Paging Dr. Mom
I was a medical student with two kids, trying to keep it all together. I constantly felt like I had to defend my decision to chase a meaningful career and raise a family at the same time. But professional women with children shouldn’t have to choose between ambition and motherhood.
Paging Dr. Mom is a podcast for the women doing it all and wondering if it’s ever enough. If you’ve ever felt the pressure to be everything to everyone, this space is for you. I’m Dr. Angelle Downey, a family physician, single mom, and host who believes we can thrive, not just survive, through the chaos.
With real talk, expert insights, honest stories, and a few good laughs, we’ll navigate the mental load, burnout, identity shifts, guilt, and joy that come with being a high-achieving woman in a messy, beautiful life. Together, we’ll cry, connect, and grow into the strong, wise women our kids are watching us become.
Let’s build a life we don’t need to apologize for and actually love living.
Paging Dr. Mom
4: Balancing It All: Motherhood, Career, and Caregiving with Jennifer Armendariz
What happens when the caregiver needs care too? In this powerful episode, nurse practitioner Jennifer Armendariz shares her story of juggling a demanding oncology career, parenting teens, and caring for her mother with cancer. From burnout and survival mode to setting boundaries and embracing imperfection, Jennifer opens up about what it really means to be in the sandwich generation—and how she’s learning to care for herself, too.
IG@ JennLanae
Tiktok @ Jennylanae
This episode includes a paid partnership with BetterHelp. Click the link, betterhelp.com/drdowney, to get 10% off your first month.
Click below to order a copy of my 365 day journal called Enough As I Grow
🖋️ Enough as I Grow 365 day Guided Journal on Amazon
Email: drangeladowney@gmail.com
Social Media links: Here
🎵 Music: Upbeat Strings by Evan MacDonald
Hello to all my moms out there. This episode is for anyone who's ever felt like they're doing all the things all the time. Today I'm chatting with Jennifer Adamandades and let me tell you she gets it. She's a nurse practitioner, a mom of two teens, and she's also caring for her own mother, who's going through cancer treatment. So, yeah, she's right in the thick of it. We talked about what it's really like to be the default parent, to carry the mental load and to hit that point where you realize that something's got to give Jennifer shares what helped her set boundaries, make space for herself and to stop feeling guilty for not doing it all. If you're tired, stretched thin or just need a little reminder that you're not alone in this, this conversation is going to hit home for you, so let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Hey, hey, I'm Dr Angela Downey and this is Paging Dr Mom, the podcast for women who are juggling careers, kids, chaos and cold cups of coffee. We're talking about the real life behind the resumes, the messy moments, big feelings and how to stay human when you're doing all the things. If you've ever felt like the only one trying to keep it together, you're not. We're going to laugh, cry, vent and thrive together. So here we go. Hello to all my busy mamas. I'm Dr Angela Downey and I'm so glad that you're hanging out with me on Paging Dr Mom.
Speaker 1:My guest today is Jennifer Armandadas. She's a family nurse practitioner with over 20 years in healthcare. She specializes in hematology, oncology and works at the VA in El Paso, texas. Jennifer is also certified as an advanced oncology nurse practitioner and recently became certified in lifestyle medicine as well. She has two children Sophia, who's 16, and Ethan 13. She's married to Gary Admandadis and they have two dogs, millie and Margo. Hi, jennifer, it's so great to have you on Paging Dr Mom, how are you today? I am doing great. Thank you for having me. I'm really glad that we get to chat today.
Speaker 1:What really stood out to me in our conversation before was how honestly you're living the tension that so many of us feel bringing in like being the default parent, working in a high stress profession and now stepping into the role of the caregiver for your mom and for your children. So you're not just talking about these challenges, but you're living them every single day and we all face challenges that impact our daily lives, which can extend beyond work and beyond caring for kids. You know we have extended families, that we're taking care of people who you know we need to manage, our properties and neighbors to manage. So there's lots of things that come up in daily life and all those things can really add up. So, and I know that hearing your story and your mindset shifts, and even the messy parts of life, is going to be really validating for other moms who feel like they're having to carry it all. So I'm just really grateful that you're here and that you're willing to share your story with us.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 1:So can you maybe tell the audience a little bit about yourself and your journey?
