will see him shortly. You had eyes on the child the entire time. Also, he's 11, grow up. And that was like a really bitchy comment to say that girl, she was just sleeping. Okay, bye, I'm like so tired of dealing with other people's shit. Um, yeah, she was in the wrong, obviously. Why did you have a kid in the first place? Why was he on a flight? I don't know. I also like sleeping on a plane. You are either hot or you can fall asleep on the plane. So this girl's ugly, which I feel bad for, obviously, but also like let the ugly bitch sleep.
Speaker 3What's your opinion on people who like put a face mask on and heatless curlers? Pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me.
Speaker 2Nothing is ever that fucking deep where you have to do a full face on your flight. Does that answer your question, do?
Speaker 3you agree? Like, do you?
Speaker 2think that everyone's hotter in airport. Yeah, I literally would probably have sex with most people at the airport, just because it's like options are limited and I think just like a true four could be like an 8.5 at an airport, and especially if they're sitting next to me, then it's like holy shit, I'm getting head um but would you rather be like seated next to a hottie or an uggo, because I feel like I would be what time's the flight?
Speaker 3well, we know you like red eye, okay, so read my ass.
Speaker 2Yeah, I do fuck with a red eye. If it's a red eye, I like again, like can't really sleep unless I have like a perfect set up. So if I had a perfect setup and my boo, then I think I would. Yeah, I'm 10. I did like I was sitting next to this one guy who was like probably I'm not fucking with you like a three, but our elbows touched like twice on the plane and I'm like this is it, this is it, this is it. I also like couldn't fully look over because, like, if you look like more than like a 45 degree angle to your right, I would have been like staring at the gentleman. But then he got off the plane. I was like I can't believe. I like thought I was gonna start a life with him.
Speaker 2But again it's like what else do you do on a plane besides that?
Speaker 1when you're on a flight and say you think someone's hot, and then you see their phone screen like in front of you what's the most unattractive thing that they could be doing on their phone playing a game.
Speaker 2Yeah, I mean actually like I think the one time you're allowed to play phone games is if you're on a plane texting some other bitch would piss me off. Went like that. Um, I'm like a big, I'm really judgmental kidding what you no, I'm kidding, I am um, but I feel like a phone case says so much of a person, and so I feel like at airports I'm always clocking phone cases like obviously I'm not marrying someone with an otter box or anything of the variety.
Speaker 3I had a guy on my flight who was pretty cute, but he was scrolling through his camera roll from like five years prior. He would like click on a photo and then like zoom in on his face and it really get like it's hard for me to even talk about.
Speaker 2Well, obviously that terrifies me because that's the shit I'm on. Damn so people are like clocking me and being like he's like so obsessed with himself. I also think with like playing movies too, where it's like obviously like I will pick a random movie and there'll be like the most intense like sex scene where it's like choking, grabbing, like picking up and fucking and I'm like I've never seen positions like this ever. And, of course, like the one time is like when I'm on like a 737 with 700 people. Um, I always like watch bridesmaids, too on the plane. Oh, I forgot about the opening scene where her legs are like flying around getting flip fucked. Kidding, I don't cuss, but if I did, I would have said flip fuck there, um, but yeah, it's just like, it's crazy, just like you are perceived at every angle on a plane. But, like I, the thought of someone seeing me sleep on a plane makes me nauseous, and so that's why I have to put a hoodie over my head.
Speaker 3I'd clock you as fine shit, I think in an airport because you were like jeans to fly. Yeah, that's another thing. You put on a full fit.
dialing in a flight attendant (aka brett's mom)
Speaker 2Yeah, I am pick me for that, but I also am like I have one shot, one fucking opportunity to like Step out and you never know who you're going to see at an airport Again, everyone looks hot at an airport, so I have to put a little bit of thought into it. Wow, I am super fucking uncomfortable the entire plane ride, though, but look cute, alright, our next caller. You know her, you love her. My motherfucking mom. I shouldn't I need to stop cussing as much, and it's just like I don't need to introduce my mom as my motherfucking mom. Anyways, my mom is a flight attendant. She also is very nervous for this call.
