30: From Nice to Confident: How Executive Directors Take Back Authority

Leading with Confidence Series #2

What happens when your desire to be a kind, supportive leader starts costing your team more than it helps?

In this episode, we unpack a pattern many executive directors quietly fall into…holding onto the wrong person for too long in the name of being fair, loyal, or “nice.” What starts as good intention can slowly erode trust, morale, and performance across your entire organization.

Through a real client story, you’ll see how one high-performing but disruptive team member created ripple effects that impacted retention, engagement, and leadership credibility, and what finally changed when the CEO stopped protecting the wrong priority.

This isn’t about becoming harsh. It’s about leading with clarity, protecting your team, and making decisions that strengthen your culture over time.

If you’ve ever felt stuck between being liked and being respected…this episode will hit close to home.

Takeaways:

•  One high-performing but misaligned team member can quietly damage your entire culture 
•  Delaying hard decisions often costs your strongest staff the most 
•  Confidence in leadership comes from clarity, not people-pleasing 
•  “Clear is kind” isn’t just a phrase...it’s a leadership standard 
•  Protecting your team matters more than protecting one individual 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to Nonprofit CEO Spark, the podcast for bold leaders ready to navigate growth and change with energy and confidence. I'm Marcia Beckner, Nonprofit Founder, former Executive Director, and Culture Stratist with nearly 20 years in the social impact world. Each week, I help nonprofit leaders stop spinning out, set boundaries, and design inclusive cultures where all staff can thrive. If you're ready to reignite your leadership without sacrificing your well-being, hit subscribe and let's spark your next chapter together. We are continuing our series of what it really means to lead your nonprofit with confidence and conviction. Today we're tackling a topic that impacts most of us out there, most of us people pleasers who want to be nice and liked. But you know, there's a moment I see happen with a lot of nonprofit CEOs and executive directors that doesn't get talked about very often, but it quietly creates a lot of damage inside organizations. And it usually starts from that really good place. It starts with wanting to be a good leader who's liked, a kind leader, a fair leader, someone who gives people chances. So I was working with a CEO of an educational nonprofit organization recently, and the CEO found herself in this exact situation. She was the nicest person on the planet, seriously. She had it, but she had a team member, we'll call her Emma, who on paper was a high performer. Emma cared deeply about the students. She showed up for the mission, she got results, and that made the situation really complicated because at the same time, Emma was consistently disrespecting her colleagues. She was undermining them in conversations, she was creating unnecessary tension in the workplace. She was saying things that left people feeling dismissed or demoralized. The CEO saw it. Management complaints were filed. This wasn't hidden, but she kept giving Emma the benefit of the doubt. She would tell me, oh, she's just passionate. She's so good about her work. We've been working together since the beginning. I really like her. Have you ever thought that about someone on your team who may be demoralizing other colleagues or not coming across the same way to other colleagues? But to you, she's awesome. And so let's look down another layer too, because listen for this as it's a common pitfall for executive directors. She liked and respected Emma's work, and the CEO wanted to be seen as a leader who was fair, supportive, and not quick to let people go. So Emma kept her job, not for just a month or two, but for another full year. And over that year, something started happening across the team. Staff members began avoiding interactions with Emma, but some started taking mental health days, not because of the workload, but because they didn't want to deal with Emma. The engagement dropped. Team output dropped. The organization started losing good people. She issued one performance improvement plan. Emma's behavior improved temporarily, but then went back to its bad, disrespectful behavior. Emma was put on a second performance improvement plan. And the CEO was constantly trying to manage tensions and soothe over the management team who was really wanted to let Emma go. But the CEO said, no, give her another chance. She can do better. She does better temporarily. Maybe she can change. The CEO brought the situation to my attention as we were working together and we started talking about a pattern, not just about what Emma was like, but what is the pattern that's happening? And it really became clear this wasn't a problem that Emma needed to solve. It was about the CEO's desire to be seen as a nice leader, to be someone who gives people chances, who doesn't come down too hard, who believes in the potential of people, all good things about the CEO until they start costing you. This vital self-awareness was the turning point. This is when the CEO realized by trying to be nice and protect one person, she was unintentionally letting everyone else down. So we reframe the situation in a way that changed everything for the CEO. Instead of asking, how do I support this one person I personally like? The question became, who am I responsible for protecting? And that answer was very different. It wasn't just the individual producing results. It was the team members who are still showing up consistently, contributing to a healthy culture, supporting each other, doing the work without