“I Lost Everything… Here’s What Actually Saved Me” – Ruthie’s Life-Saving Advice (Part 4 of 4)

#9: In the powerful final episode of this four-part series, Ruthie shares the hard-won wisdom she gained after hitting rock bottom — and how she climbed out.

Drawing from her journey leaving the Amish and Mennonite communities, surviving heartbreak, loss, and suicidal depression, she gives raw, practical advice on how to help yourself in your darkest moments and how to truly support someone you love who is struggling.

From what actually works when you feel hopeless, to red flags, healing tools, and how to start living again, this conversation is packed with honest, actionable guidance and real hope.

This emotional series finale brings Ruthie’s powerful story full circle — from control and trauma to freedom and resilience.

If you or someone you love is struggling, help is available 24/7. Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).

Part 4 of 4 — The powerful conclusion of Ruthie’s journey.

#FromRockBottom #BeatingDespair #MentalHealthAdvice #HealingFromTrauma #HowToHelpSomeone #OvercomingSuicidalThoughts #ExMennonite #ReligiousTrauma #FaithDeconstruction #HopeAfterTrauma #ShakenUnfiltered

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Shaken and Unfiltered, a cocktail conversation where two longtime girlfriends, one Gen X and one millennial, sip, swear, and spill the kind of midlife truths you only hear after two martinis. Slightly stirred, always served straight up. Well, we're excited to share that our next guest was so fascinating that we had to extend this beyond just one episode. So Lindsay and I are proud to share that we are dropping our very first miniseries, a four-part interview with our guest Ruthie Gale, author of Call Me Before You Go. So stay tuned for all episodes dropping soon. Part four, last of our four-part miniseries with Ruthie Gale. Well, as I shared, your book is so fascinating and just hits on so many personal points for me too. Like reading it, and again, like I wish I had this resource 10 years ago when I lost my sister. But I feel from that, and I'm sure from your experience too, that we have so much growth and awareness and things that we can now pass on and share with others. And so I would love to get into some of the highlights in your book and just maybe walk through some of the pieces of, as we were just touching on in the first episode, seeing someone that you think is okay, but maybe is one to check on, right? And what those cues are and what those um maybe like just intuition or signs that you pick up on from someone that you feel like, hmm, maybe I need to like explore this a bit. So from your view, like speaking as someone who I'm sure you've got friends in that situation, or your friends who saw you, like what were some of those things that maybe tipped them off or tipped you off?

SPEAKER_01 1:41

I would say if I went quiet, like if you normally get a response from me in, you know, a day or or less, and then I don't respond for three days, uh that's that's a clue that I'm probably really in a bad place. I would say if your friends have if it's out of their ordinary in their response to you, or they're just not doing the ordinary, you don't see them out where they normally go, or they're running late when they don't normally run late. Watch for things like that. Yeah. Because that would be me. I would be just late all the time, you know, and I just show up barely, right? Barely in the nick of time. Right. And that's not like me. I'm usually very punctual and on time. And so there's little things like that that you can see. And I think most people, if you're in a relationship with somebody, if you're in a friendship with that person, that's when you can really see a lot of times you can see something that kind of says, I think a lot of people know, but then the question is, what do what can I do? Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

And I think that uh that people, um, friends have good intentions, they want to help, they just don't know how to. And I think there's also the fear of I don't want to be accusational, I don't want to accuse you of anything that you might be hurt or offended by. And how do I approach this where it's it's um it doesn't put you on the defensive, right? And and I absolutely recognize that. And I felt that way too with my sister was asking questions where you're trying to understand, but they felt probing, right? And then you shut someone down and then they they shut you out, right?