Speaker 2I like called her to be like hey, like, can I have you on? She's like oh, I wish you would choose one of my flight attendant friends. They're so much funnier than me. Girl, please, she's really unfunny. No, no, I'm kidding, she's so funny. She's also like the nicest person ever. She was like what like will be asking me? Like I just want like a few questions. I was just like I don't know, just like bad experiences with passengers. And she's like oh, I just like don't want to sound negative. Okay, me, as fuck. Okay, so me. Now I'm gonna see how much I can get my mom to talk shit. Okay, I've dialing in my mom. He's also a flight attendant. She's like so not gonna want to like. She's like probably mad at me for doing this. Oh wow, oh wow, you're on camera.
Speaker 2Do you think I am too negative? Be honest. I mean, you've said it to my face millions of times, so just, I think you need to be a little more positive. How, how, how would I even do that? I?
Speaker 5love all your podcasts and and just always be positive, like be uplifting.
Speaker 2When am I negative? I'm confused. I think it's a very uplifting podcast.
Speaker 5Don't make me bring up specifics.
Speaker 2No, but you have to bring up specifics now that you're Okay. Which one? What part? I can't remember specifics. Okay, well, you've been flying for 60 years Thanks. Brett, I'm kidding. My mom is very young, but she has been flying for 40 years. It'll be 40 years. Don't do the math. What would you say? The most annoying part of your job is Starting off very negative and we're going to get even more negative.
Speaker 5Okay, the most annoying, you know, it's just passengers that think, you know, like everything's about them, or like when people get on and they, you know, they pack these suitcases that are so heavy and you know, and they can't lift them and they're like oh, I have a bad shoulder, can you help me lift this?
Speaker 2Can you talk about this story with the dog? Do you know which one I'm talking about? We?
Speaker 5had. The dog had an accident and it had the most horrific diarrhea, like right there in that, you know, like right at the bullcat there in first class, and the smell was just awful.
Speaker 2Wasn't it kind of your fault because you were like giving the oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
Speaker 5Well, I was petting the dog a lot, so I probably got it a little bit excited.
Speaker 2It was more like heavy petting, Like you made it sound like it wasn't just like some light pats. You were like oh my goodness. What do you do when a dog shits on a plane? Are you responsible for that or is the owner you?
Speaker 5know we kind of gave the owners as many supplies as we could to clean it up and kind of a flight attendant's secret is to use like coffee grounds, because at least it kind of helps reduce the smell a little bit.
Speaker 2Okay, it's the flight attendant's job to clean up only after they get them so excited that they squeeze one out?
Speaker 5or is that just your job?
Speaker 2regardless, I still made the family clean it up, so the flight attendants get the dogs to shit and then it's the owner's job to clean up. Right, that's right, it's policy. Have you ever had to use an epi pen on someone?
Speaker 5I don't think I have. I have been very fortunate. I've had some medical emergencies, but I've never used an epi pen on someone. I don't think I have. I have been very fortunate. I've had some medical emergencies, but I've never used an epi pen on anybody. I've given oxygen, um. I've never had to use like the aed, um, but but um, those are.
Speaker 2You know like to do, like the yeah, I've taken a cpr course, baby I got that okay. Have you ever had to like do an emergency landing because of a passenger being so poorly behaved, or a medical emergency? Also, didn't someone give birth on a flight or start giving birth on a flight that you're on?
Speaker 5um, I didn't have this happen on my flight, but a friend of mine, um, had somebody die on their flight, and so that was a very traumatic experience because, yeah, do you just like go to the final destination still, or is it like we have to stop? They ended up kind of close it was landing in germany, and at that point they were there.
Speaker 5It was like during the follow-on service and before landing where they that person just wasn't replying to anything and and um. So then they kind of started shaking them and they're shaking her, and then realized that she had passed away.
Speaker 2So and they're like okay, well, anyways, there is some turbulence y'all, we do have a dead body, but we do need to keep your your seat belts fastened and put up those tray tables when you get a chance. Uh, let's have a safe flight. We got an extra bisque off now, um, if anyone wants it. And did they just leave the corpse in row 22, or what did they?
