Dialing In with Brett
It’s sad, really. No one wants to start a podcast nowadays — so Brett stepped up. Dialing In with Brett is a dry-comedy show where comedian Brett Neustrom does what any curious (but lazy) person would do: cold calls people with his “hard-hitting” questions. Are all “boy moms” secretly in love with their sons? Do parking enforcement officers ever feel guilty? Do old people have sex in nursing homes? Brett’s got the questions. The guests have the answers. And you? I’m sure you probably have nothing better to do.
Critics are calling his unserious, light-hearted, and wildly dramatic interrogations a brilliant way to nourish the human psyche. (No critics have written in, but I’m sure they’d say something along those lines.)
New episodes drop every Thursday… Now, let’s dial the f*ck in.
Dialing In with Brett
12. can a family of five fit in one hotel room??
This week on Dialing In with Brett, Brett reminisces over his childhood shenanigans, laughs about his mom getting hit on, and dials in his brother.
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hi, this is brett. I was dialing you in because I had a question. I there's no way. Hello god, what a dick. Hi, y'all, welcome back to Dialing In with Brett.
Speaker 2:This is the chopped episode, kidding, but I am just like wearing whatever I want because I'm exhausted. I also look like I haven't slept in six years, which is like damn near true. I was going to wear sunglasses, but that just felt like very performative, but now you can see just like how I haven't slept in like six years. Anyway, we're back. We're back in the studio.
Speaker 2:I'm about to jet out here shortly, going on a little weekend, uh, getaway to San Francisco, um, but yeah, shit's good enough here. We are gonna start a Facebook page and we're gonna have that up and running by the time this episode's out. So the facebook page is up and running. So, yeah, let's, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be involved in the facebook page. I'm gonna engage. Send some things that you guys. I'm like horrible at responding to dms. I see your dms, I love you guys so much, um, but this is a good place to go put those things in. You guys send me really funny things. There was this video of a man like taking borderline, like a power saw to his feet and multiple people sent it to me and said is this you? That's funny as hell and that would do numbies in the Facebook page.
Speaker 1:If it helps. He's pretty bad at responding to personal texts as well.
Speaker 2:It genuinely is not personal. I just I won't respond if I don't want to, so yay, brett has finally been enlightened and has started watching girls.
Speaker 4:I started watching girls.
Speaker 2:I feel like I need to just start watching better. After watching the summer I turn pretty pretty. I know I have seen every single episode of it. I obviously like it, but like, I feel like I'm like I need to watch some things that like I feel inspired by. Like obviously I'm thrilled she ended up with conrad. I didn't, I, I did not give a flying fuck about the dinner party, don't really care about jeremiah anymore. Oh, he ended up without homie. Hopper, denise, yeah, she's tried. Everyone in the friend group. I hate when a show is like oh, everyone just ends up with everyone even though everyone's already been together, like some riverdale type shit where it's like they have to do, because those are the characters in the show bring in someone new and not denise.
Speaker 2:Not denise what?
Speaker 4:you wouldn't want to commit to a new person in the last episode.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, so like I know, but then it's just like everything, just like felt about love. Oh, fucking Jeremiah now has like is like a private chef. When the fuck did that happen?
Speaker 1:Like he literally didn't know how to probably like flip a burger a year ago and now he's like doing like a souffle for 25 people. I feel like they could have maybe given some hints that would happen like sooner on. It's also like does he even want to?
Speaker 2:be a chef. Like was that ever his dream? Like it's like finally he's living out his dream. He's never once talked about cooking. Also, conrad's the one drilling up that dried fucking chicken for belly. Like we haven't even seen jeremiah in the kitchen and now that's his entire thing. And also like employs Taylor and kind of Denise. Now, like he has.
Speaker 1:Like a Taylor's in PR obviously running that shit. All my wait staff just canceled. Who are we gonna have now?
Speaker 2:I really was rooting for Taylor all season. I really like she was the comeback kid for me, because I didn't fuck with it the first few seasons. And this season I was like I actually like I really care for her. The last episode it's like fuck, ok, yeah, now my caterers just cancel on me. Yeah, fuck my life, oh yep. And there goes that yeah, I'm like girl, like I also might go back to like I don't care about this whole thing.
Speaker 4:Like I just need to see belly and conrad like dry humping in paris. Like that's what I'm, the only reason I'm here right now. I think the most unrealistic part of it is that jeremiah with that hair like he couldn't be cooking. There's no way one of those blonde curls didn't end up in a lava cake he needs to shave his head the chris briney, aka conrad, as I just showed you, is reading like erotica.
Speaker 1:And would you ever do that? Not unless the price was not unless there was a good budget um I mean like do you think he's getting paid for that?
Speaker 2:like probably a fuck ton. So yeah, I would do it for a fuck ton.
Speaker 4:Will you give us a preview?
Speaker 2:No, I'm not doing that shit for free, do?
Speaker 1:a little ASMR. Do you have an extra hair tie?
Speaker 2:Do you care if I do a the?
Speaker 4:teacher's not looking. She's not going to be back for a while, so Do you mind if I do a French braid?
Speaker 2:Do you use?
Speaker 4:a deep conditioning mask. Your hair is so soft.
Speaker 2:How do you feel about a fishtail braid? Do you want to do a low pony instead? It's your choice. It's your hair. Alright, I'm just going to brush it out. Oh, does that feel good? Ew, I didn't like that. That's like the same thing. I made a TikTok yesterday. Check it out it did really well. You probably yesterday check it out. It did really well.
