From Brokenness to Wholeness with Dr. Violeta Bautista | Marriage is a Marathon S2 EP. 3

Doc Bolet — real forgiveness, boundaries, and daily habits to grow marriage health.

📖 Inspired by Marriage Is a Marathon by Anthony Pangilinan & Maricel Laxa Pangilinan
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Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

Ang haka sira ng pag sasama hindi conflict, pero yung hindi nyo na rare menjohan. Ah, you cannot make a person change. Dahil, pinapa yaga natin, at sinu supporten. That is what I call enabling.

SPEAKER_05 0:26

Hi, I'm Anthony Pangilinan.

SPEAKER_03 0:28

And I'm Marisa Laksa Pangilinan. And this is Marriage is a Marathon, the podcast season two.

SPEAKER_05 0:34

Welcome back to Marriage is a Marathon, the podcast season two. So this is part two with our guest, Dr.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Ballet Bautista.

SPEAKER_05 0:45

Okay. I have to ask you this. Okay, so bang walang counsel sang. Anung tip mo. Parama ilabas. What would you suggest to some couples who want to talk? Wa la si l'ang counselor sang a yon? Walla si lang hired psychiatrist. Anon suggestion more practical ways you can actually talk. Na hindi ka yung World War III.

SPEAKER_06 1:09

Na kung. Ah, okay. Um, king bagi kasi ang emotionality. Ka yana go World War III, ka se ang ta' as ng emotions. Ang bilis pumitik. O di pak pomitik ka na. Sa war ka na. Na ang first stage. Ba go magkarunang process ong pag la la pit loob. Ah create a safe environment or space. Safe space.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:41

So kung magooseap kayo wa king magusap ng pagun na pogda ko.

SPEAKER_05 1:46

Ah, okay. Create the environment.

SPEAKER_06 1:49

Breathe. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:51

Hingamuna.

SPEAKER_06 1:52

Humana p ng tamang ora. So no.

SPEAKER_05 1:55

We still na bin lok ballet date. Hominga. Dailang humi hingya. Na mama hingya. No, you're at rest. So create the space. Oh, create the environment.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 2:09

Na safe sha. May yam seguru me house rule kayo, me ngayo. Oh, walang. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Peace. Peace. Oh. Break, break, break. Oh.

SPEAKER_06 2:21

Uh, pede. Pero hanaginang oras na relax ta yo. Okay. Bag bagu matulog.

SPEAKER_05 2:33

Pada mang kundi ka yu pa good.

SPEAKER_06 2:34

Oh. Pero si guru kinabukas n wwang trabajo. Mm. Kasi mara ng mga sawa na wa walanang trabbaho yung isa, da hil tu winge naga awa isila. Pagba pang da ting y so pisi na wlana sha.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Uh.

SPEAKER_06 2:50

So yon create a safe space. Pangala wa name the problem. A no articulate it. Uh in concrete ways. Paganag name kanang problem. Try not to be judgmental.

SPEAKER_05 3:08

Boka na husga moon.

SPEAKER_03 3:09

Panu yon. Panu yonbawa. It this. Hindi yon problem. A bedi yon.

SPEAKER_06 3:15

Alamo ang bang sasabe. Uh merung kang entrada. Ah natatanda an mon last week. Hindi global. A lang by setting.

SPEAKER_05 3:31

Oh problema sayo. Palagi gana lang.

SPEAKER_06 3:35

Generalization. Ang problema sa yo, ni le label. O yo.

SPEAKER_05 3:41

So go to that situation.