Speaker 5they left the person there, but then they did move like the people that were that were close to that person yeah, just because everybody kind of knew then what had happened, and it was disturbing that's so insane.
Speaker 2How much did you see of the dead body and I wasn't on that flight, you can lie how much did you see?
Speaker 5they had served that person for the first service.
Speaker 2Oh, my God.
Speaker 5And then, all of a sudden, they had passed For the second round of drinks.
Speaker 2Yeah, exactly, you want another Canada Dry baby. Excuse me, sir. Sir, can you talk about your Kanye West experience?
Speaker 5Oh gosh, I'm going to get in trouble With who?
Speaker 2Baby, no one listens to this podcast you're fine.
Speaker 5Well, we had him on a flight. It was a long time ago and just not a very nice guy not too impressed with him. He would not speak to any crew member directly. He had an assistant, a lady, a young woman assistant with him, and so we had to ask her everything, and then she would turn to ask him that's so crazy.
Speaker 2It's like adding an extra step and like adding more work. Or like I want a diet coke and she's like you'll do a diet coke. Okay, you're fine, you can just talk to me.
Speaker 5It was like an interpreter but we were all speaking the same language, so that was. That was very.
Speaker 2I want one of those. I just don't want to ever have to talk to anyone directly. What's one part of your job that you're like why am I the one doing this? Like this doesn't feel like something I should be doing.
Speaker 5You know, like on the long international flights, you know we are, you know we have to clean the bathrooms and so that's not always really very fun bathrooms and so that's not always really very fun. Um, on our flight that I just came back from um, we had someone that took a huge poop in one of the, in one of the bathrooms.
Speaker 5they just couldn't get it to flush and so they they took like a hanger and we're trying to get it to go down and um, and unfortunately it did not, what yucky, yucky hanger to try to figure out what to do with it. They just couldn't get it to go go down. So anyway, so we lost.
Speaker 2Anyway, it's so crazy. Like I'm with so much peace and love, I've like blown bathrooms up too, like in a way that's not normal, but like that's bad. That's actually bad. You've never had to pull out a coat hanger, you're fine. But like the fact that it's like what do you mean? It couldn't go down, that like the bathroom, like the suction, has so much power. Um, I know I've already told you this story, but I guess just more so for the viewers.
Speaker 2One time, um, I was going to the bathroom on an airplane and it wasn't a little tinkle okay it was. There was something more and it was right towards the landing, which I don't know why y'all do this. You just dump the ice in the toilet, which feels weird as hell. And obviously when you're when a guy's gotta go, a guy's gotta go, and I kind of just laid a perfect log on the ice, kind of shit on the rocks um, similar situation, as the the hangar thing wasn't going down, so obviously I just left that shit on shit on ice in there. Nothing I could do. So I might I might be a coat hanger survivor as well. What is the best way? Do you have any tips for someone to get upgraded to first class?
Speaker 5oh, you know it's not. It's not like it used to be. You know, like back in the day we had a lot more control, like where we could just kind of upgrade people more easily. It's pretty tough to do. I mean, sometimes you can maybe schmooze a flight attendant and just be really nice. You know, it's always nice to bring, like the crew, a little gift or something.
Speaker 2You can be bribed, my God you can be bribed.
Speaker 5I mean, the nicer you are to us, certainly, the more we will do to accommodate you too.
Speaker 2Wow, so y'all can be bribed. I'm not asking for gifts, but it's always nice. You know, I would take them, though Like I'm not asking. But my God, I'm not going to say no to a present. Jesus, I'm a lady. What do you do if someone is snoring loudly on a plane? Do you wake them up? Also, have you ever had to wake someone up who has, like, slept through the landing, etc.
Speaker 5Etc you know it doesn't happen a lot, but yes, there are people that sometimes will just sleep and you will have landed and de-planed everybody and then you'll have this person that's still there sleeping in the seat. So, yes, I've had that happen a few times.
Speaker 2You're like no do people ever get mad at you for for not waking them up for food and drink services um?
