Overcoming Depression, Grief, and Suicide: Ruthie's Journey (Part 3 of 4)

#8: In Part 3 of this powerful four-part series, Ruthie shares the personal pain behind her decision to write her book "Call Me Before You Go."  In her book she explains practical ways to support loved ones who are in crisis. She discusses common misconceptions about depression and what people can actually do to help someone who is struggling.

Together, Ruthie and Jen open up about their shared experiences with suicide loss, the long road of overcoming trauma, and how Ruthie finally began to heal and chose to start truly living her life again.

This episode is heavy, honest, and filled with hard-earned wisdom. It’s a must-listen for anyone who has lost someone to suicide, is supporting a loved one through depression, or is walking their own healing journey after trauma.

If you or someone you love is struggling, help is available 24/7. Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).

Part 3 of 4 — Subscribe now so you don’t miss the final chapter of Ruthie’s story.

To watch the show click here

To connect on TikTok click here

To connect on Instagram click here

To email Shaken & Unfiltered hosts, send messages to shaken@unfilteredpod.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Shaken and Unfiltered. Welcome to Shaken and Unfiltered, a cocktail of conversation where two longtime girlfriends, one Gen X and one millennial, sip, swear, and spill the kind of midlife truths you only hear after two martinis. Slightly stirred, always served straight up. Well, we're excited to share that our next guest was so fascinating that we had to extend this beyond just one episode. So Lindsay and I are proud to share that we are dropping our very first mini-series, a four-part interview with our guest Ruthie Gale, author of Call Me Before You Go. So stay tuned for all episodes dropping soon. Welcome back. Part three, Ruthie Gale's back. Drinks in hand, mic's on.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Ready to go? Let's go. I'm Jen. I'm Lindsay. All right. Welcome back to Shaken and Unfiltered. If you did not listen to our last episode, listen to that. Fascinating. Yeah. Great stuff. And it kind of feeds into what we're going to be talking about today. In part one, Ruthie shared her deeply personal story of growing up in a conservative, Amish community, shedding light on rules, silence, control, and the moments that led her to leave. Today she's going to open up about how she's rebuilding her life and transforming her experience into something meaningful, offering insight, empathy, and practical support to those facing depression, as well as those who want to show up for someone in crisis. So if you've ever felt trapped in a system that claimed to have all the answers, struggled with overwhelming emotions, or wanted to better support someone you care about, this conversation is for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

As we'd shared in the first episode, Ruthie and I have crossed paths a couple times in town, and we had this connection through her fascinating background. And then as we kind of got into our conversation, we realized that there was this connection where she wrote this amazing book called Call Me Before You Go. And the connection that we have, which is very timely and appropriate, is I also too have experience with loss and trying to help someone who's been in crisis, which is my sister, my younger sister. I actually lost her 10 years ago tomorrow from suicide. And in those 10 years, I was so fortunate to have friends that were there that rallied, right? I also had people that didn't know how to help, right? That that wanted to help, that were not sure what to do or what to say. People didn't understand. A lot of people don't understand depression. And that's something that I've had my whole life. My sister obviously had it. And 10 years later, this just feels like such a um a poignant conversation and such a great tribute to her to speak to someone like you who has gone through this, done the work, and come out of it, and being able to write a book that's um really a resource. And your book is fascinating. And I wish I had this book 10 years ago because there's so many pieces of information here that are so relevant to anyone because we've all struggled. And we also know people who've struggled too and who are in crisis, but we just don't know what to do. So I thought maybe a good point to pick up in our conversation here is when you transitioned out and then kind of your adult life going forward, and when you sort of kind of see these moments crop up in your life with depression and the trauma that was starting to kind of come back um and affect you in your adult life.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

Well, first of all, I'm really sorry about your sister.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

I I can't imagine how hard, heartbreaking that is to it was it was truly the most devastating thing that's happened to me in my entire life. I mean, it just rocked me. But I think as we were talking about earlier prior to our recordings, that out of the worst times in your life, there is good, there is growth, and there's so many things and so many gifts that I've been given from that experience. Not that I would ever wish that or repeat that again, but having gone through it, I am a better person, I'm more empathetic, I am stronger, and I hope I can be a better person for other people. And reading your book just embraced all the things that I felt. So it just your book is just excellent. So I can't wait to get into that.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

