The Art of Forgiving
Navigating The Nuances of Trauma and The Path Towards Forgiving Ourselves and Others
The Art of Forgiving
Part 2: Left Behind
This episode contains material that may be disturbing to some listeners. Listener discretion is advised.
In this continuation of my personal story, I take you through the aftermath of childhood trauma, family separation, and the mental health crisis that became my unexpected turning point.
I also talk about my "era of wrath", that phase where anger feels like power and calling people out seems like justice, yet something still feels empty inside? I've been there, working three jobs plus school, losing dangerous amounts of weight, and lashing out at those closest to me. In this episode, I dive into what life looked like after I realized I had to pull myself together in order to come back to myself.
When we heal, we become the people we needed when we were suffering—and there's no greater gift we can offer the world.
Hello everyone, welcome to the Art of Forgiving podcast. My name is Shay, and this week we're going to go ahead and continue where we left off last week, but in a bit of a different format. Last week I gave my story with some applications sprinkled in. This week I really want to get through the parts of my story that I want to get through and we can do some applications after, and I overall just want this week to be more encouraging than anything, more uplifting than anything, especially coming from such a low place. So I will go ahead and continue.
Speaker 1:Last week I told you all how I had been sent to an all-girls Christian home due to my behavior and the relationships that were born out of that experience. So now I want to go ahead and pick up on the part where I came back. I did come back and things were pretty good for a while. I was behaving very well. I wasn't really doing anything too exciting or out there. I had started working and I'd started going to church again also, and not too long after.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, I guess, depending on how you look at it, but pretty soon after I had found out that my loved one had decided to go move with my abuser. Basically, my whole family was leaving, my closest family was leaving, and at the time it didn't really hurt, it didn't cause me to have any episode or anything. I was just like, okay, I kind of knew this is where things were going. He wasn't a US citizen, so, this being his second instance with the law not necessarily the same situation, but nevertheless, nevertheless, criminal charges again so he was to be deported and after serving his time in the States, he was to move. So my family had decided to go with him and for about eight years I believe, I was here, not necessarily alone, I had, you know, extended family here that you know made sure I didn't feel completely alone and everything. But you know, day to day it was me myself and I and I did a lot of growth in that period, as well as a lot of period as well as a lot of bad coping mechanisms.
Speaker 1:At one point I had three jobs and was going to school full-time, and I never had less than two jobs, but at one point I had three and was going to school full-time, like I said, and it was so much so that pretty much took up all of my time, obviously, and once the move was actually made. It made the cushion a bit easier, and by easier I now understand that just meant easier to deal with. So I will definitely get into later why I say that. But for the sake of the story, I want to go ahead and continue. I eventually found a very good job that paid me very well and I didn't need multiple jobs, so I was able to do that job and go to school. And that took up a few years of my time and during that time I was able to start reflecting on things and really thinking about them.
Speaker 1:So in 2020, when my family had decided to move back not so perfect timing just in my, you know, human mind frame but it definitely was extremely refining to be going through all of those feelings and then have my family be moving back. And there was one incident in particular. Me and my family, along with other I guess extended family members, are pretty close, but just to paint an accurate picture, we had all gone to Universal Studios and this was, I believe, the first family fun trip since my loved ones had moved back from the island. And I remember sitting down with my loved one just, you know, listening to her vent about the situations that led up to them moving back to the States and how things didn't work out with her and her husband because of infidelity and all of that. And I remember one thing that she said that was essentially the instigator for the horrible behavior that I exhibited like a year after, for the whole entire year after.
