Paging Dr. Mom
I was a medical student with two kids, trying to keep it all together. I constantly felt like I had to defend my decision to chase a meaningful career and raise a family at the same time. But professional women with children shouldn’t have to choose between ambition and motherhood.
Paging Dr. Mom is a podcast for the women doing it all and wondering if it’s ever enough. If you’ve ever felt the pressure to be everything to everyone, this space is for you. I’m Dr. Angelle Downey, a family physician, single mom, and host who believes we can thrive, not just survive, through the chaos.
With real talk, expert insights, honest stories, and a few good laughs, we’ll navigate the mental load, burnout, identity shifts, guilt, and joy that come with being a high-achieving woman in a messy, beautiful life. Together, we’ll cry, connect, and grow into the strong, wise women our kids are watching us become.
Let’s build a life we don’t need to apologize for and actually love living.
Paging Dr. Mom
8: Finding Love as a Busy Mom: Practical Dating Advice with Lena Ehrenberg
In this enlightening conversation, Lena Ehrenberg shares her transformative journey that began in the south of France, emphasizing the importance of self-connection and personal growth in the context of dating and relationships. She discusses how women often lose themselves in relationships and the necessity of prioritizing self-care. Lena provides practical advice on finding time for oneself, navigating the dating landscape, and recognizing when one is ready to date again. She highlights the significance of transferring skills from professional success to personal relationships and encourages women to be open to new connections. The conversation also touches on the challenges of dating as a busy professional and the importance of setting boundaries. Lena offers insights on how to identify the right partner and how to help children adjust to a parent's dating life. Ultimately, she inspires listeners to shift their perspectives on love and embrace the journey of self-discovery and connection.
You can speak to Lena on Instagram @havemorelove, Facebook @havemorelove, or her website www.lenaehrenberg.com. She wants to share with you her free guide: 3 Essentials to help you meet your match!
This episode includes a paid partnership with BetterHelp. Click the link, betterhelp.com/drdowney, to get 10% off your first month.
Click below to order a copy of my 365 day journal called Enough As I Grow
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Email: drangeladowney@gmail.com
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🎵 Music: Upbeat Strings by Evan MacDonald
Dating after divorce, with kids and while juggling a demanding career, can feel nearly impossible. How do you even find the time? How do you know when you're ready and how do you avoid wasting your energy on people who just aren't right for you? In today's episode, I sit down with dating coach Lena Ehrenberg to talk about exactly that. You'll hear how to carve out time for dating even if you only have one hour a week, how to know if you're truly ready to put yourself out there again, and how to transfer the same skills that have made you successful in work and parenting into building healthy relationships. If you've ever wondered whether love is still possible in this stage of life, this conversation is going to give you both practical tools and fresh hope. Hey, hey, I'm Dr Angela Downey, and this is Paging Dr Mom, the podcast for women who are juggling careers, kids, chaos and cold cups of coffee. We're talking about the real life behind the resumes, the messy moments, big feelings and how to stay human when you're doing all the things. If you've ever felt like the only one trying to keep it together, you're not. We're going to laugh, cry, vent and thrive together. So here we go. Hello to all my busy mamas. I'm Dr Angela Downey and I'm so glad that you're hanging out with me today on Paging Dr Mom. This podcast is for all of us who are just trying to keep it all together while juggling kids, careers and whatever else that life throws our way. We are going to explore those moments that we definitely wouldn't be putting on our resumes. I'm so excited about today's conversation.
Speaker 1:Lina's evolution began when she was lost in the south of France. It was the first time in her life that she realized that she had the power to choose how her story would turn. She wanted all of her relationships to be better, starting with the one that she had with herself. She started as a general life coach, then earned her certification. Now she helps women figure out who to date, so that they can stop wasting time with men who are nice but not the forevers. So let's give a warm welcome to Lena Ehrenberg. Hi, lena, it's so great to have you on Paging Dr Mom today. How are you doing?