creating unnecessary friction and drama. The CEO's people pleasing nature went awry for that one person that she liked. But she totally saw it and she corrected it. So we didn't have to erase the people pleasing nature or the or the nature to be nice or the nature to empathize. It just got redirected to the full team producing for the full organization rather than to one individual. And that's the key I want you to take away from this episode. Building confidence isn't about changing who you are. It's sometimes as simple as knowing your desire to be kind and nice and redirecting this strength into the right direction. Now, let me tell you more about what happened with Emma, because unfortunately, the situation did not resolve itself neatly. It escalated, as it usually does, when people are actively derailing your culture. At one point, Emma created a safety issue that put staff members and volunteers at risk for physical harm, for physical harm. This went on way too long. And that was the last straw for the CEO, who can no longer ignore the massive problem on her team. The decision became clear she had to let Emma go. And when the CEO and I talked about the situation afterwards, her reflection was something I hear often. I wish I would have done something about this problem earlier. And we've all been there, right? We all have the desire to be nice and kind and see the potential in people. But that desire can really lead to big problems down the road. I did the same thing when I was an executive director. I kept people for too long who had either proven they couldn't be trusted, were underperforming, or negatively impacting the culture of the organization. Here's something I really want you to take in. When you notice a staff member is getting multiple chances, multiple performance improvement plans, repeated conversations, negative behavior that changes for the better for a week and then slips back to disrespect, that's not progress. That's often a sign that the process is being extended beyond what's healthy. And here's the confident leadership shift I want to offer you today. If you recognize yourself in this at all, if there's someone on your team right now and you're thinking, oh, this really sounds like me, it's not quite working, I really have been avoiding the situation. I want you to pause and ask, who's paying the price for my delay in addressing this? Because it's usually not just you paying the price and wasted time trying to smooth everything over every day. Your team, your culture, and your mission all suffer in the end. Confident nonprofit leaders don't avoid hard conversations to stay likable. They make aligned decisions to protect what matters most. And that doesn't mean becoming harsh. In this situation, this leader took to heart a new motto that's guided her decisions ever since. Clear is kind, clear about your standards, clear about your responsibility, and clear about the kind of environment you're building. And here's what's really interesting. The biggest shift wasn't just that the tension went away once Emma had left. It was that the team started to respect the CEO. Now, respect wasn't built overnight because when a leader holds onto the wrong person for too long, there's usually some lingering resentment. People have been carrying that stress on their shoulders, they've been calling in sick to avoid somebody, figuring out how to work around it, dreading work. Within a month or two, the CEO could start to feel the shift. I mean, the team was lighter, they were happier, they were laughing in the cafeteria again, they were more engaged, more productive, getting along. I mean, it made the hugest difference. The CEO even called me long after that and said something I'll never forget. She said, our day-to-day lives feel completely different. My team is relieved. Everything is running smoothly. I almost feel like I'm sitting on my hands. What am I supposed to do with my time now? And of course I laughed. We both laughed because what she had been doing before wasn't actually CEO level work. It was firefighting. And now, now she has the space to do the work she's been wanting to do all along, drive the strategy forward, build stronger board engagement, focus on fundraising, donors, partnerships, and think again about the future of the organization. You see, most leaders think letting someone go will cause disruption, but what they don't always see is keeping the wrong person creates far more disruption. Remember, you have more agency than you think when it comes to building a healthy culture and unifying your team. In the next episode, we're going to talk about what happens when that tension shows up in a different area, when your board disagrees with you, and how confident leaders navigate that without losing their footing. If this episode resonated with you, you're probably really enjoying, you'd probably really enjoy being part of our newsletter community. Go to culturecares.com, download our free guide, four strategies for nonprofit leaders to reduce burnout, unify your team, and build a culture that lasts. And now, as we continue this series, my goal is simple: to help you not just feel more confident as a leader, but to make decisions in line with your kind, thoughtful nature that strengthen your team and organization over time. Thanks for listening to today's episode of Nonprofit CEO Spark. If you're ready to turn burnout into boundaries and build a healthy, happy culture where everyone, including you, can thrive. Visit culturecares.com to learn how I support nonprofit organizations like yours. If this episode brought you value, share it with a fellow leader navigating stress and overwhelm. And remember, you are meant for great things and you don't have to burn out to prove it. Until next time, keep leading with courage and confidence.