Ep 21: How Real Men Apologize

We dig into why “I’m sorry” can feel like surrender for men, and why owning our wrong is a mark of strength and security. We share Scripture, a real marriage moment, and a simple apology framework that helps us repair trust with people and with God. 
• why apologizing to another man can feel like weakness 
• how refusing to apologize often reveals insecurity, not strength 
• Proverbs 28:13 and the power of confession 
• the difference between rushed words and a heartfelt apology 
• why words cannot be extracted, only apologized for 
• a date-night conflict and an hour of silence in the car 
• weak apologies that dodge ownership and shift blame 
• strong apologies that name the harm and take responsibility 
• a four-part apology formula: acknowledge, own, regret, change 
• the role of forgiving and accepting an apology without pride 
• apologizing to God in prayer and remembering Jesus’ forgiveness 
call them, text them, talk with them 
share it with others that you might think that they'll find value in it on the road they're traveling 

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to The Road Travel, a Christian podcast for men, where real faith meets real life. Through honest conversations and personal stories, we help you apply God's word to your everyday journey by sharing the road we've traveled. Whether you're walking through challenge, change, or calling, this is your road. And you don't have to travel it alone. Now, let's take the next step with your hosts, Aaron Degler and Alan Hugator.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Welcome back to The Road Travel. Thanks for joining us today. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with your host Alan Hugator. We are excited that you're joining us on The Road Traveled. We hope that wherever we find you, we're finding you on the road. And each time we visit, we just want to share a little bit about our road that we've traveled through our experiences, through our failures and successes. Successes, a lot of times, probably a lot more failures and successes, but they are what help us grow the most. So we just want to take a little time each time to share a little bit of scripture and how that applies to our everyday life and how that makes a difference.

Why Saying Sorry Feels Like Surrender

SPEAKER_02 1:12

A lot of times, is I am sorry. And as men, sometimes that gets really hard. Sometimes it's hard to someone we love in a relationship. Maybe it's our spouse, maybe it's a family member, but sometimes it's really hard when we need to say I'm sorry to another man. Because what do we typically feel when we say I'm sorry? Especially if we say it to another man. Well, we we surrendered and Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

You know, and and as men, we don't always like to surrender. Are you saying it out of necessity? Or did it come from your heart that you truly are apologizing, you truly are sorrowful of whatever happened, and you are truly apologizing, or you said, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Because then sometimes some the other person will say, have the follow-up question, what are you sorry for? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

And I'm going, good, he don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

Yeah.

unknown 2:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

But no. And and and really probably chances are they're looking for a more in-depth to really see if that I'm sorry is from your heart, or if it's just I'm sorry, so we can move on and get past this thing. And and because you know, we look at as you know, a weakness, sometimes I think is men of as apologizing. Because what does apologizing do? We say, I was wrong. I made a mistake. In general, men don't like to make a mistake, they don't like to be wrong. I mean, we can look at politics. None of them like to be wrong, they're all say they're right. I never heard John Wayne apologize. He's a man's man. I ain't no John Wayne. But maybe what was his other name? What was his real name? Marion. Can't remember his last name, but it was I think it was Marion. And, you know, I wonder if Marion ever apologized. John Wayne may have never had.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Well, yeah, he was married three or four times, so yeah or twice anyway, I know, but so there's probably definitely some apologizing going on. If you're married, you've and you're still married, you've apologized. Some of you may have got married and didn't apologize, and you may have trouble staying hooked.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Or you may no longer be married because you know how to apologize.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Right. Yeah, we've all apologized, and I've apologized and not meant it. I've just said the words, I'm sorry. And then I have felt the deepness inside of me that it hurt if you're really sorry, it hurts inside of you. It bothers you. And, you know, when I've done something to my mother or my wife, and I go, boy, that was silly, yada yada, yada. And I really deep felt, well, it it hurt me because I hurt them, then that's a true apology. When I can, man, I am so sorry for what this yada yada, like you said, it's not just I'm sorry, and that's the end of it. There is more to it. And and you should feel it if you're truly sorrowful. Mm-hmm. As they say, it comes from the heart.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

And I think a lot of times we do, as men, we're talking about we we look at it as being weak.

