Dialing In with Brett

19. why are kids so obsessed with dinosaurs?? ft. a child

• Brett Hamilton Productions • Season 1 • Episode 19

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This week on Dialing In with Brett, Brett faints at the walk-in clinic, complains about strava stats, and dials in a kid.


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SPEAKER_03:

Hi, this is Brad. I was dialing you in because I had a question. I There's no way. Hello. What a dick. Um, hey guys. As you can see, this is not gonna be a normal episode. I'm not in a tie. I just get to a point where I can't do it anymore. Kidding. Hey y'all, welcome back to a quiet and cozy episode of Dialing In with Brett. You're probably wondering why I'm just in a sweatshirt and not my normal getup, and it's because I had a medical emergency yesterday. I had a scare. I had a health scare yesterday. Um I usually don't like to talk about shit like this. Um, I passed out. It actually like wasn't that scary at all in the grand scheme of things, and like people faint all the time when they get uh blood drawn. My first time. Wow. I feel horrible. I feel horrible for everyone who's fainted, and I have made you feel embarrassed. I have made you feel invalidated. My sister one time fainted in church, and I like genuinely got pissed at her because I'm like, you are so attention seeking, it's not funny at all. Cut to me sobbing. Let's take you back to the beginning. I yesterday went to the walk-in clinic to get tested. Tested for what, Brett? Well, kidding. Sue me, I want to be I had casual sex one time and I got scared and I wanted to get tested. I've never gotten tested for an S C D because I'm usually safe. And I I don't have an SCD. I know I don't have an SCD. I just had to get tested, whatever, etc. Because I was like kind of panicking for no reason. So I go in and like also the lady when I was getting SCD tests, like I had no idea like what to say or do. Just do the just for here for the SCD test. She's like, like what which tests? Like for gonorrhea, for chlamydia, for S That's a good point. Great question. Um so this entire time I'm like, I actually I don't, I don't like what do you usually do? I guess let's just like do the she listed off like seven tests that I was like, okay, I don't think it needed me to do like all of that. Like I and I kept being like, I really don't even think I like have an STD. I just like kind of want to get like very short answers, short like no, um, and then I can move on. So we had to do like multiple tests, and one of them was taking blood, which I like I never was afraid of needles as a kid, and I kind of developed that fear later on in life. And one time I was uh donating blood in college and they had to go into multiple of my veins and they couldn't get it, and kind of moving it around in there, and I was like, I can never I can never get blood drawn ever again. That was a horrible experience, anyways. Cut two yesterday, she tried two different veins in my left arm. No blood coming out, yay, yay, and like while she was she was in there having to kind of rearrange my arm, the needle, etc. Horrible, fucking horrible. Okay, let's switch to the other arm. Yay, I love that. We've already gone in twice. I already like want to die. That's in for the third time. She's like, Yay, it's working. Oh, no, it's not. Keeps moving around my arm, and I was like, Okay, I do feel like I'm getting a pretty bit, like, pretty good, uh lightheaded a little bit. Um, just kind of flagging. Then I kind of woke up shaking, uncontrollably, sobbing. I like blacked out, woke up. There's five nurses in the room. Okay. Which again, like, I didn't know that that was like the fainting experience. I thought that that, like, maybe you just close your eyes for a second and wake up, and you're just like, ooh, feel almost well rested. So then I had to call Holly and Bailey, and they had to pull up the car, and they like I had to call them. I was like, um, can you guys pull up the car and meet us out front? And then they like assumed I had just like the fucking clap.

SPEAKER_00:

Brett called and I go, Hey, he goes, Um, I'm fine. Uh, can you just meet me at the door? That's all he said. I'm like, meet you at the door. Yeah, meet me at meet me at the door.

SPEAKER_03:

I thought I had the big one. Yeah, so just fainted for one second.

SPEAKER_00:

And he's like interlocking arms with the nurse. There's tear stains all over his sweatshirt. He has a juice box in his apple juice. And he I thought that she was like coming up to tell us like some terrible news. And Brett just gets in the car. He goes, I can't even talk about it right now.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, and then yeah, yeah, after about like a minute, I was just like, Oh yeah, I just fainted. Like, I'm completely fine. But um, but yeah, it was horrible. Would not recommend it. I cannot ever have a needle in my arm ever again. Um I also had both of my arms like out like this with like multiple needles and needle marks in my thing, and then they laid me to my side, and the lady's like, ooh, you sweat a pretty good bit. Like, what? I'm yeah, obviously, I'm dripping and sweat. I'm just like shaking, and she's like, Ugh, yuck. You sweat all over the table. Okay, we're gonna have to clean that. Like, okay, I feel fucking horrible. That's the last time I anyway. The first thing I did say when I like regained consciousness was me when I literally don't even have an STD. Um, no one laughed. And then I came back.

SPEAKER_00:

Mind you, you checked yourself in there. You're like, you guys, stop. I literally don't have any. I know it's like, ow, ow, stop.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so all in all, never getting tested again. I'm just not gonna have sex again because I just don't want to have sex because I don't want to have to get tested. So I okay. So I'm celibate as of yesterday. Anyway, yeah, so that's why we're doing a casual episode. Because I just experienced something that people have experienced um all the time, but it was my first time experiencing it. It's my first time living to, it's my first time fainting on the table with four nurses in the room. So that's why I'm wearing my sweatshirt today.