Speaker 1:I heard this comment and I do take responsibility, but I want us to be able to get comfortable with saying what we are and are not proud of, because they're all essential to telling our story. And if I were to just tell you guys that I heard this thing and I took it to the chin and I just kept it inside and all my behavior was just because of me, that would be me doing this story an injustice and also just be a bold-faced lie because I did not handle it well. And even when we give ourselves grace and we forgive ourselves and we ask for forgiveness for how we've acted, we can still verbalize what was okay and what was not okay, not just with others but ourselves also. This gives us accountability and it ensures that we protect ourselves from ourselves in the future when we are in contentious situations or, you know, just stressful situations period, we can assess how we've acted before and not act that way again. But that first comes with taking accountability, even if it does kind of taste sour at first because you're like, well, this person did this to me and, yeah, you know it does suck, but I hope that you hear what I'm about to tell you. You know it does suck, but I hope that you hear what I'm about to tell you and know that it should be finally have a reason to leave him.
Speaker 1:And in my mind the first thing that popped up was I mean, technically, what he did to me was also infidelity melody, so that definitely was secular grounds and biblical grounds for you to leave him. But that was, of course, just in my head and I just stood quiet when she said that. But it felt like there was an incredible ringing in my ears and like a true ringing in my ears and like a true ringing in my ears at the moment. But then it rang and reverbed through my thoughts for a very long time after that. It affected how I had built the image I had of myself, because I had built up a lot of confidence and up until that point. And then, with that comment, I started to really I guess subconsciously reshape how I viewed myself and I no longer. Eventually, I had no longer felt confident. I felt very defensive all the time, like nothing I could do was good enough, and I would just keep hearing those words in my mind I finally have a reason to leave him. I finally have a reason to leave him not feeling like I was reason enough and she didn't intentionally feel that way.
Speaker 1:And though you can see someone's intentions and either choose to see past them or to just accept them, I believe you can also just see them, and I feel like this is super important. When you are having issues like this with a family member or just someone that you care deeply about, that you know you shouldn't or don't want to completely cut out of your life. In order to do that in a healthy way for you and your boundaries is, you have to see a person for what their actions and what their words are, while learning how to not excuse them and how to encroach on your boundaries if they continue to say certain things. So I hope that makes sense. You have to really see someone for who they are good and bad before you're able to determine if that's something you want to allow in your life or you don't want to allow in your life.
Speaker 1:And in this particular situation, I know this person loves me very, very much and they're just in a venting state and I know that I've said things just off the top of my head that weren't necessarily very cool in a situation, just not thinking of it, not thinking anything of it. However, when it's being said to you, it's, of course, a little easier to pick up on, or not? You know, we can initially just think. You know, just think out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, which is true, absolutely true. But are those things intended to harm us or is that just human error in action? And I don't say that to guilt people or, you know, guilt my loved one but we have to be able to say, if not to that person, at least to ourselves, that it was human error, poor human behavior, and not out of hatred, because there are things that are said out of hatred and then there are things that are said just because we're dumb human beings sometimes, and it's important to differentiate. I'll just leave that there. Yeah, I'll just leave that there, but I want to go ahead and start to explain the things that I've started doing after that trip A lot of self-medication and even more anger issues.
Speaker 1:I even one time had cracked her windshield one day because I was kicking and screaming in the car. I wanted to be let out. There was an argument over someone I care about so deeply and was very defensive and was not handling it or not expressing myself in a healthy way. I do what I think a lot of people do when they don't feel heard and they don't really understand healthy coping mechanisms. You just kind of flare up and lash out, and it's not typical behavior of me to shout and it's not typical behavior of me to, you know, be violent or any of that.
Speaker 1:But during this period of time I was truly draining myself. I had gone from a heavier weight to a much, much lower like lost an entire person amount of weight Due to, of course, other things as well. I'd gone through a pretty bad breakup and, you know, on top of all of this I was just not taking care of myself in any way, shape or form. And one day I had just reached a low point. I thought that I was just done with life and couldn't handle anymore, and my best friend, slash life partner, had decided to let my loved one know what was going on and she decided to have me baker acted, which I know that kind of sounds negative in the way I'm like wording it, but I don't really know how else to word it. So just go with me here. I don't mean it in a negative way. If you have a family member who's going through something like that and that's the course of action that you wish to take, I absolutely encourage you to do so, because the experience that I had was pretty helpful. I know it's not that way for everybody, but my experience was really helpful and what I needed in that moment.
