Paging Dr. Mom
I was a medical student with two kids, trying to keep it all together. I constantly felt like I had to defend my decision to chase a meaningful career and raise a family at the same time. But professional women with children shouldn’t have to choose between ambition and motherhood.
Paging Dr. Mom is a podcast for the women doing it all and wondering if it’s ever enough. If you’ve ever felt the pressure to be everything to everyone, this space is for you. I’m Dr. Angelle Downey, a family physician, single mom, and host who believes we can thrive, not just survive, through the chaos.
With real talk, expert insights, honest stories, and a few good laughs, we’ll navigate the mental load, burnout, identity shifts, guilt, and joy that come with being a high-achieving woman in a messy, beautiful life. Together, we’ll cry, connect, and grow into the strong, wise women our kids are watching us become.
Let’s build a life we don’t need to apologize for and actually love living.
Paging Dr. Mom
3: Dropping the Super Mom Myth: Interview with Angie Weber From the Parent Toolbox
Feeling overwhelmed by the mental load of motherhood? You’re not alone. In this honest and uplifting conversation, Angie Weber—parent coach, mom of twins, and creator of the Calm Family Planner—shares how small shifts like 15-minute family meetings and emotional awareness can create big changes at home. From battling anxiety to redefining success, Angie offers real talk and practical tools for building a calmer, more connected family life.
Linkedin: AngieWeber
Facebook: TheParentToolbox
The CALM Family planner
This episode includes a paid partnership with BetterHelp. Click the link, betterhelp.com/drdowney, to get 10% off your first month.
Click below to order a copy of my 365 day journal called Enough As I Grow
🖋️ Enough as I Grow 365 day Guided Journal on Amazon
Email: drangeladowney@gmail.com
Social Media links: Here
🎵 Music: Upbeat Strings by Evan MacDonald
Hello to all my busy mamas. Today we're talking about real life tools that you can use to take some of the pressure off, how to stop carrying the emotional weight of the entire household, and why healing yourself can actually help your kids thrive. So if you've ever caught yourself comparing your messy to someone else's Instagram highlight reel, or you're craving an honest conversation about what balance actually looks like, this episode is going to feel like a deep exhale. So stick around. This is one of those conversations. That's equal parts, real talk and real help. Let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hey, hey, I'm Dr Angela Downey and this is Paging Dr Mom, the podcast for women who are juggling careers, kids, chaos and cold cups of coffee. We're talking about the real life behind the resumes, the messy moments, big feelings and how to stay human when you're doing all the things. If you've ever felt like the only one trying to keep it together, you're not. We're going to laugh, cry, vent and thrive together. So here we go. Hello ladies, I'm Dr Angela Downey and I'm so glad that you're hanging out with me on Paging Dr Mom. This podcast is for all of us who are just trying to keep it all together while juggling kids, careers and whatever else that life throws our way.
Speaker 1:My guest today is Angie Weber. She's the owner of the Parent Toolbox, developer of the Calm Approach to Parenting, creator of the Calm Family Planner and host of the podcast Mom Essentials. She's on a mission to help break generational parenting cycles. Angie helps parents build their own toolboxes with new strategies and approaches to bring more communication, connection and calm into our homes. Hi, angie, it's so great to have you on Paging Dr Mom today. How are you?
Speaker 2:I'm great. Thank you so much for having me, Angela.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. I've been looking forward to having you on this show. Your story is one that so many of us can see ourselves in. We're juggling career goals, motherhood and that constant pressure to do it all. What I love is that you don't pretend to have it all figured out. You're real and vulnerable and passionate about helping other parents let go of the guilt and create a calmer, more connected home. I can't wait to hear all the insights that you have to share with us, so maybe we can start by maybe tell me a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so thank you for that intro. I'm really excited to share some of the strategies and tools that I help other parents with and you're right, I don't have it all figured out. I like to say everyone has messy, and messy just looks different in every home, and so hopefully that gives a sigh of relief to your listeners that it's okay to have messy in your life, because everyone does. Besides owning the parent toolbox and being a parent coach, I am a mom of twins. They are going to be 11 pretty soon, which is wild to think about. I live in Minnesota with my husband. We'll have been married very shortly after this, about 13 years, I think, if I'm doing the math correctly. We just got chickens. We have six chickens, chickens, three cats and a dog, and it's just a wild time over here. That is a full, full household chicken chickens and all chickens and all yeah.
Speaker 2:So I usually have one crazy idea after the other and we just kind of run with it.
