"I Didn't Mean It Like That!" — Why Impact Beats Intention

You've heard it. You've probably said it. "I didn't mean it like that."

And maybe that's true. But it doesn't matter as much as you think it does.

This episode unpacks one of the most common damaging patterns in relationships — confusing intention, outcome and responsibility. Good intentions don't erase harm. They don't replace an apology. And when "I didn't mean it" becomes the default response to someone's hurt, it stops being a clarification and starts being a dismissal.

This episode builds on the previous one. If you haven't listened to that yet, start there.

This episode covers:

• Why good intentions and real harm can both be true at the same time
• How "I didn't mean it" becomes a way of avoiding accountability
• What a genuine apology actually requires — and why most don't clear the bar
• Why the impact of your actions is your responsibility, regardless of your intent

If you've ever had your hurt dismissed because someone "didn't mean it" — or done the dismissing yourself — listen now.

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Follow Helen: @helenbillows | @thetraumanerd

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, I'm Helen Villows, and this is the Trauma Nerd Podcast. I'm a registered psychologist, EMDR therapist, and I work exclusively with trauma. This podcast is for people who want psychologically sound explanations without pop psych shortcuts, toxic positivity, or excuses dressed up as empathy. We'll talk about trauma, responsibility, relationships, and recovery, backed by nuance, honesty, and of course, actual evidence. Let's get into it. Last episode, I talked about how empathy and responsibility keep getting very tangled up. How understanding why someone behaved a certain way can be mistaken for a reason they don't need to take responsibility for their behavior, or that their responsibility for their behavior can be reduced. So that's based upon their that that would be based upon their, you know, trauma, adversity they've experienced, or um just their psychological context in general, that basically we're saying that if that's if they've got a bad history, it m it tracks that they have reduced responsibility for their behavior. So we effectively debunked that last pod. At the end of the episode last time, I touched accidentally, unintentionally, as you have it, on the concept of intention and responsibility. This is also an important topic, and it's actually it's a close relative of the empathy and responsibility confusion. So, hello, my name is Helen Billows, and this is the Trauma Nerd Podcast. I'm a registered psychologist, EMDR therapist, and supervisor, and I run a trauma-focused private practice in Adelaide, South Australia. So you might be sitting there thinking, what on earth does this is a trauma podcast. What on earth does this have to do with trauma and trauma therapy? Uh, well, in my opinion, it has a lot to do with it because if you've ever been in a relationship with somebody, whether it's a family member or a romantic relationship or even an adult child um who regularly confuses their intention with their responsibility in the world, that relationship is gonna, it's gonna be a problem. It's gonna come up. And in my opinion, again, I think that when this occurs chronically in a relationship, this can be a form of emotional abuse. Now, let's not ride at dawn. Let me explain that first. Um, I will explain it. Let me um let me state my case. Okay, so first of all, I'm sure we've heard it all before, right? This idea, this idea, but I didn't mean it like that. That is, I meant well, my intentions were good, so it's not my fault. I don't need to take responsibility for my actions because I didn't intend for them to cause harm. They did cause harm. So something I said hurt somebody, caused somebody distress, um, you know, caused a problem. Something I did or said caused a problem, but I didn't intend for that problem to occur. So I I'm sorry, but it's not my fault. So that doesn't track. Let me clarify. When someone says something like I didn't mean it like that, they are responding to someone's pain or hurt by clarifying their intentions. So I didn't mean it in the way you received it, which has obviously hurt your feelings, right? And let's let's be clear here. If you do accidentally, or if somebody accidentally upsets somebody or causes some kind of problem, clarifying intention is often a very important thing to do. It can add context, it can reduce misunderstanding, it's probably it's an it's an important element of the repair process, actually. Um, it helps the person or people you've upset understand where you are actually coming from. There is a better way to do that though, a more effective way to do that, and I'll come to that later. So let's be clear, this is another responsibility issue because even if your intentions were good, it doesn't mean you're not responsible for the impact that you had. Not meaning to cause harm doesn't mean harm didn't occur. Intentions live in your head. Other people can't see your intentions right. There's something that happens in your head. Impact is what everybody sees. That's what actually happened. And responsibility does come with that impact. So I can't say, oh sure, I drove my car while I was drunk, but I didn't mean to kill somebody. Yeah, sure, I hit somebody with my car while I was drunk and I killed them, but I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to kill somebody. All I meant all I intended to do was drink drive. So you punish me for that, but I didn't intend to kill somebody. Well, yeah, but you did. So I didn't intend for that to happen like that isn't gonna go well for you in a courtroom, and