Speaker 1:So what had happened during that Baker Act visit is the. It was voluntary. They asked me if I wanted to. Because of the assessment it wasn't necessary that I do so, but I decided to do it and during the visit I told the social worker, just unloaded everything to her, everything that happened in my life and what had happened to me, and I had to give this statement to the prosecution. And so I was sitting in this attorney's office and I forgot exactly what was being asked of me or what was being said. But I do remember telling her this, the same thing that I kept telling everyone who spoke to me about the situation and it was. I forgive him and love him because that's what God would want.
Speaker 1:And at this point that I'm saying it to her, I can, for the first time, feel how rehearsed it sounded. No one fed these words to me outright and directly, but it was kind of the narrative that I was surrounded with. A 13-year-old is not going to control her entire narrative around the abuse that happened to her for years. That she took on quietly, and I feel like that's an important thing to remember when you are reflecting back on a time in your life where you've gone through a similar situation and justice is being served. Thank God if you did get justice in your situations and I love you and I'm so sorry if you have never gotten justice in your situations circumstances especially at such a young age too.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to not go with what you know, what you're raised around, and for me that was the church and not necessarily like the church, but you know we had gone to some legalistic churches, so that's kind of what I mean. It was very rules and you know corners and all of that, so it just wasn't something that I felt I could be like no, like I am hurt, like this sucks, why is he still in our driveway, you know? Why are you still with him, like, why, why, you know? So those are obviously feelings that I had way after the fact and didn't do much for me at the moment. So when I did sit down with that attorney lady, I kind of just knew from her face that it was evident that I had been conditioned a certain way, and I don't mean any of this in a negative light. I love the women that I grew up around. They really were prayer soldiers for me and everything. I'm just telling the story how it is. It's conditioning and it doesn't mean necessarily a bad thing or a good thing in this situation. It just means that this is the reason why I had this perspective at this age.
Speaker 1:But it did start to crumble once I saw her face and I realized that it was okay for me not to feel this way, that it actually was normal to not give grace to your abuser and it was okay that I was uncomfortable with the situation. So when I saw a very similar look on the social worker's face many years after I sat with the attorney, I just recognized again that it's okay that I was feeling all of these things again, that it's okay because it's a crazy story, it's very hurtful. We can sit and compare stories because I've done that to myself before, like, oh, I didn't go through this so it's not as bad. But the psychological aspect and the familial aspect of my trauma is very heavy and it is very difficult to carry and difficult to navigate, especially by myself. I wasn't in therapy, you know. So I thank that social worker for speaking with me and, you know, giving me empathy and basic tips on how to cope. That just gave me a foundation for when I did go back home the next day. And I know both of those women were genuinely caring and my story stopped them in their tracks in a place where they hear similar stories all the time.
Speaker 1:And there just came a point where I just couldn't live in that state of mind anymore. I couldn't just stay in the sympathy and the empathy and, you know, all those things that I tried to carry with me during that extremely difficult period of time where I was like really realizing everything as an adult and all of that. I found myself just kind of existing in what was me, and for a while. If that's where you need to stay, then stay there for a little bit, but don't stay there too long, because it's really important that you do get out of that. And eventually I just had to stop feeling sorry for myself and move my mind into a state of understanding because, yeah, I absolutely feel like I had every right to feel sorry for myself for a while. What had happened to me in my life has been insane. This is just one story and with just the entirety of everything that I'd gone through, I thought I well deserved a pity party and I definitely gave myself one for a long time, and I think it's just natural to go through that.
Speaker 1:I don't want anyone to be disappointed in themselves for going through that, but just recognize that's not a place where we want to think that that is a top state of healing, because it's really not. It's just a very, very first baby step and sometimes a lot of us have only really known darkness and danger. So if we're not careful we can get stuck in the twisted comfort, I guess you could say, of anger, of being angry and all that A lot of people who are like me. They suppress and suppress until it all finally rushes out and thus comes the era of wrath, and again, for a lot of us it feels like we're reclaiming our power by raining down with that wrath and we initially may feel strong and abashed and like we're just really coming into our final form as far as healing goes. You know, we start to really feel like titans of our trauma and there we tend to cut off, to ignore people blissfully, or to call people out or to shame people. You know, the list really goes on, you know.
