Reclaiming Me Podcast

You Can Be The VILLAIN In Their Story And Still Be The HERO In Yours

• Ariana • Episode 5

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In this episode of 'Reclaiming Me,' host Ariana Reinhart delves into the importance of setting boundaries and living as your authentic self, even when it triggers those around you. She shares personal anecdotes about walking away from harmful relationships and discusses the hidden costs of people pleasing. 

Ariana emphasizes the power of standing in your truth and the necessity of self-honoring. Listeners are encouraged to challenge internal narratives, undertake self-reflection, and embrace their worth through affirmations and mindfulness exercises. The episode also includes a card reading focused on personal healing and happiness, aimed at inspiring listeners to trust their journey towards positive change.

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Ariana:

In today's episode, we are diving into what it really means to set boundaries and reclaim your authentic self, even when it triggers the people around you. I'll be sharing some raw personal stories about what it took for me to walk away from relationships and situations that no longer served me, and just how fricking amazing life can become when you finally let go of those heavy attachments. My hope is that this conversation gives you the courage to stand tall in your truth, even when others don't understand or approve, and to remind you that you are never alone on this journey. We're gonna cover why reclaiming your power might make some people uncomfortable. The hidden cost of people pleasing and what self-honoring really looks like. Why you are not weak or broken if you missed the red flags. The truth about healing from toxic relationships and the empowering reminder that you have the right to walk away, you have the power to begin again, and you get to choose you. And by the way, if you can't wait to hear more from this podcast, hit the Follow button. Or if you wanna get the stop playing small, rebuild your confidence and understand your Worth workbook, click the link in the episode description and sign up. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You are not too late. Welcome to Reclaiming Me, the podcast for the woman who's ready to stop shrinking and start coming home to herself. Whether you're driving home from another long shift. Walking your dog under a quiet sky or trying to outrun the voice that says You're not enough. This space is for you. I'm your host, Ariana Reinhart, speaker, coach, and your guide on this journey of undoing the noise, shedding the pressure, and rising into who you were always meant to be. This show explores what it really means to heal from toxic patterns, rebuild your confidence, and reclaim the love and life you actually deserve. Here we talk self-worth, healing, boundaries, power, and the sacred process of becoming. Because you were never meant to fit in. You're on the journey back to who you were before the world told you who to be. This is your invitation. Let's begin. Okay, love. Let's talk about something that might be the most freeing and the most terrifying truth. You can be the villain in someone else's story, and still be the hero in yours. I know that hits. Because if you're like me and if you're anything like the woman, I created this podcast for the woman who gives and gives until there's nothing left, being liked probably felt like a form of safety for a long time. Let me tell you about something personal that shaped this message for me. And just a forewarning, I'm not going deep into the trauma, but if you are currently in survival mode, if you are currently in your sympathetic nervous system and deep in your healing journey, if you are sensitive to trauma right now, then this story may trigger you and you may want to skip it. You may want to go into the chapters section and go into the next section. So a few years ago, I had put in a lot of work on myself, and I thought I had mostly healed and dealt with the life lessons that I was being taught. But clearly I was wrong. And I mean, granted, I did make it a far ways, but I wasn't quite done yet. And there was a guy that I went on a few dates with, and at first he seemed great. You know how it goes, charming, attentive, he said all the right things. And then one night he wanted to go out for supper and I was dealing with some health issues and I wasn't allowed to drive. So he picked me up. We went out for a nice supper and about halfway through our date, he went to the washroom and he was taking a really long time. I thought it was kind of weird. To be honest, I kind of thought he maybe was just going number two. I didn't think too much of it. And a while after he came back, I remember commenting on the fact that he seemed really fidgety, but I don't remember exactly what his response was. But given his response, I just chalked it up to nerves. And then he wanted to continue hanging out. So we ran back to my house to grab my dog before going to his, and when we were at my house, he was talking excessively. As I went to walk out the door, a voice in my head said, Ariana, protect yourself, protect your energy. So I did. And even though I noticed that he was talking excessively, I didn't know him well enough to know if that was