SPEAKER_06 3:43

O do isang araw. Oh oh setting. What does it describe mo ang yare? An gustokoin ka tung kul sa schooling na mgabata. Sining halan mo ko. Ayung claro. Nasakanako ang pakiramdam ko na bale wala ako. Wow. Okay. So diniscribe mo. Hindi muni label naikao um me problema sa boy magasawa na ten. At ni lina moko sankare nangaga. And so it brings in fresh air. Nan you neutralize anxiety. Niba.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:31

And then makinig. Ang bai kinig. Wag moon ngumu wanang conclusion. Wag nasabi mwyon peding tanong. Natata nan mobayon. Okay. Ang palagaymo. Allow the other person to talk. Ang nga yarik sa usa pan kung mero na kung issue. Dadaling gong issue tas kilometri ko thirty minutes. By the time na na tapu s kana wala na sa airspace yung ka musa mo. Adgalit nagalit na sayyo. Diva, make it short and brief and allow the person to respond. Oh. And then show to the person na napa king gan musha by repeating what he said. Oh oh, ah, sabi musaken, akaya moko sin ng halan, dahil san kaku waka nang message mulasa bos mono nung aram na yon. Na bilang na ang aram musak pisina. Akaya sa tutu lang, hindi kagalit sa aken, perugalit kasabuhai, ganun na ba yon. Tama ba ng intindiko. Sweetheartsalamat na manara nig moho finally, yunasaguud na a sawa mo. Wow. So na goza kyo inima. Yeah Oh, butas bagusa pa natin, uh oh, oh minsa nakaharun tain ngga no, pero da hil na yun parang duma de lasanha pedi natinga win para ma iwasa natin nito. And then you agree.

SPEAKER_05 6:03

Create the environment, mean I wanna remember this a and then you can share a specific incident allow the person to give feedback. Tiba do sa narabda manbo. And then you can talk about possible next steps of how you can move forward. Parama bawasan, ma iwasan, di ba y mag class ng situ. I'm really being very practical here because a lot of people are asking now. Pano, pano, how do I move forward? So they need they need something they can hold on to.

SPEAKER_03 6:33

Cha, I think yung root ng problem na unforgiveness. Papano mo iha hatid ang dam damin mo dun sa point of really genuinely forgiving a person. But setting yourself free as well in the process.

SPEAKER_06 6:52

Me natan kai big and sa bikreton ng ba say nyung pang sasama. Sabinya sakin bolet, yun yung akin pa giging ma pagpatawad. Well that's really true, na man. Kusi sabbuhain na to, ta ulang ta yo, marain pak koko lang pa kaka kamale. We are bound to step on each other's toes. Kina hala marung kayung magpatawan.

SPEAKER_05 7:15

Futi na langga ng naho no. Dina mgausap nyo no.

SPEAKER_06 7:28

Forgiveness shouldn't be so cheap. A no, napa kadalikasing magging contrait uh at napa kadaling o si kit sorina.

SPEAKER_05 7:40

Okayina.

SPEAKER_06 7:40

Ber mungimu pen roseso. Yung dahilan, atpinangalingan, u ulita tu ulityan. A no? So yuny bisabi na kinagalangan An milili nao sanangaling ang sakit. At just exactly how you hurt me. Uh it has to be very clear annoyung hini hingi munan tawad.

SPEAKER_04 8:04

Tama.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

So pa no pano humingi ng tamang tawad. Oh. Kase me, oh, sorry, na sorry. Sorry, sorry. Uh oh.

SPEAKER_06 8:16

No, I could say, uh sorry, pero sa at a konaman pare unamantaiung na nini wa la sejos, bo kasampusuko n mgpatawad, pero gustoho na malina usaaten. Ano nang yare. Inahana unawaten. Kuminde uulit langito, anon mwang gustomo, ette pakusa pana ten. Atka matutu waho mg a kumagegi malina sayo, anutalagay ng yare, nan hert ako and that is at kun kaya musa bihen. You o ng sino sorri musa aga yen.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

Hm.

SPEAKER_05 8:58

Nebina patao na gita dials uh ng so sorry ako diel. Na wola na kosa na wola nag ng paciencha daasa kawa lang hian mung. Patama.

SPEAKER_06 9:11

A na mosa se kutinwa sa walangia. Kase eventually if it gets to be repeating, pa uli tu let.

SPEAKER_05 9:18

A problema ang processo, pa uli tulet. Ya nima? I like that.

SPEAKER_03 9:23

Yeah. Yes. Ang taong yindi ng so sorry. Aye. Marami kang ikaka wori.

