From Road Rage to Sobbing: A Trauma Therapist's Tool for Discharging Anger

You pull over, hands shaking, absolutely raging. How dare they. What is wrong with that person. You're furious.

Except you're not, really. Underneath that rage is something far more vulnerable, and your body knows it before you do.

This episode is a simple, fast-acting tool for discharging anger from the body, the kind that flares up after a trauma trigger or a genuine threat. I also tell you about the night a driver tailgated me through the Adelaide Hills, and how I went from raging to sobbing in about 30 seconds flat.

This episode covers:

• How to discharge angry energy using your body, in 30-second bursts
• Why anger is so often a protective top layer, and what's usually hiding underneath it
• A real road rage story and the technique working in real time
• Why this exact emotional trajectory is what we see in EMDR processing
• When to use this tool, and when definitely not to

It's a coping strategy, not a cure (and get medical clearance before going full effort). If you've got anger that feels bigger than the moment, listen now.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, I'm Hello Filip, and this is the right. Positivity on psychologically sound explanation. Positivity or excuses dressed up as empathy. We'll talk about trauma responsibility, relationship, and recovery. Fact by nuance, honesty, and actual evidence. Let's get into it. Hello and welcome to the Trauma Nerd Podcast, the ninth episode, may I add? I can't believe it's already been nine episodes. That is amazing. It's gone so quickly. Here I was at the beginning thinking, am I gonna be able to come up with enough to talk about? Um, and it's been rather the opposite. I've struggled to actually. I feel like that if 100% is the amount that I have to talk about, it's been like not even 1% that I've been able to put into these pods. And if I didn't have also a full-time job in my trauma therapy practice, um, I would be able to do so much more of this and actually do long podcasts with loads of information in them. Um, but I just don't have time. Especially also having a two-year-old, they're just very time-consuming parents, I'm sure you all know. Um, so this is going to be another, I say quick, it probably won't be, but it was quickly put together. Um I was sick for the last pod, and then for this one, you know, when you're sick for a while and then the next few weeks you're having to just try to play catch up. That's kind of where I've been at. So I haven't been able to plan a big podcast. But um, being that this is a ninth episode, I think for the 10th one I'll be able to do something a little more comprehensive. Um, and I actually think that's gonna be 11 episodes because I have I already had a plan. So, anyways, I digress. There's more coming, but I think the first season's almost done, and that's really exciting, and I've got lots of exciting stuff planned, anyways. I'm gonna actually talk about the pods. So today I have a tool for you that I think can be really helpful for trauma-related anger triggers. So the idea being that if you notice yourself having angry reactions that feel like they're not right, they don't fit the situation, or you just have a sense inside that there's just something a little more to this response. Um this might help. It's not a solution, it's a it is a coping strategy. And if you've seen my website, I'm all about like, I don't want to just help you cope. There is value to coping. I'm not I'm not against coping. That's important. Um, I just think coping is not only coping is not our only goal. I want to help people heal as well. But that's where trauma therapy comes in. I can't help you heal fully in a podcast. But, anyways, this technique is about discharging angry energy and it can work quite rapidly. It's ultimately about using your body to digest fight energy that's arising as a result of a trauma trigger or an actual um threat situation, which I'm gonna give you an example of in a moment. Basically, the idea is you intensely activate your body with physical activity. So, people that go to the gym probably are already doing this for that. Maybe you are realizing it. This is the whole idea of, you know, physical activity helps your mental health, but this is just a really specific application of that. So the version that I read was like you can be sitting in a chair, you can really do anything. You put your hands underneath the bottom of the chair while and you pull up as hard as you can while simultaneously pushing down into the floor with your feet. So you'll want to do that for about 30 seconds. Um, you may need to do it repeatedly. So you might need to do 30 seconds, take a little break, do another 30 seconds, take a break, do another 30 seconds. Um, but I would encourage you, if you're trying it out, to rate your anger each time. I suspect, like if you start off with an anger response of like a 9 out of 10, um 0 being neutral, 10 being the most intense anger you could possibly feel, if you start at a 10 every 30 seconds, it's probably gonna take it down two to three notches. You and you should land in a fair, maybe you might get to a zero, but um, probably more realistically, you might land on like a two to three to four, which if you started at a ten is actually pretty fantastic, really. Um, but just keep in mind it needs you might need a few reruns of it, and um, you need to do it for about 30 seconds. Just um, I feel like I should add like a disclaimer here. Obviously, don't do it if your doctor's advised against your exercising or you have a heart problem, get clearance first. The intention here is to really activate your muscles. So we're putting in literally like 10 out of 10, you're going for gold. You're putting in all of your effort. So you should be like, ooh, kind of doing that. Um what should happen is that the anger discharges and whatever is underneath should emerge. And generally, it will be a more vulnerable emotion that needs to be felt. And just to give context as to why this actually works, it's I think it can be understood as that top anger layer really being that defensive reaction, the protective mama bear kind of reaction of like, oh, get out of here, sort of thing. So it is a fight response, probably. Um and when you but underneath that fight response is going to be the fear, the vulnerability, whatever is underlying the survival reaction. Um and through digesting that top fighty layer, you are going to be able to access the probably you should be able to access the more um tender feelings underneath it. I can actually give you an example of a time where I used this and it worked extremely effectively for me. I haven't used it in a long time actually, but um, when I have used it, I really liked it. So I was driving through the Adelaide Hills one evening and I had a Ute with high beams on tailgating me. They were driving, you know when you can just tell somebody's driving aggressively, they were like really close, they were kind of going back and forth, and like I could tell they were pissed off and they were freaking me out. I increased my speed a bit, um, so as not to speed, but just to try go a little bit faster to sort of placate them because they were scaring me. Um, but they actually just tailgated more me more and did nothing. Um, and I do want to note, not