Episode 20 The Pressure to Do More in Spring

Spring can get full fast. Field trips, sports, co-ops, church events, vacations, end-of-year activities — suddenly the calendar is packed and the pressure is everywhere. In this episode, we’re having an honest conversation about overcommitting, the guilt that comes with saying no, and how to protect peace in your homeschool and family life. If spring always feels like too much, this one will hit home.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Welcome to homeschooling and life unfiltered with Court and Jess, where real talk meets real life. Court and Jess are two friends, fellow moms, and business partners who live in different time zones and juggle homeschooling alongside motherhood and entrepreneurship. Jess is a mom of eight and Court is a mom of seven, and together they're raising 15 kids and navigating the wild, wonderful world of homeschooling, each in completely different ways. Every week we invite you to pull up a chair for honest conversations, practical tips, and uplifting encouragement. You'll hear from moms across the country who are homeschooling in a way that works best for their families. Whether you're a veteran homeschool mom just getting started or somewhere in between, this is your space to feel seen, supported, and inspired. Because no matter how different our past may look, we are all in this together.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Hi, and welcome to homeschooling and life unfiltered with Court and Jess. Today we are diving into the pressures of spring. Why do we feel like we must do all the things in spring? And why do we feel like we didn't do enough? So we're gonna jump right in. Um, why does spring make us feel like we have to do more or that we should be doing more?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

I think for me, it's the end of the school year. And so you hit spring break and you're like, oh shoot, I didn't do this, this is this, right? I didn't do my composition, I didn't do enough art, or I didn't do any field trips. And so we try to cram everything that we haven't done in you know three quarters of a school year into a quarter. Like it's so silly. And I do it every single year. Every year, like work.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

It's um so we did not discuss this topic ahead of time other than the title. Um, but you said composer study in there, and about 10 years ago, uh I was at a spring homeschooling conference, our big local, like local to Minnesota homeschooling conference, which is phenomenal. It's always in the spring, but there's nothing like a spring homeschooling conference to make you feel so inadequate about the year that's just passed. So about 10 years ago, I um bought a composer study unit, and I am ashamed to admit it remains unused. We have never used it. It is so good too. We just, I just couldn't fit it in. I bought it like, okay, we'll do an entire year's worth of composer curriculum in the next month and a half or two months, and it never happened.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Okay, it's so funny that you say that because literally sitting on my shelf right here by my desk is this Meister Classics fantastic composer study program that I bought. You guys look, they're still something. I mean, and there's like 10 of them, and I think Peter the Wolf was the only one I opened. They're great, and I had to buy a CD player just for these because no one is using it in their house anymore. No, um, and now that I'm thinking about this, I'm like, I wonder what happened to that CD player. So now you can't so now I should get them back out and do them because we haven't done any composer studies this year, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Just buy a new CD player. Oh, that's funny. Um, for me, and I don't know why, because it's not the case, but spring feels like such a deadline season. Like we are subconsciously subconsciously feeling like we have to finish strong or we have something to prove, right? Like, what do you know? You see all the family over the summer, like in Minnesota, we all come out of hibernation and we see our friends, all these things, and it's like, well, how'd your school year go? And it's just all of this weird pressure that we put on our stuff. Um, but in Minnesota, it's like this, and I know it's a little bit different in Arizona, but like this natural shift inward from like our winter routines, then like our outward kind of activities and connection with people and things like that. Um, but I think for me also, so I agree with you 100% what you just said, but for me also, it's like when you when you are a high capacity mom, and I think a lot of our listeners will be able to relate to this, and a lot of our listeners are high capacity moms. Um this season triggers in me like this I could do more, therefore I should do more. I have the ability to do more, so why wouldn't I? And um, and I really struggle with that. And then we kind of chip away at our peace and the harmony in our house, like one reluctant yes at a time, right? As we overburden ourselves, like, yeah, I could, I could help you with that. Yeah, I could, I could do that for you too, or yeah, I could, you know, take on this additional composer curriculum. Um, but just because we have the capacity to do more doesn't mean that we should, because when we do take on more, it often doesn't take away from the things that we're overcommitting to. It actually takes away from the most important things, which is our family.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

That's totally true. Um I don't know, it's but it's so hard not to say yes because I can. And can I just say that I would hate to have my homeschool conference in the spring? Like I love ours is in the middle of summer, and it's right when I like honestly, I would almost like it better in June, like after the school year's over. Ours isn't until July, and it's like literally two weeks before school starts in Arizona, but I would hate to do it right now.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Well, okay, to be fair, ours is in spring, but it's in May, so it's not like it's in March, April. It's in early May. I they've shifted a little bit, but um, it's May, but it still feels really springy to me because it's not really summer summer here until June.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Okay, real life people, sorry. I have a kid coming in and need help. I apologize. We have a baby here today, and my littles are helping out with the baby and they have questions. So we'll see how we can make it through without him joining us.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Oh, I love it. And if he does, he does. Um, how do um so so one of the things that I was thinking about is that like spring doesn't necessarily like expose our capacity, you know, like what how much we've done or what we can do, because we know we can do all the things, but it also exposes like our lack of boundaries and like how do we make sure we have appropriate boundaries up for um to protect our family and the things are important. Um, what kind of pressures, like if you had to categorize, and if you need a minute to think, I can go first too, but like what kind of pressures do you think show up the most for you in spring? Like school, home, you know, all those things?