Confession Takes Strength Not Pride

SPEAKER_02 4:36

But really is what refusal to apologize reveals. It reveals when we refuse to apologize, it reveals insecurity, not strength. In Proverbs 28, 13, it says, Whoever conceals their sin does not prosper, but the one who confesses finds mercy. And we think, well, I'm not gonna apologize, I'm a strong man. But it really is revealing the insecurities you have of saying, I was wrong. I didn't act right, I didn't treat you right, I didn't say the right things. That takes a lot of strength to own up to your mistake. You know, you know, all the time we hope that as we grow up as young boys, that fathers are teaching or or male figures, male role models in in men's lives, young men's lives, boys, they're teaching them to admit their mistakes. Say when you're wrong, say, you know, own up to it instead of trying to cover it up and lie and be deceitful about it. Say, I own this mistake, that was wrong, I did wrong. It's it's part of being a man. But yet when it comes to apologizing, we think we shouldn't do that. If if if you did something wrong at work, say, well, you should own up to that. That's part of being a man. But then if we hurt somebody's feelings, if we hurt, especially if we hurt another man's feelings, I'm not saying wrong. I'm not saying I was wrong about that or I shouldn't have done that. I'm not gonna do that. But it's no different than if we do something wrong at work, we should own it and say, I made that mistake. I used the wrong whatever, I did the wrong whatever, I didn't know. I apologize because I was wrong in that.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Yeah, but I might say, well, look how many times he's done something to me. Well, two wrongs don't make a right. Mm-hmm. So why should I apologize to him? Yeah. You know, look how he's talking to me. Look how he's done things. I ain't gonna apologize to him. Been there, you know, it's it's easy to fall into that trap where you kind of justify. I don't, you know, we're always trying to justify our actions. And that don't work out.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Because when we when we really will we try to just justify those small things, it really causes big consequences later. Because when we were trying to justify those, we're saying it's okay this time. He did me wrong, or they did me wrong, or they weren't honest with me, so why should I be? And it causes big issues later because it starts to change who we are. We've talked about character before, it starts to change our character, it starts to change our integrity, who we are. And some and just like you said, when when we do have conflict, we try to justify it. We try to defend our well, I was just doing this. We try to, well, it I mean, you're just you're just it's all out of I mean, you're just making too big a deal out of it. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't that big a deal. We try to minimize it. Or we try to Well, did you hear about the weather today? We try to change the subject.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

I've tried all of them since I've been married. Most of them don't work, okay? So and you know, you you do, you'll try to, well, she's done me this way, that way, but I'm gonna just say it just where we'll get all right, I'm I apologize. Well, you didn't mean that. No, I didn't. I was just trying to get it covered, you know, sweep it on the road to where we could go on down the road and and go on with our lives and just you know, like it didn't happen. But so many things happen, and without an apology, a heartfelt apology, you can't go on.

Words Cannot Be Taken Back

SPEAKER_01 8:26

And I've done quite a few weddings, and then one of the things that I when I'm speaking to them either before it and sometimes it's it is written in my in the vows that in things that I say is be careful with your words. Because your words cannot be extracted, they can only be apologized for. So here we go. When you say those words to your spouse or to someone, or if I say it to you and I offend you, or say something out of line, I can't take those words back. And you're probably not gonna forget them, and a woman's sure not gonna forget them. And then all I can do is apologize for them, and then does she really feel that apology or not? Does she really believe it? Do I really mean it when I say it, that apology? They can sense if you really mean it or not, believe me. They'll know.

The Silent Car Ride Story

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Kevin, I just for Valentine's Day. We were gonna go out on a date. It was the day before Valentine's Day because we wanted to beat the crowd. You know, we're old, so we've got to beat the crowd a whole day ahead. And and I got home from work and I didn't really want to feel going going out on this date. Just kind of wanted to go somewhere closer. And and so when she'd been looking forward to it. I don't know if you ever heard that country song. I can't remember when he comes home and she's got her dancing shoes on, ready to go. That's Kim, she's ready to go. And I'm like, I just want to kind of be at home. But anyhow, so we kind of had some. That's what started it. That's kind of what started, yeah. And so we drove and we were in the car probably about an hour. We didn't say a word. Not a word. It was quite a quite a quiet drive. And in my mind, as we as we talk about things in our mind, I'm thinking, you need to apologize. Because I was wrong. I was the one that was wrong for sure. Hands down, I was the one that was wrong. And and I kept saying in my head, you need to apologize. You need to apologize. I couldn't make my lips form the words of I'm sorry. And I was like, okay, I'm about to say it. I'm about to say it. I can't do it. And and so I had to say a little prayer because and I knew I was wrong. I was wrong. And they were the hardest words to say was I was wrong, I apologize.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

Because she was trying to justify it probably somewhere, but you were had a hard day, something was on your mind, things didn't work, you really didn't want to go where she wanted to go that night. You were just doing it to be nice, and now then we've had this run in.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

And she'd been looking forward to it all week. And I was I was ruining the time together. I was ruining it.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

And I knew This is good to hear because I feel like I was the only one that done this until now.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