just who he was and if he was feeling comfortable enough to open up to me or what was going on. But I didn't fully clue in either way. A little bit later we got to his house, he was making drinks in the kitchen and I was petting the dogs. So I had one drink at the restaurant, and then all I drank at his house was water. We sat down to watch a movie, and suddenly within the hour I was not feeling well at all. I felt like I was going to be sick, and so I told him that I wanted to go home. He said that maybe we could go down to his room and I could rest to see if it got any better. I was like, no, I want to go home. And his behavior was progressively getting weirder and weirder. And he started becoming agitated towards me and saying a lot of really weird things. He was proclaiming how he wanted to be with me and he wanted the whole white picket fence kind of life with me and how he wasn't seeing anyone else and how he expected me to put everything I had into this. He was like talking about marriage down the line and all of these weird things. And I was like, whoa, buddy, this is way too early. Then he proceeded to try doing things to me that I did not want him to do. I kept telling him no, and that I really just wanted to go home. And then he started yelling at me and he was trying to get what he wanted. For the most part, I was able to fight him off, but I was feeling very weird and sick. Then suddenly he stormed off to the bathroom and he was standing by the sink and he was in there for a very long time. So I walked by to go upstairs, and I was at the point where I was like, I am not feeling good about this at all. I do not feel comfortable here. I want to go home and I don't understand why he's not taking me home. And I was like, I feel so disgustingly sick and gross, and just not with it. As I walked by the bathroom, the dogs pushed the bathroom door open a little, and he yelled at them to get out and was mad at them for pushing the door open. And then he slammed the door shut. So I went upstairs and I locked myself in that bathroom upstairs, and I was trying to call friends to see if they could somehow help me. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable, but at this point it was the early hours of the morning. It was like two o'clock in the morning or something, one or 2:00 AM and everyone was sleeping, so I couldn't get ahold of anyone. I wanted to call 9 1 1. But he came up and he sat right outside that bathroom door and he was trying to get in. He wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't know where I was. It was the middle of winter. We had freezing rain that night. It was the middle of the night, and I was not fully coherent, so I was not thinking completely straight. Now I realize like, hey, you could have just opened Google Maps and like figured that out. But at the time, one, I was scared. Two, I was not feeling well, and three, I was not feeling like myself. Like something felt really, really wrong. And he would not give me any space. I was honestly terrified. I was like, I don't know what to do. Like I've got myself locked in this bathroom and he's not leaving and I don't know where to go and I'm scared because my dog is out there and I don't know what he's gonna do. And all these thoughts are running through my head. I tried not to panic, but all I could think was that I just wanted to be home. I remember him telling me at one point that even if he took me home, he didn't wanna leave me there alone in case something happened to me, which I thought was really weird. But again, I was not fully coherent. And so I was like, I'm gonna be fine. Literally all I care about is getting home. I just wanna be by myself right now and I just wanna be home in my own space. Please, please take me home. After about an hour of trying to convince him to drive me, he finally reluctantly did. But he was also yelling at me at the time and he was very angry about the whole situation. And I was like, what is going on? This is weird. This is not the guy that I've gone on the last few dates with. And like I said, I was afraid for my dog as well, but we got in his truck and he like pedal to the metal, hit the gas, and we just took off. At one point he made,'cause he accidentally shut my dog's leash in the door. Then so when he took off, there was this flapping going on and I said, I think it's the leash. I think you shut it in the door. And I remember him making a comment about, see, you realized that, so you must still be somewhat coherent. And I was like, that's weird. Why is he saying this to me? Not at all clueing in you guys. He, as we're driving, he blared the music, he started smoking even though he knew I was allergic, he was driving like an absolute maniac. I'm talking to the point that I still sometimes get anxiety and have flashbacks about that moment. That is how crazy he was driving. My dog was literally sliding back and forth across the back cab portion of his truck and I was trying to keep her in one spot while also holding onto the Oh shit handle. I asked him to slow down, but he just yelled at me and told me that I was being ridiculous. You guys, this man started driving 220 kilometers an hour down the Deerfoot Highway, which is one of the major roads in Calgary. And if you don't know, I know that not all of you are from Canada, but