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure. So I am a nurse practitioner. I live here in El Paso, texas. I have two kids my daughter is in high school, she's a junior and my son is in eighth grade and I have worked in healthcare total for about the last 20 years. I've been a nurse practitioner now for 16 years and I work in hematology oncology. That's been the basis of most of my career and most recently I now am dealing with my mom's health issues. That started back in well, actually started back in 1995, when she was first diagnosed with cancer, and then in 2020 is when we found out that it had come back, and it's just been a little bit of a whirlwind ever since then, trying to keep everything all together.
Speaker 1:You're just juggling a lot of things right now with working in oncology and raising two teenagers and caring for your mom who's also going through cancer treatment, and that's a lot of emotional labor on top of just your regular job. Are there some times that you didn't feel like you were holding it all together?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, 100%, 100%. When you know, back in 24 and 23, see, I can't even keep my dates right, but back then you know she had actually fallen and she fractured her neck. So we were dealing with all of that and you know, of course, being in the hospital and rehab and she had some complications, and during all of that time my husband was traveling weekly, weekly, so he would, he would, I remember he would come home on like Friday at midnight and then he'd have to leave Sundays like at three. So he was barely at home, right Because of his job, and so that time period started to happen when my mom fell in the hospitalization and I don't, I don't think I remember a lot of how I got through from from day to day.
Speaker 2:I really don't, I really don't think I remember a lot of how I got through from day to day. I really don't. I really don't. I don't remember a lot of stuff and I don't feel like I had it all together, but I just had to keep going through a lot of talking with my friends. I had great, great co-workers. You know my dad is amazing and you know, of course, my husband, even though he wasn't here, he all of that just kind of held it all together for me.
Speaker 1:That must have been a little traumatic for you to be having to keep that all together. And I think it's not uncommon for people to not remember some of those smaller details because some of the bigger life events are just taking up so much of your mental energy. Oh for sure.
Speaker 2:Even when, into and to this day, when I drive by the emergency room that she was you know that we took her to after she fell like I just get this weird rush of feeling like dread I guess, like I don't like it, and yeah, I feel that still, and this is already going on, you know, two years, two years later. So, yeah, it's tough.
Speaker 1:It's very tough, it's a lot. How do you know when you're starting to reach your limits and starting to get to the point where you might be burnt out?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's usually, unfortunately I become very short-tempered. You know, I don't have a lot of patience for normal everyday things. And then for me, which has always been the case, is stomach stuff. You know, my stomach hurts, I'm nauseous all the time, I don't feel well, I'm fatigued. So then I know that I'm reaching that point. And then, for sure, when all I want to do is sleep because my body is just so drained, I know that, okay, I've reached that point. I need help, I need to step back.
Speaker 1:I've reached that point Like I need help. I need to step back. You mentioned that your husband travels a lot for work. So things like all the doctor's appointments and sick days that your kids might have and school events those are all things that are going to be landing on your plate. You become that default parent, and it's something that a lot of us face. We end up doing a lot of these things alone, especially if you have a partner who's really busy as well. So how do you cope with the mental load when it feels like everything is depending on you?
Speaker 2:So the one thing that's really hard for me is learning to ask for help. That's always been very difficult for me and I realized that with my husband I do have to ask, like it may be silly, like hey, you know what, when you are in town, I need you to pick up the kids from you know the swim practice today, because I need to go take care of this for my mom Instead of me, like trying to make it all work and trying just to be superwoman, which I'm sorry but I'm just not going to happen. I'm not, because then what I've noticed for me is when I don't ask for help is when I become very resentful, and that's not good for anybody. So I need to ask for help and not feel like I'm the burden.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of us can relate to not feeling or feeling like we can ask for help. Or maybe we're just born and raised feeling like we need to do everything for ourselves. Is that kind of why you think you've been having trouble asking for help?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I guess I just I think it's also because, like many of us, I do work and have kids and I'm trying to find that so-called balance between work and home life. So I feel like I need to be, you know, there for everything and do everything, just so I can, you know, probably not feel so much of that guilt when I can't be present for everything. So that's part of my stuff that I have to work on.
Speaker 1:So you've recently become certified in lifestyle medicine? Yeah, how did that come to be?
Speaker 2:Well, where I work, I work at the VA, and here at the VA they've actually they started talking to us about lifestyle medicine and like the whole health components, which I think is a great program that we have for our veterans to encompass, like all these different modalities for health, and I've always been very passionate about health and wellness, you know, preventative health and I just thought that that would fit really nicely into things that I'm already interested in. So I decided last year, probably around this time, that I would start studying for the course, or for the exam, rather, and I was able to get certified back in December.