Speaker 1:But if we're not, if we were not given the justice we feel we deserve, we often opt out to dish it ourselves. And that is God's job. For a reason it's a job too heavy for us to really handle, because what happens when we try to shame or we try to call out people that's my dog and we try to call out people? We are often especially when it's family who's older than us. You know, we really tend to not either not be taken seriously or it's just not ever really received. Well, it's just not.
Speaker 1:And the reason why we have to lay it all down is because God has the tools to do that. God has the tools for a rebuke and God has the tools for calling someone to repentance and has the tools for transformation. God has the tools for calling someone to repentance and has the tools for transformation, has the tools for comfort, for peace, for joy, for everything. So, of course, those are things we want to achieve, but we just have to, you know, lay the groundwork in ourselves and pray to hope that, whatever's going on with that other person, they get dealt with according to God's will, because if they are dealt with according to our will, then we're just really, you know, digging them a grave for them to climb into themselves, you know, as what we think is justice, but it's not, and it distracts us from the work that we have to be doing in ourselves in order to create a healthier environment around us, whatever that may look like.
Speaker 1:You know, like I said in the previous episode, reconciling and forgiveness doesn't always mean that you will just have this happy life with everyone you love in it and everyone's going to act how you want them to, and all of that. Sometimes it means that you have boundaries and you have to keep people at a certain distance, but you are only really truly able to do that once you have no malice in your heart for this person. You understand them, them because once you get to that point, then anything that they try to do or anything that tries to come your way, you can see coming from a mile away and you're still able to stand firm in your boundaries, in your prayer and your devotions, and understand where God wants something to happen. There are so many ways that he's going to try to make it happen. And we have to be on guard, even with our very closest loved ones, even with ourselves, so that we're not getting caught up again in the cycle of hatred and blame and shame and all of that.
Speaker 1:So that's why I even say that we have to move past the wrath era, and I really am here to assure you that it's not the final form of healing. It's really not, because when I was in that era, I feel like I destroyed a lot of relationships and, yes, it was out of pain that had been caused to me, you know, but what it really was was me not being educated on how to regulate myself so that I did not destroy my interpersonal relationships. We can either choose to let these things build us or allow our trauma to define our identity, and we can't continue to do that. We cannot exist under the label of trauma. We have to learn how to function through our story. So I feel like the first step of forgiveness-based healing is just recognizing that we can no longer abuse our nervous system just because we ourselves have been abused.
Speaker 1:When we argue with people, when we belittle others and beg for our voice to be heard because that's really what we want, right, we want to be heard, and it comes out in many different ways, but that's what we want at the end of the day. But when we choose negative ways to do that, we are recoding our nervous system to reach a new level of survival in the same situation that we, on a subconscious level, are trying to escape from. It's like finally choosing fight over flight after years of going into flight mode, you know. So, instead of elevating, we choose to just keep existing in this survival mode, bouncing between fight or flight, instead of elevating past it, and we can't continue to do that. I know I've said that so many times, but it's just so much better when you finally remove yourself from the situations that cause us to even raise the question of how to survive in the first place. You know, when we choose to ignore or cut someone off without first going through the healing steps towards forgiveness. We are truly just putting our situations in a tiny mental box and putting them into little mental closets in our little mental houses. And this box, though it's small, though it's tiny, will always be there just to remind you of everything that's still unfinished. It'll always be there, echoing to you from that closet. And we have to finally take the contents out of that box and take it to a donation center. We got to take it a good will. We have to do is take those contents of the box, clean them up, look for all the reasons, look for all the lessons that it may have taught us and then, when all that is done, once it's crystal clear, all the processing is done, then we can take it to a donation center where it can be used by someone else who really needs it.