So thank you so much. Thank you. I appreciate that. I really wanted it to be a relevant and helpful resource for people. When I first thought about writing this book, um, I always knew I would write a book about depression and my journey with it. And I was talking to a friend in Nashville, Tennessee, um, and who just happened to be an editor. She ended up being the editor of my book. Um, she's phenomenal. And I was telling her that no depressed person is gonna pick up a book. Like, I wouldn't pick up a self-help book when I'm low. Nobody will read that book. And so then I was telling her how I was watching this thing happen after a mutual friend, a mutual Facebook friend, had passed away due to suicide. She was a mom of two, I think. I didn't really know her personally, but I had a lot of friends that knew her. And um, when I went and read on her Facebook wall, they used to call it the wall Facebook wall, now it's like just her profile or whatever. Um, I saw just so many comments of people that loved her so deeply, but didn't know how to reach her, right? Didn't know what she was going through. Yes, didn't even know the pain. And there was one comment, especially that just broke me. And at this friend said something like, I would have driven 2,000 miles to be with you if I would have known. Right. And so I was telling my editor friend this, and she said, That's your target audience. It's the friends who don't know how to help. Right. And the And I was like, bingo, there is my target audience. I have I have been online, I've looked at all the ways to write a book, and you know, you need to figure out your niche and your um, you know, your audience and all this stuff, and I would get so overwhelmed. And she just in that conversation, we had a target audience, we had a uh book title, we had everything in that conversation, one conversation, it just came together.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Fascinating. And I think too on that note, that it's um not knowing how to help someone that you know is struggling, but also not recognizing some of the signs of someone who is depressed who's masking it, right? That's right. And sometimes it is the mom, right, of kids. My mom, my sister um was 39 and had two little boys, and the best mom ever had tons of friends. And so from the outside, she was the funny, lively one, hilarious, um, so smart. And so she had kind of the recipe of why would someone like this be depressed? You can't be depressed, you can't have struggle, like the you're not addicted or just you know, the cliche things. You think of someone who's struggling. Um, but then as we got closer into the depths of her depression, it was evident that she was struggling, but people don't know what to do, right? You you want to help, um, but you also think too, you I think with friends, you want to help, but you also how do I find that boundary of helping, but also not feeling responsible for saving because that's a huge um thing for people who I think are survivors of having lost someone through suicide is holding the responsibility of like what could I have done, or I didn't save them, right? So that's right. It all resonates.

SPEAKER_03 6:51

That's such a delicate subject, and I I approached it in the book with that in mind. I had um good friends of mine who lost their brother to suicide, really good family friends of ours, and and I I asked my friends who were left behind, you know, like how does this book resonate with you? Because I I just have such a tender spot for the people who lost someone to suicide. I think death is hard enough to deal with, but then when you you have that rejection aspect of it and also the helpless, helplessness that you literally just watch this person die and you couldn't do a thing about it.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

Right.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

Um, and like, did I not see the signs? Did I not do enough? So I've always, my heart for the book has always been like um these are things you can do to be there for your friend, but or your sister, um, your family member, but I wanted to make it clear too, and I did write that in the book, that like you're never responsible for that person's choices. And these are just, I just want to offer people something besides you need professional help. Right, right. You need to go see a doctor. Right. Because I feel like we just it's 2026. We need to, there's gotta be more we can offer people. And luckily for me, there was more. And I actually never got admitted to a hospital. I probably should have been several times for your depression, yeah. Um, I fought it so hard, and this is part of my mission now. This is why I'm so passionate about it. Because um, I don't know, when someone is that low, they need a friend. They don't need a police officer coming to their door. They need a friend that's gonna be like, hey, I got you. Let's go to the mountains. Right. Let's go. And yeah, I talk about that in the book quite a bit. Like the practical things you can do. Um, get that person out of the house. Don't give them options. You gotta kind of like become a little bossy because they're not in their right mind. Right. When they're that low. And then I always say later, when they're in a better frame of mind, talk about it and talk about how can we help you if this h when this happens again.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Right. Right. And I because it will. And I I think for those of us who suffered from depression and I've had bouts I have depression as a child and just kind of, you know, cycles of it as an adult too, when you're in a really low place, you don't even know how to describe how you feel. Right. It's so overwhelming, and I kind of describe it as like you're wearing a pair of glasses where everything around you is tinted and you don't know anything else but the shade of what you're seeing, right? And it's hard to describe what you need when you can't even identify it yourself or really verbalize it. And also, two people who are well-meaning who don't understand oppression think it's something, oh, just get over it. Oh, just you know, you could it's something that you can control. It's not, it's something that that overtakes you. And I mean, there were so many nuggets in your book that I just I love so much. And one of my most favorite things out of there that I'm gonna take with me is learning their love language, right? Because oftentimes, like, what can I do? Or call me, call me if you need me, or hey, if you need help. Those people are never gonna call you, they're never gonna reach out. But it's understanding that person's love language and offering up, serving up the things that you know that are meaningful. That was huge. I was just like, it's it's something that we can all do very easy without having to put the pressure and the onus on the person who's struggling to try to identify what they need because they can't name.