SPEAKER_01 6:13

Oh well, I think it depends upon the year. Like this year, I have two graduating, like I have a high school graduate and a college graduate, so yeah, I feel like it is like compounding like double time with all the things, right? That always adds a whole nother level because then you have graduation parties, and and for some reason it is the age of my kids, but it's a wedding season. We've literally had a wedding shower or a wedding or a baby shower every weekend, you guys, like in this like two months time, and some multiple a day. And so I think on top of that, and so and I want to go to all the things, I want to support them, I want to do it, but sometimes I'm just like, oh, can I just please send a present? You know what I mean? I just it's kind of a weird place to be in right now. Um, and so I feel like it's even worse. And this is the worst. This is the first time I've ever dealt with this because I think it's because of the age of my my older girls that we're in a new season of life. Um, and so I'm feeling that like on top of it. So it's taken over all my Saturdays. Saturdays are gone.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

Um, and I don't I don't know. Now I can't even remember what you asked me. No, you're good.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

I was gonna say, I was actually just thinking about this the other day. We've got we went so many years without any weddings. Like it was just the age that my kids were and my cousins and myself, and and we've had a few trickle in, but I was just thinking about this recently, and I'm like, oh, all of my friends' kids are gonna be starting to get married, and all of my kids' friends, it's gonna end up. I'm gonna end up where you're at in just a couple of years.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

So it's I'm missing all friends, but two weddings when we're in Hawaii. Two weddings. That's crazy. It's nuts, and my daughter's in one of them, and my daughter's making the cake for another one, and so it's just it's a crazy, like, I feel like this year is worse, and I don't I feel it's more, I guess, like family, like outside obligations or like yeah, social pressure. So there you go. That's a great word for it. I don't feel like as much in in the school stuff, only because I'm old and I've been doing this long enough that like I recognize it and I see it that I don't have to do that anymore. I don't feel like I chased that rabbit wheel as much as I used to. Because now I'm like, oh, we didn't do all those things. Oh well, next year it'll, you know, it'll turn around next year. Where I couldn't have said that 10 years ago, me would have been like, oh no, how many things can we crammed in? And we're gonna do school all summer, and we're gonna do all the, you know what I mean? We're gonna just the anxiety of it. And now I've been around the block enough that I'm like, yeah, it's okay. Like it doesn't really matter. And everybody, even I wish I'd told my ear self this, like, who cares? Like, it doesn't matter, it'll come back again. Like, your kids are here a long time. You do not have to cram everything into this one year that you think it should be. If you do American history for two years in a row, that's okay. You know what I mean? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

No, I agree with you. So that's like the academic pressure is kind of how I labeled it. And you know, for me, so I have um three crit three kiddos gone grown and gone, um, and then uh uh a junior who will have a senior year next year. And as I reflect back on, you know, all the things like the composer curriculum we didn't do, or you know, the science unit I wanted to do and never got to, or whatever. Right now I feel like I I have like this palpable ache, right? Like in my home right now. And and for me personally as a mom that I'm I'm gonna be losing this, this my you know, my son, he's gonna be leaving. I only have one year left with him. And all the pressures that come with that, right? Like, okay, if this one year left, what all do I need to teach him? And um, none of it has to do with academics, it all has to do with like character building and all like, did I teach him enough to be a good husband and to be a good adult brother, right? To his younger siblings and to maintain family relationships when he moves out. And um, you know, does he know how to function as an adult? Like, so it's so much more of like that character training. So for everybody who's, you know, got the fifth grader who isn't maybe at quite the math level they're supposed to be, and you're concerned, just are you teaching them, are you spending time developing their character, right? And your relationship with them. Do you have the relationship with them that you know when they fly the coop, like they're you're always you, you mom and dad are always going to be home.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

Um so what are the other things that I always think about as they go, because I have a senior this year graduating, is do they know how to learn? Like if they don't, like I could not possibly have taught them everything, but if they want to know it or need to know it or have a desire to know it, do they know how to learn it or how to find the information? And so I think that's probably one of my biggest pieces that I want them to leave with is do they know and have the skills and the you know, the know-how? Like, I my daughter's about to graduate nursing school. I definitely, you know, like her high school, did we prepare her for nursing school? Absolutely not. But did we teach her how to learn and how to study and like how to, you know, and yes, and she's doing fantastic. And so, anyways, I just feel like you can take some pressure off of yourself by just you don't have to have taught them all the things they need to know, they just need to know how to be able to find the information, which I think as homeschoolers, that's like our main job.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Yep, but also I agree with you 100%, but also having a love for learning, a desire to learn. Um, I I'm almost positive I referenced this in another podcast, but I'm just gonna do it again is um I read a study not too long ago that talked about the most successful college students. Um do you remember if we talked about this? Do you know what what would you guess that is? Who are who are the most successful college students?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Oh, probably homeschoolers because they know how to learn and they like it.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