Speaker 2:I'm wonderful and it is such an honor for me to be here today. Thank you.
Speaker 1:I love that we finally get to meet up and have you as a guest on the show, and I'm really happy to have you here. Lina, your journey started with a turning point in the south of France, so can you share what you discovered about yourself in that moment and how it shaped the work that you do with women today?
Speaker 2:I will Thank you. I had signed up, I was coming up on a very big birthday, which is anything that ends in an O, and so I decided I wanted to do something exotic and I didn't want to be where I lived and alone on my birthday, and so I signed up for this walking tour. What I didn't realize before I got there is that I had actually chosen an itinerary that was a hiking tour and hiking through vineyards which grow on sides of mountains. I get there and I realize I'm totally unprepared, couldn't even find the beginning of the trail to get into the forest, and I spent the morning just berating myself, walking around and around and around this little village, and I finally wandered across the street and I sat down on a curb and I just burst into tears and it I was just sitting there and I thought, well, this is crazy and I made this horrible mistake, and now I've done this, and how do I even get out of here?
Speaker 2:And I had no idea what to do and I stopped and the thought came to me you can believe that this is a mess.
Speaker 2:You can believe that this is a mistake. You can berate yourself, you can keep on crying, you can sit here as long as you want and keep on crying, or you can decide that this is happening for you and that you can figure it out, and then you get to tell that story for the rest of your life. You have 10 seconds to choose go. And I say that that was the turning point for me because it was the first time in my life that I was conscious that I got to choose how to think about something, and that choice is what opens up the doors for us. We have to become conscious of it, and that was the beginning of a period of time in my life where I actively strive to be more conscious and to understand what my choices mean, and that's how I begin every interaction with a new client. We talk very much about being conscious of what she wants, where she's going, how she's going to get there and how can I help support that for her.
Speaker 1:You've said that improving all relationships starts with the one that we have with ourselves, so why is self-connection so essential before jumping back into something like dating?
Speaker 2:Well, a lot of women say that they've lost themselves in relationships.
Speaker 2:That's one of the biggest issues that women will start talking to me about when they're considering how do they change going forward. A huge issue for so many of us is I lose myself, I give myself over to this other person, or I give myself over to the relationship, and then, after months or years, a woman feels like where am I, where did I go? Who and what have I become? Where am I, where did I go? Who and what have I become? And so that's why it's so integral to really be grounded in yourself, to know your own values, to know strongly your life vision and what your goals are for yourself. Because when you do and you can date from yourself, rather than simply going out into the world of dating and see what other people are telling you you are, or you ought to be doing or doing something for them, when you really really are so grounded in yourself, it's going to be it's going to take a lot more work, honestly, for you to lose yourself in that.
Speaker 1:How did you know that you wanted to be a dating coach and when did that start? I didn't.
Speaker 2:I didn't. Originally, I had friends and we were going on this journey of self-growth and working together and helping each other out, and we would just get together and do some exercises together or talk about things that we had been going through and sharing ideas and just supporting each other. And I had a friend who kept saying you know, you're really good at this, you're really good at this. Have you ever considered this? And that was not why I was there. It was not the path that I thought that I was on.
Speaker 2:And yet, after hearing that and then having other experiences with people who were not even friends so much as acquaintances, having conversations with people or people asking me what I thought about something and getting the feedback wow, thank you. Thank you for that. You know, know, I never thought about it that way. I feel a lot better now. You gave me a totally different perspective, and that's what I think coaching is. Coaching is opening people's eyes to the truth that there is more than one perspective. But once we start thinking about something honestly and I know that this is still true for myself once I have one thought and one perspective about something, it's really difficult for me to become aware that there are other ways and other means and other perspectives. That's why it's so valuable to have different people to talk to, so that they can offer you different ideas.
Speaker 1:So a lot of my Ovidians. We're all professional moms here and we often feel guilty about taking time for ourselves, and you teach that one hour a week can change everything. So can you walk us through what that one hour could look like in practice?