I knew I needed to say I was wrong. And so when I finally did say, I'm sorry, and I explained to her why why I got, you know, I I told her I didn't want to go, and then she said something, and then I got mad at that. And so instead of saying, I'm sorry you got upset at me, we had a discussion about, I apologize. This is the way the words you said made me feel. And then she said, and this is the what the words you said made me feel. And so we we talked it out about how the things we said made the other one feel. Not not laming blame that the other person was wrong or right, but how did how did we feel through the situation? And I was again, I was totally the one that was that caused it, was I I I owned it all. But again, as men, the words are hard to say. Even though, in my mind, I knew that was the right thing to do. I just couldn't get out. And it's and it's not thought she's gonna be mad at me or go, I taught I knew you were wrong, you know, none of that. It was just simply saying I was wrong. Because I really wanted to talk to her. I didn't want to ride the whole ride without any conversation. Um, she's my favorite person. And so I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn't get those words out so we could move past it and say, and so we could have a conversation, have a fun night, have a good time. So after about an hour, I finally said those words. I was wrong. I apologize. We talked it out. Of course, I think God had a way because he put us in traffic, and so we were at a standstill for about 20 minutes until I finally opened my mouth. And and then, and then it got even more awkward because they're not even trafficking anything. So it even got more awkward. So that's God's way saying, okay, you need to, I'll get it out of you one way or the other. And and so then we started talking, traffic started moving. It's funny how that worked.

Weak Apologies That Shift Blame

SPEAKER_02 13:11

But it it's it's just, and again, I think sometimes our weak apologies are, I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I messed up. If I offended you, I apologize. Although, and that's the ways we apologize because we're really deflecting it, so it's not really our fault. We're still laying blame on the other person. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you got offended. I guess I messed up because you're mad. Whereas really the strong apologies is what, and that's what I was really working on was I was wrong. That was my fault. I shouldn't have said that. I hurt you and I'm sorry. Or really the things because they're not excuses. I didn't wasn't trying to explain. I was trying to try and take ownership for it. I was trying to own that I was completely wrong. It was my fault. And and and and once we kind of got past it, we didn't really revisit it until a couple days later. And then we could kind of joke about it and kind of, you know, and that's what we try to do. We try to talk about those things and then, you know, use them for later learning lessons so that we don't do that again. So

A Four-Part Apology Framework

SPEAKER_02 14:30

so really it kind of used, you know, there's kind of if we're gonna apologize, it's really just a like a four-part apology formula that as men we like something simple sometimes. So, first it's acknowledge the mistake. I spoke to you disrespectfully earlier. And then take responsibility. That was wrong, and that's that's all on me. I I take full responsibility for that. And then we express some genuine regret, like you said, it comes from the heart. I'm sorry I hurt you. And then we commit to the change. I'm going to work on that, you know, and we do that with with uh spouses, with significant others, with family members, with co-workers. We do all those things, and a lot of times relationships can be broken because we can't say I'm wrong, especially as men. We're waiting for somebody else to go first. And it really does show that strength when we go, I was wrong, and we go first.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Well

Forgiving And Accepting An Apology

SPEAKER_01 15:30

you can't show God through you if you can't be forgiving. I'm on the opposite side of apologizing for a moment, but also before you can apologize, you may need to forgive something also. Maybe she said something to start at this time. Probably not, but if she did, you've got to be able to come back and whatever you said, you say, I you know. You've got to have a forgiving heart like God does for us. He forgives us all the time, or you really can't accept that apology, and you need to be able to accept an apology. Mm-hmm. Even if you know that they were wrong, you need to be able to accept the apology. That's manning up, right? Mm-hmm. Did it really hurt you to accept that apology? Did you have to do away with your pride, which is sinful anyway, and let it go down and accept that apology at that moment? Or for her to accept that apology? If she hadn't have accepted it, you might as well turn the car around and went back home. Because you weren't gonna have fun that night. You weren't gonna enjoy yourselves, and and if she'd have said, Well, you've already said too much, I'm not accepting your apology, or in her heart she felt that way. But she accepted your apology, you went on and was able to finish out the evening and and go on with your lives of love. But you've got to be, whichever side of that you're on, really both sides to a degree, you've got to be forgiving, like the Lord is.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

And that's a great point, is that because Kim and I, we've been married for almost 22 years, and in the past, I might go up to her and say, I'm sorry, really be working on try to go up and say I'm sorry faster instead of waiting. And she'll still be mad at me. I'm like, Well, why are you mad at me? I said I was sorry. And then later come, find out exactly what you said. I wasn't ready to accept your apology yet. You know, so sometimes it the person apologizes, but then it's on us because we didn't, well, they I I'm I'm still mad at them. And that can be a relationship, family, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Too quick sometimes is unbelievable. Oh, I apologize, dear. I didn't mean well, you don't mean it because it happened too fast. You're just trying to think about it. Yeah, you're just you know, or if I let you steal long, you're gonna get madder. But sometimes it's too quick for them to accept because oh, you're just saying that just where I, you know, trying to cover up for yourself. Well, sure.