Speaker 4:You probably saw it um, because 1.2 million people did um kidding, obviously it's gonna surpass the numbers of ellen's oscar photo no yeah, and the fucking egg too.
Speaker 2:Um, but I accidentally said good girl in it and I was like oh, she's a good girl and I meant like a good kid. And then I had to say good kid after, but then, like saying good girl, I was just like that feels like very like good girl. Today we're calling in my brother because I want to talk about family dynamics. Family, I feel like, is such like a weird concept and I feel like now, like, looking back at it, it's like crazy, where it's like what do you mean? We like grew up together and now, like me and my siblings and parents like all live in different places and just like kind of do our own thing.
Speaker 2:But there was a time where, like I didn't breathe without my brother and sister. I also used to have a I shared a room with my brother until like an almost inappropriate age and one memory that like we had bunk beds, obviously, and it like I'm four years younger than my brother, so like it was still like semi-appropriate for my age to be sharing a room with my brother. We also had an extra bedroom. It was a guest room we had like my grandparents stay with us like once a year and we're like we have to have this guest room anyways.
Speaker 2:At age like 16 my brother kidding, maybe we'll ask him on the call, but it was like at like age 15 he had his own room and we shared bunk beds or we had a bunk bed it was the night before picture day, and I was probably like 8 to 10 years old and the bottom bunk was slightly bigger than the top bunk and my brother, sick, leaned over the top bunk and threw up all over me because there was probably like two feet of opening. I had a little extra, I had a bigger bed for my fat ass, um, and so, yeah he, there was puke all over my body. So I just like, like, also like. What the fuck do you do in that situation where, just like, you're covered in upchuck that's also not your own?
Speaker 2:so, just like, I just like laid there and started screaming and then like that effect picture day well, I just think, like it was like this fucking sucks, like I'm already so chopped like I need to, like I pulled all the steps, like I like laid my outfit out, like shower the night before, like even gelled my hair, but like it was just like I feel like well prepared for picture day, and then now I have like fucking puke on me and it's 3am, here he comes so yeah, then I just like I was like my parents came in, I was like sobbing and then I like I don't know why I like walked so slowly, just like would throw up on me to my parents shower I couldn't get in my own because I was just being emotional Showered, was like sobbing the entire shower and then got back into my bed, went to sleep and I don't even remember how my pictures turned out.
Speaker 2:I'm sure I looked fucking chopped, but hey, it's the chopped episode.
Speaker 1:So did you ever get like a fun color background on your pictures?
Speaker 2:You know how you could? No, because I think it was yeah. Also, it's like you can pay like seven dollars extra and we will brighten the blue a little bit in the background but it was to get like burnt orange.
Speaker 4:Yeah, who's getting?
Speaker 2:and it always was so funny, because then in the yearbook we all, like all of our broke asses have the default setting, and then it's like someone with like a, an amber background. It's like fuck you. Like okay, yeah, your dad has like you how you come from money. Like okay, we get it. We all have like the like blue gray background that like really just washes us out, and then it's like the fucking pop of color and you would get the little wallet like because your parents would have to mark, like, what size of photos you were getting.
Speaker 4:So it's like two, five by sevens for grandma, um, uh, eight by ten for the living room, and then we'll get you a sheet of wallet size to hand to your friend I also, like I don't know why, I always was pushing for like the most amount of pictures where I'm like what?
Speaker 2:I didn't even do anything with them. I also was so fucking annoying as a kid because I like took gymnastics for a while. I was doing handstands everywhere, and so was my sister. We actually had a balance beam set up. This is actually a perfect episode to talk about my gymnastics era. We got a duct tape, duct tape balance beam. My dad would just be like watching tv and my sister I'd be like doing like split jumps and like cartwheels on our duct tape balance beam, while my dad's like trying to watch cnn did you ever go to chow's?
Speaker 2:yeah, wait, did you actually?
Speaker 4:yeah, chow's was like legendary no, it was like if your parents can afford chow's well, that's what we could afford chow's, but not the beam at home.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you guys know gabby douglas or sean johnson, but yeah, they like went to my gym. So, yeah, went to the same gym as an Olympian too, but yeah, it's not a big deal. I quit when I was like nine because everyone's like that's kind of gay and I was like, wait, yeah, you're right, I also would do like handstands against the walls, like I'm. I was. So the kid was like mom, watch this, watch this. And it'd just be me doing like a cart wheel, just like, okay, trying to like make dinner for everyone.
Speaker 4:Like wait one more, that was bad did you have like neighbor friends, or yeah?
Speaker 2:I got so lucky as a family that didn't have a trampoline. I lived across the street from two families that did have trampolines and there's no way any of these children are listening to the pot children. They're like my age or older, um, but there was one more like homeschooled family that I kind of took under my wing, and then the other one like I was the youngest and it was like the homeschool family had like a very like safe, like netted trampoline, and the other one there was like no net, which is had like a very like safe, like netted trampoline, and the other one there was like no net, which is like so scary and you could just like jump on and off and we would play trampoline dodgeball where someone would stand off of it and would be like nearly like four feet away from you and would just like chuck a ball at you and we would get like severely hurt. And every single time I'd get out I would be like I'm going home and I would like pout and cry and pretend to go all the way home, but I actually would just perch on the side of my neighbor's like roof. He had like a little like a small roof over the shed and so I would just perch there and watch. I would sit there and wait to see if anyone would come and like check on me and then like sometimes I just hear them like for two more additional hours. I'm like, damn, my presence means fucking nothing to you guys. Like I'm going to take space Like.