Calgary is in Alberta, Canada. So he's driving like 220 kilometers an hour. He was crossing, like going straight across three lanes, very suddenly swerving back and forth. He damn near took out another car, he put us partway in the ditch. And remember there was freezing rain that night. Like it was slippery as all hell. I honestly thought I was going to die that night. That is the first and only time that I actually sat there and prayed for my life. For half of that trip back, that drive back, I sat there and prayed for mine and my dog's life. And I, honest to God, did not think I was going to be there the next day. It was by far the scariest night of my life. We finally got back. I got in my house. I watched him eventually leave. He had told me at one point that he would literally sleep in his truck outside of my house because he was scared to leave me alone. And I called my friend again and asked him to come be with me as protection because I was like, I am honestly terrified of this man right now. I remember being so tired, but I could not sleep. It was 5:00 AM or something before I managed to fall asleep. I had absolutely no appetite the next day. I felt honestly like my soul had left my body, and I just felt like this empty hollow being that was incredibly emotional for absolutely no reason. After coming to and talking to my friends, we realized that I had been drugged. We also realized that he had been coked out that night. He had been on Coke. And two days later he showed up at my house and he was trying to get in. He would not leave, he sat there for between 15 to 20 minutes trying to get into my house and ringing the doorbell profusely and banging on the door as hard as he could. He was mad because I was no longer talking to him, but there was no way in hell that I was answering that door. After about 15 to 20 minutes he finally left and I never spoke to him again. About a week later with the emotional support of my amazing friend Kim, I had a police officer come over and I had to relive that entire experience all over again when I told him what happened. I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to get through it, but once again, I proved to myself that I am stronger than I think. There were red flags and I missed them. Which is ironic because I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and I used to work at a rehab center. I was trained to see dysfunction, but in the moment I didn't. Granted, yes, I was drugged as well, but the message here is that a lot of the times when we are in it, when we are in the shit, we can't see the full picture. We don't know what's going on. We're in survival mode. All we're thinking about is frigging surviving. I was trained for this and I could not see the red flags. So if that's you right now, if you're sitting there thinking about your situation or a previous situation that you just went through and you're asking yourself, how did I not notice? Let me stop you there. You are not stupid. You are not naive, and you are not weak. You are human. And sometimes that hope blinds us to what hurts us. It happens to the best of us. I could have sat there and berated myself for not seeing the signs. I could have sat there and held guilt over it or gotten mad at myself or anything like that. But why? What's the point? That's not doing me any favors. Why do we beat ourselves up over these things all the time? It's important to have self-awareness, but we do not need to torture ourselves every time we think we make a mistake. We are meant to have fun. We are meant to enjoy life and embrace life, and we need to stop being so hard on ourselves. If you are in a situation and other people are telling you that there are major red flags, then maybe it's time to listen and pay attention. But please do not think you're stupid because you couldn't see it in the moment. It does not make you dumb. Now, my story got dark. He assaulted me. And you know what? I almost didn't report it. Not because I wasn't hurt. Trust me, I was traumatized from that situation, but because I felt guilty, I didn't want to like ruin his life. I didn't want to have to relive what happened to me. I just wanted it all to go away. The sad thing is that he was the one who assaulted me and almost killed me, and yet I was the one who felt bad for reporting him and for telling my story. How messed up is that? We are taught, especially as women, to feel bad for standing up for ourselves. We are taught that protecting our energy is selfish, that having boundaries is mean, and yet we're the ones bleeding inside. They should not be able to just get away with their actions. And it isn't right how we're too afraid to say anything for fear that we won't be believed or that we're doing something wrong or that we're going to hurt them by coming forward. It's bullshit and it needs to stop. The only thing really that pushed me through having to relive every detail of that night was my good friend Kim, who she stood by my side through everything, and I am so grateful to her for that. And also the fact that I knew deep down that I had to speak up. Not just for me, but also so that maybe he wouldn't do this to another woman, and if he did, at least more serious actions could be taken against him if he was caught. I would have felt like the worst human had I not done