SPEAKER_06 9:29

Yeah. In fact sabi no ysa mga ling batikana psychologist. Tang yung yung conflict. Wka yma ta ku sa conflict, sa awai. Aang nahakasira na ng pak sa sa ma hindi conflict, pero yung hindi nyo na rereme johanya.

SPEAKER_05 9:42

Yeah potante oung da pa talaga my mindset, na dara tingara tinga problema. In this world you will have tribulation.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 9:49

Dara ting. Asahan muna. Kasi yva, parating pa lang problema. Me problema na. U-o.

SPEAKER_06 10:00

So let's remember forgiveness is a very powerful tool to make a happy marriage, but let us not use it as a band aid. Band aid tina pa lang mulang suga.

SPEAKER_05 10:12

Tangalin na mbalang. Hilana. Hu go te kenga hu goot kela malalimi. Hu go. A band aid will not deal with a hugo. Tiba.

SPEAKER_03 10:26

Magsori alembawa. O ayao ayusin. Ayao pagu sa pan pa ngagovin mudun. Ah, dn let it be.

SPEAKER_05 10:34

Oh, ishun na yon dira mutin.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Ayusin m yun sari ili mo.

SPEAKER_06 10:38

Uo, kase basik yuny, uh, you cannot make a person change. Tama. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 10:44

Ishun nya yon. Ishu nya yon.

SPEAKER_06 10:47

Uh uh. Ta ya virtue, virtud ang acceptance.

SPEAKER_05 10:52

U-o. Acceptance. I didn't I didn't remember I don't recall hearing that. Acceptance is a virtue, pa la. It is a virtue.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Patience is a virtue. Acceptance is also a virtue.

SPEAKER_05 11:03

I also I always thought acceptance. It's a must. Pero n di ko na isit na virtue palasha. In tagalog. Virtud. Pangtangap. Pangtang. Virtue. Virtue is.

SPEAKER_06 11:14

It's a virtud.

SPEAKER_05 11:16

When you say virtue, virtu, tagalog. Ah, that's one translation in the Filipinos. Oh. Ka hangang na. It's something you're up to. It's a kagaling. Oh, oh kagaling sa, no?

SPEAKER_06 11:27

Na ng pagtangap. Well, come to think of it, it's hard to accept, ha. That's why in some literature they call it radical acceptance. In marriage, many times you need radical acceptance. You know, the friend kiss talaganon niba. There are many things na gustun natin. Pero hindi lumala basapag sasama. And the person is not ready to even problem solve with you. And you're not saying I'm right. I just want to talk about it. So for the time being, I just have to accept the real this reality.

SPEAKER_05 12:05

So it's a suggestion, a suggestion. So what should you do? Ka pag ayo pa? You pray you will see the spouse change. Ayo pang magbago, ayo pang magpa counsel, ayo raping problema. A no ma practical na na gawain ng isang asawa.

SPEAKER_06 12:27

Ako one of the one thing I would say, uhusa pnamin uh Malinaw na itung problem angito a hindi pa nati na lulutas. At that angda ilan, I aung mupa tindi kaanda na pa gusapa nito. Yun ni rirespet o koung sang ka nga galing. Uh so hindi kita inanag tung kuljan. But let it be known that the problem exists. Right. At pina gusapan na nati ng epekto ni to. And let it rest. Meanwhile, I take care of myself feeling ginhawa. Oh, o kasi bedding. How many of the spouses has their happiness dependent on uh on the existence of a marital problem?

SPEAKER_05 13:17

So msa sa sabi nyo very clearly though Paulet that your happiness is not dependent on the state of your spouse. Nama solba m problema dun sao mo. Oh, it's a challenge, by the way.

SPEAKER_06 13:37

Oh kasi ba no ibi sa binon titi gilambhuhay mo. Mm. Diva and ta wag ng ng iba, although I don't agree with the term, pero okay na n codependent. No? Parang perisweel, pak tumataas, ta ta asri ng anmu, pak buma baba ba, ba baba ba ka n ko-dependent.