Speaker 2:But I was the youngest so I had like no legs to stand on. But I also would cry all the time. But they used to like be so mean to me Like I remember my oldest cousin. He like held me over the lake by my life jacket. I was like like freaking the fuck out and like then he just like put me down and they would all laugh. I also was just like bad things would happen to me. I tried to be like so sweet so they would like me, but then I would like fuck myself on the foot, so bad.
Speaker 2:Like one time my cousin, who I'm like really close with now, she like would always spend the night at our house and I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna make toaster strudels for everyone so they can have breakfast, and like I will win brownie points, whatever. So I make them toaster strudels, do a little fucking design on it, you know. And then I was like breakfast is served, my sister and my cousin were pretending to be asleep and I was like guys take my cousin's pillow and hit her in the face, like wake her up. She had her Nintendo DS in the pillow and I completely smacked the fuck out of her mouth. She started gushing blood and she had to get like a root canal surgery and like fucked up her teeth. So then, like I was the enemy and I was like how the fuck was I supposed to know her Nintendo DS was in her pillow.
Speaker 3:I'm thinking still of you being picked up by your life jacket and like that is crazy when you're young that you can just be picked up right same with like rita, your dog yeah, she is like crazy.
Speaker 1:You can just like oh, you don't want to be here? Well, I'm gonna pick you up and take you there, right?
Speaker 2:it's like, oh, you have free will, but also, at the end of the day, like not at all, like someone could just lift you up. That's like I remember my uncle would tickle the fuck out of me so much to a point where I was like this, like you actually, like, like I know I'm like laughing hysterically because I can't fucking stop, but like dead ass if you don't fucking stop. I also like, if anyone tickles the bottom of my feet, like I am not liable if I kick you in the mouth, like that is like I can't like tickling underneath my feet like I get violent. I also think something I draw the line is like I hate being like someone coming in and scaring me when I'm sleeping. It really hasn't ever happened, but that's why I lock my door every single night. I actually don't really care about like burglars, but like if someone just like startled me in my sleep like I would not, that would scare the fuck out of me.
Speaker 2:The lock doesn't even matter, because your door just opens my dog, my 11-pound dog, can push through my locked door because it doesn't actually lock. And I'm like no, like, I'm just like I don't fuck around with shit, like that anyone could break into my house at any given point. Just like, literally like push open my door this is so random dude.
Speaker 1:Your family ever have garage sales? Yeah and what was the kids role?
Speaker 2:I don't know why I was like somehow always like leading it, like I always feel like my mom was like annoyed that we were having a garage sale, but like she also was the one who's like we need to get rid of shit. But like why am I, as a seven-year-old, like folding all the clothes and then going piece by piece with those like little like?
Speaker 2:stickers things like seven dollars. And then I'm like I am the green clothes. So, like all of the green clothes go to me. My sister's the pink, my brother's the yellow. I'm running the door also like making lemonade. That's an optional sale. And then my mom's like inside, like cleaning the house. Like baby, they're not even coming inside you're like bartering with no genuinely I'm like I could do um the jeans with the sweater for 11, but I yeah that's a package. Those come together. We no refunds, no I remember garage sales.
Speaker 4:I always wanted to put like it would, be like a Columbia fleece that I'd had for years. I'm like I could probably get 15 out of this. My mom was like put 75 cents. No, I know.
Speaker 2:I was like I've worn it like three times. I was like give it, just put it in the free pile. Also, the like garage sale people using my bathroom. I'm like like escorting them to my bathroom to like try shit on. I'm like, yeah, the dressing rooms are right this way. Yeah, if someone want to try something on, I'm not going to take away their right to do that.
Speaker 4:I think you'll lose your right to try things on no, I, not me, not me.
Speaker 2:I've always been like this. I'm always keep my door open. You know I'm hospitable. You're running the sales floor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, here's what I can do for you the flagship.
Speaker 2:We are out of that size here, but I can send you over to my flagship location, let me triple check in the back, which is just like my bedroom. Let me see I might have that in a gray. Ooh, you like that Columbia quarter zip? I actually was maybe going to rid of one, a North Face that was similar.
Speaker 4:Let me just just wait here right now have a lemonade on the house, why I'm gonna go grab anyways. Yeah, when you would go on family vacation, was it mainly your, like, immediate family, or would you do extended family vacation?
Speaker 2:I feel like we like never did extended family vacations, which like I honestly I'm like glad because I also just am like family vacations are so well. It's also crazy, just like going back to the like free will as a kid, where it's like I have free will but then your parents could like literally just be like, pick you up physically and also metaphorically and place you anywhere, um, but then it's also like I don't want to have to wait for my fucking, like 90 year old grandma to like use the bathroom six times before we go to a museum.
Speaker 1:That I don't give a shit about and it'll be like all 20 people have decided on something they want to do and one person's like. That doesn't really work for me, so we cannot do that.