SPEAKER_00:

You also had a big weekend in Vegas that you're recovering from.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, which that's also like genuinely probably why I fainted. Like just lack of resources and malnourishment and shit like that. Um, Vegas was great, but also horrible. It's also so confusing because I'm like, Vegas is so fucking weird, but somehow my friends, we still like stuck stuck out in a very bizarre way, which is like, wait, people in Vegas are like actually fucking insane. We also stayed at the Venetian, which obviously none of us could afford, but we like somehow got like a random partnership deal thing where we got these like gorgeous rooms for posting, which is insane, and I'm so fucking lucky for it. Um, but everyone else at the Venetian could afford it, so they were like doing kind of like 50-60 plus, and so we did just like stick out like a sore thumb, and I think everyone hated us. Tristan just wore like we went to like a nice brunch after Halloween, and Tristan wore just like a blonde wig and just like looked like a mess and was like vape being at the table. I'm like, yeah, I get why everyone here hates us. The thing about Vegas that sucks so much is like first of all, you don't go outside ever. Like, I didn't see the sun for six days. I was there for two. Um, but it's you're walking so much, but just like inside, and it's all like hotel lobbies. I genuinely walk two, 20,000 steps one day just through the hotel.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you like gambling?

SPEAKER_03:

Like other people's money, yeah. My debit card randomly doesn't let me take out money, so I just got like three$20 bills from people throughout the week that obviously just blew through them like immediately. It is kind of fun, but then it's like you do just like lose your money. Like it's just I don't like ever believe that anyone ever wins. You know, when you're playing the tables and it's like, okay, like maybe this woman is scamming me, but at least I can see the cards in front of me. When you're playing like on like the computers, I'm like, yeah, obviously you're gonna fucking win. Oh, you gotta you got 21 again. Yeah, I'm sure you did. You're I made it. Yeah, but then I don't want to have to interact with anyone.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And also their vibes are so weird, the like dealers, I guess. Cause it's like they seem like sort of like animatronic in a way where it's like they don't talk to you that much.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you just go up to a table and like other strangers can join you there?

SPEAKER_03:

You also can get massages at the table, which I think is so fucking weird, which Sody got a massage, and it's just like I didn't know that this was a thing, but then I just saw a random lady like underneath the man's shirt, like kind of just like rubbing him in a weird way, and I was like, You can ew. And then I saw her shirt said massage, but I'm still like, ew, that just feels like massaging like a 60-year-old man, like at like a slot machine as he blows his 401k while his family's at home.

SPEAKER_00:

Can you smoke in there?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, which that's also crazy. And also, this is the thing that's like confusing about Vegas. Like, you can smoke inside at the slot table, but then it's like no vaping by the pool. It's like, okay, I'm like really trying to follow, but it's like, how can I light up a cigarette, a cigar in this room right next to people, but like a bitch can't hit their vape outdoors at 2 a.m. Like, it's funny being in Vegas when your friends, like, oh my god, we're all crazy. And then, like, you see again, like, probably like an older woman or older man where it's like, oh, this isn't like fun, like, this is like the gambling at it. It's like, oh, like your grandkids aren't getting Christmas presents this year because you're at the slots right now. But it's so great.

SPEAKER_00:

And you got a massage.

SPEAKER_03:

I got a massage. Cheney and I got a couples massage for her birthday. What makes a couple's massage different from just like you're just in the same room as oh, you're just next to each other? Yeah, which it was it's just so funny. In a massage when, like, is this like feel okay? And you're like, yeah, it feels good. But like hearing like someone else in the room, you're like just getting zenned out, and then you hear, like, Jamie, is this pressure good enough for you? Uh yeah, it's perfect. Thank you so much. Is the do you like the temperature of the bed, or do you want me to turn off the heat? Oh, it's good, and then it's like, this is bizarre. You usually get like either naked or damn near naked for massages, but they told us that since it was a co-ed spa, they're like, make sure you like wear your trunks. And so I had my trunks on, but then Channy was completely naked. Um, and yeah, it was also we were like so fucking hungover. If you push on our stomach, something catastrophic.

SPEAKER_00:

Would you ever like look over and make eye contact with each other? No, like are your heads? I've never had a massage.

SPEAKER_03:

It they're kind of like down in like a tight little like hole like this. Oh. So you can't really tell what's going on.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Nice.

SPEAKER_03:

It's also like being a masseuse, I feel like is so weird. I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm just laying there, like let's get a masseuse on the podcast. Let's get a masseuse on the podcast, and they're gonna be massaging me on this table while I talk to them.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, you talk about how fifth graders always gave their teachers. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03:

Holly brings us up all the time, which honestly is like fair and valid, and I don't know why I just let it like slip through my subconscious and not address it. You know, there's like kids who would just massage their teachers, and like the teachers would just like allow them to, or even like play with their hair. I'm like, this is so fucking inappropriate. She'd be like giving a lecture and she'd be like, oh, Tommy Lower. Like, y'all get out your assignments. Ooh, fuck. Okay, God. Fuck, Lord have mercy. Okay, turned up age 26. The rest of us were like, okay, now we have our free reading books out. Like, what are we supposed to be doing?

SPEAKER_00:

My fifth grade class had like one culprit that always liked to give with teacher massages.

SPEAKER_03:

What do you mean you're like 11 and you're like wanting to massage our teacher? Like, what would do you benefit from this?

SPEAKER_00:

Because they're like a celebrity at that point. Even to get to help them pass out papers is like an honor.