Speaker 1:That's a lot of work. You've been really busy. Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was a lot of work.
Speaker 1:What would you say? Are maybe some like small habits that we can implement that might help us feel a little bit more grounded in all the chaos myself.
Speaker 2:So positive, I know, positive thoughts, things like that, right, but I'm very conscientious now about the things that I say. For instance, for the longest time I've always thought, man, I'm so disorganized and you know I can't keep things straight and you know I would say all those things to myself. And now I, once, if that thought comes into my head, like I don't, I don't let it pass and I just start telling myself, no, I am organized, I am going to get this done. So those types of things I'm constantly reinforcing to myself nice things, good things. I also make it a habit for breathing and I've learned a lot about the importance of, you know, breathing and calming myself down, even taking like five deep breaths before I even get out of the car, when I get to work, or even when I get home, you know, and before I walk in the house, and I find that those things actually help me quite a bit.
Speaker 1:Can you give some examples of what I know? This sounds ridiculous, but what breathing looks like? Like I've heard of the term breath work. Is that what you're referring to?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'll do like I think this is the correct term where they talk about box breathing so I'll breathe in and I'll hold it and I'll breathe in for four, hold it for four, exhale for four and then hold for four and I just like in my head I picture a box and that's the type of breathing that I that I like to do. There's also some apps that I really like to follow that have helped me with the breathing. I really enjoy those because they're quick. It's something that can take like 30 seconds. It's not like a 15-minute meditation that I won't have time to do before I get out of the car. So those apps have been really helpful for me too.
Speaker 1:Can I ask what apps you're listening to? Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I really like Headspace and I like the Calm app as well. The Calm app even has some really great they call it well, they call it mindfulness, right, but it just gives you different little prompts and even helps you focus on even gratitude and things like that. So it takes you to different scenarios and again, that takes less than a minute and I love that I can do that right before I get out of the car and start my day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, mindfulness has become a really big practice. You hear it all over the place and it's something I've definitely started doing in my everyday practice. So, between patients and whatnot, I will do some like deep breathing exercises. I also do this exercise where I try and think of you know, I close my eyes and what are three things that I can hear and what are three things that I can feel?
Speaker 1:whether it's clothing touching my body. You know, if my eyes are open, I might see. You know, what are three things that I can see? Can I see birds in the trees? Can I see leaves blowing? So just bringing yourself to the present moment, and what are the things that you can see and hear around you, I do find that those really help ground me as well.
Speaker 2:So I love breathing between patients before you go into work or at the end of your work day, and it's interesting that you say that about you know finding things that you see, finding things that you hear, that you touch. Because you know I have anxiety and I had my first like panic attack back in. I am 21, I think, and my therapist is the one who taught me that technique that you're talking about right now. Because after that first panic attack, you know, I felt like one. I was scared that it was going to happen, like when I was at work or with my kids, like how, what was I going to do to center myself and calm myself down? Because, fortunately, you know when, when it's coming and if you haven't experienced a panic attack before, it will just take over. And now that I can recognize when those things are going to happen, finding three things that I can see, three things that I can smell, three things that I can touch, that's really what's helped me to keep from having panic attacks, to be honest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. No, it's nice to be brought back to the present moment and not worrying too far into the future or worrying about what happened in the past and just focusing on what's happening right now. When we spoke earlier, you said that it's okay for a parent to be saying no to things things like bake sales or not being able to go to your child's year-end play if you're working, or whatnot and those things are really easier said than done, because most of us we feel a lot of guilt there. So how did you get to a place where you could start saying no without feeling like you're drowning in guilt?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's still something that I work on, to be honest, because I've always been like, oh yeah, I can help, oh yeah, I can do that, oh yeah, I can do that. But when I realized, for instance, things like a bake sale and it's 11 o'clock and I need to bake like five dozen cookies at night, you know I was going to be in a bad mood the next day, I wasn't going to make the cookies, the cookies probably weren't going to turn out good, you know. And I just realized that I don't have to say yes to everything. I will say yes to the things that I can physically be present for. That I'm okay with. And then I've also learned recently that, instead of jumping to say yes right away, I tell the person let me get back to you, let me check my calendar. And I find that just by taking that time or having that statement ready, it keeps me from feeling like I have to say yes right away. And that's been a big one for me lately.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I tend to be a people pleaser and I often start saying yes before I've even processed what the person's asked me to do. And it gets really challenging because you commit to things that you don't necessarily want to be doing or you don't have the time, you don't have the energy to do. So you're right. Saying things like thank you for thinking of me, just give me a couple of days to think about that, or letting a voice, letting a phone call go straight to voicemail, or not answering a text message right away, just buys you that time to check in with yourself and figure out is this something that you really want to be doing or do you have time for this, do you have the energy for this? Because otherwise, if you end up doing too many things for people without really wanting to, you end up becoming resentful of them absolutely, and and that's also where the breathing comes in.
