Why PDA Autistic Children Cope at School and Fall Apart at Home

If your PDA autistic child copes at school but falls apart at home, this isn’t a failure — it’s a sign they finally feel safe.

In this episode, I explore how masking in PDA and autistic children allows them to “hold it together” all day — and why that comes at such a high cost to their nervous system and wellbeing.

If you’ve ever been told your child is “fine” at school while you’re holding the emotional aftermath at home, this conversation is for you. I unpack why many PDA autistic children cope in structured, neurotypical environments, only to unravel once they’re with the person they feel safest with.

We talk about what masking really is, why PDA children are often high maskers, and how behaviour-based frameworks in schools can completely miss a child’s internal experience. What looks like resilience or good behaviour from the outside is often survival — and it can lead to anxiety, burnout, and emotional overload.

I also explore why home becomes the place where everything spills out, why this isn’t caused by “bad behaviour” or poor parenting, and why advocacy becomes unavoidable for parents of PDA autistic children — even when we’re exhausted.

This episode invites a gentle shift away from “Why does my child behave worse with me?” and towards “What have they been holding in all day?” — and why nervous-system-led, autonomy-supportive approaches matter for long-term wellbeing.

Key takeaways / shifts

• Masking is a nervous system survival response — not a choice
• PDA children often cope all day, then collapse where they feel safest
• Behavioural frameworks miss what’s happening internally
• Advocacy is not optional when systems don’t understand PDA
• Increased autonomy and reduced demand support real wellbeing

If this episode supported you, I’d love you to follow along and leave a rating — it helps other parents find this support. You’re also warmly invited to share your experience in the comments or connect with other parents walking this path.

If this resonates, you’re not alone — and calmer, more connected homes are possible.

And head to chantalhewitt.com/pda to download your FREE PDA Language Guide x

Chapters

• 2:19 Understanding PDA Behavior in Children
• 4:18 The Impact of Masking on PDA Autistic Children
• 5:44 Misunderstanding Masking in Educational Settings
• 8:17 The Role of Advocacy in Supporting PDA Children
• 11:15 Exploring Meltdowns and Home Dynamics
• 13:10 The Importance of Parental Support and Co-Regulation
• 14:58 Alternative Education for PDA Children
• 15:28 The Shift Towards Safety and Connection in Parenting

Transcript

Chantal Hewitt (00:00)

very true realities of parents of PDA children and teens because their nervous systems cannot cope. Their wellbeing is deteriorated when you put them in a system, that does not understand them and their needs.

let alone how to even support those differences. as parents of PDA autistic children, advocacy becomes unavoidable. We have to get very good at it, very loud, your child and their wellbeing depends on it.

Welcome back to the Attuned Spectrum podcast. I'm Chantal your host, AuDHD PDAer and mum of three, including a PDA autistic son.

And let's just dive right into PDA series part two. If you haven't checked out PDA part one, please head back to the week before to last week, and start there.

if you are listening and your child is autistic and you don't believe they have a PDA profile,

please know that so much of what I'm saying will support you and support them as well. There is quite a big difference when we look at PDA with that focus on autonomy and looking at demand avoidance and how that shows up within a PDA child.

But if you've been listening, following along, I still will be talking about how PDA fits into autism. And I would still love if you would choose to hit record or if you would choose to follow along and subscribe.

And if you have been listening along and you are loving the Attuned Spectrum podcast, please, please, please, I would absolutely love if you could follow along. And if you have been listening and you're finding value.

I do ask that you would offer a rating for this show. It will help bring this support to other people's eyes on their preferred listening platform.

Why autistic children who are PDA cope all day and fall apart at home?

If your autistic child seems to cope all day long at school or childcare, early education, wherever they are learning throughout the day, if they're not at home with you, and then they completely fall apart, meltdown central, panic attacks, the second that they see you or the second that they get home, this is not a behavior problem, and it is not because you are doing anything wrong.

For many PDA Autistic children, this is actually a sign of how hard they've worked all day just to survive. And I don't mean that lightly. I know that if you are listening, you will be experiencing this too, or you have experienced this. And there will be other parents, other people who are shaking their heads going, yes, that's just like my child. And they get on with it. But here is the difference. Not all children.

have these differences in their processing. They are not the same within their neuro type.

