PDA Parenting Explained: Why PDA Isn’t Behaviour, It’s a Nervous System Response

If PDA parenting feels harder than anything you were prepared for, I want you to hear this clearly: you are not failing.

In this episode of the Attuned Spectrum Podcast, I explain why PDA, or Pathological Demand Avoidance, is not a behavioural issue — it is a nervous system response. For PDA autistic children, refusal, control, and what is often called “equalising behaviour” are survival strategies used to restore safety when demands feel overwhelming.

I break down why traditional parenting advice so often backfires in PDA autism parenting, especially approaches based on compliance, rewards, consequences, or reasoning in the moment. These strategies can unintentionally increase threat in a PDA child’s nervous system rather than reduce it.

Using real examples from my own home, I share how even well-intended questions or suggestions can push a PDA child into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn — and why autonomy and felt safety must come first. We also start to explore why many PDA children hold it together all day and then fall apart at home, and why this isn’t a sign of failure, but of trust and co-regulation.

In this episode, we explore:

• PDA parenting through a nervous-system lens
• Why PDA refusals are not choices or manipulation
• What “equalising” means in PDA autism
• Why safety builds capacity over time

Chapters

• 1:01 Understanding PDA and Its Challenges
• 2:15 The Role of the Nervous System in PDA
• 5:41 Equalizing Behavior in PDA Children
• 7:16 Why Children Hold It Together at School
• 10:20 The Downfall of Traditional Parenting Advice
• 12:47 Building a Connection-First Approach
• 13:54 The Journey of Parenting a PDA Child