that anything would warrant that behaviour, but I truly did nothing. I would admit it if I had like accidentally cut them off or something and like there was a trigger point, but I um honestly think this person was just pissed off that I wasn't willing to go like 70 in a 50 zone. Um, I was terrified to the point where I actually pulled into somewhere I wasn't going because I seriously thought this person was gonna like follow me and hurt me. So I pulled up into my fake destination, and as I actually slowed down to turn in, they really aggressively like you know, they like speed and go really fast to overtake you because they're annoyed. Um, they did that, went on to the wrong side of the road to go over around me and like abuse me at the window. So by the time I pulled over, interestingly, I was furious. I was raging. I think at the time, like when I look back, I can see that I was terrified. But at the time, I think I was just like, that mother effer. Like, how how dare they do that to me? I didn't do anything. That was totally unprovoked. What is wrong with them? Like, I was raging, I was so angry. Um, but also, no, I was shaking, sweat, like profusely sweating, my heart's racing. I can't think straight. This is a survival reaction in response to an active threat, which is an appropriate response in that situation because there was a threat. There was a genuine threat to my safety. That aggression is going to trigger a threat response. Of course it is. I was scared. So um, yeah, that was not. So to clarify, that is not a trauma response because there was a there was an active, legitimate threat there. Um, and I was legitimately frightened for my safety. So, like the true uh trauma therapist I am, I remembered this strategy and I gave it a go. I'm constantly therapizing myself. So at least you know I everything I do, I've tried first on myself. Um, I'm my own guinea pig for everything. So I grabbed my steering wheel with like everything I had, and I'm like and pushing down on the floor with my feet for about 30 seconds. And guess what happened? I burst into tears. I was like sobbing, like heaving, sobbing, like really intensely deeply sobbing. So the way that I inter the so the way that I conceptualized that I was safe. That person was gone. I didn't think they were coming back as if they're gonna come back. Um I was safe, and because I had achieved safety, the angry surface layer that was able to digest. So the vulnerable feelings underneath that were then able to surface. And really, it was terror. I was just terrified. So I sat there and just sobbed about how completely terrifying that had been. I breathed through it and let my emotions flow and just gave myself permission to feel everything that came up because that's really what our feelings need. And especially when we're working with trauma-related or threat-related um feelings. We, our body, all our body wants to do is feel them. We really need to allow that to happen when active processing is occurring. So interestingly, once I finished crying, because it does, it won't last forever. I I go processed it, I let it go. It's probably a few minutes that I was just heaving, sobbing, and I was absolutely fine. I sat there, I was grounded, I recognized I was safe, and I was able to drive home and go talk to my partner about what had happened. Um, which is an I was still angry. I was like, that guy, like that's crazy. Um, how dare they do that sort of thing? But I wasn't raging. I was just angry that someone treated me like that. So I was in a ground, it was regulated anger. Um, and that that co-regulation, that talking about it, is an important part of that process too, because I'm helping my brain really fully fully integrate the experience. And we actually do that in EMDR too. So I strongly believe that that experience probably would have become a stuck trauma memory if I had not digested the anger to then enable those feelings to arise and allow them to be processed. And interestingly, just from a trauma therapist perspective, the trajectory I followed emotionally from rage to terror, I'm not safe, I'm in danger, to I'm okay, I'm safe now is literally what can be witnessed during EMDR processing. So EMDR you can think of as basically initiating that emotion information processing system that wasn't able to occur at the time. So if I wasn't able to do that at that time, I would have been able to do EMDR on it and the literal same trajectory would have occurred anyways. So basically, we when we use EMDR, we are triggering that exact process. We're just doing it at a later time because obviously it hasn't happened at the time and the experience has gotten a bit stuck. Um, but EMDR will enable you when it's done, if you're a good candidate, you your experience is relevant to do EMDR with, um, and we're able to do it effectively, that memory should fully process and be fully integrated. And you should follow, you won't follow the same trajectory because you might have a different experience and it might not be relevant. But there will be some kind of trajectory that lands in some kind of place of I'm safe, I'm okay, I'm fine as I am, I'm lovable, I'm worthy, whatever the landing place is, that will be the end result. So that's really cool. Um, so this strategy can work in a situation like mine where there is an actual threat. You need to be safe when you do it though. Don't do it during an active threat. You need to be, it needs to be over for because otherwise I can't imagine it would work if you're still in danger because the survival reaction will still be firing. Um, and do remember it's not a trauma response. If the threat is present and real, at that point it's a normal survival response. Um, it's considered trauma once it does get stuck and causes you problems later. If you experience a threat and you're angry and overwhelmed, this might help your emotional processing. So just be prepared to feel whatever is underneath it fully. Um, and I think it can also work really well with trauma triggers. So if you have a temper or you have an angry response that you think is related to the past, or you think there's just something deeper about it, this might help. Um, if it might help you also, it can just be interesting, I think, and help with your understanding, connecting the dots and your insight, even just to know what's underneath it. Because sometimes that can be quite surprising too. Um, but most of all, I think it can just be helpful if we're able to reduce the intensity of the um anger if we're having, if we've got a recurring difficulty with anger, or we we know we've got a trigger that makes us angry. Um, this can be very helpful to reduce the intensity. And most people who have difficulties managing their anger are seeking that. So that is it for me today. Um, I hope you're enjoying the listen so far. I have some really exciting stuff coming up. Stay tuned, leave a review, subscribe to the mailing list. I promise I won't annoy you. Take care and see you next time. That's it for today's episode of the Trauma Nerd Podcast. If you felt validated, yay! If you felt challenged, double yay. If you found this useful, you can follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. If you're interested in trauma focused therapy or resources, you can find more information at my website. Thanks for listening and bye for now.