Speaker 1:And I know that I have friends who don't believe in God or maybe even hate God for things that have happened to them, and just things that have happened around the world. You know, I understand the world is very scary and I've often heard the question you know where is God? Often heard the question you know where is God. But I want to share my theory with you and I want you all to remain pretty open-minded and okay. So we can all feel the presence of God, whether we know it or not, in beautiful things like the sky, the stars, the ocean, and we can even feel like the presence of God, or even angels, in everyday interactions with, like an especially kind person or just a kind gesture. But we can also feel the presence of hell in other situations, in my belief.
Speaker 1:I don't hear this talked about a lot. To me it kind of just makes sense, but I don't really hear people talk about the reality of hell on earth. I hear a lot of heaven on earth and all of that, but I really think that since we live in such a spiritual realm well, there's such a spiritual realm around us then the essences of heaven and hell are right here on earth with us, and I think also a lot of people believe in like alternate realities existing all at once, and I feel like they're onto something there. I do feel like that is what's going on here and since this has been, you know, earth has been dubbed, you know, like Satan's playground, it would just make sense that evil situations are, in fact, the predominant presence felt around us, because we exist in a place that was meant for good and was turned evil. And it's like trying to get red wine out of a white rug. It's very difficult, very difficult. It's not just gonna be wiped out with one swipe of a wipe, it's gonna take a lot of time. And the rug was, you know, clean to begin with, and now there's red wine on it, and now we have a problem to fix and I hope you guys are understanding what I'm trying to say, but it's not like too metaphorical.
Speaker 1:But, for example, take children. I feel like children are a huge target of the devil. So many things happen to children, so, so, so many things. And even in the Bible it describes how precious children are and you know how to protect them. And especially in 1 Peter 5.8, when Peter's talking about how the enemy is always seeking someone to devour, about how the enemy is always seeking someone to devour. It would just make sense that this is why children are fed so many things that they shouldn't be. And I don't just mean like food, obviously. I mean you know games and TV shows and all of those things. You know where they've just been fed so many things that have been normalized, and why else would that be other than an enemy coming to seek and destroy? You know how many people have we seen be devoured, even beyond just children, just everyone by abuse, addiction, disease and just every evil thing that's been unleashed on this earth like a red wine stain.
Speaker 1:I do encourage us to look at God as the presence that combats this evil. I used to, really, truly in my heart and if you know me personally and you have talked to me through some of my darkest moments, you know I thought God hated me. I thought God was using me as a stepping stone for other people to get closer to him, but I was dirty washrags I'm not just saying that for this, you know, podcast. I truly, with all my heart, thought God hated me to my core, and now that I've decided to change my perspective and see myself in a different light, I can now understand that my soul was just essentially rendered more helpless.
Speaker 1:As a child, you know just, I feel like there's a level of protection that should come in a family. That's why God designed families a certain way and that, when you know honored correctly, when you honor god correctly in a family unit, it's more likely that children are safer. But when it comes and this is why the devil loves breaking up, uh, families, single mothers, single grandmothers raising their children, these one parental homes leave children so so prone or susceptible, I don't know so easily targeted by evil. And that does not mean that the parent themselves embraced this evil, allowed it into their lives. It's just that the devil did it that way on purpose.
Speaker 1:When someone's keeping guard at a campsite in the olden days or whatever, how I've seen in movies, one person stays up to keep watch and the other one sleeps. Who is allowing this parent, or whoever it may be taking care of their child, to rest? If they're doing it on their own, I can't imagine. I cannot imagine and you know, it's just a matter of fact that life is extremely more difficult in single-parent homes. That is, who gets targeted the most? First it's the husband and wife. Most First it's the husband and wife. Then it trickles down to the children and leaves them unprotected. It's like a game. It's like a spiritual game of chess, you know. The enemy seeks to take out the king and the queen and everyone else gets obliterated in the process. You know like. It's just how this, how spiritual warfare works. They usually can't just boom attack a child who has, you know, god-fearing parents like. It's very, very, very, very difficult for a child to be hurt when the image of God is being recreated obediently on earth.