Speaker 2:Well, aunt shelly just got her hip replaced recently, so I don't think the ocean would work. I'm like, okay, look, she can fucking stay back. Then she can read in a cafe. Like I don't give a fuck, I'm 11, like I need to do something fun in the next 15 minutes, or somebody to give me a fucking rice krispy tree, or I'm gonna freak out. Um, all right, next I'm. I'm calling my brother because I think no one's gonna tell you more about my family dynamic than my brother. Right? My brother's, four years older than me, lives in New York. He's great, but, yeah, you guys are going to fucking love the guy, but we also. We had a big fight one time on a trip and I feel like my brother and I usually get along. Sometimes we don't and we'll get into that, but anyways, finally, my brother Hi Kyle, how are you? I'm good. First, we just really needed to start out with what really happened in Puerto Rico when you came back from your night out.
Speaker 3:Wow. Okay, that's one of them I wasn't even thinking about. If I'm being honest with you, I was more stepping in childhood, but we can get into it.
Speaker 2:We need to talk about this story first and then we can just move forward past it. We were in Puerto Rico. It was my brother, my mom and I and Kyle like wanted to go out and I just like wasn't feeling it and he's like, ok, well, I'm going to go out, which I honestly like respect and think is really cool that you went out in a country that you didn't know anyone in. So Kyle goes out. He's drinking, you know, dancing with his friends that he met out at the bar, comes back drunk as piss at like three in the morning, has his phone flashlight on, just like you know, in a pitch black hotel room, like blackout curtains, like any light comes on and is just like the most bright altering life light ever and he's just like shining it around. I'm like there's no way.
Speaker 2:Then he gets into bed with me and he like is typing on his uh, he's texting on his phone volume on. So it's like like so loud brightness up all the way again in a pitch black hotel room, lighting up like the fucking, like a skyline, and then i'm'm like Kyle, there's no way, like you have to stop. He goes under the cover, still so bright that you can see it's like a. It's shining through the sheets in the comforter somehow. And then the next day I brought it up and I was like kind of giving him a hard time. And then what did you do?
Speaker 3:So I okay, I think, before I answer that question, we I have to add a little bit of context. You were 18, like a freshman in college and I just graduated college. I was like 22 um, and it was just you, me and our mom, which is really random.
Speaker 3:I can't remember why my dad didn't go we were all staying in an hotel room, of course which is maybe something we'll get into later in this pod. How our family literally only stayed in a hotel room, of course which is maybe something we'll get into later in this pod how our family literally only stayed in one hotel room with five people. Brett being a freshman in college, I thought I'd be an older brother, take him out for a night on the town. You know just the Newstrom boys dancing the night away in San Juan. But Brett didn't want to go. But I'm like you know what it's a weekend night. We were there, so I ago. But I'm like you know what it's a weekend night. We were there, so I'm doing. I'm having a great time, you know.
Speaker 2:Meetings from random people making new friends coming home drunk as piss phone number from a lady or two, hey you were active on your phone when you came back, like truly like group chat, blowing up. He went out with strangers. I'm like how are you like? Who are you kikiing with at 4 am right now? Sorry, it's just my new friends. They go to a different school, so um you know I met.
Speaker 3:Um, actually I met was like, uh, she's like a puerto rican nationalist, like she's like a communist essentially, and so you're having just kind of some spirited debates that you know, and then over dancing and mojitos and you were texting the communists until 4 am yeah, well, you know they're not working.
Speaker 2:The next day drunk texting a communist on a family vacation is crazy, but I'm obsessed. Anyways. The next day he slaps me, slaps you across the fucking face and and I was like, did you just fucking slap me?
Speaker 3:Yeah, okay, so fast forward. Like you know, I get back at 3, 4 am this is probably 8, 9 am Because Brett and my mom, you know, called it an early night. So I wake up four or five hours later, just so incredibly hungover, horribly horribly hungover. These guys are like all right, let's get up, let's walk around, and I could use an hour or two at least of just chilling. And I think like come on, kyle, get up. And I'm like, no, I'm good. They're like come on, get up, get up. And I'm like, no, you guys go. And then I think we were rehashing the, the events of the texting and I and in my hungover you know not prime state I slapped my brother across the face, which I'd never done in 22 years of life.
Speaker 2:At that point, it definitely took me by surprise. I mean, it's like fine, I think you were. You were laying it on me thick, I think you're trying to get around, but like slapping your brother's crazy you were trying to provoke me, and you succeeded in that moment I keep talking.
Speaker 3:You'll get slapped haven't had to slap you ever since, so I think it was sometimes you just have to set a precedent and sorry I slapped you.
Speaker 2:I was up all night texting a communist and I was just like I think one of the first family vacations we ever took.
Speaker 2:We were never a big spring break family yeah, which sucked so much growing up in iowa and like seeing everyone be like going to like warm places for spring break. And then we either. Also, we got free flights because my mom was a flight attendant and it's like why the fuck are we staying home or driving to kansas city? It's like the most expensive part of our trip is comps and we're like Omaha for the day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like I feel like growing up in Iowa, like the gold standard, the spring break, that I was like, damn I wish I was doing that. It was like going to Tampa or Orlando, florida, that's like where the in families are going.
Speaker 2:I was like shit, they're going to Universal Studios.
Speaker 3:I'm like they're going to go to Busch Gardens and stay at the Ramada Inn on a beach. But yeah, the one that I remember is I think it's like the first spring break trip we took. It was probably in like I don't know. I think I was in eighth grade, so it was like 2008. We went to Kansas City to go to the Kansas City Children's Museum and the funniest part of the trip- was not that.
Speaker 2:What do you mean that spring break? We used to be so fucking lame Doing that sober too Kidding. Obviously we're kids.
