Dialing In with Brett
It’s sad, really. No one wants to start a podcast nowadays — so Brett stepped up. Dialing In with Brett is a dry-comedy show where comedian Brett Neustrom does what any curious (but lazy) person would do: cold calls people with his “hard-hitting” questions. Are all “boy moms” secretly in love with their sons? Do parking enforcement officers ever feel guilty? Do old people have sex in nursing homes? Brett’s got the questions. The guests have the answers. And you? I’m sure you probably have nothing better to do.
Critics are calling his unserious, light-hearted, and wildly dramatic interrogations a brilliant way to nourish the human psyche. (No critics have written in, but I’m sure they’d say something along those lines.)
New episodes drop every Thursday… Now, let’s dial the f*ck in.
Dialing In with Brett
9. do i have what it takes to go to culinary school??
This week on Dialing In with Brett, Brett relives the Big Bad Argument of 2025, shares the story of his birthday party from hell, and dials in a private chef.
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hi, this is Brett. I was dialing you in because I had a question. I there's no way. Hello, what a dick. Benson Boone. Bits and bytes. Welcome back to dialing in with Brett. Episode 10 Bits and Bites, big, big for episode 10. Is that the sign? Did it break entirely?
Speaker 1:It had fallen when I first was in here and then I put it back up. Should we just take it off?
Speaker 2:I dead ass. I was thinking about it. Okay, so we were recording last night Obviously it was mid phone call with someone. We have all of our lights, all of our fans going, complete power outage on our entire street, pitch black, and of course we were filming at night. We opened the garage, still black. Oh yeah, shit, that doesn't work for 500, everything on this fucking set. Um, the mic stand completely stopped working.
Speaker 2:We hot glued the fuck out of it, which I really, in my experience, like with hot glue and super glue, if you just use enough of it, it will be okay and it will fix it. Not in this case, and again, I've said this 4 000 times we bought the right mic stand. I'm never the one who's like, oh, let's get what we actually need. I'm always like, okay, we can get like this off. Whatever this one was like, handcrafted by the same fucker who makes this. Why is it not holding it up? Do you want to call them out? Sure, sure, sure, I'll call out. Sure you fuck up. What do you mean? This is also 455 pounds of steel and it can't hold up this dinky rinky, dinky ass mic. Like sure do fucking better. Same with whoever, whatever, fuck ass. Etsy bitch made our, made our sign.
Speaker 1:I'm not sporting local anymore, I'm dead ass this is the problem with trying to DIY something.
Speaker 2:No, I know it all falls apart and I need you guys to know we're doing this shit ourselves. So if it falls apart, just know this is farm to table ass shit Like grassroots.
Speaker 4:Or a small team of three.
Speaker 2:So if shit looks a little bit bad, if the lighting changes in every single episode, if my tie continues to get shorter, if this continues to fall, if the audio continues to suck, just know three fucking hard-working ass midwestern good people are behind this. And I know the sign just fell and I know we had a power riders last hour last night. Can we stick it on one more time?
Speaker 4:while we're talking about grassroots efforts, building the set, do you want to address the window?
Speaker 2:yeah, the window looks so fucking bad, like genuinely, like I'm like so happy we did this ourselves. Am I kidding? No, I really am, and I'm like glad, and a lot of thought and effort and time has gone into it, which I don't think any of y'all have like reckoned. Kidding you guys do. Um, but I did try to make diy this window. We don't know what we're doing and we're kind of just trying to figure out in real time and one of these days it's gonna fucking. When it works, it works, but when it doesn't, it doesn't, and it falls on us three literally everything hanging right now is hanging on by a thread and also the girls were gone.
Speaker 2:They're back, bitch. We got two la girls now but obviously when they were gone, um, the camera died four times when I was trying to film an episode, the audio completely cut, like it all looked horrible. We also like are working with the camera, like it just auto focuses in a very horrible way. The lighting genuinely like every single episode we do the same exact fucking setup. We plug in the same exact things. Somehow it looks like a completely different set every single time we film it y'all should head to the youtube to check it out.
Speaker 2:Actually, yeah, if you want to see how bad it is in real time, check out our youtube link like, comment, subscribe. The quality is bad, we are aware of that, but it's gonna get better. And remember, it's just three. Oh, you're mad at us. Well, you're mad at three hard-working liberal, former midwestern, two women too, and two women and one member of the, the LGBT community. So if you don't like this shit, you hate women and gay people. So thanks. Speaking of gay people, I had just the craziest comment section this week. Every single time I post a brand deal and the brand pushes it. It gets brought to a new audience of the worst type of people, who are all just extremely right-wing, homophobic people, which is fun. And then it's like oh shit, like homophobic yeah, it's like a thing.
Speaker 2:It's still a thing. Like I live in a bubble in la where it's like, wait, no, it's like cool to be queer. And then you post something. Then you post the prebiotic soda online and it reaches the right-wing community and's like oh shit. Like yeah, no, you guys like still definitely hate gay people.
Speaker 2:So I posted a prebiotic soda video which like obviously, yeah, people are going to talk about my fucking sexuality and all that's what all the comments are going to be about my sexuality because it's a prebiotic soda video. So it's like what the fuck else would we talk about type B? And so I prebiotic soda video. So it's like what the fuck else would we talk about type b? And so I was getting a lot of like this soda makes you gay, gay soda. Fuck this, I'm drinking spray, I don't want to be gay. The video was me pretending to be a kid in the 1980s and, like a commercial, the brain cut most of the parts that like made it seem like that I was a kid, so that I just kind of looked like a creepy gay individual. And again like drinking that prebiotic soda. Like yeah, that's gay as fuck. Like what? Oh, you're straight and drinking a prebiotic soda. No, that doesn't work anyways. Yeah, so I got like blown up, um, which is fun, and this is why I kind of like never talk about my sexuality online, because I don't even need to, and it's get brought up in a prebiotic soda video, um, so, yeah, that's gay soda.