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially if you're considering doing something new for yourself, if you want a relationship, if you're someone who'd like to bring in a romantic relationship into your life right now, with it being as full as it is already. I want you to really think about, if I feel that my life is so full right now that I can't even have an hour to myself every week, how will I bring in and honor another person in my life and how will I bring in and honor another person in my life and how will I bring in and honor a relationship in my life? So I want to offer to all of you to start to take even just one hour a week for yourself, and that's truly for yourself, to be with yourself and to think for yourself and about yourself. I'm not talking about taking a walk while you're listening to a podcast, not talking about you know doing something that you might be doing right now. Maybe you like to get pedicures and scroll and, you know, visit with people on social media or talk on the phone or do any of the things that we do like to do. Even I know that some of my friends, while they're cooking, they will have a podcast on or some type of learning opportunity in the background, and I just want to offer you the opportunity to spend a full hour with yourself and see how that starts to feel and see what that starts to open for you, and just get used to being and enjoying that time together and create that as your primary new relationship right now, the one that you have with yourself. And I think that once you start to really feel what that does for you, that you'll be able to open up and start to look around you and see the other people who are possibilities for you.
Speaker 2:And a really simple way for you to be opening up to other people and to the possibilities and maybe some you know, speaking to people you don't know while you're out and about, or maybe a little flirting or whatever you might want to do to open that up is, I call it, being in vacation mode.
Speaker 2:Whenever you leave your house, be curious, be as if you are somewhere on vacation in a new city that you've never seen before. And what that does for us is, first of all, being curious is such an amazing way to connect with other people. There's just pure innocence and joy in that and it stokes interest in us. But the other thing that it does is it literally gets your head up, because what we do when we go through our lives day to day and what we're used to doing is we tend to. You couldn't even see it. My voice got lower, my head got lower, my eyes got lower. We call it putting our heads down and doing the work right, and if you could consciously become aware of keeping your head up, that will change so many of your experiences without investing an extra minute.
Speaker 1:A lot of times we get so busy that we forget to look at the world around us and the things that are happening around us. I know for myself. I get tunnel vision. I have no idea what's happening on either side of me. I just I focus on what I need to be doing and there is some value in taking that time to really start paying attention to your surroundings and to keep your head up and to see what's out there and who's out there. So when it comes to dating, a lot of people are online looking for people. If someone is wanting to get back into dating when you're older and when you're busy and whatnot, how do people find dates now?
Speaker 2:Well, in addition to being online and we can talk about that as a whole separate thing but going with the more organic ways of meeting people, I know that people still do get introduced by friends, and people do still meet people in the grocery store. I always like to say there's nothing more organic than the farmer's market, and so here's a story about the farmer's market. I had my normal morning at the farmer's market and I was walking out through the parking lot to get to the street where I parked my car and I just again I had my head up, I was in vacation mode and I looked around and I noticed a car and whatever I don't know logo, or whatever they call those things on the back. I'd never seen anything like that before, had no idea what it was, and so I stopped and I looked at it, just curious, and, um, a man was standing there and he looked at me and he said what? And I said do you know what this is? Have you ever seen a car like this? I've never seen this logo. Because I was truly curious, because I was truly interested I wasn't trying to start a conversation and he he said oh, I don't think I have.
Speaker 2:And so we had a conversation about the car and then he maneuvered it into a conversation about me, asking me about myself, and you know, and ultimately he did ask me for my number and we did go on a date. And ultimately he did ask me for my number and we did go on a date. And when we had the phone call before we met for our date, he said to me Do you want to know why I asked for your phone number? And I said, ooh, yeah, okay, insider information. Why did you ask me? And he said Well, we were having a lovely conversation and I could tell that you were just being genuine. He said but then I looked in your bag and I saw that you had flowers. You bought yourself flowers. You are a woman who knows what you like and you take care of yourself and maybe men bring you flowers, but even if they do, or even if they don't correct me if I'm wrong but you bring yourself flowers and I really like that.