SPEAKER_05 13:57

Kung ba tulungwa kanganan juse, diba. Then that will serve hopefully as inspiration to your partner. Mailigaya, kung shagumiginhawa, audito. I'm stuck, then maybe that will inspire.

SPEAKER_06 14:12

Yeah, it's his responsibility. It doesn't mean to say I don't do anything anymore. I think of ways by which he could be encouraged. But my life does not go around.

SPEAKER_05 14:22

Kalink.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:23

I like that.

SPEAKER_03 14:24

Pero pag nakita mo kasi yung spouse mo ng anga ilangan nan too long. But n lahat ng makakaya mo para to lung yung spouse mo. Pero merong times telaga na hindi mu kayaya. That's why you need to seek professional help.

SPEAKER_05 14:37

At at- at bug natin ka kalimuta ng lina ni marisel sa isang pelikula. Nusinaabinya. La lahika lang. Tama ba?

SPEAKER_03 14:45

Hindi ku ika mama taina wawala ka sabuha i kod da hila lahikika lang. Beautiful. It could be said the other way.

SPEAKER_04 14:54

Of course. Mari na mama smahinaho, ng pak kasa.

SPEAKER_03 14:59

Hindi kuika mama. Yon smai na mawalaka sabuha.

SPEAKER_04 15:02

Ay yon.

SPEAKER_03 15:03

La laki kala.

SPEAKER_04 15:04

Yon.

SPEAKER_06 15:06

But my goodness, let us realize na unlaking progress on yan.

SPEAKER_05 15:14

Yes. Yes. Freedom. Freedom.

SPEAKER_06 15:17

Oh, oh.

SPEAKER_05 15:19

Sorry ha, pero onga nyang kasa a sawa mo yina lag asawa mo. La my inisiyan, but after a while, you know, oh my gosh, he will want to solve it. Because Iun nya. Ayun nya la alusha. Ayunya. No, no, no. I'm trying to tell you that that is also one way to disturb your husband in a good way. Libana, oh my god, n di kosha controlado. Exactly. And that that is liberating for the woman. And it's wake-up call for the man.

SPEAKER_06 15:48

Perfect. You are a chief disturber. Indeed. Kasi, merung tinatao, ang mg Americana meron silgai. Niahan pakosa Filipino. Enabler. Oh no. Meansan, ng Papa tulloy, ang hindi mag nggawii. Da hil, pinapa yagin natin. At sino support. That is what I call enabling. So without enable, we clarify the boundary. No? Uh kung ang issue I gambling. I've helped you already. And I gave you opportunities. And now there are there is three million that you are asking me to pay.

SPEAKER_05 16:33

I'm sorry, I'm not going to pay.

SPEAKER_06 16:35

Ni ba? Yes.

SPEAKER_05 16:36

I love you, but no.

SPEAKER_06 16:39

Well, paranguita.

SPEAKER_05 16:40

Setting boundaries also is part. Showing love. Love, love, a tawag dog. Kila natin.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 16:50

Kasi posung mamun me.

SPEAKER_06 16:56

So yung yung therapy helps spouses to create opportunities. Para to bring in fresh air. And to create opportunities para. Mg considering isa uh ng ibang para anag yin sa problema.

SPEAKER_03 17:12

Merun nahong gusto isher na powerful tool that you shared with us that really helped our family. Really? I forgot. Oh. You shared with us.

SPEAKER_05 17:30

Never forget that.

SPEAKER_03 17:31

In this instance, it was really with our kids. Oh. And parang, I think I was overwhelmed with the things that my kids would tell me at different times. Na parang ni la la basang ko sila ng galit ko. And then at one point you noticed that this could be solved in a simple hack. And this is what you shared. For me to give my children the license to speak the truth to me in the right way at the right time. Oh, yes. At the same time, I can speak to Anthony about something that's bothering me in the right way at the right time. Oh, that's so powerful. To have this call to the thing. Uh-oh. You actually enabled my kids to coach me. And how is that? Pagnakikita na nila natumata as yung bo sesko. Pwedi si lang mag whisper na. Jesus. Yeah you said that to them. And then, yung isa, sabimo, if you can say, smile. Mmm. Basta meron silang permission to coach me.