Speaker 2:It's always like, very like empowering as a content creator when you're pushing a product, when everyone's like, actually I'm going to support the competitor's product because I don't want to be gay like I'm like, yeah, I think that's why brands like working with me, I'm actively pushing other products. So if you are a competitor of a brand, reach out to me and I'll work with the brand in a very queer way, which is just be myself, and then the competition will get a. You will get like, you know, just will blow up. So, also, like, I don't even want to like touch them. I think my sexuality is like the least interesting thing about myself and that's why I never talk about it. Also, I like I don't know what I am, I'm somewhere in between the middle, but then like who cares? Whatever, gay actually. Anyways, that's that.
Speaker 4:I think this is a great way to segue. Do you two? Want to chime in on the big fight of 2025?.
Speaker 2:Holly and I had our big one yesterday.
Speaker 4:And it was scary Like I was sitting in the backseat as this is all unfolding, just minding my own business.
Speaker 2:Joe Keery has been really prevalent in our friend group recently and Holly has mentioned recently that she Six months ago.
Speaker 2:That she really cares about the guy. And I, like all my friends, are so obsessed with celebrities and like I'm like I know their man, like I'm like they're like Andrew Garfield Brooke has Matthew Greg Grubler Brooke also has Megan John I feel like all my friends, I'm like I know these are their men, they're very huge celebrities that they really haven't had any interactions with. But I'm like, yeah, they claim these gentlemen had any interactions with. But I'm like, yeah, these are, they claimed these gentlemen. I didn't know Holly claimed Joe Curie, to the extent that she did, and so that's kind of how this started, where I was like, damn, like I just I didn't know that was your man. Like I'm sorry, I just like I feel like I haven't really heard you say much about him. Piss the woman off.
Speaker 1:I was waiting for Brett to say something along the lines of like you guys, like he would be lucky to have you if you guys were ever together. Like I don't really know what I was wanting, but not what you were saying I was just like first of all with love. Holly has never met joe you do not have to have met the person and ever been in contact, this.
Speaker 2:It felt like I was like telling holly that, like her ex-boyfriend of six years didn't ever love her, like it felt like it was that serious and then, for hours after our big one, she's like no, it's whatever. I'm unlovable, I'm fat, I'm ugly. No one will ever even want to be around me. I'm annoying. I get it like I know, loud and fucking clear, and it started with me just being like I didn't know it was like that with Joe Keery well, because this is.
Speaker 1:I don't talk often about my romantic life because there really isn't much. So then, when I do, I do expect full, full support. And your take on.
Speaker 2:Just because I haven't met him yet doesn't mean that, like there's nothing there, like I said yesterday, it's classist love is love and I also, like she says the classist thing I've never once met joe curie, like she sounds like. I have, like joe curie in my fucking palm, my hand, like choosing not to like introduce the two of them I have is kind of how it feels I have zero connection we'll work harder.
Speaker 2:She makes it sound like I like could get anyone in hollywood like this, like I have like one kind of cool loose connection to maybe like one a-list celebrity, that, and she just makes it sound like it's like oh, you haven't like set the two of us up like I don't know, you're just a shitty friend. So and in my defense I was, you've said meaner things to me about actual relationships I've had and actual love.
Speaker 1:This is what the big thing was. Is that, like I've listened to Brett quite often about his love, life and you know the people that he fights with, and then they make up the next day and then they fight again and then they make up. And so I just like, with all of that patience, I thought that as an actor, even you could put on kind of just a performative role of supporting me and I support you to the ends of the fucking earth.
Speaker 2:But when we're talking about a celebrity that none of us have contact with, it's hard for me to be like baby, like no, that's actually dead ass, you're fucking man.
Speaker 4:But moving forward, that's your fucking man were you wanting him to be like your like? Were you wanting like reassurance and like, yes, you would be his dream woman, like you are so funny but again you've said meaner things to me about people I've like actually seen and dated etc you said meaner things to me that I've never gotten mad about, but this I actually cared about, and then we forgave each other.
Speaker 1:We got over it. Two minutes later, brett's bringing it up again then we're at Staples, no contact running
Speaker 4:away from each other, trying to like find the items we need, and I'm just like in the middle of Staples, like yeah, we had our, our big one, at Staples.
Speaker 2:It's also again. It's just like. It's funny to me in a way that it's like we're fighting over your relationship with joe kiri. But then when I say that she gets mad at me and calls me classes and she, I was like I think you haven't spoken about him like that much. I just like, genuinely like, let a bitch know that this is your man and I will, like I will claim him for you. And then she's like, yeah, well, like what's the point of every single night, when you're trying to fucking fall asleep, you think about someone that like you, literally like you're so in love with someone. So then like, yeah, I'm sometimes quiet about my, my romantic. This girl's never been quiet about any let's get joe curio on the pod yeah, and not set him up with Holly.
Speaker 1:Brett would like that a lot and he would do it the one day I'm out of town.
Speaker 2:I kind of claim Joe Curio as my own now.
Speaker 4:House rules. You guys, house rules, never go to bed angry.
Speaker 2:No, seriously.
Speaker 4:Dance in the kitchen Always say I love you.
Speaker 2:Dance in the kitchen, fight like siblings, fuck like rabbits.
Speaker 4:Wash your hands before meals to jesus um the haunting wives first tell us what you thought about it, because we both finished it like in our separate corridors. You here in la and I was in new york, but we started together and I want to know we haven't really talked about it.
Speaker 2:I was divided. I really liked I really liked it. I honestly it was like more lesbianic than I like initially thought it was going to be, kind of in a lesbian's game, kind of hot. Randomly I do kind of want a gun, like genuinely, like I actually don't want a gun and like no one should ever have a gun. But like in that show I was like, wait, like cute little pistol though. Wait, like as an accessory, though like a pistol's cute. But I'm not gonna get a gun, by the way. Just so you guys know, like, hand to heart, I won't get a gun unless it's like so cute, unless it goes with my outfit. But I won't actually get a gun. But that show I'm like wouldn't hurt, I am gonna get a metal baseball bat like dead ass yeah, just to have for protection we totally slept with the door unlocked open door policy.
Speaker 2:We let anyone in I was leaving the door open for joe curie. Yeah, I'm a softy. Yeah, even when you didn't think I was thinking of you, I was. So that's why I didn't lock their front door last night is because I wanted a guest to come. So, um, no, but I did like the show. I do feel like it sucks when a show's like setting up for the next season, since and it's like, oh, that last episode could have been like really fucking good, but it's like, oh, like you had to water it down because it's like season two coming soon, type shit, and I feel like that was the what this show was like, where I'm like, oh, like I like what's the point of a season finale if it's like we have to leave some things unsaid and so we can set up season two?