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Yeah, sometimes it's it it really is asking the right questions. And we talked about that a little bit before. Um, don't ask them what they need because it's just one more thing they have to think about. Right. If they're really in a bad place, don't ask them what they need. Right. Just if you are uh enough, if you know them well enough to know they like the love languages, right? Know that they need their laundry done, and then offer to just take it to the laundromat and get it done for them, or offer the acts of service that mean something to them, offer to take them somewhere. I think that was one of the biggest things for me was include me in something that it could be as simple as, hey, I'm running to Target to get some things. Don't make it seem like you're trying so hard to rescue them, kind of thing, but more like make them feel a part of the community. Like you're a part of my life. Do you want to go to Target with me? I just need to go find some curtains for my living room.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

And that feels safe and like you said, inclusive, where sometimes, and I think the one question that is so hard that's very off-putting to those of us who struggled, right? Is are you okay? It feels very um, even though it could be meant very benignly, it feels like scrutinizing or accusational. And then to respond to that, of course, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, right? And that was my sister, I'm fine. But to then take it a step further, I remember shutting her down a few times when I would ask more questions that were more inquisitive. I could have framed them differently because I'm concerned and I'm I'm wanting to understand more, but I think I maybe wasn't phrasing it well in in those moments. But something that I have learned that's kind of one of my nuggets, and I it started this actually with my boys, just because young boys have a hard time expressing like how their day was. Come home from elementary school, how was your day? Fine. It was fine, it was boring, whatever. So I started using, and it's funny because I use this now all the time with my girlfriends, I use this with my kids, I use this now with um you know, my partner is one to ten, where are you? Because then, because a fine, again, a fine could be, I don't want to talk about it, just please leave me alone. Or fine is like, I'm actually I'm okay today, or fine is like I am not fine, but I'm I don't know what else to say, right? So one to ten is like, okay, where yeah, one to ten, even like just on the most like kind of trivial levels, what sounds good tonight for date night? One to ten, Italian, one to ten, Mexican. It just it helps break down like decision making, but also I think it kind of gives you a gauge on where you're on a scale in terms of that okayness. And um, for me, just in my own like spectrum of that, I know that if someone says a six, I'm like, okay, I want to understand a little bit more. Seven, seven and eight, you're you're okay. That seems fine to me. A six is a little, huh? Okay, well, let's talk more about why what's making this a six, how is it a six, right? But then four or five, it's time to kind of step in and and and at least um dissect some of the things that could be happening. So that's just something that I use, just in that instead of saying, Are you okay? or how are you, one to ten, how's today going? Where are you at today? One to ten.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

That's a great way to communicate and to get your the person to say something. Yes, to kind of just where you have a gauge for where they're at, and then if they are at a four or five, then what can we say? Right. What can we do? I think one of the things that helped me was when people would just people that I I was close to would just say, I know you're struggling, I know you're having a hard time, and you're gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm here, you're gonna be okay. Um, don't ask me if I'm okay. Tell me I'm going to be okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

It kind of again, it's that taking charge because we need people in our lives that can kind of be a little bossy at that point and be like, you're gonna be okay, we're gonna go for a walk, we're gonna go shopping at Target, and we're gonna be okay. And I because you got me.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Right, to your exact point. It's you're gonna be fine. Let's do this together. Not uh, oh you're fine, where it's dismissive, because I've had that too, right? Oh, it's fine, it's just the moment, it's just PMS, it's just it feels very dismissive when someone does not understand at all what that person could possibly be going through, right? So, but it's it's the you'll be fine, we'll be fine together. Let let us be fine, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

But it's also acknowledging their that they are struggling. I that felt good to me when somebody saw me and acknowledged that even if I hadn't explicitly told them that maybe I had given them a four or five, right? Maybe I had said something that you know they knew. And for them to just text me and say, I know you're struggling, I'm here for you. Let's go get some coffee. Right. I will pick you up in two hours. Take a shower, I will pick you up. Yeah, whatever needs to be said, whatever you can do to just take the decision off the table. Like they don't have to say yes or no. You just made that decision for them. We're gonna do this, and I know you're struggling, and I know you're not well right now. Yep. But it's okay. We're gonna do this together. We're gonna go to the lake, we're gonna dip our feet into the water, and we're gonna do this together.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