It's adults who return to college.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Oh, that makes sense because they have a more more buy-in. It's one, it's their money, and two, they're there because they want to be.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

Well, and it's so interesting because we are always thinking, like, oh, did I teach them enough to be successful in college? Well, I'm sorry, but I hardly remember anything I learned in high school. Um, I was an adult, so I went back to college. So I went to college, right? But I was busy raising a bunch of kids and so I had a big gap, and then I went back to college and did super well in college. Um, and it had nothing, zero, Courtney, nothing to do with my high school education. I'm not saying to to slack in high school because it's really important, but um I have learned more as a homeschooling mom than I ever did in my in my K-12 experience. Um, and so, but it's so interesting that these adult learners have these 10, 15, 20 year gaps in traditional education and learning, right? And they're 10, 15, 20 years away from the high school. That was so important to prepare them for college. Yet they are our most successful college students. Has so much to do with drive and passion for uh for learning and you know, that love of learning, knowing how to learn, right? Because they've had all this trial and error and having to learn on the job and learn real life experience and things like that. And so I think as high schooling homeschool moms, we need to take a little bit of pressure off ourselves and focus more on exactly what you said, which was do they know how to learn? Do they know where to find the information? Um, do they love to learn, right? And are they are they motivated? Those are all those are all training pieces and and character building things like that. So um I think we could take a little bit of pressure off ourselves. So the other pressures that I had written down were opportunity pressures, right? Like, oh, but it's such a good opportunity. Like I could drive them two hours to this special choir, and it's such a good opportunity because he's such a good singer and he definitely would, you know, get multiple solos and such great experience. Do you ever have those pressures?

SPEAKER_01 13:54

So I feel like no, but it's because I many moons ago, and it's hanging on my wall, we have like a homeschool vision statement. Basically, that would actually be a great episode to do of homeschool vision that's it kind of outlines like this is what we do. And so it allows me to like I put everything through that lens, right? And so one of the things that we have is you know, everybody gets it, used to be one activity when I had lots of levels, but now they get two. You get two activities, and so yes, you could do that choir, but what are you gonna give up? So I'm not adding things, it's like a trade thing. So, like my one daughter who is really into gymnastics and tumbling right now, and she's trying to get like on this team, this competitive team. She wanted to add a tumbling class in. And I was like, well, okay, but choir has to go. And like she had to give away choir and dance to add these two different things in. So I feel like you don't have to say yes to everything, but like set up your boundaries for your family. If your thing is, you know, like your hill might be piano, you want your kids to play piano, so that one doesn't count for their thing, but then they get to do one sport or they get to do, you know what I mean? So I have just learned for us, like in the season of life, like my kids can do two things. Everybody can do two activities because like we can handle that, because now I only really have three kids that I'm doing things, and I have a high schooler that drives kids around. So but when my kids were little and I had seven kids that were all in, you know, junior high, high, you know, in that everybody got one because that's all I can handle. And so it was really easy to be like, yes, these are so fantastic, but it's not our season for that.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