SPEAKER_03:

Were you guys ever like that? Like, really, you were.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I liked to pass out papers and test when you could see everyone's grades. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

In our elementary, you could start band in fourth grade. So I never did band, and I was like one of the only kids in my class who didn't do band in fifth grade. And so during band, I just kind of had like what I can only explain his study hall. So I like typically read my book, or my teacher would hand me her BlackBerry and I would delete her emails. And I thought that was so cool. And she told my mom, she's like, I would not trust like any kids with my phone, but like Bailey is a good kid. And I like thought that was sick.

SPEAKER_03:

But like, even as a parent, I feel like I would be like, Why are you what?

SPEAKER_00:

But also as an adult, yeah, you get a lot of spam emails, but some of them are important.

SPEAKER_03:

No, it's like you as a fifth grade's like bleach.

SPEAKER_00:

Delete, like mortgages due, delete.

SPEAKER_03:

Water payment, delete, wedding invite, delete. Just slamming it. You know the like TikToks of the teachers like talking to their class. Stop doing that.

SPEAKER_01:

Surely can't be.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, I know they they're not filming the kids, but but like also kids aren't allowed to have their like phones in school, I feel like. And it's like, what do you mean my teachers making a fucking TikTok?

SPEAKER_01:

I like highly doubt that these days. I think kids are always on their phones and probably have AirPods in during class.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm sure they're so fucking disrespectful.

SPEAKER_01:

100%. I also I mean, AI like wasn't even a thing when we were in college, but I can't fathom as specifically like a high school teacher what kids are turning in. Because I'm sure it's like this is like I know you do not know the word vicariously, so why are you putting it in a paper?

SPEAKER_03:

No, it's crazy because like obviously I cheated like the entire way through high school, college, elementary school, even fuck it. Like I cheated, sure, but it's like I still had to like be smart with it. Like now y'all are just getting handed ways to cheat.

SPEAKER_00:

Did you like in elementary school doing times tables?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. That was like the one thing I was good at, and so then it's like done.

SPEAKER_00:

Flip it over, done.

SPEAKER_03:

What do we do when we're okay? Wait, should we just um if we're done, should we just read our do you want us to do a free reading, or what should we do if we're done with our test that okay, yeah, I'm done with all four pages, so oh wait, I'm just gonna read my book. Can I go to the bathroom because I'm done? Can I sharpen my pencil because I'm Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I hated being like like if I got done with my test early, because you know it was always like you would get up, go to the front, and hand it in, but I would never want to be the first one.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, like there were some kids where I'm like, you are first, but I know you're wrong. There were some kids who's like, oh fuck, like Brian's done, like fuck, he's so smart. But then it's like Jared handed in his test second. Like, are you like okay, you just filled shit out. Like, you just guessed. Idiot.

SPEAKER_01:

When I was home a couple years ago for Christmas, I was rifling through all of my like things downstairs, and I found a manila folder full of times tables.

SPEAKER_03:

Manila?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Like one of those light yellows. How do you not know a manila?

SPEAKER_03:

Manila baby. Okay, manila for a girl is actually like really pretty. That is a cute name.

SPEAKER_01:

Anyway, I found one full of like times tables, so I took it with me, and we ended up going out one night, and I stuck a few in my purse, and we ended up like giving one to the bartender. It was like a dead night. And then he ended up hitting on our friend and like asking her. Um, I actually cut. I don't know where it's like.

SPEAKER_03:

I want to do a timetable test with y'all.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, we should go live on Instagram and do it.

SPEAKER_03:

Or we should do it on the podcast.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

I think I was a kid who like I wasn't a kid who was like really obsessed with like specific things. I fucking love Lincoln Logs. Like, I'm so sorry that that shit was like electric.

SPEAKER_01:

Um I've had an obsessive personality from a young age, so I like really got into things. Um, Juni B. Jones was a huge time for me. The bottom, dumbest bitch I know, but she wow, she cracked me. Oh, but she was so feisty. And when she got those glasses, like she meant business.

SPEAKER_03:

You should have been Juni B. Jones for she's a social worker. I want to know what she's doing now.

SPEAKER_01:

Who was your guys' like first crush as a kid?

SPEAKER_03:

The girl who I was like obsessed with in fourth grade ended up being the girl who gave me my first edible in college or in high school, and she gave it to me in school, and I didn't realize it because she said it was a brownie, and so I ate the brownie, and it was actually a weed brownie that I took in like third period Spanish, and then I had to proceed to get the rest of the day stoned out of my fucking mind. I was like, I thought I was like flying through the halls.

SPEAKER_01:

That's nuts. She didn't disclose to you that it was an edible.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, after she I ate it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, after it was down your life.

SPEAKER_03:

Which I like had never like even touched weed before, and so I'm like, what do you mean? And so then the rest of the day I was just like freaking the fuck out. I went to the bathroom like 4,000 times. And then it just eventually was horrible. And then she was like laughing. I was like, You ruined my day.

SPEAKER_01:

You ruined my life.

SPEAKER_03:

I thought I was gonna get caught.

SPEAKER_00:

What if I get drug tested?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So did you play any sports when you were a kid? You played basketball, we know.

SPEAKER_03:

So I played soccer, basketball. Is that it? Jesus. Fatty, get out and play. I also did like track randomly intermittently, but that was horrible. And I would never go to any of the meets because I didn't want to. Like, I come from a family of runners. Like, my parents did like triathons and marathons, which is just like annoying. And my sister ran in college. But like, why was I doing 5Ks at like age eight? Like, that's like fucked up.

SPEAKER_00:

Are you a turkey trot family?

