Autism & PDA School Refusal: Why Your Child Can’t (Not Won't) Attend | Low Demand Parenting

PDA School Refusal isn't about your child not wanting to go to school; it is about them being physically unable to attend within their bodies.

If you have a PDA (Pathalogically demand avoidant) or child on the Autism Spectrum, who wants to learn but cannot actually attend, we need to strip back the layers and focus on nervous system safety and co-regulation techniques. 

In this episode, I explain why it is essential to ignore attendance for a moment and instead really understand how low demand parenting supports your child's capacity to not only learn, but to actually want to attend school.

We dive deep into the "why" behind school refusal, moving away from forced compliance and toward parent-child connection strategies that prioritize your relationship over school rules. You'll learn how to identify the demands of a school environment—from sensory overload to social interactions—and why alternative schooling like Montessori or homeschooling might be the pivot your family needs.

I also get honest about advocacy. It isn't the school's job to drive this change; as a parent, your attachment and co-regulation are the most impactful tools for your child’s long-term success.

Main Takeaways

• Can't vs. Won't: School refusal in PDA is a physiological inability to attend, driven by a lack of felt safety in the nervous system, not a choice or "defiance".
• Capacity Over Compliance: Forcing attendance when a child is in burnout or high anxiety is counterproductive and damages long-term success.
• The Invisible Demands: Beyond the classroom work, a 30-hour school week carries heavy demands in social interaction, sensory processing, and transitions.
• The Parent as Lead Advocate: Because of the secure attachment and trust, the parent is the most impactful person to drive educational change and advocate for the child’s needs.
• Pivoting is Okay: Traditional schooling isn't built for every brain; alternative environments or homeschooling can preserve a child's love for learning.

Transcript

Chantal Hewitt (00:00)

school refusal isn't about your child not wanting to go to school, it is about them not being able physically, within their bodies, to go to school.

In this episode, we are diving into the why behind school refusal behaviors in your PDA child.

including looking into the anxiety that comes from school refusal. And what you can do as a parent to confidently advocate for your child during this process.

Education for any child is not just about attendance. And for your PDA child, that school refusal is a bigger sign that attendance isn't the problem. If you have a child who wants to go to school or wants to learn, but cannot actually attend school, then we need to strip all these layers back and we need to focus on their nervous system and their safety.

before anything else.

in this episode.

I will explain why it is absolutely essential that we ignore attendance for the moment and focus on everything that is driving the refusal to attend school for your child.

At the end of the day, it is so important that we focus on supporting your child's capacity, opposed to forcing them closer and closer towards burnout by attending school.

We will also talk about how advocacy plays such an important role and we will look at who that advocacy needs to fall onto. I'll give you a hint, it is not the school.

there is somebody even more impactful who needs to be driving the advocacy and the change for the child.

Point number one, we are going to talk about the why behind school refusal.

If you have a child, a PDA child, perhaps you don't believe your child's PDA, but they struggle with anxiety, perhaps they have been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder, which is a separate topic, which I'm not getting into right now. But either way, if you are sitting here listening and you are thinking, yes, this is my child, they refuse school, they genuinely seem to want to learn,

However, their capacity just isn't there. They're anxious. They may have had a terrible experience with school and it doesn't have to be recently. It could have been the year before or years before. It is so important that we tap into the why behind the reasoning that your child is trying to share with you of why they can't attend school.

It's not necessarily just because I am bored. There's always this deeper meaning and a lot of the times the parents know, but there's all this pressure to attend school, to make sure you're not missing certain classes or lessons or days at a time. But at the end of the day, if we force this compliance, if we are forcing and encouraging our child to attend school when they are so highly anxious,

and they may not feel safe within their nervous system to be in an education setting at that time or in like a school setting at that time. Do we think that's actually setting them up for long-term success? I believe it is doing the opposite.

Okay, so when we talk about PDA, pathological demand avoidance, we aren't just talking about a choice to not do something. It is really important that we, and a lot of the times parents, we understand and we know if we have a PDA child that of course it isn't that they are choosing to feel this way. I've spoken to so many parents who support their PDA children and if they have that communication, a lot of the times as they get a little bit older, like

six, seven, eight, kind of into that primary school age, they very clearly can communicate in whichever way, shape or form that they do.

that they don't understand what is happening in their brain and they don't know why they can't. I've worked in education for over a decade and I will tell you that I have seen a very big difference between a child who is aware that they know that there is something that is stopping them in their brain, in their physiology, in why they react a certain way to certain things because children aren't stupid.

they can see their peers who have different reactions and they will internalize these feelings. So it is so important that if we are acknowledging that our PDA child is refusing school or seems highly anxious or there was an experience of something awful that may have happened and it might not even seem awful to you, but it could be huge for them and it could be impacting on their ability to attend school and to learn.

So PDA in itself, we look at the child's capacity. If we want them, and by we I mean society, education, politics, parents, of course parents, and I am a parent, I have three young children, and I work with an education, I'm a teacher, and of course we want children to learn. So this isn't a question of...

we want our children to not learn in their childhood because I don't think I've ever met a parent of a neurodivergent child who was refusing school or a PDA child going through school refusal and high anxiety who did not want their child to succeed and to learn. So it is really counterproductive to be judging parents based on the decisions that they have to make in order to care for

their relationship with their child, their safety with their child. There are so many decisions that will be weighing on that parent to support their anxious child, their PDA child, their neurodivergent child who's going through this period of time of transitioning back to school, school refusal. Perhaps it is after a long holiday, the beginning of a new year. That's a new teacher, new children, so many new things.