Speaker 4:right. I do feel like there was a not enough talk about the like involvement of min of minors.
Speaker 2:They were just kind of like oh yeah, that's so insane, yeah, like. A big plot line is like having minors.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's like yeah, this town, what can I say?
Speaker 2:No, I know and like no one's like really like that shocked about it when I'm like that is like the most shocking thing ever, Just like ever, get it girl. Yeah. They're like oh you and brad baby, wait, why do I gotta ship? I'm like ew, he's in like what, and also like it's her friend's son that she's fucking, who's also a minor, and it's like eek, I'm bad. Yeah, you literally are.
Speaker 2:You should be behind bars also there's no way brad is going d1 in basketball like well, he hurt his shoulder senior year so he's actually just gonna go to um community college, but no, that is, he's going to baylor. But I feel like in the in the south, like it's like that was like a boy mom, like she's like a perfect description of like a southern boy mom, mom, brad's mom, yeah, where it's like girl, like why do you want him that's your son.
Speaker 4:She was very.
Speaker 2:Did you the scene where she like no wait, wait, let's get it out easy, easy, okay easy girl, easy, no, no, okay, we got the wasp out. I think six flies just came in. You guys, this is like a really high budget, high production value. Easy girl, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker 4:Slow down, big girl.
Speaker 2:We need to. Can we link that? We're going to do a BTS clip of it's the funniest fucking video ever. Grace Kulinschmidt if you guys don't know her, go like her shit. She's actually the funniest person on the internet and there's a video about. She's a brand new melville employee and, like someone who's not an extra, extra, extra small, comes in and she's like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy girl, whoa, slow down, could hear you feel you coming from a mile away. Wait, do you want to?
Speaker 2:talk about veronica oh my god, I hate being like. I don't know if you guys know veronica. If, like, if you know me, I'm sure you very well know who veronica is. Veronica slowy, koska. She's perfect. She's so fucking funny. I love her. She's one of my good friends. She's fucking booked snl. What do you mean? What do you mean? You just booked snl.
Speaker 2:Like one of my friends is gonna be on SNL. Now I'm gonna quit my job, like I'm gonna do this shit full-time. Be a friend of someone on SNL, yeah so, yeah, that's fucking insane and I'm like so proud of her and not to be the guy who's like. Yeah, like I actually used to know Veronica pretty well. We actually used to like live together like three years ago and we would just like make videos together and like we just were like she had like way less followers than me. Now she's like a million followers on instagram. Ah, should have been me kidding. No, I'm happy for her and it's fucking crazy and wow, wow, just wow. She is a fucking star and I've always known she was gonna be a star and now my biggest career accomplishment is being her friend and her booking SNL.
Speaker 2:I've been trying to turn a new leaf recently and it's not fun, I realize it's like damn. Like if you want change in your life, like you have to be the one that does it. What? That doesn't sound like my job personally, but I have been trying to. It's crazy because I've been cooking meals at home. But I have been trying to. It's crazy because, like I've been cooking meals at home really, not not actually, but like a little bit. But like when I cook meals at home they're so fucking depressing where it's like I don't add seasoning, I don't, like I have chicken meatballs in the air fryer and then I get a fork and eat it out of the air fryer oh my god, it's back. I think there's oh my god, okay, dead ass. You see that like it looks like a piece of poop that sucked to. I think there's oh my God, okay, deadass. You see that Like it looks like a piece of poop that sucked to the. Yeah, I think that might be a wasp nest.
Speaker 4:Oh Nesp, I never knew what that was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's a wasp nest and I thought it was dormant for a while, but it's looking a little bit more active than I'm used to.
Speaker 4:Damn.
Speaker 2:This shit, let's blow it up. Oh my god, you guys won't believe what happened this week's episode. Check it out now. Dialing in with episode. Dialing with brett episode out now. Okay, just watch. Um, anyways, I've been trying to change shit around here. I've been reading before bed like it's just like you know the shit where it's like that one. Excuse me.
Speaker 1:Also, Brett has been reading the Silent Patient for like 18 months.
Speaker 2:I dead ass like was like when did I get? When did I acquire this book? And I remember Brooke bought it for me when I went to Florida, I think genuinely like a year and a half ago.
Speaker 1:And he brings it on every trip.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it lives on my nightstand last night he said to me he goes. I think I'm gonna go read for a bit. He's like if I don't have this book finished by the end of october I'm gonna be really upset. It's like embarrassed.
Speaker 2:It's gotten to a point where it's like, okay, like she has to start being embarrassing for me to be like, okay, I need to like lock in. And I'm for me to be like, okay, I need to like lock in. And I'm like, damn, I really like have been reading, Like it's fucking embarrassing, it's not cute anymore. Like it's a joke with my friends, Like they're all like, oh, they all know I'm reading this. And this happened with the book prior, the Shards, which I have made my entire personality. Oh my God, Is that another?
Speaker 4:wasp what?
Speaker 2:Where it really has been fun, like kind of figuring this out with y'all. There's no way, there's literally no way.
Speaker 4:The sign just fell again.
Speaker 2:Like are we going to have to call a guy for the wasp?
Speaker 4:mess yeah.
Speaker 2:Or are we the guy? Fuck when you find out you're the guy.
Speaker 3:I'll just shoot it with my gun.
Speaker 2:Once I get my the guy, I'll just shoot it with my gun. Once I get my pistol.
Speaker 4:Just fucking light that shit up, anyways, the lighting's fucked. They're wasps we don't have a.
Speaker 2:The sign is on the ground. It'd be one thing if we were like on episode 100, where it's like all right, well, it's time for a new studio, but it's like episode nine where it's like dude, why is the sign falling?
Speaker 2:and it also feels like we should have had this stuff figured out by now yeah we're just a couple of kids, it's funny because episode one the audio was ass and we were like guys, it's episode one, it's gonna get better and better. Somehow it's gotten worse and worse. Anywho, no technical difficulties, this has just been a flawless episode, which I love. Um, anyways, yeah, I've been stretching, I've been drinking my green juice, I've been cooking one every seven meals. Um, I tried making coffee at home. Tastes like shit, so I probably will stop doing that.