SPEAKER_03:

Fuck no.

unknown:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

I kind of like I actually do think I would be happy marrying into a turkey trot family. Like, at least they have passion and goals and happiness in general.

SPEAKER_03:

But then it's just like I just can't like the families that do that, I just like I don't align with at all. If that's something that feels weirdly Republican that's not.

SPEAKER_01:

You know a run I can't get behind.

SPEAKER_03:

Call a run.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I might with that. The mud run. I was literally gonna say Well, I always wanted to do that.

SPEAKER_03:

Why are you See here's the thing is I I support the mud run more than like some other of these, like I just can't stand like middle-aged men like just randomly training for things. When like middle-aged men have families and then they're like, I'm gonna start training for like almost like an American ninja warrior style thing. Baby, like you have two kids, you don't need to be jumping from platform to platform, you don't need to scale a wall, you need to raise your sons, even just with marathons, too, where it's like if you're in your 20s, 30s, single, fuck it, run a marathon, be very quiet about it. Don't tell anyone you can post day of, oh, I ran a marathon, great, proud of you.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know why you're so weird about runners.

SPEAKER_03:

I just think it's just it's so uninteresting to me. It is impressive. You ran 26 miles. I my fat ass couldn't do that. Cheers, hats the fuck off to you. I just think it's such like I oh, I I'm a runner, cool. I have no follow-up questions.

SPEAKER_00:

What do you think of posting Strava stats on social media?

SPEAKER_03:

Like, I honestly like uh love to bitch and moan like more than anyone else. It really doesn't actually physically bother me, but I'm also like I work out almost every day, believe it or fucking not, and I'm quiet about it. Like, I don't need you to You're too quiet. Thank you. I would rather be checking.

SPEAKER_01:

But then you'll randomly post like the most insane thirst trap, and you're like, hey everyone, head to Barry's for a discount the next two weeks.

SPEAKER_03:

Speaking of berries, the girls did their first berry's class while I was out of town.

SPEAKER_01:

I went to Barry's boot camp and all I got was body dysmorphia.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It was crazy because for context, Barry's Brett has been to over 600 times. The whole time I was like, the fact that Brett has done this 600 times, like you should not be quiet about that. That's like nuts.

SPEAKER_03:

But that's the thing. I'm like, I don't need like what like y'all, guess who guess who worked out today? Guess who ran shut up.

SPEAKER_01:

You get to do that.

SPEAKER_03:

I know, but I also think like there's so many traits that like I inherently have that are pick me. I've actually been wanting to talk about this for a long time, but I realize they're fucking pick me, and so I'm not gonna be like, oh, just finit completed a barrage class. Oh, just oh, ran three miles in ten minutes. I'm almond mom coated. Yeah, sometimes I go to the gas station. My gas station snack, it's a fucking protein bar. That's horrible. I hate that. But I'm not gonna be, oh my god, wait, I just think I don't think don't have a sweet. I'm just not really much of a sweet tooth. Shut up. There's so many traits that you can have that are pick me, but that you just have to be kind of quiet about because they're pick me. I think running is pick me as fuck. You can run, I don't need to hear about it, I don't need to see about it. Why are you making like I don't know?

SPEAKER_01:

I'm unfortunately so nosy where I'm like, I want to know. I'm like, I want to follow you. I want to see your fucking pace. Except I do think we have too many apps. Like, why do we have an app to clock what movies we watch, what books we read, what how much we ran, what we're thinking every moment. Like, I think that we've become way too expansive with all of our like hobbies and thoughts, and it's like it's very overwhelming.

SPEAKER_03:

Who the fuck do you think you are where it's like, oh, all of my followers give a shit about the fact I ran four miles in 32 minutes. I think I would rather have you post a naked picture of yourself and I than posting your Strava thing. Posting your Strava results on your story is like the thirstiest shit you can do. I would rather see your full I do think if you run a marathon, you can post about it. Like 150 fucking percent. You did 26 miles. But I do think so many people are making running their entire personality. I just don't like when people make one thing so much of their personality. I don't need to see how fast you ran every single time. Like I don't, I don't I really don't care at all. It actually doesn't bother me that much. Believe it or fucking not, I don't know. Ranted about it for about 25 minutes now. But I do think posting your Strava, posting your Strava results on your story is horny as fuck. Unless you're running like insane fucking splits, then like yeah, I actually would prefer to see that because that's insane. I'm really fucking proud of you. I don't need to see you trot three miles.

SPEAKER_00:

What was your mile time in elementary school or slash high school?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, obviously I trained for the mile when I was a kid, and yeah, it was what usually went in elementary school. Who cares? Really? Yeah. I was doing five K's for not pleasure. I don't think ours was like even technically a mile because like I also was getting like six minute miles as like a third grader. I really want to believe that's true, because that's fucking crazy if true. Would have posted that shit on my story. Fuck. Um, but I'd it was just like run down and then back and then down again. And it would be so funny because like some of the kids who, you know, weren't as weren't training randomly for the mile, like my parents made me do. Um, my parents would make me do, I think I told you, like agility ladders.

unknown:

What?

SPEAKER_03:

And it's like what for me to like play rec soccer and like run the mile. Um, but there would be some kids who just would like pretend like they already went back and so they were like on their like second lap. You with love didn't get a 530 mile.

SPEAKER_00:

And then would you hit the end and your gym teacher would be like, look at the stopwatch, 632? Yeah. And then you have to remember that and go back into it.