Speaker 1:You take care of yourself. First you take care of yourself first.
Speaker 2:You take care of yourself first, and you take care of yourself first and you don't decide that something ought to be a certain way right. That's an additional thing to taking care of ourselves first. It's I don't have to wait. Men have brought me flowers. I love when men bring me flowers, but I don't have to wait for that. Flowers don't have to come through a man I can. I can provide flowers for myself, simply because I love having them in my home you don't have to date someone just so that you can receive flowers.
Speaker 1:You can go, go get your own flowers, exactly, exactly. So how do women know if they are ready to date again? Let's say they've gone through a divorce, they've broken up.
Speaker 2:How do you know that you're ready to date again versus needing more time to heal? Well, I don't think there's a fast rule for absolutely everyone, because we are all so different and we all heal in our own specific ways. What I do know is that if you still feel very attached to your ex and you might feel attached in a lot of different ways you might feel attached in a positive way and you might still be thinking really good and wishing you could be back together. You might be feeling attached in harder, more negative ways. You might be carrying a lot of sadness, you might be carrying a lot of hurt, you might be grieving, you might be angry, and so, again, everyone is different, but if you're still feeling a strong attachment in one way or another, then you might want to reconsider starting to date.
Speaker 2:But here's the thing if you are getting these internal ideas and signals that you want to date, it might be a really great opportunity for you to figure out how you can process through those feelings that you're having. And some people might choose therapy and some people might choose coaching. Some people might have wonderful friends who they can talk to and talk things through. Some people are wonderful about talking themselves through whatever they need to work out. So, however it works best for you, that's the best way for you. But, like I said, it's the kind of if it's starting to feel like a push-pull, like you know that you want this and yet you still feel attached, I would say find a way for you to work through that.
Speaker 1:I know for myself. I was married for 16 years and for the first five years after we separated I couldn't even imagine dating Like I. Just I didn't. I wanted to have some time to myself. I wanted to figure out who I was outside of that relationship. And it doesn't mean that you can't go on the odd date. You don't necessarily have to, you know, jump into a serious relationship right away, but everybody's different. I did have some friends tell me oh, that's, that's a little bit weird. You know it's been, it's been such a long time. But to be honest with you, I was actually really enjoying the time that I had to myself and I wasn't ready to share my life with anybody else at that point.
Speaker 2:That's wonderful. I love hearing that. I love hearing that. That's like the best. I think that that truly is the best place to be, because you were really enjoying the relationship that you have with yourself, and I don't know if I said this to you, but it occurred to me one day that the only relationship that any of us is guaranteed to have till death do we part, is the one that we have with ourselves, and so don't we want that to be the best one that it can be? Sure.
Speaker 1:I have another podcast called the Codependent Doctor, and at the end I always say you know, we are learning to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life and that's yourself.
Speaker 2:I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like it too, and it is okay to prioritize ourselves and to have kids and to love our kids and to love being a mom, but also to like who we are and to prioritize our well being and what we need prioritize ourselves.
Speaker 2:As far as you know a relationship and I'm just curious about women. You know your listeners are professionals a lot of doctors, I'm sure a lot of other professions that took a lot of schooling. I wonder, did you consider your schooling as prioritizing yourself?
Speaker 1:your schooling as prioritizing yourself? No, I, I, I didn't. I don't think I did, to be honest. So I went through medical school with two kids, so I was pretty much a zombie for those seven years. I was glad I was doing, going to school and following my dream, and I guess I could have seen it as prioritizing myself, and I and I really did, because it kind of took precedence over everything else and anybody else. Um, but yeah, I don't know if I saw that as a gift that I was giving to myself at the time, like I just wanted to go to sleep, and so that was prioritizing myself. Um, you know, having, you know, making a couple of days worth of lunches and being able to eat really well, that would have been prioritizing myself, but it was. It was all about survival mode and when you have kids, I think you have to slow down a little bit and make sure that everybody else is being taken care of, and when you're making room for everybody else and taking care of everybody else, it's really hard to put yourself first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and but think about that though.