Speaker 5Well, you know, I usually tap them lightly. I just think if you can sleep on a plane, that's awesome. You know, usually people need to get some rest when they're traveling, so I hate to wake people up. It always cracks me up because if we're coming through with just a beverage, you know just serving drinks and like a husband, there'll be like his wife next to him and she's sleeping soundly. She probably hasn't slept all night because she's been packing.
Speaker 5And then you know, like I said, do you want something to drink? And then they'll like whack their wives. Like honey, you want a drink?
Speaker 2You know, and I think I can get her a Sprite later. This is so. This sounds like some shit. Dad would pull to you. Last question, really fast who do you think the armrest should go to Window middle aisle? Who deserves the two armrests? The middle, yeah, it's the middle.
Speaker 5The middle Because you know the aisle person can kind of lean into the aisle and the window person can lean up against the window.
Speaker 2What's your favorite seat?
Speaker 5I like the window. I still, after all these years, love looking out the window. I love saying what I'm flying over I do. I love looking out the window, and I also like to have a place to lean my head too.
Speaker 2So I'm a window girl. Are there any things you want us to know about flight attendants, any PSAs you want to put out there?
Speaker 5I guess I would say that flight attendants are incredibly interesting people. You know they are, they're flight attendants that I've worked with that are like attorneys that are. You know there was a flight and I used to work with. He was a dentist um, you know they're, they're very well traveled and everything. So, you know, if you have some downtime, ask your flights in a question because, well, you know we like to talk to yeah, I got that part.
Speaker 2My mom is literally like just the sweetest, most talkative person ever, and she differs from me in like the way where she will like strike up a conversation with a stranger and have like a really meaningful, sweet conversation.
Speaker 5Meanwhile, I will like get pissed if I have to take out my headphone for two seconds there are times where I start talking to someone and then I think, oh crap, I've just opened a can of worms here.
Speaker 2Yeah, I'm gonna be talking the whole flight, but your one piece of advice is to open that can of worms with the flight attendants Because, yeah, who knows, maybe they were a dentist.
Speaker 5If you're nice to your flight attendant, your flight attendant will usually take care of you.
Speaker 2And ask them a question, because they might be an attorney, they might be a dentist, they might have a son who does TikTok. My mom will always tell me that she's pushing my stuff to the flight attendants. I'm like I don't. That's so sweet, but like I don't need, I actually do need the the listener, so please keep doing that, all right. Well, thank you so much for hopping on. You did great. You were the perfect amount of negative. Well, I'll call you later and we can chitchat more. Okay, sounds good. All right, thank you, I did okay. You did perfect. I love you. Okay, bye, she's like I like, she's like perfect, genuinely like. I'm sick to my stomach. I cannot believe I came from that.
Speaker 2Holy shit. Did this city roughen me up a bit? My God, that's how it used to be too, believe it or not? Wow, y'all would have loved the old me. Anyways, here's the new me. Take it or fucking leave it. Y'all are leaving it. We've seen the view. We've seen how many uh views we've got on the youtube. Y'all are leaving me in the dust. That's totally fine. Anyways, if you ever see my mom on a flight, I'm not gonna tell you what airline she works for or her name. I'm sure you can figure it out. It's on like randomly my mom is on my famous birthdays, which why do I have a famous birthday in general? Crazy. But also like why is my mom's first maiden name and now legal married last name on my famous birthdays? I don't know. Crop dusting Are you talking about farting and walking away?
Speaker 5Yeah, farting, and then walking through the aisle as quickly as you can. Yeah, just so you can spread out the farts Familiar.
Speaker 2Okay, oh shit, really quick, sorry. I had one more thing. You know, crop dusting. Do you think crop dusting is limited to airplanes? I do that shit everywhere.
Speaker 5I know it's really popular on planes.
Speaker 2Really popular on planes is fucking crazy talking about crop dusting. Have you ever crop dusted a plane? I have Jesus A few times In uniform, or no In uniform, of course, jesus. I'm glad you called back to this. Oh wait, also really quick Crop dusting. Yeah, it's a thing.