SPEAKER_03:

Well then you would put a little a sticker on it with 632 on it.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh nice. Wait, you he put a sticker on you with your time?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And you just walked around like with your mile time on your person.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and obviously like kept that on the entire fucking school day. He also called me rat tail, and so it'd say like 6 30 rat tail. Because I had a rat tail.

SPEAKER_00:

And when you were a kid, what was your dream job? Like, did you think that you would have a podcast one day?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I wanted to start my own podcast in my garage. Always been kind of my dream. No, I always did want to be an actor though, which uh still do. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So, like, in like third grade, if your teacher asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, you would say actor. Oh, nice. I also was like, like, this is a good one.

SPEAKER_03:

No. I'm like, why would I want to do that? Like all the other, like train conductor, why would I want to do that shit? That sounds horrible. I did like, I feel like marine biology. It was like, yeah, that would be nice.

SPEAKER_00:

Did you have a dream job though for like when you were a teenager? Like, oh, I want to work at family video, etc. For me, I wanted to work at Subway.

SPEAKER_03:

You wanted to work at Subway? Yeah. Well, when I became a tween, then I wanted to be on SNL, recognizing the fuck out of my privilege, by the way. When I say this, I sometimes like romanticize, like, I walked past a furniture store the other day, and I'm like, honestly, like working at a furniture store could be like so fun, or just like having a job where like you're on like a sales floor, but like not in like a very like retail-y way. Like, I romanticize that sometimes where I'm like, yeah, I could sell someone like a sixteen thousand dollar couch.

SPEAKER_01:

Our old coworker used to work at a furniture store, they had cameras in there, and when she was like working the store by herself, she'd like put her hood up and sit and like pretend to be on her phone, but she would actually sleep until the bell rang and like a customer walked in. Yeah, she was one of those um co-workers who just had like would always drop the most random lore, and you're like, Wait, how did I not know about this? And I've known you for two and a half years.

SPEAKER_03:

I do love people like that where it's like, I how has this not come up? But I honestly like respect you that you haven't inorganically brought up this insane fucking lore, and now I'm obsessed with you.

SPEAKER_01:

That's how I feel whenever I talk to like a 31 or 32 year old, and then they're randomly like, Well, that was that happened when I lived in Ohio for two years, and then you know I moved to San Antonio, and you're like, wait, what? No, I had no idea.

SPEAKER_03:

And then it's like I worked like abroad as like a medic for And they're like, Well, you do know I majored in like engineering. No, I'm not working for the UN in Turkey. Um, and you're like, wait, sorry, what? Well, that was when I was married. Um, wait, sorry. Are you in 24? Yeah, I've got married when I'm 19.

SPEAKER_00:

And they somehow did everything for like four years. And it's like, how?

SPEAKER_03:

That's how I like when people, even just like people are like, oh yeah, like my ex of like six years.

SPEAKER_00:

When did you have time for that? Right.

SPEAKER_03:

It's like, wait, sorry, I didn't know we all do in long-term relationships. It's like, oh shit, like while you were doing that, I just like had my thumb up my ass for six years.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, what do you you missed your call with your psychiatrist?

SPEAKER_03:

Let me get on right now. I'm not kidding, this will just take a second.

SPEAKER_00:

Dialing in Brett Psychiatrist.

SPEAKER_03:

Hi, how are you? Sorry about that delay. How are you? I've been good. Yeah, I've been taking in the Adderall more uh regularly, and I feel like that has kind of helped me. Just like with general motivation. Um so yeah, I feel good about that. So he's a talker. So anyway, got my shit. Yay! Y'all! Next, we are dialing in a kid, a little kiddo. Um, I feel like I'm at an age where I'm just I'm thinking about everything. I'm thinking about everything, life. What's life soon? The pursuit of happiness, what's the middle one? I'm on the pursuit in the an unknown. Anyways, I've been like thinking about a lot of things. I also am like, so this entire time until like the age I'm at now, like, what do you mean I just didn't know these things? So I want to ask a kid about the things that maybe I still don't know about, things that I learned about recently that I'm like, what was I thinking about as a kid? Do kids like realize that other people are being mean to them or to other people? Are kids insecure? What do kids think are cool these days? I like haven't seen or talked to a kid in 14 years. I don't even know if they're still, you know, around. Um, we actually found a kid, and it's my friend Matt is kid. This kid is perfect. He is perfect. I've never met him in person, I've seen him online. Wow, an angel. Um, so we're dialing in Rez the kid. The kid Rez. And he's really excited, and he keeps calling this a work call, and he keeps saying, like, I want to talk to mommy's friend on the work call. First of all, it's Brad. Always been Brad. I don't know what you're confused about. Obviously, he hasn't seen my videos. Okay. So have a lot of people. Like, you're not You're in good company. So dialing in someone who doesn't listen to the podcast. Could be anyone. Um, okay, no, I'm actually dialing in again.

unknown:

Hello.

SPEAKER_03:

Hi, is this Rez? Um, are you ready for a really exciting, very, very, very, very, very important phone call for work purposes only? Yeah. Do you have a job? Do you work right now?

unknown:

Yep.

SPEAKER_03:

What do you do for work?

SPEAKER_04:

I just work.

SPEAKER_03:

Hey, same here, man. Um, Rez, how are you? I'm so excited to be talking to you.

unknown:

Good.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. How old are you, Rez, if you don't mind me asking?

unknown:

Uh, five.

SPEAKER_03:

Five. Rez, what do you think is like the coolest thing right now? Like, what is your favorite thing?

SPEAKER_02:

My favorite thing to do is play Pokemon Minecraft.