Speaker 2:But I did buy like a nice espresso machine that I was like, oh, this is gonna. No, I'm gonna. Like, I'm gonna make my own syrups. I've used it twice and it tastes like fucking shit both times. But it is. It is fun to be like like I was. Yeah, whatever is the press for a second. But then I like had to do the full, like I'm buying a cucumber. Um, I'm stretching before I. I'm reading 10 pages of my book every single day. It actually kind of works like dead ass. Like you're not depressed, you just need to buy a cucumber and finish that fucking book that's been on your bookshelf for six years.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you mean by buy a cucumber. What'd you do with it? Dot dot dot.
Speaker 2:What didn't I do with it?
Speaker 2:No, I sliced it up and had hummus with it. You fucking pervert. My God, not everything is sexual. And then, my god, not everything is sexual. And then I shoved it up my ass and then I use it as a butt plug. Um, anyway, anyways, I'm tired of this.
Speaker 2:I am a sweetheart, I am an undercover sweetie pie. I'm willing to do a favor for someone. I am willing to you know like in public I'm willing to lend a helping hand. But I am willing to you know, like in public I'm willing to lend a helping hand. But the second that someone doesn't like show appreciation it's always like strangers. I'm like, all right now, like I'm pissed, I helped, why did I? Why did I do that? And this happens a lot where, like at a four-way stop, where I'm like you go and then like they go without waving okay, bitch, this is why I don't ever do anything for anyone else like this shit pisses. You can wave to me like that is like insane, that's genuinely the least you can do. And if someone waves to me, then I'm like, oh, we should smash kidding.
Speaker 2:But anyways, I was at trader joe's the other day and I bring my own bags and this gentleman didn't have anyone bagging. I'll bag for you, I don don't care. Like I'll help, I'm willing. It will help both of us, you know. So I'm bagging everything, just throwing shit in there. It's a lot of groceries, anyways. He finishes scanning and there's like six more things and like the bags are like pretty much mostly full. Like could probably use a paper bag for me.
Speaker 2:He like pushes all of my shit to like the end of the line and like hands me my receipt. Like okay, like let's kind of keep it going here. What do you fucking mean? What do you mean? I could have just sat on my big fat ass and like waited and made you bag all my groceries. I stepped up when no one else would. None of your fucking coworkers stepped up. Walking past your section, I'm doing it. You push it to the side, like okay, sorry, we've got a next customer. Bitch, I did half of your job. Give me half of your check. Then Like dead ass. And then I was immediately like okay, like I regret even, like helping ever. Like this is fucking oldie too. Like don't act. Like this is my job, you know where it's. Like we don't do bags here. Like got that fucking part, okay, I'll do it for it. Trader joe's. Like baby. This is in your job description. Don't push my shit to the side after I just slaved away for you can I guess what was in your cart?
Speaker 1:chicken meatballs, a cucumber, the green dragon like salsa, whatever.
Speaker 2:Hot sauce.
Speaker 1:Egg bites Probably about eight of those Frozen rice that you will heat up and then put the half of the bag that you didn't use back in the fridge as if that is a thing.
Speaker 2:And then throw it away like two weeks later because I don't eat it, going off of my grocery haul. I am like Sometimes I have pick me traits. Like sometimes I have pick me traits. Okay, I have pick me traits. I'm kind of almond mom adjacent my gas station, like road trip snack is a protein bar in kombucha. Like I am like unlovable, like that's so fucking annoying and it's very annoying about me and I hate that. Like I and like like oh, you got fucking a protein bar, yeah, and there's nothing I can like, there's nothing I can say or do about it. I try to do it in quiet, I try to be low-key about it. It always gets brought up and, yeah, sometimes I'm pick-me, sometimes I'm almond mom coded like who fucking cares? Um, today I am dialing in a private chef. Uh, mostly because I hired a private chef for my birthday and it was a fucking shit show and it was so expensive randomly for like the worst experience ever and I was like you know what this would be fun.
Speaker 2:I feel like I'm at an age right now where I'm like I don't want people to lose money on me for my birthday. Like I'm kind of over the like. Oh my God, everyone spoils me, versus like you know what, like it's my birthday, I want to do something fun. I don't want my friends to like again lose money on my birthdays. I also feel this way about like bachelor bachelorette trips, so we can get into that at a later date. So I got a. I got a private chef and I was like, oh, you know what, I'm making my place like really cute. It's going to be like really like you know, classy, I'll get a lot of wine, et cetera. Um, so I make my place really cute.
Speaker 2:I find this guy, chef Amir, online from take a chef, and I am going to. I am gonna say uh, first names and I'm also gonna say the the proper uh location, because they suck and you guys, you guys can blow their shit up. I've already talked shit about them on my instagram story and you guys did a great job just talking shit in the comment section. So please feel free to do that again. Take a chef, chef amir, um, anyways.
Speaker 2:So chef amir shows up three hours late. Kidding, he showed up like an hour late. So I was like messaging him online with the take a chef thing. I chose all of the menu items that I wanted. I told him that I wanted plates and utensils, etc. Anyways, he texted me 30 minutes after he's supposed to be here and was like, wait, did you say you wanted your own plates to use your own plates and utensils, or did you want me to provide it for the additional hundred dollars? I was like, yeah, no, I no, I want, I wanted, yeah, I want your shit. Okay, it's gonna take me an additional 45 minutes. He definitely went to like the closest store and got the shittiest plastic plates ever, which I'm gonna tell you how much this was just to like it was a pretty good amount of money, but I want you to know like how insane it was $2,400.
Speaker 4:What that's insane $2,400.
Speaker 2:And I was like I love my friends and I was like I want this just to be like a nice experience. I also don't want my friends to have to pay for anything, I want them just to come, we can sit down, we can drink wine and have a nice meal. That was the plan. Shows up 45 minutes late with the shittiest plates I've ever seen. Bags of trader joe's groceries. Okay, yeah, like, I shop at trader joe's too. It's all pre-made stuff two hundred dollars a plate, by the way, pre-made trader joe's. Well, he also shows up late.