So, um, so two things that come to mind. So there's a really good talk, and I'm for those of you who are familiar with the story of the talk, I I know that I'm not doing it justice, and I'm probably getting some details wrong. But um, and I apologize if you can hear my baby crying, real life. Um, somebody clearly just took something from her that she wanted. Um, awesome. But um, there was a talk done in our church, and they told a story, and it was again, these details are probably gonna be wrong, but as a grandpa and a grandson, maybe, and they're walking through a fee, uh a cornfield, maybe, right? A cornfield. Um, and it was they had planted corn this year, and they were walking through the rows that were popping up, and there was a bean plant because it was beans, they rotated the crops, and there were beans last year. And the boy said, Oh, grandpa, look at there's a uh bean sprout. And the grandpa said, Well, pull it out. And he says, Well, why? It's a it's a it's beautiful, it's a bean sprout. And he said, Well, we have corn planted this year, and so this year, this season, that beautiful plant is a weed. So pull it. And so I loved that story, and that has really stuck with me that there are great opportunities and great things, and but that doesn't mean that they're necessarily right for your family in your seasoning right now. Um, my husband and I did ourselves kind of a disservice early in our lives or early in our marriage. He's an only child, and I came from a big family, and he and I agreed early on, again, like I just shake my head about like our how naive we were, right? But when we decided, like when it was very obvious that we were gonna have a big family, we got a lot of outside influences, right? Because we were a super young couple. Um, we were had a lot of kids, right? Like there was just a lot, we a lot of pressure that we were gonna homeschool them, right? And so our oldest daughter was probably, I don't know, in third grade, and our other kids were starting to get into activities, and we made a pact that we were not going to limit their experiences just because we had a big family, and so we ended up way overcommitted, right? They were in 15 million things each, running a million different directions. Um, and in hindsight, like again, I just roll my eyes at my younger self for even like having this little pack with my husband. Um, so we did way too much, and then it was actually probably that talk that so several years ago, that that was my turning point. I was like, oh, yeah, we did not do all the things, but it still has been kind of a slow evolution to get out of that mindset. Um, so even just and right then we're always we were both raised with like you're not a quitter, you don't quit things, right? And so that was also like this mentality that we were working against, or like this uphill climb. And so now we're just, I feel like we're this year really saying to kids, like, well, if you want to do that, you you have to choose one, or that you were too overloaded, or this and that, or we're gonna, you know, not finish out. Like I have a daughter who's not gonna finish out probably ballet because she wants to be a musical theater and they're overlapping and we're paying for most both paying for both, um, but she's missing a quarter of each, right? I mean, it's just um, and then the time like we're just spread so thin. So uh that has been definitely an evolution for us. Um, the other two that I have written down are just like church and service pressures, um, which depending on you know what what your faith background is and things like that, it can be range from minimal to substantial. Um, and then internal pressures, which is just again, like that almost I will call it negative self-speak almost, right? Because it is negative and you really think about it the well, I should be doing more. I can handle it, so why can't I do it? Like that mom's really struggling, and I homeschool, so you know, why don't I, you know, commit to bringing her a meal once a week or something like that? Um, not that we can't be generous and helpful, and not that we can't give because we're high capacity moms, but not at the cost of the piece in our home. So for real. Um what's that?

SPEAKER_01 19:46

I said that is for sure a real life thing. Well, just like I mean, I have a perfect example of what you were talking about before. So I had seven kids the year Macy was born. So she was my youngest. So mate Sydney was 12 or something like that. And we had the opportunity to join this great co-op, like huge co-op. Like it was fantastic. It was something we'd really wanted to. We'd kind of been on a wait list for. But the year that we got accepted to join was the year Macy was born. Like she was born in August.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Gotcha, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

And I had to say no because like it just I could it. Like, I just could like that was my year. It was like my year of no. It was it was a thing for me, a year of no. Just like we just have to be home this year, and I have to like learn how to have seven kids and you know, still be able to do all the things. And so we ended up joining the following year when she was one, and it was a great decision for us, but it was so hard, and that was like a huge opportunity that everybody was excited about, and and the co-op was like over an hour away from our house. And I mean, it was a big thing. Yeah, it was a big commitment, and so but we had to wait a year, and it was okay, like it was hard to do, and it was so hard to say no, and I felt terrible and guilty, and you know, but it was just it was the season, like, and it's okay to have those seasons because the opportunity does come back. Like, I feel like I would be nicer to my I wish I had been nicer to myself back then because it was what I needed.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

Yep. No, and in that season, that co-op was a weed and you pulled it. That's awesome. Um, how do you how do you for yourself, but also if you were talking to a mom who's feeling really overwhelmed, how do you draw the line and tell the difference between a full, like being full versus being overloaded?

SPEAKER_01 21:32

So to me, I have like my things that are like my hills I die on, right? Not like my dinner time or you know, family read a lot of time or whatever it may be. Like if if I can do those comfortably and easily and without stress, then I then I'm okay with the yes, right? Then or it's something that I can feasibly do. But if I am now like I get a little grumpy and angry, like if those things don't happen, or like I I I just like my internal stress gets. To be a snappy grumpy mom, yeah. That's when I know that, like, oh, too many things, like I'm getting too many things on my on my plate, or I've said yes to too many things if the things are really important to our family are not happening.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

I love that you wrote down or you said things so similar to what I wrote down. Who is the the homeschooling influencer? I love her, I can't think of her name though. Um, who did I think you and I both did it, I mean, years apart and not knowing each other, like the homeschool boot camp where you um create like your Pam Barn Hill, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

The plan your year.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

And so I went to one of her boot camps or virtually, and she talked about what is the least amount you can do in a day and still feel like you were successful, right? Like, and so I kind of like that for what you're saying is like these this is the these are the minimum things we need to do, like the hills I will die on. And as long as we're still doing those things and I can feel good about adding other things. Um, so what I wrote down was for me, full, like I'm still feeling energized and purposeful, right? I'm not just like dragging myself and my kids by their shirt collars across some you know arbitrary finish line. Um, I still have a margin and I think that's really important. Like there's still there's still a margin to fill with like, hey, let's run and get an ice cream cone, or let's just like curl up and read a book together, or this child's upset, so I can I literally have the time to drop everything and just go spend 45 minutes trying to unpack what's up, you know, what's upsetting this child. Um and then my kids are thriving, right? Like kids are thriving, mom is thriving. That's kind of like my full. Um, but my overloaded is I'm literally just managing everything and not enjoying anything. Yeah. And I've noticed that recently, especially with like a cool some of that, some a few cool activities we've done recently, a field trip activities. I find myself just managing that situation and then like it's over. And I never really enjoyed it because I was worried about where this kid was and and what we're gonna eat for lunch. And did I pack this? And are they enjoying themselves?