SPEAKER_03:

If you had to choose a favorite, like you could only play Pokemon for the rest of your life, or you could only play Minecraft for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?

unknown:

Pokemon!

SPEAKER_03:

Pokemon! That's a great choice. Wait, Rez, who is the coolest person you know? Like, if you had to choose one person that you know, who do the do you think is the coolest person, who would it be?

unknown:

You.

SPEAKER_03:

Rez, you're just saying that. You don't mean you don't even know me. Rez, how old do you think I am? My mom showed me pictures of you. What'd you think? You think I'm cool?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

What do you think the coolest thing about me is? This is supposed to be about someone else, but since you chose you.

unknown:

Your hair.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow. That that means like I really needed to hear that because I'm like afraid I'm losing it. So, like, thanks for saying that. Like that. I'm like in between hairstyles. So Rez, do you know what it means to retire?

unknown:

What?

SPEAKER_03:

Do you know what it means to retire? Like when someone gets old and they retire. Do you know what that means?

unknown:

Why?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh no, I was asking you, do you know? I really don't know either, so I was just curious.

unknown:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

You don't know, that's totally fine. Um, do you like being a kid, Rez, or do you wish you were a grown-up right now?

SPEAKER_02:

I like I I like that I'm a kid because I can crawl in just the most tight spaces.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and guess who can't? Me, because I'm a grown-up and I'm big, but I have great hair. Is that the best thing about being a kid, do you think, is being able to crawl in tight spaces?

unknown:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03:

Where what's the best hiding spot in your new house?

SPEAKER_02:

Uh under the blanket.

SPEAKER_03:

Under the what? The blanky?

SPEAKER_02:

I can't hear you under there.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, you're under the blanket right now. Yeah, I can't find you. You're in the best spot in the house. Yeah, if it's a flat blankie, no one's gonna look at it. That's really good.

SPEAKER_02:

And I always be flat so I don't get caught.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Does it work? Nice. Do you have a favorite food that you could eat? Uh a lot.

unknown:

Sushi.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow. That took me like 43 years to like sushi, so that's really cool. What's your favorite type of sushi?

SPEAKER_02:

Uh salmon.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you're like already cooler than I am. You like salmon at age five?

SPEAKER_02:

Guess what I got from the grocery store?

SPEAKER_03:

Salmon sushi.

SPEAKER_02:

Now I got oh my god. Now you can drink out of that.

SPEAKER_03:

What? You can drink out of it? Do you put your straw in it?

unknown:

Oh big oyster.

SPEAKER_03:

Did you eat the big oyster or no?

SPEAKER_02:

Not yet.

SPEAKER_03:

Are you going to? It's that big?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Are you gonna eat the oyster, Rez, or no? Have you eaten an oyster before?

SPEAKER_02:

Uh no.

SPEAKER_03:

You're gonna try an oyster for the Wow, good luck, man. I'm sure you'll like it. What is your favorite thing that makes you the happiest? And it can't be Pokemon or Minecraft. Candy? What kind of candy?

SPEAKER_02:

Lollipops.

SPEAKER_03:

Lollipop.

SPEAKER_02:

Lollipops. Yeah. Um yes I do that school.

SPEAKER_03:

Where? What?

SPEAKER_02:

I I guess I do some school stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Who is your favorite person at school?

SPEAKER_02:

Tyson.

SPEAKER_03:

What's your favorite thing about Tyson?

SPEAKER_02:

Well my friend's cool kids spin on your head.

SPEAKER_03:

What? He can spin on his is it Tyson?

SPEAKER_02:

I know he doesn't.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, yeah, it's Tyson. You know what it is, Tyson? I can't believe Tyson can spin on his head at age five. You're eating salmon sushi like at age like wow.

SPEAKER_02:

Guess what?

SPEAKER_03:

What?

SPEAKER_02:

I can climb.

SPEAKER_03:

What? What can you climb, Rez?

SPEAKER_02:

What did you do for work?

SPEAKER_03:

Pokemon, climbing, spinning on my head.

SPEAKER_02:

Pokemon!

SPEAKER_03:

Pokemon, yeah. Also, I take like very, very, very important business calls with people like you. Rez, what's your favorite thing in your bedroom?

SPEAKER_02:

It's my T Rex toy.

SPEAKER_03:

You a T Rex toy? Um, you can't. I won't be able to see it right now, but yeah, if you want to get it just for the you can definitely do that.

SPEAKER_02:

I got my T-Rex.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_02:

My Russraptor. My dinosaurs?

SPEAKER_03:

I got all of them, huh? If your name wasn't Rez and you could pick any other name for your name to be, what name would you want?

SPEAKER_02:

I want my name. Uh well, when I give my baby, I'll name it Rez.

SPEAKER_03:

You're gonna name your baby Rez.

SPEAKER_02:

I like that girl.

SPEAKER_03:

What if it's a girl? Will you still name it Rez?

SPEAKER_02:

No, I would name it. Uh uh Tyson.

SPEAKER_03:

That's gorgeous for a little girl. Wait, Rez, do you like the other kids at school besides Tyson?

unknown:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Are there any kids at school that are may might be a little bit meaner, or is everyone nice?

SPEAKER_02:

Everyone's nicer.

SPEAKER_03:

That's great. Rez, if you could paint your room any color, what color would you paint your room?

unknown:

Uh yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. 150% yes. What color is your room right now, Rez?

SPEAKER_02:

Blue.