Speaker 3:But the funniest part of this trip is, I remember we were out and about and again, our dad wasn't on this trip. It was our mom and her three kids. Three beautiful young kids From 14, 12, 10 at the time, and we were all in our peak awkward stage too. I was in the heavy. I was in my thick boy era. I think maybe you were in a thick boy era too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was pretty thick with braces. I think we all just got. Do you remember? This was the trip like zip-ups. So we were walking around Kansas City like dripping out our asses with our mom, who some thought were single. So we were at a pizza shop.
Speaker 3:It was a Starbucks.
Speaker 2:It was a Starbucks I think Okay, anyways, you can take it from here.
Speaker 3:But we were in a Starbucks, my mom was getting a coffee, the three of us dripped out in our North Face jackets, standing next to her, and then my mom gets like approached by like a younger man, like probably in his like mid-30s.
Speaker 3:He he's like kind of like a glasses hipster type which, honestly, at the time in 2008, des Moines, we did not have many of so he's probably, you know, looks like a we probably saw us in our north faces and he's like wait, they're sick as fuck so he sees this 50 year old mom in a three middle school to elementary school age cage at the starbucks and he proceeds to ask my mom out on a money date why do I remember like in my mind being like do it.
Speaker 2:No, girl, like you should do this for you, like this is huge, like no, it's like so cool to see you have your spark back. What did she even like? I don't even remember anything else besides just like that happening, but I do remember being like excited for her, but I'm also like wait, we have a dad and he's at home also.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think she's like well, I'm flattered and I mean she's probably wearing a wedding ring for sure. So really just bold to this guy. He's like wedding ring, don't care.
Speaker 2:Three kids fine, at least they're dripped out in north face cool like they have a story for sure that's pretty much the most memorable thing in that spring I remember is the north face and mom getting hit on.
Speaker 3:If we want to share something vile, we could talk about our family's iconic trip to Disney World, which I feel like was kind of a rough one for you in a couple aspects.
Speaker 2:We went to Disney one time which I just remember, shit, a lot of the vacations I'm like. I don't really remember that much of it, but I remember us all all sleeping in like very close quarters like, and that one, like I know I was like we like at least like two to three of us, were like sharing a bed. Um, at one point I started having some stomach issues and I think it was probably just because we did rides all fucking day and my stomach was like shot I feel like, like our mom and dad were like kyle and kara, this might be serious.
Speaker 3:He's really like I don't know if it's his appendix or something, you know, he's really just not feeling well for a couple days in a row, and I think our eating habits were a bit weird on this trip too. I remember this was like I think they had a quiz nose near our hotel in orlando and we'd never had that before and like our parents brought us there, I think on the first day, and we liked it. So we just continued to have Quiznos like literally every single night.
Speaker 2:And I also remember we like we weren't really allowed to have like pop or soda at home or like really sugary drinks. But I remember we got like some souvenir cup thing that like came with it or it would like somehow was like made more sense to do that. So I cup thing that like came with it or it was like somehow was like made more sense to do that. So I was just drinking like high c like out the fucking ass, like damn near had like a camelback filled of high c. My like mouth was like permanently stained red and also the lips of like my lips were red.
Speaker 3:I'm sure my fucking shirt was red yeah, and like we never had soda or like caffeine, so I think we were just like lit as hell, like just going on rides for 12 hours a day.
Speaker 2:Counting quiz nos and then it's like, oh, randomly, I'm in a fuck ton of pain which like, yeah, this could be any of these things. Anyways, we had to go to like a walk-in clinic. And then they're like he might be constipated, here's a suppository. Cut to my dad sticking a suppository up my ass in the clinic bathroom. And then on the way home we got taco johns and I ate five soft shell tacos and then just completely blew up our bathroom, which obviously like we were in like a one bedroom, one bathroom hotel for all five of us. And it's just like I'm sure those walls were like damn, you're caving in. Also, it's just like I I get like I probably couldn't have shoved that little pill up my ass at that age, but like could we not have like had a doctor do it? Like why did dad?
Speaker 3:do it.
Speaker 2:Hey, here's this. Can you shove it up your son's ass Like baby, don't you like? Have a degree for this? Aren't you getting paid for this?
Speaker 3:I know. That's why I'm a podiatrist. I know how to do this.
Speaker 2:I'm a foot doctor. He's like they're going to charge $20 extra if we have a nurse to do this Dad asked probably what happened.
Speaker 3:And he probably saved $20 to humiliate me for life. That's another vibe of our family. I remember one time I literally cut my forehead open. I was playing baseball and ran into a fence and literally my sunglasses shattered and like what a shard of glass like stuck into my forehead and rather my dad's like do not bring kyle the emergency.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna super glue it up myself. It's like I know I literally just have a scar in my like right eyebrow. Maybe if we use stitches and not just like super glue from walgreens no dad would just like super glue from Walgreens no dad would just like super glue everything.
Speaker 2:Remember when Kara like severely cut her hand on like a boat and then like dad was like she was like passing out and dad was just like gluing her hand like on the dog.
Speaker 2:And it's like, baby, like let's get like medical. But since my dad's like a foot doctor, he just thinks he like knows anything medically. And it's like, hey, like I actually don't want you like take a risk on me. The same trip of me having to get um a suppository put up my ass by my dad and then shitting my brains out with all the taco bell. I also was like I don't know what was wrong with me. I was like off by myself for some reason, while my family was waiting for a bus to take us home and I was just jumping up and like tapping my forehead on a stop sign, like the edge of a stop sign.
