5 Surprising Signs You're Being a Crappy Parent to Yourself

You're probably pretty good at the soft stuff. The kindness, the compassion, the not being too hard on yourself. Good. Keep doing that.

But that's only half of good parenting. The other half has a fire to it, and most of us are accidentally skipping it.

This episode covers:

• Why self-discipline is an act of love, not punishment
• The "it's not my fault-itis" problem and why dodging accountability is actually unkind to yourself
• Why shame is a terrible motivator and what the research says to use instead
• Why judging your feelings adds a second layer of distress on top of the first
• Why your environment is a self-parenting issue

Spoiler: I saw myself in all five.

If you've ever wondered why being kind to yourself isn't quite working, listen to this.

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Follow Helen: @helenbillows

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, I'm Helen Fillers, and this is the trauma podcast. I'm the right psychologist and the other exclusively with positivity on psychologically sound explanation. Without psychological toxic positivity or excuses dressed up as empathy. We'll talk about trauma, responsibility, relationships, and recovery. Facts by nuance, honesty, and of course actual evidence. Let's get into it. Hello and welcome to the Trauma Nerd Podcast, the 10th episode. I can't believe I managed 10 episodes already, and we're almost at a thousand total downloads for the whole like all of the episodes so far. Um, which for a rookie, like they're rookie numbers, but for a new pod with like no no existing audience, I actually think that's pretty cool. So thank you to everybody who's listened. I hope you find I hope you're finding it helpful. I hope you find this one helpful. So today I'm talking about I'm being careful with my wording here, but ways that you might not be a very good parent to yourself at times, right? None of us can be a perfect parent all the time, whether it's to little people or big people like yourself, right? So the signs of poor self-parenting, areas to grow, right? It's all about the growth. Um, the ones that I'm going into today are things that it's a very small portion of my approach to this topic. I think I could probably do like a whole course series on this. There's so much to know. But the um the ideas here, I think, are ways that this can happen that are not well known, that I I think that don't get talked about very often. So, um, anyways, I'm gonna stop yapping and I'm gonna get into it. So basically, the concept of parenting yourself runs through many psychological models. Some of the popular ones, for example, are internal family systems, schema therapy, ego state therapy, and there are many, many more. The core idea being that there is a part, these are all parts therapies, and I've kind of expressed my thoughts on those in the past, but um, there they definitely have good stuff. So the the the idea is that your most, there's a part of you that represents your most grown-up self. They all the approaches handle this differently. But there's this idea that it's your most grown-up self, the part of you that can control things, um, oversees every feeling, state, and emotion. Um, it's the observer, your some people refer to it as the your highest self, your healthiest self, your most grown-up adult self. Um, whatever you want to call it, it's sort of your, it's you, right? Um, it's it's an abstract concept, but it's you. And if you're an adult, that you is also going to be an adult. And so we're kind of thinking about that version of you as the parent. And by and being the parent, you are the leader of your internal system. I sound like Richard Swartz there of internal family systems therapy, but I promise this is not an IFS pod. Um, the idea of the internal leadership, that well, internal leadership is how IFS talk about it. Um, but I think that's a really nice way to put it. Parenting and leadership are kind of the same thing. Parents out there will know what I'm talking about. Um, we are, we are leaders to our kids. So basically, this part of you, that this you that I'm referring to, is the parent, and we think about your thoughts, feelings, urges, and impulses as children. They're not children, they're thoughts, feelings, impulses, behaviors, whatever. Um, but this is just a nice analogy to establish the hierarchy that inside and to help you relate to yourself in a healthier way. So, an example of this analogy in action. Let's say someone's rude to you and you feel mad about it, which is normal. You have an impulse to throw something at them. Not so helpful. You stop yourself because you know that it's not okay to throw something at somebody, and you're going to make a bad situation worse for yourself by doing that. So, in this context, the anger and the impulse to throw something would be seen as that inner childlike experience. Uh, while your best self, your most grown-up self, your healthiest adult self, whatever you want to call it, knows that's a part of you