SPEAKER_05 18:50

Me prompting.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

Hindi akupwe ding magwala or magalit. Kase nagason duha me. Na ikok coach ni la ako. And that has really helped us. Kasi, hindi nakai lang umabu dun sa point nan sa sabu ga ho. And when I see them also having this high blood pressure na parang na ii inisila sa aken or sa kapatid nila, wedirin na kong magbigai sa ka nila ng coaching in the right way at the right time.

SPEAKER_06 19:16

Oh, sa talaga nag familia ng di ba. Yes. Oh, chempre me rung mga role style me tata, me kan anana, me mang anak. But it doesn't mean to say me rigidity and na one way lang coaching. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 19:32

Actually, I wanna see. I wanna spend uh the next few minutes, uh the last few minutes, in asking you to give us some tips for couples now that want to improve. Ano angga simple ways para la lo pang gumin hawa ang samaha ng a sawa. Lalo ngayon, ni ba mai crisis, you know, it's economic crisis, you know, it's it's it's it's a very challenging time for many ma ka ta mpression ng nambilihin, and people are busy. So, nah, ano mga shalimba wa tips natin.

SPEAKER_06 20:03

Auto mobilis lang. Love is a marathon, love is also gardening. Ah, yunang metapora. Mg si mula taidito. Na anag sismu lang magandang pag sasama sa pag i big. Pero tanda anate ng pag i big a hindi sapat. Kina kailang an yung pag i big ay seeds pun la. No kina kailan i naalaga anyan. Kina kalaang itatanim sa tamang soil. Ani yung soil na dapa taniman ng pag i big. Basic respet to. Practice respect. Kano? O oh, kung me rung kang respet to sa yung a sawa, then you're creating a safe environment in your relationship. Pang a la wa mutual responsibility pinagusa pa na kanina. Kina kailang an malina kung ano ang ating responsibility. Sa ating sa rile. Hindi mo hindi kamangbi blameshift. Me responsibility kasa misis mo. Me responsibility karen sa bu hai na in yung bilu bo. Sa yung mana na. Sa pera, sa kuriente, sa koche. Yon. Mutual responsibility.

SPEAKER_05 21:13

Ba kasun dot pa go sa pa n di ma.

SPEAKER_06 21:16

Pangat la false. Fidelity, kinagala me loyalty ka. Ang loyalty, it's not only in relation to sex. Loyalty sa dam damin at easip nga sawa mo. Ibig za biheen, bini bigin mwang priority, at sa ka value, yung si nasabe, yung naraam daman, at yung papel nya sabu hai mo, fidelity ren yon. So yan nang soil, ha? Para me rung possibility natalagang maggo grow ang love. Pero kinaka lang mun ng seedop love, kina kailang munang soil and environment ta mg klima. Para umus bong an pa gibig, kina kailang ren alagaan mo. We na water moni la lagen mung pa tababa. Yong Habits. Practice. Discipline. Meron na kong acronym Jan. Kasi kay bigan kusi antronim me ya saan acronym. Habits. H, kina kailangan ng. Anesty. Truth telling. Hindi pwedding maging maligaya angasawa kung merong si nung aling. Ang pak si ngaling hindi lang yung sweetheart, meron na kung kina date. Sorry ha. It's also about pagiging honest. Kung yung nararam daman mo, ini easy muo, shang to to. Kilit kasaki. Dena tutu waak sa yo. No, pag kame honesty, merung humility.

SPEAKER_04 22:41

Oh, ay lang.

SPEAKER_06 22:42

Diva, kasi kung anest ka, handakang tangapin, nam me malika, handda karing magingbuka, sa mga baga gai, na di maganda tungusa yo. That's a lot of humility. That's H. A. Acceptance. Kanina pinagusa na natin. Virtue of acceptance. A me acceptance virtua, a b kinagalan nag bi bid ka for connection.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

You know?

SPEAKER_05 23:05

Bid for connection.