Speaker 3:It's because you're hopped up to the gills on high C. I know.
Speaker 2:I was literally like tweaking on high C soda and then I jump and hit, like myself too hard, and it's like completely sliced my forehead, and so every single picture we have from that trip. Yeah, I look like fucking Harry Potter with like a slice.
Speaker 3:It's like if Harry Potter instead of a lighting bolt.
Speaker 2:it was just a straight line and it's because I was jumping up tapping the edge of a stop sign with my head while like I was like that fucking bored and that fucked up from high C. I'm also in like an Oshkosh Begosh matching set, Like kind of low-key dripped out. I know there's a picture of us with that fuck-ass bear from the jungle book actually, no, it was made into a puzzle. It was a picture that was made into a puzzle of all of us with my scar and the bear from the jungle book.
Speaker 3:That is now a puzzle I'm trying to think was that in the era, did you, did you pack your spongebob?
Speaker 2:white beater for that trip oh yeah, I had my fucking uniform, which was my like Spongebob white beater. That's like oops, I ripped my pants and it's like him with ripped pants. And then my Teletubby like boxer shorts, like that was fucking like I was fitted and it would be like negative 15 degrees outside, but like that was just like that was like I was fitted and it would be like negative 15 degrees outside, but like that was just like that was my fit. I was how old do you think I was? Maybe like four to six yeah, you might.
Speaker 3:You probably been like seven when you went to disney, so it's fun you might have.
Speaker 2:Just that was like yeah that was when I was moving into the uh matching oshkosh bg gosh sets. I was telling them about me pouting on um darwin's roof. We also. This guy's name is eric owens and he was like our best neighbor friend growing up you're just going full.
Speaker 2:First name, last name yeah, I mean like he's not watching. I also referred to as our other next door neighbors, as homeschooled, but I don't think any of those kids are going to be listening to the podcast. And which I also said kids they are my age, um, but we randomly just called him darwin eric. We called him darwin.
Speaker 3:There was no, no reasoning behind it I'm trying to get the nickname for yourself going, because we get people like the names that rhyme with their name, like grace the ace, uh crystal, the pistol and brett tried to get himself the nickname brett the jet and uh, we, we just like to to troll on what I was calling brett the net instead no, it's not well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, grace, the ace crystal, the pistol. What was kara's k6k like? Doesn't like kyle the pile? What was yours?
Speaker 3:yes, when you give me the nickname kyle the pile.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm giving you the nickname. Breath of jet. We need to talk about pt. Pt fucking killed me. Pt ruined me. My brother would call me pooping toad because one time a toad pooped in my hand and it's like that shit like was so serious. And every single time he would see a pt cruiser he would be like hey brett, look, it's your favorite car. That would fucking piss me off. I would like scream my mom would like get him in trouble because I would have such an insane reaction to that, and then he would just call me my mom, kyle all right, kyle, give me your phone for a week.
Speaker 2:You said PT, you're like what? And I'm like, yeah, it's that also Ski Dad. I don't know what this was, but bowser in mario kart, when he passes you go, he goes ski dad, ski dad. And so my brother would say ski dad, and that was in the same category as pt, where I would just like fucking wail, scream, howl if he said that and he wasn't allowed to say ski dad in vain without again getting like kind of a serious punishment. Um, I also was talking about this story about, well, when you threw up on me when we were, we were sharing a room. How long did we share a room and why was it? Like most of our childhood things, I was.
Speaker 3:I was talking about this the other day. It was either eighth or ninth grade, which was crazy because we had you know the guest room. No, we had just like guest room where my grandparents would sleep in two times a year. That's what.
Speaker 2:I literally said it's I'm like why? Leave empty all the time for no reason it also sucked for you because it's like, yeah, I don't want to share a room either, but I'm like 11. Like you, being 15 is fucking insane.
Speaker 3:I know, and it's like we claimed the bunk beds when I don't know, we were probably like, I was probably like I don't know, eight years old, year four, so I'm like, of course I'm taking top bunk.
Speaker 2:yeah, so to me as like a 15 year old, you know like pretty big and tall, like and then it's like the bottom bunk mattress was bigger and also more conveniently located, like you crawling up as a 15 year old to get into like a twin xl, while I'm like on the bottom with my queen yeah, and there was two like um, I remember we had to take out there's like a fan in the room and like the ceilings weren't that high, so at the top of the bunk bed we had to take out the fan or else it would like decapitate and then I had like a floor fan blowing directly on me that wouldn't reach you.
Speaker 2:Oh. And then my brother finally, after 14 years, was able to move into the guest room. And then my dad it had a lot of windows and it would get really hot in there. And my dad, he duct taped all of our air vents so we couldn't have air conditioning. And then didn't he like, turn off the heat in your room too, because then it would get really cold in the winters, yeah, and then he just gave us like heated air conditioning was too luxurious and expensive for our house.
Speaker 2:He turned off our central heat and so he just got heat dishes which are just like they look like floor fans, but just like instead they just like radiate heat. And so we had, like truly, seven of those running at our, in our house at the like entire time. Like this can't be, like this isn't. It doesn't seem like a financially smarter decision. Also, like now, I'm just cold as fuck unless I'm standing directly in front of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I also remember part of the deal of me moving into that bedroom is like it still had to be the guest bedroom if anyone would like come to stay. So I like wasn't allowed to significantly change the decor of the bedroom.