Speaker 2:So I will take a breath before I answer someone too. You know, because that just is kind of like my I don't want to say trigger, but it's my like I don't know what the right word is but my little sign like hey, let me think about this first. Let me think about it, instead of just jumping to yes right away. So yeah, I totally agree with you on that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've got another podcast called the Codependent Doctor and I do have a pretty recent episode on it. I called it the three second authenticity pause, where you just take that three seconds to check in with your gut and you know think about are you excited by this? Are you dreading? And you know if you're. I tend to feel it in my stomach and I get this horrible feeling in my stomach when I don't want to be doing something. But over time I've just learned to ignore my gut feelings on things and your body will tell you if this is something you're excited for. So, just giving yourself that time to check in with your gut and see how you're feeling yeah, definitely, definitely.
Speaker 2:And I always say, you know, listening to your gut, it's like a muscle, right? So the more you use it, the stronger it gets. That's what I tell my daughter all the time. So, yeah, I agree with you on that as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like most people have forgotten what their own voice looks like and sounds like. Right, You've learned to ignore how you're feeling just because you're always in such a rush to make sure that everyone around you feels comfortable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or what are they going to think of me? Or did I say that wrong? Or yeah, all the, all those things for sure.
Speaker 1:So you've spent a big chunk of your career if not all of your career helping patients and families who are like navigating cancer, and now you're on the other side of things and you're watching your own mom go through it, and that's a big shift for you. How has being a caregiver changed how you see your work?
Speaker 2:Well, I think that it definitely helps me even more when I'm taking care of my patients. I feel like I've always been a very empathetic person, particularly with my patients and everything that they, that they're navigating throughout their their journey. But I also feel that because I can speak to them in the sense that I've I'm going through that, through that as well that I understand that I'm there for them. I think that that gives them more comfort as well them. I think that that gives them more comfort as well. And, to be honest, I'm actually pretty open with my patients about my mom's health and the things that have happened in the last year and a half, and some might argue that you know, as a healthcare provider, you shouldn't be so open, but I feel that that really, really helps me in taking care of my patients and I feel that they really respect that as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think it's important for them. It builds trust as well, right, the patients. They know that you've gone through something similar and it just it automatically gives us this certain trust between the two of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and I want to always build that trust with them. You know I always do, and I have some really amazing patients that are always asking about my mom. When they come in they're praying for her and you know, I feel really blessed that those are the type of patients that I have, that's amazing.
Speaker 1:I love that they're so supportive of you. They are. How do you so? You're part of the sandwich generation now, right, where you're taking care of your children and you're taking care of your parents? How do you juggle the two and manage to work full time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, some weeks are harder than others. You know, I'm very fortunate that my dad is very healthy as well, even though both of my parents are in their 80s. They're quite strong and quite healthy, so I'm very fortunate that my dad can help out a lot as well. It's really a lot of me learning how to organize my time and figuring that stuff out ahead of time Wasn't always a good planner, but I've learned now how to be more efficient with my time scheduling her doctor's appointments, you know, taking care of all of those things. And then there are some times where, you know, I just have to say you know what, mom, I can't go to the grocery store for you today, but I will take care of it tomorrow. Or you know what? I'm going to have those groceries delivered to you. So I do those types of things Like you have to find ways to make it easier, even if it's you know, I know not everybody can have their groceries delivered and things like that, but sometimes those are the things that I have to do because I just don't have time after work to go to the store or do things like that.