SPEAKER_06 23:06

Bid for connection. Bilangin mo ang number of hours that you spend with your wife. 24 in 24 hours. Baka makita mo 10 minutes la. Oh no. So you have to be connected. Otherwise, there's no relationship. So yung connection din making drama. Connection could be simply touching. How good. Binal hang kitanang chocolate. Yeah. Be, yo, da, bean for connection. I no. Individualit. Individuation.

SPEAKER_05 23:56

Individuation.

SPEAKER_06 23:57

Oh, technical term yan ha, ibi si bi hin lang non. Bigin na. Kao aai individual. At ika way da pat lumala go. Yo. Mis ki mea sawaka.

SPEAKER_02 24:05

Na.

SPEAKER_06 24:06

Ang problem, apag mea sawaka natu mi tigil lang pa grow. A hind de la.

SPEAKER_05 24:10

Waanang me time, wala ng rest time, wala ng hobbies, wa langg oh male.

SPEAKER_06 24:16

To be boring to your partner. Oh, wa. Help your spouse to individuate and don't forget to let yourself grow. That is I. Habits T is team, teamwork. You and your partner is a team. Oh, mesi nah ka idee too. Ah, pak me ka sawa ka yo. You don't cease to be an individual. May individual life sa yo. Pero me binubu uka yo. Na team. That's your life as a couple. Da pak me rong kanga skill in doing that. Kung basika yo learn the skill that you uh Anthony and Mariselle shares, that is integration. Isina sa bi, ba ako, na go workshop ako la dni Anthony, you know? Tung kul sa how to live effectively. Si na sa mm ko sa wako, min san para lang enjoy, kasi out of town. Pero bini big yang kusanang papel if it's appropriate. Assignment, my assignment.

SPEAKER_05 25:16

Last week, last week's a kasi wala ako driver.

SPEAKER_06 25:19

Oh, bedi! Oh yungi gang assignment kusawako. Kase pastor yun na ya sa kampinga sermon. So at the end of my workshop, I created a worship service. Wow. So ng pika ng liturgy. Oh, na hindi religiosa, no? Kase iba iba ang religion na mgatao. Oh, diva. Elevated him. Oh, exactly. So habit spam, yes. Skills. Oy mg aaral pota yo. And da ing skills na ki na kailang mato tu hand sabu hai, lalunakung a sawa. Emotion regulation. Paganaga girl it ka nag at gusto mg sisi ga okaya mu bang pahin kahina yin ang iung bag emotion. Bed dirin na mgali pad. Ayo kun ng mg emote. Kina ka lang. Amplify yang emotions mudo. Oh oh, oh yung papa no ka mak awa isa sawa mo. Conflict is not wrong. But you need to resolve it. Marimed juhan. So creative quarreling. Yeah. Papa no ka mag confront. Lagi bang confrontation is bloody hell. Not necessarily. Confrontation need not be bloody. Me skill do on. Conflict resolution. Problem solving. Communication. Latian is a good thing.

SPEAKER_05 26:53

Stoing creative fighting. Creative. Oh, min san. Pat pat min san palahol. Min san.

SPEAKER_06 27:03

Uh oh.

SPEAKER_05 27:05

Creative tie.

SPEAKER_06 27:06

Those are my. I love it.

SPEAKER_05 27:11

I think this is a I think this was a masterclass.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 27:15

Thank you so much. Ballet Bautista. Thank you so much, Maram Isalama. That was not just for them, not just for you guys. That was for us. Always learning, always growing, transforming by God's grace through partners like and friends like Ballet Bautista. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_06 27:37

Yes, and by the way, it's a two-way process. Hiyung counseling. Grow with you. So thank you, Holmes. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_03 27:48

So this has been Marriage is a Marathon, the podcast season two. God bless. Thank you so much, Mango, for our outfits for today. This episode was shot at Midnight Dream Studio.

SPEAKER_05 28:41

For feedback, suggestions, questions, please comment below. And don't forget to follow us on our socials, Anthony Panilina and Mommy Marisa.

SPEAKER_03 28:50

Run it one step at a time. See you in our next podcast, and God bless you.