Speaker 1:So no, I love that. You're living your best life. If that involves chickens, then that's awesome, yeah, so let's talk a little bit about your story, because it's one that a lot of moms can relate to. You've talked about how your early years of motherhood were wrapped up in your career until you had a big shift during the holidays one time with your twins, so can you take us back to that moment and what changed for you about motherhood and how you wanted to show up in motherhood and career and whatnot?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I always knew I wanted to be a mom and for some reason I had it set in my mind that I was going to have my first kid at 26, because that's when my mom had me and I was just like that seems like a good age. And so, after my husband and I had gotten married, about a year and a half into it, we decided to start trying and nothing was really working and it was, you know, depressing, month after month. So we said, you know what, let's just forget it, we're not gonna. We're not gonna try anymore, we're gonna enjoy the summer coming up, we're gonna just just focus on our careers.
Speaker 2:Because at that time I was working in a marketing company. I was kind of the right hand woman, the implementer, the sidekick, and I thought, well, this just gives me a lot more time to focus on my career. That I felt so indebted to for some reason. And so I was, you know, had kind of this side relief Okay, we don't have to push it and we don't have to keep trying. And then, four days after my 26th birthday, I found out I was pregnant.
Speaker 1:Amazing. A couple of weeks after that.
Speaker 2:It was a very bittersweet day because I thought something had gone wrong with my pregnancy, but by the end of our ER visit we found out it was twins. So if you believe in a higher power or anything like that, I feel like they have a very good sense of humor, because that was not expected. So fast forward to me having my children. I really I loved my kids. I was excited, I will say, and if maybe some of your listeners have had this experience too, I carried a lot of guilt with me, not about my birthing experience, I loved my birthing experience. I was able to do the Bradley method. It was unmedicated. I carried a lot of guilt with me, not about my birthing experience. I loved my birthing experience. I was able to do the Bradley method. It was unmedicated. I had a great doctor. I was able to deliver both of my children, you know, naturally. And I didn't have that movie magic moment where my son came out and I was like, oh my gosh, I love you so much, I can't imagine anything else in this world. Like, of course I loved him, but I felt like I didn't have that expected reaction and probably because I did also lose a lot of blood during my birth. I was a little out of it, but I remember carrying that with me for many years of not wanting to say it because I thought it made me look like a bad mom, until I finally shared it with someone and she said no, there's so many moms who feel that way, we just don't talk about it. And so that was definitely some guilt that I was carrying on early on During my maternity leave. I was, you know, I was there physically with my kids, but mentally I was constantly worrying about work, thinking what's going on with that client. I wonder how that campaign went, checking in with the other people in the office like, hey, how's everything going? How are sales this month? And I feel like I really robbed myself of that time with my kids because I was so focused on one area instead of really soaking up every.
Speaker 2:You know that time that I had with my children ended up going back to work a little bit sooner than I anticipated and was, yeah, trying to find this balance between it. All right, like that's what we're all searching for. And I was actually at an event one time and a lady came up to me and she goes hey, you're back to work. You're a new mom, how is everything going? And I said, well, I'm just trying to find the balance in all of it. And she goes good luck. There is no such thing. And I was like what? That is not the answer that I wanted. That's not encouraging to me right now as a new mom of twins, and so I thought, no, I'm going to prove her wrong. I'm going to find this balance.
Speaker 2:And if your listeners are trying to search for that and they keep feeling like they're almost there and then something happens, I would love to share this perspective that I saw a speaker talk about, that when we see a tightrope walker go across, they don't just have their arms out the whole time, just straight. They ebb and they flow depending on which part they're at. And that's exactly what balance is is we have to ebb and we have to flow, and we have to give ourselves to different parts of our lives that need it most during the different seasons, so we can make it to the other side. So, instead of it being this, you know end goal, that if you just figure it out, it'll be smooth for the rest of your life. We all know that that doesn't happen. Instead, we have to be fluid and flexible with it, and that was really helpful as a mom.
Speaker 2:So, fast forward to my kids being three years old, we were all working from home. The week between Christmas and New Year's, and that was before. Working from home was cool. So this is like a little out of the norm and I was terrified because I was thinking I haven't spent this much one-on-one time with my kids since my maternity leave, and what am I going to do with these three-year-old toddlers that are not going to just want to sit over in the corner while I do emails? But that week completely changed my life. We went and we did so many fun things. I realized just how amazing my kids were, felt like I fell in love with them on a deeper level and I was like they're so funny and they're cool and I helped create them.
Speaker 2:And what have I been doing? By giving so much of my energy and time to a career that was honestly becoming toxic in my situation and really not putting enough, not ebbing enough into my family life, and so, long story short, in my story, I ended up leaving my career. I always say this is not a go quitquit-your-job promotion, though, because I don't want to get any nasty emails from bosses on a Monday morning but in my experience, that was the next best step for me. That really changed the course of what I do now and who I am.