Speaker 2:He like does this speech in front of all of us after again showing up late. I think he thought that like if he brought the vibe, then we would just forget about, like, the meal that I paid 2400 for and the fact that he was 45 minutes late. So he does this whole like speech thing and it's like look, I'm not just gonna go in the kitchen and cook for you. Okay, I'm not your mom first of all. That's your fucking. That's you like. Literally, your job title is go into the kitchen and cook for us. I paid you $2,400 to do just that. He's like I'm here to entertain.
Speaker 2:No you're not bitch Like. Also, my friends are like the most entertaining people ever. We got that. We got that covered again. Just the fucking meal. When you get a chance, you're already an hour late and now you're doing like a hype promo huddle. Like you gathered us together to like whatever he said. He's not our mom, he's not gonna cook for us like again your literal one job description.
Speaker 2:And then he was going through the menu and I picked this dish that like had an egg in it but it wasn't like a fucking egg casserole, and he was like yeah, um, he chose this egg dish for dinner, which I'd have never had anyone choose it for a dinner, because it's it has eggs in it um, so I'm gonna do something a little bit different.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna do mushroom caps. I fucking hate mushrooms. I know I pre-selected the menu. What do you mean? We're just gonna you're just like on a limb, gonna do mushrooms brings us out these mushroom caps. So fucking gross, like truly like inedible. Everyone was like this is fucking disgusting. Like on these plastic plates too, it just like looked so shitty. I like bought tablecloths for this. I bought like nice candles. Like I dropped too much money at world market to make this shit look cute.
Speaker 2:I thought this man would also be like wearing an apron and like a tie. Maybe he's wearing like air jordan shorts and like a t-shirt. He walks in also. He like walked in with this giant wagon full of shit, like I'm helping him like unload his groceries. Like what do you mean? Oh also, hey, do you have any pots and pans? I can use what? So then he's doing so. There's four courses. Between each course, he's just like first of all, no one ate the mushrooms because they were inedible. I have a picture of it and I will attach it to the instagram. He would, just in between, just like literally rinse off the plates with water and then re-serve them completely sopping, fucking wet with the residue from the previous thing. The second dish oh, the first dish was just a piece of um trader joe's bread that he cut up, put in the oven and then put a fig on top, and then he was like no, like spread or anything well, he actually did a garnish um, which was pecan.
Speaker 2:He just did some like crushed up pecans on the side. He used my pecans, he used my trader, joe's pecans that he got from my cupboard, which I didn't piece it until later when I, like, was cleaning up after he didn't do any of the dishes, by the way, he left all of it. He like left them to soak. Bitch, what do you mean? You're leaving them to soak? You left my house. You're never coming back. So then he also was like oh, does anyone want more of like the bread and fig? And we all were fucking starving. It was mid as hell. And we're like, yeah, that'd be great. And then he was like so everyone wants another one. And we're like, yeah, possible. He's like, well, I can only do three more. So then it's like okay, well, I guess three of us will take this is the first dish.
Speaker 2:Second dish was the mushroom caps that he just completely switched out, which were inedible and so fucking disgusting and the plates were sopping wet. Third, third dish was, uh, trader joe's risotto, again on the sopping wet plates, and then also like it was awkward because like he was like running around, like stressed, and so then my friend lena like started helping wash the plates and again I thought this would be like such a nice thing where we all just were drinking and having wine and being like wined and fucking dined. Meanwhile we are doing the dishes and he's using my trader joe's pecans to garnish dishes. The final dish no, the risotto was the main and then the finale was trader joe's molten lava cakes for dessert. Thanks, oh, 220 a person, grand total 2400.
Speaker 2:And I also, like he didn't realize he kept just being like how's everything going? How's everything going? And I'm like I'm not gonna tell this man in real time that this shit is horrible, right, because what is the point? Like it's already horrible, like I don't want to kill the vibe and you're not going to make things weird yeah, and so then I was just like yeah, things are good.
Speaker 2:He's like is there anything I could like change?
Speaker 4:I don't know everything also like baby, I'm not a chef, I'm paying you right and he kept just being like asking me for things.
Speaker 2:Also, we used all of my own utensils. After, like I said I was gonna, we ran out of forks, so people are like eating the risotto with like a butter knife. It was like such a horrible experience but like luckily, it was so fucking bad that all my friends were like laughing and we're like this is so fun. Obviously, like it completely ruined the night and he had ended up being there for four hours and so then he left like 11 30 and we were gonna go out, and so then we went out to like one bar and then I'm like, okay, let's just like call it yeah.
Speaker 4:Was everyone like hungry, Starving?
Speaker 2:starving, which I'm like we could have ordered like you could have ordered so much food. For that price we could have gotten really good food. We could have just gone out to dinner.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you literally could have gone to like michelin star, right, I could have like rented us a fucking boat.
Speaker 2:But I was like this is like would be cute, and like I'm like you could have like taken everyone to the amalfi coast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, fucking cruise for my birthday, carnival cruise for my birthday like dead ass, I could have done that anyway, still have to tip the man. And then he was like also, that's just a moment, there's a hundred dollars for the plates. So I had to give him a hundred dollars for the plates, also tip him anyways. The experience was fucking horrible. All of us were like that was so insane. Like the group chat the next day was going crazy. The debrief after he left, um again like how did I help him? Like load his shit up into his car, left all the dishes, thank you A million. Um. So then I was like okay, like obviously I'm going to get my money back. Like that was fucking insane. And so we reached back out Nothing we can do about it, thank you, what do you mean? They're like well, we already gave chef Amir the money and so, like you can reach out to him like privately to get the money back. I'm not gonna like wait.
Speaker 2:That seems so unprofessional on their end, right, I'm like you hire this man, like I'm not gonna text him, like hey, can I have the 2600 back that I sent you?
Speaker 4:right. What were his credentials?
Speaker 2:so he actually didn't have any. So then later obviously I did a deep dive on his linkedin. He is an actor producer, um, it has like he's just doing this as a side gig, which I'm like I fucking love the hustle, I respect the shit out of it so don't fuck me over yeah, like, don't at the expense of 2600.