And when you put a neurodivergent child into a neuro-typical environment, and by that I mean one that has a fast pace, does not slow down, does not cater to inclusivity properly, and doesn't support their sensory environment or their nervous system safety, let alone if they even heard of pathological demand avoidance and what that means, if they are treating PDA

Behaviors as oppositional defiance, which is a whole other story. Please comment below if that is something that your child has been diagnosed with. ODD, oppositional defiance disorder. And you would like to unpack that a little bit further and what that means.

Because fun fact there, oppositional defiance disorder, so many children with this diagnosis, even adults that I interact with today, have actually gone on to have autism diagnoses with a PDA profile. Funny that.

what masking actually is. Have you heard of masking before? Many autistic and PDA children, especially PDA children, this is a trait, they are high maskers, they spend the whole day masking, even at home too, but more so in an environment that they are not familiar with. Masking means suppressing their natural responses, so those natural autistic or PDA tendencies that they have in traits.

forcing themselves to meet societal expectations that they don't understand. And that's not bad. It just isn't a part of who they are. And that is okay.

they could be forcing themselves to meet expectations, stay in a constant state of alert so they don't stand out. So they are constantly cognitive overload and anxiety as they think about how they fit in, how do they adhere and mask who they are to fit in.

They might be staying on this high alert so they don't stand out, so they don't get in trouble, or so they don't lose approval of their teachers or of their peers.

And masking is not a choice, just as behaviors a lot of the times aren't choices for our PDA children. It is a survival response genuinely within their nervous system, within their body.

And while on the outside it can really look like a child is doing well, you may even hear that the teachers say that they don't see anything wrong with your child. Internally, their nervous system is under extreme stress and they are strained.

I'm going to touch on why masking is so misunderstood, specifically within schools and systems. And I will start this by putting a disclaimer that

I have been a qualified teacher and within education, early childhood, early childhood development, leading education. this is not an attack on teachers. I am one trained with them. Many of my peers are teachers. I adore teachers. They do incredible work. All around the world, our systems are failing our teachers and in turn,

That is failing our children. You have stressed children, stressed teachers, stressed families, Just trying to figure out this thing that we call challenging behaviour or bad behaviour.

And how masking fits in. Masking is often misunderstood by adults and educators as good behavior, resilience, coping. I should be quoting with both fingers, but I'm holding a drink. But what it actually represents is it's costing them their mental wellbeing. It's leading to anxiety in a lot of children. And when everything is interpreted through that behavioral lens, the internal experience of the child gets missed entirely.

Perhaps your child is a perfectionist. Perhaps they get really really hard on themselves or down on themselves.

Maybe they practice so hard as they try to fit in and you can see how worried they are or how different they feel

they may really struggle to be involved with their peers because there are those differences that they have and that is okay.

When we talk about looking at things through a behavioral lens, this isn't about blaming teachers. Again, was one, loved them. Most educators are doing the best that they can in systems that are overrun, under-resourced and not trained whatsoever, by the way, in PDA, let alone autism, let alone ADHD, let alone so many different things.

not trying to throw universities into the bus here, but a lot of teachers college programs, depending on where you were trained, they did not give a very inclusive curriculum of how to support neurodivergent children. The research here is really starting to come out. And this is why it is so important that we listen to up to date approaches that are embedded within the research that we have and in particular, the research from the lived autistic and PDA community.

and what's coming out there. So just because something isn't published yet doesn't mean it isn't in the works. But there is a whole community of PDA adults telling us how this feels.

how they struggled and what that masking did to their mental health. And I'm one of those people as well.

I'm actually in the process of unmasking and as an adult that is quite tricky.

And as a parent of a PDAer, an autistic PDAer, it is so important to me and to my family that we ensure that our child and our other neurodivergent children grow up understanding that their differences aren't bad. And that is where advocacy comes in. And that is...

why it is so important that we understand as parents how to support PDA in a sustainable way that supports your child's well-being. I actually hear sometimes that teachers or family members, even parents sometimes, I think well-meaning, they will comment saying, well, your child doesn't look like they don't listen or follow instructions or

your child doesn't look autistic. And it's almost like it's something to celebrate. So you're almost celebrating masking and celebrating this badge of honor for absolute exhaustion that our children are going through to fit in. And it's been completely missed by a lot of educators within the schooling system. Again, sorry to throw you under the bus, teachers. I value you.