Speaker 2:You did it because you knew that when you got to the end of that process, with all of your hard work and your lack of sleep, there was going to be a great benefit to you and to your children, to your family as a whole.
Speaker 2:Right, and I wish that women could think about dating in the same way, that you're not taking time away from your children, you're not being selfish. Time away from your children, you're not being selfish. You are investing in a process that ultimately, will bring you a gift and that will bring your children a gift also, also because, you know, not one of you with children is going to be out dating men who don't want to be with children. Right, you're not gonna do that. You have your priorities firmly in order and I mean, I hope that maybe that's a thought that will help you not feel guilty because, again it's I see it as the same thing. There's a process that is very time intensive for you to ultimately be a doctor and have that gift, and there's also a process that is not as time intensive, probably that will ultimately enable you to have this other part of your life that can be so enriched.
Speaker 1:I love that. I love that thought of you dating people is bringing you more joy and then you can pass that on to your kids and it also taking that time to prioritize yourself teaches your kids that it's okay to prioritize themselves as well exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:It's the role modeling, it's the role modeling.
Speaker 1:So you believe that success skills are transferable and that if someone has built a thriving career or family, that she can also build a thriving relationship. So what are some examples of those skills in action?
Speaker 2:Well, we just it's perfect, perfect lead into this question because it's prioritizing, it's investing your time. Right, we all have 24 hours in a day. How do we want to invest each hour, and what does that look like for us? So that is, first and foremost, deciding to invest, prioritizing really fully, really understanding why you're doing what you're doing, and not simply doing everything because it's on a list oh, I have to do this, I have to do that. That's a word that we use a lot. We tell ourselves I have to do this and maybe we don't.
Speaker 2:So I think it's also questioning, questioning every thought. Questioning, Questioning every thought, especially the ones that are in conflict with you committing to this new prize. Like when you were in medical school, you needed to make some choices. Some days you didn't get all the sleep that you would have liked to get. Some days, you didn't prepare the nutritious meals that you would have liked to have had. Some days, you maybe did not spend as much time with your children as you would have liked, and yet, knowing you, the time that you spent with them was quality time, and that's really precious. And understanding the value of the time that we commit and the fullness of the thought that we put into what we're doing and not simply that it's a certain number of hours to do something.
Speaker 1:So that can be the same thing with dating, right? So it's as long as it's quality time. If you don't have a lot of time, as long as what you do put into it is quality time, then you don't need tons of time.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly. You just reminded me of. You asked earlier about online dating. Well, there's online, like computer platforms, but there's also apps and they're slightly different, but I kind of lump all of that together into online because it's digital, all of that together into online because it's digital. There's also something that I love which is called speed dating.
Speaker 1:Have you ever heard of speed dating? I have, and actually my son is living in campus at university and they had a speed friending session where it was set up like speed dating but it was to help you make friends. So for people who are living in dorm in residences and don't have their families there, they get to meet all sorts of people. So I love the idea of speed dating, speed friending.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I love that. Oh my gosh, I love that that school is doing that. That's so necessary. Oh my gosh, that's wonderful, thank you. So that is a perfect example. I think it was two hours, I'm not even sure, but it wasn't much longer than that. It was basically it could be either an afternoon or an evening and you sign up. If you do want to do this, make sure you know, check out the company. Just look at the reviews. The company that I did it with were very reputable and they worked really hard to have equal numbers of men and women. That's really, really important, and I thought how can anyone not love this? I'm sitting in a chair and the restaurant that we were in, the chairs were really high backed chairs. It kind of felt like a throne. I was sipping a club soda sitting on a throne and every seven minutes a new man just sat down in front of me.