SPEAKER_03 10:15

You can't name what you need when all you want to do is die. You can't.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

What were the what were some of those tools that helped you um get out or come out of your depressive state that you you mentioned like you didn't um go take medications, you didn't, you know, you hospitalization, all that stuff. You you found tools that worked.

SPEAKER_03 10:32

What were some of those? I did eventually get on one medication and it was very temporary. I'm fortunate that I did not have to stay on it long. I had a really good doctor here in Fort Collins um that I just happened to be able to get in to see her like right away. My husband made the appointment, so that's one of the things I talk about in the book is do the thing for them. Don't say go see a doctor, make the freaking appointment for them when they are that low. And then later we're going to empower them to make their own appointments. We're not gonna do that forever. But when they are that low, you have to do it for them. Like they're not gonna call the doctor. Right. They won't. I would have never gone to that doctor if my husband had not made the appointment for me.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

And so how did your husband um work with you or walk this path with you during those um periods of time in your life? Like, um, I'm sure best intentions, yeah, they all have best intentions, right? Anyone who wants to try to help someone, but what was that like for you for a partner, right, who's married to someone who's struggling too, which is which is hard.

SPEAKER_03 11:35

It is, and I wanna honor that part of his journey because I think watching someone who you just are like, you have the world. What are you unhappy about? And I think that was more um, he was more from the lens of like I always teased him that he had rose-colored glasses on, and he'd be like, Well, I that's the only way I know to be. Just like I, the only way I know to be is I see it half full, half empty. I see things that are wrong with the world. I just I can't help it. At that time, I didn't have any other framework for for in the the view that I saw the world through was there were just there was trauma, and I would always have these, you know, demons in my closet or skeletons, whatever. Um, so he did support me the best he knew how at that time, and he did good for quite a few of those years. Um, I think at some point though, he just couldn't understand why when he had poured that much into my happiness that I couldn't just snap out of it at some point and be happy.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

And but this is this touches on the other misconception about depression, is that we're sad all the time. We're not actually sad all the time. And it just irritated me when he would like before he left, because we did end up separating and then um we got a divorce um a few years ago. And it just it it felt so diminishing to me when he said, I just want to be with someone who is happy or who makes me happy. And I thought, I've been happy. Yeah, I've been many times in our marriage, I've been happy. And he couldn't see those times, and it just it really oh, it just crushed me that he had this experience of me that somehow just negative got trumped by this cloud that I did that did follow me around and it did show up sometimes in motherhood. I mean, that is a big one. I think a lot of mothers are depressed because we kind of lose our identity when we you guys know. I mean, when you have a baby, it takes your whole identity is now mother. Your whole body as it whole body isolation. Right. There's isolation because maybe you now your friend group is different all of a sudden. You're having to hang out with other taller moms, and you don't always really get along necessarily, but but you're just surviving. So you're like, well, okay, I guess this is what I have to do. I have to be a part of like mom groups now because like that's the only way to survive this thing.

unknown 14:12

Right.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

And I mean, I would just I would always, I would go on trips with these girlfriends sometimes, you know, sometimes I would go on trips. And um I remember just thinking, like, they all want to check in with their kids when they're on vacation. And I'm like, I literally finally don't have to worry about a million things that have to do with my husband and kids. Right, right. Thank you, Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

I am freaking you for like two seconds this table here.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Thank you, because I literally would be surrounded by moms who would just care so much. They would like constantly be checking in, like with the husband and like how are the kids, how so-and-so with his, how did he do in his test today? And I'm like, I really couldn't care less. What my kids are doing. I know they're happy and they're safe. I don't really care. Let me just go to San Diego. That's why I've been doing this. Live with the penguins for two days, okay? Like, I don't want to care about that. Right. So I but I thought there was something wrong with me for the longest time because I was not that overjoyed at every single little thing about motherhood. Why do we do this? I don't know. Right. There's a shame. I feel like there's a shame. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

It's judgment and shame. I think maybe sometimes it's not even like intentional judgment, but we as moms feel shame about the things that we're not doing or that we're doing wrong, or we see our kids as a reflection on ourselves, right? Like maybe like your dad too, right? And it and it's so heavy on us. Well, and that and if they're not our world, then what's wrong with us?