Speaker 2:So I was like 15 years old and like a beige room with like one piece of art. That's like old and like sterile.
Speaker 3:Yeah, meanwhile, our dad literally had like an eight foot by six foot bears poster.
Speaker 2:It took up an entire wall with like genitalia, yeah, and it was like. It was like it's like randomly crude and he would like cut out pictures of his friend's heads and put it over.
Speaker 3:Some of the players and like some of his friends are like mooning the camera and he like cut out those pictures. It was insane.
Speaker 2:I mean, dad is like a very bizarre person, but um well, thank you so much for coming on. This was so great and I'm glad we got to um, share lore with our, our followers. Uh, our followers, we're family.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when one of us eats, we all eat I feel like I listened to the clips uh, when mom was on the episode and she was pretty funny, so I felt I felt some pressure to to deliver and I hope that I did all right.
Speaker 2:Well, I love you. I'll call you soon to catch up all right love, you take it okay, bye, he's a good guy.
Speaker 2:He's a really fucking good guy. You guys, you know it. Yep, love it. The funniest thing about this is like, obviously I said you know what you love it. Like that started because, like no one had ever addressed the am I in the wrong ever, but still to this day no one has ever like made one comment about am I in the wrong. So it's like, oh, it's funny because it's like an inside joke, it's not. I just say it every single episode. But still no one has commented Like do y'all fuck with this shit? Like dead ass. Like just be straight up with me for like two seconds. Okay, I'll like sound off in the comments. Just everything should be about the. Am I in the Wrong? Even if you don't like like it this week or if you don't even like the segment in general, I just like I need you guys to sound off about the am I in the wrong? Because I'm feeling crazy. You guys are gaslighting me because I say you know what, you love it. I don't know if you know it or love it. I genuinely don't even know if you know it. Let me pull it up, okay, me 29 f, husband, 29 m and I, I'm fucking obsessed with the m's and f's. Okay, I went to and I went to the lake for labor day.
Speaker 2:We haven't been able to make it most of the summer, so we're excited to do some of our local favorite things, such as get a bite of some low quality mexican food from a local joint. I had a family member coming into town who would likely be calling in an order to said mexican food joint on his way into town and my dad called to see if he would mind picking up some additional food for us. When asked, he was super reluctant, saying he was driving, didn't have any way to write down orders, sounds fake and overall seemed a bit skeptical of adding anything extra to his order. Typically we have the favorite entrees we get, but to make it easier we said it would just be three bean and cheese burritos. In the meantime my mom 61f a, walked into the house. We told her about the interesting interaction, that hopefully he would pick up the burrito. She laughed with us and that was the end of our interaction.
Speaker 2:An hour later, the family member arrives with the burritos. Another hour later, my mom walks in the house and starts yelling at us about how selfish we are that she thought that she was included in the mexican food order and asking why we didn't get her anything. We told her again about the atypical ordering situation and also noted that she always gets the same specialty item that we were not really in the position to ask for. We said we'd be more than happy to go again during the weekend with her if she would like. She continues to bring the situation up at social gatherings to get opinions on burrito gate.
Speaker 2:Am I in the wrong? She's so me bringing up like it's like no, yeah, this is actually what happened. Yeah, no, they didn't get me a burrito. You guys, this is my mom and my sister. This is some family shit. This is some family matters, and my mom actually called me and told me about this before and then my sister wrote it in for.
Speaker 2:Am I in the wrong? Um, but you know what I? I'm gonna take an. No, I'm gonna take a bias. I'm actually gonna take a biased approach. My sister's in the wrong. She's fully in the wrong.
Speaker 2:My uncle, he's not going to listen to this, so we're fine to talk about him Like the whole. Like sorry, I'm driving, wait, okay, you said you wanted three bean and cheese burrito Like, acting as if he doesn't know how to order anything Like. What do you mean? My mom also my sister's line, my mom doesn't have like a specialty item. Also, some background information that the writer didn't include is that they just asked for like three bean and cheese burritos instead of four, and the fourth would have been a burrito for my mom Also. Another thing that they didn't know is my brother ate two bean and cheese burritos and my mom got zero of them. Ryan, yeah, I know about the two burritos Interesting.
Speaker 2:So my uncle, who's catching strays, is the one that was driving to the Mexican food joint and was like I'm driving I don't have any way to write this down Four bean and cheese burritos. You can't remember that. If you can't remember that you shouldn't be operating a vehicle, like, and also he definitely like, does remember that it gives like the only child, which he has four siblings. So I'm confused by like the only child syndrome, but like where it's just like. Oh, I don't know, can you do it? You're so much better when you do it. How would I? How would I order four bean and cheese burritos out of Mexico? But also? So my uncle on the chopping block, my sister on the chopping block just just say okay, so you know how. He said four bean and cheese. Let's just bump it to five.
Speaker 2:Or, ryan, hi, ryan, you ought to have both bean and cheese burritos, leaving my 61F mother starving. Insane kidding, you're fine. Whatever, I won't start beef with you. We're in-laws. But if we're gonna be in-laws for the rest of our lives, then like, did you really need the two bean and cheese burritos? Ryan? I love you, ryan, I hope you know that anyways.