Speaker 1:So it was the men who moved around.
Speaker 2:It was the men. Now, in that one it was the men who moved around and I thought, how could I not love this? It's amazing.
Speaker 1:So is there like a set list of questions for people to kind of like open up?
Speaker 2:or well, there were icebreaker questions this and again. This company was really really buttoned up and they had we have, like all of these checkoff lists and everybody had a number. We didn't really know people's names at the time, but we all had numbers and so you could just go through your list and there were sets of icebreaker questions and it was also kind of interesting. You can learn so much about someone In that moment. I would say, oh, he asked that question or oh, like five men have asked this question. He's the only one who started out with this question. That's really interesting, interesting. And then ask him well, what do you, what did you find interesting about that question? You know, when you're in that and your senses are heightened and you know that you're there to kind of gather as much information as you can, it's really amazing what you can learn.
Speaker 2:Now I've also heard of and I love this and I want to offer this to your listeners there is a company that is doing kind of hybrid, what they call hybrid speed dating, which is a little more.
Speaker 2:It's not so regimented, it's more social so everyone gathers together in a bar or restaurant and everybody has a chance to get a drink, so they feel relaxed. And you get notifications on your phone, you get texts, look for someone who is blah, blah, blah, whatever the thing, and and and. So you're up and you're looking around it's not just that someone's getting deposited in front of you, and so even that feels a little more social. And then, oh, here's this person, and you find each other, and then you sit down and talk again for seven or ten minutes, whatever it might be, and so that's a really nice seven or ten minutes, whatever it might be, and so that's a really nice hybrid of, you know, feeling a little more social and yet meeting so many more people within a couple of hours. And so, again for your listeners, whose lives are so full, you might spend a week or a couple of weeks online actually meeting as many people as you could in a couple of hours doing a speed dating event.
Speaker 1:And you know that these people are all single and open to having a relationship, which is really nice.
Speaker 2:Right, and there are a lot of companies also that vet everyone before they bring them in. So, and again, I just want to say this I know that we all are very concerned about safety, especially when we're thinking about dating online Absolutely, absolutely, a paramount importance, and there are ways to keep yourself safe and not feel that you have to be overly fearful and concerned about it. That's the thing Learn the ways to keep yourself safe and then go out and enjoy yourself and have fun dating.
Speaker 1:Do what you need to do to protect yourself, but have fun. What should women look for to know if this relationship is truly right for them?
Speaker 2:them. The way I started to date differently was when I realized that I had to start making my opinion of myself more important than anyone else's opinion of me. And I don't mean that I don't value my friends, people who know me, people who are important to me and know me absolutely. I value their opinions. But I've been dating like a teenager for a really long time. I was going out on dates and wondering if he liked me and I have to start to think about do I like him? So that's one. Just shift that focus for yourself.
Speaker 2:And the other thing is when I got really grounded in my values, when I learned what magic is in learning about myself and what's really important to me and what kind of life vision do I have, what do I want for my life, and when you've gone through a lot of that work to understand your values, to understand your life vision, to know where you would really like to be headed, you can then start to do the work to understand what kinds of qualities can a man bring that will complement this life vision and my values and how will I be able to complement him and his life vision and values? And when you are having that uppermost in your thought. You will then create a framework of these things are really important to me, and I'm sure you've heard about women having lists. A framework of these things are really important to me, and I'm sure you've heard about women having lists, and a lot of women have very long lists, and I wish I could ask every single one of those women, especially the ones with a long list is is that your list?
Speaker 2:Are all of these things really important to you, to your values, to your life vision, or are you just hearing from the world? You want to look for this? This is important, and so when you know what you're looking for, you then can come up with your top five essential qualities that you're going to look for in a potential partner. And when you date, understanding that and having it's easier to start to see that when someone has any of those or all of those, and when someone doesn't, and as you go through the dating process, it's probably going to shift Something that you thought before you started dating would be really, really important to you. Maybe you're a few months in now and you realize, oh, it's really not that important. This person who I went out with a few times made me realize that this other thing is really important, because I realized he didn't have that and I felt myself missing it.