Speaker 2I just thought of that, I thought, oh, that's kind of a funny one. Genuinely like my mom, is like the greatest person ever. I always say all my good traits are for my mom and all my bad traits are for my dad. And let's just say I'm starting to act a little bit more like my dad these days.
plane etiquette
Speaker 3Holy shit as a tall person. What's that?
Speaker 2like hell, hell on earth. Like obviously like flying sucks for everyone, and I recognize that. Try being 6'3 1⁄2 for a day. It's fucking hell. My knees are in my nuts Like I truly like I can't move. I like hate feeling like I'm inconveniencing anyone else in public, because if someone inconvenienced me in public, I'm horrible.
Speaker 1Who would you want to join the Mile High club with slash? Is that something that you're interested in doing in this lifetime?
Speaker 2would I love to have sex in the air. Yeah, that sounds sick as hell. But also like when push comes to shove, I would rather not. And like if I got caught having sex in that setting I would rather die. Like I would hope the plane went down in a pretty scary way because I'm like I can't come back from that. I again like I'm not a rule follower, but there are some things where I'm like if I broke this rule that would it would crush me. Which, like are there rules you can't fuck on a plane? I'm sure like not in writing, but I'm sure it's not encouraged things.
Speaker 2There are a few rules that I'm like if you don't follow those, you deserve everything bad in the world and I'm gonna put a hex on your family and one of them is the bitches that jump up early before it's their road to get off the plane. That pisses me off. You are the most selfish person I know. Y'all never heard about women and children first. And if someone like tries to like get off the plane before me, I'm like I will put my big back to use and I will do.
Speaker 1I will fucking box out, I'll do four full court press hell no do you believe in the ritual of like listening to certain songs during takeoff and landing?
Speaker 2uh, no, I'm straight, um, but that's cool. I like that though. That's fun. No, obviously, like when I go on a plane, I actually do this less, but I would just listen to like the saddest shit ever and just be like like it's so fun to be sat on a plane and have nothing else to do. But actually, recently, um, with t-mobile, I now get free wi-fi, so I did just, I actually just scroll the entire time what do you get to drink? Nothing water wait really yeah, I'm normal.
dialing in a pilot
Speaker 2I'm calling in a pilot because I'm like, damn, you really like have all of our lives in your hands and you're just being normal about it, or are you not being normal about it? If I was a pilot, I would be so anxious all the time when I'm driving, even if with my friends in the car and I hit a curb. I'm like I am so fucking embarrassed. Meanwhile pilots are taking us through the bumpiest, fucking turbulent flights and just kind of just that, just kind of how it goes. Also, I'm like, is there ever a point where just like this shit is going? This is looking bad, but I'm not going to tell, tell everyone.
Speaker 2But like, just like between the two pilots. They're like holy shit, we have to walk in. Do they talk to the other pilot like what's kind of the vibe does she like being a pilot? I feel like pilots have so much street cred. Like flight attendants. It's like move bitch when you're walking down the aisle and then to like the pilots like, thank you, so fucking much thank, thank you, thank you for keeping us safe.
Speaker 2And then I get into the flight attendants. Where the fuck's my Diet Coke? Genuinely, where is it? Anyways, let's dial in a pilot, I don't care. Hello, hi you, what's up? Nothing, just on a work trip. Hey, do you like traveling? A pretty good bit, since that's mostly your job.
Speaker 4Yeah, actually I grew up really liking to travel, which is why I got into this job, and then, the more I do it, the less time I spend at home, and when I get home I don't even want to go anywhere.
Speaker 2How long did you have to train to be a pilot?
Speaker 4It varies anywhere. How long did you have to train to be a pilot? It varies like you can go to a like a accelerated school, and uh, you could do it in I think they say nine months or something crazy like that that's insane.
Speaker 2Do you think that's enough training for someone to fly a plane like it took me?
Speaker 4about five years to like start and then finish training and then, once you finish training, they make you build a bunch of hours before they send you to an airline. To like fly people around.
Speaker 2Can you feel the difference between, like a full flight and an empty flight? Just the weight of the plane?
Speaker 4Yes, actually that is a great question. We'll have to. We call it ferrying. We have to take back an empty plane back to one of our maintenance bases and it's crazy how quickly it'll lift off the runway when you're in the air like are there any times where you're just like, holy shit, this is not looking good.