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Right. Right. That's what parenting is, is we're we're renting these kids so that they can get the fuck out. Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

And we're we still have our lives and ourselves, and we're but also society is very conflicting in terms of their expectations of women, yeah. That we should embrace motherhood and and want to do all the things and be all there, and then you know, then it it feels like we're being selfish for wanting to do anything outside of that, right? And and we kind of, you know, heroise, if that's even a word, being a martyr, right? Being selfless for your kids, being selfless for your family, for your kids, for your time, and that all of a sudden has become championed as as success and as a good person, as a good woman is being a martyr. To a detriment to your health, too. To a detriment to everyone, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:28

Yeah. Question going back to um your the your depression. Um, do you believe some of the the trauma that led to that depression? Was it because of your Amish upbringing? Or do you think it's just innately so who um how you see the world as a pessimist or um it definitely was later when we were more in that Mennonite culture or the abusive uh church culture?

SPEAKER_03 16:54

That definitely affected it. But um, so that I guess that's just like my little um different. Yeah, that's a nuance there. But um, because I always say Amish was the best part of my childhood, yeah, my growing up. Uh, and it really was. But the the trauma of uh kids just not having a voice, like you and just hearing kids getting abused all the time, it was just normal. It was so normalized. I yes, of course that affected me. And so I think the the the overarching thing that caused my depression is this feeling that I can't really actually show up as myself, my true self in the world. Because that's what you were taught. I can't express myself fully, um, but I just I can't, I don't belong here. Right. Being vulnerable, yes, right and being seen. Being vulnerable, being angry, being rageful, messy. I needed to learn how to just freaking let some rage out at some point. And unfortunately, I do believe that that was unleashed on my family, my husband, sometimes when I didn't mean it at them, but it was your safe space, it was just my safe space. And I would just I towards the end of our marriage, I was full of rage. And um, you know, I think that was hard for my husband to deal with at that time, of course. Yeah, um, but but I also just had so much rage from this being so suppressed for so long feeling like am I just never gonna be allowed to say this thing out loud, like or to feel it even. There came a point where it was like, I'm not even allowed to feel this way. And that's depressing. That is like that's the single most depressing thing is when you come into this world as a brand new baby, you get to be you. And I mean, think about how sad that is that we then as adults have convinced ourselves somewhere along the line, or life or parents have inadvertently taught us that we can't actually be that, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:01

And and how hard was that when you finally, you know, you had your voice and you were expressing the emotion, and then your husband goes and says, I want the happy version only, right? Right. I mean, I can't that is just throwing back to that suppression that you grew up with. I think that's what it felt like.

SPEAKER_03 19:17

He didn't say that in so many words, but like basically, I just want to be with somebody who's happy. And I'm thinking, like, well, I am, but I'm also sad and ragey and depressed, and all the things. And I'm also I'm also suicidal at this point because of there were some things that he had said recently that I was like, I thought that he might be cheating on me again. And I so I was also, I had legitimate reason for why I was so angry at that time. But um, yeah, it just is a matter of like you gotta get to the point where you can understand at the core of who you are is this beautiful, magnificent being that is in essence, I believe, is God having a human experience. And so I now want to live my life that is in accordance to that. Like I've spent the the first half of my life being depressed as God on this human earth, you know? Like, how sad is that?

SPEAKER_00 20:21

Yeah, right. Um and you thought in your head, it's it'd I'd be better off if I wasn't here. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Right. Yeah, you really do.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

You really just get to that point where you're like, I'm too, and maybe Ruth, you you would kind of relate to this as well. There's this um belief, I think, or maybe misconception that people who think about suicide or actually go through the process of it are selfish. And it's that they're weak and they gave up. Um and they're not thinking about those they're leaving behind. Yeah, like how could how could someone leave your friend Julie, my sister Jan? How could they leave, you know, their their kids? How selfish. But to understand it from a perspective of this person has given everything and has nothing, their their tanks are on empty, and they have convinced themselves that they are now a detriment, right? Yes, and at least that's that's my view and my learnings of my sister's struggle. And again, it's just my narrative because they'll never know the answers, right? But it's what I've learned through therapy and through connections with friends and just sharing, right? Is that you don't understand the depth of depression unless you've been in that space to understand it. And it really isn't the easy way out. Absolutely, depression is not easy, and only at a point is someone um at their like last degree of strength able to like make that decision. And and some way maybe the thinking that they're alleviating others from having to walk this with them.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

Yes, it's not even a matter of like, are they being selfish? They could actually be in their minds doing the most unselfish things. Right. Yes. Thinking like, I am I remember having those thoughts. I mean, I've been suicidal quite a bit, you know. Few times in my life. And always it was this thought, even when I had kids, they're better off without me. I'm doing them a favor. It's just I like actually now knowing what I know now, it's just like it blows me away that I even was like that or thought that.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