Speaker 1:So it's all about really really getting clear on how you feel when you're with someone and and understanding what that means and just because somebody has blonde hair, blue eyes and is six foot three doesn't mean they're going to be nice to you or, you know, respect you for, you know whatever hobbies that you have and help you better yourself. So those checklists they might be a bit of a guide, but they should not be what determines if this person's going to be your partner or not.
Speaker 2:Right, and that whole idea of type. You described it so perfectly because I don't know how it started. It started generations ago, I'm sure, but for some reason, type always meant looks Six foot three, blonde hair, blue eyes, dark hair, you know, whatever it was strong features, brown eyes it was always about looks. And and I this is another realization that I came to a few years ago, which was all part of that period of time that I was in, where my dating was really evolving and expanding, which is I now have decided that my type is about character. I now have decided that my type is about character.
Speaker 1:And character comes in all different lovely packages. Do you have any tips for when kids have really big feelings about mom dating again?
Speaker 2:There are people who are much experienced in how to help children through your dating process, and I would urge you to seek out expert information. And yet, for the beginnings of your dating, I will tell you. And yet for the beginnings of your dating, I will tell you that wait to introduce your children to someone until you feel strongly that you are going to be in this relationship for a while. But you do that to not only protect your child from being introduced to all these different people, but you're also protecting yourself and this container that your relationship is in, because you want to know how you feel. You want to know how you feel. You want to know how you want if you want this person to be in your life longer and you also want to be able to hear from them. Is that something that they want too? You really want to be on the same page, and that's a very loving thing to do for yourself and for your children.
Speaker 1:It's a good decision to make before you get the kids involved.
Speaker 2:Well, exactly, and that was what I was just going to say, and that goes back to knowing yourself and being grounded in yourself is the strongest position for you to be in for yourself and your children. Because what if you're dating someone who has children and his thing is, oh well, um, you know? Uh, for our third date, let's get the kids together and I'll go on a picnic. If you know that you're not ready for that, then you get to say no, thank you. And if you are fully grounded in yourself and know that your opinion means more to you than someone else's, then even if he says, but why? I think it's a great idea you will be able to remain firm.
Speaker 1:You really need to know what you want in that relationship before you get them involved. Yep, how can women shift from I have failed in love before to I deserve a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2:I don't honestly think that anyone has failed in love. I truly don't, because you are an expression of love in who you are, in how you are Now. Have you had relationships that you perhaps hoped would go further than they did? Probably, yeah, sure, right. And have you had relationships that seem to be going and and you know we're we're experiencing the full relationship, and then something went awry and you, that relationship ended, probably right, but that doesn't mean that you failed in love.
Speaker 1:Love exists, love just is you have two people who have to feel the same way, and when it doesn't, it doesn't mean that one person has failed.
Speaker 2:And you asked about not feeling that you deserve. A relationship that has been completed for whatever the reason has no bearing on someone's deserving of love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard. You never know what, what it was that triggered the other person, um, but it doesn't mean that you've done something wrong for the woman who's listening, who feels like love has passed her by. What's one piece of encouragement that you'd want her to hear today?
Speaker 2:Well, again, perfect lead in from the previous question, which is, to me, love is not a thing, and when I think about the idea of love passing someone by, it's as if have you ever been to a concert and someone is like throwing a huge beach ball around and okay, and so they'll throw the beach ball, they'll hit it and it'll go over there. It'll go over there and a couple of times you might be reaching up for it and you might not reach it. That beach ball is passing you by. Love is not a beach ball. Love is not a beach ball. Love is not a thing. Love is not something that's contained that you either can hold onto or it goes somewhere else.