And that is the best gift, right? When a friend can come in and just say, We're doing this. And when I lost my sister, I just completely fell apart. I was just a complete mess. And I had some friends that I think well-intentioned, but didn't know how to engage with me. And so they pulled back and I felt almost abandoned those moments that they they couldn't go deep. They couldn't discuss it because it was too hard, too messy. And also, let's be honest, suicide is is hard to talk about, right? It's very complicated. Um, but I had, you know, like um my best friend would come in and she just drop off dinners, didn't even ask, was like, we're doing this, I got this for you. And it was just this constant, like, she was always there every day. It was she was involved in something without even asking me, just would show up, okay. I'm dropping this off, or here we're doing this. And she was a lifeline. I mean, she saved me through this period. Um, because it and and I have so many other girlfriends too that were so wonderful and did that. But when you have someone that really understands you and can step in and just go, I got you. Like, let's just, you know, we're we're in this together, was tremendous.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

I think that is the best gift you can give someone when they're in crisis is do the practical things that feel so monumentous, even like feeding yourself. Right. Like I I'm sure at the end of the day, right with kids. Yeah, you the last thing on your mind is like, what am I gonna eat?

SPEAKER_00 10:07

I couldn't even eat. I I was losing weight because I was just in this this like state of like like horrific depression. And you know, thank goodness my husband at the time stepped in and he was great through all of this. I mean, he was wonderful. He picked up the slack, didn't put anything on me. I mean, he just like took care of everything that I had kind of like just you know froze on. I couldn't I couldn't function anymore. He stepped in to do all of that, but again, it's the meals, and it's yeah, that's just amazing. Like a coffee come have a coffee, come do an errand with me. It's just change of Include me in your life.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

I think that's one of the biggest things that we can do for people that are in crisis or depressed or um, yeah, just don't wanna they're they don't feel like they're part of life anymore. Right. They're just off in their own world of hard, you know, heartbreaking grief.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

They're in a spiral of of trauma. Yes, right.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

And so that was your friend for you that you had wrote about in your book. And she was that lifeline for you.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

She was, and she still is. We still have that packed. We still to this day we keep each other accountable. And I will call her if I'm down in the dumps, and she'll be like, Ruthie, you're not quitting now. Yeah, you got you already, you're already well into your bright future.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

You have already made it through the worst. So we go on walks every week together. So that feels good. That's the other thing I wanted to um talk about a little bit is as much as you can be do these things in a routine to where the person can expect every Tuesday you're gonna, you know, we're gonna go meet for coffee. Every Wednesday, we're gonna do this. Or Thursday nights. That's your free evening. We're gonna this is as much as you can, don't just do things once, but make them like a part of the routine. A routine. A weekly or a monthly or something. If I mean, if they're really bad in a bad place, I have a friend right now who is in a really just not good place, and she needs she needs those every other day check-ins. I mean, yep, maybe even every day. And I tell all everybody that knows her, I'm just like, we like that. It does not hurt to say every single day, I'm thinking about you, I you're gonna get through this. You're a powerful, I mean, remind them how powerful they are. Right. Um, don't ask them how they're doing. Maybe ask them about their heart sometimes, but it there's a time and a place for that. Right. Because there is sometimes it does feel good to to just like talk about how you're really doing. I would say if you have a really close relationship with them, you can ask them that. You can ask them how they're really doing. And but I think for the most part, um tell them. Tell them how powerful and amazing they are, include them, make things a part of the routine with you and them that they can look forward to. Yes. Because literally that would be there was a time when my weekly walks with my friend kept me going. It was like I have a walk with her on Tuesday morning. And so no matter what hell I'm going through with my husband and my the kids and everybody's falling apart, it was like so important that I had that.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