that knows it's not okay and knows that that action will ultimately be unhelpful for you. Your healthy self is not impulsive and it's not reactive, and it can think that part of you can think forward to the future and weigh the pros and on um the pros and cons of the options before you calmly. So most of most people meet this idea of that internal, like I'm the parent, my feelings and thoughts, my experience is what I'm in relationship with, like that's the child. Um, most people meet this idea through that more tender application of that, like soothing yourself, validating yourself, showing yourself kindness and compassion, nurturing, caring, that sort of stuff, being kind to yourself. Um, and while that side is, of course, very, very important, it's only half of good parenting. The other half, I think, now, I think the other half gets accidentally ignored. Um, I don't think that's because it's been ignored in the theories that exist around this. I think it's because we don't know how to do it well. So we've got this tender, loving care side, right? That's a more nurturing side of parenting. The other side has a fire to it, a fierceness, which involves taking necessary action, protecting yourself, setting limits, holding standards. Um, Kristen Neff, I really like her work. Um, she's done a lot of research on self-compassion, and she's got a book called Fierce Self-compassion. And she describes self-compassion as almost a yin and yang experience, where the yin is that softer, more nurturing, tender self-compassion side, and the yang is that fire, the fierceness, the saying no, uh, the protecting yourself from harm, setting boundaries, setting boundaries to meet your needs and um motivating necessary change. So we have this yin and yang, the nurturing the protective sides of love, because there is a fiery side to love. Like if I, if my son, if I'm watching my son at the playground and some stranger approaches him and tries to lure him away from the playground with candy, you're not gonna see a nurturing mother in response to that. I'm gonna beat someone up, right? So I'm gonna go running and go like tackle this guy because that's that's my mama bear the claws come out. There is a fierce loving protection side to love, okay? And just as much as we need that to demonstrate those two, that the balance of this with our children, we need to do it for ourselves too. So now that I've grounded you very briefly in these concepts, I'm gonna give you five signs that you're maybe accidentally being kind of a crappy parent to yourself, or a nicer way to put that is areas to grow if you notice, if you see yourself in these. And just uh spoiler alert, I saw myself at times in all of them. So let's just normalize that we all do these things sometimes. Number one, now I think this is such an interesting one that so many people miss in terms of parenting themselves. Discipline. So, one example of not parenting yourself well is if you cannot or just don't discipline yourself. The crux of this is often about choosing what's easiest or most immediately gratifying over what is in your best interests. Life is full of things I don't want to do. I don't particularly want to have to pay bills. I want to keep all my money and buy shit I want, right? Don't want to pay my mortgage either. I'd rather go on a flight to Europe. Um, I didn't want to do eight years at uni and get a six-figure hex debt, but I did do it because it was in my best interest. I wanted a financially secure future, lots of job opportunity and security, and to work in a field that I was genuinely passionate about. It was really hard work, I had to sacrifice a lot. Um, but I I did it because I that's what I that's what I had to do to get where I wanted, and that required a lot of discipline. So, discipline that keeps you on track, that's delivered with respect, heavy on the respect. We're not doing this with criticism or contempt towards ourselves, but discipline delivered in that manner is loving. Okay, it would not have been very loving to myself if I really wanted these things for my future, and I went, eh, too hard. I don't want to do it. That's I I I mean, it is hard. It is understandable to not want to do it, but this is where the discipline comes in because we act just as we would for the people we love and for our children. You know, I don't let my son eat lollies every meal. He would eat chippies. Oh my god, my son is this is me. I've done this to him. I have a chippy addiction. Um, he ha he has a chippy addiction. He would happily eat chippies for every meal, hot chips, right? Um, but he doesn't because it's not in his best interest to do that. So he has some chippies as a snack, but otherwise he has regular, healthy, balanced meals because I need to impose discipline upon him because I love him. So, you know, this is this is what we're talking about here. So some of the signs of poor self-discipline, that there are hundreds of thousands, right? So this is three, but some examples. You don't follow through on what you say you're going to do. So you're