But as parents, this is why it is so important that we advocate so fiercely for our children and understand masking, how it shows up in our child and what it looks like. So we can start supporting them in that unmasking process, peeling off those layers so they can feel confident in their true self and know that they're supported in their schooling environment, whatever that looks like, whether it is mainstream schooling and it's hopefully very inclusive.

whether that is a Montessori education, a Steiner education, something else that's alternative, or more alternative and more supportive for your child and their autonomy and the control that they need throughout the day. Maybe it's a nature school that offers that as well.

Maybe it's unschooling or homeschooling. Those are also very true realities of parents of PDA children and teens because their nervous systems cannot cope. Their wellbeing is deteriorated when you put them in a system, a schooling system that does not understand them and their needs.

Most educators are doing the best that they can in systems that are overrun, under-resourced, and not trained in PDA or nervous system differences, let alone how to even support those differences. That's why, as parents of PDA autistic children, advocacy becomes unavoidable. We have to get very good at it, very loud, to be heard. You can do it in a respectful way, but your child and their wellbeing depends on it.

But don't worry, you are not alone. There is a whole community of parents looking to connect who want to support one another and lift each other up and give each other ideas that share the same values that are all working towards that same sustainable goal for their children and just having calm and more connected homes. It is possible.

Advocacy as parents of PDA children becomes unavoidable even when we're exhausted. It is hard.

Okay, the explosion of meltdowns at home after school. Anybody? Yes, I thought so. Comment below if you experience this too. What does it look like? Does your child mask most of the day, all day long? What does it look like when you greet them at the end of the day after school? Are they okay? Are they quiet? Are they a bit aggressive? Do they need to unwind?

What does your after school routine look like? How does it support their autonomy, their need for control, their ability to let go and unmask, take off those layers of who they are and who they've been hiding throughout the day?

Home is often one of the only places that a PDA child feels safe enough to stop masking, to remove that camouflage. So when your child gets home and fully melts down, shuts down or escalates, that's not because home is the problem and not necessarily that you are doing something that is causing this.

actually the opposite. It is because home is where their nervous system finally feels seen and safe enough to return to who they are and to begin to let everything go. It obviously doesn't come out in the way that we would like it to and there are obviously different degrees of how this shows up based on the child and what they're going through if they're in burnout or what

of the year it is, if there's some medication in their system that could be wearing off, an event of the day, something that they're anticipating or something that didn't go as planned for the day, all these things have an extra impact and I say extra because it is much harder for a neurodivergent child or person for that matter to let go and move forward if there is change, if something goes wrong that they are not expecting or if plans change from the day.

now for where you come in, which actually I think you've been coming in most of the time. If you haven't figured it out, you are the foundation and that is one of the first things and the biggest things that I teach in my coaching programs and within the community. Easier said than done, I know.

So yes, you are their safe space. Did you know that? I'm sure you did. I know it doesn't feel that way sometimes. And while people sometimes say that this is a compliment that they explode around you because they feel safest, because they are so connected to you, because it does mean that you are their co-regulator and their safe person, however, the truth is that it can also feel really unfair, really hard.

and incredibly frustrating to name a few of those feelings. You can feel the way you're feeling, but then also support your child.

We just need to be really careful of what they're seeing and that they don't see or feel that they are doing that to us. And that is where support for parents comes in so handy

You are the one who gets the brunt of all that overflow, all that nervous system activation kind of exploding and coming out after school. Again, not because you're doing anything wrong, but because of this nervous system difference that you are supporting. That is why parents matter so much in PDA parenting.

Here we're looking at equity. The equity versus equality.

You are not separate from the work, this self-regulation, resilience that I'll come back to, work of your child, you are actually central to it. It begins with you.

So instead of asking, why does my child behave worse with me? A more helpful question would be or could be, what have they been holding onto or holding in all day long?

Increased autonomy, reduced sensory load and fewer demands often means less masking and an increase in their well-being, their family's well-being, less school refusal, less resistance to going. They actually feel a sense of belonging at a place that understands them.

You are not imagining this and you are not alone.

If you enjoyed this I would absolutely appreciate you hitting that subscribe button and following along every week, midweek. And I would love to hear your stories within the comments.