And there's something with walks too, is you can talk, it's it's a safe space. It's funny how you can open up so much more on a walk versus like sometimes staring across, you know, a cocktail table, you know, with your your your friend. But also the exercise piece itself is very cathartic, and then you come out of it. And I do think someone who's struggling needs to move their body, right? They need to not just like sink into the couch and melt. Like moving your body and being physical is so good for your mental health.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Yes, do something that puts you in your body um and out of your mind. Get get out of this and get into your body, right? Um, anything like that. I will say, often though, it does take a friend. I had another friend who invited me to yoga, hot yoga. Oh uh. And she got me going on that. So there was a time in my life where that was something I looked forward to, and but she got me to go with her. So, you know, it you I don't think it's as helpful to say, hey, you should go on a walk every night.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

You should have you thought about yoga?

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

So Buddy system versus you know, just telling them, hey, I go to this thing at Raintree every Wednesday night. You want to come?

SPEAKER_00 14:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

And it it's like, yes. It feels safe and easy. Easy to say, but make their yes easy. Yep. Make it easier to say yes um than to say no. Absolutely. Or yeah, for them to decide is gonna be a no. It's gonna be a no every time.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

So on point. So I would love to hear you talk a bit about because I think this is a fine line for people who want to help, is also I think protecting themselves. Because those of us who are empaths, I am, I think you are too, right? We feel so deeply and we absorb other people's emotions, their feelings, their their crisis. And so how do we as helpers and good friends also kind of take care of ourselves and not fall into a situation where we then become we feel responsible for that person because that's a fine line. And I I remember feeling that with my sister. I still work on that feeling of responsibility, and her friends did too. And so, what was that like for you in in terms of um seeing friends try to hold a boundary, maybe, but also what you've learned from that and in terms of helping your friends that that are in a situation where they need you.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Yeah. Um there's a reason why they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first when you're on the plane and you're in crisis. Yep. I think us mothers have to learn that at some point, or we will drive ourselves crazy. Because when we make it all about the the kids first, their needs before mine, it it's just it burns you out and you will lose you will lose yourself. And I think there was some of that. I can't speak for my husband completely, um, my ex-husband. But I think there was some some of that, you know, where it was just uh maybe he felt too responsible. And I think people do sometimes, but just having that awareness, like I am only responsible for me on a good day. Right, you know, that is the only person I can really uh take care of at the end of the day. I mean, your friend, your sister can pull the trigger, and that is their choice.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

And it is their choice.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

And you can only do what you can do. And I think there is also just this level of self-forgiveness, radical self-acceptance that for your limits as a human. I do believe we are divine in human bodies, but we are still in human bodies. We can only do so much. We can't go and uh you know, do their laundry plus mine and my kids take care of my kids plus yours. Right. There is we have limits as humans. Right. And so understanding that at the end of the day, it is their choice too. Yep. Ultimately, it is their choice.

SPEAKER_00 17:20

It absolutely is.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

And I think they have to decide are we going are am I going to live or die?

SPEAKER_00 17:26

And no one can change that, even though those of us close to someone who we've lost, we feel that if only blah blah blah, maybe if I tried this, blah blah blah would have happened. But yeah, you're right. Absolutely, it is up to the person and it's it is their choice. Yeah, yes, 100%. And for those of us that that are trying our best to help and to support, we have to remind ourselves it's not saving. That's right. It's not fixing and it's not saving. It's being a support system, and as you mentioned, um telling other people to reach out to, like, diversify the support. Don't own all of it as one person, like I'm the lifeline, right? I am the you know, the first responder. Share and spread the responsibility too, because I think it's important for other people within that person's community to have an awareness, and they probably do, but just to connect together so you can support each other, but also it helps um share, I think, in mostly responsibility, but just share in the care.