everything I possibly could do to try to protect the next woman from having something similar happen to her. This wasn't about revenge. This was about reclaiming my truth. Now, I'm sure I was the villain in his story. I mean, this man texted me the next day asking if I would go for brunch with him and his family. He was acting like nothing happened. So I'm sure that once those cops had some words with him and told him that he wasn't allowed to come anywhere near me, he probably convinced himself that he did nothing wrong and that I was just this horrible person that reported him over nothing. And that is sad. But that's okay because I know the truth and he was no longer in my life after that. So what does it matter what he thinks and what he's going around telling people? It doesn't. Those are his wounds talking and it no longer applies to me. So it no longer needs to concern me. And that brings me to you because maybe you're not dealing with something that extreme, but maybe you're staying small to keep the peace. Maybe you're hiding your truth to avoid being judged. You're walking on eggshells because you don't want to be the villain. But people pleasing will cost you everything. Your energy, your joy, your self trust, your identity. It's not kindness, it's self abandonment. Now I'm just gonna take a second to let you know that you can go download my free, stop Playing Small, build Your Confidence and Understand Your Worth Workbook. You can find it on my Instagram bio at Balanced Soul Awakening, or in the summary for this episode. And remember to rate this podcast, subscribe, or follow me on Instagram. I also wanna point out that we will take time to cover your questions in these episodes, so please reach out if you have any burning questions or if there's anything that you would love for me to discuss on this podcast. People are going to blame you for things because they don't want to take accountability for their actions. Some people are going to try to paint you as a bad guy because they can't handle who they are. They want a scapegoat. They want to feel better about themselves, and their way of doing that is by trying to make you feel less than. This used to bother me so much. It would frustrate the hell out of me because I knew it was a lie and I didn't want to be portrayed as something that I'm not. But now I'm able to stand in my truth. I'm able to realize that what they think really doesn't matter and I don't have to let it affect me. All I can control is my behaviors and my responses, and if that's the way that they're gonna be, then I'm better off without them in my life. Now you guys, I am going to give you the cold hard truth. When you are dealing with someone who has no concept of self-awareness, when you're dealing with a narcissist or someone who just isn't willing to accept themselves for who they are. The truth is, no matter what you do, they're still going to portray you as the villain. You can do all the things they want you to do and it still won't be enough. They're still gonna say that you do nothing for them. But there is so much power behind this realization and being able to conduct yourself in a way that doesn't allow their actions to consume you, where their actions and what they say about you, you're not gonna sit there and ruminate on. You just let it go and understand that that's their truth, but it's not your truth. And it's their truth because they are not healed. There is freedom in knowing your worth and being able to live your life without ruminating on the past. I know how it feels to wake up dreading the day, to give every last ounce of yourself to someone else, and yet still feel like it's never enough. You smile your way through it, but the truth is that you're running on empty. You're barely holding yourself together. And sometimes it feels like no one sees the version of you that's falling apart behind closed doors. And it can make you, or it can make a person very angry because you're like, I just want you to see it. Please see how I'm suffering. But what if this isn't the end? What if this is just the beginning? What if I told you that you can shed that old version of yourself and invite in the expansive version of who you authentically are? You don't have to keep proving your worth by sacrificing yourself to others. You don't have to settle. There is a life beyond the burnout. Beyond the exhaustion and despair, beyond running on survival mode. You can thrive. You can flourish. You can live the life of your damn dreams. But if you don't heal and learn from the lesson, then you're going to keep receiving it in bigger ways. So it's your choice. Are you going to see yourself as a hero in your story? Or are you going to allow yourself to continue believing that you are the villain because that's what they told you? I can tell you that the former is a hell of a lot more enjoyable. But here's the reality: the more you come home to yourself, the more it's going to trigger the people who benefited from your silence. And you know what? They don't have to like it. They don't have to understand it because your healing is not a group project. You are not for everyone. When you learn to step fully back into your power and reclaim your truth, it's going to repel some people. It's going to trigger some people, and that can be hard to