SPEAKER_01 24:13

I find that I become like a drill sergeant.

unknown 24:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

So if I'm in drill sergeant mode, it's not an enjoyable experience. And that's totally like I'm barking orders and I'm like, come on, like, let's go, let's do where's this, this, this, this. I'm I that's when I know I'm like, oh, I'm crossed over to the bad zone. And I find myself doing it. I actually just did it last week and I was like, oh, okay, step back.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

Yep, yep. Um, this just happened to me as well. And for me, it shows up with barking orders for sure. Um, but it's getting overly irritated with something super small. So I had asked my grab me two things, and he only had one, right? But my margin of time between things was so slim that I needed, like for me to be able to be where I needed to be on time, I had literally not 30 seconds to spare. And so by him forgetting the one thing, it cost it cost me like 45 seconds, but it cost me to be late. And so there was no margin. And um, and so that is definitely like a red flag to me that I need to reevaluate what's you know, the a couple of these particular things I'm involved in. Um also, so another thing that I notice when I'm overloaded is I start cutting corners on the things that matter. So I didn't meal prep, so we ate something that you know I had stashed for an emergency, right? Like, um, do you guys ever do you have those uncrustable sandwiches?

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Oh yeah, Macy likes those. She's my only kid that likes them.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

And so um we have a stash, like we have a stash of them. And sorry guys, my dog is barking. We have a stash of them for emergencies, right? Like, if you know me, like I I was like, I can't believe you wouldn't have those in your house. 40 different emergencies, okay. Let me tell you, over the last two weeks, we've had so many emergencies that all 24 of those sandwiches are gone. And I'm like, how are all of our emergency sandwiches gone? Like, but we're in survival mode over there. We are, and we have a couple weird things going on right now, so we we kind of are. Um sorry that I'm gonna just shut the door and fine, it's real life.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

Dogs bark, it's no big deal. I do. Well, I need a nap in the back of mine, so it's all right.

SPEAKER_00 26:31

I have a COVID puppy, so it's the end of the world when anybody even just looks at our house, the world is ending. Um, so anyways, um, so I start cutting corners though, right? And so, like, that's a huge red flag to me that in the last two weeks we've eaten 24 crestable um crucibles. Um yeah, it's just like okay, what but the good news is this the stress that I have going on right now, the extra things, they are temporary. But sometimes see, there I go justifying it, right? Like I'm justifying me being overloaded because I'm a high capacity mom and I can do it, so why not? Um but anyways, um bottom line, like when my systems start breaking down, I'm not in a full season. I am in an unsustainable overload season and it needs attention. Like the gaslight is on, pull over and take inventory and figure out a new a new um a new path.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

It's nice to know we're all human. We all do it 100%.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Um, so why do we feel guilty though saying no? Like what what do you think? Whether it's to the wedding or to the composer study or you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

I read a book, um like a met the year I took the year Macy I was pregnant with Macy, and it was all about the no year, something about no, it had the title. I can't even remember, it's probably on my bookshelf somewhere. I should go look. But it was shocking. I just took I read a book shocking, I know, but it was just like it basically gave you permission to say no, like it's okay then say no. And so I mean, that was Macy's 11, so I probably read it 12 years ago, and it's and it stuck with me that like it's okay to say no, like you don't have to say yes, like and I literally that was it was an entire year I said no to everything. We did nothing that year, it was just it was a year of no, and I called that was my like word of the year was no, like that was it, and that's okay, and but I had to like read a book to give myself permission to do that, like that's so stupid. Yeah, I don't know, I don't know why we feel guilty. I just think I think okay, a little bit I think it's because this thing wasn't even a problem way back then, but now everybody has it on social media and like you see all the things, and you know, and then if you say no to something, you're still gonna see it happening and somebody else doing it. So then you have you know the fo which I do not have FOMO, I'm very much not a FOMO person. I could care less anybody else that's doing it. My friend says, her husband says he has JOMO, he has the joy of missing out. Now sometimes I'm like, yep, that's me. I have joy in not being there for that. But I feel like it's really hard. Like, if you do say something, say no to something that you really wish you could go to or do, you're gonna see it, right? Like it's not like it's out of sight, out of mind. You're totally gonna see that person doing that thing. Like, we had to say no to beach camping this year for fall break because Cindy was having her baby, and so I said, No, we're not going anywhere doing she ended up not having her baby until the very end of the month. We could have gone, but I said no. And so my kids were mad at me, and they were like, This is, and then they saw all their friends in the pictures, and I was like, you know, it's just we can't say yes to everything, it just can't.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