like, I'm gonna do XYZ, I'm gonna get this done, I really wanna do this, and you never do it. You can't set goals and stick to them. So, like, I'm gonna upskill in this area, I'm gonna do this training by this date, I'm gonna um be able to run 5Ks without stopping by here, and you just can't, you never follow through. The third is you choose what's easiest rather than what is in your best interest, which is kind of I've already mentioned that. So tiny, there's only two options, two examples. But I I think that's really, like I said, the crux of it. We go with what's easiest, what's immediately available, the easier, immediate option over the longer haul, harder version that's actually better for us. So the solution to this, to be a better parent to yourself, is to learn to do this. Learn to do what is in your best interest over what is quickest or easiest. Learn to discipline yourself so that you can delay gratification and achieve your longer-term goals. You'll be happier, you'll have the things that you want, and life will probably be better for you, I would imagine. Um so, number two, you let yourself off the hook when you've genuinely messed up. Making excuses, this actually, I've already done a podcast on um the responsibility empathy problem. And this is kind of touching on that. Making excuses and dodging responsibility for your own behavior is not kind to yourself. You are throwing away your agency. People with an internal sense of control over their lives tend to fare much better than those who externalize it. My own clinical read is that I think the tendency to not take accountability for your behavior, the I call it it's not my fault itis. It's not my fault that that happened. Well, but this and this, all the excuses, I can't do this because this and this and this and this. It's not my fault. I think, look, sometimes it's genuinely not, but I think this ultimately is modelled by our caregivers or some significant adults when we're younger. Um, we and I think this happens in two main ways. That we either have a parent who does this and normalizes it. So many parents, like without realizing it, of course, they're not doing it on purpose. It's their own stuff that's happening for them. Um, but I think this gets modelled either by parents doing it themselves, like, oh, well, that's that's not my fault because this, and that's not my fault because this. Um, or as a child, we've had parents who made excuses for us. So if we behaved badly, our parent always went, oh, well, you know, he only or she only did that because this, or, you know, we never had to face consequences. We never had to take accountability because it always got dismissed and brushed off. So the solution here is to learn to take accountability for your shit. Let's normalize that. Um, I guess the immediate of that kind of sucks, but it's so much better for us in the long run because when you take responsibility, it gives you power to change things and to change your life and do things differently and do better. Um, I actually remember in my early 20s when I had the realization that my behavior, like I don't know why this was such a well, actually I do, um, but this was kind of, I don't know, it's funny when I look back at it now, but this was a real revelation to me. Like, I'm responsible for my behaviour. Um I had the realisation that it was all on me. No one's coming to save you. They might, but he well, they might, but do you want to pray and hope for that and just sit patiently waiting for Prince Charming to come along and help you? Or do you want to empower yourself and take action to change your life? Um and ultimately I decided that I wanted to do that and I had to be the one to do it. And funnily enough, my immediate reaction to that when I came to terms with that was anger, feeling really angry and like it's so it's not fair. I don't want to have to do this. Nobody does, by the way. Um, and actually feelings of despair. And I well, not straight away, but I did let I did eventually let those feelings flow and I did accept them. Just as much as I accepted that it was true that I had to take responsibility for my own shit, um, I also accepted that it felt unfair and I didn't want it to be that way. And I just let myself feel all of that. And funnily enough, what was on the other side of that for me was hope. Once I worked through all of that, I was like, hang on, this is actually good. If it felt hopeful, and I felt probably probably for the first time a real sense of agency and empowerment within myself because I thought to myself, it's if it's on me, I can do anything. I can take action, I can make decisions, I can do whatever I want to change my life and make it better. So I actually want it to be on me. This is a great thing. Um so yeah, I think this one's a challenge for everybody, but the best parents take accountability for themselves and help their kids take responsibility for themselves too. Much better outcomes in the research for people who learn to do that. So good parenting. The third point I have here of a crappy parent