SPEAKER_03:

Blue. Would you keep it blue or would you change it to something else?

SPEAKER_02:

I want to change it to rainbow.

SPEAKER_03:

Whoa, that would be so cool. Hey! Raise them young. Come on. Is there anything that you're scared of, Rez?

SPEAKER_02:

I'm only scared of uh monsters and spiders and blood monsters have knives.

SPEAKER_03:

Blood monsters was the last one, sorry.

SPEAKER_02:

Blood monsters with knives.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, yeah, I don't like those either. I prefer not to be around those as well. I get it. What did you dress up for Halloween this year as?

SPEAKER_02:

As Mikey.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, nice. Did you have like one of those? What is Mikey? Did you have a turtle backpack?

SPEAKER_02:

No.

SPEAKER_03:

Rez, if you could time travel, where would you go? You could go anywhere right now. You snap your fingers and you could go anywhere in the world. You go to the North Pole.

SPEAKER_02:

I would just go to Santa's work. Don't tell him. Can I live with him?

SPEAKER_03:

What would you tell him?

SPEAKER_02:

I would tell him that if I can live with him.

SPEAKER_03:

What would you do at the North Pole? Because you would have to work. Similar to this call, it's gonna be like a work call. What would you would you work for Santa? Uh-huh. What would you do for him?

SPEAKER_02:

And if I'm getting hungry on a fake food, what would he give you, do you think?

SPEAKER_03:

What kind of food do you think they eat in the North Pole?

SPEAKER_02:

I like salmon from polar bear's fish.

SPEAKER_03:

Salmon from Polar Bear's coats?

SPEAKER_02:

Is that no salmon from polar bear's fish?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, salmon from polar bears fish. What's your favorite animal while we're talking about animals? A gorilla? Yeah. They can. That's a great point. Rez, what do you want to be when you grow up? What what job do you want to have?

SPEAKER_02:

I want to oh my I w my job is gonna be to fly a plane.

SPEAKER_03:

Ooh, are you gonna be a pilot?

SPEAKER_02:

Uh-huh. And how I can get back home.

SPEAKER_03:

You gotta fly at home. Why do you want to be a pilot, Rez? Do you like flying?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, because I love flying like a bird.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh yeah, me too. I like that a lot. Well, Rez, I think that's all of the the business questions that I needed to ask you today. Is there anything you want to say to the audience of millions of people who will be listening to this podcast?

SPEAKER_02:

I want to say, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_03:

That's good.

SPEAKER_02:

You should come to our house soon.

SPEAKER_03:

I would love to. Is that a formal invite? I'll play Pokemon with you and we can play with your T-Rex.

SPEAKER_02:

And so we should go skiing with Joe.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. I would like that.

SPEAKER_02:

Because guess what?

SPEAKER_03:

What?

SPEAKER_02:

He can teach us how to ski.

SPEAKER_03:

Are you can do you know how to ski?

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, not yet. Because I still learn and stuff.

SPEAKER_03:

So am I, so we can learn together. Alright, Roz. Well, thank you so much for taking this very, very, very, very important business, Cole. I know you probably have a lot of other business and work to do, so I'll let you go. But um thank you for answering all my questions.

unknown:

Love ya.

SPEAKER_03:

Love you. All right, bye. Who would have thought the first I love you I got would be from a five-year-old. I was so born in the right generation. Wow. I did kind of forget about like the whole attention span element of children. Where I'm like, I don't know why I thought he would like be sitting down on like a Zoom call with like a button up.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what I think is interesting? Yeah. That kids love dinosaurs. Like they seem a little advanced for kids. Well, I'm also like a six-year-old, like, this is my stegosaurus.

SPEAKER_03:

It's crazy that dinosaurs are still like being talked about. Like, I genuinely want to have like that big of an impact on this world where it's like, holy shit, I've been gone for this long, and people are still like, wow, let's make figurines of them.

SPEAKER_00:

It's just funny that that's like what every little boy loves. Right. Dinosaurs. Like, baby, we have others. Everything about dinosaurs, too.

SPEAKER_03:

We need to start having kids be obsessed with things that will actually benefit them in the future. Like, let's get kids like obsessed with SEP IRA accounts. 401ks, like they're they fucking love that shit. They're doing like fake checks, they're doing bounce checks.

SPEAKER_00:

Can we talk about his favorite food being salmon sushi?

SPEAKER_03:

That's like crazy. And like that's something that like my kid like genuinely is gonna be eating like quinoa beet salad, like as a kid, because I want him to be like, I don't want to be like mac and cheese or cheese pizza, or I will kill myself. Like, I want him to be like, ooh, I'll do cucumbers and tzeke. Like eating being able to eat salmon sushi at age five, like genuinely, I couldn't even like look at a fish until last year.

SPEAKER_00:

Were you guys picky eaters as kids? I didn't think so, but like I wouldn't eat salmon.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't ever remember like ordering off the kids' menu. Like from a young age, I think I was like already eating.

SPEAKER_03:

You're like, I want the adult.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I was literally like, I will do the Waivos Rancheros and I will do the grain bowl with chorizo.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm tired of saying you know what, you love it, but I know you do. I fucking know you do. Am I in the wrong? I, 33M, was with my ex-wife Amy, 34F, bitch, kidding, for four years. We had an 18-month-old daughter.

unknown:

When?

SPEAKER_03:

When? Say when. Stupid. We got divorced last year, I'm sure. Amy has a six-year-old daughter, Ella, whose dad isn't involved. During our marriage, I took on the brunt of the money stuff because she was uh S-A-H-M.

unknown:

Stay-at-home mom.