The demand in itself, so it's not necessarily, this is where I think people get it wrong, as well as the education system. So it is not that they don't want to do homework or that they don't want to sit in class. If you look at school roughly six hours a day, depending on where you are in the world, it is not just the demand of being at school for six hours a day, five days a week, that's 30 hours of your child's time. It is also the demand of

having the schedule or the routine in the mornings of getting themselves ready, getting themselves to school, however they get to school, showing up, trying to be present and listen and take on information, let alone if they're not interested or if it's not taught in their learning style. So these are all demands. If they struggle with neurotypical social interactions,

if they struggle with bullying, like all these things come into play and they are demands for your child. So it isn't just, I mean, it is that long six hour day, five days a week, 30 hours for your child, but it's what happens in the lead up as well as to that coming home too. Is there an expectation of homework? Is there an expectation from the parent, from you of, and you mean well, but are we...

asking our child who already is anxious, struggling to be and engage at school, are we asking them a lot of questions when they come home? Are we pushing homework? Are we doing the things that we need to to support their capacity, their well-being, irrespective of attendance rules or compliance at school?

because it will be a very long road for your child if they're refusing school but they are not being heard. It is a really hard, challenging path that we have to follow when this happens. But I guarantee you, it will be worse if you push it aside and try to force compliance instead of supporting their nervous system, their safety.

and advocating for your child.

So essentially, when we look at school refusal on the surface, yep, sure, looks like defiance. It isn't. In your PDA child or your highly anxious child, perhaps your child who has an oppositional defiance disorder diagnosis or thought to be, there could be a lot more going on and it is our job as parents and as educators as well, I will say, to work.

together, so parent, educator, come together, work with your child to figure out what is happening beneath the surface. How can you support your child? How can teachers support this student to feel safe enough to learn? How can they feel supported in their nervous system differences, in their sensory differences, in how they

operate, how they need autonomy. It can be very successful having a PDA child within a schooling environment. However, so many schooling environments are not set up to cater for our PDA children. And when this happens, that's when that burnout kicks in. That's when the school refusal happens. That's when parents have to start looking at other accommodations to support their child's learning.

These are things such as alternative schooling, whether it's Montessori education, a Steiner education, is it a forest school? So these alternative methods, which I love, by the way, these methods are much more supportive of the sensory experiences of the child, as well as supporting their interest. So it's interest-based learning, like kind of at its core. And

There's a lot more autonomy and freedom of choice and child led within these environments. And children still learn. If anything, they keep their love for learning for a much longer period of time.

The other option is homeschooling and that is the reality for a lot of parents of PDA children. It is hard to navigate. Parents have to work a lot of the time. There ends up being a lot of stress financially.

And while this video won't dive specifically into all those intricate factors or ways that are like this interconnected web. So it's not just your child refusing school. It is their capacity, their neurodivergence, and that it's not supported. So it's not about.

their neurodivergence causing this. That is never the problem. The problem is the systems who are not there to support the neurodivergence of the child, despite so many of them claiming to be inclusive, understand neurodiversity affirming practice.

But at the end of the day, if we are saying all these things, that we are being neurodiversity affirming, that we are doing all the training that we can get our hands on, that we understand that all children learn differently, but then if we come back to the importance of, hold on, we need compliance. You need to be sitting at school. You need to be attending. What is the problem here? We need to get you from not coming to school to coming to school.

very quickly, but what does that actually look like? How does the child feel? So these are really important questions that we need to be considering as a parent and as educators How do we support the child to learn? How do we support them to feel safe enough to learn? And how do we know when we may be pushing?

too hard and we may need to be advocating for an alternative schooling method, which does happen. It is very challenging to navigate, but it does happen and sometimes we do need to pivot as parents and look at alternative schooling methods for our child.

The last point that I do want to touch on is parental advocacy and why it is so important that the parent is the main person, parent or parents, or people who genuinely are there advocating and supporting their child on a regular basis or the child in their care. It is so important that you are the advocate because I say this often and again, not trying to be blunt, not trying to be harsh, but

There is no one out there, no teacher. Yes, they will care, but no teacher, no doctor, no family friend unless they are super invested in your child. You will have the biggest impact. Your child has that attachment to you. They are in a relationship with you and they trust you to keep them safe. Yes, it's exhausting, but that is how it is with.

our children in general in parenting, but then also with our children that really, really need co-regulation. And a lot of that times that is a PDA child and supporting the autonomy that they need in a high anxiety environment, which is school and navigating that with them.

So we have to get very clear and very good at advocating on their behalf. But it is hard when we don't feel confident sometimes, when we feel like we are upsetting teachers or the school system. But if we don't advocate fiercely for our child, then who will? And that is the question that I will leave you with.

Chantal Hewitt (13:31)
If this episode resonated with you, where your child is at, if school refusal is something that your child is struggling with and that you are struggling with to support them, if you head on over to chantalhewitt.com/waitlist you can receive the full three hour webinar series that supports school refusal and school transitions for your PDA child.

There is a free companion guide workbook included as well. It is only available within my Raising PDA community. Jump on over to that wait list. I will notify you and just keep you updated on when the doors open.

If you enjoyed this episode on school refusal for your PDA child and supporting them through this and your advocacy,

Make sure you listen to this episode next where we are debunking the three biggest PDA parenting myths that I cannot stand.