Speaker 1:And I don't mean that in a way to like say anything negative towards single parents. I just mean the reason why this is happening is because the devil has attacked every aspect of the family dynamic in today's culture, never mind the, you know, just the children being born out of casual sex or whatever the case may be. Even that itself is something that I wish we as a society, and especially my generation, took more seriously. You know, these are the situations that kind of easily create. You know vulnerable family units, but even more so past that, once you have a husband and a wife and problems arise. Those are all darts, all darts towards the family unit to try to get to the child.
Speaker 1:And I just want everyone to keep that in mind when they are observing other people's behavior. Know that we are under spiritual attack all the time and you don't have to. I keep saying you do not have to excuse anyone's behavior, not a single person. Everything I'm saying is so that you have a better understanding of forgiveness for you. This does not mean that you have to go and give your energy to people who don't understand what you're trying to do in your life yet. I don't want you to go out and get exhausted trying to teach these things to other people, or, you know, go and try to mend relationships.
Speaker 1:Right now, I feel like the Lord is telling me to tell you all what he's been telling me, and that is do it for you, do it for you and do it for me, as in God, that's all he wants. Do it for you and do it for me. Everything else is sinking sand, and so I just hope that that encourages you, because the God-given family dynamic isn't just like some conservative mumbo jumbo. You know, it is truly. Two loving parents in a loving and protected home is already an amazing fortress. Two parents in a loving home, led by God, through prayer, through love, through acceptance, through comfort, through understanding, is the key. So I just want you guys to take that with you, have, you know, just an opportunity to see what a child's life can look like when they have that fortress of protection around them.
Speaker 1:And God truly is the king of alchemy, because that is not the perspective that I had before, because it's easy looking back now and seeing how I was an easy target as a child, you know, growing up in a single parent home and all of that. But my role, regardless of the principles of forgiveness and Christianity that had been taught to me as a child, my role didn't become apparent to me until I saw that God really is the king of alchemy and the enemy, like sees, who's born on earth and pretty much immediately starts seeking to destroy him Because before he even saw us on earth, he knows that God formed us in his image, saw us on earth. He knows that God formed us in his image and the devil knows that we are literally born with a purpose that was predetermined way before conception and the enemy fights very hard to never allow that. He said I can't have that. Never allow God's grace to be shared on earth, that Never allow God's grace to be shared on earth. That's what he's trying to avoid. The kingdom come.
Speaker 1:But my story, I know now is my armor and it's my strength, and it's always been my armor and my strength, even when I thought that I was desolate and lonely and weak and unprotected. I was so protected. Such a big plan for me, even if, to me, a big plan is just coming. On the other side of this, without hating anybody or without having any anger in my heart, I feel pretty great, you know. So whatever God has done to get me to this point is a triumph to me. And His presence has just been an armor since day one. And he knew he made a soldier in me. God knew he made me a soldier. He knew what I would be after I fought and fought hard against myself and everyone else. He knew I would still maintain that fighting spirit and be able to alchemize it to his glory. He knew he made a young girl with a big heart who would grow one day into a young woman with a big mouth, to now a daughter of God in my identity, daughter of a king in my identity.
Speaker 1:And I understand now that the kingdom is here. Now, with what's been happening around the world, it's like a beautiful giant revival. Kingdom is here and we have work to do now. And why would any commander hand us a sword and a spear without first having years of training, without first having years of training, years of understanding, years of understanding how to take the traumas that we've gone through and make them a weapon against the enemy. And by that, a weapon against the enemy could just mean being a shoulder to cry on for someone who's never heard this perspective before, who's caught up in this cycle of hatred and understands that they still have room to heal, but they don't understand how They've never been shown how God is truly. Only that God is this, you know, king on a throne who dictates things and ignores other things, because that's a big picture that's been painted about our God and it's not.