Speaker 2:You know, even you know, even at the beginning of her, when the cancer came back, like back in 2020 and 21,. I wasn't able to go to every doctor's appointment so I was very grateful that the doctors would let me at least be on the phone, like on the speaker phone, listening. So those types of things I had to learn to navigate now, because things are a little bit more different and sometimes she's more scared, especially after you know we're going to get results for imaging studies. I make it a point to go to those appointments. I just have to work it in my calendar and explain to my kids, my husband and let people know ahead of time. That's the key for me, that I've learned.
Speaker 1:It's good that your dad is there as well to help. You know care for your mom, but do you find, as a health professional, people often rely on you because you do have an understanding of the medical system.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah, I do. And that can be tough, Like when, when my mom was in the hospital, you know, and you know all these different doctors were coming in and you know you had to. They wanted to know her history and it was just like repeating the whole story over and over again and everyone would look to me to to relay that information, which, which is fine, right, Like that's I get it, that's, that's my role, that's what I've been, you know, that's what I'm here for. But then there's also decisions that sometimes that are made and you worry, or I worry is that the right decision? Did I make the right call? What if something bad happens? You know, and it's on me. So those are the type of things that I worry about also, for sure, I know, you know this isn't the first family member that I've gone through a cancer diagnosis with and it can be really tough because they do the family member does want your input, which I value and I appreciate, but it's scary, it's scary.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of pressure. We often feel a pressure to be there 100% at work and then we come home and we need to be 100% there for our kids, for a mom sick. We need to be 100% there and there really is no time to decompress between all these places and all these roles that we need to fill, and these are hidden struggles that working moms face every day. So have you started to like, redefine what enough looks like for you, being enough?
Speaker 2:for others. Yeah, I feel like. I feel like, like we talked about earlier, asking for help has has been a big deal, even through like my cousins, you know they they're able to help me sometimes to pick up the kids from school. You know, when I just can't do it, and that has definitely been something that's working for me now.
Speaker 2:Taking days off Sometimes I need to take a day off from work, and it may not even be for any reason. It's just like you know what, in September I'm going to pick whatever day and I'm going to take that day off and I'm just going to have that day for me because I need that. And it's actually been through the help of my therapist too. She's made me understand that it's okay to take those days off and to plan for them. Of course, you know, for my work I have to allow. We have 45 days that we have to ask for leave, you know. So I have to ask for it in advance and that's totally fine. But just knowing that I'll have a day off coming up, like today Today's my day off because my kids went to school so just knowing that I have this day off, even just to kind of relax and maybe watch a show that I haven't watched. Those are the things that really help me too. You get to hang out with us. Yes, exactly, and I'm on a podcast. Yay, yay.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. How do you quiet that inner voice that might be telling you that you should be doing more?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my best way to do that is going to be through exercise. That's just my thing. I've always been into, you know, fitness and I enjoy, you know, spinning like on the bike and weightlifting and running and that's the thing that will always get me feeling better. For me, that's my outlet. That's my outlet.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. Sometimes, survival means letting go of things and kind of reassessing what our priorities are. What are some things that you've had to let go of?
Speaker 2:That would be housework for sure, instead of always feeling like my gosh, my house is a disaster. You know, I haven't mopped, I haven't vacuumed, I haven't done this or that. I have had to let that go. You know, and I've just realized, you know what, if people are going to come over and I have laundry on the sofa, which I do right now, or you know, I still have dishes in the sink from breakfast, you know what? That's just the way my life is, you know, and that's one of the things that's just not my priority anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not, like you know, horribly messy, but I just don't make that my priority. I do what I can when I can.
Speaker 1:Have you hired? Have you had to hire, any supports to help you?
Speaker 2:No, I haven't hired anybody yet. Again, my therapist has told me a million times to do that I haven't. When it comes to, for instance, like my kids and getting picked up from school again, I'm very fortunate. I know not everybody has that opportunity, but my dad picks up my kids from school and he usually takes them to school for me. So that's been a big relief because that was previously my mom. My mom can't do that anymore, so those types of things that in and of itself, has been a big relief for me because, honestly, I don't know what I would do right now if I didn't have that blessing from my dad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's nice to have support coming from different places and not just having to do everything by yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's impossible. It's really really impossible, at least in my circumstance. I don't think I could manage it. Something I'd have to maybe go back to I don't know work part-time. I don't know. I don't know what I would do, but at this point in time I'm very blessed that my dad can help me.
Speaker 1:I want to thank you so much for saying that you go to therapy. I think therapy is something that's so important for people. I go to therapy and I think it's also important that we normalize. You know that it's okay to talk to somebody about you know the things that are happening in our lives and just being able to get those things off our chest.