to yourself. You use shame or aggression to motivate yourself. Now, this is so interesting. I saw on Instagram, I can't remember, I should have saved the post, but I saw somebody post that shame is not an effective motivator and you need to be compassionate to yourself. And so many of the comments were like, Can you speak more to this? It never occurred to me that people um would think that shame was a good way to motivate themselves. Um, but really, now that I think back again in my early 20s, I probably did the same thing. So here's why I'm gonna lay it out. Research shows that shame and self-attack are poor quality motivators. Do they work kind of, but in the same way harsh criticism works on a child through fear. Coming back to Kristen Neff for a moment because I'm a fangirl of hers, um, she's done a lot of research on self-compassion, and her research is clear that self-criticism does drive action and motivate us, but it's at a cost. Because it also breeds fear of failure, performance anxiety, and procrastination, and makes you much more likely to give up on things before you even start them. On the contrary, self-compassionate motivation motivates change too, and it does so far more effectively. With compassionate motivation, so like motivating yourself, but in a compassionate loving way. Um, we are motivated to do things because we care about ourselves and we want ourselves to be happy and healthy. We want the best for ourselves, so we do the thing. When you flog yourself to get moving, you usually land in the worst spot of all. Still not doing the thing and feeling terrible about yourself. So the solution here is to motivate yourself using self-compassion, kindness, and respect. Um, if you're not used to that, I can imagine you're actually gonna have no idea what that even sounds like. Um so my recommendation is to uh head to Kristen Neff's website, go to Guided Practices, and she has some like um off the top of my head, there's a fierce self-compassion break, I think she calls it. Um they are meditations, fierce self-compassion break and the fierce friend meditation or something. But you not that you have to do these regularly, but it might just give you an idea of what that can look like. Um otherwise, sign up to my mailing list because I'm definitely gonna do more on this stuff and um probably do like some programs or online stuff that can help you learn it. Um back of this, the fourth point on my accidental crappy self-parenting, you shame or judge, or I should say you shame and or judge, most people are doing both, you shame and or judge yourself for your feelings. When you respond to your emotions with judgment, shame, and or anger, you are so we've got the original emotions, right? They're already hard. Where, like whatever the emotional, I'm assuming it's gonna be like shame, disappointment, sadness, anger, whatever's there. We've got the challenging layer, and then when you react to this layer with judgment, more shame or more anger, you are stacking an additional layer of distress on top of the first. The research is very clear on this. Uh, accepting your emotions without judging them predicts better psychological health. Judging or resisting your feelings makes it worse. So it's not neutral. You are when you respond like that, you are actually making it worse. Okay. So this isn't about being nice to yourself. I do wish that for you. I hope that for you, that you can learn to find kindness for yourself. Um, but like this is truly just science. You have the original feeling, and then you bolt shame, judgment, or frustration on top. You're adding distress to distress. It's pointless, it's unhelpful, it makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. So the solution here is to respond to your feelings without. judgment or shame and instead learn to validate your own feelings and show demonstrate acceptance towards them. I'm actually going to give you some simple methods here because they're quick and easy, but um I I learned this in my counselling actually I did a master of counselling in psychotherapy because I took the scening route, scenic route to becoming a psychologist. I learned this yeah in my counselling degree a very simple um equation to self-validation. I feel X because why an example um I feel upset and disappointed because I was planning on going for a bike ride and having time to myself and now there's a storm and I can't go so I feel emotion because situation that triggered the emotion. That's the end of it. There's no judgment there's no shame there's no justification. Your feelings just are you don't need to justify them they just are um I also like statements like these are self-validation statements anyone would feel ex in this situation it's normal to feel ex if I had a choice I would choose not to feel this I'm not making a decision I'm having a genuinely hard moment and finally it's really hard feeling like ex okay try some of those on for size um I think another source a very nice source of learning to accept and be non-judging towards your feelings um there