SPEAKER_03:

When did y'all okay? All right, she's a stay-at-home mom our entire our whole relationship. The whole time I treated Ella no different than I treated Wyn. I got her everything she needed and cared for her as a parent should. Once we split up, we split 50-50 custody of Wynne. I pay for a lot by choice. As I make more money than Amy, and I want our daughter to have a comfortable life. My issue is my ex-wife is feeling some type of way because I no longer want to fund Ella's life. When I pick up Wyn, it's no secret we go off and do fun stuff like zoos or movies. Wynne also often gets new clothes and shoes. Amy feels it's not fair that I won't maintain Ella's life anymore after four years of doing it and I've abandoned my daughter. I feel like she's no longer my responsibility. I know Amy cannot afford to give Ella the life we used to give her, but what should I do? I talked to my mom about it and she thinks I'm a massive asshole as she sees Ella as a granddaughter just as much as she sees Wyn. Am I in the wrong? Something light. Me like doing a custody battle right now. Fuck it. Alright. Am I in the wrong? Alright, let's see. Let me kind of look over some look. I mean, like, this is like very, very hard. I also am not a product of divorce, which I'm like very fortunate and grateful for. Um, but also the custody thing is not something I've personally had to deal with, thankfully. But also, like, is a very real issue. I mean, it's hard because it's like, I mean, like, she isn't your daughter, but then it's like that's horrible to just be like, you're baby, you're fine. That's like your daughter. Who gives a fuck? Like, it's a six-year-old daughter. Like a six-year-old girl. It's hard to just be like, who cares? You're just gonna really like it's it's hurting the daughter, not really the wife, but then it's also like, oh what, so you're just gonna keep paying for her because the wife is she not getting like any money from the other husband? So it's a man. He was married to his ex-wife, Amy, for four years, and they got divorced last year. Yeah. And she has a six-year-old. Yeah. So she had a one-year-old when they were or two-year-old, I guess. No. A two-year-old. One year old, because then they were together for four years, and then they got divorced last year. Yeah.

unknown:

It's like a math problem.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, so it's I mean, it is like shot married to someone new when she had a one-year-old.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, that's also like if you're getting married to someone who has a one-year-old, like, you have to kind of like realize that that is gonna be kind of like a big amount of your problem. It's hard to be like, it's not my kid. Hey, hey, it's not my kid. When you're like marrying someone with a one-year-old child, it's like, baby, that it pretty much damn near is your kid, and then you spent four years with the with the damn girl. I think it's also hard, it's like you have more money than her, so it's like again, you are just hurting the daughter, you're not even like necessarily hurting the wife. And I feel like if you ever want to have a relationship with the daughter, you should just like you know, kind of step up and pay for some. But then again, it's like not your daughter, but then it's also like you just kind of are like a piece of shit. Just like, hey, not my fucking problem. I'm not gonna tell you guys what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna just make a call.

unknown:

You call Ella.

SPEAKER_03:

Hi, who is this? Oh my goodness, this is a 35M. Hi, look. Is Ella your daughter? No, okay, we all fucking get that, got that part. Like, whatever, you don't have to do anything, but also it's like, do you really would just like not want to have to show up for this girl? Like, I I you shouldn't have to, you know, pay the amount that you're paying before, but also it's like, damn, you're really like screwing over a six-year-old girl. Do you want you want that on your conscience? Also, if you screw her over now, she probably will never want to have a relationship with you old uh when you're older. I think if you don't want to give money, that's fine, but you kind of are an asshole for that. And again, it will just affect your relationship with a daughter and also your ex-wife. And if you can afford it, just give up, just give a little. If you see something, say something. If not, you're kind of an asshole. And like most dads are like, I'm sure you're gonna like completely fuck up their relationship, and then they will never forgive you for this. Um, so if you want to do that and go down that route, sure, you know, pinch your fucking pennies. But you also could just be like a halfway decent guy and just throw uh throw Ella a little bit of cashola, cold hard cash. What do you what do you need all that money for? What do you I you have like another daughter, Win? Why'd you name her daughter Wyn? Sorry. It doesn't matter. Um yeah, just give Ella the money. Give like you just would rather. I think it's like smarter to just save that relationship, or else again, she will fucking hate your ass in like five to ten years when she kind of feels like realizes that you're a piece of shit. So yeah, just send some money over, Ben Moselle, the Cash App, whatever works, uh checks too. Uh cash is preferred for sure. Um, but yeah, don't be a piece of shit. You got the money, give it. Alright. Love you too. First custody battle on the pod. My god. You're welcome, Ella Jesus. He was gonna walk away and I gave you a cent. So you're welcome for saying something. Y'all, that was another dialing in with Brett episode in the books. You can't see Bailey, but she's dancing and doing some jumping jacks. This girl wants to do a berry's boot camp class bath.

SPEAKER_00:

Doing the renegade.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you guys so much for listening. I'm so glad we got it, you know, get some insight from a child for once. Um, I love that they have kind of one track minds. Pokemon still a fucking thing, dinosaurs, are still being talked about. Like, fuck. Would love my podcast to have that about blow my shit up, send your shit in, stop posting your Strava because we really don't care unless you're truly under like a seven-minute mile. Then I would love to see it because I'm I'm really impressed by you. Um, be good to others, do a headstand, eat salmon sushi, feed your five-year-old salmon sushi, give your kid that you don't have custody over some cash if you can. Help out where ne needed.