Speaker 1:We've been fighting a battle for a very long time, a very long time, and I know because my soul feels it. I feel like my soul has been fighting a battle for lifetimes and now I finally am so happy that I find strength not in wrath, not in raining down. What I feel is justice on those who've wronged me, not in raining down. What I feel is justice on those who've wronged me, but in sharing my story with others who feel the same as I did before but are unsure of where to go because the world doesn't help. The world tells you go out and get a shot of tequila, go out and smoke a blunt. I don't know if I could say that, on here, go out and do this to clear your problems. You know, and I'm not without my vices, you know.
Speaker 1:But when we are being told that this is the answer and this is the answer, and this is the answer, but we still find ourselves crying in bed because we are so lonely, we are in so much pain and we don't know why we're just so sad. Everything is going good, everything is going bad. I'm still sad. Through it all. That is what the world has to offer, because they're empty. And I'm not saying that I don't go and have a glass of wine. I love wine, but, for an example, I know I kind of start thoughts and then switch over to sub thoughts, but just bear with me In revival.
Speaker 1:This week at my church, one of the pastors was saying that there are so many things that the world can offer us that can feel so good. Sin feels so good, but it's so, so empty. And I know that's probably something a lot of us have heard time and time again. But I really hope that, coming from someone like me who is and you can ask my friends, I don't judge. I've always been the friend who's there, no matter what choices my friends were making because I love them, love my babies. I love them so much and I know how it feels to be deserted because other people don't agree with my decisions and I could not do that to anyone else, you know.
Speaker 1:So, given that, understand that I'm not saying stop this and stop that. I'm not going to tell you to do that, but what I am going to tell you is we have to try something else, babe. We got to try something else. We got to put the bottle down for one weekend. We got to try maybe going out in nature and just maybe look and see what the Bible has to say. Just try it, just try, even just try praying. You know We'll get. We'll definitely get to the Bible, but we'll get to it in a second.
Speaker 1:First, just try praying, just try, just try to visualize a God in heaven, a God around you, surrounding you, a God that exists in the good that we see in people, a God that exists in the beauty of a mountain, a God that exists in the beauty of a waterfall, the God that exists in the beauty of a waterfall, god that exists in the power of a sermon, the power that exists in the innocence of a child, that these are the places that you will find God and you will stop seeking comfort and peace because you will have found it. I really pray that for everybody, because it feels so secure and I feel so much more alive and awake now that I understand that everything that I've gone through in life was for this very moment, so that I could tell people that this is not the end for you. This is the beginning of your healing. This is just the start, and even if you don't have a relationship with God that I'm trying to encourage you to have, that I'm trying to encourage you to have. I pray that you at least take the thoughts of forgiveness that I'm sharing with you and apply it, because you are going to find God there. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, not sorry, but in healing, in forgiveness, you will find God. You will find God because that's who it exists, through Everything that we have in this world, even if you do not believe in God. I am sorry to tell you, but that grace you gave that person, that truth you told when it was hard, that kind gesture that you gave to that person who you know they didn't deserve it, that smile you gave a stranger when you felt like they needed it, that hug that someone gave you when you needed it, that is all God. You when you needed it, that is all God. That is all creator and creation. And that's the whole reason I'm doing this podcast is because, like I said earlier, I understand that the kingdom is here and now and that we have work to do, and that the enemy has been attacking us this whole entire time, but the battle's already been won by God through soldiers to do, and that the enemy has been attacking us this whole entire time, but the battle's already been won by God through soldiers who were formed before the enemy even started trying.
Speaker 1:At the revival nights at my church this week, one of the other pastors told a story of how he woke up still drunk and high from the night before sleeping on a dirty apartment floor when God spoke to him and asked him how much longer he was going to keep doing this to himself. I want you to keep that in mind, because we usually people who don't usually go to church or, you know, aren't religious they think of God speaking as like this big, booming voice. So people might be looking for a specific voice of God or a sign from God that looks like this image that the world has created of God, when, in reality, god is going to speak to you in a way that you can understand and you better believe that. God's going to show you what you need to see in yourself, exactly how you need to see it. He's not going to shame you, he's not going to scream your transgressions from the mountaintop, but he'll meet you in silence and be like hey, dude, what's going on? How much longer are you going to make me chase you? I've got great stuff waiting for you. I'm not going to get tired, but you are. You're going to run thin and I got a lot waiting for you once you're ready. That's how God is. That's how it was for me and that's how it was for this pastor.