No, I love that, and that's one of the things I have written too is fear of missing out um for my kids and for myself. I don't really have fear of missing out for me because I'm kind of on that I wrote that down just for that, because I'm kind of along those lines, but I have intense FOMO for my kids, and like that's just something that I'm I'm working through. But um, and I think also sometimes moms um overcommit because their whole identity is, and I'm not saying this is bad, but so much of their identity is absorbed is absorbed into being a mom. And that and I think that's I think there's a season for that actually. I I don't necessarily think that that's a wrong thing or a bad thing. I think there's seasons. Um and but this is one that was a big one for me is I'm a builder, so I see potential in everything. So I'm like, oh, that you know, karate lesson is so is so important. Like that's an important opportunity because my kiddo then may become a black belt, and I know that they may become a soldier or police officer, so then they're gonna be safer and they're gonna build their career. I mean, like, I'm building for my kids 20 years down the line. So um that part of my problem is like I can take everything and bring it to like here's just like an opportunity random, and all of a sudden, like they're the president of the United States because I put them in this class. Um and so all right, I don't do that. Uh yeah, problem. Um, and then the last one, and like I said, I think this goes back, and I know this is definitely true for me, and I think it's true for you too. Um, and we've already mentioned it, but is that we know we can make it work. So feeling no feels a little bit like we're wasting our ability. And so, um, yeah, and again, you're gonna see that with high capacity moms. Um, but also capacity doesn't equal calling, like just because we have the capacity to do it doesn't mean that we're we're called to do it either.

SPEAKER_01 31:42

Um, so uh just tied to that is that your yes isn't having to do with your worth, right? Just because like you do it. Like I think a long time ago, like that was what like that's how I showed my worth because I did it work, I stayed home, and you know what I mean. Sometimes it's but by doing all these things and being the head of this committee and doing leading this fundraiser and leading this, you know what I mean? Like doing all these things was how I like got validation, probably.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Yeah, no, absolutely. Um I have the world's worst memories. I can't remember if I read this in a book or if it was a podcast, but it was super recently and like in the last week, and the gal was talking about how if she um if she has to be rushed, she her answer is always no. So can she the example she gave was um she always goes to a 7 a.m. I think it was like a yoga class, but she had a friend call and say, Hey, I uh let's go to yoga together. Can you come with me at five? And she could have gone to the five o'clock class, but then it would have made she would have been rushed then after that to get all these other things done, or before it, I can't remember. Um, and I thought that was really interesting. And I haven't had quite enough time to like implement that or even fully process it, but I liked that idea because that's when like angry mom for me comes out when I'm when I'm late, when we're rushed. Rushed. And whether it's like we're rushed to clean for company or we're rushed to get to leave the house to go somewhere. Um, and so and I know that about myself, so I'm really intrigued about this idea of basing so much of my no on if I will be rushed, if this will cause me to be rushed or hurried, then my answer is no.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Something to think about.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

Um, this is a great conversation though. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

No, and some of these things I've written down, we've already kind of just naturally covered. Um so I I like this one though. So what for you, and we've talked about it a little bit, but maybe for more of a family aspect, what are some signs that your family needs more margin? Like, how do you recognize when you might be a little bit overscheduled, overloaded? How does that show up in your family?

SPEAKER_01 34:05

To me, it's when the drill sergeant comes out when I am I'm not enjoying anything and I'm just like managing everyone's schedules and times and like what what's happening, right? Like I'm not there's no downtime for me either, right? Like, because when they get overcrowded, that means I'm overcrowded, and so then I'm I'm not making time for any of those things. So that that to me, that's just kind of what I've learned. Like that's my trigger.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

No, that's feeling more than I really should or want to forever. You know what I mean? Like that, that to me, that's just how I manifest it. Like I just always I become very short and very grumpy and just very like, you know. I feel like I've outgrown as I've gotten older, but it was definitely an issue when that long time ago when I had little kids.