Speaker 2:I don't give a fuck about your hustle. Get out of my fucking house and and leave the trader. Oh, he also like left me the like frozen trader joe's bolt and also left me the frozen Trader Joe's Bolton Lobbit the extras. Thank you so much. He's such a good guy though dead ass, he's really good. Anyways, could not get the money back. We complained so many times. There's literally nothing they could do because they already paid him. Figure it out. Figure the fuck out. Anyways, blow up. Take a Chef's Instagram. They're horrible.
Speaker 2:Chef Am amir, you're a little fucking scheming bitch. I respect the hell out of your hustle again, piss that it came at the cost of 2600. But I'm obsessed with you genuinely. Like you are talented, gifted. So that's why I wanted to talk to a private chef, because, like, what do you mean? Y'all got away with this. And also I feel like the vibe with a private chef is always weird because it's like you're kind of in someone's space and you're like doing a favor for them, but again, like it feels like you're always like stepping on toes and kind of like tiptoe around people. Also it's like, do you guys decide what you make people.
Speaker 2:The chef that we're calling was a private chef for a very rich family, which I'm like okay, that sounds like such a sick gig. I want to do family, which I'm like okay, that sounds like such a sick gig. I want to do that, except I don't know how to cook. But luckily I'm gonna get a job with take a chef, because you need no fucking experience. You can just show up with your bag of trader joe shit and just and just go fucking buck wild and you can get the baby plates, the plastic baby plates from target on your way over and then charge me a hundred dollars for it. Thank you a million. Anyways, we're gonna dial in a private chef.
Speaker 2:I also like, since I am like I'm in my cooking era aka putting chicken meatballs in the air fryer and then getting a fork and then eating it out from the aluminum I I would love to know just some quick and easy recipes, because I can't keep living like this. This shit is sad, this shit depressing. Again, I know how to. I got a cucumber. What the am I gonna do with it besides slicing dice and stick it up my ass? But like you can say like that, if you don't care, dialing in a private chef, all right. No one else to do it, all right.
Speaker 3:Hello.
Speaker 2:Hi, gopher, brett Kidding. Hey, how are you? Hey, I'm good. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I heard you were also pregnant. Congratulations, by the way. Way, let me be the first person to congratulate you on your pregnancy where also is it a boy or girl? Can you tell her? No, it's a boy.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, I knew it I literally knew it for like the second I talked to you like it's gonna be a little little boy. Oh wow, that's exciting. What's the most annoying thing like people have? Like what it's like the most annoying thing that, like I feel people just ask so many questions to pregnant ladies as I'm having you on my podcast for to talk about your job and I'm like okay, so like walk me through pregnancy. What's the most annoying like thing that people ask you as a pregnant chef?
Speaker 3:pregnant. Yeah, seriously there. I think it's like what? Like? What food do you crave the most? I'm like literally everything. I have been eating like a linebacker since I found out that I was pregnant. Like cheeseburgers are hitting french fries, literally everything. I know that's not a fun answer, but just like whatever I can get my hands on.
Speaker 2:Wait, what is culinary school? Like I genuinely have zero idea. Like are you taking a lot of courses, a lot of like hands on? I'm just like I've only seen one cooking show. I am just imagining chopped, but like a class format.
Speaker 3:It was honestly like the time of my life. It was so fun. I wish I could just be a culinary student forever, a culinary student forever. We're just like cooking all the time. Yeah, my program. So there's different.
Speaker 3:I went to the Culinary Institute of America. I was in a program that was 100% in the kitchen. They have, you know, different degree programs where you're taking, like business classes and like other class, like you know, getting other credits that you would need to get, like a bachelor's degree and stuff. I already had a bachelor's degree going into it. So I was in the program that is 100% in the kitchen and it was so fun.
Speaker 3:We like I had a class of 25 to 30 people, and so you get to know those people really well. You're working like in teams with them a lot. You're also working like individually, yeah, based on your curriculum, like whatever class you're in. You're working like in teams with them a lot. You're also working like individually, yeah, based on your curriculum, like whatever class you're in. You're like getting a recipe book and an instructor that's teaching you, um, how to make those recipes and learning the techniques, and then you get to eat all the food as well, which is awesome did the teacher just like eat and like kind of rate and judge all the food?
Speaker 3:yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome.
Speaker 2:I know I'm like you should do that. I know you're like having a kid right now.
Speaker 3:I'm like, no, maybe be a, be a professor maybe I will be one day, because that sounds super fun.
Speaker 2:Wait also like. Are people like? Are most people who are in culinary school like equipped to be in it? Or are there people where it's like baby, like you shouldn't like? How'd you get here?
Speaker 3:There's definitely those people. Yeah, there's definitely people that, like, didn't know how to crack an egg.
Speaker 2:Okay, do a lot of people drop out of culinary school?
Speaker 3:I would say yes, because it was interesting. A lot of people there really just wanted to cook and didn't want to learn, and so it's like why don't you just go work in a restaurant, like well you don't have to cook a meal, just make yourself dinner.
Speaker 3:Get out of here yeah, it's not like being a doctor where you like, you have to have a degree to do it so I think a lot of people like sign up for it, thinking it's just gonna be like, not like school, like it's just like, oh, you're given a kitchen and a bunch of food and go cook, but like it's still school, like you still have to learn and listen and you know, do what the teacher says.
Speaker 2:And a lot of people don't want to do that, especially adults I kind of want to do it just for like the culture, like I would be the person who's just like. I'm just looking for something to do.
Speaker 3:They should make it like a reality show, because there was definitely like a cultural aspect and like a lot of dynamics between people's, like backgrounds and like different ages and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:It was entertaining Alright. Well, I'll be on the show, so if you mind finding like a producer and the budget for this, then I will jump in. So you were a private chef and you worked for a specific family, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yep.
Speaker 2:Were they just like really loaded, or like what was that like? Did you live with them?
Speaker 3:So, yeah, pretty much they were very well off. I did not live with them. So, yeah, pretty much they were very well off. I did not live with them. I just got really lucky and they had made a job posting. I found on like I don't know like LinkedIn or something I can't remember where, but yeah, so they had a job posting that they were looking for a private chef to work for them Monday through Friday, friday, nine to five, which, like in the culinary world, like those hours are like unheard of, because, like restaurant stuff, you're like working nights, weekends, etc. They also had a nutritionist and the nutritionist had this whole like healthy, like meal plan for them. But they're like one, we don't know how to cook this stuff and two like nor do we want to spend the time and energy to shop for it and cook for it that's so crazy.