Speaker 2:Um, so my sister's in the wrong and if I were my mom, my mom's? Hey, I'm randomly pretty similar to my mom. Yeah, I'm gonna be that petty bitch bringing up the. Yeah, I guess what they did the other day. Yeah, have you guys ever been starving before? Because I have. Last night, when my daughter didn't give me a fucking bean and cheese burrito. Yeah, my sister's in the wrong and ryan too, I'll do a group facetime with them. Oh, okay, so, anyways, I'm. We actually have someone we can live, call in to tell them that they're in the wrong. So I kind of gave her like a forewarning that she might receive a call. I said we got your. Am I in the wrong? Either you or mom will receive a call tomorrow with the news she's toast. Sweetest girl I know will not think of you when it comes to a food ordering situation hello hi, sweetheart, are you sitting down for this?
Speaker 2:yeah, I am. I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this you're in the wrong. You are in the wrong, but I will let you know that you aren't the only person in the wrong. Um ryan didn't need to have both bean and cheese burritos. Also our uncle. I spoke briefly about um also in the wrong, because what do you mean?
Speaker 2:you can't uh well, I'm sorry I'm driving. I can't remember four bean and cheese burritos and I said, if you can't remember that you shouldn't be driving anyways. But you were in the wrong and I'm so sorry to tell you that. But uh, mom does so much for us and you should have thought of her in this situation. I also love the atypical interaction. It was crazy, but we have some atypical aunts and uncles and I get that. But also, you should have really nailed it in his head that we did need five bean and cheese burritos at that moment.
Speaker 4:But yeah, you're in the wrong with your husband and uncle too, so it's like you're in good company. So, oh man, and not nothing for mom she's fine, she's more safe oh my gosh should we try to add her in?
Speaker 2:yeah I was also gonna add in ryan.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna add in ryan, really fast is she in the wrong for bringing this story up at every social gathering? No, that's normal.
Speaker 2:No, you're allowed to do that. Wait, would Ryan answer if I call him right now?
Speaker 1:It depends if he has a patient or not.
Speaker 2:I need him to be patient with me. It's my brother-in-law, hi, fatty Kidding. He's in really good shape. That's why I can say that, but that's why I can say that. But damn too, brett Chris Reed is hey Big Mac Probably eaten. He's like an athlete. So again, this is not Hi, this is Ryan Eason.
Speaker 3:I can't come to the phone right now. I'm going to leave your voice in the and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you, bye.
Speaker 2:Hey Ryan, it's Brett. I'm sure you have your mouth full chewing right now. I'm probably eating multiple burritos. Just wanted to call you really quickly and just say you're in the wrong. You are in the wrong alongside your beautiful wife and also your I was going to say atypical uncle, our uncle with lots of quirks. You should have rode for my mom. You shouldn't have eaten both burritos, and I know you know that, and I know you've since apologized, which I I respect you. You know you're owning up to your mistakes, which is cool, um, but you ultimately are in the wrong and I have your wife on the other, and so I'm actually just gonna switch back over. But I love you, big guy, stop eating the both burritos. Love you. Okay.
Speaker 2:He didn't answer. Let's try mom, family affairs. I'm sure mom will answer immediately if she knows we're talking about this. My queen, that's sure tt. Um, give me one second here, alright, I hate when you girls fight. You guys are on Dialing in with Brett the. Am I in the wrong segment? I just told your daughter she is in the wrong.
Speaker 1:Let's bring it back up. Okay, just for that celebration. Mom can penalize you a little bit.
Speaker 2:I kind of forgot what it was about. Now let's bring it back up. I want to talk about it as much as we can and I want it to be in every conversation. Kara did say that you have been doing a pretty good job finding very inorganic ways to bring it up in conversations. She also almost scared Ryan out of the family when he confronted him.
Speaker 3:I mean valid. I really, I I kind of, I well, ryan was there, but I it really wasn't ryan's fault, I I pretty much think that it was yours and dad's.
Speaker 2:Oh uh, I'll call dad too. He's always on the wrong. It's fine, get him on the phone, all right? Well, I'm. You guys need to work it out, because we can't keep fighting like this. It's tearing our family apart. And, cara, you need to tell your husband to have some self-restraint when it comes to bean and cheese burritos, because your mother is starving anyways. All right, well, you girls, I'm gonna leave you guys talk it out. All right, love you guys. Bye, fuck, dude, dude.
Speaker 2:Family shit's so hard. No dead house like like. Family shit like sucks. Am I in the wrong? Wow, thank you guys so much for tuning in for another episode with dialing with rat. This is episode 12, holy shit. And we have the Facebook page up and we have it up and running and we're going to post it on the Instagram and you guys are going to join and I'm going to be super active and we're going to chit, chat and just get to know each other and just have a laugh and we can also share funny things in there and shit like that this is going to be the YouTube video that has the most comments out of any of the YouTube videos and also the most likes and the most views.
Speaker 2:Also, y'all writing for this podcast? Okay, then send it to everyone in your contact list. Oh, I love it so much. Okay, then repost it to your story. Kidding, we will get a template going, a text template going that is very encouraging, yet firm, to get people to start listening to this fuck-ass podcast. Um, until then, join the facebook group. Submit your shit man, blow my shit up. Watch jimmy kimball live on television.
Speaker 3:Um that's all the yeah, so just uh.
Speaker 2:And then the jimmy kimball. Yeah, the wasps weren't an issue at all this week, which is a blessing. Um, yeah, but blow my shit up, because I really want to be color daddy this week. Okay, love y'all.