SPEAKER_00 34:54

Yeah, yeah. Um I I still get that way. Like if I I will turn into drill sergeant mode here and there, um, if like I said, especially when we're rushed, but if we're overloaded. So for me, and I still have little kids. Um, for me, kind of how those signs show up in the family are like we're always transitioning instead of just being present. Like we're always like we might be at an activity, right? But we're talking about what we're doing next. Or we're like, okay, you know, it's 10 minutes, then we have to go. Like, but we're always in that. Like the kids don't ever just get to rest. So that's like a red flag to me that okay, we need to reevaluate a little bit. Um kids resist things they normally enjoy. This is a really big one for me. So, like, if I'm like, what do you mean you don't want to go to like this? Just happened. Like, my daughter didn't want to go to mathnasium, which she loves. Like, well, what do you mean you don't want to go to Mathnasium? She loves it, she just wanted to be home. Well, we had an overnight sleep study last night. She had it was a beautiful day yesterday. We had to leave at three o'clock. She's been gone for you know, all yesterday evening, all overnight. This morning we went and had lunch with my sister, um, and she just hasn't been home. So, like, that was a big red flag to me. Like, okay, she is just like even so it might not even be a whole season, it could just be a day, you know. And had I so what that for me was self-reflecting, like, how could I have done that differently? And I wish that I had had the foresight to think about that she's gonna be away, and so I'm gonna cancel mathanasium for today. Um, but you know, by the time I put this all together, she had to leave for mathanasium. It was too late to cancel. Um, and so I'm always trying to recognize like triggers so that so then now the next time that we have something like that, or I know she has a really crazy day with appointments, then what can I cancel for her so that she can have downtime at home? Um and then we kind of already talked about this, but like those meals, rhythms, meals, my sandwiches, meals, rhythms, and routines will fall apart. Um and again, I think that like I said again, it's important to recognize that it's not always like everything in our world is overloaded. It might just be a week or a couple days, and you might just have to make some temporary adjustments, and that's okay to say, okay, well, we're gonna put this activity on pause while we get through this season. So um right now we're helping my mother-in-law with a move. Um, she's actually moving into our home with us, which we're really excited about. I really um a firm believer in in intergenerational living. Um, and so, but it's just a it's a really busy season right now. Um, and so I need to kind of reflect during this transition and say, okay, what could I put on pause for my kiddos for the next couple weeks so we all adjust? Because even though it's a very positive adjustment, it's still an adjustment. So, how can I um how can I uh change things up a little bit? Um and so this is another one that I wrote down, and I'll be interested to see if this is one for you that ever affects, but you're kind of this is one of your hills that I know you die on, so I don't know that it would affect you. But for me, like if we are being inconsistent with like our morning basket, then I know like, okay, we got too much going on. Um, if we're not being consistent with that, what you call family school.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

Yeah, that that's like almost a non-negotiable for me. Like, I will just say no. I just know between eight and nine a.m. I say no to everything, except that with an exception that tomorrow I have a dentist appointment at 8 a.m. And I had to say it because you kind of have to work around sometimes, which I very rarely do. Yeah, very this is probably the first time I've canceled family school for something like because normally I was just like no, but I there was no other time. Like I like they're just between their schedule and my schedule, there really was no other time. And so I told my kids yesterday, or when I got home from the dentist that I would have to go back at their life, I'm I was like, hey, so no family school on Wednesday, and they're like, Who died? Do we get to sleep in? Like, what's happening? Like, why? So and so then I know I like, oh, I'm doing something right. If they're like surprised that family school is canceled, like they know that like this is something we do every single day.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

Anyway, so I don't even remember what the question was, but oh, just the signs it is does it does your overwhelm ever affect that? And I assumed probably no because it's one of your hills that you'll die on.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

Um I have a number of things that are like that are not like you know, dinner's not negotiable, and I mean, and dinner might be pizza that we ordered in, like, but we still have it together, right? Um that family school, and that one to me, I think is probably the easiest because it like anchors the start of our day.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:40

So that one is probably the easiest to not I I I will own though, like when I started working, I wasn't very good about keeping those boundaries, and I would just try to like move family school around the meeting schedules, and it wasn't very successful. And that's when I was just like, nope, like this is just it, like at eight o'clock, like I everybody can live without me for an hour.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Yeah, no, for sure. And it's funny because this is again where we're not, you know, we we can be so opposite. Our morning basket isn't like a huge pillar in our homeschool. And it's kind of more of like a side thing, so it's just a little bit different. So that's awesome. Um, all right. So then um I'm because we're kind of running out of time here, we're not gonna keep anybody too long. Um so what would you say to the mom who feels like everyone else, like what your your advice to your younger self when it feels like, whether it's social media or chatting at co-op or you know, just whatever it is, what do you say to the mom who feels like everyone else is doing more?