Speaker 2And if there are, are you like alerting the passengers, or are you just like, hey, maybe we just deal with this one really quick? If things get worse, then like, yeah, we'll let them know, but like, until then, let's just kind of keep this under under wraps and you definitely don't want to like make a situation worse by panicking people.
Speaker 4I never myself have experienced something so bad that like we're like hiding things do people get kicked off the plane for vaping?
Speaker 2because I've seen two people do it like in private and one like did it in the bathroom. Then it kind of like set some shit off and then they were trying to like be really chill about it but like have they ever kicked someone off off for vaping or no?
Speaker 4that is a great question, because that happened to me, uh, a couple weeks ago. Um, we're flying out.
Speaker 2You're like I was vaping in the cockpit.
Speaker 4I got caught like it was actually me, you know which oh, you can't do anything anymore I think I was the one flying and all of a sudden I get this red warning. You know, caution.
Speaker 4And it says lab smoke, referring to the laboratory oh hell and at first I see smoke and I'm like, okay, because you know you're thinking fire, right, we gotta go back to where we just came from. We're calling the flight attendants. I hear like a fire detector, a smoke detector going off in the back, but it's just our laboratory smoke detector. And like right next to the flight deck and apparently someone was in there vaping beforehand. I never understood why. I mean, I guess I understood why you shouldn't vape, but I'm like, oh, it's not as bad as smoking, it just smells like you know, blueberries or whatever.
Speaker 2Watermelon crush.
Speaker 4Yeah, I'm like they're not, they're not harming anyone, but no, that was definitely a disturbance in the flight that alerted the pilots. Like we were like considering diverting, like there's so, there's so much that goes on when a master cost or master warning, um alert goes on in our, our flight deck.
Speaker 2So like was it really worth it for one hit of your cherry bomb exactly maybe not bomb. Read the room um, but yeah, that's so funny. Do you get nervous flying and do you have backseat driving mentality where it's like someone else is flying the plane? You're like, well, actually I would have done something a little bit differently there, but uh, you have the best questions, because these are things I would.
Speaker 4These are things I would never think to ask. But yes, I have. Sometimes I get, I have a bit of a control freak tendency. When i'm'm in the back I feel so in the dark. So sometimes like I'll pull up on the Wi-Fi, I'll pull up like flight radar.
Speaker 2I'll track where we are, I'm just going to peek my head in here really quick, make sure y'all don't need anything. That's so funny.
Speaker 4Yeah, and I'll try and like see what approach you're going to fly or where we are in relation to the airport, because I need to know.
Speaker 2You just need to kick off your shoes, smoke a vape and just let the pilots do their thing. Do you like it when people clap when you lane? And, as a passenger, do you clap when the plane lanes or do you think that's hard to watch?
Speaker 4and listen to. It is a bit hard to watch. A bit cringe, cringe. Uh well, first of all, we can't really hear you. If the plane is stopping, save your cops they can't even hear you.
Speaker 2Like you're wasting your time. Are there any times you get embarrassed flying, like when I am driving my friends and I like hit a curb, like I'm, like I want to die out of embarrassment. Like do you have the atlas, a pilot? Or are you like y'all it's the air? Like I can't.
Speaker 4There's nothing I can do about it you're making me feel so related like that. I relate to that so much because I also get embarrassed when I'm driving and my friends you know yeah, it's like I swear to god I'm like a really good.
Speaker 2Did I just like completely leap over a curb and scrape up the side of my car? Sure, who cares? It's a car.
Speaker 4In flying we always like no flight goes perfect, 100% smoothly, like there are things that you could have been more efficient with these captains that I fly with. A lot of them have been at this company for you know, 30 plus years, so they've been doing this in their sleep. And anytime I make like a dumb mistake or like a radio call, like let's say, I call on the radio and I like mess up, just I get a little embarrassed. I know everyone can hear me on that frequency, atc can hear me, my captain's judging me and I know at the end of the day it's not that big of a deal, but I do get really embarrassed, especially I don't know if it's an older male captain.