Speaker 2:You know, I think that that's so important. Also, and not too long ago I had a patient and she asked me how did she word it? She asked me what causes my anxiety or what causes me to be anxious. And at first I took a step and I was like, oh, I'm not going to share with her that I have anxiety or that I see a therapist. And then I thought, no, it was maybe like I don't know. Three seconds. I'm like, no, I am going to share this with her because she's confiding in me her anxiety and I want her to know that I will support her.
Speaker 2:And it's, like you just said, to normalize that it's okay for us to go to therapy, for us to acknowledge that, yes, I have had panic attacks, yes, I have anxiety, and it took me a really, really long time to actually acknowledge that. My husband would tell me that often and I would get very angry at first, you know, because I was just like, well, what could you possibly know about anxiety? You know, no, I don't have it. But yeah, you know, because I was just like, well, what, what could you possibly know about anxiety? You know, no, I don't have it, but yeah, you know what I do and and things have happened in my life that all our lives, that just we can't always explain it and we need somebody to be there to guide us and to walk through it with us. And I am very grateful for my therapist. I have been with her, like I said, actually since 2020. And she has walked me through some very, very difficult times. I will recommend therapy to anybody and everybody.
Speaker 1:For as long as I live, yeah, and by normalizing it, people around us, it gives them permission to talk, you know, talk about what's going on in their lives, and they now know that there's not something wrong with them just because they're needing to go talk to someone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I, you know I tell my kids when I have an appointment with my therapist. You know I've told them, you know that I go to therapy and you know, don't go into like all the specifics, but I will tell them that I've had panic attacks or I have anxiety and I think that it's important that they know that. You know that, like you said, it's okay to ask for help and I want them to know that if they feel like they're anxious, then it's okay to come in and talk to me and I will help them, or I will help them find the help that they need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I got divorced a couple of years ago and checking in with my kids on a fairly regular basis about how are they feeling was something that was really important to me and just offering, if you need to talk to somebody, if you're having trouble talking to me about it, I'm happy to help you find we can find somebody for you to talk to. And just making sure that they were okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, absolutely. You know, when my aunt passed away back in 2019 and my kids were both very close to her and you know I, it was hard for me because I was dealing with my grief. That was my mom's sister, so my mom was dealing with that and I needed to make sure that my kids were okay. And there was a time when you know we did I had them speak with a grief counselor for a few months and I think that was really really important for them because I know at that age I wasn't prepared for death and I think that my parents tried to shield it from me when I did lose a grandparent and not that, you know, I know that they were only doing what they thought was best.
Speaker 1:But I wanted to be a little. I wanted to be different for my kids and I wanted to not hide grief from them. How do you talk to your kids about?
Speaker 2:caregiving for your mom and not being able to be there for them all the time because you're having to work or to be with your mom. How do you, how do you talk to your kids about these things? I tell them. Well, again, I tell them ahead of time, you know, because their, their schedules are getting to be super busy. So I tell them ahead of time look, this is what we have going on, you know, sunday I'm gonna go help mimi that's what they call my mom, you know with her shower, or I'm going to take her to this appointment.
Speaker 2:You know, and at the beginning, when everything happened and she fell and she was in the hospital, you know, I made it very clear that it was a very critical situation that she was in. You know, she was in the ICU, she wasn't able to see them, you know. So I had to make all of those things. I didn't want to hide anything from them. Basically is what I'm trying to say. So I talk to them all the time like, hey, you know what, mimi, she can't take you to school anymore because she's in this neck collar. But you know what? I thought that's going to help you and we're going to figure it out together and I just constantly let them know every step that we're at. I let them know when she has, like, a CT scan done. I let them know when we have results, because I don't want them to be surprised in a negative way. You know when things don't turn, if things don't turn out the way that we want them to. So I try to be as open as possible with them.
Speaker 1:And your kids are a little bit older, correct they're in their early teens, yes, so at least you're able to they're able to understand a little bit of what's going on. Do you worry sometimes that potentially they might feel like they need to take care of you?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I do worry about that. I do worry about that because there were times when I've come home and I was crying and it was visible that I had been crying, and the kids right away are trying what can we do? Let me make you feel better. You know, blah, blah, blah, and I don't want them to feel like they need to take care of me. You know, like I can. Maybe that's part of me not asking for help. Still, I don't know, you know. But yeah, I do feel that they think that way. I do, particularly knowing like my husband when he travels.