Speaker 1:Noah, I'm glad that you figured out what was best for you. Do you think it's possible to still have that same connection with your kids if you're working full time and a lot of? I loved working. I didn't do well on mat leave either. I, you know, had this beautiful baby that I loved so much. But, yeah, my mind was always pulled back to work as well. I loved being amongst adults and having adult conversations, doing adult type things, but I also really liked having my child there. So is it possible to have that same connection with your kids, even though your mind might be elsewhere sometimes or you're working full time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. And when I quit my job I actually had kind of gotten another side gig that had turned unexpectedly into a business, so I was able to focus my passion to a different area. I think it's definitely possible to do both, Of course. I mean, as moms, we have the capability to do so many things. I think kind of something we talked about prior to starting the recording is the importance of boundaries.
Speaker 2:For a long time, especially early on in my career in marketing, I had this belief and this value that I actually carried with me through childhood that I thought, if I just add more value for other people, if I do more things for people, if I show up more for them and sacrifice myself, well then I'm more things for people. If I show up more for them and sacrifice myself, well then I'm going to be seen as valuable and then, in turn, I will be loved by other people. So I was constantly giving more of myself than I should have, and so in order, in my opinion, to be successful in the different areas of your life, we just need to make sure that we have those really good boundaries set in place so that we're protecting ourselves while being fluid with them. So we're not, you know, going from one extreme to the next.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, absolutely that's. That's interesting that you say that you know you're always giving to other people, because I think in my previous relationships I felt that my worth in the relationship came from the things that I could do for that person. And you know, as long as I did all these things for that person, they would never leave or they would love me more. So it was difficult to set boundaries with people because I saw that as me rejecting them. So, yeah, it's interesting that you bring that up. But can we go back to finding balance? Because balance isn't like a one and done kind of thing. There's a lot of pressure on people to get it right all the time. So how do you define balance now, and what advice would you give to a professional mom who feels like she's constantly failing at trying to get this perfect balance?
Speaker 2:Yeah, again, there's never going to be a perfect balance and it's going to be changing through the different seasons of your life. So that's super important to remember. And, honestly, I actually try to stay away from the word balance a little bit now, and someone else that I talked to presented it as like the harmony of a song Sometimes the drums are going to take over, and sometimes the guitar is going to take over, and sometimes the vocals are going to take over. And so just reminding ourselves that it's okay again, that if things are changing and ebbing and flowing and of course that's where boundaries come in as well right, because in order to feel that balance or that harmony, we need to make sure that we're setting up those boundaries so that we're not depleting, because there's the saying you can't pour from an empty cup, and I know we've all heard that and it's a little overused, but it is completely true. And not only do we need to make sure that we're setting boundaries for ourselves so that we can feel better about that balance or harmony that we're trying to find, but also, with our kids, we're modeling that for them so that they can understand the importance of all of these things too. So I like to say they can start building their mini toolboxes that'll, you know, stay with them throughout their lives.
Speaker 2:So if a mom listening is trying to, you know, hey, I've been trying all these things and I've been making all the to-do lists and I've been, you know, trying to do X, y and Z that other people say. Really, my first thing that I would tell them is go back and figure out, like, what is most important to you, like what are your core values for yourself and for your family, and what in your life are aligning with them and what in your life is not aligning with them. Because sometimes we do have to let go of stuff Again. Maybe it'll come back in the future, but maybe in this season of life we have to let go of something, maybe that we're committed to, or it's those extra, you know, weekends, you know, with our friends constantly wanting to go out, or whatever it is. Make sure that you're really aligned with what your core values are, so you make sure that you are running your life around those, versus just trying to catch up to your life because it just feels chaotic everywhere you turn.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and as parents, we're constantly juggling a bunch of balls, and some of those balls, you know, are made of glass and some are made of rubber, and so sometimes you need to work harder to keep those glass balls in the air and sometimes it's OK to let those other balls drop. So balance is never this 50-50 thing right. There's always going to be different parts of your life that are needing a little bit more attention and it's okay to go go into like these little different directions and then to keep coming back to what your core values and beliefs are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, for sure, and it can be challenging. Again. It's gonna maybe be a little messy, especially if you know, like you kind of mentioned, like I could see in past relationships, that I was constantly, you know, giving myself. And once you start putting up those boundaries, it doesn't mean everyone's going to be okay with it, because we have, you know it always. What is the quote that says? We teach people how to treat us and so if we've been allowing this type of behavior for a long time maybe it's even in a work setting where you know we're constantly filling in for other people or doing you know, 18 different jobs and we just want to focus on our one If we've been OK with that, when we put a boundary in, it doesn't mean someone's going to be like that's great, good for you, you put a boundary, I love it. No, they're going to be like whoa, wait a minute.