it generally just represents faulty reasoning. I didn't intend to cause harm, therefore, I'm not responsible for the harm that occurred. It doesn't make sense, right? We can see that. Good intentions don't absolve anybody of responsibility for the outcome or impact that they have had or caused. Um, I think that what's often happening here is that people hear, you hurt me or you did this, and it feels like an attack, and it is received as you did it intentionally, and thus you are a bad person. So that feels like a poor faith interpretation of our character, and it leads us to feel misrepresented. So naturally, as the imperfect beings we are, and we all do this, we rush to defend our character instead of actually responding to the injury we've caused. So this is where things might come in like I was just joking. I was, I didn't mean it like that. But these sentences don't repair anything, they're not apologies, and they're not even really explanations. They're just kind of those, they're just defensive, right? And they're responses that will feel very dismissive and very invalidating to the person that you have hurt because you're not actually expressing remorse and repairing the problem. So now let me get to the part where why this is relevant in trauma context. I'm sure half of the listeners are already there because you've been in a relationship with somebody who did this, who confused their intention with the outcome of their actions frequently or very consistently. Because this causes an this causes a really big problem because that means that every time they hurt you, every time they say or do something that hurts your feelings, if they intended well, you're not allowed to be upset. That that's not okay, right? And that doesn't, it life doesn't work like that. Because if you're if the person hurting you actually, first of all, if the person who has hurt you, of course they have good intentions. I hope so. I hope so. If you're in a relationship or friendship or whatever with somebody who has legitimate bad intentions towards you, that's another kettle of fish, right? That's a whole other conversation that we're having. Of course they've got good intentions. We would hope so. Um and so if you're in a relationship with somebody who confuses these concepts, you're actually never allowed to be upset at anything that they do because they're always gonna have good intentions. Most of the time, 99% of the time, towards you, they're gonna have good intentions. So they're going to be able to read like to irrationally reason, but they will be able to reason away. Well, no, but I intended this. So your feelings not allowed. Okay. So that's a form of gaslighting, right? That becomes emotionally abusive. And no, they're not intending to emotionally abuse or gaslight you either. But again, intention is irrelevant because that's what's happening. If you're never allowed to have your feelings, you're not allowed to be upset because I had good intentions, then I'm just never allowed to be upset. And what ends up happening here is that the person who's never allowed to be upset, their emotional reality is just always overruled. Their feelings always come last because your intentions are setting the emotional tone. That's not okay and it's not fair. So this is where we need to introduce more flexible thinking again, right? So multiple simultaneous truths again. Your intentions can be good and you can also cause harm. You can be a good person and also cause harm. You can be well-intentioned and wrong. You can be well-intentioned and clumsy. Hello, that's me all the time. Clumsiness. I am frequently, I'm always well-intentioned, always, always, always. Um but I I put my foot in it a lot with being clumsy about the way that I say or do things. Um that's where my apologies often have to come from, my clumsy wording, but hey, it's a it's a character, it's a character trait. So you can be well-intentioned and still owe an apology. So the helpful way that somebody can respond if they accidentally hurt somebody is I didn't intend to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I'm so sorry. What XYZ came across that way, what I actually intended was this. So, sure, clarify your intentions, that's fantastic. That's a great thing to do. But you also need to express remorse and you also need to acknowledge that her harm was caused and hurt was caused. Do not say. I'm sorry you took it that way. That one is straight to jail. You don't pass go, you don't get$20. No, no, no. Um, in the same jail category are those earlier statements. I was just joking. No, no, no, you can't be upset. Oh, this is a joke. Oh my god, come on, you need to lighten up. I was just kidding. Um again, that is invalidation. And if that occurs, if this confusion occurs consistently in a relationship, that is actually a form of emotional abuse. Again, probably unintentional, but you get the gist. So that is it for today's episode. Thank you again so much for listening. If this resonated, share it with someone, subscribe, leave a rating. Any kind of engagement is super helpful. Maybe even send it passive aggressively to someone you think needs to hear this message. Um, please, as always, send your questions or ideas for future topics, things you want to learn more about through the website. I love hearing what you want to explore next. Take care and I will see you next time. That's it for today's episode of the Trauma Nerd Podcast. If you felt validated, yay! If you felt challenged, double yay! If you found this useful, you can follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. If you're interested in trauma focused therapy or resources, you can find more information at my website. Thanks for listening and bye for now.