Speaker 1:I was a medical student with two kids, so I had my children when I went into medical school and I used to joke around that my kids learned to forge for food at the age of, you know, at six months of age, and they survived because they raised themselves.
Speaker 1:And you know, it's a little bit, you know it was funny, but there's a little bit of truth. I do feel like my kids kind of had to, you know, not make too much noise, and by that I mean not ask me for much, because I think they recognize that I already had a lot on my plate, and so they never really seemed to rebel, ever. It was almost like they make my life easier, you know, by not coming to me with their problems, but that's, that's not what I wanted for them. And now I mentioned it and I apologized for, you know, maybe not being there as much as I would have liked to, and they just look at me like I'm crazy and they're like, no, we love the way we're brought up, but I always wonder, right, it's that guilt for not having been there the way you wanted to show up?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I agree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree with you. I mean, I always probably envision myself as being the room mother every year at school and you know, doing all those things, always volunteering at the school, and that just wasn't my situation. You know, I just I can't, I can't with my job. So, yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1:You know, I just I can't. I can't with with my job. So, yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2:How does being a busy mom and caregiver and working at the VA. How have those types of things impacted your relationship with your husband? Yeah, so that's a great question. There have definitely been a lot of stressful, stressful moments and over the years, part of it was recognizing that I do have anxiety and depression, you know. Part of it was actually recognizing that and being open to the majority of things here at home and managing stuff. Yes, but I find that by telling him this is how I'm feeling, that keeps me from getting to that point of being so, so resentful and angry. You know, communication will always, always, always be super important and I haven't always been the best communicator, so I work on that quite a bit. Those are things that I work on in therapy as well. You know different scenarios that my therapist will help me with.
Speaker 2:So I think that you know I didn't mention this, but when we were when my mom fell, we had actually my husband had accepted a promotion and we were going to be moving and we were planning to move and that was what was going to happen that literally he accepted it like two weeks before she fell and just all these things that happened with her hospitalization and going back and then the cancer, you know spreading he it's. It's such a blessing that he took it upon himself to say you know what this is not the right time for us to to go forward with this promotion and move across the country. You know he's like this. This isn't going to work. He goes. Our family needs to be together and you know I don't want your mental health to suffer your mom.
Speaker 2:He made a huge, huge compromise and I'll never forget like he came home one weekend and the decision had already been made. I didn't know that that was going to happen and just like the tears and the relief that I felt, you know, because I was scared. I was scared to leave my mom and the fact that he was able to make that decision and sacrifice that's the word I wanted the sacrifice that he made for our family. You know, like I said, this whole year and a half has been such a roller coaster of emotions and events in our family, so it's a lot to take in.
Speaker 1:Jennifer, I love quotes. Is there a particular quote that you love and that you'd like to share with us?
Speaker 2:Yes, and I actually I brought it because I have it posted on my mirror and it says I don't know who wrote it. I'm sorry I didn't look at the source, but it says I didn't know how strong I was until being strong was the only choice I had. And I have that on my bathroom mirror. See, here's my post-it note. So I look at this every morning and that's definitely something I live by.
Speaker 1:I love that. That's awesome, jennifer. Thank you so much for being here with us today and for being so open and willing to share your story and all of your insights. There's a lot of us right now that are just carrying a lot between caregiving and motherhood and work and everything else, and it's easy to feel like we're the only ones who are struggling, so hearing your experience is a really powerful reminder that we're not alone and that it's okay to have limits and to ask for help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and to let go of those guilty feelings that we have. So I really appreciate your honesty and I know a lot of listeners are going to really appreciate it as well. So thank you for that.
Speaker 2:Thank you. I'm so glad you have this podcast. You're helping tons and tons of people.
Speaker 1:Thank you, and thanks for all of you for hanging out with us today on Paging Dr Mom. If you enjoyed today's episode, then go ahead and hit the follow or subscribe button and you won't miss anything of what's coming next. And if you want to keep the conversation going, you can find me over on Instagram at drangeladowney. I'd love to hear from you. That is it for today's episode of Paging Dr Mom. If it made you smile, nod along or feel just a little more seen, then go ahead and hit that follow button and share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Take care, for now You're doing better than you think.