Speaker 1:This is not what I'm used to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is different. Now I have to learn something else, so I do. You know that's something to be prepared for as well. But I do remember my husband would constantly call me super mom, which I know was coming from a very sweet place and I finally had to tell him I need you to stop telling me that and calling me that, because I feel like if I drop one of those balls, I'm an utter failure and I was putting too much pressure on myself because of external and internal messages I was giving myself that it was just too much. I'm like you can tell me that I'm a great mom or that I'm a good wife, whatever you want, but I was like please don't call me super mom anymore, because it just put way too much pressure on me.
Speaker 1:You're only you're human. We all are just humans. So when we have that expectation of ourselves that we need to be more than that, that is a lot of pressure. So one of the big stressors for working moms is the mental load that we carry. You know, we're constantly thinking about who needs dentist appointments, what is little Johnny going to be for Halloween, and you start thinking about these months ahead of time. It's this invisible checklist that never stops running in our minds and you teach parents how to reduce that load and to share it across the whole family. So what are some simple, practical ways that moms can start shifting that emotional and organizational burden so that they're not carrying it alone?
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, in my parent coaching practice I developed the calm approach to parenting, and so every letter stands for a different foundational piece and the C stands for compassionate communication. In this kind of section and these strategies, it's not just about learning to communicate but also being able to connect better with our family. But communication is typically where we want to start, especially if we feel like maybe our voice isn't being heard in our own family and we're carrying so much of that mental load. So I'm sure some of your listeners are probably. You know you and I remember the telephone game in elementary school where it'd start out at one end and end at the other and everyone would laugh because it was like so miscombobulated and it was super funny. Fun for elementary school. Not so great when it happens inside our own homes. And so even though sometimes we can feel like we are communicating and we are saying this is exactly what I need, it doesn't mean the other person or the people in our family that we're talking to are hearing it that correct way. So making sure first that whatever we are trying to communicate is getting received by the other person and there's no miscommunication, and so you can use strategies like mirror to make sure that we understand what the other person or people are saying. Oh, I heard that you need help coming up with ideas for meal plans, for example, instead of you know a mom saying like I'm so stressed out about meal planning and then their partner is like, okay, we'll get pizza. We need to make sure that we are communicating clearly what we need.
Speaker 2:And then the other thing that I'm very passionate about is family meetings. So just taking 15 minutes a week out of your schedule where your family shuts off all the distractions. So this isn't something digital, it's not an app. I know there's a lot out there, but actually sitting down together and writing in a planner what is going on that week, for example, you know what are the big things that are happening. So that way because, again, as a mom, we're usually the activities director, the meal planner, the chef as a mom, we're usually the activities director, the meal planner, the chef, the shopper, the cook, the you know taxi driver, the taskmaster, all of these things. And really what we should be teaching our children too in a household is that we can all share these responsibilities. And so in my planner, what families will walk through is conversation questions.
Speaker 2:At the beginning. There's a new one every single week to instill better connection, just to open up that dialogue with our families. There's a looking ahead, as I mentioned. These are the big things that are happening, so we can kind of take a glance at our week and say, wow, we have a lot of stuff going out or going on and this does not feel balanced at all for me. Well then we know we need to say no to some things or we need to rearrange a few things. Then we look at financial literacy because again, that can be a huge stressor for parents as well. The financial part, and I'm not saying that parents have to sit down with their kids and say this is how much we owe on insurance this week and this is how much you know the car payment is. But it is important for families to really communicate about that and then also talk to children about financial literacy so they can develop those skills at a younger age, so they're not going into adulthood being like, oh wait, I have to pay taxes, like what is this? What does this mean? So we can start that conversation early.
Speaker 2:Then the meal planning and shopping list. I don't know about you, but there are many times that my kids will say chicken again, and I was like I'm out of ideas, I don't know what to do. Instead, everyone is encouraged to give a meal plan, and then that shopping list can be for ingredients or those household things around the home. Because, again, there are many times that my kids, would you know, be running out the door and be like mom, we're out of toothpaste. And I would be distracted and be like, yeah, okay. And then later that night I'd say, hey, go brush your teeth. They're like well, we don't have any toothpaste. You were supposed to get that for us, right. And then the last part is teamwork makes the dream work.
Speaker 2:So, talking about those household responsibilities, those chores I like to try stay away from the word chores only because, if we're being honest, no one loves chores, I don't like doing chores, it's a bad word, yeah, yeah. And so talking about you know those responsibility, and saying what the task is, and then who it's. Who's responsible, whether it's the entire family, so like we have a lot of folding laundry parties in our home or if it's, you know, a specific task for each person of the family. And this way, again, it gives us a chance to breathe, it gives us a chance to let everyone be on the same page of what is happening, instead of us just trying to hold onto it all of the time. And we're already at such high capacity anyways as adults that we can't really take much more in, and that's when we get overloaded and maybe we're snapping on our kids more. Or to our partner. You know we're saying rude things and it's just it's coming out wrong, but we just don't know how to say it differently.