Speaker 2:Love is our being. Love is our being, and If you want something practical to know, love is a verb. You don't have to wait to be loved. You don't have to wait to get love, to receive love. You get to love. You get to love yourself. You get to love your children. You get to love your extended family. You get to love your. You get to love your children. You get to love your extended family. You get to love your patients and your clients, you. What we do also helps us have the feeling.
Speaker 1:For sure, for sure. I love that. I love quotes. Is there a particular quote that you'd like to share with us today?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I was so glad that you asked this question because I was able to do some research to be sure that I was correct. So the quote is by Maya Angelou, and her quote is when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good one, and the last three words are what I went back to double check, because that's how I remembered it, but a lot of people don't remember it, so I want to say that again. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time yeah, it's hindsight is is is 20 20.
Speaker 1:so sometimes when you look back on the relationship and the things that kind of drove you bonkers or whatever those were there right in the beginning and for some reason you decided to ignore the signs because you want it to be with the person. You like the person, so you're like, oh, I can, I can put up with that, or it's not that bad, but eventually it does get there. So people are showing you who they are. If, if you get, if you get cheated on, if you have somebody who swears or, you know, hits you or whatnot, that person is showing you who they are and you need to believe them.
Speaker 2:Crazy about dating are that if someone doesn't show up when they say they will, when someone doesn't call when they say they will, when someone doesn't show up for a really long period of time, and you start to even wonder, you know, am I still in a relationship with this person? And then they drop back in. Oh hi, I miss you, I want to see you. All of it, all of the things that we get so crazed about while we're dating, are things that we could really take out of our experience so quickly if we would understand that not everybody online is doing these things.
Speaker 2:Not every man in the world is this way. Not every man in the world is that way and, for any men who might be listening, not every woman in the world is a certain way either. But when we tell ourselves that every man, or most men, are prone to a certain undesirable behavior, it makes us more likely to tolerate it, because we think, well, where am I going to go? If I go find another man, he's just going to do the same thing. But if we could remember that all of us are unique and it is perfectly acceptable to have a boundary and be firm about the way people can treat you and if you decide the very first time someone doesn't show up that that was the last time, the very first time someone doesn't show up that that was the last time they're not showing up then you have more time to go back out and meet someone else.
Speaker 1:For sure, for sure, sticks to your guns. If you say that's the last time, then let that truly be the last time.
Speaker 2:I have a friend who always says I did that thing twice, or I dated that man twice, or I went to that restaurant twice, and she means the first and the last.
Speaker 1:Right, fair enough, lena. How can listeners find you?
Speaker 2:They can find me at my website, which is LenaEhrenbergcom, and I am on Facebook and Instagram at have more love.
Speaker 1:Perfect, I'm going to put all those links in the show notes. And you also have a freebie, which is three essentials to help you meet your match.
Speaker 2:Yes, so this is a very short guide and I hope that you'll find the information in here useful if you want to be dating and you don't want to be expending a lot of time and energy that doesn't come back to you as an investment. There are a few things in this guide that you'll be able to start to implement immediately, and there's I've offered some things that you might not necessarily be hearing out in the general conversation about dating, and I think that you'll find it very useful, amazing.
Speaker 1:Thank you for that. Lina. Thank you for being here with us today. I know my listeners are going to walk away feeling more hopeful and better equipped to approach dating with confidence, even in the middle of busy careers and family life, so I'm grateful that you shared your wisdom and encouragement. It was a real gift to have you on the show today, so thank you for that.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. This was really wonderful, thank you.
Speaker 1:It was great, and thanks to all of you who are hanging out with us today on Paging Dr Mom. If you enjoyed today's episode, go ahead and hit that follow or subscribe so you don't miss what's coming up next. And if you want to keep the conversation going, you can find me over on Instagram at drangeladowney. I'd love to hear from you. So take care, for now you are doing better than you think. That is it for today's episode of Paging Dr Mom. If it made you smile, nod along or feel just a little more seen, then go ahead and hit that follow button and share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Take care for now you are doing better than you think.