Speaker 2:They hire a nutritionist and a private chef. What was your relationship like with the family? Was that like normal? Was it weird? Was it like really easy, like how were, how were they?
Speaker 3:we, we had a great relationship. Um, they were super nice and very like kind, like they were never like rude or anything and yeah, they were always like very pleasant and you know, if they like had feedback for me, they always gave it very like respectfully. They never were like this is gross or we don't want this or anything like that oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:Our entire power just went out. We're sitting in a dark room right now hello hi from the blackout, complete power outage, entire street. Thanks, so we're just gonna do it with the lighting being a little bit bad. Um, do you still cry when you cut onions, or have you moved past that like? Do we just like develop a trait that makes for me?
Speaker 3:I always cry and like. My worst trait as a like cook or chef is that I like will avoid cutting an onion at all costs, because I always am like sobbing and it's like I don't know how to get around to this?
Speaker 2:Do you do like the goggles technique or do you just really do anything with power to not have to cut an onion?
Speaker 3:I haven't done the goggles. I've tried things like not breathing through my nose. People have like a fan or ventilation that helps.
Speaker 2:Should I be washing my produce or no?
Speaker 3:I think we should be washing our produce. Do I always do it? No, like most times, I don't. If I'm cooking for somebody else, I will, because I'm like care about their health more than mine, but if it's around it's like who cares, just throwing the I know I'm like okay do you still get like like?
Speaker 2:every single time I cook my friends anything which is it's just very simple dishes, I'm like, so, like it's bad, no, like it's, yeah, it's probably not even good. Who cares?
Speaker 3:like are you still weird about people eating your food or are you confident in serving dishes at this point I think there's things I'm confident in, but a lot of times I'm like do you like it? Is it good? Like, is it something that I just like? Like, what do you like about it?
Speaker 2:um so, yeah, I definitely. What dish are you most confident in making? And also what dish is the hardest slash your least confident in making? Um, I love making like anything related to pasta oh my god, I was literally just thinking about lasagna. Could you make a good?
Speaker 3:yeah god, that sounds so good homemade lasagna, also just like hits, so different than store-bought, but I do a lot of store-bought lasagna. Right now I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 2:Can you give me like three, maybe quick and easy, just like. Oh, here's three recipes that you probably would think of that are really easy, that I could maybe start mixing into my um, to my meals yeah, love it.
Speaker 3:Um quick and easy. So I think, like something that I love to do is just like a pasta with like, um, like any type of sausage that you like, like, um, like. I just had the garlic and herb chicken sausage from trader joe.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, it's so fucking good it's so good and it's like quick protein, yeah, and then, um, like you can make your own sauce by just doing like cherry tomatoes and a pan, um, and a little bit of olive oil, and like some garlic if you're feeling crazy or if you don't mind crying, cutting up an onion, wow, and like that all comes together really nice and um feels like you, you know, went to a lot of work, but you didn't have to like use a jarred sauce, which I'm not opposed to I like can't even imagine a world where I'm making my own sauce by just having tomatoes.
Speaker 2:But like and I'm envisioning it now I'm like, holy shit, do you like air fryers I? What are your thoughts on them?
Speaker 3:I don't use air fryers. I'm not against it for people I just feel like I haven't ever had success with them and I tell people it's because I think I'm just a control freak. I want to be able to control the cooking a little bit more. And for the air fryer you put it in the basket and close it and then it comes out how it comes out and that stresses me out like I'm gonna like make my own sauce.
Speaker 2:Like holy shit, I'm like better than everyone else um well, are there any other things that you would want us to know about being a private chef?
Speaker 3:us little guys, us average people um, it's a super fun job, I would say like. I think people think that you know you get a lot, of, a lot more creative freedom than you do, though, because, like, at the end of the day, you're trying to like keep your clients happy. So there's like a lot of times where I'm cooking stuff that I wouldn't necessarily like want to eat all the time, but I'm like trying to make it good and enjoyable for them, and then I think people think that anybody that's a cook or a chef, um, is like really picky about where they eat, but a lot of the times, like we've talked about, mostly we're eating like fast food or like frozen food at home, because we've spent all our energy cooking for other people well, thank you so much for coming on here.
Speaker 2:I know you have so much going on in your life right now. I can't even imagine um and congrats again like you are gonna be a wonderful mother and that kid is gonna eat fucking good, my god, all right. Well, thank you so much. Good luck with everything.
Speaker 2:Thank, you so much it was fun. Bye, bye, yo, that was a private chef, that was not my private chef, could not be chef amir, that chef morgan has her shit together in a way that I can't even imagine. I also like yeah, I want to go to culinary school. Who cares? Dead ass. Like for nine months, fuck it, got nothing else better. This podcast isn't going anywhere. Um the studio's falling apart, fuck it, I'm gonna do culinary school. Um, that call was so good and there was no technical issues and the lighting was really good and the sound was.
Speaker 1:The sound was good as far as we know, the sound was good as far as we know, the audio is good, but I'm excited to watch back and see how dark like it really got in here the energy in the room was dark.
Speaker 2:I think I assumed the lighting was really dark and so was the energy. It was a sad, scary moment, um, but luckily tonight, today, we have the windows open, the wasp are kind of able to come in and out, which is nice. Indoor, outdoor seating, which is cool, um, but yeah, I think I'm gonna go to culinary school because I have nothing else really. You know, unless I book snl or um, my podcast studio stops falling apart. Like what else am I gonna do?
Speaker 2:you know it. I don't even have to like I don't, it doesn't even need an introduction. You guys know where I'm going with this. You guys literally love this shit so much. Am I in the wrong. Like my god, am I in the wrong, my friend, my friend is always going around. I'm also gonna be really good at reading out loud now, cuz I've been reading my book. It is crazy where I'm like.