SPEAKER_01 40:43

Well, everybody's more, it's different, right? Like I've I have had that problem a lot, not personally, but like the people look at me and like the things that I do, and they're like, How do you do those things? And how do you do those things? And and you're comparing like your life right now to like my life now, right? Like my life now, yes, I have seven kids, or even when my kids were all at home, like let's say I had a senior in high school down, right? They are comparing their like four little kids under the age of third grade to my seven kids. You know what I mean? Like, unless you have somebody who is literally has the exact same age and the exact same, but even still, your kids are gonna be different. Like, you can't compare because they're you're comparing apples to oranges. Like, I'm not even sure if I'm making any sense, but so many people compare, like they're like, Well, I only have four kids and you have seven, and you can bake bread and you can homeschool, and I can't even find somebody's shoes, but it's different, like your your kids are different, the ages are different. Your you know, my baby might sleep through the night, and your baby doesn't. Like, you can't, even if we had the same age babies, you know what I mean? Um, so I think that's why because you there's literally you just can't compare, like you you can't because no one's even identicals are not identical.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

Yeah, well, what's that saying? Um, comparison is the death of contentment, and it's so true. Um, so for me, uh one of the things that I stopped doing a long time ago, so I used to get that a lot too, like, well, how do you do it all? And one of the things I would get to is like, well, your house is is like, and it's and people who people who now probably laugh. Um, no, not really, but I do have a lot of pride in like cleaning my house well before company comes. And I used to have like if I was gonna have a mom play date, I my house would be spotless, like you could eat off my floor. But then I started realizing that it was setting a really unrealistic precedent for my friends, right? So then they didn't want to have me over because they thought, well, she's gonna judge me because you know, my house isn't very clean. Um, but what they didn't see was, you know, the three hours I spent scrubbing floors and cleaning before they arrived, right? And the drill sergeant mom who came out and everybody was cleaning, right, for this play date. And so I read something years ago that kind of triggered this line of thought and self-reflection. And it was then that I decided, okay, I can clean for guests, but I can't sour spotless for people. It's just not fair. Um, and so um I want it to be clean so that they're comfortable, um, but not so clean that they feel like I live in a museum. And so that was a change that I made. Um, and it really helped. It took a lot of pressure off of me, um, gave me a little anxiety, but still, still took a lot of pressure off from me. Um, and then another thing that came to my mind is I have a really good friend who lives in this beautiful home, right? Like this super large home. Um, absolutely gorgeous. And she shared with me one time that um she's had people come in and say, like, oh, your home is so beautiful, right? Like it's just um absolutely stunning. And she said, but you know what? They didn't see the tin boxes we lived in to get here. Like her husband was military. And um so they lived in like all kinds of and and they were really poor at one time, right? Like most of us uh were at one time in our adult lives. And she's like, it doesn't, they just didn't see all of the like all the steps that it took to get here, right? Um, and I think about that too. I talk with my kids a lot, like where they'll say, Oh, look at that really nice car that this so-and-so has. And I said, Yeah, but you know what you can't see is the debt tag that they're dragging around, you know. And um, so that's what I think is that people see. So when you when you have a mom who feels like everyone else is doing more, they're seeing the highlights, right? They're seeing the highlights of whatever that mom wants you to see, or that is kind of more public-facing, but they aren't seeing the trade-offs, right? They say, Oh yeah, this mom is running this amazing co-op, but maybe what they don't see is that they haven't had a family dinner together in months because she's so busy organizing this co-op. And so I think it's just important to remind ourselves that we don't see the full picture. Um, and so compare there's just no room for comparison um or jealousy or anything like that. Um, and just because something is good for one family doesn't mean that it's gonna be right for ours.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

Yeah, and each season is different. I feel like that's the other thing is you need to let yourself have your season. Like this is my season for a clean house, and this might be my season that the laundry is piled up really high because you know, I mean, it just it it it ebbs and flows and it goes and changes.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

Yeah, I agree, and that was exactly what I was thinking um that we would end on is this discussion about seasons and just remind moms that it might not, like you said, might not be your season for a clean house, an immaculate house. Hopefully, it's clean, but not immaculate. Um it might not be right, it might not even be your season that you guys are eating dinner together every night. Strive for it, but it just might not be your season. It might not be your season for composer curriculum. Um, it might not be your season for that co-op, right? Because you have a brand new baby. Um, I had a friend who had to leave our co-op because her kiddo had to go through chemo. It wasn't, and it was heartbreaking, shattering for them, right? Because they were kind of in some ways distancing themselves from their community their their score system, but it just wasn't their season, right? We were in in COVID and chemo suppresses your immune system, and it was just not their season to get co-op. And guess what? He they came back next year, the next year, and when they were off chemo. Um, and so just recognizing that we can't do all things, and even if we can, doesn't mean we should. Um, so just embrace the season you're in and uh try to have joy and be grateful for what you have going on and don't fall into that trap of overcommitting yourself because your entire family pays that price. Any part of your brain, this too shall pass.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

Yes, this too shall pass, right? If you're in a hard season, you're not there forever. It's just a season.

SPEAKER_00 46:58

And it goes by so fast. And I think I I I heard this thing and I remind myself of it all the time. When we are all 80 years old, right, and we um are reflecting back on our lives, and we would trade everything in the world, all the money in our bank account, all of the status we may or may not have, um, all of the people's opinions. We trade all of that for just 10 minutes back in the chaos of our lives with littles. So embrace the season. It goes by really, really fast. Just enjoy your kids um and and say no once in a while. All right, all right. That was great. Thank you. Bye, everybody.