Apologizing To God In Prayer

SPEAKER_01 17:55

And we're not picking at our wives here today. We're talking about situations with relationships with God. I apologize to God about every time I sit down to prayer, that's one of my big things, is I'm apologizing for the sins that I have done against him. Knowing that Jesus has died on the cross for my forgiveness. He done that for me for every one of our souls. But God, I'm apologizing to him for what I said, for cuss word that slipped, for the way I acted towards someone, or or you know, for a bad thought against another driver as I was gone, or just whatever it was, I've apologized to him for sinning against him, for doing what he's commanded us not to, or for not loving thy neighbor well enough. Whatever it falls into place, that's what I'm apologizing. Of course, then I go into gratitude also, but I go back because I used to ask God, please forgive me of my sins. I go, Jesus died on the cross for forgiveness of our sins. And apologizing is asking for forgiveness also, right? But I just that's the way I term it with my prayer to God is I just want to apologize for the way I acted yesterday.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

And you know, and and amen, when we learn to apologize, because it it's it's a it it's a learned behavior, and it can become a skill and not a deceitful skill. It's a skill that we we learn and it becomes genuine again because we process it through our mind and our heart and our soul, and that we can give a genuine apology. We get better at it because we're married. That's true. We've had a lot of years of experience of apologize. And that's one of the things. When when men learn to apologize well from the heart, marriages improve, friendships deepen, kids can learn humility from that. Leadership, credibility grows, whether it's in in at work, at home, leadership it it grows.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

I offended a friend one time and I went to him and apologized. And I know he forgived me because our friendship got closer. Because I thought a lot more of him for forgiving me. Not knowing that I could even think more of my thought a lot of him before, but I even thought more of him because I said, Man, he forgive me for that. That means he truly does love me. He really does care for me. And that that strengthened our friendship because he was kind enough to forgive me.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

And and and and at times we think, well, that's gonna make it weaker, but it's gonna make it stronger.

The Challenge To Say I Was Wrong

SPEAKER_02 20:47

And and and so that's kind of the challenge is is there's some is there someone you need to apologize to? Maybe it maybe it is a spouse, maybe it's a friend, maybe it is a coworker, maybe it's our kids. And the challenge is to call them, text them, talk with them, and say those three words that are so hard to say that took me over an hour to say. I was wrong. And when it comes from the heart, it's gonna be so meaningful. But the challenge is is there someone in your life that needs to hear those words from you to start mending relationships, start to deepen connections, start to re rebuild relationships. Because there's some people that go years and years and years, and all they needed to say was, I was wrong. And they haven't said it. And I think that's the most powerful thing is men and we can say because it doesn't show weakness, it shows strength and confidence of who we are, of of ownership of saying, I'm owning this mistake, whatever it is, whoever you're talking to.

unknown 21:59

Because

SPEAKER_02 22:00

I do uh I mean I think there's times we are kids on apology. Then sometimes as a dad we won't go, I that I gotta always be right. It's those i i I always say sometimes when I tell people we're uh uh doing a certain workout, I say it's a simple workout. I didn't say it was gonna be easy. It's a simple workout. Those three words are simple words, but not easy words to say.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

So that's the challenge. If you really want to fix that mistake you made and you really go to God and ask him to help you, I found I've had a lot more confidence when I go to that person, not so worried about their reaction as and I truly mean it because I went and talked it over with God to help me and give me the strength to have the words to say. And it makes a difference.

Closing Prayer And Farewell

SPEAKER_01 22:57

Let's go to the Lord more of prayer. Lord, again, we come to you, Lord, and as always, we're just discussing things with you, Lord, and we all make mistakes on this earth. Not only do we offend you, but we offend others, Lord. And we're asking you to give each and every one of strength to go to that person as we come to you, Lord, and we ask you to forgive us, and we know that you will. But we do come because we do offend you. Probably daily. But when we go to others, Lord, we ask that you be with us. We ask that you, the person we offended, that you give them the strength to accept it. Lord, we all make mistakes here on this earth, and only through you can we correct them. In the name of Jesus we come to thee. Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

Thank you to each of you for joining us on the road travel today. We hope that the things we share and and the discussions we have helped you on the on your road travel. And as always, if if you find this of of benefit, of usefulness, that you start applying it to the road you traveled and and even more so share it with others that you might think that they'll find value in it on the road they're traveling. So as always, thank you for joining us on The Road Travel and looking forward to seeing you on your road.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

You've been listening to The Road Travel, where real faith meets real life. Remember, every step matters, even the hard ones. So keep walking your road with courage, conviction, and Christ leading the way. Until next time, your hosts, Aaron and Allen, say we'll see you down the road.