Speaker 2:So that's definitely one way and the other piece of advice and again, I know this is talked about so much, but it is that self-care piece and I think self-care care piece and I think self-care people think it has to be a big deal and it doesn't. It can be a simple walk, like if you start tuning into your body, which I work with parents on during the learning emotional regulation piece of my calm approach, which is the L, when we start learning, when these stressors are starting to have an impact on our body. By tuning into it we can then pivot better so that we can use healthy, safe coping skills and we can do some of that self-care, whether it's just drinking a cup of coffee alone for five minutes or going on a walk for 10 down the street. Those little shifts and self-care can make a huge difference on our mental capacity as well on our stress levels.
Speaker 1:For sure I'm looking behind you. Is that the family planner that you're talking about?
Speaker 2:It is the family planner For anybody who's watching this on YouTube.
Speaker 1:She's got this great book behind her. It looks like a family planner. Maybe you can kind of show us what it looks like. So you've, got like a weekly meeting, like a guided weekly meeting for people to follow. It follow.
Speaker 2:Yes, in the beginning it goes through some of those core values establishing core values as a family, talking about boundaries and expectations and consequences, because those are important as well. Establishing, you know, family responsibilities and then family goals. And then it walks you through 52 weeks of undated family meetings and that's kind of an overview of what it looks like.
Speaker 2:And then for more type A people who need to see their block schedule, there's also a weekly calendar, plus some bonuses in the back, plus there's a different family challenge every week to create better connection. But I do want to say, as I mentioned, it is undated because, again, we all have messy Starts anytime and we might skip a week or two because we have a lot of stuff going on, and that's okay. I always tell my parents and people I talk to it is not about perfection, it's about empowerment.
Speaker 1:Fantastic. We definitely have a lot of probably have a lot of type A personalities listening to this, A lot of perfectionists, and I know I was a perfectionist parent. I often had the mentality that I had to do it myself if I wanted it to get done well, and unfortunately, that just left me doing absolutely everything. But in truth, there's multiple different ways to get things done and as long as they're getting it done. So it left me doing everything by myself and instead of taking the time to teach other people you know how to do that that particular task, and taking the time to train them and being okay if they make the occasional mistake or if they don't make the bed as well as you did, you end up carrying all this stuff all by yourself, and that's a lot of work.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I remember my one of my first business coaches I was. I was saying because I was managing the team at the marketing company and I think I was saying like hey, I'm really like stressed out, I'm overloaded, I feel like I'm constantly doing everything and in my mind again, because that value that I held on to, that I had to continuously add value. I thought of me taking stuff off their plate or just doing it myself was was a way of helping them out. And finally, my business coach was like like you're a control freak. And I was like, okay, and she's like you're actually hindering their success because you're not allowing them to learn. And to you know, make mistakes.
Speaker 2:And, as in family too, we can feel like that Like it's so much easier. If your kids are like let me do the dishes with you, mom, you're like no, no, no, no, no, I'll just do it myself. Or if they're going to vacuum, we're like, oh, they missed like eight spots, now I have to go over and do it again. Well, they're never going to learn how to do that unless we start teaching them. And no again, like you said, it's not going to be perfect, but we all have to start somewhere and you know we're not born knowing how to mow the lawn or, to you know, mop a floor.
Speaker 2:We need to teach those skills to our children because they just haven't developed yet and know that you might have to go back over a few spots, you know, but eventually they'll understand and they'll get it down so that you can take that off of your plate and don't feel guilty if you're having your children do stuff around the house. I remember my mom this was a couple years ago and I think my son told her well, I had to go down in the laundry room and I had to get some socks or something out of the dryer. And my mom was like I never made you go downstairs to get clothes out of the dryer and I was like maybe you should have. Yeah, the worst that I do as a mom. I think I'm doing okay by making my kids understand how to do you know laundry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my children. So I was a medical student with two kids, so my kids learned to make their lunches when they were relatively young, completely supervised. But by you know, grade six or seven they were pretty independent. They knew how to make their own lunches. I had taught them how to make, you know, do their own laundry.
Speaker 1:And they learned pretty quick that you need to take the socks and you know how you take off socks and they're telescoping and if you throw them in the washer and the dryer they stay in these like cold, like wet bundles.
Speaker 1:So they learned pretty quick that you know socks should be pulled out and you need to take that Kleenex out of your pocket.