unknown 18:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Um, also if you have a spouse, if this is a spouse or somebody that you live with, somebody really close to you, um make a list, have the person make a list of the people they trust. Phone numbers on that list. Okay. And everybody gets that list. So I know so I know who are the people that she trusts. Um my husband kind of learned along the way that I mean, he meant well, but sometimes he reached out to people that I was mortified that they knew. Yes. And I didn't know, I didn't want them to know. Yeah. I would have much rather they called somebody else. That happened with my sister. Don't call my mom or don't call like and it's compounded the shame.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

And then you want to pull back even more, right? You're just yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

Yeah, there were certain, there were times when I wanted him to call my mom, but it wasn't I needed there needs to be people that we can absolutely trust anytime. Like these are your people that we are allowed to call. We as your friends, we're allowed to reach out to them and say, hey, Ruthie's struggling. It's time to rally around. Right, right. Um, so I did that. I made a list of those people, and it was a very short list in the beginning, but it grew over time because there were more and more people that I felt like I could um be safe with. Right. That I could trust.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

And I I think too that would have helped me, like, during the last few months of my sister's life. Um, she was really spiraling and really unwinding, and people were seeing different elements of her life that I didn't wasn't privy to. If only we had kind of collected the notes earlier on. And like, you know, my cousin who was there who saw her house and it was in disarray and she didn't have the energy to even make dinner, and he's like, This is not her at all. Like, this is so out of character, to your point. There's a red flag here. I wish that he would have like flagged me on this and said, Hey, like, or just anyone, right? But I think that in those moments we don't realize actually what we're seeing, and we're like, oh, she's just having a hard time, it's a transition, she's just recently divorced. This is part of it, it's natural. You don't think like, hmm, maybe I should be sharing what I'm seeing with others, right? Because they all probably have a different puzzle piece themselves, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Yeah, it takes a village. And I I think if you can if you can get your person to be seen a little bit, to just let somebody in, even if that list is two people right now, right? It is something, it is a lifeline, it is something that I can, as your friend, as your sister, I can call this other person and get rally around you. Right. Because when you are suicidal, you don't you won't reach out. You just want to die, you just want to get out of the pain. So you're not gonna reach out to those people, even if you had previously decided that they were your lifeline, right? You don't see anything but your tunnel, yes, right tunnel vision. So you need the people on that list to get with each other, say, hey, there's something going on. Right. We need to check on her, we need to check on him. And uh, we haven't even talked about men in this situation. That's a whole other thing because statistically, men are more likely to commit suicide than women.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

They're more isolated. They they don't have, and I see this just a lot in you know, my 50s, just as friendships evolve, that women are the connectors, women are the ones that have the community, and men I think would love to have that, but they don't know how. I mean, I think our society's really embraced a men's community. Yes, and and I feel like Men, especially middle-aged and and on, become isolated.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

They do. They do. And it's not as I think it's harder to pick up on the signs with men. Yes. I think women, because they are more emotionally expressive, usually. You process externally a little bit more. I think the signs are just not, it's harder to de to detect when a man is depressed. Because he will just swallow himself up in work. He'll still go to the job and perform and be like, you know, this great businessman, you know, that is like got his doing life.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

It's the the masculine responsibility of like I have to be the strong one, the caretaker. But you know, oftentimes it manifests in other ways through alcohol, through other, you know, addictions. Um, it manifests in other ways, right? So while they try to squash it down, it still kind of pops up in some areas of the life where it's, you know, an indication. Yeah. So it's harder.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Maybe at some point there will be a book for people. Yeah. I don't know. I think we need to be more. We need that and we need a book for teenagers because I mean our teens are struggling and it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

More so than like boys, girls, we're we live behind our screens. We live in very solitary, you know, worlds now, especially coming out of COVID. Everyone just wants to kind of hunker down and and Netflix and not make the effort to go out and be social. And I know I'm part of that too. I I'm a lot more um, I would say introverted now than I was before. And that's it, I think it manifests some issues that might be there for people who do feel they're struggling.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