Speaker 4I feel like they might be judging me even harder. They're probably not. They probably know all of it?
Speaker 2No, they probably are. I'm kidding, since you are saying a lot of the pilots are older men, do you feel like you have good conversations with them in the sky?
Speaker 4Or is it like ever awkward, having to fly an extended amount of time with an older man? It is definitely taking a learning curve. That is one thing I did not think about very much when I was in flight training. I'm like I'm going to travel the world and make a lot of money, like that was like my goal.
Speaker 2You forget about the old man training.
Speaker 4I'm like I'm gonna travel the world and make a lot of money like that was like my goal. Yeah, when I got to the job, I was like, wow, this is a lot of sitting up at cruise altitude with random people that I don't know that I have to get to know. I would say I'm a pretty good conversationalist, uh, when it comes to, you know, getting them out of their shell.
Speaker 4But a lot of them a lot of them are just very awkward and, you know, don't know what to talk about. Usually if they have daughters, it's cool because I'm like around their daughter's age. So a lot of the time like that'll be cool because we have that connection. But yeah, sometimes I make them play 20 questions with me, like I'm just like dude, we're sitting up here, like yeah, briefed everything we can, like we're ready for this flight, we aren't getting there for two hours. Play a game with me, please.
Speaker 2Do you think Top Gun is realistic while we have you here?
Speaker 4Well, it's a good question, because I'm not a fighter pilot so I don't know. But that second, you saw the second one, right?
Speaker 2No, I didn't, unfortunately, oh, okay.
Speaker 4Sorry, no, that's but that second.
Speaker 2You saw the second one right. No, I didn't, unfortunately oh okay, sorry, no, I love your craft, but I just like didn't think I would love that movie.
Speaker 4But yeah, the second one the mission's kind of crazy. And then they like they launch out of their parachute and they have to go to the uh like the military base of the enemy and they steal a plane and I'm like how do you know if this plane still works? This is old. Does it even have fuel, like what?
Speaker 2are you like looking at the logistics? It's like that, like how would you?
Speaker 4that doesn't even make sense, so I don't know I mean it's, it's definitely a cool story, but I don't know very cool film not realistic at all.
Speaker 2Um okay, well, thank you so much. This was such an enjoyable phone call. You answered pretty pretty much all, if not all, my questions. All right, I'll talk to you soon.
Speaker 5Okay, bye.
Speaker 2Brett. Okay, I love you. Bye, like, adore her. My God, was she just absolutely to die for? I honestly feel better about the flying situation. Yeah, they seem like they kind of know what they're doing, which I guess is good. I guess I just doubted them for no reason, I don't know. I also love that I had like a woman on here like I don't think I could talk to like a male pilot again, just like an older man. Hey, uh, let's get pilot beat on here. We going to get freaking Pilot Pete on here next episode. But yeah, wow, good things to note.
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Speaker 2Don't vape, goes without saying. Literally, just do a zen. I don't even think they like you to zen either, but you're fine, they're not going to catch you doing that. Just slip one in Y'all. That's another dialing in with Brett and the books. Also, if you see me sweating at all, shut up. I'm in my garage and I have a fan blowing up my you know what right now and I'm still dripping. Okay, two things can be true. Anyways, y'all blow my shit up. Blow my shit up Y'all. Comment like, subscribe, fill out the Google form, do all that shit. Keep doing the shit.
Speaker 2We have some exciting guests coming in too, and it's like my God, wow. It is just shaping up to be a mediocre podcast, which I'm over the moon about. But truly, thank you guys so much for supporting me. I love you to pieces. You might be wondering oh, why did you do a bonus Tuesday episode? I don't know. That's a really really, really good question. We might be doing some random Tuesday episodes in there too. I don't know. We just want to get shit out there. We're just pushing, pushing it, pushing it, pushing it. The algorithm is pushing back, pushing back, pushing back, um, which is awesome, and I really love it. Truly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I would hate to have a little bit of nepotism right now, or even just get on the algorithm, um, the good side of the algorithm. But yeah, until then, tune in every thursday and the occasional tuesday too. So love you guys you.