Speaker 1:This pastor went on to help in the youth, even when he had just started going to church, and you know he felt unprepared for use. God started using him soon. Anyways. That's what your story is doing. That's what your story is doing. That is exactly why you have been given the life that you've been given.
Speaker 1:There is no reason why your pain should be without purpose. No reason. We have to give it purpose. We have to see how we can take everything that's been done to us, or everything that we've gone through, every choice that we've made, and alchemize it through prayer, through community, through love, through grace, through comfort. This is why myself and others who've gone through crazy things feel the need to share their story. We have been through significant amounts of stress and heartache, and so has our neighbor you, me, joe down the block, katie up the road, all of us and we're still built to be the people that we always needed. We just need to take time within ourselves to discover that we have it in us to not be victims anymore, but to have our own capes for ourselves. We have a Savior, we have a God who saved us out of darkness, but we have to do the work to make sure it doesn't just stop with us, because as soon as it stops with us, the devil starts with someone else, just like clockwork. We have been and are still being formed to be the body of Christ in comfort, in peace and definitely in testimony. That is the name of this podcast, the name of this game testimony. Bring God your testimony. Let that be the blimp in the sky that shows people that the pain that you once felt they do not have to feel. You once felt they do not have to feel.
Speaker 1:There was a particular night not too long ago that I was crying out to God to please fill my cup. I was so empty, I didn't have any more. I didn't, you know, feel like I did before, when I was Baker Acted, but my cup was empty and I just, I didn't have any more. I felt particularly lonely and next day I was filled. I was absolutely just full of the Spirit and that's been thank God. That's been.
Speaker 1:What's been happening with me lately is, if I'm feeling a certain way, I pray, I put on maybe a sermon or just some worship music promises. That's my jam and God meets me there and I have just been having to do work of clearing any ill feelings I've had toward anybody, just truly taking time to let things go, and I've been extremely blessed. I thank God so much for the ways that he's blessed me and even just meeting me where I've been, all the extra blessings I just dance and sing praise for. But the one thing that I truly feel in my soul is the best gift is that he met me where I was when I told him my cup was empty, that who else has ever done that for me? Every time I asked, every time I ask, every time I ask, it's just, it's supernatural, it really is. And even thinking back to when I was a teenager, the nights that I would sneak out, nothing would happen to me. You know that was God keeping me hidden. Those times when I was abused, god wept for me, yet he already had a punishment planned for my abusers.
Speaker 1:If we accept the existence of God, we also have to accept the existence of the enemy, and if we accept the work of miracles, we also have to accept the perpetration of evil. The influence of one unfortunately precedes the influence of the other. Because of what use is venom if it doesn't have something to sink into? Because of what use is venom if it doesn't have something to sink into? Do we want to allow the toxins to seep into all aspects of our life until we die to everything we can live for, or do we choose to fully extract the poison and live the most fulfilling life we can live?
Speaker 1:Please, don't let your trauma rob you of your purpose. It's the reason for it, it's the entire reason for it, and I know it hurts and it's the worst and it's so painful and there's so much hatred that you don't know what to do with, but it's the reason for your purpose. It doesn't make it okay, it doesn't excuse your abusers, but what it does do is elevates you above the situations that they caused. You can eventually begin to transform your life by just simply diving back into that box, cleaning off the content so you can clearly see its lessons, so that one day someone can finally use the pain that you experienced to help them heal their own pain.
Speaker 1:I love you guys so much. I pray for you. I pray that you enjoyed this episode and that it was helpful. I encourage you to check back in next week and for this week, my encouragement is just to last week or last episode is to be patient with yourself. I hope you were more patient with yourself this week. Try to be more patient with others. Try to bite your tongue a little more. Take a little longer before you speak. Again. I love you guys and I'll catch you next time.