accept. But it's okay, because those people were not meant for you. And chances are that you may just be shining the light on the places within people that they hide. If they're still in the darkness, then standing in your light is going to trigger them. But you're also serving them because your energy is showing them what is coming up to be healed. They're uncomfortable because all they can see in you are the things they're denying about themselves. I want you to think about and maybe meditate on this. If you wanna journal, feel free. What would your life look like if you stopped explaining yourself? What would happen if you stopped softening your power to make other people comfortable? What would you reclaim if you finally let go of needing to be liked? I was previously in a relationship with a narcissist, and oh boy, was that ever a fun lesson to go through. It was a toxic, rollercoaster. Love bombing, gaslighting, shame spirals, and every time I tried to walk away, he would pull me back in with just enough sweetness to make me question everything. He could come across as so sincere, even when he was lying through his teeth. It was hard. And it could have been easy to fall back into the trap that so many people face when they're in a relationship with a narcissist. That was probably one of the hardest frigging lessons that I've ever had to overcome. I know how hard it can be to get out. But one day I got quiet. I got still, and I asked myself, who do I want to be? Not for him, not for anyone else, but for me. And that was the moment I realized being loved by someone else will never matter more than being loved by me. Okay, now let's break down what people pleasing actually is. It's not kindness, it's not compassion. It's a fear of rejection, dressed up as being easygoing. You are people pleasing when you repeatedly forgive people who refuse to change, you don't express your feelings when you're upset. You take on more than you can handle even when you're very tired. You don't stand up for yourself when people are being disrespectful to you. This is a big and very common trauma response for women. You're passive with your concerns and issues. You act as a crutch for others when you are burnt out yourself. You always apologize first during conflict because you can't handle others being upset with you. You are being everyone else's support system, but not your own. You say yes to things that you don't actually want to do. You go along with things that you are not happy about to avoid creating friction. You feel pressured to be friendly, nice or cheerful at times. You avoid advocating for your own needs by saying everything is fine when it's not. Calling you out, I know a lot of women do this too. So an exercise that you can do is to write down all of these people pleasing methods that you catch yourself doing. Or that you know you do and make a conscious effort to change the narrative in the future. You are not meant to be palatable. You're not meant to be approved of by everyone. You are meant to be aligned. And when you stop people pleasing, what takes place is something absolutely beautiful and magical, and that is self-honoring. You get to choose what feels true. You get to say no without guilt. You get to stand in your truth and your power, and you get to take up space without apology. And just a little self-care tip that. Is kind of small, but it really, really helps and is really important. I know a lot of people have resistance to it at the beginning because when you're feeling like this, when you're feeling in this mood, getting up and moving is often the last thing that you want to do. However, when you feel stuck, anxious, lost, upset, or like just low vibe, just not yourself, the best thing you can do is get up and move. Honestly, the best thing that you can do is walk out of the space where you feel that energy. Go walk barefoot in the grass. Get together with a friend. Go for a walk. Play with your dog. Do something that makes you laugh. Work out, spend time in nature. Any of these activities will have an immediate and positive effect on your mood and your energy. It is often hard to just get your ass up off the couch or wherever you are in the moment, but once you do, you will feel so much better. Okay, it is now time for our reclaim this affirmation. Repeat after me and write it down if it resonates with you, so that you have it on hand to recite daily and find a way to have it visible so that you're consistently reminded to speak kindly to yourself. So our reclaim this affirmation for today is I am not responsible for the stories others tell about me. I am not responsible for the stories others tell about me. You get to be the hero in your story. Your value is not determined by someone else's version of you. You get to define who you are. Okay, so for this episode, you guys, I felt guided to do a card pull for the collective. And um, it's kind of funny'cause I haven't really like, this does not happen very often, but I was setting the intention that everyone who listens to this episode, that with this card pull, they resonate with it. They can find a message in there that resonates with them and that really speaks to them. So I set the intention that there is a message in regards to your worth and your healing and getting out of situations or circumstances