Speaker 1:And I think those were skills that they wouldn't have learned for a really long time and I would have been the one sifting through the laundry pulling their socks, pulling their socks apart and taking the Kleenexes out of their their pockets. So I was really glad that my kids learned to do this young and they had a whole new appreciation for how much time it takes they're contributing to the family, to the household, and that's just a little bit less time that they're playing video games and things that necessarily aren't good for them. But it took a lot to see myself as not being failing because I was making my kids do their laundry or making them do their lunches right. It is something that I always saw as like a mother's job. My mom always did that for me. I didn't learn to do laundry for a really long time, so it took a lot for me to realize I'm not failing just because I'm getting my kids to do all these chores.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think that's a great outlook on it and, again, like modeling that for our children at a young age, so that when they, you know, if they have their own family, even if it's just you know a significant other, when they, when they grow up, they understand like, hey, we're in this as a team.
Speaker 2:It doesn't mean that it only has to be on the mom's part, for example, or the mom's role, like we can really come together. And so how beautiful is that if our children are learning the value of teamwork and household and how everyone is responsible and everyone has, you know, duties to do there to make sure that it runs smooth, versus your children growing up and feeling all of this pressure and this guilt and the shame that you're feeling right now because they are under the impression that everything has to land on their plate. So one of my taglines is you know, change the conversations, change generations, and I think if we can start modeling some really amazing things for our kids, it's just going to help them later on in life too, so that they don't have to, you know, upgrade their toolbox as much when they get older.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so in when we were speaking earlier, you mentioned hitting a breaking point and going through some outpatient treatment in 2020. Is that something you feel comfortable talking about with?
Speaker 2:your audience. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that kind of mental health journey isn't talked a lot about in motherhood. I know myself. I went through postpartum depression After I had my first child. I would go a week without brushing my teeth or getting out of my pajamas. It was really challenging for me. So what are a few of the tools or insights from that time that you have that were a real game changer for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely yeah. So before the pandemic actually had like taken the world by storm, I went through some trauma, and I've always been an advocate for mental health, so I was always the one of like. If you need help, like I will help you find it. I think it's great if you're getting help. Once it happened to me, I felt like a fish out of water. I was like, whoa, wait a minute, what do I do? And so I was going through traditional therapy, things like that, for about a year or so, but I could.
Speaker 2:I finally had this realization one day. I was like something isn't right in here. I thought I had a lot of depression. Turns out it was more anxiety. I just was mislabeling it because of the the, all the social media and the buzzwords, and so that was very interesting to me. But I felt like something wasn't right and you know, even though I did want to crawl in bed most days, I wanted to put the covers over my head Again.
Speaker 2:As a mom, I was like, well, I have these two young kids that I need to take care of, and that's not really an option. So I finally realized like I needed to do something different. I needed something internally to change and so through the encouragement of a friend which I don't think a lot of people know that this type of support is out there and so that's why I share this she encouraged me to look in an outpatient intensive treatment for anxiety, depression and PTSD Again. I had never heard about that, I didn't know that was an option, and I'm so glad that she pushed me to do that. And it's funny because when I, when I share this story, when I started sharing the story one-on-one with people about my treatment, I had a lot of people say, oh, can you tell me more? I think I have a friend who would be interested in that. And then later on in the conversation or days later, they'd message me and be like I'm the friend, I'm the one who needed that.
Speaker 2:And so, again, it was just it really opened up that platform to allow moms to know, like where you're not alone and you deserve support and you deserve to heal if you're going through something, so that you can be the best version for yourself and for your family. And so I was in this intensive outpatient treatment for about four months and it was really scary at first. Again, I had to weed through a lot of those values that I was thinking of. I was constantly telling myself, like who are you to be in here? Like, like how dare you take up a spot in this program? Like there are people out there who have been through so much worse than you. Like news alert. Like there there's no Olympics for traumas. Like there's no one getting a gold medal for you know, everyone has trauma and it looks different for everyone. But I kept showing up and I kept doing the work and it literally changed the course of my life as well, because I was learning, like I kind of mentioned before, how we could start tuning into our body and we could really understand when these different emotions are coming up, because so often we feel like we go from zero to 60 and then we might be thinking like whoa, how did I get so angry? Or how did I get so overwhelmed all of a sudden? I was just fine a little bit ago. And so there's five areas that I teach parents to start checking in with.
Speaker 2:And again, this takes practice. It's not going to be perfect. It might feel really messy and awkward at first, but you can start looking at your body sensations. So where is this coming up in my body? Maybe my shoulders are getting tight or my stomach is fluttering. Body movements how active is your body? Do I feel like I need to fidget my leg or I need to? You know, talk with my hands a lot. I do that anyway. So I'm in a great emotional space right now talking to you, but it's just, you know, trait of mine. Or does your body feel really heavy, like it feels like you couldn't move, even if you tried? Then you're going to think about the thoughts that you're having. What type of thoughts? The negative self-talk Are they a lot of? You know worrisome thoughts? And also, how fast are they coming in? So, are they coming in so fast that you can't even comprehend one because they're like flying by, or is it that you can't even really process the whole thought before you kind of get distracted into something else.