What were some of the moments that helped kind of pull you from the dark and then inspire you to write the book? And then if you could maybe even just kind of give a summary of your book for people who might be interested. I have it, I love it. I I want to give it to everyone I know because there's just so much value and so many good nuggets out of it.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

Yeah, thank you. Um I would say definitely one of my aha moments or the moment when I I felt cared for. I felt like maybe there's hope, is when I went to see that doctor. And she um she was so understanding, she was so sweet. She didn't even want to put me on medication because I also had this misunderstanding of doctors, and I thought, oh, they're just gonna want to put me on meds, you know. And growing up the way I did, I was very opposed to meds and anything unnatural. My mom never put us on anything. We were just, I mean, we were healthy and we didn't need a doctor for anything. And so when she was so loving and and she just said, Hey, you know, I really don't want you to be on this, uh it was Zoloft, and she said, I don't want you to be on this long. So I want you to think about and make a list of things that help you. And I want you to talk about those things with your husband, and um, and then I want you guys to have a plan how he is going to help you implement these things on a daily or weekly basis. I think I did talk about that in the book a little bit, how I started my daily walks, they became priority. Yes, like, and and he did good. He, for the most part, he would prioritize those as well after he we had that doctor visit, because he was like, Okay, this is serious, I need to make sure that she can do this. So he would come home from work a little early, you know, most days, so I could still get my walk in before dinner and it gets crazy because then, like, yeah, you know, I had little kids, it's like you don't get evenings off. No, no, no, not at all. So that was definitely one of the moments, and then also in more recent years, since my divorce, I would say I have done the most work. And it, I mean, it's kind of true that like you have to hit a rock bottom, you have to lose everything. And it was like we were talking earlier how you can't blame it on your partner anymore, you can't blame anyone else anymore for oh, you know, it's because he's not showing up for me in this way. Nope, it's just you. And so now you have to take a good hard look at your own patterns, the way you show up in the world, the trauma you are still holding on to. And that that was um about three years ago. I I actually read a book that was life-changing for me. It's called The Power of Awareness, and it's written by Neville Goddard, he's kind of an old school writer from I think the 60s, and he talks about how we are what we conceptualize of ourselves is what we will experience in this world. So it all starts and ends with my conception of self. Yeah, and it's really all about awareness, it's really like what we can't help what happens to us, but we can we can help how we tell that story, right? So we are the narrators, I am the narrator in my own life, and I had this light bulb moment when I read that book. I actually just listened to it on an audiobook, um, and it was just so transformative. And I just thought, you know what? I've spent all this, I have wasted this God power within me on being sad, telling the story of me being abandoned and hurt and traumatized. Why not take that power back and use it to tell the story of how I overcame, how I transformed my life, how I got through my divorce, which was a no-no in my where I come from. That's like you do not divorce. So then there's also the shame of that. Like, how terrible could I have been that my Mennonite husband left me and divorced me?

unknown 26:13

Right.

SPEAKER_03 26:14

So, I mean, we're talking like this goes deep. Yeah, right. And I just started peeling off all those layers, and I just said, you know what? If I'm ever gonna do it, it's now. Yeah, and I'm gonna live a completely different life. Yeah, I'm gonna stop telling the story of my trauma, and I'm gonna start telling the story of how I've overcome the trauma.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

You've captured that, absolutely. And yeah, call me before you go. Yeah, so you can find your book on Amazon, right? We can find you on social media, we can find you on your website, right? Um, so also to put out there, if anyone is struggling um with stress, anxiety, depression, you don't have the lifelines of friendships to connect to, or there's a shame with that. Obviously, there's outlets you can reach in privacy, um, one of which is texting 988, which is a suicide and crisis lifeline. And you can also visit 988lifeline.org.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

And if anyone wants to reach Ruthie, Ruthie Gale, G-A-Y-L-E, on all the socials. Also Ruthie Gale.com. Thanks for hanging out with us today on Shake and Unfiltered. Don't forget to follow the podcast wherever you listen so you never miss an episode. We'd love for you to like, share, and drop a comment on our socials. You can find us at Shake and Unfiltered. And if you want more fun, head over to our YouTube channel for drink demos, extended podcast content. Until next time, keep it shaken and always unfiltered. Thanks, Ruthie. Thanks, Shake. Thank you, ladies.

SPEAKER_03 27:30

It's been a pleasure.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

You've been listening to Shaken and Unfiltered with Jenna Lindsay. Catch every episode wherever you get your podcast and join in the conversation on social at Shakin Unfiltered for strong drinks and stronger opinions. We'll see you next round. Cheers.