that no longer serve you. I often set the intention when I'm doing a reading for the collective, if it's only one card, that the card like jumps out. And as I was like, I, I hadn't even really started shuffling yet. I was literally just starting to shuffle and this card jumped out immediately. I continued to shuffle to see if there's anything else but nothing came. And this card is like perfect for this topic. I wish I could show it to you guys. I might do this every now and then if you guys like, please let me know if you enjoy the card pulls because I'll continue doing it. And so I might put it on as a highlight on my Instagram page so that you can see the card and if you feel called so that you can meditate on it. So the card that jumped out for you guys is the door to personal healing and happiness. And this is from the Energy Oracle Cards deck by Sandra Anne Taylor. I love this deck, it's so beautiful. So yeah, the door to personal healing and happiness, and it represents new beginnings in your personal life. It is an absolutely beautiful card and it represents positive change. There is a light filled door, which is open, and there's a dove, a rainbow, there's a pond with vibrant lotus flowers. There's trees, leaves and vines and it's so magical. This card represents whether you're working on some inner healing, like breaking an addiction, or if you're looking to make some external changes, such as like finding a new place to live. It signals that your life is opening up and new opportunities are about to appear. The changes that you've been working on are ready to blossom with wonderful results. So make sure you see your personal intentions through with continued action and optimistic expectations. And this book comes with affirmations for every card. So the affirmation for this one is"I am strong, focused, and self-directed. I have the power to create wonderful new realities in my life." You guys tell me that wasn't the perfect card to pull for this episode. Intuitively what I am getting for this card and I personally love when, that's why I wanna post it on my highlights on Instagram because I love when the person that the card is for also tunes into their intuition, to see what messages they receive for themselves. But the messages that I intuitively receive are to trust. Trust yourself. Trust the universe and know that everything is working out in your favor even if it doesn't feel like it at this time. Things are moving forward. You're at the point where you're getting ready to make a change and invite abundance in some way into your life. You're ready to like shed that old version of yourself and to stop playing small and to you want to break these patterns and these old habits that you have been holding onto and embodying. So trust yourself, trust that things are going to happen in divine timing and that it is a beautiful journey ahead. Again, our ego might not always think that, but it is a glorious, beautiful journey ahead. There might be some doors that you want to open that aren't going to open, but there are going to be lots of doors that are going to open and the right ones for you, possibly even unexpected ones, are going to open out of nowhere and bring about these magical, magnificent changes in your life. If that resonates with you, I want you to breathe that in and just sigh it out. And as always, we are going to close off with our self-worth shift to reflect on. The goal for this is to take you from an old mindset of like, if someone sees me as selfish, cold, or the villain, I must have done something wrong. I need to fix it so that they'll approve me. And we want to take you to their opinion of me is a reflection of their wounds, not my self-worth. I can stand in my truth without needing to rewrite their story about me. So pull out a journal if you have one nearby, and if you like to write things down or simply reflect and meditate on this, if that's something that you would prefer to do. Think of a time when someone misunderstood you, judged you unfairly, or made you feel like the villain. What was the truth you were standing in at that moment? How can you honor that truth today without needing their approval? And if you have your journal, write down your answers so that you can come back to them every time you want to slip back into those old patterns of people pleasing. Because I promise you, if you're just starting your journey of letting go of people pleasing, it's gonna happen. You're gonna resort back into it. So it's great to have something there that you can refer to, you can look back on and be like, right, this is why I'm doing this. This is my goal. This is the person I want to become. And I encourage you to say"no" one time this week without explaining yourself. That's the key you guys. Without explaining yourself, just a simple no. Thank you for joining me on this journey of returning to yourself. If today's episode spoke to your soul, I would love for you to share it with a friend. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss a moment of this reclamation or follow me on Instagram at Balanced Soul Awakening. You are not too much. You are not behind. You are not broken. You are worthy. You are whole, and you are already everything you're seeking. This is reclaiming me. Until next time, be gentle, be bold, be you.