Speaker 2:And then the last thing is emotion. Sorry, there's two more things. Emotions, so really trying to figure out what emotions are coming up right now. Sometimes emotions can mask each other so we could say like, well, I'm just really, you know, sad right now, but is there something deeper underneath it? Is it that you're actually feeling embarrassed or you're feeling envious of something? And then the last thing is that five senses. So are there any of your senses that are heightened or dulled in that time? So I know I gave kind of a long explanation. It doesn't really have to take that long once you have the five things in your mind. But the better that we can start really understanding when these different emotions are coming up by looking at those five areas, the better we can then resort to healthy, safe coping skills so that we can take away from going to some of the extremes and we can get back to what I like to call our sweet spot of emotions.
Speaker 2:And so that was something that was honestly like really mind blowing to me when I went through this program, because I started understanding like, okay, not only do I know when I'm getting anxious or stressed like I started feeling it in, like the different parts of my body, but I could also tell because I was moving my legs up and down a ton. It also helped me communicate those situations better. So for my husband, for example, we were in the car one night and something had happened, it had triggered me and I started kind of like tearing up in the car and of course he looks over at me and he's like whoa, what happened? Like you were fine, like what's going on. Typically that might escalate into more of an argument, because I would have been like I don't know, just, I need some space. And then he'd start with you know well, tell me what's wrong, how can I help? And then it would just continue to build on top of each other and instead, understanding what was going on in my body, I was able to say I'm not sure. Right now I'm having a really hard time processing my thoughts. I need a few minutes before I respond, you know.
Speaker 2:So it can change the way that we communicate or the way that we communicate to our kids, and of course I don't expect parents to, if their kids are having big emotions, to sit down and say all right, johnny, can you tell me your body sensations right now, right, but we can use them as leading questions of like hey, johnny, can you point to where this is showing up in your body or where do you feel this?
Speaker 2:Does it feel like you have butterflies in your tummy? So we can start understanding better to our children's emotions so that we can better empathize and communicate with them as well. So that was probably one of the biggest thing. And then this idea of these safe and healthy coping skills versus survival skills. A lot of us have, everyone has coping skills. I don't think there's enough education around that. Some of them are survival, where they're numbing out and helping us escape, versus those safe coping skills that we want to pass on to our kids, that are going to help them express and really kind of ride that wave of emotions versus shoving it down and hoping it goes away, which it never really does. It never really does.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it shows up eventually. Yeah, I think it's really important and I thank you for sharing your story, and I think it's really important that we talk about some of the times when, mentally, we weren't doing very well, because it just gives permission to other people to tell their story and other people realize that they're not alone in this, because all we're really seeing are all these curated posts on Instagram and Facebook and all that social media. So we're seeing these perfect lives, but really everything you know messy. We're messy, our lives are messy. So and you mentioned that, everybody has messiness, it just looks different for each person. So how do you coach parents to stop comparing themselves to these picture perfect Instagram moms and start owning their own vision of success?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, you hit it right on the head. I mean we see these things on social media, that these reels and these highlight reels of all these perfect moments that people have, and we need to again remember that Jan, down the street has just as much messy, even if she has the perfect family photo where they're having all of these matching outfits together. So it's just that reminder and that reality that we can't look at something and just take it for what it is, because there are so many influencers and creators on apps that you know rent out a whole different house that they don't even live in to do these videos, and so we cannot be consumed by comparing ourselves to other people. We need to again go back to our core values and our core as a family to make sure that we are doing our best to align with them, and I think it's so important to teach our kids, especially in this day of age, that we cannot believe everything that we see on the internet, especially with AI right now. We really need to be educating our kids and asking them questions.
Speaker 2:If they see something like so do you think that's real? Why? Or why not Like what do you think of that? And so that we can then start training ourselves a little bit more to understand, like, oh, I need to remember, they probably, you know, were chasing around the house and you know there might have been a little bit of yelling before they went out to that picnic that they took the beautiful picture at, but again, kind of staying in our own lane too, and just, you know, this is our family and this is how we want to operate and how we want our schedule to look like, and we can't, you know, be consumed by all the highlight reels, because most of them aren't real anyways.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and you mentioned, you know that that fight that you probably had on the way to the picnic or whatnot. And then you show up at the picnic and everyone's happy and everyone looks great. Or that family photo that goes on Instagram. You probably have to take a hundred photos to get that one perfect photo, but that's, that's what goes out to the world. And then somebody is reading that, going, looking at that picture, going why can't I get my family to be like that? But it just. It takes a lot of work to put up these curated posts and it puts a lot of pressure on people to maintain a certain standard. That's just not realistic.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and if we continuously, you know again an old saying of keeping up with the Joneses, it's just, it's not possible and we shouldn't be trying to be like every other family, because every family is so unique and different and every child is unique and different, and that's why I always tell families, like through my calm approach we have to curate your toolbox based on your family goals, needs and wants, because it's going to be different than the person across the street and the person on the other side of you.