Speaker 2:When I read my book, I'm like, oh my god, I forgot about this word and it would just be like a very normal word. I'm like when I read my book, I'm like, oh my God, I forgot about this word and it would just be like a very normal word. I'm like I can't wait to start using this in like my day to day. And it was like the word counter, like counter argue. I was like, oh, wow, okay, yeah, you can just say shit. Um, yeah, I need to go back to school, culinary school.
Speaker 2:My friend is always going around telling people he is a professional chef. So, chef amir, it's fucking nuts. He is actually just a cook at applebee's and I don't want to diss applebee's or anything, but it's not like the cooks there are designing recipes or making anything complex. Also, whenever we're with the people, we're with people and the topic of food comes up, he will chime in, say something like I should know I'm a professional chef after all. Oh god, I would punch him like. So I like pisses me off.
Speaker 2:I've gotten to the point where whenever he says he's a professional chef, I butt in and laugh and says he's a cook at applebee's or I will say an aggressive, exaggerated tone oh really, tell me what restaurant you're a chef at. He gets very angry at me when I do this and is currently not speaking to me, so me and Holly and it's caused drama in our friend group. Half of the group is siding with him saying that I'm mocking him and the other half says I'm correct in calling him out. They are arguing with each other now because of it. Am I in the wrong? Wow, wow, just wow. This actually, this is. This is kind of timely.
Speaker 2:You remember when I said like I will do anything in my power not to embarrass someone no I think, like I can be mean, I can be rude, I can be abrasive, I also can be sweet, I can be genuine, I can be down to earth. I really I hate making someone feel embarrassed or uncomfortable like I'm, like I, what's the point of embarrassing someone? Because, like you know, they feel like shit and then like, if you are the person who's like embarrassing them, it's like I hate making people feel embarrassed and that's why I hate going to stand-up comedy shows because, like, I feel like you have to like kind of pity laugh because I don't want someone to feel embarrassed, like they're flopping like out of their fucking mind even if they are horrible. But I feel like it's hard when it's like oh, you're a fucking, you were a professional chef. Like you can only say that so many times before it's like let's, let's look at the cold, hard facts. Bitch, you like are a cook at Applebee's no shade, no beef.
Speaker 2:But throwing out professional chef is like nuts with love, but then I'm also like your friend's, just gonna keep getting pissed if you like say shit like this and like, but then it's also like baby, like I, you can't be calling yourself a professional chef if you cook at applebee's with so much love. I mean it also. It's just like what is your career? Say there's no way um saying, well, now, this just sounds kind of mean. Now, well, I was gonna say calling it a career. And you, it is a career, regardless of where you work. That is your job, that is your career. And I feel like it's just like why are you? Like? Obviously, if I was friends with this person, this would piss me off and I probably would talk shit about them behind their back to their friends, like if they say professional chef, one more time, I gonna fucking lose it. But also like genuinely like.
Speaker 4:What is the point of being like bitch? You're not a professional chef, you work at applebee's. You dumb bitch like that, just like. It's just kind of mean. Yeah, I kind of feel bad, I'm like just like let them have it right.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like just let them exactly no, I do think it is like again. It would like really test my patience. To be like you know what. You can call yourself a professional chef. Like that is a huge stretch. But then also it's like I'm not going to be like like that is just like mean and embarrassing and invalidating of someone's career and job. To be like baby, you're not a professional chef, you work at Applebee's.
Speaker 2:He's still working and he's passionate about his job. He thinks he's a professional chef. Let him, let him think, let him live in that slight delusion there's. Really it doesn't harm you that much again like it would annoy the fuck out of me and I would clock every single time they say shit like that. But it's also like again with a job too. It's like I feel like if it was something else, where it's like if someone was talking that sounds like it was gonna be about joe, well, I was gonna say, you know, like those people who are just like very delusional about like a crush, where it's like like baby, like I, I, I think that is like a little bit different. Where it's like this is not about jo.
Speaker 1:I'm not offended because I'm not delusional. I know that we would be great together yeah baby, you are.
Speaker 2:No, you know, you know and I know and we all know. But no, I feel like this like when someone has like a delusional crush on someone and they're like and it's like okay, but like really you think you're a professional cook, you work at applebee's bitch. Like you're just mean, like that's just mean and it's like not productive and it is so fucking annoying and I know my ass would clock it every single time they said it. But again, this is something with love, that you would say to your other friend who's with you when that person leaves the room where it's like if he says professional chef, one more time I'm gonna lose it, but you won't actually lose it because this is your friend and you love them and this is their career and job and like you don't need to just randomly be a dick. I think this woman's in the wrong and I think it is a thing where, especially the like tell him where you work. No, tell him where you work. He works at applebee's. That's mean, that's mean and that goes like I don't want to embarrass someone. That's embarrassing. Like is it really worth like putting down your friend to prove a fucking point. Let him say he's a professional chef? He's not, but like he can think that. So I'm going to dial her in. Hey, bitch Kidding. But you are being kind of a bitch right now and I know that it's like annoying that he's saying this and like if I were in your situation I would clock every single time he says professional chef. But like you don't have to, you don't have to call him out, just let him have this one thing and you can talk shit about him behind his back to his friends, about this specific thing, like if you have to get it off your chest, but you don't need to be a bitch for no reason. Um, so yeah, I'm not even gonna let you talk because you're mean. Okay, bye, yo.
Speaker 2:That's another fucking episode of dialing in with brett. Um, it was seamless, it was flawless. Uh, very few insects were involved, no power shortages, um, so yeah, the camera did die. So for you audio listeners, you lucked out, um, because it is just gonna be a still of me sitting. I'm so sorry the video has been bad and like, truly, next week is gonna be. It's next week's gonna be a fun episode and it's gonna look a little bit different. It's gonna be a little bit different format. It's gonna be fun.
Speaker 2:I also might be getting drunk on the episode, I don't know anything can happen on dialing in with brett, but thank you guys so much for listening, for watching the horrible quality video. Um, truly, we love you and just know three midwesterners love you to pieces. And just remember, this is farm to table, grassroots, usda approved and we're not. We're doing it ourselves and so shit will go wrong. But my god, I wouldn't want to do it with any other people and I love my girls and, anyways, love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. Episode 10, I'm getting drunk as piss. You're not going to want to miss it Because then every drink comes, but I love you guys.
Speaker 1:All right, Eh, eh, eh eh.