I think people w don't want to be seen. Um, because we do live in a very polarizing world right now, even p politically, you know, there's such a like division. There's such a division on who you voted for. And it's like, you know, I don't know if I'm really seen, then that person might think I'm a you know, a terrible person just because of who I voted for. And so that keeps people in in their prisons, in their lonely spaces. And I am determined now to break out of that and just, I mean, you know, I I for a while did not have people over at my house after the divorce, after our separation. I just felt like, what's the point? And also it's a lot of work when it's just you absolutely hosting people and um, you know, getting the backyard all cleaned up and and making the food and it's a lot. It's a lot, and but I also just didn't want to do it because I was like, well, what's the point? Like everybody, I just didn't feel like I had value in myself, but I force myself sometimes to just get back out there, have people over.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

Yeah, and make it simple. It doesn't have to be a production, right? It could be just come over for pizza or pizza balls.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

That's another thing I've learned is um keep it way, way simple. You know, you can it's okay. People just want to fellowship with each other, they just want to be. I can't believe I said that word fellowship. It's such a Mennonite word that I'm like, oh, we used to have fellowship meals after church.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

But I like it though, but it speaks to that. It's just about connection, right? And friendship and sharing.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

And some of my best connections have come since my divorce. Um, you know, it's been amazing how much community I've I've gotten from just pushing through, having neighbors over, even though, you know, I had to get used to like it's just me and the kids. Yeah. What do I really have to offer? Like, you know, the man in the if it's a husband and wife, like I'm sorry you don't have a guy to talk to, but I had to get over that. Yeah. And just see that I have value. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

And I do think that oftentimes men enjoy being part of women's conversations. They do, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:41

I've I've realized that that we've had some great conversations and and it's okay. We can just be honest too. We can say, like, hey, I'm a little bit of a mess. You know, I didn't get everything, the house all cleaned up or whatever, but here's some hot dogs on the grill. Like, you know what? That's what I'm doing on Sunday for Easter. I'm like, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Bring a side dish.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

Amazing just have we're gonna celebrate.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

It's not about the what, it's just about the connection, the fellowship, as you said. Yes, absolutely. Yes. Oh, I love that. Oh, well, thank you so much. You are just an inspiration, and you just have a wealth of knowledge and experience. And so if if anyone who hears our podcast um wants to connect with you or maybe ask some advice, um your book's available on Amazon. Call me before you go, Ruthie Gale. How else can they connect with you?

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Um, my website, okay, RuthieGale.com and Instagram. I'm on there as Ruthie Gale, Facebook. I'm a little bit more active on Instagram. Um, yeah, that's about it. I'm not on X at the moment, but probably should be. TikTok. It's not my jam, but I'm trying to be relevant and get on there, but I don't know. Um, yeah, that's a little tricky for me. But also, I just want to say one more thing to anyone that is really in a fight for their life. I I wanna leave you with hope that you can change your life. You can change your life. You do not have to, life does not have to be um a struggle all the time.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

It doesn't and and to that exact point, change is inevitable. So where you're at now will absolutely evolve. And I think that that helped me a lot in my hard times is that when you're in that moment of like I feel hopeless or this is a struggle for me, just know that tomorrow is a different day and things don't stay the same, good, bad, or indifferent, they're gonna change. So where you're at now is not where you're gonna be forever.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

Everything can change in a second. Yeah, in literally a minute, everything can change, and if nothing else, your perspective can change, and that changes everything. That was really ultimately what changed my life was my perspective. And I stopped telling the story of abandonment and rejection and mistrust and uh mistreatment. And I started telling the story of being loved and chosen and worthy. And yeah, it's just it's completely changed everything. And I just want to I want people to know that no matter what you're going through, no matter how hopeless it feels, you can change your life. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Thank you, Ruthie.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 28:35

This is wonderful. You've been listening to Shake in and Unfiltered with Jenna Lindsay. Catch every episode wherever you get your podcast and join in the conversation on social at Shake and Unfiltered for strong drinks and stronger opinions. We'll see you next round. Cheers.