Speaker 2:And so, just, I think, I think, luckily in in our society, it is becoming more apparent that you know, people are really spending a lot of time on these perfect images and you know there's so many documentaries coming out of the behind the scenes of what these perfect families look like, who you know decide to become these big influencers, and it's not always as it's as it seems.
Speaker 2:But you know, being present in the moment and not getting caught up on again trying to keep up with the Joneses is so important, not for our mental health, for our self-care and also for modeling for our children. And so sometimes that means that we have to take a hard look at our relationship with technology and social media to think, ok, what am I teaching my kids? Because if they look at me and every time I'm on my phone, that's not teaching them a healthy relationship with technology. And sometimes we have to have that hard pill that we have to swallow to be like, ooh. I guess I need to make some changes too if I want to feel less stressed and feel more of that balance in my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's great advice. So what would you say to the mom who feels like she's barely holding it together right now?
Speaker 2:You are doing so much better than you think and there's support out there for you, depending on what you're looking for. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay not to be super mom and have everything figured out and put together. I know that there is the saying of go out there and find your village. What I like to say instead is go find your elephants, because elephants when a mama is giving birth, the other elephants will surround her, they will kick up dust, they will protect her in her most vulnerable spot and time and when the baby is born, they celebrate and they use their trunks for about 10 minutes to kind of have this announcement of this big event that is happening.
Speaker 2:And sometimes you are gonna be that elephant in the middle and sometimes you're gonna be the elephant on the outside protecting other people, and so it's really important to find those people, and they might look different than what you think. It might not be the PTA meeting. Moms that you thought that you were. You know, close to. You need to find those people that you can be real raw and vulnerable with, because you're not going to be able to have those really great connections and those relationships by hiding behind the perfect Instagram photo or you know, the perfect TikTok reel of your family on vacation, which we all know. What happens when we go on vacation with kids? It never goes as planned. No, so there are definitely those stressful moments. I call it reality versus expectation for parenting. So, again, find those elephants and get the support that you need, because you are worth it and you deserve it.
Speaker 1:Well, I hope we all find our elephants out there one day and keep those people close. So I've got three rapid fire questions for you. Okay, you ready. So what is your go-to dinner when life is chaotic? Ooh, smash burgers. Ooh, I don't even know what that is. I'm going to have to look that up. Yes, okay, is it just like a sm? Look that up. Yes, okay, is it just like a smushed up burger?
Speaker 2:Yeah, on the black stones. Okay, you do like onions and cheese and you smash it all down and it's delicious.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to try that one out. So what's one thing that always makes you feel like yourself again? Oh, going on walks. Yeah, that's a good one. Oh, going on walks, yeah, that's a good one. Being out in nature and some fresh air. What's one lie that we tell moms? That you want to rewrite, that you have to have everything figured out. Yeah, yeah, I think we addressed that in the podcast. I love that, and then we really should be doing that all the time.
Speaker 2:So where can listeners find you, Angie the time? So where can listeners find you, Angie? Yeah, they can go to theparenttoolboxinfo to connect with me and to find out about the different things that I've got going on, or they can find me on Instagram and Facebook at the Parent Toolbox.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to put all those links in the show notes. Do you have a resource that you'd like to share?
Speaker 2:Yeah, if anyone is interested in getting the Calm Family Planner to help again spread that mental load and feel more communication and connection and calm in your home, they can check that out on my website as well. And for your listeners I do have a code that they can get 10% off by using DRPODCAST all caps.
Speaker 1:Amazing. I really like the look of that day planner. I think it would be really good to get the whole family involved in getting your weekly chores, responsibilities nailed down and get all that sorted out. So, angie, thank you so much for being here today and for sharing your story with such honesty and lots of heart. Your journey from being a high achieving career mom to someone who's reshaped, parenting with more compassion, calm and connection is such a gift to hear, and I know many listeners are going to walk away feeling less alone and more empowered to do things differently at home, without all the guilt. So thank you for the work that you do and for reminding us that we don't have to be perfect to be amazing parents. And thank you to all of you who are hanging out with us on Paging Dr Mom.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed today's episode, go ahead and hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss what's coming up next. And if you want to keep the conversation going, you can find me over on Instagram at drangeladowney. I'd love to hear from you. That is it for today's episode of Paging Dr Mom. If it made you smile, nod along or feel just a little more seen, then go ahead and hit that follow button and share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Take care for now. You're doing better than you think.