is a there's a therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy the book for that I don't actually use that therapy but I know um I do know they uh they use well the approach uses validation non-judgment and accepting acceptance towards feelings um it's um a book called the happiness trap will give you brilliant strategies if you're learning to do this from scratch so I highly recommend that book if this is an if this is new for you and you want to do better for yourself to not be so judging. So my last point this one's I like this I like this one I feel like I didn't figure this out until late in the game late in the game um so my fifth point an example of or a sign that you're being kind of a crappy parent to yourself is you stay in environments that compromise your values and your standards. I actually watched the crash on Netflix the documentary about that girl McKenna I think it was Mackenzie Sherilla. I have so much to say on that but I'm not a forensic psychologist so I'ma stay in my lane and not comment but there was a scene in that um I think it was Davion the um young man in the back seat his father what a beautiful man so emotionally intelligent um he said something that I just thought is so profound such a simple statement but it's so profound show me your friends and I'll show you your future he's right and the research supports it if you are around people who now I'm just giving examples here right there's many many ways that this can manifest. I'm picking the low-hanging fruit if you're around people who drink to excess, normalize dysfunction have no drive have no ambition don't care about their health any of those things when you feel the opposite and your standards and values are the opposite if you spend a lot of time around those people there is a serious risk that your standards and values will erode to match where they're at behaviors are contagious. Healthy behavior is contagious but dysfunctional behavior is contagious too if you stay around it. Behaviors spread through social networks so how much you just using my previous examples how much you drink smoke exercise and what you eat for example are all really socially influenced and I'm sure you have noticed this when you spend when you spend more time around your friends who do Pilates and go for runs every weekend you're much more likely to do Pilates and go for runs every weekend. If you spend heaps of time around your friends who get super drunk every weekend and are too hung over the whole weekend to achieve anything and then feel you know and then start Monday feeling like crap because they still haven't recovered because when you get older like me it takes you two weeks to recover from a night out you're much more likely to do that. So if that is if that behavior is inconsistent with your values and your standards staying in that situation not removing yourself or limiting contact is actually not good parenting so really driving the point home here behavior is contagious your peers' activity runs a very high risk of changing yours and like I said this has been demonstrated in the research. The solution look you don't necessarily need to cut your mates off. Maybe you do if the behavior's bad enough or it's harming you and influencing you to such a severe point that it's untenable sure um but definitely limit your exposure to those environments. That is an act of self-protection and remember self-protection is love. So that's my five uh let's say not crappy parenting examples they're areas for growth if you notice them but they're definitely um areas that I think are under um like underappreciated for the fact that this is self-parenting but it's sort of I don't know it's it it's a side to that that we don't normally think about. And I think a lot of self-parenting we don't normally think about in the ways that would probably be helpful. So I hope that was helpful and I'm actually really looking forward I would love to do more work in this space. So um sign up to my mailing list if this resonated and you'd like more I'm definitely going to do more on it. Otherwise thank you for being here we've just hit 10 episodes that is so exciting. I was going to end at 10 but I've got a bonus episode that's going to make it 11. And then I think that season one will be done and I'm gonna take a break because it's actually been quite difficult to come up with a podcast episode every fortnight. I've managed it but um with a full-time job and a two year old uh life is a bit unrelenting. I'm also seemingly sick every fortnight so that's been a challenge too. But anyways thank you for being here subscribe review help me out um but again thank you for listening and I hope to see you next time. That's it for today's episode of the Trauma Nerd Podcast. If you felt validated yay if you felt challenged double yay. If you found this useful you can follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. If you're interested in trauma focused therapy or resources you can find more information at my website. Thanks for listening and bye for now